All language subtitles for Harper Valley P.T.A. (1978)

♪ I want to tell
you all a story ♪

♪ About a Harper Valley
widowed wife ♪

♪ Who had
a teen-aged daughter ♪

♪ Who attended Harper Valley
Junior High ♪

♪ Well, her daughter came home
one afternoon ♪

♪ And didn't
even stop to play ♪

.“ And she said,
"Mama, got a note here .“

.“ From the Harper Valley
P-T-A-ll 'H

.“ Well, the note said,
"Mrs. Johnson .“

.“ You're wearing
your dresses way too high .“

.“ It's reported
you've been drinking .“

.“ And running around with men
and going wild .“

.“ And we don't believe
you ought be .“

.“ A-bringing up
your little girl this way" .“

♪ And it was signed
by the secretary ♪

♪ Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪

♪ Well, it happened that
the P.T.A. ♪

♪ Was going to meet
that very afternoon ♪

♪ And they were sure surprised
when Mrs. Johnson ♪

♪ Wore her mini-skirt
into the room ♪

♪ And as she walked up
to the blackboard ♪

♪ I can still recall
the words she had to say ♪

♪ She said "I'd like to address ♪

♪ This meeting of
the Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪

.“ Well, there's Bobby Taylor
sitting there .“

.“ And seven times
he's asked me for a date .“

.“ And Mrs. Taylor sure seems
to use a lot of ice .“

.“ Whenever he's away .“

.“ And, Mr. Baker,
can you tell us why .“

.“ Your secretary
had to leave this town? .“

.“ And shouldn't
Greta Jones be told .“

.“ To keep her window shades
all pulled completely clown? .“

.“ Well, Mr. Harper
couldn't be here .“

.“ 'Cause he stayed too long
at Kelly's Bar again .“

.“ And if you'll smell
Shirley Thompson's breath .“

.“ You'll find she's had
a little nip of gin .“

.“ And then you had
the nerve to tell me .“

.“ You think that as a mother
I'm not fit .“

♪ Well, this is
just a little Peyton Place ♪

♪ And you're all Harper Valley
hypocrites" ♪

♪ No, I wouldn't
put you on ♪

♪ Because it really did,
it happened just this way ♪

♪ The day my mama
socked it to ♪

♪ The Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪

♪ The day my mama
socked it to ♪

.' The Harper Valley P.T.A.

♪ If you're gonna
have a ball ♪

♪ Then just give
Shady Sadie a call ♪

♪ Shady Sadie
struts her stuff ♪

♪ For any man
who's man enough ♪

♪ So if you're fetching,
short or tall ♪

♪ Just give Shady Sadie a call ♪

♪ Sadie put the lean
in the tower of Pisa ♪

♪ Shady put the smile
on the Mona Lisa ♪

♪ She'll do anything
it takes to please ya ♪

♪ Shady Sadie,
Shady Sadie ♪

♪ Shady Sadie. ♪

♪ Shady Sadie
struts her stuff ♪

♪ For any man
who's man enough ♪

♪ Just give
Shady Sadie a call ♪

♪ Sadie put the lean
in the tower of Pisa ♪

♪ Shady put the smile
on the Mona Lisa ♪

♪ She'll do anything
it takes to please ya ♪

♪ Shady Sadie,
Shady Sadie. ♪

Go away.

Well, honey.

Honey, I thought you were gonna
stay in town and go to the library.

Babe.

You know Herbie and Virg.
They get a little out of line

once in a while,
but they're harmless.

Okay.

Okay, I'll join the church

and I'll only have
the ladies over to sip tea.

Honey, lam what I am.

A few beers,
a couple of songs,

everyone can close
the windows.

Anyhow, they've been
copying down the words.

This is for you.

So?

Who are the Lords of Harper Valley
buzzing about now?

Why don't you read it?

Gossip is the cheapest
form of conversation.

They've probably got
some dirt on someone,

and they want to pass it
along officially.

- It's about you.
- Me?

You're not exactly the pillar
of the community, you know?

lam still your mother, young lady.
And don't you forget it.

Sometimes I wish I could.

Damn! That does it!

Remember the one about
the bear and the walnut?

All right, boys.
Party's over. Split. Out.

- Stella, we're just getting cooking.
- You two, goodbye.

- You stay.
- Me?

- Next time, Stella, my place.
- Out, out.

Okay.

All right, let's have it.
The last time you looked like that

was when Dee wasn't invited
to the Otis Harper Day Picnic.

Damn, damn, damn!

It's bad as that, huh?

"Dear Mrs. Johnson,

while it's not the business of
this council to tell anyone how to live,

too many incidents have
come to our--"

Stella, I don't believe this.

"The young men
of our community

should not be tempted by seeing
skirts that are far too revealing.

If drastic changes
are not made- ♪

"--Steps will be taken
to see that Dee is expelled.

Signed, Olive Glover,
Secretary Harper Valley P.T.A."

Decent attitude?

Them biddies wouldn't
know a decent attitude

if it got into bed with them.

Ste“?

Oh, Stell, honey.

Stell, you're not going to let
this junk get to you.

Oh, honey, come on.

Stell, now they've got
so much dirty linen

it's just filling up their great big
walk-in closets.

Well, I ought to know.

That grand old bitch of the P.T.A.
Mrs. Flora Simpson Reilly

is just a walking talking
tape recording

of every bit of juicy scandal
in this whole lousy town.

I mean, every time she comes
into the La Moderne shop

she just yak, yak, yaks
to all of my hairdressers.

Well, you know me, honey,

I'm just in one ear
and out the other.

Boy, she just goes
on and on and on.

- Alice?
- What?

Come here.

Now, Stell.

You sit down.

- Sit down!
- Stella, I ain't gonna do it.

Now you start talking.

And don't you leave out
a single dirty detail.

Mama, I really don't
wanna go in.

Oh no, honey.
You're coming with me.

This is something
I want you to hear.

I personally think
jump-ropes

would be a lot cheaper
than a trampoline.

I've never bought either,
so I would have no idea.

- I hope these are all right.
- Oh, I didn't want black bread.

- You eat them.
- Yes, dear.

- Skeeter, black bread?
- Oh, thank you.

Uh, please, people,

will you kindly
take your seats?

We have a full agenda
this afternoon.

This meeting will
come to order.

The first order
of business is--

I'd like to address this meeting
of the Harper Valley P.T.A.!

Point of order.

There are no motions from the floor
called for at this time.

All in favor say "aye."

- Aye!
- Aye!

- Aye!
- Aye!

Unanimous.
The chair denies.

- Let her speak.
- Sure, Stell.

What you got
on your mind?

- I'd like to hear too.
- This is still an open forum

for Harper Valley citizens.

And everyone has
the right to be heard.

Willis Newton,
may I remind you

that you have no children
in this school system?

Quite true, ma'am.

But then, lam on the board
of the P.T.A.

and lam building the new
gymnasium for the school.

You wrote me a letter
that I'd like to reply to in public.

You say I'm not fit to live
in this fine American town,

that I don't come up
to your standards,

or whatever
you consider decent.

Well...

lam here to call
a few kettles black!

How're you doin',
Bobby Taylor?

If I haven't
turned you down

seven times
for lewd proposals

I haven't
turned you down once!

If I were you, Holly, I would've taken
this man in and had him neutered!

Oh, and, Holly, honey?
You better lay off the booze

or Mack's Liquor Store is gonna come
and take your home for the booze bill.

And Mr. Kirby Baker,

a fine real estate executive.

Baker Realty.

"Honesty--
honesty since 1933."

Your secretary,
poor little Gladys Wilmet,

she had to leave town
awful sudden.

- Cool it.
- Had to see a special kind of doctor

in Cincinnati.

If you all know what I mean?

And, oh, I know
the nights are just so warm

that poor Willa Mae has to leave
her shades open an inch... or so

just to catch
the cool summer breezes.

Of course.

And don't a few of our more
prominent citizens

simply love to stroll by Willa Mae's
house these summer evenings

and peek through the shades
just for the entertainment?

Oh, did you stay too long
at Kelly's Bar again, Otis?

Oh, yes.

We mustn't forget our illustrious
town founder's offspring

Otis Harper, Junior,

that fine cornerstone
of the community,

drinking up all the leftovers
at Kelly's Bar

every night at closing time.

Ooh, and I'll bet if you checked
Shirley Thompson's breath

you'd fine she just took
a little nip of gin.

But, lest we forget,

Miss Olive Glover,

the grand secretary
of this council.

Poor Olive.

She keeps such good books.

But she's got this teensy-weensy
little gambling problem

that everyone knows about,

but no one would ever
speak of in public.

I mean,
no one would ever speak

of any of these terrible lies
in public.

Would they,
Mrs. Flora Simpson Reilly?

And I'm saving up
something special for you.

Oh, let's face it!
This here is just a little Peyton Place,

and you're all a bunch
of Harper Valley hypocrites!

Come on, honey, let's go.

Hey, look, honey, I'm sorry
if I embarrassed you.

No big deal, Mom.

"Hello, diary.

Sorry I haven't written lately

but so much
has been happening.

Mainly Mama busted up
the Harper Valley P.T.A. meeting

and really socked it to them.

She called them a bunch
of hypocrites

and spilled the beans
about them all.

I'm sure it will leave us at the bottom
of the town's popularity polls,

but that will teach them
not to screw around with my mama.

A man there named
Will Newton

had big eyes for her.

So I suppose we'll be hearing
from him any minute now.

It's late and I'm tired.

Good night."

Word got around you had
a little trouble here.

Nothing we can't take care
of ourselves, Mr. Newton.

Mr. Newton?
Sounds like my grandfather.

Don't send me letters
then come around

and try to clean up a mess
you helped to create.

It sure is hot.

Yeah.
It's gonna get hotter.

What kind of game
are you playing, Mr. Newton?

If you call me Mr. Newton
one more time

I'm gonna have to go out
and buy myself a cane.

It's Will.

I've been out of town
for over a month.

And the guy who forged my name
on that letter is in big trouble.

Ma'am.

Little ma'am.

- Dee.
- Hmm?

You're not eating anything.

I'm not really hungry right now.

Dee?

Baby, I'm sorry
about the P.T.A. thing.

- I just lost my--
- Oh, that's okay really.

I understand.

It's just such a bummer
that the kids could be so mean.

Well...

maybe they've got it
out of their system now.

What's it say?

Uh, nothing, honey.

You go on, eat your dinner.

You could pack a wardrobe
in those bags under your eyes.

Oh, thanks. I needed that.

Jean!

Miss Plumber, I'm going
to have Jean finish you up.

Come on. I'm gonna fix you
an Alice special.

Drink.

Oh!

That tastes like
raw eggs and Kool-Aid!

It is!

- With a shot of brandy.
- Ugh!

Hey, uh, Stell, honey,

I heard about it
through the grapevine.

That's not the half of it.

A rock came through
my window last night

with a message on it.

Alice, it's getting
out of hand.

Now a prank's one thing,

but they're getting mean.

Oh, Stell, those awful kids!

Oh, there's more than
kids behind that.

Now, kids think of the toilet paper thing,
you know?

But it takes an adult mind
to think of something that nasty.

Stell, what are
you gonna do?

Move?

No.

No, I'm not gonna move.

Are you sure he's going
to show up?

Oh, Stell, honey,
will you stop worrying?

Look, I told Rosalie Wilson
you and me was coming here.

And then I had seen her tell
cranky Barney the mailman.

And you know how
those things go.

If Bobby Taylor don't know
you're here by now, he'll never know.

Hm-mm.

Hey, Bobby!
Hey, Bob!

Did you hear the one
about the cat that ate the cheese

and sat in front of a mouse-hole
with baited breath?

No.

Well, look who's here.

Beauty and the beast.

Why don't you go find
a nice, quiet cave some place

and settle in for the winter?

Hey, Stell,
long time no see, huh?

- Oh, hey now, that's original.
- Yeah.

I really tried to defend you
at the meeting.

I mean, I asked them
to let you talk, didn't I?

You came down
pretty hard on us.

My wife still has me
sleeping in the rumpus room.

That's all right, Bobby.

You've got your guns
to keep you company.

You like guns, Stell?

Gee, I didn't know that.

I got a pistol I took off
a dead gook.

Shot him right
in the ear with it.

Well, tell me
all about it, Bobby.

Death just fascinates me.

It does?

Jeez, Stell!

Would you excuse me?

I have to go powder something--
before I get sick.

Uh, Herbie,
another for the lady.

And ginger ale
on the rocks for me.

Hey, Stell.

Sol loaded her up

with old number 12 shot
and let her fly.

Got that turkey
right in the gut.

Ate him anyway,
buckshot and all.

Ah, Stell.

Boy, you're some kind
of woman.

- You think so, Bobby?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, Bobby, hurry up.

I can't wait.

Bobby.

All the way.

All the way.

Oh, Bobby, darling.

Would you be a dear and go put
the "Do not disturb" sign out?

Stella. Stella,
open the door.

Stella.

Stella, open the door.

Open the door, Stella.

Stella, Stella.

Stella, open the door.

Come on. Come on.
Stella, open the door.

Stella, open the door, please.

My wife will kill me.

Stella. Stella.

Stella!

Hey, buddy,
where's the fire?

Dee, honey.

It's after 3:00.
Get up, lazybones.

You're gonna be late
for school.

I don't feel good.

Oh.

Kids are giving you
a hard time, huh?

It's not that.

I just don't feel good.

My stomach hurts.

It's a female thing,
if you know what I mean.

Well, I'll leave a note
on the table for you,

in case you want
to go in late.

- Okay.
- Meanwhile,

I shall be over
on the north side,

trying to sell
those frumps

Angel Glow cosmetics
to make them beautiful.

- Mama?
- Hmm?

Were you pretty
when you were 14?

Oh, baby.

I was plain as dirt.

But when I was 17

I won a beauty contest--
Miss Libertyville.

That's when I met
your daddy.

Well, I've got go now.

We'll talk about it
later, hmm?

You feel better,
honey, huh?

Well, hi, Corley.

Hey! You sure
you've got the right house?

I sure do, Mrs. Johnson.

It says right here
"Mrs. Johnson."

Well, you wait right there.

- I'll get you something.
- It's all right, ma'am.

I'm just glad to come by.

You're sort of a hero
to a lot of folks around here.

Is that so?

Yes, ma'am.

Well.

Wow.

Thanks.

"May I see you again?

I thought your performance at the P.T.A.
was nothing less than sensational.

Yours truly, Willis Newton."

You better check it
for a bomb.

Hoo-hoo!

Will Newton.

I am really flattered.

That man is
a true gentlemen.

Oh.

Oh, the last time
anyone sent me roses was--

well, was your daddy.

Well, now don't you look like
the cat that swallowed the canary.

You got something going
I don't know about?

Uh-huh.

All right.

All right, who is it?

Only the most eligible man
in the county.

Moose Harper.

Will Newton.

No'.

No, you mean
he's interested?

I guess you might
say he's interested

to the tune of a dozen of these.

La Moderne Beauty Shop.

Oh, good day, Mrs. Reilly.

It's the old battleaxe herself.

Yes, Mrs. Reilly,
we have your appointment.

11:00.

Permanent and a set.
Right.

And Leona's gonna do you,
that's right.

Right. Good day, Mrs. Reilly.

Oh, boy. She's been calling
every hour on the hour.

Is she ever uptight. She's having one
of her big bashes today, you know?

Alice, you're gonna give
Leona the day off

and you're gonna do
Miss Flora yourself.

Stella, you're
up to something.

And I ain't gonna do it.

Nn-no, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not.

Yes, lam.

You sure it'll work?

Guaranteed.

Ooh.

I'd give anything to see
Flora's face at that party.

Flora, your granddaughters
play divinely.

Well, good breeding shows.

Oh.

Thank you.

Oh, now, allow me.

There you are.

Young lady, would you make
afresh bowl of punch?

Oh, yes, ma'am.
Right away, ma'am.

Excuse me, please.

Olive, how are
the sales going?

Oh, we're going very well.

Isn't that wonderful?

- Yes.
- Flora, what a terrific party.

- Oh, thank you.
- I'd like you to meet Gary Devini.

Oh. Oh!

How Italian.

Are you having
a good time, Shirley?

Oh, just wonderful.

- Have our picture taken.
- Ah. Ooh!

Did you hear
the children's concert?

Oh, I did $0.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Oh!

I like those.

My dear friends,

I can't tell you
how delighted lam

at having you all here
as guests in my home.

I do want to thank all of you

for your generosity this afternoon.

Thank you.

Oh my God!
What happened to my hair!

My beautiful hair!

Oh!

I'm ruined! I'm ruined!
I'm absolutely ruined!

Don't you dare!

Two months now, we still don't
have the first two bars.

- Who cares? I don't care.
- Oh, there's Carlyle.

You better forget him.
He's hot for one of the twins.

I couldn't be
less interested.

If he had two heads
you'd be interested.

Oh, here he comes.

Shut up.

- Hi.
- Well, hi yourself.

How have you been?

Okay.

Go on.

You were off-key.

Well, my mouth hurts.

From kissing
Bettina Reilly no doubt.

- How do you know that?
- A little bird.

She chews a lot of Certs.

I think I've got a canker sore.

You'd better watch
who you converse with, Carlyle.

I hear it's catching.

I've got to be going.
I'll see you.

I wouldn't want anything
to rub off.

Hey, don't get bent, Dee.
It's a free country, you know?

The Fifth Amendment says your mother
can say anything she wants.

- First Amendment.
- Yeah, that's what I meant. See you.

Three strikes and you're out.

It ought to be
a good game.

You want to meet me up here or do you
want me to pick you up?

Why don't you pick me up?
That'll be easier.

Gotta go, Charlie, my wild fantasies
just walked into the room.

- Hi, Stell.
- Hi, Herbie.

Hey, Stell, did you hear the one
about the newborn babies

that were next to each other
in the nursery?

The girl baby said
to the boy baby, she said,

"Are you a little boy baby
or a little girl baby?"

The boy baby says,
"I'm a little boy baby."

The girl baby says, "How do you
know you're a boy baby?"

The boy baby whipped off the blankets
and said, "See that? Blue booties!"

Uh, Herbie, I'd like
to ask you a favor.

You name it, Stell.
Who do I have to kill?

Have you still got
that home movie outfit?

The one you won
on the TV quiz show?

Yeah, sure. As a matter fact
it's still in the box.

Who have I got
to take pictures of?

- I'd like to borrow it.
- Okay.

Are you taking a trip
or something, Stell?

Yeah, Herbie.

It's gonna be
a real good trip.

It's still back there
with all the other stuff I won.

I'll get it for you.
Watch the store, will you?

Here you go.
A whole bunch of gadgets in there.

Zoom lenses, tripod,
and the film is good, I think.

- Thank you, Herbie.
- Keep it as long as you want.

- Oh, I'll take real good care.
- Okay.

Hey, Stell, did you hear
the one-- never mind.

Good evening, Otis.

Are you sure
tonight's the night?

I ordered the flowers myself.

Corley will deliver them.

There he is.

Psst! Psst!

- Who's that?
- Me. Barney the mailman.

What you doing
down there, Mr. Crunk?

I dropped some letters
this morning.

I had to come back
and find them. Come here.

Come here.

- Here's five bucks.
- What's this for, Mr. Crunk?

You take it in good faith, boy.
Now I'll deliver these.

Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Crunk.

Get out of here.

Why, Barney Crunk.

Oh my, I didn't know
you delivered flowers too.

Rain or shine I deliver.

You mind if I come in
for a bit, Miss Jones?

What do you hear
from Will Newton?

Huh?

I said what do you hear
from Will Newton?

I hear that he is in Chicago

on some sort of land deal.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

He doesn't let me in
on all his movements.

Don't worry, honey. He will.

Boy, he sure keeps them cumin',
don't he?

That's the doorbell.

No kidding.

For you. I had to
come back double for this.

You owe 30¢ postage.

Well, now, I think I have 30¢
right here, Barney.

I had to make two trips.

Well, you're just mad because you
couldn't peek and see what was inside.

Huh? Hmph.

- It's here. It's here.
- What is it?

Is that it? Oh, wow!

It only took a week!

For 30 bucks they ought to
send it by special messenger.

You know, I've never seen a real
plain brown wrapper before.

Well, in the ad they said
they'd process anything.

So this must be
pretty tame stuff for them.

You know, Stell,

I'd have given my eye-teeth

to have watched
what really went on.

And get caught peeking
in someone else's window?

Listen, a camera's enough.

Come on, we can see it.

- Okay. Get the glass.
- Right.

- Alice!
- There.

Hey! That ain't Corley!

Oh my God!

What?

Oh my God!
It's cranky Barney!

- And he delivered this package himself!
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, thank goodness he couldn't
look inside like he usually does.

- Come on, let's splice it in.
- Okay!

- You sure you can get this film back?
- Oh, sure. Sure.

The janitor"; wife
is a customer.

All's it will cost me is a free set
and comb out. It's all arranged.

Dee. Dee.

I bet you it's more
birds and bees crap.

I knew this stuff
when I was seven.

Just nod and say
"Oh, really?" a lot.

If you don't you get a note
sent to your mother.

- I knew...
- Class! Class!

Class!

Class! Class!

Class! Class!

Thank you.

Now today we are going
to show a special film

dealing with sex education.

Not again.

Class! Class!

Now as future wives
and mothers we must stress

the important functions
of the human body

and the real purpose
they serve.

Edwina and Betina dears,
would you pull down the shades?

Yes, Miss Jones.

Good girls.
All right, let's see the film.

Class! Class!

Class!

If any of you think that sex
is a laughing matter,

wait until you
get married.

This film deals with the basic
structure and function

of the human reproductive
process.

An understanding
of this process

is important for all,

and begins with the simple,
clear knowledge

that birth is the result
of a physical union

of the father
and the mother

who contribute equally

to the conception
and resulting birth of their child.

It is the reproductive system
of each

that we are now going
to consider,

reproductive systems
that are developed

to an almost unbelievable degree
of complexity and perfection.

Oh, he's so small!

My little brother
has more than that!

Girls, girls!

Now we're going to have
a test on this material later.

I suggest you watch
this film very closely.

To understand how this can
lead to the birth of a baby,

let us turn our attention
to the woman's reproductive system.

On the surface of a woman's
genital organs

are folds of skin, or tissue,

called labia.

As we can see
in this schematic view

the labia protect
the opening of the urethra

through which urine
from the bladder is emptied.

Bring back the boy!

It also shields
the entrance to the vagina.

At the upper end
of the vagina is the cervix,

which is Latin for neck,

neck of the uterus.

The uterus is a pear-shaped
hollow organ...

- Who is that?
- ls that Miss Jones?

I think-- it is Miss Jones!

Oh my God!

That's the mailman!

Go to it, Barney!

All right!

Tongue!

Go, Delivery Barney!

There you go, Corley.

WW,'!

Boy, Mrs. Johnson, this delivering";
sure getting profitable.

Between you, and Mr. Newton
and Barney the mailman,

I'm gonna retire.

What do you want, Will?

Not a thing, Stella.

Just to keep seeing you
as long as you're not too busy.

Too busy? Well, I do have
a rather busy social calendar.

What with my merry round
of cocktail parties

and the cotillion ball coming up.

I'm so busy, you know.

Ah.

How do you survive
this town?

I work.

Oh, I keep busy.
I make a living.

Sell cosmetics
from door to door.

I guess you...

I guess you could say I sell
a little bit of happiness in a jar.

You ought to run
for political office.

Hey, you know,
that's not a bad idea.

And you can start
with the P.T.A.

- Oh, come on!
- Get rid of that awful potato head

Flora Simpson Reilly
and her snobby friends.

Between them they haven't done
anything for that school in 10 years.

Why, on the new gymnasium
I had to fight them tooth and nail

until I agreed to pay
for the repairs out of my own pocket.

All they ever do is give parties

and barbecues
and backyard socials

to raise money, most of which
comes out of the treasury

to pay for the parties
to raise more money.

You mean to say
that my contribution's

going to that cheap champagne
Mrs. Reilly serves

- at her fancy guzzling parties?
- Absolutely.

Now, I think the kids could get
behind your kind of programs.

Oh, what programs?
I don't have a program.

Maybe not. But you would
never cheat them

out of what's theirs
and not their parents.

Oh my goodness. That's too much
to think about right now.

Hold on a minute, heavens.
Whoa!

- Stella?
- What?

Wow.

That's some pucker.

Well, I play
the harmonica a lot.

Oh.

I've gotta go in.

You know, Dee--

Dee won't go to sleep until I...

- switch on that light.
- Yeah.

Well, maybe...

maybe just one more.

A little one.

Now...

Have you changed your mind
about the school board?

Because the election
is coming up

and ol' Flora has
got it in the bag.

Oh, now that's too much
for me to think about.

You...

and Flora Simpson Reilly.

I-- I-I...

I've gotta go.

Will...

I had fun.

It's, uh...

it's been a long time.

Well, it's about time,
Cinderella.

Alice, what are you doing here?

Well, kiddo.

Stella tells Alice
to be here at 10:30,

Alice is here at 10:30.

- Ah...
- But is Stella here at 10:30?

- Oh.
- Oh, no.

See, 'cause Stella's
out gallivanting with Mr. Blue-blood,

while Alice sits around here
getting calluses on her aspidistra.

Alice, don't you move.

I'll be ready in 10 seconds.
10 seconds!

Mm-hmm.

- I've got a passenger.
- Hi. I thought you might need a hand.

- You know?
- I had my suspicions.

Well, welcome aboard
the Harper Valley steamroller.

Hey, Stell, you sure can
drive this truck.

I can handle anything
on four wheels.

My daddy taught me
to drive his truck when I was 14.

Won't somebody
find out about us?

No, they won't
find out about us.

I even rented this thing
over in Brookdale.

Come on, you guys,
have a little faith, will you?

Oh.

Come on.

Oh, that's my room.

My room.

- Ready?
- Ready.

Okay. I'll go check and see
if he's asleep yet

and then you can
bring them around.

Right. Check.

Oh God.

Bertha.

Bertha. Bertha.

Otis, you're drunk.

I swear to God
I'll never drink again.

Otis. Otis,
you're a lunatic!

- You're crazy.
- No, no.

I swear to God,
I'll never drink again.

Get off my stomach,
go back to bed and dry out!

What's that?

- Well, hi.
- Hi.

Couldn't sleep.
I'm too keyed up I guess.

Me too.

Do you want some chicken?

Yeah, I'm starved.

Oh, every time I think
of Otis Harper's face I could die.

I know.

I'm never going to be able
to look at anything pink again.

I stopped by Dr. Kerry's office
after work yesterday.

Oh yeah?
To pay another bill?

No. No, to talk
about braces

and cabbages and kings.

What did he say?

He said maybe.

Oh, Mama, please let it be.

Saturday morning.

Oh, now, now,
don't get too excited, hon.

He said maybe.

I didn't spend $1400 for you
to end up with crooked teeth.

Maybe we'll stop by Alice's
on our way home.

My goodness.

Where did my little girl go?

That's good.

Okay.

The bottom.

Okay.

There you are.

Well, come on, honey.

I want to see my $1400.

Oh!

Oh, baby.

Baby, that's terrific.

Oh, that's terrific.

Alice, how's it going?
ls everything all right?

Will you get out of here?

I can't work.

Just a little peek.
I'll only open one eye.

Stella.
Now you wouldn't interrupt

Picasso when he's
creating, would you?

You bet I would!
If it was my kid I'd interrupt anybody!

Go get some coffee.
She's in a rinse.

Stella!

Oh, honey, look.

Oh, it's gonna be perfect.

Ta-da!

Do I look all right?

Is that me?

Well, it ain't
Dracula's daughter, baby.

Mama, is that really me?

It always was you, honey.

Oh, it always was you.

Golly.

Hey, is that who
I think it is?

That's Dee Johnson.

What has she done
to herself?

Did you see that?

He almost passed out
when he saw you.

Go on, look.

I don't know if I'm
gonna like this new me.

Yeah, well, I'll take some of
the cast-off men if you don't want them.

Hey, you're all foxy.

Hey, Dee, is that you?

Yeah, it's me, Lenny..

"Ol' railroad tracks."

Lift your feet,
Lacroix!

Hey, Dee!

Are you gonna
watch me run?

Why? Do you do it differently
than anyone else?

Yeah, on all fours.

Hey, what's up, Dee?

Nothing.
What should be up?

I just wanted to say
you look terrific.

I mean the change is
really incredible.

That's what everyone says.
But it's still me, Carlyle.

I'm still the same person I was one week
ago when no one would talk to me.

Well, I'm talking to you.

I always did, didn't I?

I guess you did.
I'll see you around.

Hi, honey.

Oh, Dee, you want a hot dog?

No thanks.

What's the matter, baby?

Oh, boys are just so idiotic.

They're like children.

Oh, honey.

When the caterpillar
turns into the butterfly,

everyone is amazed.

I'm still me, though.
I'm still Dee Johnson.

Oh, baby, baby.

When God gives you
that kind of equipment you just relax

and appreciate it. Hmm?

- Now, how about a hot dog?
- Yeah!

Will the contestants please
take their positions?

Well?

- That's one of the hazards.
- Oh, come on, Mama.

How about another
hot dog?

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

It's been a couple of weeks.

What's the word?
Are you gonna run?

Oh, Will, I can't.

You can.

Now I know what you're
trying to do, Will Newton,

and it won't work.
I won't do it.

Will.

Will, I-l can't.

Sure you can.

Oh. Will...

- Will. I--
- For me.

You'll like it, you'll see.

Will Newton...

you are the most
persistent man

I have ever met.

We are going to do it...

together.

May I help you?

It's me.

Oh, Mrs. Johnson.

Oh, you look fantastic.

May I have the P.T.A. membership
election form please?

The presidential ballot.

Oh yeah, sure.

Here you go.

Thank you, Mavis, dear.

It's time for a meeting
of the board!

Oh, hey, Kirb,

how do you sit
in one of these things?

This is great.

I'll be darned!
You get off of that!

Order.

I've called this meeting because this
woman must be stopped at all costs.

That's a good idea.

I'm declaring for a petition

to be signed by every
upstanding citizen of Harper Valley.

That's a good idea.

Imagine that tart thinking
she could be P.T.A. president.

Why, it's unthinkable.

I could strangle
that Will Newton.

I mean, who does he
think he is anyway?

Just because he's so
damned good-looking.

Good-looking?
He's gorgeous.

Where's Skeeter Doogan?

He sent word. He won't be able
to attend the meeting.

Aw, that's too bad.

Sure could've used
his notary stamp right now.

What's up, Kirb?
You got a plan?

Well, up till now
there was no reason

to tell you about this,

but Old Harry Johnson and I

had this deal on his house

and Kirby Realty holds this little old
second mortgage

that's been foreclosable
for years now.

Kirby Baker.

You mean you had the means
to run this woman out of town

and you've never spoke up!?

There was no need to, Flora!

I didn't think about it
till just now.

I had it tucked away in my files
years before Harry died.

Well, go and get it, man!

Don't just sit there!

Hey, Stella?

- Yeah?
- How goes the battle?

Why do I get
into these things?

Oh, now, honey,
you're gonna be great.

I can just see it. "Stella, destined
for bigger and better things."

Here, I brought you
your mail.

Thank you.

You know, talk down
at the beauty shop

is running seven to four
in your favor.

It seems an awful lot of folks are real
sick of ol' Flora "the mouth" Reilly.

Why, that lousy
no-good son of a--

$1300.

Now how am I gonna get $1300?
I'm gonna lose this house.

Did Harry really do this?

I don't know.

I don't know. He bought
an awful lot of new equipment

when he was talking about
going into his business.

Oh, Harry.

He told me his aunt
in Springfield lent him the money.

Boy.

You mean Kirby never said
one word about this?

He owns the house, legally.

It's gone up in value.
Why should he say anything?

He'd have lost a bundle.

What are you gonna do?
Dig up ol' Gladys Wilmet?

Well, she's gone off
to Toledo or someplace.

- You know, that's not bad.
- Hmm?

That's not bad at all.

And I know just the person
to get ol' Kirby

down on the waterbed
and out for the count.

Babe, I need you
to do me a favor.

Take these cards,
this pencil,

this book.
Get to work, honey.

- Call you later.
- Where are you going?

I'm off to get me
something Chinese.

And I don't mean
Chop Suey.

Excuse me,
May I see Mr. Kirby Baker?

Did you have
an appointment?

No.

Baker Realty.

Oh, yes, Mr. Brooks.
It went into escrow today.

We'll call you as soon
as we hear something.

Goodbye, Mr. Brooks.

- Is he in?
- Let me check.

Excuse me, Lola.

I'll take care of this young lady
personally.

Now, what can I do
for you, Miss...

Wong, Myrna Wong.

I'm looking for a small house
to rent.

Just myself.

Something private

and out of the way.

Out of the way.

Well, let ol' Kirby
show you about.

- Won't you step into my office?
- Thank you.

Ooh.

Will this house be
for business or pleasure?

A little of both.

Yes, of course.

Um, that gown is lovely.
Hong Kong?

No. New York.

Really? New York.

Just subdue the light a bit.

It's so darn bright. Eyes.

Music?

Come, sit by me,

and we'll look through
the listings together.

Here's a French Provincial

with two beautiful oak trees.

And a little place for your puppy dog
if you had one.

Oh!

Crazy lady!

Far out, baby.

You have humor.

What was that?

Hey.

Dig that flying, Mama.

Yeah, kinky.

Kinky.

E-excuse me.

Would some call the police?

I've been assaulted.

Well, that woman will not
get a seat on my board.

No, my love.

Kirby Baker will see to that.

You always knew
the cleanest method

of finding a solution, my love.

Hm-hmm.

Eat your fowl, Henry.

Hello? Mrs. Reilly here.

Kirby Baker did what?

In jail?

Get everyone over here
tonight!

Yes, tonight!

Oh, it is time
to fight fire with fire.

Yes, my love.

It's on me.

- Hi, Bobby!
- Oh. hi.

Looking for your fire hose?

Huh? Oh.

Tex.

I'm Dutch. He's Tex.

How do you do?

You got the money?

Half now, half when
the job is done.

I don't like you.

I don't like you one little bit,
you know that, fella?

All right,
what's the deal?

This rich bitch
Flora-something-Reilly

sends out feelers in the city and we
spend gas money coming to this burg.

Who the hell is this Skeeter fella
and how do we dispose of his body?

No, we don't want him hurt!

- Don't want him hurt?
- No!

What is this, Tex? Are we
running a babysitting service now?

Will you shut up?

Everything in here,
all the instructions.

Now we don't want him hurt.

We just want to keep him
from voting.

- That's a kidnapping, right?
- No, nothing like that.

Just hold him at old monastery
until the P.T.A. board finishes voting.

Monastery.
Did you say monastery?

- That did it. I'm blowing this burg!
- Just sit down.

Here you go. Rusty nail.

Boilermaker.

Ginger ale--

on the rocks.

It's on me, Herbie.

I'll put it on your wife's tab.

Well, Dutch?

I'm Tex.

He's Dutch.

Okay, Mr. Whatever-your-name-is,

you've got yourself a deal.
Let's drink to it.

Skeeter!

Will you stop watching
that TV set

long enough to take
the trash out?

This is Wednesday.

And take the dog out too.

Poor thing hasn't gone all day.

You're the one who wanted
a dog, you know?

Yes, dear.
Oh, that woman.

One of these days...

- Let's go.
- You got it.

Hi, fellas.
Can I help you?

Would you tell me
what's going on?

- I was in there just now.
- Uh-huh.

And I look into the office,

and there's Stickyfingers Olive Glover
jimmying open the drawer.

She's got the milk fund
rally money.

And she's dumping half
of it out on the floor.

She was robbing
the fund money?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mavis, I can't believe that.

Believe it. I saw it
with my own four eyes.

Mavis, you've got
to tell the sheriff.

Oh, sure. And who do you think
they're going to bust?

Olive Glover?
Wrong!

Me!

Mavis! Where are
you going?

Well, I think everyone's
gone stark raving mad!

The police said
they found Mavis's library card

in the door between
the two offices.

I told you she was watching
Olive Glover steal the money.

We know that, baby.

No one here suspects Mavis
for a minute.

- The problem is--
- The problem is I'll get my hands

on Olive Glover and I'll beat
the living hell out of her!

Whoa, whoa!
Down, girl!

Now, we'll land us all in jail

unless we take this one thing at a time.
Now let's break it down.

The first thing we have to do,
we'll detail jobs.

Now, I'll take Herbie with me.

And we'll try and track down what
the heck happened to Skeeter Doogan.

You know, that is so strange.

Because Skeeter"; so predictable.

Two beers, he goes home
to his wife.

Three beers, he goes home
to his mother-in-law.

- Four beers, he goes--
- Herbie!

Now, you and Alice
follow Olive Glover.

Unless I miss my guess she'll head straight
for the home stretch

and lay some of that rally money
on the nose.

Which means she'll probably
stop by the stables

to check out the ponies

and get a hot tip.

I donated five brand-new
$20 bills marked consecutively

Good-luck-Harper-Valley-High
in the margin.

Ooh.

Get them and we've got her.

Dee, now the board is supposed to vote on
acceptance of candidates.

I've already sent
my proxy for Stella,

and I know five others
who are on my side.

Oh, brother!
A tie, six to six.

It's a stalemate
as far as I know

and they can make
that last for years.

Maybe even postpone
the election.

Now, what I need you to do

is interrupt that meeting

with all kinds of floor questions.

- Can you do that, babe?
- Yeah.

Good.
Now you give us enough time

and we'll find Skeeter.

And I just have feeling he'll
swing his vote our way.

Come on, let's get going.

Herbie, get out
the binoculars.

Oh, wow! Whoa!

What are we looking for?

I'm not so sure myself.

Anything that's out of place.

Now we can cover a lot of miles
up here in this thing.

So just keep looking for something,
anything that doesn't fit!

Bingo!

It's post time.

Oh, damn.
She took her purse.

Let's just relieve her of it.

- Are you crazy?
- Huh?

Now let's just wait
her out.

I've called this meeting
of the council board

to carry out the election
of the president of the P.T.A.

I'd like to address
the board.

Young lady, you are
out of order.

According to the bylaws of the
Harper Valley School District system

it says here, "Any person legally embraced
by the Harper Valley district

may petition at any time

any office or member
of the school system

or its governing bodies
for redress of grievance."

And since I am legally embraced as
a student of this school system,

I reserve that right.

Would you ask your question
and be quick about it, Miss Johnson?

I refer to the minutes
of September 8th, 1968

wherein this board was
first elected.

1963?

Well, we cannot hold
the vote of this board

on a question of a meeting
that many years ago.

It says here, and I quote,

"Minutes of all activities
must be kept on file

if they pertain to the business
of the school system as a whole."

You do have the minutes kept,
do you not?

Yes, of course we do.

Where is Olive Glover?

Oh.

Ahem. Well, um...

it, um, seems that Miss Glover

is off on a personal errand.

Well, let's get on with it.

I'm sorry,
but parliamentary rules state--

This meeting is adjourned
until somebody can find Olive Glover!

Jeez, if I don't get
some fresh air...

It ain't exactly Chanel No. 5
around here, you know?

You're telling me.

- What? What?
- Shh!

- She's coming.
- Oh!

What do you think you're doing?

You stole that money
and I'm gonna prove it!

You're a liar! That little thief
Mavis stole it!

Nobody's gonna believe you.

Oh, you little--

Let's see if she can come out
of that one smelling like a rose.

Well, I hear it's good
for the complexion.

Oh yeah!

Hey!

Damn!

Sure did look like Skeeter.

Come in, Deep Set.
Come in, Deep Set.

This is Bar Belly.
This is Bar Belly. Over.

Uh, roger, Bar Belly.
This is Deep Set. Over.

Have located something
near the old monastery on Trail Road.

Cannot set down.

Suggest you investigate
maroon van.

We're going to refuel.

You're coming in
two by two, Bar Belly.

We'll investigate maroon van.
Over and out, honey.

This is Deep Set.

Did you see anything?

Plenty. Here, put these on.

Alice, you didn't?

Well, even nuns have
washday blues.

- Polish, polish, polish.
- Where?

- On the nails!
- Oh Jesus!

Oh, what the hell,
let's go in here.

- Where?
- Oh, look, there's a stairway.

Quick. Shh, shh.

Skeeter!

What happened?
Huh?

Oh, I told you.
He's drunk.

- .' I'll meet again with Barbara. .'
- Shh!

- Huh?
- Oh, Alice. Alice, look.

What are we gonna do?

Go on, Skeeter,
get right over here.

- What are you doing?
- Against the wall. Stay right there.

Whoa.

- What happened?
- Shh! Skeeter, be quiet.

- Shh!
- Help me pull.

♪ I've got sisters and brothers
and cousins... ♪

Come on, help me pull!

All right!

Pull harder.
I think it's coming!

How about a little drinky,
Sisters? Have a drink.

That's it!
That's it!

- What's this? Where is this?
- Skeeter, stay right there.

Oh, Sisters,
what are you--?

Come on, get this stuff off.
Here it is.

Skeeter- come on, here.
Help me.

Skeeter, stand
right up here.

Stand right up there.
Hold him up.

Get that on him.

- You look just beautiful.
- Where am I going?

♪ I got sisters
and brothers and cousins- ♪

- Shh.
- Why's it so quiet?

- Walk straight.
- Straight? I can't--

I just love your place, Sister.
I'll be back.

- She's been sick.
- Who's sick?

You're pushing me!

What's so funny?

I was just thinking
of that guy Skeeter

we left chained up
in that room back there

with a case of wine. Boy, that guy is gonna
squeeze a few, you know it.

How'd you ever think
of that monastery?

How'd you know about that? Did you
used to date somebody from there?

No, it's simple.

I knew the janitor hung out
at Kelly's Bar, so I slipped him a few.

Hey, that's a great idea.

You slipped him a few, yeah.

Slipped him a few what?

Would you just step on it.
I want to get our dough and split.

Oh, right!

Hi-ho, Silver! Away!

Oh, Skeeter, get down!

Hey, Tex.
Look at that.

- Look at what?
- Get a load of them nuns in that bug.

Man, they are driving
like a bat out of hell. Look at that.

Boy!

Let's catch up
with them. Want to?

You ever drag a nun?
That would be fun.

- Just drive.
- I'm gonna catch 'em.

Hey, look at that nun
in the backseat.

Boy, she needs a shave.

Hey, Tex! Tex!
That ain't no nun!

That looks like that guy
we left tied up!

Hey, you know, for once
I think you're right.

That is Skeeter!

- Step on it! We've got to stop them.
- You've got it.

Happy New Year!

Alice, I want to get there.

But these outfits
don't guarantee immortality.

Well, I ain't driving
this thing for my health.

Or maybe I am!

That van is on our tail!

Oh no, it's the same car that
was outside the monastery.

Watch out!

Herbie!

Looks like Alice's car.

And there's three nuns in it.

Yeah!

It must be Stella and Alice!

- And Skeeter.
- Yeah!

He converted?

If we don't stop those nuns
we're going to be in a lot of trouble!

Trouble?
Oh, I don't know.

I don't know, Tex. I don't think I could
hurt a nun. I don't think I can do that.

You hurt who I tell you
to hurt or I'll hurt you.

- I can hurt a nun. I can do that.
- Okay, let's go!

Hey, Sister, pull over!

I ain't your sister, fruit face!

Pull over yourself.

Fruit face?

All right, all right.

Enough of this
Mr. Nice Guy stuff.

They wanna play rough,
then we'll play rough.

Hey, wait a minute, Tex.
You ain't gonna shoot no nun, are you?

I mean, you shoot a nun
I'm going straight to hell, brother.

- Pretend it's a penguin!
- A penguin.

- What's going on here, huh?
- For God's sakes, Skeeter, sit down!

What are we gonna do?

Oh, keep driving!

They're shooting guns!

Who are those guys?

I don't know, but fly higher.

Will, they're after us and they've
got guns! What are we gonna do?

Keep driving!

You're kidding.

Watch out!

Don't worry!

Oh God!

- Oh God!
- No!

- I can make it!
- No, you can't.

- I can make it.
- No.

Dutch? Dutch!

Are you all right, kid?

Dutch, talk to me, Dutch.

Come on, kid.

Kid, you all right?

Dutch, talk to me!

- I think I'm all right. I think so.
- Are you all right?

Good. Dutch, you didn't
make it, Dutch.

- I didn't make it?
- You didn't make it!

I told you you didn't make it.

I told you you didn't
make it, Dutch!

Why don't you ever listen
to me, Dutch? Listen to me.

Come on in, everybody.

Now that the rabble-rousers
have gone

perhaps this board
can get down to business.

You still haven't got
the minutes to the meeting.

Oh ho, ho, really?

Is Bobby Taylor here?

- I'm here!
- Bring her in.

Oh, Olive!

Olive, what did
you step in?

You're going to have
a lot of good luck.

As you can see,

we now have the secretary
and the book.

Um, Olive, please.

Do you wish to continue
with this charade?

No, ma'am.

Then I suggest
that we take a vote immediately!

- Olive!
- Hold the phone, Flora Simpson Reilly!

- Who's that?
- It's a nun.

It's two nuns. It's nuns.

Nuns? What are
nuns doing here?

We've got a couple of voting
members to be heard from.

Yeah, and you are gonna
be one voter short.

Go and get her, boys.

Congratulations,
Madam President.

- Why, thank you.
- Now, I have something else planned.

Oh, what's that, Will?

- Come on, let's go.
- Go? Where we going?

To get married.

Oh God!

- I thought he'd never ask.
- Yay!

♪ I want to tell
you all a story ♪

♪ About a Harper Valley
widowed wife ♪

♪ Who had
a teen-aged daughter ♪

♪ Who attended Harper Valley
Junior High ♪

♪ Well, her daughter came home
one afternoon ♪

♪ And didn't
even stop to play ♪

♪ And she said,
"Mama, got a note here ♪

♪ From the Harper Valley
P.T.A." ♪

♪ Well, the note said,
"Mrs. Johnson ♪

♪ You're wearing
your dresses way too high ♪

♪ It's reported
you've been drinking ♪

♪ And running around with men
and going wild ♪

♪ And we don't believe
you ought be ♪

♪ A-bringing up
your little girl this way" ♪

♪ And it was signed
by the secretary ♪

♪ Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪

♪ Well, it happened that
the P.T.A. ♪

♪ Was going to meet
that very afternoon ♪

♪ And they were sure surprised
when Mrs. Johnson ♪

♪ Wore her mini-skirt
into the room ♪

♪ And as she walked up
to the blackboard ♪

♪ I can still recall
the words she had to say ♪

♪ She said "I'd like
to address ♪

♪ This meeting of
the Harper Valley P.T.A. ♪

♪ Well, there's Bobby Taylor
sitting there ♪

♪ And seven times
he's asked me for a date ♪

♪ And Mrs. Taylor sure seems
to use a lot of ice ♪

♪ Whenever he's away ♪

♪ And, Mr. Baker,
can you tell us why ♪

♪ Your secretary
had to leave this town? ♪

♪ And shouldn't
Greta Jones be told ♪

♪ To keep her window shades
all pulled completely down? ♪

♪ Well, Mr. Harper
couldn't be here ♪

♪ 'Cause he stayed too long
at Kelly's Bar again ♪

♪ And if you'll smell
Shirley Thompson's breath ♪

♪ You'll find she's had
a little nip of gin ♪

♪ And then you had
the nerve to tell me ♪

♪ You think that as a mother
I'm not fit ♪

♪ Well, this is
just a little Peyton Place ♪

♪ And you're all Harper Valley
hypocrites" ♪

♪ No, I wouldn't
put you on ♪

♪ Because it really did,
it happened just this way ♪

♪ The day my mama
socked it to ♪

♪ The Harper Valley
P.T.A. ♪

♪ The day my mama
socked it to ♪

♪ The Harper Valley
P.T.A. ♪