All language subtitles for scrubs.s08e06.My Cookie Pants.eng

J.D.: There's nothing worse than
running into a sworn enemy

first thing in the morning.

Well, if that's the case, Fred,
just put him on blood thinners.

Excuse me, Perry.
You don't have a phone.

You're just holding
your hand to your ear.

Fred, I got to go.
He's gonna make me talk to him.

Sure, I'll pass it on.

Fred says you are a tool.

I got nothing. That's a good one.

Thank you.

Still no Chief of Medicine, huh?

You must love not having anybody
around to make you toe the line.

It's pretty much
a captain-less ship around here.

People showing up late,
stealing supplies.

Basically doing
whatever the hell they want.

Okay, as you can see,
we've repaired the perforation.

Now all that's left to do is sew up
the surrounding muscle tissue.

Are there any questions?

- I don't think you're doing this right.
- Get out of here.

- All right. Let me just touch his heart.
- Hey!

Bottom line, if we don't get a new boss
in this place soon, it'll fall apart.

I'd pretend to care, but I don't have to.

- Here's my office.
- Okay, fine,

you go ahead and have fun
spending your golden years

at a depressing coffee chain,
surrounded by...

I don't mean to cut you off, Perry.
But I have to take this call.

Look at that, he brought it back.

Doctor.

Oh, now that can't be good.

J.D.: I was still trying to get
my intern Jo

to be more sensitive with her patients.

Don't worry, Mr. Hapburn.
A lot of people are afraid of needles.

I was only surprised because
you're the first one I've come across

that doesn't have a vagina.

Did you know that guy was a priest?

I did. I'll see you tomorrow.

If you're not here, I'll just assume

that demons dragged you down to Hell
to chew your face off.

J.D.: Now that I was dating Elliot again,

I finally had something to get home to.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Why did you put my piano mat here?

I was here all by myself
and I got a little freaked out,

so I thought I'd use that
as a burglar alarm.

That's catchy.

Cookies are done.

I baked a dozen for you
and a dozen for me.

Now, I like to eat one and a half
cookies every day

so that a dozen cookies
lasts eight days.

Well, 10 days because I don't
eat sugar on Wednesdays,

and on Sundays I call my mom,

and she asks what's wrong
with my phone because I sound fat.

Anyway, I'm gonna go change.
I brought my cookie pants.

Notice the loose waist to accommodate
an expanding stomach.

I finished my dozen.

Why would you eat
all of your cookies at once?

I mean, what did you think
was gonna happen to them?

Come to daddy.

Still pretty smoky.

Worth it.

So, he'd kill us?

I told Turk you were making cookies.

Plus he has a key to my place
and Carla's out of town.

Elliot, with his diabetes,

it's the only time he gets to eat sweets.

I'm dating an idiot.

Yeah, but you knew
what you were getting into.

J.D., someone's in the house.

Turk, get out of here!

Pull that piano crap on me. Please.

I can't do this all on my own

No, I know

I'm no Superman

I'm no Superman

Morning, sleepy.

I got to go to work.
I wish I had the day off, too.

Hey, do you realize that
we've already been dating for a week,

but we still haven't had sex?

Yes, but you know what?
We're not gonna rush this time.

We're just gonna go with the flow.

I think we should do it right now.

J. D? Why are you throwing
your pants at me?

Because I got excited. Woohoo!

Well, you should be.

Because tonight when you get home,
I'm going to be waiting here,

and it's gonna be the most amazing,
crazy night you've ever had.

- Stop throwing dirty clothes at me!
- Stop saying sexy things.

Can't wait for tonight.

- I really wish I hadn't done that.
- Yeah, me, too.

J.D.: Mr. Lawton, one of
my favorite patients, was back.

Unfortunately, Jo was his intern.

- Hi.
- How's it going over here?

Well, young Dr. Mahoney was just
observing that my heart disease was...

- What was that, sweetheart?
- A giant buzzkill.

- Jo...
- What?

I was on cloud nine this morning.
Had a good night's sleep, hot shower,

big old pancake breakfast, then bang.

Chronic heart disease. Buzzkill.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Lawton feels horrible
that his condition annoyed you.

- I doubt it.
- She doubts it.

Okay, well, other than the abdominal
discomfort, everything okay, sir?

Well, I'd feel better if this bed
were a little more comfortable.

Here. Lean up. Lean up.

Thank you.
And I'm sorry if I ruined your day.

- Yeah, we're cool.
- Apparently, you guys are cool.

Yeah. Sure, I can come in then.

Thank you.

That was just the Board.

They're offering me
the Chief of Medicine job.

- Shut up!
- Yeah.

Do you know what this means?

That when I ask our nanny

how she manages to raise
her own kid without a nanny,

I can hire a second nanny
to listen to her boring answer.

Perry, look at yourself.

You don't get in
your own way anymore.

Sweetie, I am so, so proud of you.

Thank you.

I'm feeling so open and vulnerable

that it's literally filling me up
with rage and hatred, so I should go.

- Fair enough. All right.
- Okay.

Say, I heard you and Barbie were back
together again. How's that going?

J.D.: He doesn't care. Don't answer.

Is there less drama this time?

Hold firm.

Does it feel different?

Give him nothing.

Look at you not getting sucked in.

Maybe you are a little bit older
and a little bit wiser,

enough for this whole thing
to work out with Barbie this time.

- I really think I am...
- Oh, my God.

How do you not get that
I will never, ever care

about your pasty, white love life?

I only brought it up because I noticed

that Barbie wasn't here at work today,
and I was hoping

that your relationship with her
had already gone so far south

that you'd killed her and buried
her deep in a wooded area,

and that soon you would be carted off

for the aforementioned crime
of pasty, white passion.

Well, no such luck. She's just at home.

Carla,
why won't you pick up? I need to talk!

I cannot believe
that you leave the country

the week I get back together with J.D.

I feel like that's not a coincidence.

Wait. I didn't mean that.

I know that your aunt did not fall
out of that balloon on purpose.

Anyway, I promised J.D.
This crazy sex night,

and now I'm totally losing it.

I've been trying on lingerie,
but nothing fits

because I ate an entire batch of
cookie dough last night with a spatula.

Plus, at my last appointment,
I got in a fight with my waxer,

and now there is a rash on my bajingo

that looks like
a thousand tiny spider bites.

Damn it, Carla,
I need tonight to be special

and you're not there for me, and I know
what you're gonna say is that...

You're gonna say that
you've always come through

and that sometimes I'm selfish,
but even if that's true,

I don't need to hear
your attitude right now

because I am sick of it.
Do you hear me? Sick of it!

I love you. Call me.

What can I say?
I just wish you were at home with her.

- You and me both.
- That was an insult.

I know. I thought if I took it
as a compliment,

it would drive you insane
and you'd go away.

- Damn it!
- Hey, J.D.

Because of the abdominal discomfort,

I was thinking of ordering an endoscopy
on Mr. Lawton. Yeah?

No, no, he had
the same symptoms before.

It turned out it was just heartburn.

An endoscopy's a really painful,
invasive procedure.

Who gives a crap?

I don't know, Jo. I think I do.

- Probably sounds crazy to you?
- Not crazy, just a little weird.

Okay, no more sugarcoating. All right?

You will never be a good doctor

until you learn what it means
to truly care for your patients.

And if I don't start seeing
some changes soon,

you're gonna be out on your ass.
All right?

There's your buzzkill. Go back to work.

J.D.: Careful. Keep your bad-ass doctor
stare going in case she looks back.

Nailed it.

Bob, what are you doing up here?
Are you sick?

No, I'm just taking a stroll.
But thanks for your concern.

I'm not concerned.
I meant to sound hopeful.

Let me try it again. Are you sick?

Perry, why are you hating
this morning?

I just came up here because I heard

the Board offered you
the Chief of Medicine.

- They did. It's a great opportunity.
- It certainly is.

The minute I took that job,
everything got bigger.

My office, my staff,
my secretary's hooters.

They were a Christmas bonus.
For both of us.

Still, I took the job
to improve patient care,

but you spend most of your time
dealing with bureaucratic garbage.

And what with the budget meetings

and addressing staff
and patient complaints,

you barely have time for a life.
And what is your reward?

Everybody in the hospital hates you.
Yay! Anyway, Chief, congrats again.

Hey, with Carla and Izzy out of town,

must be nice to have the place
to yourself for once, huh?

Dude, I can't answer that.

How many people here are spies
and are ordered to report

everything I say back to Carla?

I should go.

I love my wife and I wanna be
by her side at all times! All times!

You heard that, Rochelle?

Psst! Turk, come here.

- Elliot, are you sick?
- No, I just don't have makeup on.

You look pretty.

- Turk, I need some help with J.D.
- Okay.

You guys are back together.
I get that, it's great.

You're a fit. I just don't wanna
get caught in the middle again.

Well, you should've thought of that
before you jacked all my cookies.

You're in.

- Stupid sweet tooth!
- Okay.

Dr. Reid,
when did you become homeless?

- These are just my cookie pants.
- These are my muffin slacks.

Bam!

I've been rocking these bad boys
since the day I retired.

Huh.

- Where's Mr. Lawton?
- He's getting an endoscopy.

Jo, please tell me
you didn't order that procedure

even though I told you not to.

Well, I did, so that kind of
puts me in a pickle.

Okay, I am so angry right now,

I don't even know what to say.
You got to give me a second.

J.D.: I knew exactly what to say,
but the longer I waited,

the more I knew
it would make her squirm.

See, there's a lot of things
that can leave someone speechless.

How'd the meeting go, Chief?
Is it official?

J.D.: It can be an answer
you don't expect.

I didn't go. I don't want the job.

Just tell me this one thing
and then I'll leave you alone.

J.D.: Or a question you wish
you didn't know the answer to.

If you had to come up with
the ultimate sexual experience for J.D.,

what would it be?

J.D.: For Jo, it was just gonna be a
good, old-fashioned verbal beat-down.

I don't know who you think you are,

but I promise you, you are gonna regret
this mistake for the rest of your...

Sorry to interrupt.

Great call ordering
that endoscopy, Dr. Mahoney.

Mr. Lawton has stomach cancer.

J.D.: Yep. Speechless.

J.D.: Time to make things right.

Jo, I'm sorry.

I thought you were being
callous with Mr. Lawton,

and you were just being thorough.

God, I'm a good apologizer.

From now on, I'm gonna stop riding you
and let Jo be Jo. Sound good?

No. Sounds great.

Why would you apologize?
What the hell is your problem?

Reminds me of what my grandpa
taught me when I was a boy.

He said, "Janitor,
every time an angry woman storms out,

"another angry woman storms in."

What?

Get out of my way!

That one's for you,
Pop-Pop.

He's not dead. He's upstairs. Dying.

Excuse me. Dr. Kelso, isn't it?
I'm Jordan Sullivan.

What are you doing?

I'm introducing myself.
Because, clearly,

anyone who would convince Perry not
to take the Chief job has never met me.

That pansy-assed little tattletale.

Bob, so help me God, you fix this,
or I will grab you by your muffin top

and stomp on your withering man-parts
until your eyes pop out.

Twenty years ago
I would have thrown you on this table

and made love to you right here.

And I would have loved it!

See, that is the kind of passion
that I want tonight with J.D.,

but we've hooked up
so much in the past,

I can't come up with anything new.

Ooh! What if I dripped
hot candle wax on his chest?

No. Tina Two-Kids tried it
and burned off his treasure trail.

Okay, okay. Let's just keep spit-balling.
What if I strangle him a little?

No. J.D. Might like the idea of that,

but if he loses too much oxygen
he'll get dizzy,

and then his Space Needle
will become his space noodle.

- How do you even know that?
- Elliot, I just do.

Matter of fact, I don't want to talk
about this anymore, all right? I'm out.

Angry woman out.

Damn it!

Angry woman in.

You better not be making me
one of your stupid Janitor jokes.

No, ma'am.

Angry woman out.

Hey, I'm glad I found you.

I need your approval to cut down
some lollipop trees

- outside the Sea-Monkey hut.
- What are you talking about?

These decisions have
to go through you

because you're
the Mayor of Crazytown.

Okay, I really don't need this right now.

Okay, fine, but you're supposed
to be working,

so would you mind checking
the patient in bed six for dementia?

This is bed six.

I know. I think you're crazy.
It was a two-fer. Pow-pow.

You're aware
I could kick your ass, right?

I'm sure I'd get in some slaps.

Look, I know I'm horrible with patients.

But I make one lucky call
with Mr. Lawton's endoscopy

and now you're not gonna push me
anymore to be better?

Okay, you're not the Mayor
of Crazytown, you're the Emperor.

At least when you gave me crap
I knew you were trying to help.

But now you're just giving up on me?

What do you care?
You don't even listen to me.

What? I've been busting my ass trying
to be more caring with the patients.

Remember when Mr. Lawton
was uncomfortable?

Thank you, doctor.

- That must have been so hard for you.
- Yeah, I'm still mad thinking about it.

- What's with the yarn?
- I'm gonna use it later.

Oh, by the way, Jordan thinks I'm hot.

Yeah, she mentioned that before.
It's disturbing.

Why aren't you taking the job, Perry?

You said it was
a bureaucratic nightmare.

- And I don't want to be miserable.
- You love being miserable.

- I don't want everyone to hate me.
- Everybody already hates you.

You wanna know the real reason
why you don't want the gig, champ?

- Because you're a fraidy-cat.
- Beg your pardon?

Didn't you hear me?
Are fraidy-cat's ears too tiny?

- Don't push me, Bob.
- You're right. I'm sorry.

Would it make you feel any better
to bat this around for a while?

Yeah, I told you
I was gonna use it later.

Do you know why I got into medicine?

I assumed there was some sort of flyer
outside football practice.

No. Look, I don't care that
I'm not that feminine.

I still look rocking hot when I'm naked
so I can get it whenever I want it.

- Okay, now that was feminine.
- Shut up.

I became a doctor because
I love the nuts and bolts of it all.

Like that woman over there?
I am fascinated by the way

her heart pumps blood through
her body like a machine.

The way her axons are covered
in a thin layer of myelin,

like an insulated electrical wire.

But tell me to empathize with her,
to be totally open and vulnerable?

No, I can't even do that with my
own family, let alone a total stranger.

I'm not sure I can get past that.

What makes you think
you're so special?

Every doctor in this place has flaws

they've been dealing with
since they were a little kid.

Hell, the guy who taught me
is constantly getting in his own way.

Who needs a promotion anyway?

I'm dating a girl who's always fighting
her own neuroses.

Come on, Turk! Talk to me!

And you saw my biggest flaw
in action today.

I was willing to let a patient I liked
go without an endoscopy

because I wanted to spare him
a painful procedure.

Sometimes I care a little too much.

Yeah, but that caring thing has
a major upside.

And so does your cold, bitchy thing.

It'll protect you from letting
all this stuff weigh you down.

Remember last Monday?

We spent that night watching
a young father die of lung cancer.

- Do you remember his name?
- No. Not even a little bit.

Jack Fremont.

Sometimes I still think about him
and that is not a good thing.

What?

You're so in touch with your emotions,
and I can't really get to mine.

It's kind of like I'm the dude
and you're the chick.

Not really getting that simile, Jo,
but if it works for you, awesome.

So, now we know what my deal is.
How you gonna fix it?

I'm not gonna fix anything.
I got my own garbage.

You're gonna do this on your own.

You're a doctor.

Turk, come on. I'm desperate.

Elliot, Todd and I are in
the middle of teaching our interns

how to do an appendectomy.

Please. You just cut it out
and sew him up.

She's right, actually. Finish up.

Look, Carla always says that
making love with you is perfect.

- Yeah, she did.
- Tell me what makes it so special.

I mean, she says
that you even cry sometimes.

- Thank you for sharing.
- That's okay, T-Dog,

if it doesn't hurt,
you're not doing it right.

I just want things to be different
with J.D. This time, to be better.

You wanna know what's so special
about Carla and me?

That we don't have to try
and make it special. Okay?

We're just connected.

If you want things to be different
with J.D. This time around,

you're gonna have to give up all
of that immature, neurotic over-thinking

and just be with each other.

- Todd, hit the button.
- What button?

Much better.

Turk!

That's not right.

So this is what fear feels like, huh?

It's kind of like being really drunk,
only in a very sad way.

You're just loving watching me
fall apart like this, huh?

More than comfy shoes
and a warm place to crap.

- Yeah.
- But you're gonna take this job.

Partly because
you were meant to do it,

but mostly because, if you don't,
I will always remind you

that you are a sac-less little fraidy-cat.

Why in the hell
did you try to talk me out of it?

I had to tell you the truth
to prepare you.

If I'd fluffed it up,
you would have tortured me forever.

So you really think
I'm the man for the job?

Who the hell do you think
recommended you?

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Oh, God, no.
- What?

You don't really think
we're becoming friends, do you?

Good Lord. I hope not.

You wanna come over
for a brewski tomorrow

and check out my hobby shop?

- Too fast, Bob.
- Yeah, I knew when I said it.

Oh, good.
You're done with your quiet time.

Look, the nurse said
that Mr. Lawton's having

a bit of a breakdown about his cancer.

I want you to go over there
and help him through it.

You really want me talking to him?

- Lf he cries, I'm gonna hit him.
- Don't mess it up.

Okay.

J.D.: I knew I couldn't fix Jo,
but I could still give her a push.

Because sometimes that's all people
need to deal with their fatal flaw.

Well, I'm the new Chief.

What the hell is happening?

Still too soon?

Way too soon, Bob.

J.D.: And even if some people
can only take a baby step...

I can't imagine
what it's like to have cancer,

but I bet it sucks.

It totally sucks.

- You all right?
- Yeah, I'll get through it.

J.D.: Others might finally be able
to stop trying so hard

and just let the moment happen.

Wow. You look amazing.

Even in cookie pants?

Especially in cookie pants.

That one's for you, Pop-Pop.

He's not dead. He's upstairs. Dying.

- J.D.: Is he a patient here?
- Yeah. He's in the psych ward.

He says he's an owl,
but I can't believe a word he hoots.

That one's for you, Grandpa.

He's not dead. He's on the roof.

J.D.: Why on the roof?

He thinks he's a mountain lion.

Just like my granddad taught me
when I was a boy.

He said, "Janitor, don't marry
a German. They have monkey feet."