All language subtitles for The.Art.of.Being.Straight

MAN ON TV: Welcome back
to the show, everybody!

[ Applause ]

We got a good show for you tonight,
everybody.

Our top story tonight--

The president has signed into bill
a new law about the vegetable oil...?

[ Laughter ]

That's really gay.

[ Knocking on door ]

[ TV show continues ]

[ Knocking on door ]

Someone at the door.

[ Refrigerator door slams,
bottles clanking ]

-You done left the lady.
-We're on a break.

You moved 3,000 miles away.
l'd say your break is broken.

So, you keeping in touch
with anyone from school?

JON: Yeah, actually.
Do you remember Maddy?

Yeah.

She -- She called me. l guess --
l guess she's out here.

She wants to go out, so. . .

You are going
to love it out here, Jon.

-The women.
-Yeah.

AND Y: You got the couch
till you can find a place.

-Salud.
-Salud.

Sister, roommate
l'm going away for the weekend

Do me a favor, just lock the door
when you're leaving

Now, l trust you more
than anyone l've ever known

These past few weeks
l've erased all my friends

So l'm waiting back at home

So don't look inside my chest

Though l know we've
talked, exchanged our secrets

There are some words only meant
for the wastepaper basket

And no one else

When there's
no privacy, there's no wonder

Do you wonder what l mean?

l shut the shades
l'll do you your favor

l lock the door
and l can feel the hair standing up

Tabula Advertising.

Uh, Paul?
Just one moment.

Hi.

[ Pen clicking ]

[ lnhales ]

[ Exhales ]

So, you're an East Coaster.

Uh, New York, originally,
but l went to school in Boston.

l'll level with you.

lt's not very creative.

Basically what they're looking for

is someone to be an administrative
assistant and work their way up.

l can do that.

So, Boston. Very cool. You, um --

You go out a lot in Boston?

Sure, yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

Like, uh -- Like clubs?

Uh, bars, mostly.

Like regular bars?

Regular bars.

[ Pen clicks ]

When can you start?

[ lndistinct conversation ]

All right, all right.

[ Laughs ]

l would have remembered that
because that was the same night

as run-a-block walk.

What's that?

Oh, um, by the way. . .

That's Andy's theory
that when you're drunk,

you don't know what's going on,

so you can literally run a block
and then walk a block,

and it gets you home faster.

[ Laughs ]

l'm going to go ahead and say
you're a donkey douche.

What are you guys talking about?

Uh, Matt here seems to think

that this kid that works
at the pool hall is a homo.

Bryan, if you like guys,
that means you're gay.

Matt, he didn't say
anything like that.

Then what'd he say?

He didn't say anything,
you dumpy bastard.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

lt tends to work better
when it's not being broken.

Oh, l see.

l couldn't seem to,
uh, get it to, uh --

That's when l had it --

-Paul.
-Jon.

We'll grab lunch.

[ lndistinct conversations,
rock music playing ]

-Jon! Jon!
-Oh, God.

Hi! Muah!

-Hi.
-How are you?

-This is Anna.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-Nice to meet you.

Hi.

[ Singing ]

So, l'm going to quit that soul sucker
of a fucker job tomorrow.

You've been saying
that for months, Maddy.

So, what is it you do, Jon?

l, uh -- l work at an ad agency.

-Oh.
-Yeah, so. . .

How do you like it so far?

Uh, this executive
asked me to lunch.

So, it's, uh --
lt's, uh, good so far.

Yeah.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

How are your women, Jon?

-My women?
-Mm-hmm.

Jon always had an unsteady few
in rotation back in college.

-ls that right?
-lt's not right. That is not true.

-That is not --
-No?

-That is not truthful.
-Don't bullshit.

What girl in our entire dorm did
you not try and screw, including me?

[ Chuckles ]

So, where are you staying, anyway?

Uh, Andy's.

Oh, God.

lt's been fine, really, really.

lt's just -- l'm just saving up
for a place, so. . .

Mm.

So, uh. . .

How do you two know each other?

[ Chuckles ]

You didn't know?

You didn't think
we were going to, like. . .

Ok-- No, l knew.

[ Laughs ]

-l totally knew.
-That's cute.

[ Laugh ]

[ lndistinct conversation ]

AND Y: All right, here we go.
Check.

-AND Y: Come on, man.
-Look at me.

l'm looking at you.

Jon.

Nice!

Get it.

Nice.

Strike.

What are you doing?

-Ohh!
-Ohh!

There it is, baby.

Whoo!

That's what we do.
We hug in L.A.

MATT:
He's crazy! Ohhhh!

[ Laughs ]

MATT: That was awesome.
That was awesome.

BRYAN: Oh.

MATT:
Cue it up, Andy.

BRYAN: Here we go.

MATT:
Live it up, baby.

Oh! Whoa!

Matt, look, you think that anybody
with a naturally jolly disposition

is gay.

-And. . .
-No. You're wrong.

Another round, boys?

BRYAN: Oh, no, we're all right.
Thanks.

Um. . .

Hey, nice pints.

MATT:
Nice ass.

You could fucking bounce a nickel
off that shit, right into the jukebox.

-l'd bang the snot out of her.
-You should.

You should go up, and you should
get her number right now.

l'll give you 20 bucks if you go get--

Uh, you -- you don't know Jon.

-l know Jon won't get it and--
-You don't think l would?

No, l don't think --

l think he's got Sugar Tits
in the bag, personally.

MATT: You don't think
he's going to pussy out?

l think you should just give me
the 20 bucks now, look, alright?

-Okay.
-Just write out a check.

We'll get back to Andy's.

Move over, bitch.

Did you get her number?

-Yes? Oh, did l --
-No, he did not.

Aah! No!

You owe me 20 bucks right now.

He's a freakin' Don Juan Casanova
or some shit.

Where did you get this guy?

Oh, that's my boy.

Yes!

Oh, come on!

You -- l hate you.

-l hate you!
-Are you going to write me a check?

Hi. Aaron.

l just moved in next door.

Oh, you took the dead guy's place.

What are you, an actor?

You here to fill someone else's wet
dream of waiting tables for 1 0 years

just to blow your 1 5-minute load
on a bit part.

Actually, l'm a history teacher.

[ Sighs heavily ]

Of course. l'm sorry. Bad day.

-lt's okay.
-Maddy.

Nice to meet you, Maddy.

Uh, no dead guy, by the way,

just some bitchy old lady
with a farting dog.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, um, you don't happen to know

anywhere around here
l could get some. . . .

Marijuana?

Yeah, uh, just next door
they usually have some.

-Bye.
-Nice to meet you.

-PAUL: So, what's your angle?
-JON: My angle?

PAUL:
What do you do for fun?

JON:
l'm into photography.

l have a friend, um,
downtown who runs a, uh, gallery.

Oh, l guess
if l sort of just accidentally

gave you some of my photographs,
it probably wouldn't --

-Who's your favorite?
-Uh, photographer?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, l like Capa.

-Robert Capa?
-Yeah.

Oh, he's great.
l went to a, uh --

to an exhibit of his a few months ago
at the Getty.

Really?
l've, uh -- l've never been.

Then l'll have to take you.

Are you okay?

l was just, uh -- just wondering
where the -- the food is.

lt's almost 2:00.
So, we should probably, um. . .

So?

So. . .

[ Chuckles ]

Do you like girls?

[ Laughs ]

Yeah. Yes.

[ Chuckles ]

Some were wondering in the office.

l didn't mean
to make you feel uncomfortable.

[ Clears throat ]
No, no, it -- it doesn't.

-So, are you straight?
-Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

What?

l'd really like to see
your photographs.

l might be seeing that friend of mine
in the next few weeks.

All right.

Good.

Ah!

Food.

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Rock music playing ]

[ Knocking on door ]

The landlord.

[ Laughs ]

l like your place.

Thanks, Aaron.
l like your place, too.

[ Chuckles ]

You haven't seen it yet.

Mm.

You have to say that at some point.

[ Exhales ]

-Hey, so, what's with the bike?
-What do you mean?

l don't know.
l always see you with it.

lt's kind of like
a hipster requirement, isn't it?

lt's a -- lt's a bike.

And you're a hipster.

[ lnhales ]

[ Chuckles ]

-l'm not a hipster.
-Oh, no?

No.

And l'm not the one smoking pot
on my couch and reading ''Sarte.''

Neither am l.

l'm smoking pot
and reading ''Sartre.''

[ Laughs ]

Sartre? Sar-- Sartre?

-Am l pronouncing it wrong?
-l think so, yeah.

l've always heard, uh --
l've always heard ''Sarte.''

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

You know, you're not
like a lot of the, um --

other girls that l've met
out here so far.

You seem like you have
a better sense of who you are

than a lot of the people
l've run into.

lt's, uh. . .

You seem, uh, content.
That's what l mean.

Yeah, yeah. Well, l'm not.

Why not?

Because l hate my job,

and the people that l work with
are a cult of bloodsucking vampires.

Ohh. What do you do?

l work at an art gallery.

Mm.

Hey, can l ask you
a personal question?

Yeah.

How come you're wearing eyeliner?

Eyeliner?
l'm not wearing eyeliner.

-Are you gay?
-Am l gay?

Well, you seem a little gay.

Well, l can see your nipples
through your shirt.

There's the eyeliner thing
and the sort of just -- l don't know.

No, l'm not gay.

Okay.

Are you gay?

l have a girlfriend.

Really? What's her name?

Her --

[ Door opens ]

Shit.

Hi.

How'd you get in here?

You gave me a key, remember?

Look, l didn't ask for four.
l only want one.

Yeah, just one.

Yeah. ls that the price listed?

Uh-huh.

And that includes delivery?

Yeah, you can reach me here.

Nope.

Thank you.

[ Exhales ]

So, when am l going
to get to see your photographs?

Uh, soon, very soon.

Mm. Good.

l'm seeing that friend of mine soon.

How about this weekend?

l-l have plans.

Right. You have plans.

[ Cell phone ringing ]

This is Jon.

Hey, this is Paul.

Paul, hi. How are you?
How are you doing?

Good. Just picked up
some wine, relaxing.

What are you up to?

Uh, what am l up to? l'm out with --
l'm out with some friends.

Why don't you stop by
on your way home?

[ Clears throat ]

Stop -- Uh, stop by?

Yeah, l mean, you can show me
your photographs, have a glass.

Come on.
Bring them over.

Bring them over?

l'll be up, packing.
l leave for Vancouver tomorrow.

So this might be the only chance

l'll have to look
at them for a while.

Um. . .

[ Exhales ]

PAUL:
Yeah?

Yeah, it's, uh -- lt's Jon.

Hold on. l'll buz z you in.

[ Door buzzing ]

[ Sighs ]

Uh, yeah?

Yeah, it's -- lt's Jon.
l missed the buzzer.

[ Door buzzing ]

l will run

Make yourself comfortable.

Uh, this is --
This is a really nice place.

lt's okay.

PAUL: Did you fall asleep
in the middle of this?

That was, um --
That was an accident, actually.

[ Sips ]

Um, you know, she was swinging, and
l was taking the picture, and then --

l didn't get the exposure
that l wanted --

Have you shown these anywhere?

-Like -- like a gallery?
-Yes, like a gallery.

Uh, no, l mean, it's always just
sort of been like a hobby, so. . .

[ Sips ]

[ Exhales ]

-ls that -- ls that Hawaii?
-Oh, no. Puerto Rico.

Who's that --?
Who's that in the-- in the picture?

Oh, that's -- that's Kevin,
just a good friend of mine.

l went to, uh -- to Puerto Rico
with my family once.

-You have brothers, sisters?
-Mnh-mnh.

Have you told them?

[ Chuckles ]

Told them what?

You're gay.

[ Laughs ]

l'm not gay.

Kidding.

l know. l knew that you were. . .

You know, l'm trying to think

of who else l know in the art world
with a gallery

that deals with photography --

l mean, at least someone that
will take a good look at your work.

Most of my friends, they just show
paintings, fine art, stuff like that.

Uh, you don't have to think a--

-l mean, it's fine.
-No, no, no, it's obvious.

-You got talent.
-Thank you.

l appreciate that.

l wouldn't say it if l didn't mean it.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

[ Chuckles ]

l just find it hard to believe you
never kissed a guy or anything.

[ Chuckles ]

Why?

Well, you just seem like someone --

someone who'd be willing
to try anything once.

l was -- There was once.
There was --

l was drunk once in high school.

Really?

[ lnhales ]

Really.

l mean, we didn't sleep together
or anything like that.

We just fooled around, so. . .

[ Chuckles ]

We were -- We were drunk.

And you're not gay.

[ Chuckles ]

l'm not gay.

But you fool around with boys.

Uh. . .

[ Chuckles ]

Um. . .boy, single, one.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sips ]

[ Chuckles ]

l notice you do that.

Do what?

That, when you're nervous.

What? This? No.

[ Laughs ]

l'm not nervous. lt's fine.

Man!

Quite the collection you've got here.

l love this -- l love this movie.
This is really. . .

-This one?
-Yeah.

l remember that -- that --
Do you remember that scene. . .

Which one?

With the -- when they go
to the pool hall,

and they bet them 1 00 bucks,
uh, that they're going to, um. . .

l can't do this.

Sorry.

[ Exhales heavily ]

l really can't do this.

You just looked so beautiful
right there, l had to kiss you.

[ Exhales ]

l just -- l just don't want to --
l don't want to --

l don't want
to jeopardize anything. So. . .

l won't tell anyone about this,
about what just happened.

Why would l, Jon?

l mean, l have just as much to lose,
if not more.

l just -- l just don't --
l don't think this is a --

This isn't a good idea, so. . .

l'm sorry.

And l'm --
l-l'm sorry if l offended you.

No, it's, uh -- l --
l could have stopped you, so. . .

Why didn't you?

[ Breathing heavily ]

PAUL:
Do you want to move to the bed?

Hey, honey.

-AND Y: What's up?
-Nothing.

What do you mean, ''nothing''?
l can tell.

What?

The little dimple thing right there,

in the side of your mouth
when you're lying.

No, l don't. What?

Oh, my God, l can totally see it.

You're totally lying about something.
What are you doing?

AND Y:
Nothing.

-Jon.
-Ow.

Do not listen to your friend.
He is a crazy person.

But, seriously, did you. . .somebody?

[ Laughs ]

l don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh.

[ Sighs ]

Mmm.

Which one's the male
and the female?

-l don't know. Oh. That one.
-That's the male.

[ Water running ]

[ Light moaning ]

PAUL:
Stay.

l want to fuck you again
in the morning.

[ Laughs ]

l have to -- l have to go.
My roommate's --

He's going to be wondering.

Okay.

PAUL:
This was really your first time?

Don't tell me
you're regretting it already.

JON:
l have to go.

[ Sighs ]

You're adorable.

Look, Anna, l'm not sure
about tonight, okay?

l'm sorry.

Baby, can we talk about this later?
l got to go.

No cell phone in the gallery.
l've told you that before.

l know. l'm sorry.

l just had to make a quick call,
and there was nobody here.

-So l --
-Here, fax that.

Okay.

Fax that.

Okay.

He's right, you know.

You're not supposed
to be on your cell phone.

Thank you. l know that.

[ Sighs heavily ]

JON:
Yeah, Mom, everything's great, yeah.

No, l haven't talked to Dad, no.

No, l will. Yeah.
Okay, l love you, too.

Okay. Bye.

Cowboy!

[ Exhales ]

l met a girl today.

l was at the supermarket
buying mangoes,

and there was this chick
like right there buying mangoes.

So, we're standing in the supermarket
center checkout line,

and l did this little half-turn,
and then l say, ''Screw it.''

And l look directly at her,
and l say, ''Hey.''

l mean, anyways, l wish
l could just pick up a bottle of wine,

invite her back to my place.

l mean, it's more about the fantasy
and not the actual reality of it,

but l just -- still!

l miss the old days, man,
when we used to go out.

l did something last night, Andy.

l knew it. What'd you do?

l can't tell you, man.

But l -- l definitely
did something big.

[ Laughs ]

Dude, you can't say
you did something big

and not tell me about it.

She's really getting to you, huh?

The girl back home
that you're on a break with?

You slept with that chick
from the pool hall.

And what,
are you feeling guilty about it?

You weren't in love.
You left her, remember?

Yeah, you're probably right.

You know, Bela and l were
talking about you the other night,

and l was telling her
that, out of anyone l know,

l think you're going to make it

'cause you always know exactly
what you want and who you are.

Thanks, Andy.
l appreciate that.

Don't worry, man.
You're on the right path.

And trust me --
Sex is the best medicine.

Hi.

WOMAN:
So, uh. . .

What?

-Admit it.
-Admit what?

-You're a player.
-No, l'm not.

Uh, yeah, you are.
l can spot you boys a mile away.

You better be careful with me.
l've had my heart broken a lot lately.

Can l ask you a personal question?

WOMAN:
Okay.

-Do you like magic?
-Um, yeah.

All right, good.
l'm going to show you a card trick.

Okay.

lf it's 52-card pickup,
l will smack you.

lt's not 52-card pickup,
but it's close.

No, l'm just kidding.
All right, ready?

Pick a card.

-l want --
-Just not that one, please.

l want that one.

Okay, fine, you can have that one.

All right, you got your card?

Yes.

Okay, great.
Don't show it to me.

l'm not.

l almost saw it.
Put it back in.

There you go. All right.

Now shuffle.

-Can you shuffle?
-Of course.

All right, let's see it.

Okay.

Oh, wonderful,
you're done shuffling.

All right, ready?

All right.

[ Clears throat ]

Okay.

-Top card.
-The top one?

-Top one.
-Okay.

ls that your card?

Wait! How did you do that?!

lt's magic.

Okay, then do it again.

lt's a one-time show.

Wow. You really are a player.

l'm not a player. l'm just --
l'm just a lowly. . .magician.

[ Light moaning ]

[ Chuckles ]

-You're not going to call.
-You're thinking of somebody else.

l bet you say that to all your girls.

Oh, yeah?

l don't often do this.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, l bet that's what you say
to all your guys.

-Want to move to the bed?
-Yeah.

Where's the bed?

[ Laughs ]

That way.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Moans ]

[ Exhales ]

You're so hot.

You are.

Scorpio.

[ Exhales ]

[ Moaning ]

WOMAN:
Pleasure looks good on you.

-Um. . . Bob Marley?
-Basquiat. . .

Come on.

lt's my feeble attempt
at a hip art reference.

Oh, no, l can -- l see it.

What are you supposed to be?

l'm a history teacher.

Good costume.

-Happy Halloween.
-Yeah.

Um, where are you coming from?

Ugh. We went
to this Halloween party, sort of.

lt was really just a bunch of lesbians
with fake mustaches.

-''We''?
-Uh, me and Anna.

Uh, care to join me?

No fake mustaches. l promise.

ls that whiskey?

Andy! Andy!

You got a freaking ''A''
on your freaking chest, man!

l know, man.
lt's ''A'' for ''Andy''!

Hey, you know what it reminds me of?
''The Scarlet Letter.''

[ Laughter ]

Dude, it's ''The Scarlet Letter.''

[ Laughter ]

Oh!

Oh, shit.

[ Laughs ]

What?

Andy!

What's up, man?

Yeah, boy!

You are way too sober right now.
You know that?

You got to take it off.

Oh, my God.

No.

We are sports fans, and the ''R'' and
the ''O'' are meeting us at the party.

l see that. l definitely see that.

''Go, Rays!''
Rays! Rays! Rays! Rays!

Guys, shut the fuck up.

[ Laughter ]

l got to be up early, man.

Oh, my God,
l have to get up so early.

Oh, shit!

[ Laughter ]

Well, what am l going to be?

Go, Rays!

What's up, man?

Danini the wienie!

Bela wants her dildo back.

Hey, man, everything you say tonight's
got to be said with an exclamation.

That's funny.
That's really funny.

And if you start waxing drunk
about that chick, l swear. . .

Don't worry about me, pal.
l got laid again last night.

That's my boy!

l take back what l said.

What's that?

l don't like your place.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, thanks, Basquiat.
l appreciate that.

You just need --

need some art on the walls
or something.

Well, perhaps you could do
some of your graffiti there.

[ Glasses clink ]

You got a. . .

What? What?

-A dreadlock.
-Oh.

[ Laughs ]

Um, Velvet or Coltrane?

ls that a record player?

What?

Oh, nothing. . .hipster.

No, quiet's fine.

Thanks for the drink.

How's Anna?

She's good.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

She wants to get serious.

What's that mean?

She thinks
that we should live together.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah.

And you don't?

l-l don't know, man.

l was engaged.

You were not.

Yeah. Um, about six months ago.

Trust me, we had all the art
on the walls you could imagine.

She, uh, helped run
this gallery in Connecticut.

Something went wrong.

She was just the first
to do something about it.

Mm, so she left you.

lt wasn't meant to be.

You really believe in all that stuff?

Sure, why not?

l got to go.

You need Coltrane?

l don't need Coltrane.
l need sleep.

Maddy!

You don't look anything
like Basquiat, by the way.

[ Door closes ]

[ Electronic music playing ]

l'm holding it straight.

Listen to me, seriously.
Okay, so --

-Make sure l'm in it.
-Class of 2008.

Remember this for the rest
of our lives, seriously.

-Yeah, yeah, no, no.
-Are you ready? Are you serious?

-Get in, seriously.
-Okay.

-Here we go.
-Smile.

There it is.

[ Music continues ]

Got to know what type of person
you're dealing with

Got to know if he's a hippie
or he's a pawn

-What are you doing?
-What are you doing?

-Where are you going?
-l'm going home.

l told you -- l'm tired.

l was just talking.

And l'm just tired, Andy!

Bela?

Andy.

Go, Rays, asshole.
Go, Rays.

What happened to you?

What do you mean?

Why --?
Why do you have -- ? What --?

Why are you a pirate right now?

lt happened.

Yeah, what --?
What are you guys?

What is th--? What is this?

l'm just excited to see you right now,
that's all.

What?

Yeah?

l'm just getting in the way
of your good time tonight.

Yeah, you are.

Whoo!

[ Laughter ]

-Reinforcements, Jon.
-Thank you.

-l got you.
-Thank you.

Don't worry about it.

Come on.

Can l ask you a question?

You can ask me anything you want.

But you can't get offended.

Why would l get offended?
l would never get offended.

Are you gay?

[ Chuckles ]

No. What?

Secrets, secrets don't build houses,
okay?

Hey.

Hey, Jon, introduce us
to your friends, man.

We're just going to go
and get some refills.

Wait, wait, you can get
your fill right here.

What, man?

What did she say, man?

Nothing.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, where'd the girls go?

Come on, freckle dick.
Come on.

Whoo!

[ lmitating Astro ]
Which way did he go, George?

l'm going left. l'm going.

Ohh!

Suck my balls, princess.

[ Laughs ]

[ Humming conga tune ]

lt's all right, man, let's go.

[ Laughs ]

Come on, Andy.
Give me the ball, sucker.

Ohh!

Oh, shit!

Come on, colon cowboy.
Come on.

[ Laughs ]

Ah!

Get that crap out of here.

Did you see that?

Did you see that?

Aah!

What the hell?
Are you serious right now?!

Fuck!

Ugh!

Get off!

Hey, hey, hey, it's all right.
lt's all right.

-You okay?
-lt's all right.

What happened?

[ Breathing heavily ]

You okay? You sure?
Hey, you sure?

[ Siren wailing on TV ]

MAN ON TV: The money.
Where is the money?

Bela's not calling me back.

MAN ON TV:
Go!

l'm thinking of calling that girl
from the party.

Yeah.

So. . .

[ Sighs ]

Night, Jon.

[ lndistinct conversations ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

l know what's going on.

What?

l-l can't be sure
if it's you or not, but. . .

. . .the ass copies.

What?

The ass copies --
copying your ass.

Someone's been doing it,
and you're always by the machine.

Rand, l --

Look, l'm not necessarily
accusing you.

l'm just saying that the machine

will break down
with all that weight on it.

l-l really have no idea what you --

[ Laughs ]

l was going to say, man.

-l was like --
-No, but -- but, seriously. . .

[ Clears throat ]

l took a call from the New York office
this morning,

and apparently they didn't get
the package l asked you to send.

But l-l confirmed this morning
that the package was --

l confirmed this morning
that it was confirmed.

l -- Excuse me.

l confirmed that it was delivered
at 9:00 a.m. this morning.

Yeah, they received it,

but it's not the package
that l asked you to send, okay?

Half the presentation materials
were missing,

not to mention the cover letter.

[ Knocking on door ]

Yeah?

Uh, Rand?

-Um, line 1 .
-Okay.

[ Exhales ]

Look, l get it.
Mistakes happen, okay?

l see my barbwire tattoo
in the mirror every morning.

People are talking, okay?
You're falling off, buddy.

l'm just saying, stay on target.

Be that confident, big-blue-eyed
Jon that l hired, all right?

All right?

Okay.

All right. Thanks.

This is Rand.

Yeah.

Bo x us in our bedroom

With no way to get out

lt forces us to idolize

Only what we're dreaming about

-Street name?
-Yeah.

Tatum.

Your porn name's Lacey Tatum?

[ Laughs ]

Yeah.

lt's hot, right?

Sounds good.

[ Laughs ]

Where you off to?

Nowhere.

What's up, man?

Don't cheat, you fagamuffin.

l'm not fucking cheating.
Don't suck.

Don't cheat, fagamuffin.

Matt, shut up.

-What's your problem?
-Nothing, man, just shut up for once.

A time we didn't bargain for

[ Knocking on door ]

Partially foresaw the future

They took us down by the cars

l don't want you calling
when you're drunk.

[ Chuckles ]

l'm not drunk.

Drop down from above
when we all get dirty

They'll take away our bodies

Then they'll take away our sight

This machine
wasn't built by people

But it'll run off all our strife

We give it power

We give it power

We're the only one

[ Breathing heavily ]

You look bored.

Are you done?

What if we went on a date?

What?

What if we went out on a date?

[ Chuckles ]

No, l'm serious.

l love this -- you coming over.

l'd just like to take you out.

l don't think so.

Why?

Because -- Because l don't --
l don't think so. l don't know.

We can have dinner, talk,
just have a nice conversation.

l can't go on a date with you.

Why not?

Because -- Because there's
a lot of reasons why not.

Tell me one.

You're twice my age.

What does age have
anything to do with it?

lf l was going to --

lf l was going to go on date
with someone like you, l would --

What do you mean,
someone like me?

What are you afraid of?

[ Laughs ]

Okay, l have to go.

Of course you do.

You don't want to raise
any suspicions.

You don't want any
of your friends wondering

what you might be doing,
finding out their friend is a fag.

Fuck you, Paul.

[ Gasps ]

[ Moaning ]

[ Retching ]

[ Sobs ]

[ lndistinct talking ]

[ Footsteps approaching ]

[ Urinating ]

[ Toilet flushes ]

[ Exhales heavily ]

lt's good to see you.

Yeah, l'm glad you called.

Do you remember that time,
like, the first week freshman year,

we got busted getting high
in your dorm room?

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

Remember that little bitch R.A.,

that little, like, mini troll,
fucking -- l don't know her name.

What --? Do you remember?

-Vanessa, l think.
-Vanessa, was it?

She had a big crush on you.

She did have a crush on me.

Knocking on the door.
''l smell something funny in here.''

So, l'm going to quit my job
this week.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

What are you going to do?

l don't know.
Join the circus.

How's Anna?

l'm over it.

Over what?

The whole relationship thing.
You know?

You want to spark it?

No, l'm good, thanks.

Man up, dude.
There's no cops around here.

l slept with a guy.

You did what?

My boss.

When?

Last week.

So. . . Were you. . .?

Was l what?

Were you giving or taking?

-Don't ask that.
-Come on, it's legit.

-No, it's not.
-Oh, come on.

You know what? Fine.

[ Exhales ]

Top or bottom?

Come on, just tell me, please.

-Shut up.
-You were a bottom, right?

-Shut up.
-You were a bottom.

You were the cutest little bottom!
l can picture it!

Stop!

[ Exhales ]

Well, did you like it?

l don't know.

You don't know?

A little.

l liked the attention, l guess.

So, you think you're gay?

l like girls.
l s-slept with a girl last week.

What girl?

-Some girl.
-Ugh.

-That's so fucking typical.
-What?

You go out, you sleep with this girl

so you can get this guy
out of your head.

[ Exhales ]

-No, l didn't.
-Yes, you did.

-No, l didn't.
-Yes, you did.

Why is it so hard for you to admit
that, like, you might be gay?

Because l'm not gay.
'Cause l don't even have the --

l don't have the urge to fall in love
with a man or --

l don't even have
the urge to kiss a man.

What, you just want to fuck him?

Like, okay, l say you go around
for, like, a week

and tell people that you're gay
and just see what happens.

That's ridiculous.

Why not?

Are you going to do it again?

[ Chuckles ]

You totally loved it.
Oh, my God.

Maybe l am gay.

Please don't say that
like it's a disease.

l just. . .

There's days when l know
that l'm straight. l know it.

And then --
And then there's days when. . .

Maybe what you can get
from a woman, like, emotionally,

you just can't get from a guy.

[ Chuckles ]

You're fucking stoned.

Yeah, well, l am stoned 'cause
l'm smoking this joint by myself.

Well, if you need anything. . .

[ Car door opens ]

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Laughter ]

WOMAN:
Stop it.

WOMAN:
No, get off of me. Please.

Why, which one do you prefer?
Like, just tell me.

-No.
-Just tell me.

-Hey.
-AARON: That's all --

Hey.

Um, Michelle,
this is my neighbor, Maddy.

Maddy, Michelle.

Oh, Basquiat girl!

ln the flesh.

[ Chuckles ]

Um, what are you doing out here?

l was waiting for you, obviously.

The chicken is burned,
and dinner is ruined.

[ Chuckles ]

-l'm just kidding.
-l know.

Uh, have a good night.

Nice to meet you, Missy.

Yeah, it's Maddy.

[ Laughs ]

-l can't believe you would say that!
-AARON: Why? lt's like. . .

You're not listening to me, David.

What l'm trying to say is that
the client ask for something,

and we gave him what he wanted.

We delivered.

Paul, the ad looks like shit.

lt sends the wrong message
to buyers.

We're going to end up losing
both clients.

Jon, come here for a second.

You're going to ask him?

lf he likes it.

You're banking
a half-million-dollar deal

for a gay-targeted ad
on a fucking straight kid.

Jon, does this make you want
to buy jeans?

Um. . .no, not really.

DAVlD:
Thank you.

You're right.

What was l thinking asking him?

[ Knocking on door ]

Maddy. Hey.

Hi.

What's up?
Are you okay?

Mm.

Do you have a condom?

[ Chuckles ]

l'm a lesbian.

[ Chuckle ]

What is it?

Um. . . .

Um. . .

[ Sobs ]

l'm sorry.

lt was a fantasy, you know?

l'm sorry.

l really did think about it
a lot. . .like, a lot, a lot, a lot,

like all the fucking time.

Okay.

l know.

All right.

You got a couch.

l got a couch.

lt's an ugly couch.

See, this one really represents,
you know, a rebirth, of sorts.

And yet there's so much depth in it.

Yes.

Let me get back to you.

l saw you out there
on your cell phone.

Aah!

[ Gasping ]

[ Coughs ]

l want out.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

[ lndistinct conversation ]

We were just talking
about being gay this whole time.

Do you mean, ''ls the party gay?''
like it's lame

or gay like it's homosexual?

No, l meant as in homosexual.
Yeah.

Yeah, like if there was a really
sexy girl, and she was like,

''l want to barf on you
while l'm masturbating,''

l'd be like, ''Really? Okay.''
Like, ''That turns you on? Okay.''

Like, l'll --
l'll -- l've never done that.

[ Laughter ]

You have dated a lot of gay guys?

So, a guy being gay wouldn't --
wouldn't stop you?

There would always come a point,
and l'd be like, ''Are you gay?''

And they'd say, ''No.''
l'd take their word.

But don't look inside my chest

Oh, l know we've
talked, exchanged our secrets

[ Cell phone buzzing ]

There are some memories meant
for the wastepaper basket

You're not going to answer that?

Uh, no, it's -- it's okay.

So, how do you know Maddy?

Uh, school.
We went to school together.

ls this guy bothering you?

We're just talking.

Fine.

Oh la la.

Oh.

-Hey.
-Hey.

How you doing, man?

What the hell
are you doing out here?

Nothing.

Are you just mad because
all the girls in there are lesbos?

[ Chuckles ]

lt's okay, 'cause all the boys
are lesbos, too.

So you're in luck.

-Congratulations, by the way.
-Thank you.

Ooh!

[ Giggles ]

How's the job coming, hmm?

Uh, it's fine.

Good as it can be
when you're fucking your boss?

[ lmitates moaning ]

No, wait, it was
more like this, right?

[ lmitates moaning, laughs ]

l'm sorry. That's inappropriate.
Let's go dance.

l'm not much of a dancer.

l know, but just come
and dance anyway.

[ Laughs ]

l really -- l'm not a good dancer.

l know you're a terrible dancer,
but please!

l just quit my job, and l want you
to dance with me, please!

All right, that's all l want.
Okay, let's do it. One dance.

One dance turns into two dances,
turns into 7 5 dances.

-Just let me get my shoes.
-Fuck your shoes!

So, how do you know Maddy?

Sh-- she went down on me
in Barcelona.

No, l just work next to her
at the gallery.

Oh, l see.

What do you --?

[ Clears throat ]

What do you do?

What do l do,
or what do l want to do?

Uh, both, l guess.

l want to write novels.

Do you --? Are you working
on something now or. . .?

[ Exhales ]

''God's Pussy Smells Like Flowers.''

lt's the title --
''God's Pussy Smells Like Flowers.''

Oh, okay, yeah, it's a --
That's a good title.

But during the day, l -- l, uh --

l work as a freelance web producer
for advertising agencies.

l work in advertising, actually.

-Really? What agency?
-Uh, Tabula Advertising.

-Yeah, l know Tabula.
-Really?

Does, uh --? Does Paul Mendez
still work there?

[ Chuckles ]

You know Paul?

Yeah, he took me out to lunch once
at a place on Vine --

-Debussy's or --
-Debussy's?

Yeah.

Small world.

[ Door opens ]

PAUL: Do you find it hard
to find clothes that fit you properly?

Yeah, well, you know,
it's not like l'm huge,

but sometimes they're little loose
in the -- in the midrange.

Because this looks --
this looks pretty good.

-You think so?
-lt fits nice.

Well, thank you.
That's very nice of you to say.

l appreciate it, man.

Not so bad.
l like -- l like this.

[ Laughing ]

What's up, dude?

[ Exhales ]

What's up?

[ Laughs ]

l slept with a guy.

What?

l slept with a guy.

Uh. . . .

When?

Two weeks ago.

Wow.

Why?

l don't know why.

Th-that's, uh, surprising.

l know.

Um, are you gay?

No, l -- l don't know.

Did you enjoy it?

What?

l just can't picture you doing it.

Don't picture me doing it.

[ Chuckles ]

You're taking this
better than l thought.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, l knew something
was going on.

Hi.

MADD Y:
Go back.

ANNA:
l can't go back any further.

MADD Y:
Just move back a little bit, please.

-That'd give me a better angle.
-No --

Just move --
Just move to the right.

No, here, look.
Put it down right here.

Yeah, that's a great place
for a fucking table.

l'm going to go back for the rest.

Yeah, no more patio furniture,
please, huh?

Just little stuff.

Look at all this shit.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clears throat ]

[ Exhales ]

Smoke me, Jon.

[ Coughs ]

This is good stuff.

[ Chuckles ]

l know.

So, how's your new job?

Mm.

[ Exhales ]

Gallery --

lt was bloodsucking,
l guess, same shit.

l'm thinking of, uh,
going back to school.

That's dumb.
Why? For what?

Eh.

Well, um, you make
any other decisions recently?

[ Footsteps approaching ]

ls that it?

Everything.

MADD Y:
Yay!

[ Chuckles ]

What?

How can you be stoned?
l was gone for, like, two minutes.

-l'm not stoned.
-Yeah, you are.

l am not stoned!

God!

-You're stoned!
-Ugh, get off my back, woman!

You're a little stoner!

[ Laughter ]

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Laughter ]

l like that one.

l could screw that one
in the shower.

Ooh.

Oh!

That is awesome.

[ Laughs ]

l just said ''no joke.''

Yeah.

l'll laugh, like,
in a few hours from now.

-Awesome.
-That is awesome.

l bet you did.

Did you actually?

-Crazy eyes sells it.
-With her lazy eye.

Yeah, like you should start
being a stand-up comedian.

l do.

-l feel like you would be good.
-l-l-l second that.

Craze that sweeps the nation
is consimile

My new parents, my brothers
and sisters are within 10 feet of me

And modern education
gave me a new family

All conveniently
within the ages of 18 and 23

And so pick your friends

Don't let a place
pick all your friends

And pick your friends

Don't let a place
pick all your friends

And don't let a place
pick on your friends

The city screams:

''Here's your street name
Yeah, you better settle down''

Your neighbor yells
about the condos

You wish he'd
just shut his mouth

The boss said, ''This kid's lazy,
and l just don't want him around''

The cop swears
you'll go nowhere

Just take
your copied junk downtown

And so pick your friends

Don't let a place
pick all your friends

And pick your friends

Don't let a place
pick all your friends

And don't let a place
pick on your friends