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1
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[Footsteps echoing]
2
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[man] I don't know who I am.
3
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Not just a story of who I am,
but who I really am.
4
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[Inhales]
5
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[exhales]
6
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The real... me.
7
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[Chair dragging]
8
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[breathes deeply]
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I've been silent for 20 years.
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Twenty years!
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Of hiding.
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I should have stood by him,
I should have helped him.
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We should have done everything together,
as twins.
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We're identical twins. Bonded.
15
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And this thing was so strong
that it broke us off.
16
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It broke us apart.
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[Breathes deeply]
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[man 2] The secrets I need answers to
are in Marcus's head.
19
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But they're deep in his head.
20
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So it would almost seem
21
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reckless
22
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in terms of whatever we're gonna find
when we open the box.
23
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It's Pandora's box.
You either open it or you don't.
24
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But... [exhales]
25
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will it help me? It's a chance.
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It's a chance I'm prepared to take.
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[Engines revving]
28
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- [glass shatters]
- [tire squealing]
29
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[loud bang, motorcycle screeches]
30
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[music fades out]
31
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[hospital machine high pitched ringing]
32
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[heart rate whooshing]
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[man 2] I-- I woke up.
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I remember opening my eyes
35
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and looking around the room,
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trying to take in where I am.
37
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[Slurping]
38
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I then turned my attention
to my twin brother,
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who I instantly recognized.
40
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[Marcus's muffled voice] Alex, it's me!
41
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[Alex] He was sitting on the bed
next to me...
42
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[Marcus] It's okay.
43
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,500
[Alex] ...and I just said,
44
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"Hello, Marcus."
45
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I guess the major thing about being a twin
is that you're never alone.
46
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And it's a massive thing to have.
47
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So whatever happens to you in your life,
48
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you've always got your other half there.
49
00:03:06,666 --> 00:03:07,750
[Alex] Even though
50
00:03:07,833 --> 00:03:10,541
I wasn't sure
of what was going on around me,
51
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I knew 100 % that he was my brother
and I could trust him.
52
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I then turned my attention to a lady
53
00:03:22,541 --> 00:03:24,625
much closer to the bed
than everybody else...
54
00:03:26,958 --> 00:03:29,875
and she was getting quite hysterical
55
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at the fact that I had woken up.
56
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"Hello, hello, Ali, you're awake.
You're awake. How are you?
57
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It's me, it's me."
58
00:03:37,875 --> 00:03:40,416
And I'm thinking,
"I don't know how I am.
59
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And I don't know who you are."
60
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"You remember me. You remember me.
Don't you remember me?
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You must remember me,
you must remember me!"
62
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- And kept repeating and repeating this.
- [High pitched ringing]
63
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I said to Marcus, "Who is she?"
64
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And he just said...
65
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"She is our mother."
66
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:01,500
And Marcus said to me,
67
00:04:01,583 --> 00:04:04,125
"Do you really not know
that that is our mother?"
68
00:04:05,500 --> 00:04:06,583
And I said, "No."
69
00:04:08,541 --> 00:04:11,541
And then he said to me,
"Well, do you know who you are?
70
00:04:13,416 --> 00:04:14,541
And what's your name?"
71
00:04:18,041 --> 00:04:21,083
And it started to dawn on me
that I really didn't know anything.
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- [Blades whirring]
- I didn't know where I was.
73
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Where do I live.
74
00:04:27,208 --> 00:04:28,916
I didn't know what happened to me.
75
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I didn't even know my own name.
76
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[Heart rate beep speeding up]
77
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Everything had gone.
78
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[High pitched ringing]
79
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[ringing fades out]
80
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[eerie music playing]
81
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[Marcus] Imagine a black empty space.
82
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You've lost everything in your life...
83
00:04:55,125 --> 00:04:57,458
and you start from a blank canvas.
84
00:04:59,958 --> 00:05:01,625
Imagine how scary that would be.
85
00:05:06,916 --> 00:05:11,666
The doctor explained that he had
been wearing a helmet that had come off
86
00:05:12,041 --> 00:05:14,125
and, therefore, when he hit the ground,
87
00:05:14,583 --> 00:05:16,875
he hit the ground with his head
and not with his helmet.
88
00:05:18,416 --> 00:05:20,791
And that had induced him
to go into a coma.
89
00:05:21,833 --> 00:05:23,541
And they weren't sure
90
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,666
what kind of brain damage
that would leave him with.
91
00:05:27,458 --> 00:05:29,458
[Car engine running]
92
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:36,125
[Alex] My mother came to pick me up.
93
00:05:37,708 --> 00:05:41,125
She said, probably three or four times
before we even got in the car,
94
00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:46,208
"You do remember who I am, don't you?"
And I'm like, "No, I don't."
95
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[Soft piano music playing]
96
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,875
I said, "Where are we going?"
She said, "We're going home.
97
00:05:52,958 --> 00:05:54,916
I'm taking you home, back to our home."
98
00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:01,541
So I'm sitting in a car
with a total stranger,
99
00:06:01,666 --> 00:06:04,208
driving somewhere.
I've no idea where I'm going.
100
00:06:04,291 --> 00:06:05,291
[Inhales]
101
00:06:05,375 --> 00:06:09,000
I'm being told, "This is your house.
This is where you live."
102
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,500
[Tires moving over gravel]
103
00:06:16,916 --> 00:06:20,666
It's got a gravel drive.
It's quite a large gravel drive.
104
00:06:22,333 --> 00:06:23,875
It's quite a big house,
105
00:06:24,541 --> 00:06:27,166
which looked quite daunting to me.
106
00:06:30,833 --> 00:06:33,833
[Marcus] He was in a haze.
He didn't know where he was.
107
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He didn't know anything.
108
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Even though he was 18,
109
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he had the mental age
of a... [inhales] nine-year-old.
110
00:06:45,791 --> 00:06:49,791
I remember walking through the kitchen
and explaining, "This is the kitchen,"
111
00:06:49,875 --> 00:06:52,666
and then the bathroom
and then taking him into the...
112
00:06:53,250 --> 00:06:54,333
into his bedroom.
113
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"This is your bed on the left,
and my bed's on the right."
114
00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:06,125
[Alex] I'm just being told
115
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that "This is your house.
116
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This is your mother."
117
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I don't know that.
118
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My head was just blank.
119
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I mean, for everybody else,
120
00:07:29,708 --> 00:07:32,291
they're going to remember
being on holidays,
121
00:07:32,416 --> 00:07:35,000
they're going to remember
falling off their bike for the first time,
122
00:07:35,083 --> 00:07:37,166
their first kiss,
the first time they were in love.
123
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:41,583
Those are the things
that really make up who you are.
124
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And you actually need those memories.
125
00:07:47,375 --> 00:07:50,458
I'm coming at this with nothing.
126
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- [Loud bang]
- [silverware rattling]
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[dog moans]
128
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[Alex] It was quite apparent...
129
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[chewing]
130
00:08:03,458 --> 00:08:07,333
...that my parents didn't know
how to deal with me.
131
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[Exhales]
132
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My father, I didn't-- He was so distant.
133
00:08:15,416 --> 00:08:17,041
He didn't hug me or anything like that.
134
00:08:17,125 --> 00:08:20,416
He just shook my hand
and said he was my father.
135
00:08:22,583 --> 00:08:23,750
He never came to the hospital.
136
00:08:25,208 --> 00:08:26,041
No.
137
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He never-- He never came.
138
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My mother didn't want to believe
139
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I had lost my memory.
140
00:08:40,125 --> 00:08:43,458
It was... just, for her, unthinkable.
141
00:08:44,666 --> 00:08:48,291
For a son not to know
who their mother was.
142
00:08:50,541 --> 00:08:51,958
And she didn't want to believe it.
143
00:08:53,583 --> 00:08:54,625
[Marcus] Can you imagine,
144
00:08:55,333 --> 00:08:59,208
your son wakes up
and he's no idea who you are.
145
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[Deep breath]
146
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Any mother would be deeply distressed.
147
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It really hurt her a lot.
148
00:09:10,875 --> 00:09:15,916
[Alex] So I'm totally on my own,
in that house with no support
149
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,333
apart from my brother.
150
00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:21,541
He gets it. He understands.
151
00:09:21,625 --> 00:09:23,458
I don't have to explain anything to him.
152
00:09:23,875 --> 00:09:27,458
He doesn't make it difficult for me.
He gives me everything I need.
153
00:09:28,041 --> 00:09:31,208
If he hadn't known who I was,
and he hadn't known his twin,
154
00:09:31,666 --> 00:09:35,250
then he would have been all alone
in the world for the rest of his life.
155
00:09:36,458 --> 00:09:38,375
But he wasn't alone in the world.
He had me.
156
00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:40,875
- [Lively piano music playing]
- [door hinge squeaks]
157
00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:43,791
[Alex] There was so much to learn.
158
00:09:43,875 --> 00:09:47,625
So very quickly he gave me
the basic information,
159
00:09:47,708 --> 00:09:52,666
the everyday, "This is kitchen.
This is TV. This is a table."
160
00:09:53,583 --> 00:09:56,041
[Marcus] I had to show him
where all his clothes are,
161
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how to put his shoes on,
tie his shoelaces up, make toast.
162
00:10:00,708 --> 00:10:02,500
He just kept giving me stuff.
163
00:10:03,833 --> 00:10:05,875
And I just went along with everything.
164
00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:07,375
[Water running from faucet]
165
00:10:08,125 --> 00:10:09,791
When he said he didn't know something,
166
00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:11,875
I just told him what it was.
167
00:10:13,125 --> 00:10:15,541
Then starting to get
into more difficult things
168
00:10:15,625 --> 00:10:17,375
like, "Wow, what is that thing?"
169
00:10:19,875 --> 00:10:22,083
The first few minutes was a bit strange,
170
00:10:22,958 --> 00:10:25,041
and then I realized
I could actually do that.
171
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,166
That I could ride a bike.
172
00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:30,875
That was something that he was actually
quite good at, I seem to remember.
173
00:10:31,541 --> 00:10:33,708
But he didn't know
where he was going, of course.
174
00:10:33,791 --> 00:10:36,583
So we would go out of the house
and then everything was a blank.
175
00:10:36,666 --> 00:10:38,083
- [Grunts]
- [clatter and bang]
176
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[laughs]
177
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,416
[Alex] The world seemed very scary.
178
00:10:55,083 --> 00:10:56,458
But with him...
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00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,750
everything was a little bit easier.
180
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,583
[Music from TV]
181
00:11:01,666 --> 00:11:04,041
[cartoon from TV] Ladies and gentlemen!
182
00:11:04,166 --> 00:11:06,250
[Alex] TV was an eye-opener for me.
183
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:10,208
All the shows were new,
even down to Tom and Jerry.
184
00:11:10,291 --> 00:11:13,500
[Tom and Jerry theme playing on TV]
185
00:11:14,291 --> 00:11:17,250
In one way, I'm trying to learn
as much information as possible.
186
00:11:17,666 --> 00:11:22,041
And in the second way,
I'm trying to work my family out
187
00:11:22,375 --> 00:11:24,291
and the dynamics that are going on.
188
00:11:26,125 --> 00:11:30,291
And there'd be like a perfect Sunday lunch
with everybody sitting around the table
189
00:11:30,458 --> 00:11:33,000
for Oxo Cube, and it looked nice.
190
00:11:33,625 --> 00:11:35,375
And I just imagined
191
00:11:35,458 --> 00:11:38,416
that must just be how all families are
'cause I saw it on the telly.
192
00:11:38,958 --> 00:11:40,458
[Laughs]
193
00:11:41,916 --> 00:11:43,916
[uplifting instrumental music playing]
194
00:11:45,875 --> 00:11:49,208
I soon realized that Mommy
was at the center of my new world.
195
00:11:51,125 --> 00:11:53,166
She was quite a tall woman.
196
00:11:53,250 --> 00:11:54,500
She was over six foot,
197
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:57,541
and she had quite large hands
and very large feet.
198
00:11:58,125 --> 00:11:59,375
Overly large feet.
199
00:12:00,791 --> 00:12:02,041
She was great fun.
200
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,750
She'd just sort of dance
around the kitchen.
201
00:12:04,833 --> 00:12:07,083
She would come in a room and say,
"And here we all are.
202
00:12:07,166 --> 00:12:09,500
I'm here, everybody, I'm here."
203
00:12:10,125 --> 00:12:12,375
She'd be, [impersonates Mom]
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
204
00:12:12,458 --> 00:12:13,625
She'd be laughing like that.
205
00:12:14,541 --> 00:12:16,583
Louder than loud, really.
206
00:12:16,916 --> 00:12:18,041
[Dog moans]
207
00:12:18,750 --> 00:12:21,041
[Alex] Mom inherited
a bunch of Chihuahuas.
208
00:12:22,291 --> 00:12:23,916
And she used to dress them up.
209
00:12:24,583 --> 00:12:27,000
They'd have their own clothes,
little hats,
210
00:12:27,291 --> 00:12:30,208
little coats,
and, um... that was her world.
211
00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:33,625
Before the accident,
we both hated these dogs.
212
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,916
- We used to call them rats on legs.
- [Dog moaning]
213
00:12:36,166 --> 00:12:39,333
But Alex, when he came home,
he rather liked the Chihuahuas.
214
00:12:39,416 --> 00:12:40,458
I quite liked them,
215
00:12:40,541 --> 00:12:43,041
'cause I thought they were quite sweet,
I'd never seen one before,
216
00:12:43,250 --> 00:12:45,875
whereas nobody else
had any interest in the dogs at all.
217
00:12:45,958 --> 00:12:46,958
[Laughs]
218
00:12:47,041 --> 00:12:49,250
I still can't stand them.
Horrible little things.
219
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:50,791
[Laughs]
220
00:12:50,875 --> 00:12:52,458
[music fades out]
221
00:12:55,458 --> 00:13:00,500
So I've grown up incredibly quickly
in the space of a month,
222
00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:04,916
from probably a six-year-old
to sort of a... to a early teenager,
223
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,958
sort of 14, 15 already, in such speed
224
00:13:08,541 --> 00:13:11,000
that now I need to move to another level.
225
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:17,291
And that's when I start asking Marcus
more personal questions.
226
00:13:18,208 --> 00:13:20,041
Who, who am I really?
227
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,333
[Clicks]
228
00:13:23,875 --> 00:13:26,916
So I started to ask Marcus
about our childhood.
229
00:13:27,833 --> 00:13:31,291
He would say, you know,
"What family holidays did we go on?"
230
00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:32,333
[Clicks]
231
00:13:32,416 --> 00:13:34,541
And I'd say, "Oh, you know,
we would go to France
232
00:13:34,625 --> 00:13:36,083
- on a beach holiday."
- [Clicks]
233
00:13:36,291 --> 00:13:38,666
"Oh, right, was that nice?"
"Oh, yeah, it was great, you know.
234
00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:40,750
We used to go to the beach,
we'd have an ice cream.
235
00:13:40,916 --> 00:13:43,416
You always liked to have a chocolate flake
in your ice cream."
236
00:13:44,166 --> 00:13:45,541
"Oh, right, that's nice."
237
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:46,458
[Clicks]
238
00:13:46,541 --> 00:13:48,541
[soft piano music playing]
239
00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:53,083
[Alex] Marcus showed me a photograph
of the two of us on holiday,
240
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,541
and it looked nice. And we were, you know,
241
00:13:56,083 --> 00:13:59,125
typical boys building
sand castles on a beach.
242
00:13:59,708 --> 00:14:03,083
So I just presumed
that's what we did every year.
243
00:14:05,083 --> 00:14:06,583
He showed me photographs.
244
00:14:08,791 --> 00:14:10,541
And I joined the dots.
245
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,125
[Waves crashing on the beach]
246
00:14:17,916 --> 00:14:19,333
[Alex] He would give me a photo...
247
00:14:20,708 --> 00:14:23,375
and I would construct a memory around that
248
00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:26,916
of two happy boys on a beach.
249
00:14:29,458 --> 00:14:31,041
[Marcus] What I was doing was actually
250
00:14:32,333 --> 00:14:35,500
reimplanting his memory
and giving him... [inhales]
251
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:36,666
his childhood back
252
00:14:36,791 --> 00:14:41,416
and answering questions from
the very beginning of when he was a baby
253
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:42,791
up to 18.
254
00:14:43,875 --> 00:14:47,166
[Alex] When you've got no memory,
and you get little bits of information,
255
00:14:47,791 --> 00:14:50,750
then just some information
about a single holiday
256
00:14:50,875 --> 00:14:54,375
meant an enormous amount to me
'cause that's all I had.
257
00:14:55,833 --> 00:14:58,208
So these tiny little fragments
258
00:14:58,291 --> 00:15:00,500
became the building blocks
for my new sense of self.
259
00:15:02,125 --> 00:15:05,166
- And life seemed good.
- [Kids talking and shouting]
260
00:15:05,333 --> 00:15:08,958
The life that Marcus showed me
that I had and painted for me
261
00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:13,500
was that we were a fairly
privileged family in the home counties
262
00:15:14,291 --> 00:15:16,041
with perfectly normal parents.
263
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,000
You know, dinner parties around the house
and everything looked good.
264
00:15:23,416 --> 00:15:25,083
He painted an idyllic picture.
265
00:15:26,958 --> 00:15:28,958
[Kids shrieking]
266
00:15:31,458 --> 00:15:33,458
[music fades out]
267
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,833
[clock ticking]
268
00:15:39,166 --> 00:15:42,916
[Marcus] Learning the rules of the house
was more complicated.
269
00:15:45,083 --> 00:15:47,416
We weren't allowed to go upstairs.
270
00:15:47,750 --> 00:15:49,333
We didn't eat with our parents.
271
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,583
We weren't allowed a front door key.
272
00:15:51,666 --> 00:15:53,458
And, from the age of...
273
00:15:54,708 --> 00:15:57,500
[huffs] I think... 14,
274
00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:01,000
we lived out in the shed in the garden.
275
00:16:01,125 --> 00:16:02,000
[Inhales]
276
00:16:02,416 --> 00:16:04,875
In a funny sort of way
we quite liked living in the shed
277
00:16:05,125 --> 00:16:07,166
because it was our domain.
278
00:16:08,375 --> 00:16:10,333
Yeah, it was-- it was, um...
279
00:16:11,416 --> 00:16:13,541
it was a confusing house for me.
280
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,833
[Clock striking the hour]
281
00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:24,333
There was just ornaments everywhere.
282
00:16:25,083 --> 00:16:27,625
Every cupboard was full,
every outhouse was full,
283
00:16:27,708 --> 00:16:30,041
every loft was full,
every garage was full.
284
00:16:31,166 --> 00:16:33,875
And there were sections of the house
that you weren't allowed to be in,
285
00:16:34,041 --> 00:16:36,208
and you didn't enter without permission.
286
00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,583
Especially my father's side.
287
00:16:38,666 --> 00:16:40,250
[Ominous instrumental music playing]
288
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,916
You wouldn't enter his study
unless you were summoned.
289
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,000
[Clock ticking]
290
00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:49,375
He was quite a scary guy,
and he had a hell of a temper on him.
291
00:16:49,916 --> 00:16:54,000
He would shout very loudly, and bang!
He would just thump the table
292
00:16:54,083 --> 00:16:56,916
on the dining room... I remember
particularly on the dining room table.
293
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,416
There was a really long,
huge dining room table, you know,
294
00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,000
in the center of the house,
and he would whack that.
295
00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:08,000
And then he would just dismiss you.
296
00:17:11,041 --> 00:17:12,750
Marcus just instructed me,
297
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,666
"Don't get involved.
Just let him do his thing.
298
00:17:16,541 --> 00:17:20,166
And be polite.
Always be polite and call him sir."
299
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:25,250
[Marcus] I do remember him kept asking me
why did we have to do that.
300
00:17:25,916 --> 00:17:27,333
And I just said, "Because that's...
301
00:17:27,416 --> 00:17:29,666
[inhales]
That's what you do in a family."
302
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000
[Lively music playing]
303
00:17:33,416 --> 00:17:36,000
[Alex] My brother, at some point,
informed me that our parents
304
00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:38,625
came from an aristocratic background.
305
00:17:38,708 --> 00:17:40,166
- [Indistinct chatter]
- [loud chewing]
306
00:17:40,250 --> 00:17:42,250
- [cork popping]
- [cheering]
307
00:17:43,666 --> 00:17:47,041
It was perfectly normal
for our house to be filled with
308
00:17:47,125 --> 00:17:49,708
- sirs, duchesses, lords, ladies.
- [Woman cheers and laughs]
309
00:17:50,791 --> 00:17:53,791
And that's how we lived.
310
00:17:53,875 --> 00:17:55,875
[Crowd cheering and laughing]
311
00:17:56,041 --> 00:17:58,041
I never thought, "This is odd,"
312
00:17:58,875 --> 00:18:00,916
'cause everything was normal for me.
313
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,416
[Party crowd singing]
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
314
00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:08,750
It was perfectly normal
to have parents like we did.
315
00:18:09,083 --> 00:18:12,083
It was perfectly normal to live in a shed.
316
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:15,000
So I was never questioning anything.
317
00:18:15,083 --> 00:18:17,291
Because what is normal, really?
318
00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:21,708
Normal is what you know.
And normal is what your family is.
319
00:18:21,791 --> 00:18:24,000
[People singing and whooping]
320
00:18:28,458 --> 00:18:30,458
[tires moving over gravel]
321
00:18:47,916 --> 00:18:49,041
[Alex] I had my story.
322
00:18:50,708 --> 00:18:52,541
I grabbed that from my brother.
323
00:18:54,791 --> 00:18:56,208
And I took it as my own,
324
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:58,500
and I took that out
into the world with me.
325
00:18:58,583 --> 00:19:00,375
- [Indistinct chatter]
- ["Relax" by Duran Duran playing]
326
00:19:01,625 --> 00:19:03,166
- [woman yells] Party! Yeah!
- [Cheering]
327
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:06,833
[Alex] After a few months, Marcus decided
it was time to meet all my friends.
328
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,291
[Indistinct greetings]
329
00:19:08,375 --> 00:19:10,208
So we go to the pub.
330
00:19:11,958 --> 00:19:14,958
That was another huge step.
331
00:19:15,375 --> 00:19:17,458
♪ Relax, don't do it ♪
332
00:19:17,666 --> 00:19:20,125
♪ When you wanna go to it
Relax... ♪
333
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:21,625
When you're a teenager,
334
00:19:22,208 --> 00:19:24,083
you don't want to be different
to everybody else.
335
00:19:24,458 --> 00:19:26,750
You don't want to stick out,
you just want to be the same.
336
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:30,875
But everybody knows you
and you don't know them. [Inhales]
337
00:19:31,166 --> 00:19:34,916
And that is quite...
quite daunting really.
338
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,125
[Crowd laughing]
339
00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:38,875
I got overwhelmed.
340
00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:47,333
[Music fades out]
341
00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:52,833
People say, "Oh, yeah, it can't be
that bad to lose your memory."
342
00:19:54,083 --> 00:19:54,958
But it is.
343
00:19:55,875 --> 00:19:57,958
I have nothing to latch onto.
344
00:19:58,666 --> 00:20:03,708
I've got no... no anchors
to give me any peace of mind
345
00:20:04,875 --> 00:20:06,583
apart from Marcus.
346
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:12,666
So, me and Marcus together
built up a system
347
00:20:12,791 --> 00:20:15,000
where I could meet people
348
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:17,875
without them ever realizing
that I didn't have a clue who they were.
349
00:20:18,125 --> 00:20:20,125
[Fun instrumental music playing]
350
00:20:20,625 --> 00:20:22,625
[Marcus] We would go
to a friend's house for dinner.
351
00:20:23,375 --> 00:20:27,000
We would stand outside the door
and he'd say, "Right, okay, remind me."
352
00:20:27,083 --> 00:20:29,416
[Stuttering] Give me the names again.
What do they look like?
353
00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:33,416
Just give me the quick little outline,
so a tiny little synopsis of each person.
354
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:37,041
This is Dave, this is John, this is Chris.
And then they'd open the door,
355
00:20:37,125 --> 00:20:39,291
"Oh, hi. Really nice to see you."
356
00:20:39,375 --> 00:20:40,916
And people never knew.
357
00:20:41,500 --> 00:20:44,500
[Marcus] And everybody would think,
"Ah, Alex is fine, look.
358
00:20:44,958 --> 00:20:47,250
He knows everybody here.
He knows what's going on."
359
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:48,583
But none of that was true.
360
00:20:49,250 --> 00:20:51,666
I'd just given him
a ten-minute lesson outside.
361
00:20:52,041 --> 00:20:54,291
But then he said,
"Oh, yes, and you have a girlfriend."
362
00:20:54,708 --> 00:20:56,583
I thought,
"Oh, I've got a girlfriend, have I?"
363
00:20:57,333 --> 00:21:01,208
She, um... she was very nice.
And she didn't really notice
364
00:21:01,458 --> 00:21:05,791
that I had no idea
[laughing] who she was.
365
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:08,750
Our sort of standing joke
366
00:21:08,833 --> 00:21:11,916
is that I lost my virginity
to the same woman twice.
367
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,000
[Laughs]
368
00:21:16,291 --> 00:21:19,125
[Marcus] He became absolutely
fascinated by photographs,
369
00:21:20,166 --> 00:21:25,208
because he became totally paranoid
that he would lose his new memory.
370
00:21:26,458 --> 00:21:29,041
I just took pictures of people having fun.
371
00:21:29,291 --> 00:21:31,250
I took pictures of the parties we went to,
372
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:33,291
the people we met, the places we went.
373
00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:36,416
I wanted to capture every single moment
374
00:21:37,166 --> 00:21:41,291
of every month, of every year
for the rest of my life.
375
00:21:41,375 --> 00:21:42,208
[Music fades out]
376
00:21:46,958 --> 00:21:49,916
[Alex] All of us, we take photos
of happy times
377
00:21:50,708 --> 00:21:53,125
excluding everything else.
378
00:21:55,375 --> 00:21:56,500
We all do that.
379
00:21:57,458 --> 00:22:02,291
We take photos of weddings.
You never take photos at funerals.
380
00:22:02,375 --> 00:22:03,291
[Inhales]
381
00:22:14,625 --> 00:22:16,166
[clock ticking]
382
00:22:16,250 --> 00:22:17,708
[Marcus] Dad was dying,
383
00:22:18,666 --> 00:22:20,750
and he had cancer.
384
00:22:21,416 --> 00:22:22,250
Um...
385
00:22:22,541 --> 00:22:23,375
pancreas.
386
00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:27,208
And I remember he called us
into his study,
387
00:22:27,708 --> 00:22:31,000
and he started to apologize for his
behavior and the things that he'd done.
388
00:22:33,208 --> 00:22:36,166
[Alex] He said would we forgive him
before he died?
389
00:22:37,250 --> 00:22:38,583
So I said, "Yes."
390
00:22:39,208 --> 00:22:40,708
Alex would have said anything.
391
00:22:41,166 --> 00:22:45,125
I mean he was just such a nice boy,
and he had such a nice way about him.
392
00:22:46,541 --> 00:22:49,208
[Alex] And then Marcus stood there
and said,
393
00:22:49,666 --> 00:22:51,833
"No, I will not forgive you."
394
00:22:53,166 --> 00:22:55,291
And turned around
and walked out of the room.
395
00:22:56,791 --> 00:22:59,416
I remember walking
out of the room with him
396
00:22:59,750 --> 00:23:02,250
and I-- I said,
[stutters] "Why did you do that?
397
00:23:02,333 --> 00:23:05,708
Why would you say no to a dying man,
his last wish?
398
00:23:06,083 --> 00:23:08,250
He's about to go.
Give him the forgiveness."
399
00:23:08,416 --> 00:23:10,625
He said, "No, I won't. What for?"
400
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,458
I said, "Because he asked us.
401
00:23:12,833 --> 00:23:16,000
He asked us to forgive him.
Why could you not do that?"
402
00:23:16,416 --> 00:23:19,166
He said, "No". He said,
"It's complicated. I don't want to."
403
00:23:20,750 --> 00:23:22,750
[Heavy rain pattering]
404
00:23:29,916 --> 00:23:32,125
[Alex] And then, a few days later,
he was gone.
405
00:23:36,875 --> 00:23:38,083
Once Dad had died,
406
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,291
I thought things in the house
would change,
407
00:23:41,625 --> 00:23:43,958
because he was the bully,
he made the rules up.
408
00:23:45,166 --> 00:23:47,625
So, when I got into my twenties,
409
00:23:48,625 --> 00:23:52,166
I thought we can have access to our house,
we could have keys to our house,
410
00:23:52,250 --> 00:23:55,791
we can go in and eat food whenever
we want. Turn up whenever we want.
411
00:23:55,916 --> 00:23:58,583
All those rules have gone
out of the window. He's gone now.
412
00:23:58,666 --> 00:24:00,666
[Melancholic music playing]
413
00:24:01,250 --> 00:24:05,125
It was very quickly apparent
that the rules hadn't changed.
414
00:24:05,916 --> 00:24:07,666
They became even more stringent.
415
00:24:12,541 --> 00:24:15,500
Mom still didn't want us to have a key.
416
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:23,333
But I asked Marcus about it,
and he just told me not to worry.
417
00:24:25,291 --> 00:24:26,208
So I didn't.
418
00:24:39,458 --> 00:24:41,000
And I jump five years later,
419
00:24:43,083 --> 00:24:46,375
and there she was, lying at the bottom
of the stairs, unconscious.
420
00:24:48,416 --> 00:24:50,416
[Marcus] She's got a brain tumor
in her head
421
00:24:51,416 --> 00:24:53,291
that was fatal.
422
00:24:58,333 --> 00:25:00,791
[Alex] I found the whole thing
very upsetting.
423
00:25:03,541 --> 00:25:05,291
I did grow to love my mother.
424
00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:11,291
And, you know,
and become very close to her.
425
00:25:17,208 --> 00:25:19,125
She said that she would miss us,
426
00:25:19,708 --> 00:25:23,125
and, um... and that she loved us.
427
00:25:23,250 --> 00:25:24,166
[Inhales]
428
00:25:24,958 --> 00:25:28,708
And it was at that moment...
she slipped away.
429
00:25:31,166 --> 00:25:32,791
I just cried
430
00:25:34,166 --> 00:25:35,750
for quite some time.
431
00:25:38,375 --> 00:25:39,458
But Marcus didn't.
432
00:25:41,875 --> 00:25:43,333
No emotion at all.
433
00:25:45,250 --> 00:25:46,083
[Marcus] I felt...
434
00:25:47,958 --> 00:25:48,833
nothing.
435
00:25:50,625 --> 00:25:54,708
I didn't feel any guilt
for feeling nothing,
436
00:25:54,791 --> 00:25:58,083
I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel...
437
00:25:59,583 --> 00:26:02,000
relieved. I just felt nothing.
438
00:26:08,083 --> 00:26:10,125
[Alex] I know my brother inside out.
439
00:26:10,708 --> 00:26:13,458
We are twins. We know
everything about each other,
440
00:26:14,166 --> 00:26:18,416
yet he has handled this situation
in a completely different way to me.
441
00:26:19,541 --> 00:26:21,791
And it bothered me a lot.
442
00:26:27,833 --> 00:26:32,500
After the funeral,
we went back to Duke's Cottage
443
00:26:33,125 --> 00:26:36,250
and walked back into our house
with our key.
444
00:26:37,166 --> 00:26:42,583
And we started clearing up
this vast house and its outbuildings,
445
00:26:43,166 --> 00:26:45,708
- which were full of stuff.
- [Door opens]
446
00:26:45,791 --> 00:26:47,791
[eerie music playing]
447
00:26:48,625 --> 00:26:52,500
We started with the downstairs,
throwing things away,
448
00:26:53,541 --> 00:26:57,708
and every now and again
you would find a jam jar
449
00:26:57,791 --> 00:26:59,833
full of 50-pound notes.
450
00:27:00,791 --> 00:27:03,166
And then some
tied into the back of a curtain.
451
00:27:06,833 --> 00:27:09,750
And I'm starting to think,
“That's a bit strange.”
452
00:27:12,208 --> 00:27:14,500
And we're going into bathrooms.
453
00:27:15,750 --> 00:27:19,333
One bathroom in particular
there was this huge wardrobe
454
00:27:20,375 --> 00:27:21,666
full of sex toys.
455
00:27:25,500 --> 00:27:28,333
Marcus and I looked in it.
I was really, really shocked.
456
00:27:29,666 --> 00:27:32,791
But he didn't really show much emotion,
457
00:27:33,208 --> 00:27:34,875
just kept reassuring me,
458
00:27:34,958 --> 00:27:37,833
"Never mind about that,
put it to one side. Let's get on."
459
00:27:38,416 --> 00:27:39,625
[Door opens]
460
00:27:41,833 --> 00:27:43,416
And when we got into the attic,
461
00:27:44,041 --> 00:27:46,875
there was our childhood.
462
00:27:50,250 --> 00:27:55,250
All our school books,
all our baby clothes.
463
00:27:56,666 --> 00:27:59,708
And then boxes and boxes of presents
464
00:28:00,333 --> 00:28:03,666
that have been given to us
for every Christmas and every birthday
465
00:28:04,083 --> 00:28:08,375
from our godfathers, aunts, uncles.
466
00:28:09,750 --> 00:28:14,583
We spent every birthday and Christmas
with no presents from anybody.
467
00:28:16,250 --> 00:28:18,583
She kept every single one.
468
00:28:22,250 --> 00:28:25,166
It made my mother much more complicated.
469
00:28:27,708 --> 00:28:31,458
Who was this lady?
What do I not know about her?
470
00:28:36,375 --> 00:28:39,291
And we started clearing Mommy's room.
471
00:28:45,416 --> 00:28:46,875
[Sliding door opening]
472
00:28:48,125 --> 00:28:50,416
We were in the back of a cupboard,
473
00:28:50,875 --> 00:28:54,666
and you get through all these
tons and tons of coats and clothes,
474
00:28:55,166 --> 00:29:00,041
and at the back you find a secret door
to a cupboard within a cupboard.
475
00:29:00,583 --> 00:29:04,208
Of course, it's locked.
So we have to find a key.
476
00:29:05,708 --> 00:29:07,708
[Clattering]
477
00:29:19,541 --> 00:29:24,000
And inside there is a photograph
478
00:29:24,958 --> 00:29:26,500
of me and Marcus,
479
00:29:28,125 --> 00:29:31,583
aged around ten, and we're naked
480
00:29:32,750 --> 00:29:34,125
with our heads cut off.
481
00:29:37,791 --> 00:29:42,333
[Tearfully] It was too weird.
It was just too, too strange.
482
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,916
What the hell was she doing
483
00:29:45,625 --> 00:29:49,916
with a naked picture of me and Marcus
with our heads cut off?
484
00:29:56,083 --> 00:29:57,500
I just didn't know what to do.
485
00:29:58,416 --> 00:29:59,250
I...
486
00:30:00,208 --> 00:30:02,916
- didn't know what to do. [Sighs]
- [music fades out]
487
00:30:04,750 --> 00:30:06,291
[fire crackling]
488
00:30:24,208 --> 00:30:25,666
[breathes deeply]
489
00:30:27,041 --> 00:30:27,875
No.
490
00:30:29,458 --> 00:30:30,291
[Sniffles]
491
00:30:30,833 --> 00:30:31,791
[sobbing] Fucking mad.
492
00:30:33,083 --> 00:30:34,333
I'm too fucking mad.
493
00:30:36,916 --> 00:30:37,750
[Gulps]
494
00:30:37,833 --> 00:30:39,125
[sighs] Jesus.
495
00:30:40,041 --> 00:30:40,875
[Scoffs]
496
00:30:51,333 --> 00:30:53,750
[gulps] Can I have a cup of tea?
497
00:31:03,750 --> 00:31:05,750
[Melancholic music playing]
498
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,291
[tires moving over gravel]
499
00:31:21,541 --> 00:31:25,666
[Marcus] I, from day one,
started to create
500
00:31:25,916 --> 00:31:28,750
a different life for Alex
than we actually had.
501
00:31:35,708 --> 00:31:39,875
I painted a picture of a normal family.
We lived in a nice house.
502
00:31:40,166 --> 00:31:42,583
Our parents were nice, decent people.
503
00:31:44,958 --> 00:31:46,375
But none of that was true.
504
00:31:48,250 --> 00:31:51,500
It was a fantasy
that I was creating for him.
505
00:31:51,875 --> 00:31:54,375
And the longer it went on,
the bigger the fantasy.
506
00:31:54,791 --> 00:31:56,791
[Motorcycle screeching]
507
00:31:58,583 --> 00:32:00,583
[music fades out]
508
00:32:07,958 --> 00:32:10,208
When Alex came back from the hospital,
509
00:32:11,166 --> 00:32:13,375
he didn't know who his mother was.
510
00:32:13,833 --> 00:32:16,666
He didn't know his house.
He didn't know his bedroom.
511
00:32:16,750 --> 00:32:19,250
Didn't know his girlfriend.
He didn't know he was in England.
512
00:32:19,333 --> 00:32:22,000
He didn't know... anything.
513
00:32:24,291 --> 00:32:27,208
But he knew... [loud muffled click] me.
514
00:32:28,416 --> 00:32:29,666
He knew who I was.
515
00:32:33,166 --> 00:32:35,750
If you've only got one fact in your mind,
516
00:32:36,416 --> 00:32:39,708
one thing that you know 100 %,
one thing that is yours,
517
00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:42,541
of your own, not something
that anybody's given you,
518
00:32:43,250 --> 00:32:45,541
you then build
everything around that fact.
519
00:32:48,041 --> 00:32:51,416
He had to trust me because
he didn't have anybody else to trust.
520
00:32:52,291 --> 00:32:53,666
Without me, he had nothing.
521
00:32:56,708 --> 00:33:00,333
So I started off,
when he got home, with the basics.
522
00:33:00,416 --> 00:33:04,333
Who are your parents,
where's your room, where's your stuff.
523
00:33:05,375 --> 00:33:09,458
And we did it on that basis.
It was just one fact after the next fact.
524
00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:17,083
And it wasn't until I'd been doing it
for about six months that I realized
525
00:33:17,458 --> 00:33:21,541
that I had some control over
what he knew and what he didn't know.
526
00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,875
Because everything that I told him
he accepted and he believed.
527
00:33:26,625 --> 00:33:28,708
So, for instance, he would ask
528
00:33:29,208 --> 00:33:31,083
what family holidays we'd go on.
529
00:33:34,583 --> 00:33:37,583
The truth was
we didn't go on family holidays.
530
00:33:38,291 --> 00:33:41,708
And if we went on a holiday,
we'd go with other people's families.
531
00:33:42,458 --> 00:33:46,458
We'd never go with our parents.
But I didn't want to give him that,
532
00:33:46,541 --> 00:33:51,083
because that was depressing
and sad and not very normal.
533
00:33:51,583 --> 00:33:52,750
So instead of saying,
534
00:33:52,833 --> 00:33:55,875
"Oh, we didn't go on family holidays
because our parents were shit."
535
00:33:56,208 --> 00:33:58,791
I said, "Yeah, we'd go
on family holidays all the time."
536
00:33:58,875 --> 00:34:01,583
Here's a picture of one
of the family holidays in France.
537
00:34:02,041 --> 00:34:05,000
My Dad spoke French.
It seemed like a natural fit.
538
00:34:05,583 --> 00:34:07,000
"Ah, right, that's nice."
539
00:34:07,291 --> 00:34:10,041
And I did manage to find
a picture of us on the beach.
540
00:34:11,041 --> 00:34:12,625
And that seemed to satisfy him.
541
00:34:13,833 --> 00:34:17,916
He didn't say, "Did we go with Mom?"
"Did we go with Dad?"
542
00:34:18,666 --> 00:34:19,916
"Did we all go as a family?”
543
00:34:22,083 --> 00:34:23,791
He didn't ask any of those questions,
544
00:34:25,125 --> 00:34:26,666
and I didn't give him the detail.
545
00:34:29,916 --> 00:34:31,291
I'd give him a photo.
546
00:34:32,791 --> 00:34:34,583
His imagination did the rest.
547
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:43,375
I gave him a photo album
of happy memories,
548
00:34:44,500 --> 00:34:45,625
happy times.
549
00:34:47,291 --> 00:34:48,333
With none of the shit.
550
00:34:55,500 --> 00:34:59,041
I tried to not make anything up.
I just left stuff out.
551
00:35:01,208 --> 00:35:03,000
If he'd started
challenging me on everything,
552
00:35:03,916 --> 00:35:05,500
the whole thing would've broken down,
553
00:35:05,583 --> 00:35:08,416
and he would've worked out very early on
what was really going on here.
554
00:35:12,791 --> 00:35:14,916
But you've got to remember,
he'd lost all memory.
555
00:35:16,250 --> 00:35:20,041
So I wasn't being challenged
at any point about anything.
556
00:35:20,458 --> 00:35:23,500
So If I said he went on a family holiday,
we went on a family holiday.
557
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:25,875
Period. He didn't ask again.
558
00:35:28,166 --> 00:35:31,041
And I did that all the way up
until he was 32 years old.
559
00:35:36,333 --> 00:35:37,458
[Music fades out]
560
00:35:38,250 --> 00:35:42,666
He had total blind faith
in everything that I told him.
561
00:35:48,708 --> 00:35:51,166
[Alex] That's the key to this whole thing...
562
00:35:52,708 --> 00:35:53,916
is the word trust.
563
00:35:55,458 --> 00:35:58,791
I had no reason not to trust him
or question him.
564
00:36:00,250 --> 00:36:02,166
So that's how-- how this--
565
00:36:02,250 --> 00:36:05,375
A lot of people think, just cannot believe
that this is even possible.
566
00:36:05,458 --> 00:36:07,666
But if you have blinding trust,
it is possible.
567
00:36:07,750 --> 00:36:08,708
[Inhales]
568
00:36:10,541 --> 00:36:11,375
[gulps]
569
00:36:12,416 --> 00:36:14,041
I had no reason to doubt him, did I?
570
00:36:15,791 --> 00:36:16,625
[Exhales]
571
00:36:16,708 --> 00:36:17,541
[clink]
572
00:36:20,833 --> 00:36:22,583
[Marcus] To start with,
it was quite simple
573
00:36:22,666 --> 00:36:24,125
because I had all the answers.
574
00:36:24,791 --> 00:36:28,916
But, as time goes by,
the questions get more complicated,
575
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:30,833
the questions get more directed,
576
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:33,166
and then you have to start remembering
577
00:36:33,250 --> 00:36:35,750
what he haven't told him,
remembering what you have told him.
578
00:36:36,458 --> 00:36:39,625
So then it became
a conscious choice to actually...
579
00:36:40,833 --> 00:36:41,666
lie.
580
00:36:41,750 --> 00:36:43,750
[Suspenseful music playing]
581
00:36:44,291 --> 00:36:47,875
So he would ask,
"Is our mother a good mother?"
582
00:36:47,958 --> 00:36:48,875
[Inhales]
583
00:36:49,583 --> 00:36:54,166
And I'd say, "Yeah, our mother's cool."
And that would be the end of the question.
584
00:36:55,750 --> 00:36:58,458
You would say to me,
"Well, that's not an acceptable answer.
585
00:36:58,583 --> 00:37:00,875
What am I supposed to do with,
'Our mother's cool.'
586
00:37:00,958 --> 00:37:04,000
I want more. What was she like?
How did she look after us?
587
00:37:04,083 --> 00:37:07,791
Does she love us? [Inhales]
You know, has she been a good mother?"
588
00:37:08,125 --> 00:37:10,250
But he wasn't asking
any questions like that.
589
00:37:10,333 --> 00:37:14,375
He just wanted to know,
"Is my mother cool?" "Yes, she is."
590
00:37:14,750 --> 00:37:17,208
Great. Pop that in the memory bank.
Move on.
591
00:37:25,375 --> 00:37:29,375
[Alex] It's amazing I never noticed
that the stories didn't line up.
592
00:37:33,375 --> 00:37:37,083
I cannot believe I never
stopped to say to him,
593
00:37:37,333 --> 00:37:38,958
"That doesn't all fit together."
594
00:37:39,958 --> 00:37:44,333
Right in my entire twenties
I never questioned it.
595
00:37:55,666 --> 00:37:57,041
[Soughing wind]
596
00:37:57,125 --> 00:37:59,041
[Marcus] Once I'd stepped into that realm,
597
00:38:00,375 --> 00:38:02,083
of not telling him the truth...
598
00:38:04,041 --> 00:38:05,333
I couldn't get out of it.
599
00:38:07,375 --> 00:38:09,166
And it then just snowballed
600
00:38:09,625 --> 00:38:12,416
to a point I had to stick
with what I'd told him.
601
00:38:12,500 --> 00:38:14,125
[Music fades out]
602
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:18,000
Because otherwise I had
to admit to him that I'd made
603
00:38:18,625 --> 00:38:21,166
a life up that didn't exist.
604
00:38:21,250 --> 00:38:23,250
[Rain pattering]
605
00:38:32,083 --> 00:38:35,125
Lying to my brother has a toll on you.
606
00:38:38,375 --> 00:38:42,208
And it alters the way
that you feel about yourself.
607
00:38:44,541 --> 00:38:49,541
I was lying to my best friend,
my partner, my other half,
608
00:38:49,750 --> 00:38:54,500
every single day.
And the guilt in doing that is so big.
609
00:38:55,708 --> 00:38:57,833
But telling him the truth was
610
00:38:57,916 --> 00:39:00,708
a thousand times worse
than telling him a lie.
611
00:39:02,208 --> 00:39:05,083
So I was damned if I did,
and I was damned if I didn't.
612
00:39:06,958 --> 00:39:08,958
[Tires moving over gravel]
613
00:39:10,083 --> 00:39:11,833
So I had to choose between the two.
614
00:39:15,166 --> 00:39:17,583
And so I chose, in the end,
615
00:39:18,375 --> 00:39:22,000
to never tell him the truth
of what happened in his childhood.
616
00:39:38,041 --> 00:39:39,458
[Marcus] We all like to think that
617
00:39:39,916 --> 00:39:42,500
we'd know who a pedophile is
when they walk in a room,
618
00:39:43,541 --> 00:39:45,458
because they've got a big label on them.
619
00:39:46,375 --> 00:39:49,083
But in reality, it's just not like that.
620
00:39:53,583 --> 00:39:56,416
My mother sexually abused us
621
00:39:57,041 --> 00:39:59,125
up to the age of about 12 or 14.
622
00:40:01,708 --> 00:40:03,958
[Tearfully] And why would you want
to give that?
623
00:40:04,041 --> 00:40:06,875
I mean, what's that?
I mean that's something...
624
00:40:07,375 --> 00:40:09,041
[normal voice] if I just told you today
625
00:40:09,291 --> 00:40:11,875
that that happened in your childhood,
you knew nothing about it,
626
00:40:12,125 --> 00:40:13,625
it would fuck the rest of your life up.
627
00:40:15,708 --> 00:40:17,458
Why would you feel that it's necessary
628
00:40:17,833 --> 00:40:20,958
to give an emotionally
disturbed 18-year-old
629
00:40:21,541 --> 00:40:23,625
information that he can't handle
630
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,500
and is not necessary for him to know?
631
00:40:28,500 --> 00:40:30,708
And if it was the other round,
I would expect him...
632
00:40:31,791 --> 00:40:33,541
I'd expect him to do the same.
633
00:40:34,333 --> 00:40:37,583
I would want him to do the same.
I'd be angry if he hadn't done it.
634
00:40:38,916 --> 00:40:41,083
And I do feel
very passionately about that.
635
00:40:41,541 --> 00:40:42,458
[Inhales deeply]
636
00:40:42,541 --> 00:40:44,666
There are people that say,
"The truth is the truth,
637
00:40:44,750 --> 00:40:47,500
and you should've told him.
And he would have to go to therapy,
638
00:40:47,583 --> 00:40:50,416
and he'd have to deal with all
of those things for the rest of his life.
639
00:40:50,666 --> 00:40:53,791
And it wasn't up to you to play God.
And it wasn't up to you
640
00:40:54,375 --> 00:40:56,541
to-- to take away those things."
641
00:40:56,625 --> 00:40:59,125
[Tearfully] But for me, [sniffles]
the way I feel,
642
00:41:00,250 --> 00:41:03,083
I have it... and it's a shit feeling.
643
00:41:06,041 --> 00:41:07,708
[Normal voice]
He doesn't have that feeling.
644
00:41:07,791 --> 00:41:10,083
He doesn't know
what it feels like to feel like that.
645
00:41:10,166 --> 00:41:12,333
I gave him a present
of not knowing any of that.
646
00:41:14,166 --> 00:41:16,750
And so, for me, that has to be a gift.
647
00:41:16,916 --> 00:41:19,708
It has to be something precious
648
00:41:19,791 --> 00:41:23,041
that any human being would give
to another one that they love.
649
00:41:23,166 --> 00:41:25,875
[Tearfully] Anybody would do that.
[Sighs, gulps]
650
00:41:45,333 --> 00:41:47,333
[melancholic music playing]
651
00:41:49,375 --> 00:41:53,583
I had been living this life for Alex
652
00:41:54,583 --> 00:41:55,875
for so many years,
653
00:41:57,541 --> 00:41:59,583
doing all of the things
that I was meant to do
654
00:41:59,666 --> 00:42:02,333
that fitted the narrative
that I'd been giving him.
655
00:42:05,083 --> 00:42:09,166
It would be her birthday, and we'd arrive
at the house, and we'd all hug and kiss.
656
00:42:10,625 --> 00:42:12,666
I mean, I just don't know
what she was thinking.
657
00:42:13,958 --> 00:42:16,125
"Look, I've fucked these boys' lives up,
658
00:42:16,208 --> 00:42:18,000
and here they are
singing Happy Birthday to me."
659
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:26,833
We'd make a cake,
and we'd all make a fuss, and we'd sing,
660
00:42:26,916 --> 00:42:29,500
and we'd do all of the things
that you were meant to do in a family.
661
00:42:30,500 --> 00:42:32,791
Alex was doing
what it said in the story books.
662
00:42:33,375 --> 00:42:35,791
He was doing what it said in the movies.
663
00:42:37,666 --> 00:42:41,333
"Go and give your Mom a kiss.
Go and give this lady a kiss."
664
00:42:43,791 --> 00:42:45,500
And I watched from the sidelines.
665
00:42:51,416 --> 00:42:55,000
The pain and anguish
that was going on inside me was explosive!
666
00:42:56,291 --> 00:43:00,083
And the power
of just wanting it to go away
667
00:43:00,541 --> 00:43:03,583
is so intense and so strong
668
00:43:04,791 --> 00:43:09,500
that I began to believe
the reality that I was creating.
669
00:43:10,666 --> 00:43:14,541
I needed to feel that actually
it had never happened to me.
670
00:43:18,041 --> 00:43:21,458
Alex lost his memory by accident.
671
00:43:23,791 --> 00:43:26,041
And I lost my memory voluntarily.
672
00:43:30,833 --> 00:43:33,666
And it was great. And I was free.
673
00:43:34,916 --> 00:43:37,500
And I could be rid
of all the things that she'd done to me.
674
00:43:38,333 --> 00:43:41,250
[Tearfully] And all this hurt
that she caused me.
675
00:43:41,833 --> 00:43:43,458
[Sniffles] And all the shame.
676
00:43:46,250 --> 00:43:47,333
You feel ashamed.
677
00:43:48,416 --> 00:43:49,583
You feel dirty.
678
00:43:50,583 --> 00:43:51,666
You feel used.
679
00:43:55,541 --> 00:43:56,708
And all that was gone.
680
00:44:04,666 --> 00:44:07,166
I then suddenly had a nice childhood.
681
00:44:09,125 --> 00:44:10,916
I then suddenly had nice parents.
682
00:44:12,791 --> 00:44:14,333
I then wasn't abused.
683
00:44:15,958 --> 00:44:18,250
All of these things
never happened to me either.
684
00:44:19,541 --> 00:44:23,083
So I was helping him
not to have that childhood,
685
00:44:23,500 --> 00:44:25,625
and I was helping myself at the same time.
686
00:44:28,458 --> 00:44:30,458
And it was magical.
687
00:44:33,625 --> 00:44:36,041
If I close my eyes
and really concentrated,
688
00:44:36,541 --> 00:44:38,041
of course it would all come back.
689
00:44:38,625 --> 00:44:40,666
But on the surface, on a daily level,
690
00:44:41,625 --> 00:44:43,375
I lived in the same circle as him.
691
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:47,625
So it was a circle of convenience for me,
692
00:44:48,625 --> 00:44:50,125
and it was a necessary...
693
00:44:52,541 --> 00:44:54,458
evil lie...
694
00:44:56,916 --> 00:44:58,458
whatever you wanna call it for him.
695
00:45:03,875 --> 00:45:04,708
[Sniffs]
696
00:45:05,791 --> 00:45:06,625
[gulps]
697
00:45:11,625 --> 00:45:13,125
Once my mother had died,
698
00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:16,208
once we had got her in the ground
and she was gone,
699
00:45:17,083 --> 00:45:20,500
then it was as if
the whole saga was finished.
700
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:23,000
[Fire crackling]
701
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:32,541
When Alex found the photo,
he was experiencing confusion.
702
00:45:34,291 --> 00:45:38,250
When I found the photo, I was experiencing
703
00:45:39,125 --> 00:45:41,333
the horror of what had happened to me.
704
00:45:43,541 --> 00:45:44,875
It can't be anything else.
705
00:45:45,208 --> 00:45:47,208
It can't be an accident.
706
00:45:47,291 --> 00:45:49,958
She couldn't have slipped with
the scissors and chopped the heads off.
707
00:45:50,750 --> 00:45:53,500
It was something macabre and disturbing
708
00:45:54,500 --> 00:45:58,458
that needed to be
put back in a jar instantly,
709
00:45:59,541 --> 00:46:02,333
or risk falling into the abyss.
710
00:46:04,916 --> 00:46:08,000
[Alex] That photo changed it for me.
711
00:46:09,833 --> 00:46:13,125
I just walked straight into the kitchen.
712
00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:17,708
Marcus is standing there,
and I said to him,
713
00:46:18,333 --> 00:46:21,791
"Were we sexually abused or not?"
714
00:46:22,875 --> 00:46:24,958
And he turned around, and he went white.
715
00:46:25,791 --> 00:46:28,958
He didn't know what to do. He turned
around, he had a cup of tea in his hand,
716
00:46:29,416 --> 00:46:31,708
and it dropped out
of his hand onto the floor.
717
00:46:32,291 --> 00:46:38,166
In that split second,
the whole circle evaporated instantly.
718
00:46:39,208 --> 00:46:42,625
And I'll never forget it,
because I knew the game was up.
719
00:46:42,750 --> 00:46:45,875
- [Melancholic violin music playing]
- And he just looked at me,
720
00:46:46,875 --> 00:46:48,083
he was silent.
721
00:46:50,416 --> 00:46:56,500
He nodded. He just nodded a yes to me.
He didn't say anything, he just nodded.
722
00:46:57,416 --> 00:46:59,541
And then he turned around,
put his back to me,
723
00:47:00,583 --> 00:47:01,958
and walked into the garden.
724
00:47:14,125 --> 00:47:18,041
I say, "Did Mommy abuse us or not?"
He said, "Yes, she did."
725
00:47:19,833 --> 00:47:21,500
He just put his arm around me,
726
00:47:22,166 --> 00:47:23,916
and he said,
727
00:47:24,791 --> 00:47:26,458
"Yeah, it's true."
728
00:47:29,291 --> 00:47:32,000
And we cried, both of us.
729
00:47:33,958 --> 00:47:35,666
[Exasperated sigh]
730
00:47:38,083 --> 00:47:39,625
[cries]
731
00:47:42,166 --> 00:47:44,166
[exasperated sigh]
732
00:47:49,041 --> 00:47:52,541
I just cried and cried. [Sighs]
[tearfully] For days.
733
00:47:54,458 --> 00:47:55,791
For days and days.
734
00:47:57,000 --> 00:47:59,875
And... I just didn't know what to do.
735
00:48:00,875 --> 00:48:01,708
I...
736
00:48:02,583 --> 00:48:03,916
didn't know what to do.
737
00:48:04,500 --> 00:48:05,416
[Sighs]
738
00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:15,000
I just kept saying, "No, it can't be
Mommy. You've got it wrong."
739
00:48:16,625 --> 00:48:18,375
Our mother couldn't be a pedophile.
740
00:48:19,750 --> 00:48:21,208
She's not that kind of woman.
741
00:48:23,458 --> 00:48:27,791
She had her eccentricities to her,
but she wasn't that.
742
00:48:34,166 --> 00:48:38,041
[Marcus] To my knowledge,
my father never abused us.
743
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:42,875
And, as much as I hated him
because he was so horrible,
744
00:48:43,583 --> 00:48:46,500
I don't believe he ever knew
that my mother was abusing us.
745
00:48:47,416 --> 00:48:48,750
I would like to think he did,
746
00:48:48,833 --> 00:48:51,708
and he should have done
something about it, but he didn't.
747
00:48:54,458 --> 00:48:56,958
She had that amazing ability to...
748
00:48:57,750 --> 00:48:59,916
almost hypnotize
749
00:49:00,208 --> 00:49:03,416
people around her
and get them to do what she wanted to do.
750
00:49:05,083 --> 00:49:07,041
Everybody thought
she was amazing and lovely,
751
00:49:07,500 --> 00:49:08,791
when underneath she wasn't.
752
00:49:09,666 --> 00:49:13,375
Underneath she was
a very complicated and...
753
00:49:15,291 --> 00:49:16,416
cruel person.
754
00:49:20,541 --> 00:49:23,083
[Alex] As hard as it was to accept
what Mommy had done,
755
00:49:24,333 --> 00:49:27,458
it was much harder to accept
what Marcus had done.
756
00:49:31,833 --> 00:49:35,708
That my own twin had actually lied to me.
757
00:49:39,291 --> 00:49:42,125
- The one person that I absolutely...
- [Marcus sighs]
758
00:49:42,541 --> 00:49:44,208
...trusted 100 %
759
00:49:44,833 --> 00:49:45,958
has now betrayed me.
760
00:49:48,291 --> 00:49:49,541
I was angry with him.
761
00:49:50,250 --> 00:49:52,250
Really angry with him
for the first time ever.
762
00:49:53,541 --> 00:49:57,333
I was angry with him
that we knew everything about each other,
763
00:49:57,541 --> 00:50:00,208
and we had no secrets.
We'd do everything together,
764
00:50:00,833 --> 00:50:06,125
yet, behind all of that,
he still had a secret.
765
00:50:07,625 --> 00:50:11,541
How could we have secrets?
We don't have secrets. We're twins.
766
00:50:11,833 --> 00:50:14,125
We're identical twins. We're joined.
767
00:50:14,375 --> 00:50:16,583
Secrets is not something that exists
768
00:50:17,333 --> 00:50:19,583
and has no place in our relationship.
769
00:50:21,125 --> 00:50:22,958
And yet, here it is.
770
00:50:23,250 --> 00:50:24,916
[Marcus] I was almost free of it.
771
00:50:25,041 --> 00:50:29,291
I genuinely got rid of it out of myself,
out of my head.
772
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,375
And Alex had just fucking taken it
773
00:50:32,458 --> 00:50:34,875
from this place
that I'd worked so hard to put it
774
00:50:35,083 --> 00:50:39,500
and just dumped it on the table.
In one second, just like that.
775
00:50:41,083 --> 00:50:43,250
I challenged him on it,
776
00:50:43,791 --> 00:50:47,250
and he just quite simply said
that he wasn't prepared to talk about it.
777
00:50:48,166 --> 00:50:51,750
He said there was sexual abuse,
and that was it.
778
00:50:51,875 --> 00:50:53,208
That was all he gave me.
779
00:50:55,333 --> 00:50:57,500
He would come and ask me, I'd say nothing.
780
00:50:57,583 --> 00:51:00,833
He'd come and ask me, I'd say nothing.
781
00:51:01,208 --> 00:51:03,208
I'd gone into shutdown.
782
00:51:03,583 --> 00:51:05,875
You know what, I've given you
the one piece of information,
783
00:51:05,958 --> 00:51:08,750
I said yes.
That's all you need to know.
784
00:51:11,291 --> 00:51:14,666
And we never spoke about any of it.
785
00:51:16,916 --> 00:51:18,125
[Marcus] I couldn't cope.
786
00:51:18,833 --> 00:51:21,250
I simply could not cope
787
00:51:21,833 --> 00:51:25,458
with the pain, with the--
with the kind of anguish of-- [inhales]
788
00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:28,000
I didn't have the tools to deal with it.
789
00:51:29,250 --> 00:51:31,958
I just wanted to run away
and hide in a hole.
790
00:51:33,125 --> 00:51:34,250
And that's what I did.
791
00:51:41,500 --> 00:51:43,500
[Thunder rumbling]
792
00:51:46,125 --> 00:51:47,416
[heavy rain pattering]
793
00:51:54,958 --> 00:51:56,208
[Alex] I was on my own.
794
00:51:57,583 --> 00:52:01,291
Possibly on my own
for the first time in my entire life.
795
00:52:02,375 --> 00:52:04,375
[Melancholic music playing]
796
00:52:04,583 --> 00:52:06,208
I had lost my twin.
797
00:52:07,208 --> 00:52:11,583
My one link to my whole existence.
798
00:52:17,916 --> 00:52:20,500
I was left with no details
of what my mom had done.
799
00:52:20,791 --> 00:52:24,000
I was left with no details
about which part of my life was real
800
00:52:24,083 --> 00:52:25,291
and which parts weren't.
801
00:52:26,416 --> 00:52:27,250
Nothing.
802
00:52:28,875 --> 00:52:30,875
[Tires moving over gravel]
803
00:52:41,208 --> 00:52:42,958
What made this so hard
804
00:52:43,291 --> 00:52:46,708
was that I'd built my life
around what Marcus had given me.
805
00:52:49,125 --> 00:52:53,166
So it wasn't that I'd just lost Marcus,
I had also just lost myself.
806
00:52:56,166 --> 00:53:00,625
I've re-built my life
from the age of 18 with nothing.
807
00:53:01,791 --> 00:53:06,041
I'm now 32, and I'm back
to where I was before, ground zero.
808
00:53:06,125 --> 00:53:07,250
I'm back to nothing.
809
00:53:07,916 --> 00:53:10,833
I'm starting again, for the second time.
810
00:53:11,916 --> 00:53:17,291
If that's possible. And I've got
to restructure my entire life again!
811
00:53:18,500 --> 00:53:20,500
[Rummaging]
812
00:53:27,791 --> 00:53:29,166
So I started
813
00:53:29,750 --> 00:53:33,375
trying to find out who my mother was,
814
00:53:35,125 --> 00:53:36,833
what sort of person she was.
815
00:53:38,875 --> 00:53:40,750
What was this secret life like?
816
00:53:41,125 --> 00:53:43,125
[Melancholic piano music playing]
817
00:53:47,708 --> 00:53:51,708
And that was almost an obsession.
818
00:53:56,041 --> 00:53:58,750
I started piecing things together.
819
00:54:00,625 --> 00:54:05,333
I started finding newspaper clips
of my mother when she was a debutante.
820
00:54:05,416 --> 00:54:09,291
And I started finding,
you know, any pieces of information.
821
00:54:14,958 --> 00:54:17,375
Mixed in with the letters
that you would expect to see,
822
00:54:18,375 --> 00:54:21,375
I found lots of passionate love letters.
823
00:54:22,750 --> 00:54:26,125
Letters from people in the army, colonels,
824
00:54:26,208 --> 00:54:28,208
quite prominent people.
825
00:54:30,375 --> 00:54:33,000
Every single one of them
absolutely adored her.
826
00:54:35,916 --> 00:54:39,541
I started to realize that her whole
827
00:54:39,791 --> 00:54:42,500
life revolved around sex.
828
00:54:44,625 --> 00:54:47,791
She had some sort of spell over them.
829
00:54:55,916 --> 00:54:57,291
I did love my mother.
830
00:54:59,500 --> 00:55:01,583
And she was part of my life.
831
00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:07,625
And it was very, very difficult
832
00:55:08,083 --> 00:55:11,500
to marry up the two moms.
833
00:55:13,375 --> 00:55:15,833
The one I knew
and the one I found out about.
834
00:55:17,250 --> 00:55:19,041
It's just...
835
00:55:20,166 --> 00:55:21,750
bigger than I thought it was.
836
00:55:31,250 --> 00:55:33,458
It sent me into an unbelievable spin.
837
00:55:33,541 --> 00:55:35,375
- [Cork popping]
- [people cheering]
838
00:55:37,208 --> 00:55:38,666
What is real and what isn't real?
839
00:55:39,875 --> 00:55:41,625
What if the whole damn lot...
840
00:55:41,708 --> 00:55:43,125
[loud muffled boom]
841
00:55:43,375 --> 00:55:44,833
...is a made up story?
842
00:55:49,125 --> 00:55:52,625
- Nothing makes sense.
- [High pitched ringing]
843
00:55:53,583 --> 00:55:56,541
[motorcycle squeals, loud bang]
844
00:55:57,333 --> 00:55:58,875
What else don't I know?
845
00:55:59,291 --> 00:56:01,291
[Silence]
846
00:56:13,750 --> 00:56:15,875
I got so down and so depressed
847
00:56:17,666 --> 00:56:19,458
and so confused...
848
00:56:20,291 --> 00:56:21,666
about who I was.
849
00:56:24,750 --> 00:56:27,291
I even had suicidal thoughts.
850
00:56:27,625 --> 00:56:31,041
I-- I couldn't, I just couldn't cope
with day-to-day life.
851
00:56:36,666 --> 00:56:37,958
And it was very...
852
00:56:40,250 --> 00:56:41,250
difficult...
853
00:56:42,708 --> 00:56:43,666
to deal with.
854
00:56:49,125 --> 00:56:53,083
One of the big things that saves me
was meeting my wife.
855
00:56:54,666 --> 00:56:58,000
I met someone who was prepared
not only to take me on,
856
00:56:58,291 --> 00:57:02,125
but was prepared to take on
this extraordinary history
857
00:57:03,500 --> 00:57:06,958
and help me through
my quest for the truth.
858
00:57:08,250 --> 00:57:09,833
[Melancholic music playing]
859
00:57:09,958 --> 00:57:12,375
So we got married,
and we've had two children.
860
00:57:13,708 --> 00:57:16,333
And Marcus also got married,
and he's got two children.
861
00:57:16,416 --> 00:57:17,333
[Inhales]
862
00:57:17,416 --> 00:57:19,083
And we both got on with our lives.
863
00:57:24,166 --> 00:57:27,166
[Marcus] I was determined
to not let this affect my life.
864
00:57:27,500 --> 00:57:30,791
So I managed to put it away
into Pandora's box, shut the lid,
865
00:57:31,250 --> 00:57:33,666
and get on with a very happy life.
866
00:57:34,416 --> 00:57:35,541
I've had lots of fun.
867
00:57:35,625 --> 00:57:38,333
I've had amazing relationships.
I've got an amazing wife.
868
00:57:38,416 --> 00:57:41,000
I've done all these incredible things
in my life
869
00:57:41,208 --> 00:57:44,000
without having to deal
with any of that stuff.
870
00:57:44,083 --> 00:57:45,375
I just locked it away.
871
00:57:52,500 --> 00:57:56,041
[Alex] I think what makes
this story even more strange
872
00:57:56,458 --> 00:58:00,083
is the fact
that we do everything together.
873
00:58:01,250 --> 00:58:03,583
For the last 20 years,
we've worked together,
874
00:58:03,875 --> 00:58:06,833
we run our companies together,
we do everything together.
875
00:58:11,500 --> 00:58:13,666
We even wrote a book
about our experience.
876
00:58:16,375 --> 00:58:18,416
But Marcus just wouldn't open up.
877
00:58:21,458 --> 00:58:24,166
He wouldn't go
where I needed him to go.
878
00:58:29,125 --> 00:58:30,625
I had questions,
879
00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:33,458
and I needed answers.
880
00:58:34,625 --> 00:58:37,541
And he wasn't prepared to give them to me.
881
00:58:38,625 --> 00:58:40,875
And still hasn't to this day.
882
00:58:43,041 --> 00:58:43,958
[Music fades out]
883
00:58:46,666 --> 00:58:49,250
[Marcus] I've been silent
about the real details
884
00:58:49,333 --> 00:58:50,958
of what happened for 20 years.
885
00:58:52,500 --> 00:58:54,708
And I look back on it now,
it's appalling what I did.
886
00:58:55,625 --> 00:58:57,458
I should have gone and given him a hug.
887
00:58:57,625 --> 00:59:00,541
We should've sat down and talked about it,
"How we're gonna get through it?
888
00:59:00,625 --> 00:59:03,916
Let's go for some therapy.
Let's do this together."
889
00:59:04,291 --> 00:59:05,500
And I did the opposite.
890
00:59:08,083 --> 00:59:10,083
[Melancholic music playing]
891
00:59:10,791 --> 00:59:13,333
I left him to hang out and dry,
all on his own.
892
00:59:15,541 --> 00:59:19,333
[Scoffs] I mean, I just can't believe
that I was capable of doing that...
893
00:59:19,958 --> 00:59:20,833
to him.
894
00:59:21,625 --> 00:59:24,041
And it's shameful, what I did.
895
00:59:26,333 --> 00:59:29,875
And one day
he'll forgive me for that, but...
896
00:59:31,791 --> 00:59:33,666
[breathes deeply]
897
00:59:35,125 --> 00:59:36,166
It's too much.
898
00:59:38,041 --> 00:59:39,000
Too much.
899
00:59:39,666 --> 00:59:41,666
[Breathing deeply]
900
00:59:45,916 --> 00:59:48,000
[music fades out]
901
00:59:58,375 --> 00:59:59,708
[eerie music playing]
902
01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:02,000
[breathes deeply]
903
01:00:10,333 --> 01:00:12,416
[Alex] I still don't know who I am.
904
01:00:15,125 --> 01:00:17,125
[Breathes deeply]
905
01:00:18,125 --> 01:00:20,208
What I need my brother
to do now is talk...
906
01:00:22,666 --> 01:00:26,833
so I can work out what is real
and what isn't real.
907
01:00:31,583 --> 01:00:34,166
I need him to give me
the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle.
908
01:00:37,375 --> 01:00:38,666
What really happened
909
01:00:40,875 --> 01:00:42,000
back in that house
910
01:00:44,166 --> 01:00:45,375
all those years ago.
911
01:00:58,041 --> 01:00:58,875
[Gulps]
912
01:01:10,375 --> 01:01:11,291
[gulps]
913
01:01:15,666 --> 01:01:16,625
Bit close to you.
914
01:01:16,791 --> 01:01:17,875
[Alex chuckles]
915
01:01:20,666 --> 01:01:22,958
- There you go.
- Yeah. Just a tad.
916
01:01:26,250 --> 01:01:31,041
It does seem amazing
that we've done so much together.
917
01:01:31,416 --> 01:01:34,041
We've gone through
so many different things,
918
01:01:35,208 --> 01:01:37,958
but without ever actually sitting down
919
01:01:39,166 --> 01:01:42,125
and saying,
"What was all that about then?"
920
01:01:44,000 --> 01:01:45,750
I've always felt I never needed to.
921
01:01:45,916 --> 01:01:49,000
I've always felt
that you trusted me enough...
922
01:01:51,166 --> 01:01:54,291
and respected me enough
to not have to know all the details.
923
01:01:56,833 --> 01:02:00,666
Yeah. I did accept each thing
as you said it along the way,
924
01:02:01,375 --> 01:02:04,083
but sort of the more I learn,
as we've gone through the story,
925
01:02:05,166 --> 01:02:08,500
the more extraordinary it was
926
01:02:09,000 --> 01:02:11,416
how I didn't question anything you said.
927
01:02:14,000 --> 01:02:15,541
And the...
928
01:02:16,625 --> 01:02:17,916
cost to me,
929
01:02:18,291 --> 01:02:19,958
personally, was enormous.
930
01:02:21,833 --> 01:02:25,791
It was a much harder journey
for me to go through
931
01:02:26,041 --> 01:02:30,000
than you ever imagined
or actually stopped to even work out.
932
01:02:33,166 --> 01:02:35,500
And for me, your secrecy
933
01:02:36,333 --> 01:02:40,166
is something
that I just have found very difficult
934
01:02:40,666 --> 01:02:43,916
because we know everything together.
935
01:02:44,250 --> 01:02:47,250
We're identical twins, we understand
things together, we're linked together.
936
01:02:48,333 --> 01:02:50,458
Yet we have this
937
01:02:51,041 --> 01:02:52,000
unbelievable
938
01:02:52,625 --> 01:02:54,625
separation of silence
939
01:02:55,208 --> 01:02:57,291
that I'm desperately trying
to ask questions,
940
01:02:57,375 --> 01:02:59,333
and you're desperately trying
not to answer them.
941
01:03:01,875 --> 01:03:03,458
And for me, I feel...
942
01:03:05,791 --> 01:03:08,708
that once I've got it,
I can stop my journey.
943
01:03:10,166 --> 01:03:12,541
Do you see what I mean?
I need to stop my journey.
944
01:03:12,833 --> 01:03:14,500
I need to stop searching.
945
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:16,958
And you can finally be rid of it
946
01:03:17,125 --> 01:03:20,166
at the same time, so we've both
got something to gain from this.
947
01:03:20,708 --> 01:03:23,083
- Just as much as each other.
- I know we have.
948
01:03:23,708 --> 01:03:24,666
You know.
949
01:03:24,750 --> 01:03:27,000
And you've got to understand that
once you came to me
950
01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:29,500
on that day that I'll never forget
and you asked
951
01:03:29,916 --> 01:03:31,291
whether our mother abused us,
952
01:03:31,958 --> 01:03:34,166
and I simply said, "Yes"
but nothing else...
953
01:03:36,666 --> 01:03:38,333
I thought that was perfectly adequate
954
01:03:38,416 --> 01:03:40,208
and you could get on
with your life with that.
955
01:03:41,916 --> 01:03:44,416
But it wasn't. It wasn't for me.
956
01:03:45,458 --> 01:03:46,541
That one moment...
957
01:03:47,708 --> 01:03:49,000
cost me dearly.
958
01:03:49,958 --> 01:03:51,708
Well, it cost me pretty hard, Alex,
959
01:03:52,958 --> 01:03:57,833
because by giving that to you,
I then had to give it all back to myself,
960
01:03:58,208 --> 01:04:00,833
which I'd spent
fucking years getting rid of.
961
01:04:01,416 --> 01:04:03,625
Burying and burying and burying it.
962
01:04:05,250 --> 01:04:06,833
Silence, silence, silence.
963
01:04:07,000 --> 01:04:09,583
Yeah, but it allowed me
to have a free life,
964
01:04:10,166 --> 01:04:11,625
as you were having a free life.
965
01:04:12,250 --> 01:04:13,625
Free of child abuse.
966
01:04:15,208 --> 01:04:17,833
When I took it away from you,
I took it away from me.
967
01:04:18,666 --> 01:04:19,875
Do you not understand that?
968
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:25,541
I'd been silent for me.
969
01:04:28,708 --> 01:04:29,583
For me.
970
01:04:32,041 --> 01:04:34,416
[Tearfully] If I gave it to you,
I had to give it to me.
971
01:04:35,041 --> 01:04:38,750
And I have not been ready
to break the silence.
972
01:04:39,666 --> 01:04:41,125
A silence is a lie.
973
01:04:41,208 --> 01:04:43,583
I have been lying to myself
974
01:04:44,208 --> 01:04:47,541
for 20 years that I was abused.
975
01:04:49,125 --> 01:04:50,958
That is my defense mechanism.
976
01:04:51,041 --> 01:04:54,250
It is a lie. Being silent is a lie.
977
01:04:55,125 --> 01:04:57,458
And telling you what you wanted to know
978
01:04:58,458 --> 01:04:59,958
is breaking the silence.
979
01:05:01,208 --> 01:05:03,541
- Any of the information?
- Anything, Alex,
980
01:05:03,625 --> 01:05:06,583
anything more than,
"Yes, my mother abused us."
981
01:05:06,666 --> 01:05:09,416
I gave you the informa-- You asked me
a question, I told you the answer.
982
01:05:09,500 --> 01:05:11,416
Everything else is off the table.
983
01:05:12,500 --> 01:05:14,333
I couldn't cope with it anymore.
984
01:05:17,958 --> 01:05:19,791
[Tearfully]
Don't you understand, Ali?
985
01:05:20,291 --> 01:05:22,250
[Tearfully] No, I didn't.
I didn't understand.
986
01:05:22,708 --> 01:05:25,666
- That's why. That's why, Ali.
- I didn't understand it.
987
01:05:28,041 --> 01:05:29,250
I couldn't do that.
988
01:05:30,291 --> 01:05:31,791
I was too much of a coward.
989
01:05:32,125 --> 01:05:34,750
Totally and utterly too much of a coward
990
01:05:35,666 --> 01:05:37,208
to give you anything,
991
01:05:38,250 --> 01:05:39,083
anything.
992
01:05:39,916 --> 01:05:42,625
[Normal voice] So I've spent 20 years
searching for it.
993
01:05:43,500 --> 01:05:44,875
Driving myself mad.
994
01:05:46,166 --> 01:05:50,333
Spending hours talking to people,
finding things, scraps of information.
995
01:05:51,125 --> 01:05:54,625
- It ran, it totally ran my life.
- But why couldn't you let it go?
996
01:05:54,791 --> 01:05:56,833
- Why couldn't you accept it?
- I c-- I couldn't.
997
01:05:57,333 --> 01:05:59,083
I just could not let it go.
998
01:05:59,666 --> 01:06:01,583
Do you understand why
I couldn't give it to you?
999
01:06:01,666 --> 01:06:04,208
Yeah, I do. I do understand that.
1000
01:06:05,208 --> 01:06:07,250
So I was silently doing all my stuff,
1001
01:06:07,875 --> 01:06:11,708
trying to find it, and you were silently
trying not to give me anything.
1002
01:06:11,791 --> 01:06:14,708
- I had no choice, Ali.
- And so it went on and on and on.
1003
01:06:14,916 --> 01:06:16,250
I had no choice.
1004
01:06:19,041 --> 01:06:21,125
We're 54 years old.
1005
01:06:23,250 --> 01:06:26,166
Fifty-four years old, for fuck's sake.
1006
01:06:26,791 --> 01:06:28,458
Having this conversation now.
1007
01:06:29,166 --> 01:06:31,083
We should have had it when we were 20.
1008
01:06:32,041 --> 01:06:34,250
What a fucking waste of 30 years.
1009
01:06:35,833 --> 01:06:36,708
Honestly.
1010
01:06:39,541 --> 01:06:40,541
But we're here now.
1011
01:06:42,708 --> 01:06:43,541
Yeah, we are.
1012
01:06:54,916 --> 01:06:57,375
[Inhales, exhales softly]
1013
01:07:10,750 --> 01:07:11,583
[sighs]
1014
01:07:12,166 --> 01:07:13,000
I--
1015
01:07:14,958 --> 01:07:17,750
I don't think I've got the strength
to tell you to your face
1016
01:07:17,916 --> 01:07:19,250
what really happened.
1017
01:07:20,125 --> 01:07:23,375
But I have had
a conversation about it on camera
1018
01:07:24,125 --> 01:07:26,458
and maybe you should have a look at that.
1019
01:07:27,791 --> 01:07:29,916
And that will give you everything
that you need to know.
1020
01:07:33,000 --> 01:07:34,666
And you're happy for me to see that?
1021
01:07:36,541 --> 01:07:39,166
I'm not saying I'm happy. I'm feeling that
1022
01:07:39,333 --> 01:07:41,000
- I have a necessity.
- A necessity.
1023
01:07:42,541 --> 01:07:45,666
It's a necessity, Alex.
We've come to the end of the lie.
1024
01:07:46,958 --> 01:07:47,875
You look at it.
1025
01:07:48,625 --> 01:07:51,125
[Tearfully] But I just can't do it
to your face, Ali.
1026
01:07:51,208 --> 01:07:53,083
I'm gonna go away and let you watch it.
1027
01:07:54,750 --> 01:07:55,750
And then we're done.
1028
01:07:56,958 --> 01:07:58,500
- Okay.
- Are you ready to do that?
1029
01:08:00,375 --> 01:08:01,208
Yes.
1030
01:08:07,666 --> 01:08:09,958
Well, you're making me
very scared now, but...
1031
01:08:11,291 --> 01:08:13,750
I don't really understand
why you need to see it.
1032
01:08:14,208 --> 01:08:15,541
I still don't get it.
1033
01:08:16,625 --> 01:08:19,125
So we can be
fully connected again, Markie.
1034
01:08:20,625 --> 01:08:23,125
- I guess so.
- I need the lie to stop.
1035
01:08:25,708 --> 01:08:27,416
And I need my life to be real.
1036
01:08:30,000 --> 01:08:33,083
My life is not real.
My life is the one you gave me, Markie.
1037
01:08:33,291 --> 01:08:35,083
My life is what you wanted it to be.
1038
01:08:36,041 --> 01:08:37,875
My life has been dictated by you.
1039
01:08:38,958 --> 01:08:41,166
I need something. I need to own this.
1040
01:08:43,250 --> 01:08:45,541
- Okay. All right.
- Okay?
1041
01:08:47,291 --> 01:08:48,416
[Sighs]
1042
01:08:56,375 --> 01:08:57,791
[gulps]
1043
01:09:25,791 --> 01:09:27,125
[exhales]
1044
01:09:28,625 --> 01:09:29,583
[click]
1045
01:09:47,708 --> 01:09:48,541
[sighs]
1046
01:09:49,333 --> 01:09:51,333
[breathes deeply]
1047
01:10:03,208 --> 01:10:04,875
I've never told a living soul...
1048
01:10:06,166 --> 01:10:07,458
about what happened.
1049
01:10:10,791 --> 01:10:12,541
I barely told myself what happened.
1050
01:10:14,333 --> 01:10:16,625
So you're asking me to give you something
1051
01:10:18,375 --> 01:10:20,583
that I've never given
to anybody in my life.
1052
01:10:24,958 --> 01:10:27,166
[Breathes deeply]
1053
01:10:32,333 --> 01:10:33,166
[sniffs]
1054
01:10:33,458 --> 01:10:34,291
[gulps]
1055
01:10:49,750 --> 01:10:50,583
Okay.
1056
01:10:50,875 --> 01:10:51,958
[Clink]
1057
01:10:52,041 --> 01:10:55,250
[breathes deeply]
Just as a "fuck you" to her. Let's do it.
1058
01:11:02,250 --> 01:11:06,375
My mother would take us into her room...
1059
01:11:07,541 --> 01:11:09,250
she would take us into her bed.
1060
01:11:11,541 --> 01:11:13,375
She would make us touch each other.
1061
01:11:13,458 --> 01:11:16,208
She would make us play with each other.
1062
01:11:17,375 --> 01:11:21,750
She would touch us.
She would masturbate us.
1063
01:11:23,500 --> 01:11:27,583
She would do things that no mother
should ever do to their child.
1064
01:11:30,000 --> 01:11:31,291
And then she moved on.
1065
01:11:31,916 --> 01:11:34,958
Not only did she want to do those things
for her own gratification,
1066
01:11:35,916 --> 01:11:38,041
she then passed us around to her friends.
1067
01:11:39,333 --> 01:11:42,291
So she would drive us to friends' houses,
1068
01:11:42,958 --> 01:11:46,708
have dinner and a glass of wine,
and then leave us there.
1069
01:11:48,708 --> 01:11:50,875
Never together, always on our own.
1070
01:11:52,000 --> 01:11:55,916
And then some strange man
that I'd never met and I never knew
1071
01:11:56,416 --> 01:11:59,958
would take me into his bed
and touch me
1072
01:12:00,875 --> 01:12:04,041
and rape me and violate me.
1073
01:12:05,916 --> 01:12:07,500
For his gratification.
1074
01:12:09,000 --> 01:12:11,916
And then, in the morning,
my mother would come and pick me up
1075
01:12:12,458 --> 01:12:13,500
and drive me home.
1076
01:12:14,875 --> 01:12:17,291
Never speaking, never talking.
1077
01:12:17,791 --> 01:12:21,916
What did I do in the car?
I was silent and I was quiet.
1078
01:12:23,875 --> 01:12:26,375
Always silent, always quiet.
1079
01:12:27,333 --> 01:12:29,708
And then it would happen again and again.
1080
01:12:31,375 --> 01:12:33,083
And then she would take Alex away.
1081
01:12:33,958 --> 01:12:35,416
I would be lying in my bed...
1082
01:12:35,500 --> 01:12:37,875
- [sobbing]
- ...in my room.
1083
01:12:38,625 --> 01:12:40,625
Alex wouldn't be there, he's my twin.
1084
01:12:41,125 --> 01:12:42,958
He would be staying with a friend.
1085
01:12:44,208 --> 01:12:47,166
And this was something
that was a normality in our life.
1086
01:12:47,375 --> 01:12:49,041
This was something we grew up with.
1087
01:12:49,875 --> 01:12:51,208
And we accept it.
1088
01:12:52,500 --> 01:12:53,708
Children accept it.
1089
01:12:54,208 --> 01:12:57,791
Children will accept anything
because they love their parents.
1090
01:12:58,583 --> 01:13:03,916
And they think that what their parents
is doing is part of growing up.
1091
01:13:06,000 --> 01:13:07,416
We don't have the capacity
1092
01:13:08,500 --> 01:13:09,708
to feel that we...
1093
01:13:10,541 --> 01:13:11,875
[tearfully] know it's wrong.
1094
01:13:12,375 --> 01:13:13,208
And...
1095
01:13:14,625 --> 01:13:15,458
[gulps]
1096
01:13:16,000 --> 01:13:18,416
[normal voice] even now,
all these years later,
1097
01:13:19,458 --> 01:13:20,791
I think to myself,
1098
01:13:21,666 --> 01:13:23,041
"Fuck you, Mother.
1099
01:13:23,166 --> 01:13:27,833
How fucking dare you think
that you can do that to me?"
1100
01:13:30,041 --> 01:13:33,791
But she's gone. She's died.
She's got away with it.
1101
01:13:35,125 --> 01:13:36,666
And I can't say that to her.
1102
01:13:38,000 --> 01:13:39,375
And I regret that.
1103
01:13:40,125 --> 01:13:41,583
I bitterly regret that.
1104
01:13:44,125 --> 01:13:44,958
[Gulps]
1105
01:13:45,500 --> 01:13:48,125
But now... I'm speaking out.
1106
01:13:49,125 --> 01:13:50,333
Now I'm telling you.
1107
01:13:50,958 --> 01:13:53,625
I've never met you all.
I don't know who you are.
1108
01:13:54,208 --> 01:13:58,333
[Tearfully] But you know who my mother is.
And you know what she's done is wrong.
1109
01:14:01,000 --> 01:14:03,625
[Exasperated sigh]
And that's very powerful.
1110
01:14:04,458 --> 01:14:05,416
And I need that.
1111
01:14:07,541 --> 01:14:08,625
We all need that.
1112
01:14:12,000 --> 01:14:12,833
[Exhales]
1113
01:14:13,416 --> 01:14:14,250
[sniffles]
1114
01:14:30,958 --> 01:14:31,875
[sighs]
1115
01:14:47,833 --> 01:14:49,833
[breathes deeply]
1116
01:14:54,750 --> 01:14:58,291
[leaves rustling]
1117
01:15:11,083 --> 01:15:13,083
[car engine starts]
1118
01:15:16,875 --> 01:15:18,875
[tires moving over gravel]
1119
01:15:28,875 --> 01:15:30,791
[car engine fading away]
1120
01:15:35,041 --> 01:15:37,041
[silence]
1121
01:15:44,666 --> 01:15:46,041
[chair dragging]
1122
01:15:46,125 --> 01:15:47,125
[Marcus exhales]
1123
01:16:00,833 --> 01:16:01,875
I knew some of that.
1124
01:16:02,833 --> 01:16:05,375
I guessed some of that.
I thought about some of that.
1125
01:16:07,125 --> 01:16:08,791
I just didn't know the magnitude of it.
1126
01:16:12,750 --> 01:16:14,250
I didn't know it was as big as that.
1127
01:16:14,333 --> 01:16:16,333
[Eerie music playing]
1128
01:16:23,500 --> 01:16:24,333
[exhales]
1129
01:16:30,000 --> 01:16:32,000
[rain pattering]
1130
01:16:41,041 --> 01:16:44,250
[Alex] How d-- how did we get out
of that house in one piece?
1131
01:16:48,333 --> 01:16:49,833
Do you want to hear about all that?
1132
01:16:50,958 --> 01:16:53,166
We're here now.
We're never gonna do this again.
1133
01:16:55,083 --> 01:16:56,416
[Grunts]
1134
01:16:57,833 --> 01:16:59,875
So, the last time that I was...
1135
01:17:01,541 --> 01:17:04,125
passed about, for want of a better word...
1136
01:17:06,083 --> 01:17:08,750
I was driven to London by Mommy.
1137
01:17:11,333 --> 01:17:14,500
She had dinner with this guy, an artist.
1138
01:17:16,125 --> 01:17:17,916
Supposedly quite a famous artist.
1139
01:17:18,583 --> 01:17:19,625
We had dinner.
1140
01:17:20,000 --> 01:17:21,000
She left.
1141
01:17:22,916 --> 01:17:24,458
And I stayed in the house.
1142
01:17:25,750 --> 01:17:30,208
And then he came into my-- into this room,
which was surrounded by paintings
1143
01:17:30,583 --> 01:17:31,875
and it had a four-poster bed,
1144
01:17:31,958 --> 01:17:34,291
and he got into into the bed
with me and started touching me.
1145
01:17:37,083 --> 01:17:39,916
[Clicks tongue]
And I was 14 years old.
1146
01:17:41,541 --> 01:17:45,250
And once he got down to my genitals...
1147
01:17:46,791 --> 01:17:49,000
I sat up in bed and I said, "No.
1148
01:17:50,833 --> 01:17:53,125
I don't want this. I don't like this."
1149
01:17:53,833 --> 01:17:55,000
And I pushed him away,
1150
01:17:55,541 --> 01:17:58,791
and he got very aggressive.
And I managed to get out of his house.
1151
01:18:01,125 --> 01:18:03,708
- And I got home.
- How did you get home?
1152
01:18:05,625 --> 01:18:06,875
How's that even possible?
1153
01:18:07,666 --> 01:18:10,541
I walked down to the tube.
1154
01:18:12,083 --> 01:18:15,708
I jumped on a tube with no money,
but you could do in those days.
1155
01:18:16,291 --> 01:18:18,041
I got onto the train with no money.
1156
01:18:19,583 --> 01:18:20,708
And I walked home.
1157
01:18:29,833 --> 01:18:32,458
And I came in, I knocked on the window,
and you let me in.
1158
01:18:33,666 --> 01:18:36,708
I got into my bed and I went to sleep.
1159
01:18:40,250 --> 01:18:43,250
- And the next day we carried on--
- What the hell did Mommy say to that then?
1160
01:18:43,333 --> 01:18:45,458
How-- She didn't even know
you were in the house?
1161
01:18:46,458 --> 01:18:49,375
Nothing. I came up in the morning.
We had breakfast.
1162
01:18:49,833 --> 01:18:51,875
She looked very surprised
that I was there.
1163
01:18:53,625 --> 01:18:56,833
And I looked at her. And she looked at me.
1164
01:18:58,458 --> 01:18:59,875
And it never happened again.
1165
01:19:01,875 --> 01:19:04,625
- And that was the end of it, Ali.
- Without saying anything?
1166
01:19:04,833 --> 01:19:06,583
[Tearfully] Without saying anything.
1167
01:19:08,541 --> 01:19:09,625
[Mutters] Fuck.
1168
01:19:13,291 --> 01:19:15,166
And she never did it to you again.
1169
01:19:16,000 --> 01:19:19,083
You never left.
You never were out of the house again.
1170
01:19:20,083 --> 01:19:21,291
And it was finished.
1171
01:19:22,958 --> 01:19:23,791
[Gulps]
1172
01:19:24,833 --> 01:19:26,083
That's how it stopped.
1173
01:19:27,375 --> 01:19:28,208
[Sighs]
1174
01:19:47,333 --> 01:19:49,333
[breathes deeply]
1175
01:19:51,291 --> 01:19:52,625
Now you've got everything.
1176
01:19:54,208 --> 01:19:55,583
You've got everything, Ali.
1177
01:19:58,250 --> 01:19:59,333
That's what I needed.
1178
01:20:01,083 --> 01:20:02,166
That's what I needed.
1179
01:20:03,625 --> 01:20:04,458
Yeah.
1180
01:20:05,000 --> 01:20:07,000
No more lies! No more lies.
1181
01:20:07,958 --> 01:20:10,208
No more silence. No more secrets.
1182
01:20:14,666 --> 01:20:17,958
And I have you back... with me.
1183
01:20:22,625 --> 01:20:23,458
[Exhales]
1184
01:20:25,416 --> 01:20:27,416
[both crying]
1185
01:20:35,625 --> 01:20:36,541
[groans]
1186
01:20:37,916 --> 01:20:38,791
[sobs]
1187
01:20:45,416 --> 01:20:47,416
[birds chirping]
1188
01:21:04,541 --> 01:21:07,541
[Alex] There is no way for me to repay him
for what he's done.
1189
01:21:12,750 --> 01:21:14,750
And there is no words I can say to him.
1190
01:21:18,875 --> 01:21:19,791
But he knows.
1191
01:21:21,041 --> 01:21:22,041
And that's enough.
1192
01:21:29,625 --> 01:21:30,583
It's over.
1193
01:21:32,083 --> 01:21:33,041
Finally.
1194
01:21:36,833 --> 01:21:37,833
And we move on.
1195
01:21:54,041 --> 01:21:56,041
[Soft piano music playing]
92525
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