All language subtitles for Superstore s06e06 Biscuit.eng

- It is so nice
to be out of quarantine

and back running this store.

God, I so missed talking
to real people.

You know, sometimes I pretended

that the Nativity figurines
in my garage

were you guys.

You were the baby Jesus.

- That's...great.
Thank you.

- Hey, sorry about that.

I got lost hate-watching
a James Corden clip

at the gas pump.

- Ooh, I love him.

He has a British accent,

but you can tell
he's not smarter than you.

- Hey, I thought you'd be back
in your blue polo today.

Not that it matters.
- [sighs]

What am I doing?
I totally spaced.

You know what?
I'll change after the meeting.

- Oh, no rush.
Okay.

We've got a really exciting
COVID announcement.

- Oh, my God, is it over?

I don't know about you guys,
but COVID has been,

like, super annoying for me.

- Huh, yeah,
now that you mention it,

I'd have to give it
a thumbs down.

- No, it's that we no longer
have to sanitize

the conveyor belts
after every customer.

Just hourly.

- Actually, Dina already
told us that.

- Yeah, I covered the COVID
protocols yesterday.

Everyone is up to speed.

- Okay, how did you even
see that email?

'Cause that's
for managers only.

- They must've left me
on the list.

It was probably an oversight.

I'll make sure
they take me off.

- Okay, well, whenever
you get around to it.

Though, you know,
I wouldn't leave it too long.

Maybe you could do it when
you go to change pretty soon.

- Hey, Dina,

somebody parked their Volvo
in your spot.

- No, Ken, that's my car.
That's the managers spot.

- Oh, I thought
it looked familiar.

Anyway, Dina,
don't worry about it.

They're towing it right now.

- They towed my car!?

[upbeat music]

♪

- Hey, guys.

I'm collecting donations.

My vet said my cat, Biscuit,
needs balloon valvuloplasty.

- What is that?
Like, implants?

- No, it's more
of a lifesaving thing.

Anyway, we're still 900 short

after the $5 coupon we got

from liking their page
on Facebook,

so if anybody wants
to chip in...

[change clinking]

- Aw, I forgot my wallet.

This shape in my pocket
is a Clif Bar.

- I'm low on cash.

You know, 'cause
everything's digital now.

- That's it.
Hold the line.

- I get it.

I mean, Biscuit is
kinda like a daughter to me,

but I guess putting down
your daughter

is just a part of life.

- Damn, are you trying
to raise money or win an Oscar?

[laughs]

Sorry, I should've saved that
for a private text.

- I'll chip in.
Here's 20--

no, 40.

- Wow, thank you.

- I'd feel guilty too
if I tried to kill that cat.

- This isn't about that.

Guys, we're a family,

and we have to be there
for each other,

and Sandra would be there
for any of us

if we had a gross, sick cat.

- I guess that's a valid point

from Carol,

and it looks like I don't have
anything smaller than a 20.

So good.

- I mean, Tita Irma has
hella cataracts right now,

but sure,
let me spend my money on this.

- Way to get the ball rolling,
Carol.

- Look, get out of here.
I'll see you tomorrow.

[chuckles]

- Where's Nia going?

- Oh, I'm sending her home.

Food poisoning.
Yeah.

Flooding in the attic
and the basement.

- Okay, but it's
the manager's job

to dismiss people.

- Oh, Glenn,
you're overthinking this.

No, I'm not trying
to be the manager.

I just came into the bathroom,
found her yakking,

and so I'm sending her home.

- Yeah, but still,
it should be me.

Nia, could you come back here
for a minute?

- Yeah, what's up?
- Yeah, sorry.

I just wanna check
a few things before you go.

What kind of symptoms
have you been having?

- I've already been
through this with her.

- Yeah, I honestly think
I just need to see the doctor.

- I'd say you just need
to see the manager.

So, um, have you been
feeling feverish?

You know, any chills?

Knuckle stiffness?

- Stiff knuckles?
Which would indicate...

- Well, you don't
wanna have 'em,

I can tell you that.

- My knuckles are fine.

- And--and--and the food
that you ate,

was it sort of smelling funky
like a rotting meat

with, like, a skin sorta--

- Oh, God!
[retches]

- Oh, God.

Kay, manager's assessment
is over.

Uh, you may go home.
- [retches]

- Hi there.

I would like to return this.

- Yeah, we don't take
people's personal inventions.

- Oh, no,
it's a dialysis machine.

I don't need it anymore.

My transplant took,

and I'm producing
an obscene amount of urine.

- Okay, well,
we don't sell those here,

so you're just gonna
have to take it back

to wherever you got it.

- Well, actually,
the new Cloud 9 policy states

that any item sold by Zephra

or a Zephra subsidiary

must be accepted as a return.

See that?
See?

- Uh, okay.

I mean, I'm assuming
that that is what it says.

Where did you get it?

- Ojai Medical,

which is owned
by Malachite Solutions,

whose parent company
is...Zephra.

- Okay, didn't realize Zephra
was in the medical game.

Also never cared
or thought about it.

- So let's do this, my man.

- On it.
Just give me one second here.

[keys clacking]
[computer beeps]

Hmm.
[computer beeps]

Wait.
[computer beeps]

Why is it...wait.

Oh.
[computer beeps]

- Maybe you need
to call on somebody

who's a little more tech savvy.

- What?
I am tech savvy.

Okay, I have three monitors
at home.

I haven't minimized a window
in four years.

Okay, why don't you just go

browse around the store
for a little bit?

- Right, yeah, I go browse,
maybe I find a towel I like,

I buy it, then you're laughing
all the way to the bank.

- Yes, I benefit greatly
from you buying a towel.

- ♪ Turn around,
your back on each other ♪

♪ Ooh

- Hey, Cheyenne,
if you had a work issue

you needed to resolve,
you'd come see me, right?

- Yeah,
if I couldn't find Dina.

- But I'm the manager!

God, I mean, if Dina's
gonna handle everything,

I don't even know
what I'm doing here.

I should go back to my garage.

- Aw, no.
We totally need you here.

Like, you know,
to sign for things

and tell us how much
milk used to cost.

- Okay, I just wish Dina would
stick to loss prevention.

That is her thing.

- Yeah, she's obsessed.

One time she chased a guy
who was stealing a phone,

and he crashed into an endcap,

and his knee, like,
popped through his skin.

Oh, there was, like,
knee goo everywhere.

She was literally glowing.

- Yeah, yeah.

She really does love security.

Maybe she just needs
a little reminder.

Cheyenne?

- Oh, yeah.
Sorry.

I was still thinking about
that guy's exploded kneecap.

I'd show you a photo,

but the stupid paramedics were
blocking most of the shots.

.

- Dina?

I just found this in the store.

We need to deal
with that immediately.

- "This is a threat.
The store is in grave danger."

- Grave danger!

That's, like,
the worst kind of danger.

You know, we need
to beef up security,

get this place on lockdown

till we figure out
what is going on.

Well, I mean, you do,
'cause you're head of security.

- I don't know about this.

I mean,
it's a pretty short message,

and there aren't even
any demands.

- Huh.
Maybe they were in a rush.

More to factor in
to your investigation.

- Cut out letters
from a magazine?

What is this, "Scooby-Doo"?

Nah, I think someone's
just screwing with us.

Probably a kid
or, you know, an adult

with a recent
traumatic brain injury.

[laughs]

Some dumbass spent
a half an hour on that thing.

- [sighs]

You didn't have to crumple it.

- Hey, guys.

I thought you all should know,

20 minutes ago at 1:37 P.M.,

Biscuit took her last breath.

[group gasping and awing]
- Aw, damn.

- I'm so sorry, Sandra.

We all wish we could just
rip that pain out of your body,

shove up right up
inside ourselves,

and claim it as our own.

- Yeah.

Maybe.

- Thanks.

I need to handle
some of her affairs,

but I really appreciate
all of your support.

- [sighs]

- God, that is so sad.

- Yep, yep.

Real sad.

- So when she says
Biscuit didn't make it,

do we think
the cat had the procedure

and didn't survive

or that it died beforehand?

- It does seem unlikely

that a procedure would be
scheduled so quickly.

- Which means she probably
didn't get a chance

to use the money
we all gave her.

Not that that's my focus
right now.

- This is bunk, man!
- I want my 40 bucks back.

That's two seasons
of "Ray Donovan" on Blu-ray.

- See?
This is why they say

never spend money
on a coworker's pet.

- [stammers]
That's, like, a saying?

- What the hell, Bo?

You can't keep having
Titus and Frisco over.

They ruin all our stuff!

Frisco already jacked up
our toilet by flushing a scarf.

- Well, that was
a different Frisco!

- Sorry, Glenn.

Bo's friends are just
being lunatics.

- I can't help it that my
friends are all wild and stuff.

- You know, Bo, if your friends
are really that crazy,

I might have
a proposition for them,

but it would need
to stay between us.

- Yeah, I got you.

Okay, what you got,
White Mamba?

- Well, I was just wondering,
you know,

if maybe they'd be up
for a little mischief.

You know,
being a little naughty.

- Yo, not to be rude
or anything,

but I don't think my boys would
be down to bang some old dude.

- What!?
- Okay, I don't know.

Maybe if the price is right.
I don't know. I'll ask 'em.

- What?
No, chill, Bo.

This isn't a sex thing.

I don't think.
- It isn't.

No, we're--
[sighs]

We're checking store security

for weaknesses
so we can improve.

You know, and I just thought
maybe your friends could

come around and see
what they can get away with.

- Yeah, okay.
I feel you.

We got you on this, all right?
I'll hit 'em up.

- Okay, great.

But to be clear,

I am not interested
in having sex with anyone

other than my wife, Jerusha.

- You want me to put that
out there too?

- No, I get
that that's the code

for the dialysis machine
in Zephra's system,

but on Cloud 9's computer,
it only comes up as grapes.

Who cares what kind of grapes?
- Hey.

Did you know
that Megan Fox hates salmon?

- Shh.

Look, I already talked
to logistics.

Okay, well,
maybe they miraculously came up

with an answer to my question
since 20 minutes ago.

- Oh, they're finally
replacing you

with a robot, huh?

- [laughs sarcastically]
Very funny.

No, I've just been
spending all morning

trying to help this dude return
an entire medical device.

It's just taking me a little
while to figure this out.

- Oh, wow.

I always thought that you were,
like, a tech whiz or something,

but I guess I was
dead wrong on that.

- No, I am, but you can't
just change the return policy

without telling the people
who do the damn returns.

- Okay, calm down, slugger.
I'll get Preeti over here.

She's a whiz.
Hey, Preeti!

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't need to do that.

I got this, okay?

It's just--
I'm basically almost done.

Seriously.

- Well, if you're sure.

Never mind, Preeti!

I thought I had a use

for your computer science
degree, but nope.

Keep mopping up that blood.

- Hey, girl,
how you holding up?

- Yeah, we are so sorry.

- Thanks. I'm okay.

- Great.
That's really great.

I mean, not great.

Biscuit is still...

so how did it all go down?

You know, like, I'm just trying
to wrap my head around

the exact chain of events.

- Jonah, come on.

The last thing
Sandra needs right now

is to relive Biscuit's
expensive procedure.

- Actually, Biscuit didn't
get to have the procedure.

She was with Jerry when she
just kind of keeled over.

- Oh.

- You guys are probably
wondering what happened

to all that money
y'all donated.

- What?
No.

We would--no, that did not even
cross our minds.

- Forgot if I even put in any.

- I don't remember if--

- I did.
I definitely chipped in. I did.

- [laughs]
Well, don't worry.

The money went to a good place.

It's Biscuit.

- Uh, what?

- The vet's office recommended
this thing called eternalizing

where they take
your pet's remains,

and they turn it
into a diamond.

Now she'll be with me forever.

Isn't that amazing?

- Wow, look what you did there.
That's...

that is just...

wow...

.

- We didn't give her
money for a diamond.

I wouldn't even buy myself
a diamond

even though it goes
perfectly with my brand.

- Look, guys,
maybe we should just

cut Sandra a little slack.

You know, she's grieving.

- I'm grieving the $4
I kicked in.

- You only gave four?

- I gave two $2 bills, man.
That's a big deal.

- Okay, we need to get
our money back.

Maybe she could ask
for a refund.

- How's that gonna work?

"Here, I'm giving back
the diamond

that has fried pieces
of my cat in it."

- Let's all just relax, okay?

I mean, one way to look at it
is, we all donated

so that Biscuit could be around
a little bit longer,

and now Biscuit's around
for eternity,

so, you know, good return
on our investment.

- I totally get
why Amy left you.

- Okay, you know what,
if you're so fired up,

why don't you go up to Sandra
and demand the money back?

- Fine.

Someone has to take charge.

- You go, boy.
- Yes.

- That's what
I'm talking about.

- You're the man.
- Immigrants.

We get the job done.

- We?

- My family is Swedish
or something.

- Man, Bo's the best.

We're gonna be legends
after this.

- I know right?
"Oops! All Berries"?

More like
"Oops! All Babadooks."

- Hey, criminals.

Yeah, I'll take that
as a confession.

- Hey, lady,
you gotta social distance!

I have a roommate who's 37.
- It's not safe.

- It's a critical danger zone.
- What's going on here?

- These two morons have been
defacing the entire store

by putting up all these
pictures of Diane Keaton,

but you chose the wrong woman

in the wrong store
on the wrong day.

Wrong for you.

For me it would be right woman,
right store--just go.

Move it.
- Yeah, let 'em have it, Dina.

You sink your teeth into this
juicy security situation.

Take all the time you need!

- You've made a wise choice.

Ojai Medical
is the ultimate source

for all your medical needs.

- Well, I don't really have
a medical need.

I'm just retail worker

who's trying to return
a dialysis machine.

The OM OptiFlow 800.
- Sure.

The OptiFlow 800
is a revolution

in the world of hemodialysis.

With integrated
bolus tracking,

it's never easier--

- Hey, no, no, no.
Look.

I don't care how it works

or what kind of tracking
it has.

- Integrated bolus tracking.

- Right. I don't care.

I just need the product number
so I can get on with my life.

What?

Are you seriously trying
to return that right now?

- Yeah, I bought it
at DCI Marine,

but the website said
I could return it here.

- Hope you're not in a hurry.

[whispers]
I think he's new.

- Come on.

- Look, Sandra,
we need to talk.

- [sniffles]
What's up?

- Uh...

When you see
the diamond up close,

it really is gorgeous.

I was like, "Is this Sandra
or Mariah Carey?"

- I thought you were
the mean one.

- I am.
I'm vicious!

This morning I told Justine,

her hair looks like spaghetti
that's been left in the pot.

- What?
No you didn't.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
[laughs]

I was thinking it.
I guess I didn't say it.

- Guys, we did a good deed.

Okay, let's just leave it
at that.

Not everything has
to be about money.

- I'll try and remember that

when I'm not watching
"Ray Donovan."

[sighs]

- ♪ 'Cause I ain't the way
you found me ♪

♪ And I'll never be the same

- See, I told you my boys
would hook you up.

- I can't thank you enough.

This worked out even better
than I had hoped.

I have never seen Dina
so jazzed.

- Tight.

Yeah, you think
she's jazzed now?

She's about to have
a freaking jazzeurysm.

[imitates explosion]

- [laughs]
Yeah, what does that mean?

- Oh, you know what?
Since you're my boss-in-law,

I decided to give you
the VIP package.

Told my boys Titus and Frisco
to put the word out there

you're trying to find
security flaws

and that people should
just go buck!

- Uh, wait, how many people
are gonna go buck?

- Oh, don't worry.
Plenty, yeah.

'Cause Titus reached out
to his old crystal dealer,

Straight Josh.

I don't even mess
with that guy.

He once killed an ice cream man
in the daytime

'cause of sprinkles.

- Wha--oh, no.
No, no, no, no.

You gotta tell them

that the security test
is canceled, okay?

Or that it's at Big Lots.

Tell them
that it's at Big Lots.

- Uh, no, I think
it's too late, you know?

They're already on their way
and stuff, so...

hey, maybe I can get
a free hot dog as a thank you?

Uh, 'scuse me, I'm just
confirming my free hot dog.

.

- See this?

This is to ensure that
everything that happens

in this room comports
not only with corporate policy,

but also Missouri state law.

Huh.
Wow.

I got this out
of the returns bin.

I guess it's defective,
just like the two of you!

- Unnecessary.

- What was the plan,
fudge stain?

Huh?
Post this online?

Get internet famous?
Please.

It's all about
chugging cranberry juice

to Fleetwood Mac now.

- [whispers] Dang, they take
this crap way serious.

- Something you'd like to share
with the class, turd melon?

- Oh, it's just, Bo didn't say
that this security test

was gonna be so intense.
- Yeah.

- It's kinda dope though.
It's like an escape room.

- Oh, those are fun.

- Wait, Bo?
You two know Bo?

- Yeah, he said the manager
needed people to come, like,

mess up the store to, like,
find the weak spots and stuff.

- Weak sp...
that son of a bitch.

Glenn did this to keep me
out of his way.

- Oh, it sounds like you two
need to talk.

- Dude, I'm, like, in love
with this chick.

- Hell yeah.

- Well, took me
a while to figure out

how to square the interfaces

and set up a proxy server,

but we are all set,

and you guys can get back

to your very specific lives.

- This says it's a return

for 305 bunches
of green grapes.

- Yeah, mine says
it's for grapes too.

This isn't fraud, is it?

'Cause my probation doesn't
give me a lot of wiggle room.

- Yeah, you know what?
I wouldn't worry about it.

That's just internal
tech jargon, you know?

SMIs and SKU readouts,
grapes, reverse grapes.

Those are the ones that'll
really give you trouble.

[crashing]
[all gasp]

What the hell?

[rock music]

- [grunting]

[crowd screaming]

- Wait, please stop!

Ooh!
- [grunts]

- Go, go, go!
- Damn.

Titus and Frisco
really hooked it up!

- I know.
Maybe we should hire them

to dox that crossing guard
we hate.

- No!

Oh, Dina,
you gotta do something.

They're tearing
this place apart.

- Save it; I know
what's really going on, okay?

Wow, how many dirtbags
did you get in on this thing?

All right, everybody,
great performances,

but you can all go home
to your futons!

- No, Dina, these are
real gang members.

They killed an ice cream man.

- Okay, sure, you want me
to play this out with you?

No problem.
No, no, no!

You're gonna get
into big trouble

because you're a criminal

and not just a member
of an improv troupe!

- [bleep] off, lady.

- Ah, profanity.
That's a nice touch.

- Dina, he is
actually stealing that.

You need to do something.

- I know, but he's just
so intimidating.

It's almost like I feel like
I have to help him.

Here, I'll give you a hand.

- No, Dina!

- Where's he having you
stash this stuff?

Out by the garden center?

- We just finished stocking
those blenders too.

- Aah!
- Hey, hey!

- Our diamond!

Biscuit!

- They probably put
very little Biscuit

in there anyway.

[downbeat music]

♪

- Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, they are gonna fire me.

- [sighs]
In retrospect,

I probably shouldn't have
helped steal that minifridge.

Or the washer/dryer combo.

The second minifridge.

- Oh, God, I could go
to jail for this!

And then my cellmate is
gonna ask to borrow my comb,

and I won't be able to say no.

- Take a breath, man.
You're not getting fired.

Okay?

I'll amortize the shrink
over the next year

and borrow overstock
from the Quincy branch.

The manager and I follow

the same Korean
softball league.

- Wow, okay.

What if the ruffians come back?

- Not to worry,
I've been texting with Titus,

and he's handling it
on the street.

That kid would literally do
anything for me.

- You are really saving
my rump.

- Well, you still got

a few usable brain cells
rattling around.

- [chuckles]

You know this job is a lot.

And I'm still trying to keep
my stress level down.

Do you think maybe we could,
you know,

talk corporate into some sort
of comanager arrangement?

I mean, if you'd be open to it.

Sort of a "two heads are
better than one" thing?

- Animals born with two heads
usually die almost immediately,

but sure.

I'm honored you asked me.

- I'm honored you'd accept.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, hey, guys,
I don't know if you heard,

but Sandra's cat died
yesterday,

and then her diamond necklace
got stolen,

so a few us are collecting
money to help her out.

- Cheyenne, I mean this
in the nicest way:

get the hell away from me
with that jar.

- What's this about?

[Estelle and Janelle Monáe's
"Do My Thing"]

- ♪ Hey

♪ Hey, hey, hey

- ♪ Whoo!
- ♪ Uh!

♪ Well, I wear my clothes
like this ♪

♪ Because I can
- ♪ Because I can

- ♪ And I wear my hair
like this because I can ♪

- Excuse me, I was told
I'd find the manager back here.

- We are the manager.
- Right here.

- This is to inform you

that you are being served
with legal papers

in the matter of
Carol Malloon v. Cloud 9.

Thank you.

- Do we know a Carol Malloon?

- Yeah, Carol!
Carol Carol.

- Oh.
Oh, right.

We electrocuted her.
Yeah, a lawsuit makes sense.

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