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1
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I'm a sick man. Last night, after three years of chasing Elliot,
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I convinced her to dump her perfect boyfriend and
then immediately realized I don't want her.
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What the hell's wrong with me?
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Luckily she doesn't have to get up until 9 and she's an incredibly heavy sleeper.
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Ooh! Ooh! Ooog!
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An incredibly heavy sleeper.
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Wow.
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I knew I needed to talk this over with someone who understood me.
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Someone I had recently been intimate with.
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Yeah?
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Okay, not him.
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J.D., this is Larry. Larry, this is J.D.
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I think I'll go put on some underwear.
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Please, Larry!
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What the hell you doing with that guy?
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I don't know. I thought it'd be cool to date a celebrity.
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He's not a celebrity!
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Wait a second!
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Are you the Soup Nazi from 'Seinfeld'?
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No.
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Say the soup thing.
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No!
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Dammit!
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Turk! We're getting married tomorrow!
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Yeah....
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Why aren't you excited?
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'Cause, baby, we've been here for an hour
and you've already said it like thirteen times.
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But we're getting married tomorrow!!!!
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Have you been working on your vows?
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Define "work."
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It's the difference between special birthday
sex and no sex on our wedding night.
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Yeah, I do like the special birthday sex.
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Turk, when I asked you if you wanted to
write your own vows, you said yes.
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Baby, I'm on top of it, all right? I promise
you this weekend'll go off without a hitch!
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Oh, hey, how did it go picking up my
brother at the airport this morning?
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I'm sorry, what?
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How could you forget him!?
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You two have enough trouble getting along as it is!
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Baby, I'm joking!
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Aww.
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Hey, Marco! The invites said no dates!
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No da--....
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Look, Danni, the reason I'm here is
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well, first of all I wanted to give you back your skull lighter.
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Secondly, you always seem to have some insight in to why I'm so messed up.
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I mean here I-I chase after Elliot for three years, now I don't want her!
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Well maybe it's 'cause you idealize women
and no one can live up to your standards.
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Why would I idealize women?
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What's your mom like?
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I love you, honey.
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You're the smartest, handsomest, sweetest boy in the whole world.
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And no matter how hard you look, you will never
find a woman who'll love you as much as I do.
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I know, Mommy.
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My mom is perfect.
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Look, kid, you're just confused.
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All you need to do is focus on the little things you love about her.
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Like...the way she puts out a cigarette...
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or how when she finishes a beer, she looks
inside the can just to check if there's any left.
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Hm?
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Sweetie, it's 5 to 9, and my Denver omelet's not gonna make itself.
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It's 5 to 9?! I gotta go!
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Oh, he is so the Soup Nazi! Trick him!
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What is it again? It's like, you're out of luck in the soup department?
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NO SOUP FOR YOU!
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Ha! Rad.
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Oooog! Ow!
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What are you doing?
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Just lying here, watching you sleep.
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Awww.
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I don't think my hang-up with Elliot has anything to do with my sexy, amazing mom.
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And I'm not that much of a commitophobe.
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Maybe I just don't feel I deserve someone as
great as Elliot because I have low self-esteem.
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Do you know that you have really nice hands?
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"Nice"? Elliot, these are the hands of a god!
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Heh!
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Fine, so it's not the self-esteem thing.
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Then Elliot and I got to witness an event that
many had spoken of, but none had ever seen.
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The arrival of the janitors!
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Good morning!
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Is it? Is it really?
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No, I was--I was kidding.
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I'd stay out of his way today. He just lost the election for union president.
83
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Who won?
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Congratulations, sir.
85
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Hey.
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Welcome to work, boys! Be the best janitors you can be today!
87
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No hard feelings, brah.
88
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Oh, there's hard feelings.
89
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Grrrrrrrrrrr...hah! Eh?
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All right.
91
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Nyah! What the? Oh! It's like a mechanical vice!
92
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Change is good.
93
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Sweetheart, I slept like a log.
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Really. See, I didn't notice, 'cause I was up all night with Jack.
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Tell me this: How do you not scare him when you go in there?
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Do you wear a nanny mask, or do you just slap
on a nametag that says "Hi, I'm your mommy"?
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I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey.
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Which reminds me -- Jimmy's mom called,
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and if you guys win the big game today, she's
gonna take everybody to Chuck E. Cheese!
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Say the word and I'll go out and buy a whole new wardrobe;
101
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and to pay for it we'll just sell one of your shoes!
102
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Great! We made him cry!
103
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If we keep this up, we're gonna scar him for life!
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I don't necessarily buy into all that new agey crap.
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One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan.
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You know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.
107
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I am not fighting with you anymore. Ever!
108
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How 'bout this way: I love that you get
cold when it's seventy-one degrees out.
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I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
110
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I love that you get a little crinkle above your
nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.
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I love that after I spend a day with you, I
can still smell your perfume on my clothes.
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And I love that you are--
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TuPac! I was watching that!
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Dude! I gotta do my vows!
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Oh, come on, man! That was 'When Harry Met Sally' -- it was a classic!
116
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Oh, yeah, dude! You know, I was gonna rent that the other night,
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but then I remembered I'm a heterosexual.
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Too bad you couldn't remember to go to the airport.
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You told her?
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Yes, Turk, he did.
121
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Now, if you two can stop your petty crap for just one second,
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maybe we can focus on what this wedding weekend is supposed to be about.
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Love.
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No! ME!
Promise me you'll get along.
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Okay.
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Idiot.
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Tattletale.
128
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Get outta my face.
129
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What?
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I'm just saying the next person that gets
in my face is gonna wish they hadn't.
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Sociopath!
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Catch me, stud!
133
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You know, most guys woulda caught me.
134
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I love that you didn't!
135
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Oh! Cool!
136
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Maybe Elliot's just not the right fit for me. I mean,
I'm the kinda guy who likes stupid movies.
137
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Hey, let's rent 'Kangaroo Jack' tonight!
138
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And I have uncontrollable hostility towards small rodents.
139
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Or we could just go shoot rats at the dump!
140
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Dammit, she's perfect on paper! What the hell's wrong with me?
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What?
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Nothing. I just love the way you drift off in your head sometimes.
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I guess the Soup Nazi was right, it is the little things that are important.
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Like when Elliot blows the bangs out of her face.
145
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Or how she's the only person I know who sneezes with her eyes open.
146
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Atchoo. Ahem. 'Scuse me.
147
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And that's when I realized that I really liked all
those things about Elliot, but I didn't love them...
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and I didn't love her.
149
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You're the best.
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See you later.
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Oh, boy.
152
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Oh, my God! That board meeting went on forever!
153
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It was so dull, I had to read pamphlets just to stay awake.
154
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Good news is? Don't have testicular cancer.
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Tell me, did ya happen to come across any pamphlets on people who
156
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only work eight days a year and then spend the other 357 whining about it?
157
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What part of "I'm not fighting with you anymore" do you not get?
158
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If you want someone to fight with, you
have to find someone else. Mm-hmm.
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Oh, good. Here you're wetting down the floor for the older folks.
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Please say that you're talking to me.
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I don't see anybody else around, soap jockey.
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Chew louder.
163
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Turk, I need your help, man. It's about Elliot.
164
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Why, did you sleep with her again?
165
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How does everybody know about this?
166
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Turk, I'm not in love with her, man. What am I supposed to do?
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It's killing me that I could be hurting her.
168
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You're a very loud chewer.
169
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Dude, I would love to help right now, but
I'm in the middle of writing my vows.
170
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And all I've got so far is, "Let's give it up for the caterers!
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WOO! Good chicken!"
172
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So now that you're gettin' married, it's all about you.
173
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No, now that I'm getting married tomorrow, it's about me.
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Ooh, still seems that you can take a minute for a friend.
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I know!
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Shut up, Marco!
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That was a mistake.
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Why's that? Because you're afraid you can't take me?
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Nnnooo. It's 'cause of this. Boys!
180
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You know where to take him.
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Where to take me?
182
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Wait, who's taking me wh--? Maintenance? Maintenance? Uh-oh.
183
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We-hey. ___ now. The maintenance brothers!
184
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That was Father Paul. He said we can't read our own vows,
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we have to use the same Catholic ones like everyone else.
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No!
187
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Yeah.
188
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Noooo!
189
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Aw, baby, Carla, that sucks. 'Cause you know,
190
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I was gonna totally blow you away.
191
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Since you guys worked so hard,
192
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why don't you just read 'em at the rehearsal dinner tonight?
193
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That's a fantastic idea!
194
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Isn't it, Turk?
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Super!
196
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Awesome! I'm gonna go work on them some more.
197
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Unfortunately for me, I wasn't in love with Elliot.
198
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But I'm a man, and even though it was gonna
be tough, I knew exactly what I had to do.
199
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Ready to go? I say we pick up some
Chinese and hang at home tonight.
200
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Awesome!
201
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I was going to stay with her for the rest of my life.
202
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Once you embrace a relationship and decide that you're really in,
203
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everything becomes easier. And I am in, baby!
204
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So, my parents are coming to town next week.
205
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We must eat with them!
206
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,300
Oh. All right.
207
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Hey, Elliot. Thanks for letting me crash at your place
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while Carla's family's in town for the wedding.
209
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Oh, it's not problem. See ya, roomie.
210
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And now we live together.
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00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:21,000
What the?
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Sheila!
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Aaagh!
214
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Lgh mm ogh rm um ghna kghl ghu!
215
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:29,400
I can only assume you're saying "Let me out
or I'm gonna kill ya" -- not gonna happen.
216
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:32,400
Listen, I'm in a rare position of power here, okay?
217
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So I'm only gonna let you out if you admit that you're my mentor.
218
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I know! I know that makes you angry, but--
219
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Uh-oh!
220
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Okay! Okay! You know, I'm fine the
other way! However you wanna do--
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Dr. Cox.
222
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Why is your mouth red?
223
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Duct-taped two hours in a morgue drawer;
224
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don't piss off the Janitor; end of story.
225
00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:58,700
...'Kay... I'm ordering more pens. Do you
like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
226
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I can't imagine anything I care less about.
227
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:04,500
Damn these twisty bottoms. We need some more clicky tops.
228
00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:05,500
Not gonna happen, Bob.
229
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:08,100
Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms.
230
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Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?
231
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No, Bob. Everybody gets the same.
232
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Fine. I'll just take these.
233
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You just bought yourself four weekends on call!
234
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Damn twisty bottoms!
235
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You just said you didn't care. Why are you fighting?
236
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I can't stop!
237
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Baby, you mean so much to me. That's why you my baby.
238
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And, yeah, there were babies before you, but I promise you, baby,
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you will be my baby forever, baby.
240
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Stop saying "baby"!
241
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You're not even dressed yet!? We gotta
pick up Carla on the way, man!
242
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You know what, tell her I couldn't come up
with anything, so I guess I don't love her.
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Gimme that.
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For what?
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I'm gonna write your vows for you.
246
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,000
Ooh! A clicky top!
247
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,500
Does this mean we're amigos?
248
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:06,500
No. It means that I love my sister, and she deserves
to hear something beautiful said about her.
249
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,300
And I'm positive if your life was on the line,
250
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:12,300
you couldn't squeeze one eloquent coherent
thought out of that tether ball you call a head!
251
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:13,500
Thank you!
252
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:20,500
God, I can't remember the last time I saw you in this suit and tie.
253
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,800
How can you not remember that time we were with those--
254
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,200
Oh, God! With the two guys!
255
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,600
--the two guys, and their mom was trying to sing that song!
256
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:28,600
It was so funny!
257
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:29,400
So funny.
258
00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,900
Till they had to...put their horse down.
259
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,500
Oh, yeah....
260
00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:37,700
Poor Cinnamon.
261
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:40,800
He could run like the wind, but his tail couldn't put out that fire.
262
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,300
Yeah.
263
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:44,100
God, we have so much history together.
264
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,300
So great to finally be able to call you my boyfriend.
265
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:49,200
Boyfriend?
266
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,000
Oh, should I not have said that?
267
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,100
No it's just...it's nice to hear it out loud.
268
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,000
And it was nice.
269
00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:01,100
I mean, here I was having my tie tied by this beautiful woman
who happened to be one of my closest friends,
270
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:05,200
and I realized that this is what a relationship is supposed to feel like.
271
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:07,700
There. It's perfect.
272
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,700
Yeah, it is.
273
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:19,200
What's going on with you?
274
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:24,300
Let's see, Jordan and I aren't, uh...we're not fighting anymore.
275
00:14:24,300 --> 00:14:25,300
Oh, no.
276
00:14:25,300 --> 00:14:27,200
How long has this been going on?
277
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,400
Since the baby came along we've been fighting less and less.
278
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,500
Why don't you get a hotel room?
279
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:36,200
Pour some nice champagne, get in a tub, and rip each other new ones.
280
00:14:36,300 --> 00:14:37,800
You know, make it special.
281
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,300
She won't go for that!
282
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,100
Well, you have to do something.
283
00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:43,900
No I don't, you jackass!
284
00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:47,500
Ha ha! Sweetie, you ain't getting any here. I'm getting married tomorrow.
285
00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:48,400
Please?
286
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,500
No. No. No.
287
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:59,100
...And most of all, I wish our mom was with us tonight.
288
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:06,600
Not because she was taken too early, but because
she would see how happy you've made me,
289
00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:10,400
and she would love you forever for that.
290
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,000
And Christopher--
291
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:12,900
Yes?
292
00:15:12,900 --> 00:15:16,800
--I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but you've managed to erase them all,
293
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:21,000
because each and every one of them has led me to you.
294
00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:26,100
Wow. That's a hard act to follow.
295
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:35,600
Carla, I love that you get cold when it's seventy-one degrees out.
296
00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:39,700
I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
297
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:44,000
I love that you get a little crinkle above your
nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.
298
00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:45,300
Yeah, like you got right now! Just like that one!
299
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:51,200
I love that you're the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
300
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,300
Turk!
301
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,400
Dude, I'm workin' here.
302
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,900
And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's
not because it's our rehearsal dinner.
303
00:15:59,900 --> 00:16:04,900
I came here tonight because, when you realize you
wanna spend the rest of your life with someone,
304
00:16:04,900 --> 00:16:08,400
you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
305
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,500
Turk.
306
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:17,700
Yeah, baby?
307
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,500
That's the speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'.
308
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:28,900
Those pants make your ass look giant.
309
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,000
Stop doing this.
310
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,700
I'm doing it for us. You suck at Scrabble.
311
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:32,900
Do I look mad?
312
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,900
You got so much Botox in your expressionless face, I can't tell.
313
00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:37,500
Oh, is that a frown?
314
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:40,400
What else you got?
315
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,600
Well, when it's my turn to listen to the baby monitor,
316
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:44,700
I just wait till you're asleep and I turn it off!
317
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:47,100
Perry, give it up. There's nothing you can say!
318
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:47,900
Oh.
319
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:52,100
You and your mother are basically the same person.
320
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:56,400
What did you say!?
321
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:58,300
I'm gonna kill you!
322
00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:01,600
If you don't wanna fight in front of Jack anymore, I understand that.
323
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,300
But I don't think that means we gotta stop altogether.
324
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,900
I mean, Jordan, you are an unpredictable, passionate person,
325
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:09,600
and you challenge me each and every day.
326
00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:12,500
And, honestly, that's the reason I can imagine being with you
327
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:17,100
when I'm seventy and you're sixty-five and your
face is forty and your boobs are twenty-nine.
328
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,600
My face'll never look forty.
329
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:19,800
You're right, my bad.
330
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:27,100
Oh, my God. My future brother-in-law is an evil genius!
331
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,500
I'm gonna go, uh, check on "Sally"! Ha!
332
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,500
Okay, not funny yet.
333
00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:38,300
So I take it you haven't broken up with her yet.
334
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,100
Yeah, I decided to stay with her forever.
335
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:40,800
That's great, dude.
336
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,300
I know you think you're being nice, but I'm pretty sure
337
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,800
Elliot doesn't want to spend her life with someone who doesn't love her.
338
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,000
Oh, you know what?
339
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:49,400
If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go ahead and take relationship advice
340
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,500
from someone whose fiancee is currently speaking to him.
341
00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:52,100
Ohhhh!
342
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:52,800
Ohhhh-ho!
343
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:56,000
Gimme some champagne! I need a victory sip!
344
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:57,500
Cheers.
345
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:00,100
You're making a big mistake.
346
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:02,400
Come on, man. Elliot and I are like best friends.
347
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,700
We love hanging out with each other. Maybe that's love.
348
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:07,600
I mean, who--who knows what love really is?
349
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:12,500
I do. J.D., when I look at Carla, I see the future.
350
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:17,700
I see kids, I see minivans, I see a beer gut -- on me, of course, not her.
351
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:18,600
I hope so.
352
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:20,200
But you know what's really weird?
353
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,700
None of that stuff scares me. Not even when--
354
00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:23,600
Turk.
355
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:24,700
Dude, I'm trying to make a point here.
356
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,500
I know. Maybe you should stand up and say that.
357
00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:29,800
Carla.
358
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:34,800
When I look into your eyes, I see the future.
359
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:42,800
I see kids, I see minivans...you name it, I see it.
360
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:51,000
The weird thing is, though, as long as I see
your smile, none of that stuff scares me.
361
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,300
Listening to Turk made me think a lot about love.
362
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,800
Like how sometimes it can be hard to understand.
363
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,800
Why didn't you tell me you felt that way, you dumbass?
364
00:19:01,900 --> 00:19:04,900
Because you're so much like your mother,
you wouldn'ta listened anyway.
365
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:13,600
No biting.
366
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:14,800
Just take it, you girl.
367
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:15,900
Mmm.
368
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,900
Other times, love's obvious to everyone.
369
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:20,400
...Anyway, uh...
370
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:26,600
...I may not ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me,
371
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:34,900
but I promise I will try to show you...for the rest of my life. I love you.
372
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:36,500
I love you.
373
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:40,700
Aren't they amazing?
374
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:43,500
I don't love you.
375
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,300
What?
376
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,700
Please don't cry.
377
00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:51,800
Oh, I won't.
378
00:19:55,700 --> 00:19:57,400
Oh-ho!
379
00:19:57,700 --> 00:20:01,100
Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1!
380
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,300
Oh, could I get a little more wine, please?
381
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:10,300
This chicken is fantastic!
30698
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