Original subtitles

Today's gonna be a great day. Still, no time to dilly-dally -- God,

that's a fun phrase -- I have to meet Dr. Cox in five...

Good God! Check out those dilly-dallies! That may be the future Mrs...

Okay, back to work. Because Dr. Cox has hand-selected me to help him

on a research project.

Hey, research buddy!

We're four seconds in and I'm already regretting my decision.

Things Jordan says during sex! Ha!

Are those the charts I wanted?

Noooo. They're the charts you wanted, plus! patient history charts

from the last ten years, which yours truly stayed up all night organizing

not only chronologically but by severity of condition.

There's a good chance I'm gonna kill someone.

Things you say when you talk to your patients.

Clever.

Ah, don't bother with that, Trish. You know, I've been getting my hair

cut by my barber, Big Frank, for seventeen years now. Is it because his

prices remained the same? No. Is it because I like the way his man-breasts

feel gently resting on my shoulders when he does my sideburns? A little,

yes. But, mainly, it's because, unlike you, he does just exactly what I tell

him to do. You see, it's my way or the highway, and since you've already

broken that dictum... you're out!

No, but wait!

I already got my shifts covered for the next two days! Besides,

where're you gonna find somebody else? You think Lonnie, my intern, gives a

rat's ass about acute thomrobotic thrombocytopenic purpura?

ATTP? It killed my father.

You're in.

It is gonna be so amazing working on the disease that tore my family apart.

Kiss ass.

I guess I could go home.... But there's plenty of important stuff I

need to do around here.

Hey, Laverne. What'd you give me if I get

this jelly bean into your cleavage?

A concussion.

Guys! Three long years of busting my hump at this place

and it has finally paid off!

You got the fellowship?

No! I get to be the clown in Pediatrics!

Heeeey! That old clown was really good.

So, uh, you got some really big shoes to fill!

Dammit, I'm funny!

YES! He hits it at the buzzer!

Oh, no he didn't.

Not worth it.

Dude, my tongue is totally dry. How many more of these wedding invites

do I have to lick?

Fine. Don't lick 'em.

Come on, don't get mad at Turk. What's really bugging me is that,

thanks to Dr. Cox, I've got nothing to do...

nothing to talk about...no stories to tell.

From the moment I woke up this morning, I have been freaking out about

getting married. Luckily, Carla's being cool.

Okay, this is your last chance to uninvite that slut

you went out with in high school.

She's married to my brother!

Isn't that convenient.

Thank God she thinks that hot chick, Tina, I invited is my cousin!

Well guess what! There's no blood there, baby!

Oh, and by the way, don't think for a second

that your "cousin" Tina's gonna be sitting at our table.

Oh, my God! She's in my head! It's okay....

Use it to your advantage....

Make me a grilled cheese sandwich, woman!

Make it yourself.

Thanks for driving me to work, man.

You kidding? I wanted to see the mailing of the invites! Once you drop

those suckers in, there's no turning back! I'm just mad I forgot my

camera.... Or did I?

Ha! Say goodbye to being single!

It's okay, sweetie, just drop them in here.

I don't wanna.

If you're nervous, come here and I'll tell you a secret that'll make

you feel better.

Come here. Come here.

Give me those invitations!

Sean, I'm just bummed that I'm so busy I might not be able to do this

clown thing today. I know I'm a doctor first, but what about that summer I

spent at clown academy? I mean, it's starting to seem like that was just a

giant waste of time. I wish you were here. I can't believe you've been in

New Zealand for 5 months.

I can't believe you still haven't figured out the time difference.

It's 4 A.M. here!

I'm sorry.... It's just I miss talking to you...I miss seeing you...

I even miss that weird way you sleep with your eyes open.

Sean? Sean!

Daaaamn, Elliot's got a nice ass for a white chick! Stop it! Just

'cause you're panicked about getting married doesn't mean you have to reduce

every woman to her physical attributes.

Oh, great, my new scary boss and her amazing chest, butt, feet....

I love feet.

Dr. Turk! This is Bryan. You'll be assisting me on his tumor debulking

this afternoon.

Wussuuuuuuuup, Bry-Bry! You, my friend, have just won the lottery. I'm

not saying I'm good, but if there was a surgeon awards show around here,

it'd be called The Turkies. You know what I'm sayin'?

You don't have to know what he's sayin' -- none of us do.

Mmmm....may I have a quick moment?

Mm, excuse us.

What now, you mean witch?

I'm sorry, but if you act like a cartoon character in front of one of

our patients again, I'm gonna spend the next ten years introducing you as

the guy who sponges off my forehead. Okay, we're done.

Bryan! Dr. Turk is gonna take you back to your room.

That was...that was glorious.

You didn't mind that cocky stuff, did ya?

Noooo. I love "Bry-Bry". Never had a nickname before.

Well, lemme tell you something :

there's plenty more where that came from, Killer B!

What are you doing here? I thought you had like two days off?

Had to pick up a mouth guard from oral surgery. Some of the kids at

the park said I couldn't jump Jones Creek on my bicycle; so now I gotta give

'em the 4-1-1 on my mad daredevilin' skills!

Meanwhile, back in adult world.... I was just given twelve new admits

and now there's no way that I can be a clown for the kids today!

Ooh, you know, if it helps, I could--I could examine her...for you.

Elliot, please!

Ow! It hurt through my helmet!

Heh. Mrs. Bell, your EKG showed a slight irregularity, but nothing too serious

Maybe when my husband hears that he'll stop worrying, go home and get

some rest.

Hey, honey?

Oh, and this must be your hobbit!-- I mean husband! Of course. Heh. I

rented 'Lord of the Rings' last night, so...

I would do Frodo. ...He's short...too. Heh.

Dr. Miller! I am attending a hospital administrator's luncheon this

afternoon. I would love for you to join me.

Not so fast, there, Bob. You forgot to affix the warning label to your

forehead. You know, the one that reads "Exposure to Bob Kelso can be

hazardous to your health" thus affording the reader a fighting chance to

escape the waste and contamination that is...Bob Kelso.

Gosh, darn it, Perry, you are entertaining. You know, like Howie

Mandel or a monkey in a funny hat.

Check out Cox and Kelso fighting over Dr. New Girl!

No, she's coming with me!

I want her.

Too late for you.

She's mine!

She'll have to get one of those cars you drive with your feet!

Dr. Miller, I hope to see you later.

Look, I like you...so here's some advice: Never, ever do anything with

Bob Kelso. Don't talk to him, don't look at him, don't even associate with

guys his age on the outside chance that they just shared a steam together in

that never ending Klan meeting that they call a "country club"; right?

He is...pure evil.

I'll remember that. Not the crazy "where the hell is he going with

this?" ranting, but you know, the gist -- the Bob Kelso-bad part.

Fair enough.

Nurse Espinosa, would you mind getting me some sugar, stat.

Why, yes, Doctor.

Wow! This hospital rocks! Did you two just meet?

No. We're getting married.

Yep! The invitations went out today!

Yes! You know they did, baby! Invitations went out _today_!

No, they didn't!

I could never get a girl like that.

Why ?

Well, girls don't usually go for the piano-playing power geek.

Are you a good pianist?

Penist !

Yeah, I got a scholarship to Juilliard.

Bry-Bry! You're in the money! Girl's love the artsy type -- you'll be

getting more tail than you know what to do with.

Ohhh, okay.

"Tail" is sex, Bryan.

Ohhh! Awesome!

So how far over the Creek did you make it?

I don't know the exact distance in terms of feet and inches, but in

laymen's terms, I would have to say...about halfway.

Never stop peddling, Annie.

You are a shoo-in for the Little Girl X-Games.

Has anyone seen Dr. Kelso? We're supposed to leave for that luncheon.

Oh, that's strange. Because I remember having a conversation with you

about this very subject -- never do anything with him, pure evil --

ringing any bells?

Just the one in my head that goes off when I'm incredibly bored.

Wow! Perry, people usually don't stop caring about what you have to

say 'til after they've been here a few months! Oh, no he didn't!

That's the correct use of that phrase, right?

I don't know, sir.

"Oh, no he didn't!"

Ummm.... Mrs. Bell, uh--

How'd I end up with him?

Yes.

See, I've got this boyfriend, except he's all the way in New Zealand

and...well...how did you know that Mr. Bell was the right guy for you?

Kurt was the one that was always there for me. And at the end of the

day, that's who you want -- the guy who shows up when you need him,

without having to ask.

Dr. Reid couldn't be here today, children, so I'm here in her place.

Why're your pants so tight? Clowns have baggy pants!

Well, Brad, I'm the type of clown that likes to wear tight pants.

But the other clown has baggy pants!

What other clown?

Hello, old friend.

Janitor!

Man, the way Dr. Miller stares makes me all itchy.

What can I say to let her know I'm in control?

Have you ever slept with a black man?

Just finish the procedure please.

That's a yes! And now her mind will drift back to that wonderful day.

Wait for it....

...And there it is.

Dr. Miller, please, feel free to drift off.

Although there is a lot of bleeding.

You lacerated the brachial artery. Move out of the way!

Look, you made a mistake. Every one of us has made a mistake.

You should consider yourself lucky -- instead of losing his arm he'll just have

some nerve damage and limited use of his right hand. It could have been a

lot worse. If you want I'll even tell him for you.

He's a concert pianist.

Oh. You tell him.

Okay, just go in there and get it over with.

Heeeey! Bry-Bry! What's the happie-haps!

My hand is feeling really weird.

Ummm, about that...

"I made a mistake"! Just say it! I made a mistake!

I'm not really too sure on the specifics, but uh...apparently there

were some complications.

Ah, ya big chicken.

Well, now, you are looking slim. Are those new scrubs? Or is it the

fact you no longer have a soul?

What's your problem?

Come on, the only reason Kelso wanted you at that dinner is because he

knows standing next to a pretty doctor will get his picture in all the

medical journals. Assuming his image actually shows up in photographs.

So what? Publicity is good for the hospital. Plus, pictures of us

together lend credence to the rumors that you and I are having a fling.

I'm joking! There are no rumors.

The point is, Cox just wants you on his side, and until that happens

he's gonna be all over you.

Fine, maybe he's right.

Please get out of here.

Look, you're in with Kelso now, but trust me, he will turn on you the

minute you say no to him on anything.

Dr. Miller! Would you care to accompany me

to the proctology dinner tonight?

Yeah! Wouldja!?

Heh. I don't know yet.

Okay, kids, I've never made balloon animals before,

but raise your hand if you like your eels!

You're a horrible clown.

Save it for the post-show, Lurch.

I think what Angry, Disturbed Clown is trying to teach us is

that it's never funny to push!

Dr. Dorian?

Okay, let's take a little break, kids. Duck, Duck, Eel.

Mr. Millican just died, and his family needs to be notified.

Since I'm still kind of new at this, I was hoping you could do it.

So you steal my research project and now you want me to do

your dirty work?

Dr. Cox told me if you said that to say, "That's right, Melinda."

How you doing?

Babe, I've never screwed up a kid's life before. I mean, I've had

minor slip-ups, and that watch you gave me for Christmas might still be

inside Mr. Conte, but...nothing like this.

That watch is inside Mr. Conte? Well, thank God! All this time I

thought you didn't like it!

But we're talking about you. And you, honey, you did a courageous

thing. You took responsibility for your actions. Right?

No, I didn't.

Yes I did.

You're just upset because it's never easy to give someone bad news.

Unfortunately your grandfather's bowel burst, causing a severe sepsis.

We were unable to save him. I'm so sorry.

Again, I'm...I'm very sorry.

J.D., what are you doing?

Oh, just breaking some bad news...circus style.

You were a clown for me?

Break's over, Binky.

The show must go on.

So I didn't tell him.... It's not like it would change anything.

Christopher!

"Christopher"? You only call me Christopher when you're mad...or when

we're having sex. Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?

Sometimes.

Come. Let's take a walk.

Oh, this is bad. Okay, what did I do? Think. I accidentally got her a

present on my ex-girlfriend's birthday. I referred to that new cute nurse as

a young Carla Espinosa -- damn, that was stupid. I've been known to leave my

toenail clippings on her throw pillow. Oh, and I forgot to put the toilet

seat down last night and she bruised her butt! Wow, why is she marrying me?

Marrying me! Oh, God! She knows I haven't mailed the invites!

I thought you might want to talk to Bryan before you went home.

How'd you know?

Who you talkin' to?

Get in there.

Okay.

Bryan. Uh.... Look, I got a confession to make, man.

Ahh, there's my dinner buddy! Shall we head out?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not going. I have a date. And even if I didn't,

I don't think I'd want to go to a snooze-fest with a bunch of drunk

proctologists just so you could get your picture in the latest edition of

Bend Over Weekly.

A simple "I'm busy" would have sufficed.

Big boys don't cry, there, Bobbo.

Why are you smiling?

Oh, I don't know, I guess I'm just glad you wound up in my camp.

Yeah, I'm an adult, I don't actually go to camp. Listen, if Dr. Kelso

had asked me to go somewhere that I thought was actually good for my career,

I'd be gone so fast you'd be left here staring at an imaginary woman's chest

while she was trying to make a point.

I'm--I'm sorry, you're right, it's my fault. That dress just screams

"respect me as a doctor." Heh.

You try and paint Dr. Kelso as this jackass who turns on people who

don't do his bidding, when you were ready to write me off just for having

lunch. So honestly? How are you any different?

I'm taller than he is?

Hmm. Feel free to watch me leave.

It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right

thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman

I want to spend the rest of my life with.

End of story.

You did it!

Oh, man, what a long day.

Still, any day can be salvaged by drinking

a few cold ones with a good friend.

Awesome. 'Judge Dredd' is starting.

You still have a little clown makeup on you!

Elliot, The Judge, please.

Fine, I'll get it.

What the hell is she doing? It's The Judge!

I can't find the clasp.

What?

The clasp! The clasp!

I switched to frontsies!

Naughty!

Position One, Two, or Three?

We only had two.

Oh, yeah. Well, I have something to show you later.

It's a mystery how one woman can drive you crazy over and over again.

While another can bring you right back down to earth.

In the end, you have to trust that the perfect woman

will always lead you in the right direction.

So did you ever get the guts to mail the invitations?

Look, Elliot, I don't want to jinx this, but,

how did that just happen?

You were a clown for me. You were there when I needed you

without me even having to ask.

Oh, my God! When did you get back from New Zealand?

Something in your voice told me that you needed me.

So I just...I decided to show up, even though you didn't even ask.

Good to see ya, J.D.

Hey! You switched to frontsies!