All language subtitles for Mom.S08E06.Woo-Woo.Lights.and.an.Onside.Kick.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-NTb

Previously on Mom...
So I came home,

marched right
into the bathroom,

told Andy I wanted
to deepen our relationship,

and you know what he said?

"Can I finish my shower first?"

When I get home I just want
to take a shower and relax.

I don't want to talk
about my feelings.

Especially when I'm not
wearing pants.

It's Jill. Safety first.

Andy wants a break from her.

Tammy, alcoholic.
Hi, Tammy.

Lately I've been looking
for ways to deepen

my spiritual connection,

so, um, I decided to take
a peaceful nature hike.

No phones, no earbuds,
not even gum.

And that's when I realized

hell is other people
while also walking uphill.

This couple behind me--
and I feel compelled

to point out that the guy
was wearing leggings--

anyway, they were going on
and on in great gory detail

about this tick that had
set up shop in his...

well, let's just say
his swimsuit area.

She told me this
one over breakfast.

I mean, how am I supposed
to achieve inner peace

when I'm listening to them
yakking about hot compresses

and tweezer angles and him
passed out on the kitchen table?

I thought, "You know,

I'll just speed up
so I don't have to hear it."

But then I realized I'd never
know how it turned out,

so I pretended to drink water
to catch the end.

He's fine.

He just needs the leggings
to trust the woods again.

Anyway, I never
connected with God,

but I do know what to do
in case a tick

ever sets up shop in my hoo-ha.

Someone else, please.

Jill, alcoholic.

Hi, Jill.

Well, Andy and I
are still on pause.

I guess we have
a different definition

of what "pause" means.

See, now, that was a pause.

She was acting. I didn't
know what was happening.

People, we're at day 16,
and I'm coming unglued.

I'm also regretting the fact
that I let Andy be the one

who gets to say, "Pause over."

I just wish I knew what
was going on in his head.

I mean, he has told me
that sometimes I can be

a bit too much, but if
loving hard and living large

means I'm too much,
then guilty as charged.

I just feel so helpless,
and as we all know,

that is a dangerous feeling
for an alcoholic.

But I mean, I-I'm not gonna
drink or use over it.

I may have gone
on a bit of a shopping spree.

American Express called
to make sure I was okay.

They're so sweet.

Anyway, thanks.

Bonnie, alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

Don't worry, Jill.

Adam and Andy are watching
football tonight,

so I'll find out
what's going on in his head.

I'm sorry,
I know that was cross talk,

but she usually sits next to me
and I just whisper to her

while Marjorie drones on.

Marge, bring us home.
Big finish.

Whoa.

Hey.

What are you doing up so late?

I'm just,
watching this movie.

It's an infomercial
for Flex Seal.

Well, it's riveting.

They're making a boat
out of rags.

Could've used that
when I was trying

to get out of the Philippines.

Well, good night.

Wait.

How was your night with Andy?

Great.

Wait, wait.

He hasn't talked to Jill
for 16 days.

Did he say why?

It didn't come up.

You were with him all night

and it didn't come up?
No.

Then what the hell
did you talk about

for five and a half hours?

The end of the early game,
and then the whole late game.

Which actually had
a successful onside kick.

I mean, you just don't see it
since the rule change.

Really? The only couples friends
we've ever had are in crisis,

and you didn't ask him
anything about it?

No.

That is so men.

No feelings allowed.

No, there were
plenty of feelings.

You have to understand,
this onside kick...

If you say the words
"on," "side"

or "kick" one more time,

I'm going into the kitchen,
grabbing a can of soup,

and throwing it at you
as hard as I can.

Sorry.

Just really changed the ga...

Sorry.

Think. Did he say
anything at all?

Anything at all
that might explain

how he's feeling about Jill

or if anything's changed
in their relationship?

He really didn't, Bonnie.

The man's got a lot
on his plate right now.

He's breaking in a new partner,
he's trying to make sergeant,

he had the Raiders plus three,

which the onside kick
completely just...

I'll just go get the can
of soup myself.

Wait a second.

Wait one damn second.

What?

Andy's new partner.
Tell me more.

What? I don't know,
she was on plainclothes,

and then she spent
plainclothes...
"She"?

She? She?

That's what I said.

Well, he's been partners
with Bert for ten years.

What happened to Bert?

He reunited
with his twin brother

and they got picked
to do The Amazing Race.

You know, there was a third one,
but Bert ate him in the womb.

Wow, well, Andy was blindsided.

And-and, you know,

now he spends 12 hours a day
in a car with Joanna.

The skank.

Okay, ladies.

I know our brains
are excellent machines

for jumping to conclusions,

but we don't know anything
about this Joanna.

I know her. I see her
all the time at the ER.

Well, there you go.
I'm sure she's very...

Hold on, Marjorie, I want
to hear what Wendy has to say.

You get one a year.
Make it count.

Tell me everything about her.

She's nice.

Is that it?

Kinda.

Somebody get me a can of soup.

I'll get it out of her.

I don't know
what you want from me.

She has two dogs,
Barkley and Slayton.

Aw, now I feel bad
for calling her a skank.

But she still is.

What does she look like?

Your nostrils are scaring me.

This is getting
out of hand.

Calm down, Jill.

You're right.

Wendy, honey,

what does she look like?

I don't know. She's just nice.

Around 40 years old.

Kind of average-looking.

Before me,
average was Andy's type.

Okay, okay,
you have no reason to suspect

that Joanna and Andy
have anything

beyond a professional
relationship.

And, Jill,
you agreed to this break

to give him time to think,

and you have to honor
that agreement.

Okay, but I made that agreement
before I knew about

average Joanna
and her two damn dogs.

And she also collects
vintage dolls.

What, have you watched
a documentary on this woman?

My kingdom for a can of soup.

Steak, Tater Tots, beer and me.

Your four favorite food groups.

It all looks great.

And again, my apologies.

I did not know I was striking
your handsome face

with the zipper side
of the pillow.

Apology accepted,
but if anybody at the bar asks,

I took a guy with a knife down.

How's Jill doing?

Not good.

The Joanna bombshell sent her
into a tailspin,

but she'll be fine.

Yeah, but Jill's fine
and normal fine

are not the same fine.

Go on.

Well, you know.
She comes with a side of drama.

It's like Andy says,
she's a bit of a handful.

Tell me the Tater Tot

is not the most perfect form
of potato.

You got the crispy outside,
you got the fluffy inside...

Do you think I'm a handful?

What do you mean?

Is that what you say about me?

I don't say that.

Andy says that about Jill.

What I say about you is...
other stuff.

Wow.

Is that a good wow?

It is not.

I want you to explain to me

how I got in trouble
for something that Andy said.

You know how.
I-I really don't. I...

But since you're already mad,
I'll take your Tots.

Hey, I'm just calling to see
how you're doing.

I'm doing a lot better now.

Why are you whispering?

Because Andy and Joanna have
their windows rolled down

and they're right in front
of me at the stop sign.

So you're following them?

Yep.

And do they know you're there?

I don't think so.

I took my housekeeper's car
as a disguise.

But I really wish I would've
peed before I came out here.

Okay, I want you
to listen to me.

This is very, very wrong.

I brought binoculars,
tacos and a jar to pee in.

Hey, you didn't mention
that your housekeeper's car

is also a Range Rover.

Yeah, I gave her my old one.

I put that woman through hell.

can you see anything?

Not really. Just give me
a heads-up if they turn.

I got a better idea.

How about I introduce you
to the Bonnie Plunkett School

of Surveillance Techniques.

Normally a masterclass
I teach out by the airport.

I'm doing great.
We're right behind 'em.

Yeah. That's your first mistake.

You never want
to be right behind them.

In fact, the best place to be
is in front of them.

Well, how do I do that?

And lesson one begins.

All right, I'll pull over.

No, you don't have to stop.

Scooch your seat back,
here I come.

You want to go over
or under?

Well, pretty-pretty sure
I got to go over.

Okay, on my mark.

One, two, three.

Keep your foot on the pedals.
Foot on the pedals.

And... eject!

Aah! My God,
that worked!

Ooh.

Yeah, I only swerved four
feet over the yellow line.

Nothing from your boyfriend
up there.

What kind of cops are they?

The kind bonded by lust.

All right, watch and learn.

I'm gonna pull out
in front of them.

Usually I just sketch this up
on an overhead projector,

but let's see if
it actually works.

Mirror! Mirror!
Right. Right.

God, I can only see her.

And me, looking desperate.

And a little puffy
from those tacos.

Nobody stalks their boyfriend

'cause their life is
working out.

How is it possible
I've been sober all this time,

and I'm still driving around,
chasing men?

Yeah, I thought sobering up
would get rid of my crazy, too,

but nope, still crazy.

Just a little less confused
during Fantasia.

Maybe we should just stop
and go home.

I'm proud of you, Jill.

I knew if I came out here
and spent some time with you,

you'd start to see that...

They're pulling over.

Quick, don't lose 'em.

Hang on.

Wow. They didn't
notice that, either.

This is fun.

It is fun.

Two cops, two coffees,
no doughnuts.

Another myth exploded.

Is it horrible that I wish
she were drop-dead gorgeous?

I mean, I can't lose him to her.

Well, that's
awfully shallow, Jill.

Although that mustache
isn't doing her any favors.

No, wait. That's just a shadow.

No, wait.

Well, what the hell
is that, then?

If I lose him to somebody
less pretty than me,

then it means it's me.

You know, my insides.

And I can't Botox my insides.

If only we could.

Right?

God,
now they're laughing together.

And that's his real laugh,

not the fake one
he takes pity on me with.

Adam has one of those, too.

Heh-heh-heh.

Always three.

Yeah, and they never
make eye contact.
Never.

You know, I don't
have a fake laugh.

If something's not funny,
I just don't laugh.

And that's
what makes you awesome.

Because you're authentic.
You are the real deal.

I know I'm not supposed
to call him, but...

I need to know if he's thinking
about me at all.

Okay, he's picking up.

He's checking caller I.D.

And...

he's putting it back down.

He sent me to voice mail.

Because he's at work.

They probably have a rule where
they can't take personal calls

while they're having coffee
and-and-and laughing.

Okay, well, then you call him.

Well, technically, I think
that's a personal call...

Call him.

Okay.

All right, he's
picking it up...

he's looking at it...

and he's...
Hey. Andy.

Wh-What is up?

That's a good question.

Thanks for calling. I got to go.

He picked up for you.
That says everything.

But, Jill, you're on a pause
with Andy. I'm not.

He probably picked up for me

because he thought it was
something to do with Adam.

It's him.

Disguise your voice.

It's Tammy. Calm down.

Hi.

Jill and I
are following Andy around...

I brought licorice.
Catch me up.
Red or black?

Red. I'm not a serial killer.

God, please tell me
you didn't tell Marjorie

what we're doing.

She fell asleep
on the couch.

She doesn't even know I'm here.

Good, 'cause I am not up for

the "Don't Stalk
Boyfriends" speech.

Girls, part of being sober

is not making choices

you're gonna have to make
an amends for down the road.

Keep your focus
on yourself and your sobriety.

You know,
it would be nice if someone else

cleaned the cat box
once in a blue moon.

It's not involved with sobriety;
it's just super annoying.

Now, this is recovery.

I'm following a cop instead
of them following me.

Ooh, their woo-woo lights
are on!

Everybody down!
We've been made!

No, I think they spotted
that drunk guy

stumbling out
of the bowling alley.

No shirt on.
Such a giveaway.

What's up with those,
Pavarotti?

I swiped them from Marjorie.

She uses them to keep an eye out
for the coyotes

during the cats' playtime.

Ooh, Joanna's strong.

That's a solid half nelson.

Andy very dainty with the cuffs.

Yeah. Comes from a lifetime

of being the biggest person
in the room.

He accidentally crushed a bunny
when he was six.

My God.
That's so sad.

I know. I've been trying
to get him into therapy.

Easter's a very difficult
holiday for him.

Andy just opened
the back door for her!

Yeah, he kind of had to.
She's got her hand
full of drunk guy.

Drunk-gonna-vomit guy.

Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!

Joanna's caught a little splash
on her sleeve.

And Andy is wiping it off
for her.

That is intimate behavior!

I-I'm trying to think if Adam

would wipe someone's vomit
off my sleeve.

I guess he would.

Of course he would.

He's a gentleman.

Aren't you glad we don't drink
like that anymore?

And keep our shirts on?

Yeah. We're so healthy now.

Aw. Who bet they
were taking him
to the hospital?

I did.

Damn it, I thought jail
was a stone-cold lock.

Thank you, thank you.

Oop. They're
dragging him out.

Marone,
shirtless puker's out cold.

And he lost a sneaker.

Been there. You know,
people don't understand.

Every time you see a lone
sneaker in the middle of a road,

there's a story.

Hey, when did Joanna have time
to put on lipstick?

Cut her some slack--
she's got puke on her sleeve.

What are you guys doing?

Get in. Close the door.

We're spying
on Jill's boyfriend.

Dang it, I miss everything
since I took the night shift.

Ooh. Licorice.

Hey, what's going on
with the drunk guy?
Yeah, did he hit his head?

No. We got to pump
his stomach.

Yeah! I win again. Pay up.

And there's a warrant out
for his arrest,

so he's going to jail after.

Yes! Come to mama!

Hey. See, now, right there,
why do they have to stand

so close while they're
going over the little notepads?

"He puked on you,
yes he did, done."

Hey, there's this guy
in radiology,

his name's Lorne,
he was in Desert Storm...

Nobody cares about
Desert Storm Lorne.

Joanna does.

They just moved in together.

What?

Yeah. They found
this cute little one-bedroom

in a converted firehouse.

You mean to tell me we've been
following them around all night

and she's got a boyfriend?

This firehouse,
does it still have the pole?

I always wanted a house
with a fireman's pole.

You guys, Andy's
not cheating on me.

He loves me.

My sweet little bunny
killer loves me.

Step out of the car.

No...

just Jill.

How ya been?

Wendy, don't you need
to get back inside?

I'm the head nurse--
I can do whatever I want.

Head nurse?
Since when?

Last year,
right after I moved.

You moved?
Do you guys listen
to anything...

Shh! It's getting heavy.

I wish I could read lips.

I can. I took a class
out by the airport.

It's like a major university
out there.

You can study anything.

We don't need to read lips,
you guys.

This is a full-on breakup.

What makes you say that?

He just handed her a
key and she's crying.

Oop. Here she comes.

Act like we
don't know everything.

What happened?
How'd it go?

We're just sitting here.

Well, the pause is over.

Now we're on full stop.

Honey.

I guess it's true,
I am a bit too much.

No.
No.
No.

I am.

But for the record,
so are all of you.

Go ahead and say it.

I should've kept
the focus on myself.

Honey, I'm not gonna say
anything like that.

Breaks my heart
to see you suffering.

I will talk
to the two of you later.

I can't believe I blew it.

This was
the best relationship I've had

since my marriage ended.

I remember,
and you said

that you would never meet anyone
you cared about ever again.

But you did.

And it's gonna happen
this time, too.

Hey.

I didn't know I was walking
into the girls' dorm.

Heh-heh-heh.

Always three.

What did Andy do now?

If I tell you,
you'd have to pay for it.

I appreciate the heads-up.

Now get out.
Bad time to have a penis.