Original subtitles

Apple... fl-flame...

Gyro Gearloose...

- What? - Stick insect...

What's he saying?

We have to go!

It's time for the next event.

Okay. What's the next event?

Hotel-customs quiz.

Martin's our go-to guy. He knows everything about everything.

Plaster, plaster...

Might be tricky.

Dear...

beloved... referee,

my defeat...

is no match for love so sweet.

Oh, that's good.

Your stripes...

- I can do it! - Uh, well...

no, Thomas, you're...

- Our secret weapon. - There you go.

You okay?

Do I look... like someone who's not okay?

No... something's wrong. What's wrong with him?

No worries. I know.

It's common among concierges. Brainus blockus.

Alright!

I'll do it.

- Martin, sure you're up for it? - Is...

Theophilus Van Kannel the inventor of the revolving door?

Yes. Yes, he is. I'm ready.

Let's go!

Unhand me!

I obviously don't need your help!

No problem.

You're falling.

- No. - Yes, you're falling, sir.

- Grand... - Hotel.

What's wrong, Martin? Not feeling well? Over here.

You will finally taste the bitterness of defeat.

And you're asleep.

- Listen to me, Lionel. - I'm listening.

- You're not saying anything. - Yes...

Strange, huh?

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

a joint speed event.

If you think you have the right answer, buzz.

If your answer is incorrect, you lose one point.

Ready?

Here we go.

The Izmailovo Hotel is the world's biggest hotel.

How many rooms does it have?

7,500.

Correct! Point for the Grand Hotel.

What reservation system uses registration cards?

The Whitney System.

Correct! Point for the Grand Hotel.

Who invented the revolving door?

Theophilus Van Kannel.

Correct!

Point for the Grand Hotel!

How many 4-star hotels are there in France?

548.

Wrong!

The correct answer's 549.

Indeed. Unfortunately for you, Grand Hotel,

your opponent is correct.

- Point for Supremio. - No, it's 548.

St-Aurélien Hotel in Noirmoutier lost a star last week.

Juice boxes for breakfast. I would've thrown them in jail, personally.

Sure enough. The answer's 548.

- Enzo? - Yes?

You're not refereeing the quiz?

I... I told my mom I wasn't up to it.

I'm sorry you lost the event.

- Sorry-- - It's not my fault, but--

I'm sor... Oh, dear.

- I'm overcome. - That's a lot of information.

Yes, that's me.

I wanted to tell you...

I'm feeling things I've never felt before.

You're crazy!

Crazy about you.

But I'm a referee...

...and you're a contestant.

Our love is hopeless.

Goodbye.

Now, the last question,

worth 10 points.

Which means anyone can still win this quiz.

Nothing is written. Your fate is in your hands, ladies and gentlemen. Ready?

If you answer correctly, all bets are off!

Born in Niederwald, he--

César Ritz.

Correct.

The Grand Hotel wins!

I told you you could count on me.

Not anymore.

What's wrong?

Come on.

Sports We Don't Give a Shit About TV

An unexpected comeback!

- Not really! - Anyway.

Grand Hotel Captain Martin Gambier's team is back in the running,

despite a shameful low-blow from the opposing team.

Tell us more, Claude?

We've just heard that Team Kondor may have dosed Captain Martin Gambier

with poison found on their stand.

A tactic reminiscent of what happened in 2005 in Batman Begins.

It wasn't us. We don't cheat.

Cheaters aren't welcome at the Hotelics! That's enough! Clear off!

There. It's all good.

Because being a referee also means handling conflicts.

This elimination certainly drew a reaction from Team Kondor's opponents.

What a disgrace!

I find it deplorable that some people use such tactics as a means to an end.

Still, I'm surprised. The poison was supposed to knock him out!

Well, I... assume.

You'd have to be a real moron to risk poisoning someone...

....then not use enough poison and...

...have him win the event.

I think.

And the victim's response was swift.

That's it. We're leaderless. We're screwed.

No! No! No, we're not screwed! I'm here!

Huh? So we'll persevere, together.

The four of us. We'll use... a 4-4-2 formation.

There's four of us. So one per event.

For example, one of us at... first, like a...

Understand? We can...

It's just a rough idea, but Grand...

Hotel. The answer's "Hotel."

You've said it, like, 15 times today.

When's he coming back?

- Not yet, obviously. - Okay, we've lost, then. That's it.

- Great. Who's got a winning idea? - Me.

We take a giant magnet, put it under a golf course...

We wait for a golf ball to fall into the hole. Okay.

Michael Jordan looks and goes: "What's that?"

We lasso him, get Michael Jordan,

recruit him to help us win.

That's Space Jam.

Yeah. But at the end, the Tunes win. So I think if we--

What's the point of fighting when fate is so cruel to lovers?

- Okay. Selim, you're up. - I can't anymore.

A competitor can only competitate once.

It's in the book.

Wait. You read the book?

I can do it! I'm sick of being a secret weapon. You never use me!

I'd rather be a little less secret.

You know what? We'll use our secret weapon. You do it.

Yeah! Freakin' awesome!

Can I have a code name?

Sure.

Sure you'll remember?

No worries. Go on, give it a try. Say it.

Sorry! No, I... I wasn't ready! Okay, go.

Try again. Do... do it again.

No, the code name, not my name. Then--

Come on, let's go!

Come on, come on, come on! Let's go, let's go!

Faster! Come on!

Come on, Selim! Damn! Come on, come on!

Ladies and gentlemen, the next challenge:

the room-reservation round.

Each contestant has a register

with all the characteristics of every room:

availability, beds, view, seating, etc.

The goal is to find, as quickly as possible,

the room that best meets your guests' needs.

Understood?

Good. Then let's begin.

Go!

Two adults, first floor, bathtub!

Room 117.

Correct! One adult, one child, no street view.

- Room 311. - Correct. One adult, handicap access.

What the hell's he doing?

- Room 241. - Correct.

Three adults - a couple and a guest - separate bathrooms, private Jacuzzi.

- Room 307. - Correct!

Two adults, a baby, changing table and tub.

316.

Uh... yes, that's right. Correct. Two adults, handicap access, first floor?

- 208. - Correct. One adult, minibar, private sauna?

- 407. - Correct. Two adults, separate beds?

- 107. - Correct.

One adult, king-size bed, private spa?

- 320 and 312. - That's correct.

Two adults, handicap access, bathtub?

110.

- Correct. - Stop!

Supremio: 4, Grand Hotel: 7. Point to Grand Hotel.

I've just received an anonymous complaint.

Well, it's not anonymous, it's him.

Yes, but he's masked.

The Hotelics rulebook stipulates that all contestants

must be in full, official uniform,

including the regulation badge!

Grand Hotel contestant:

disqualified.

Fuck!

Last break before the final event.

- How you feeling? - It's all over for me.

Don't say that.

I always knew I'd go...

but not like this.

Don't be foolish.

You shouldn't drink tomato juice lying down.

Listen, everyone was blown away by your performance.

You were awesome.

Win these Hotelics.

Do it for me.

I will.

You don't have to use my code name.

We're not on a mission.

Alright...

The other one.

Alright, alright. That's all.

Alright.

- It's time-- - It's time--

- Sorry, Claude. - Jeez, Claude!

- Sorry, I... - Go on, then. No problem.

May I? Then here I go!

It's now time for the Hotelics's grand finale!

With Team Kondor now eliminated, three teams will face off in a final contest.

Highly symbolic, as three is also the number of viewers we have.

So let's say hello to Serge, Jessica,

and actor Frédéric Diefenthal.

Hey, Frédo.

Gimme your heart baby Your body baby

- Stay away from my son. - But--

Please. I'm onto your little game.

He can't work anymore. You're ruining his dream.

So he thinks about me!

Leave him alone.

For two more days.

Two days?

Well... yes, until the Hotelics are over.

Then we have nothing to do all year, so you'll have time to...

...fornicate.

So he's not married!

No fiancée? No girlfriend?

A fuck buddy? Nothing!

She's really dumb. Come on, hurry up! Shut up.

It's now time for the final event!

A "guest" forgot his suitcase in room 109.

Ditch the wig!

His taxi's due in five minutes.

That's the time you have to fetch the suitcase and bring it to Reception.

And this time, all contestants must compete simultaneously!

Hello?

There are three of you.

Sorry, at least four participants per team.

- I'm pregnant. That counts for two. - No!

Uh, you can't smoke in here.

- Excuse me. - What?

It seems the Grand Hotel only has three competitors, too.

Bull! One, two, three...

Four...!

If your teammate can't move, you're disqualified.

If it's down to one team, Team Supremio wins this round.

And the Hotelics!

Wait!

If a contestant can't move,

he can still compete if transported by one of his teammates.

It's in here.

- Is it? - Yes. That's...

the hotel-industry bible, actually.

Okay! Indeed, you can compete.

Ready?

Ready...

Set...

Go!!!

- What? What, what, what? - Turn around.

- The race has started! - Take the hallway. Trust me.

Dramatic turn of events in this Hotelics final,

as Grand Hotel takes a shortcut and may be first to reach the suitcase!

We can see it on our tablet, right, Claude?

Yes, indeed, Claude. While everyone took the main stairs,

two Grand Hotel competitors reached the first-floor hallway

to take the elevator that leads straight to the end of the second-floor hallway.

This gives them a significant advantage.

Yes, and this manoeuvre is reminiscent of the famous Munchausen shortcut,

named after bellboy Ralph Munchausen,

who won the 1992 final this way.

He is currently deceased.

- This is between you and me now. - Beat it. Beat it, or I'll run you over.

Ever notice how history always... repeats itself?

Now scram.

Don't be in such a hurry, William.

One must always take one's time when meeting one's fate.

Or rather...

...facing one's past.

Only one minute left, William. Yeah!

Yeah, time flies, dude. Well, unless you're alone in a hospital room.

Like the one you sent me to when you broke my bones!

Remember, William?

A rib punctured my lung.

I was on life support! You would've known that if you'd visited me.

I don't know, to... to apologize, maybe! Huh?!

But don't worry. You're not the only one.

My colleagues. Well...

...your colleagues didn't come to see me either.

Sorry. We're running out of time, though. Come on. Go on, buddy. Run me over.

After all, your victory's all that matters. Only you matter! Come on, buddy!

Go on! Go on, run me over! Go on! Go on, run me over! Go on!

Only you matter!

There's no room for empathy in that narrow mind of yours!

Come on, buddy! Go! Do it!

Come on!

Again, you don't have the guts.

To run you over? True. It wouldn't be by the book.

Like your badge.

It wasn't me! He did it!

All Hotelians must wear a regulation badge!

No! No, no, I didn't--

Supremio employee: disqualified!

He cheated! He did it!

And the winner is Grand Hotel!

Martin! We won!

Fuck!

Guys!

So many emotions and turnarounds in this unbelievable Hotelics final,

with Team Grand Hotel's last-minute victory.

A blow, though, for the team at Sports We Don't Give a Shit About TV,

since, due to low viewership, I'm told they're pulling the plug.

Really?

Stéphane!

- Goodbye. - Later!

- Well, Delphine... - Well...

It... it... it's been swell.

Oh, yeah!

What are your plans for the next 363 days?

I-I... I'm pretty free.

I love you.

You won. Congratulations.

Thanks.

Even though you cheated.

Since you poisoned me, we're even.

You can't prove it.

True, but if you were innocent, you would've said, "I didn't do it,"

not: "You can't prove it." So it's a confession, really.

Wait!

Excuse me.

Too late. You should've apologized earlier.

No, no, excuse me, I'm just taking this back.

Bye!

Here.

Thank you.

Come on.

That good luck charm worked, huh?

Ah, Dad.

Hello.

You're late. The Hotelics are over.

I know. Thanks. But I don't care.

Above all, I didn't want to... spoil the party.

How so?

I'm shutting down the hotel.

What?

Save the hotel!

The owner's shutting down the hotel.

- William, you have to talk to your dad. - You want to hit rock bottom?

- It's not just about you! - Fuck you.

I'll kill you!

You can go back to your old life. This is definitely the end.

- Leave me alone. This is my home. - Fuck. Seriously?