Original subtitles

That's why he's now "Left Foot Marco."

Thomas, you started mid-story.

What?

You said: "That's why he's now Left Foot Marco."

I don't know who you're talking about. I need context, a beginning.

Otherwise, I don't get the punch line.

Wait, wait, wait!

What's today?

- The 8th. - 8th of what?

- March. - March what?!

- Come on, Thomas, seriously. - They're expecting us!

Who's expecting us?

Good. Very good.

Come on, stretch, high above your heads! High!

What the hell?

Higher! Higher!

And...

...break.

William, thanks for joining us.

While we're at it, I'll say a few words.

As you know, excellence is our standard.

For sure!

For sure you'll shut it, because I'm delivering a monologue.

As you know...

...excellence is our standard.

But it must now become reality,

because the Hotelics are taking place tomorrow.

And these Hotelics shall be ours!

Grand... - Hotel!

- Grand... - Hotel!

Ah! Now, that's good.

- Excuse me. - Yes, William?

- There's something I don't get. - Go ahead.

Everything. Absolutely everything, actually.

What's going on?

The Hotelics. They're in the manual. Haven't you read it?

The Joy of the Hotel Industry

They're a high-stakes hotel-service competition. Basically the hotel industry's Olympics.

Unbelievable. You've never heard of them?

Well, sorry for not watching Sports We Don't Give a Shit About TV.

You should. They have excellent shows.

What?

Sports We Don't Give a Shit About TV

Hello and welcome to Sports We Don't Give a Shit About TV.

Hi, Claude. - Hi, Claude!

The must-see two-day event is of course the Hotelics,

to be held this year at the Grand Hotel.

The mythical workplace of the 14-time winning team

is led by famous concierge Martin Gambier.

It's a wonderful tournament. We're delighted to participate again.

Our team is highly motivated.

Are we feeling pressure? Of course.

But we'll remain focused and competitive and set on... winning.

Above all, we're thrilled to be hosting the Hotelics at the Grand Hotel this year.

Thank you.

But, as always, competition will be fierce. Right, Claude?

Yes, indeed, Claude,

as the fearsome Kondor Hotels team will be competing this year.

We have come to win and have fun.

Also competing are their arch rivals, the Supremio team, showing its true colours.

The Hotel Supremio team is dead-set on total victory.

We're the best. We're here to win.

Above all...

to crush the Grand Hotel.

Whoa! Sounds like it's going to be electric - and I don't even play guitar!

Also of note on the Grand Hotel side: heir to the Mazières fortune William Mazières.

Jeez. Flashes in my face. Very nice.

Okay, then, let's go. Damn, quite the media event. Alright.

Okay. Well, I...

That's not a flash - it's assault.

The teams are in for quite a challenge, aren't they, Claude?

No!

- Yes. - Of course!

Because this year, the losing hotels will lose a star,

resulting in disastrous consequences such as layoffs and a drop in revenue.

Ouch!

- Everyone jobless! - Ow!

That smarts! - No jobs!

Alright!

First event: Client Relations.

We must choose our best candidate. William... no!

Come on, give him a chance! It's unfair. Why not him?

- Don't worry. I don't give a shit. - There you go.

- I can do it! - No.

Because, Thomas, you're our secret weapon.

- Awesome! - Right.

Too bad Clémence isn't here. Now, she knows about client relations.

- That's true. Where is Clémence? - Unfortunate coincidence.

She's at The Escortics.

- What's that? - You really need an explanation?

That's what.

I see.

Yes. Can we focus here?

Yeah, I'm focused alright.

- I'll do the first event. - No!

You're perfect for the cleaning event.

Client relations, respect... Up for it?

'Course. Respect's my middle name.

If a guy disrespects me...

...I break his arm. - So.

"Middle name." I love it.

But breaking arms? No.

No, don't worry, sir. Fracture-wise, you won't be disappointed.

Then... we agree "you won't be disappointed" means no fractures?

No. That's...

Whatever.

Nice. What a... clever slogan.

It's mine.

We gotta go.

Well...

Lionel Jobert.

Welcome to the Grand Hotel.

- Meh. - And good luck.

We have something much better than luck.

We have a new recruit.

Not bad. But we also have a new recruit.

Really?

Where?

He... he's not... He isn't here, I think. He...

He's warming up.

I take it you came down to forfeit the games.

Still, with a team like that...

I would've done the same.

Forfeit? So we wouldn't beat you again?

No, no, we'll compete... Lionel.

Beware, Martin.

A warm Christmas...

...means a cold Easter, Martin!

See? That's the team we need to watch out for.

- That means... - Sorry.

Oh! We're late!

We took an Uber...

and we stopped at a rest area, like, two hours ago?

We came back, after peeing and getting a snack, and the guy was gone.

That dude's really asking for a bad rating.

- Okay. And who might you be? - Oh, yes. Sorry.

Corinne. Discotel. Nice to meet you. Good morning.

Discotel. Is that a disco hotel?

No! Everybody gets it wrong, of course.

We're actually... a discount hotel.

We're a low-budget hotel, but don't worry, everybody gets it wrong.

Because we spent months looking for a name

that reflected the world of cheap hotels, but it can't be done.

We couldn't find a blend word that worked. Yet we racked our brains. Right?

Yes.

I don't know, what about Budgîte? "Budget" and "gîte"?

That is better.

Never mind. We're about to start. Please have a seat.

Okay. I'll just take a little...

- Go ahead. - There.

It's free, right?

I don't recognize him. What team is he on?

He's not playing. He's a referee.

Well. The referee's cute.

I can set you up.

That's okay. Really, I'm good.

What are you doing? Don't smile like that. You're all wrinkled. Ew.

Thanks. So sweet.

Damn. Every time I have a crush, my hands get sweaty. Gross.

'Course. He's already making you wet.

What? What'd I say? Was that inappropriate?

Hey! Let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I declare the 49th Hotelic Games open!

These games are highly competitive.

And you must absolutely, and at all costs, respect your opponents,

as well as hostel-industry rules.

First event: Client Relations.

Discotel versus the Grand Hotel.

Discotel contender, please.

Go!

- Hello! - Well, hello! How can I help you?

I actually came to see you because my baby can't sleep.

One of the guests is very noisy.

Not the nutjob in room 207 with his music again?

- Yes. - How old's the little one?

Uh... four months now.

You know, my oldest, it took me two years...

...over two years to get her to sleep in her bed.

And sharing a bed... Okay, hang on. I'll have a look...

I have a very quiet double room.

It overlooks the dumpsters, but like I always say:

"Who needs a nice view when you're sleeping?"

Okay?

Here's your key, then.

And breakfast is obviously on the house tomorrow.

You can save a little money.

Alright?

Don't get too excited. It's out of 20.

- Harsh. - Worth at least 14. Give it your all.

You can count on me, sir. I'm so ready for this.

Okay, next.

Grand Hotel.

Go, Selim! Go!

Go! Go, Selim!

Ready?

Go!

Hello, sir.

Uh... hello. What can I do for you, my dear sir?

Foul!

- What? - Can't you see you're speaking to a lady?

With all due respect, Your Judgeship, it's not exactly obvious.

Addressing a female guest as "sir"!

That's downright disrespectful. Sorry, young man.

In my defence, you should've used longer wigs, because a chick with short hair, that's--

Oh, really? Do go on.

This is heinous fuckery! It's totally whack! Seriously!

What are you doing?! I'm talking to you!

Wait. Sir, please, calm down!

Don't talk to my mom like that! There are rules! Get back there!

"Get back there!" You talking to me, ass-hat?!

Come on, Dorian Trump, go referee and quit pissing me off!

- Discotel wins this round. - "Discotel wins this round"! Screw your round!

- Silence! - Screw you!

- Back to your team! - Fuck!

Well, the Grand Hotel is definitely off to a bad start.

First event, first disappointment!

It wasn't their fault! He confused short hair with long hair!

Everybody makes mistakes.

- Rules are rul-- - Screw the rules!

They've already lost a point! Now they're screwed!

I've fuckin' had it!

Claude, calm down! Calm down! Claude!

Breathe, Claude. - Sorry.

You mustn't get so upset.

But the event with the wigs stirred up a lot of emotion...

I understand. Shall we continue?

Let's continue.

Team Grand Hotel will have to get it together

if it wants a shot at the title.

I feel better now. Thanks.

Oh, I had a...

Thanks.

Come on, this is crazy. The ref's racist.

It's racial discrimination. Those decrepit ass-hats.

Nuh-uh. One of them's pretty adorable and has really dreamy eyes.

We absolutely must win the asepsis event!

Asepsis? What does asepsis mean?

Cleaning, scrubbing, polishing.

- Exactly. The cleaning event. - What does cleaning mean?

Okay, in order to shine in this event...

- Excellent. - We all know who we'll call on.

Oh, thank you! I'll kick ass!

No, Thomas. I was thinking of Delphine.

- Why? - Because you spread crumbs everywhere.

First, there's that. Second, you're... our secret weapon, remember.

Lethal Weapon.

The Lethal Weapon. Lethal Weapon. The action movie.

So you can make a lousy pun with "shine," everyone laughs,

and I get bupkis?

- Because mine was funny. - Meh--

So, Delphine, you ready?

- Nothing can bring me down. - A tumour.

Or losing a loved one just before the event.

Or if an arrow...

...pierced your skull and then you had a stroke--

- Okay. We get the idea. Grand... - Hotel!

You're my filly, okay? You're my filly!

The Grand Hotel.

Smell doesn't bother you?

What smell?

The smell of defeat.

It must be rather unpleasant.

Funny, it smelled fine before you came in.

"It smelled fine before you came in."

Okay, stop! Stop!

Enough! Stop!

Is there a problem?

No problem at all.

Right?

Pleasure.

Come on.

Miss, remember, you must clean this stain of butter

mixed with jam dusted with a thin layer of dandruff

over a 400-square-centimetre surface.

Your Kondor team opponent cleaned that stain and handed in an immaculate pillowcase

in 5:43 minutes.

You must beat his time. Ready?

Ready.

Go!

Two minutes.

One minute.

Stop!

4:23.

Spotless.

Grand Hotel wins this round.

Congratulations, Miss.

- Thank you. - Just a second!

- What is it? What'd I do? - More like what you didn't do.

Olfactory check.

Right.

What have I always told you about women?

To...

Sorry? I can't hear you.

- To stay away from them and beware of them. - Why's that?

Because compared to my mother, they're all sluts.

Sluts.

Smells like sweat.

This maid has clammy hands. The pillowcase is not immaculate.

Kondor wins this round!

And you, my boy...

Beware of your emotions. They betray you.

You should've used talc.

Come on, bro...

Sir!

Martin, are you okay?

Ouch! What a series of defeats for the Grand Hotel.

Their odds of winning the Hotelics are gradually dwindling.

It's therefore very easy to conclude that their little asses are on the line.

Little asses!

The Escortics now, with the victory of Clémence of the Grand Hotel,

who set a record with 234 handj...

What I put in his bottle should knock him out for a while.

So they're left with the moron and the wanker.

They're toast.

- Everything's going according to plan. - Yes.

One last question.

Do they know I'm out of the hospital?

The referees are waiting.

How many four-star hotels are there in France?

549.

We're leaderless. We're screwed.

You will finally taste the bitterness of defeat.

Grand...

Hotel. The answer's Hotel. You've said it at least 15 times today. Come on.

On your marks!

Get set!

Go!!!