Original subtitles

Hello. Welcome...

...to the Grand Hotel.

Hello.

Ah, right.

Hello. So you're disguised as--

That hurts. That hurts. That hurts.

This isn't a costume, it's... a uniform.

Like yours, little man.

Not always easy to wear, huh?

- No. Yes... - But we're the same, you and I.

Come.

Wait...

There.

May this day show you mercy.

Finally, someone normal. We've only had weirdos since this morning...

Death to the tyrant!

Wait, wait. Sir. Sir?

Today, as you may have noticed, we have a rather special guest.

- A dictator. - That's a tad strong.

- A tyrant? - No, I'd say--

- A monster? - A head of state. Okay?

Who's briefly staying here and is honouring us with his presence.

Yeah!

Clearly this guest isn't Mr. Popularity.

But please give him the VIP treatment.

I don't see the problem. The customer's always right.

Dictator or not, we treat him with him respect. Period.

This morning's naked activist tried to set himself on fire.

I don't want dead bodies here under any circumstances.

It would be bad for everyone.

- Seriously? - Tell your dictator pal.

He's the one who can't resist killing people... and raping horses.

I threw in the horses.

So please be very careful.

I think the dictator's rather nice.

You're officially tasked with looking after him during his stay.

Great.

Where's Selim?

- On comp time. - Cool!

- Comp time shouldn't even exist. - How would you make ratatouille without thyme?

- That's totally irrelevant. - Or cassoulet?

Rosemary? No. "Marthyme!"

Fuck, that's a non-sequitur!

- Trout. - Shut up.

Ouch. Ouch! What?

How can you work for a guy who oppresses millions?!

Oppresses, oppresses. Sure about that?

We say "dictator," but he might simply be moody.

Okay, so maybe he once used force to earn respect. Sure.

But what I saw was a mellow guy.

A guy who seeks dialogue.

A guy doing his best.

You know, Delphine, there'll always be jealous people.

There'll always be haters.

I'm warning you: I won't stand idly by while there's a dictator here.

What do you mean, stand by...?

DEATH TO THE TYRANT

You know when you said I could come to you if I had a problem?

- Yes! - I have a problem.

- Wonderful! I hope it's serious. - Uh... yeah, kinda.

There are a lot of reporters outside. - Wonderful.

- I'm not done. - Ah.

There are a lot of reporters outside and it's awkward for my client.

He needs secrecy, if you know what I mean.

So I was wonder...

I know. He needs to whistle.

- What? - He needs to whistle.

When you whistle, nobody can see you. Look.

Can you see me? - Well, yeah.

I was thinking maybe there was a service door.

Oh! I know.

What's all the ruckus? Could you maybe keep... your toys down?

You're making too much noise. So, for hand-to-hand combat, you...

Okay? And in battle, you...

Okay?

According to the regulation regarding any public event

with more than 25 persons within this hotel...

...every participant has equal access

to both the private and public areas of this establishment.

Who told you that?

Aren't you on comp time?

'Course.

You're spending your comp time at work? It's allowed?

I'm fast and... furious.

- What? - Are we jiving or driving?

- What's the connection? - You break her heart... I break your neck.

Okay, who are you supposed to be?

- Eric Judor! - Vin Diesel.

You're Eric Judor.

- No, I'm Vin Diesel. - You're Eric Judor.

- So you're an imam. - I'm not an imam. I'm a knight, obviously.

- Okay, please-- - You're a jihadist, man.

- I'm wearing a kimono! - Please...

Not cool.

Uh, I'm here to see the dicta... the...

Your boss.

I wanted to apologize, on behalf of the hotel...

...for the incident earlier.

Your safety and your comfort are our top priorities.

And I will personally take care of you.

So no more problems, no more incidents.

You can relax.

Free the Birghiz people!

Article 1: Men are born and remain free and equal in rights!

Article 2: The aim of all political association

is the preservation of the natural and imprescriptible rights of man!

Let go of me, you fascists!

Sorry about that.

That was unforeseen. It won't happen again.

Are my men gone?

Yes. It's all good. They're pursuing her...

Don't come near me. Don't come any closer!

Come on. Come on, come on. Let's sit down.

What's the matter? What is this?

You shouldn't do stuff like that. It's wrong.

- Everyone hates me anyway. - But you can't die like that...

...here.

Wouldn't I be better off?

- Stop. - It's true.

You must have a family. A wife, children.

Yes, but they hate me too, so there.

But, I don't know, you can't be all bad. You must've helped someone.

Yes, to die.

Okay, enough chitchat, 'cause I'm sensing...

some bad vibes, some bad mojo.

Let's relax and watch TV.

Alright.

You need to relax. Come on.

Tomorrow, the ruler known to his people as "the filthy louse"

will make his first speech since coming to power.

He's talking about someone else, not you!

I'm talking about him, not his father, Mohamar I.

Let's change the channel, 'cause that makes me...

Bam! Listen, what do you usually do to cheer yourself up?

- Uh, well, I go manhunting. I like that. - Something other than manhunting...

- Or Botox. Yeah, I like Botox too. - There you go! Botox. Perfect.

- Yeah? - Let's have a Botox session.

- Awesome. - Injections!

- Great. - Yes.

- I need a needle. Do you have one? - No, but I'll get right on it.

- Great. - Okay?

- Yeah. - Now...

no suicide! - Okay.

Here we go.

So you're in love? You're gonna make babies?

Or carve your names into someone?

Oh, yes, develop illegal nuclear programs for me.

Aren't the guards looking for you?

Lost them in the kitchen. Your dictator won't see them for a while.

You made the dictator sad.

I'm a dictator and I'm sad. Someone was mean to me!

- He nearly committed suicide! - Seriously?

Let him! It'd be great!

No dying here! You're hurting me!

- So what?! You can save the world! - No!

- No. - Yes.

Fuck the world.

Take it.

- You scared me. - There! There!

If a participant inconveniences a client, inside or outside the hotel,

the event will be confined to the rental space.

- Okay. Meaning? - Meaning game over, Daddy-o.

Back to the private lounge. Five minutes.

Goodbye, Madam.

When they strike, the empire strikes back.

Take it down a notch? You seem a little tense.

He's gone off the rails.

Your client's all set.

- What'd you do? - Something brilliant.

CALL GIRL'S CLIENTS SECRET EXIT

Are you kidding me?

You don't like it. Is it the font?

Oh, fuck.

Wait, wait, wait!

Don't worry, they're LEDs.

You're right, Botox's a great id...

No, wait! Don't!

Stay away!

- What? - I said don't come any closer!

I... What?

Okay, then. Come.

No, don't, or I'll jump.

Wait! Don't! Think of the pain you'll cause!

They're better off without me.

It can't be that bad.

I killed 200 people.

200 peo... 200 people is nothing for a dictator!

- You think so? - Of course!

It was a busy week. I usually kill way less people.

That's a lot, right? I knew it.

If you die... a lot of people will lose their jobs.

- Really? Who? - Your bodyguards.

Yes, if you die, your bodyguards won't protect a corpse.

If I die, they'll work for my son. He's the heir, so...

That's it!

You're an heir. It's not your fault.

- How so? - Well, you had a bad role model.

- Yes. - Of course.

And when you have a bad role model, as an adult, you're kind of out of control.

You're lost and, uh, a bellboy gets hurt.

- What? - People get killed. Anyway.

What I mean is, people don't realize how stressful it is.

Well, no.

Well, no. No!

Whatever you do, it's never good enough.

You have money, cars, swimming pools.

- Airports. - Yes.

Yes, yes, and planes.

- Yeah. - Nuclear warheads, too.

No, not me.

But a calm benevolence... No, not that.

Bupkis.

Sorry, Dad, if I'm not dressed well enough at your fuckin' cocktails.

Exactly. Sorry if my torture methods aren't "spectacular" enough for you.

And you're doing your best! You're doing your best.

Besides, I don't like torturing people. I don't.

- But you don't have to! - Really?

You don't have to.

Since you've already disappointed him...

...might as well do something you really enjoy.

What's your dream?

Uh... to be a model.

No. I mean, yes, a model, but you could also be something else!

Model and DJ!

Oh, yes, that's good.

Yeah, model and DJ... And YouTuber too! Model, DJ and YouTuber.

- There you go! - Yeah.

No need to jump.

So step back.

Okay, alright. Alright.

- Are you going to be okay? - Yeah.

- YouTuber! - Yeah...

I love it.

- What about your YouTuber name? - My YouTuber name?

I don't... Luc! Luc!

Luc's nice. - Yes.

Come on, let's go create a channel.

Luc's channel.

Is this my real hair? It took me about five years.

Come on. There. Come on!

I found them wandering around Reception.

- Come on, that's no crime. - They were eating the guests' candies.

What'd you expect? You locked us up in here without food!

Food?

But you're cosplayers,

not... eaters!

You know what? You're becoming a tyrant.

Now he's screwing with me.

My master taught me that if someone tramples my rights,

it's my duty to trample them.

This is getting weird. It's getting out of control.

- We should go. - Get in. We're out of here.

- Follow that car. - Okay.

Model, DJ and YouTuber. Great... Oh!

And mailman. Oh, yeah, mailman.

Mailman?

They can go wherever they want. They have keys to everything.

- Right! - Yeah, that's awesome.

Sorry about earlier. I... I don't know what got into me.

It's okay. What matters is you're safe and sound.

Yes, you're right. But it's not enough.

Because from now on, I've decided to be...

happy!

I'm going to be happy and make people happy!

That's what I wanted to hear! No more bombing people!

I'm still going to bomb them.

Bombard people with love!

I'm going to kill sadness!

I'll lock up misfortune.

I'll tear happiness apart!

To make more! - Oh yeah! Yeah. That's good.

- Thanks so much. - You're welcome.

- Really. Thanks for everything. - No problem.

New life, here I come!

Uh, you all saw, right?

He threw himself under the car.

Bastard did it for the insurance. He isn't even dead.

Yes, he's dead. Well, the main thing is to stay calm.

Or let it all out, like that.

But... a guest is dead!

- What's going on? - The dictator's dead.

No need, then.

- For what? - Nothing.

Wait. We have to do something.

Because if the bodyguards see this, they'll kill us!

Put him in the kitchen's cold room.

The cooks might think it's a bit odd if there's a naked guy in the cold room.

Why naked?

I... I don't know. Dressed is weird.

- No, Martin, what's weird is that he's dead. - Yes, exactly. So what now?

Suggestion: leave him here, his bodyguards find him, tyranny is dead.

So's the hotel, my reason for living and my good mood.

There he is.

Dumbledore?

You like costumes?

You want full powers?

Hello, hello. Please! Please!

Wait! I'll distract them. I'll distract them!

Please! Please!

Payback!

Is there a... a doctor...

out there?

A doctor or... a pilot.

A fighter pilot.

Or even a fighter... A Foo Fighter or a cockfighter... Please!

- Tell him to come out and face us! - No, this is unrelated.

I'm just here to help johns sneak out... discreetly.

Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Free--

From now on, it's life imprisonment

for anyone who mistakes Star Wars for Star Trek,

two entirely different franchises.

I will also demand the death penalty

for those who say "JIF" instead of "GIF"

and "mee-mee" instead of "meme."

Screw 'em!

Seriously, it's a bust. It's obviously not him.

Bull. Honestly, if you look quickly... you fall for it.

This dictator's great. Bravo, guys. Honestly, much better.

At least it buys us time. Thanks, Selim.

But clean this shit up.

And the death penalty for those who "like" their own comments.

Screw 'em.

Death penalty for...

A revolutionary robot we'll get to test today

for the first time ever.

Mr. Scratch, I'm a huge fan.

He had a stroke. He only understands rap.

Anything from the mini-bar...

Thomas? Everything okay?

- No problems, no conspiracies. - No one's working.

- What? - Only way you'll understand the street.

- Wait, wait, wait. - If, by day's end,

it's done a better job, it'll replace us and we're fired.

What?