Original subtitles

So where are you now?

- You can't see us? - I see you. But what's that?

- The private lounge. - Right. So it's lovely, nicely decorated...

Got it?

Got it.

So there's a big event today,

and for it to go well, you need to go far away, so scram.

Understood.

What event?

- I'd tell you, but you wouldn't understand. - Okay.

No, no, no, but that's... I know you want to know,

but I can't say anything. It's top secret, so...

I won't say a word. I...

Huh?

Let's look at the result.

We can admire the lace...

Well...

The oil should be absorbed.

We can start the massage.

Banged into something?

Uh... yeah.

- Into someone, 'cause a fist did that. - No, no. Golf incident.

I've been in enough fistfights to know. It's obvious.

And that's a golf bite?

Well, no. Silly accident. You're going to laugh.

I fell on a friend's dentures. Can you imagine?

FIGHT Your buddy do that too?

Well... if you really want to know, I'm part of a fight club.

We meet at a secret place and have bare-knuckle fights.

Yeah?

Is it any fun?

Only thing that makes me feel alive.

Got one here, by any chance? I'd pay to fight. It's been so long.

Yeah, of course we have one.

What hotel doesn't?

You're willing to pay top dollar to get in?

Anything.

Anything, huh? But who's counting?

Anything, huh?

Here.

Just a sec.

You okay? - Yeah. You?

- Great. - Cool.

Hiding?

Okay. I see what you mean.

No, I'm checking under the beds.

I check under the beds. Nothing here. It's spotless. Spotless.

Who you hiding from?

Either you're hiding or you love me.

If you're not hiding, you're trying to cockblock me.

'Cause you love me.

Okay, uh...

My childhood pal's downstairs at reception,

as... a guest.

You don't want him to know you're a bellboy.

No, I don't want him to know I'm working.

If he's your friend, just explain. He'll understand.

"Just explain. He'll understand."

You don't understand. If this gets out, I'll be mortified.

You don't understand. If you stay, I'll fuck my client over you.

Nonsense.

Well... okay. You win.

Oh, God! Yes!

Alright.

- Thanks. - All the best.

Our turn!

Alrighty.

Okay, they're here, four of them, motivated.

They've come from all over to see you, Martin. So rise to the occasion.

You're the best... Hello.

Please accept this gift.

It's actually a gold key, which symbolizes--

So, actually...

you closed the door.

And then, by accident of course, you...

since the door doesn't open from the outside, you locked me out.

Could... could you... could you please...

...op... open... open the door?

- What are you doing?! - Uh...

Oh, dear, you're moving the furniture. I have phobia of furniture-movers.

Yeah? How do you vacuum?

I lift it. If you move it, it scuffs the walls and stirs up dust!

It's full of germs! - Then I'll stop.

- You can't leave that there. - Then I'll carry on.

What's it for, anyway?

- Very good client who's phobic about furniture. - Even chairs?

They're his worst fear. When he was a child, a sectional sofa attacked him.

I don't know what you're up to, but it's nothing good.

- Not at all. - If I catch you--

- You know about the breakfast trolley? - What?

- A kid knocked it over. - Where?

- Third floor, I think. In the hallway. - Is there egg on the floor?

There's butter and jam...

Bouillabaisse and...

Hurry! It'll ruin the carpet!

Miss Dust Bunny...

Treetop adventure course...

Excuse me.

What's the matter?

I need to talk to the desk clerk over there.

Clerk! The guy hiding there wants to talk to you.

Subtle.

Excuse me, sir. Could you ask the man in red--

- No. Stop. - --what he wants?

The man with the little hat.

I'll be damned. William Mazière!

Then this asshole takes the jet-ski, drops it in the principal's tub, turns it on.

There was water everywhere!

You made him cry, huh? You even got him fired.

You were a fucking legend.

Anyway, sorry, but what's with the get-up?

You're a circus monkey?

A macaque?

Then explain.

What's the holdup? Go on, answer me, explain.

Well, it's, uh...

It's a game... role playing...

with this chick.

I... I...

I take her into her room and...

...bring her breakfast in bed.

Breakfast in bed.

My dick.

You're killing me, Mazière! The guy's a legend.

Where the hell's the waiter? An hour to bring Long Island Iced Teas.

You had to swim to Long Island?!

Hey, keep it down. I'll take care of it.

Excuse me.

"Excuse me?"

Why are you talking like a loser?

I don't know. I don't know why. It's true. But, uh... bartender?

Wh-what is that?

The name of the world's slowest superhero?

Sorry, sir. I was serving guests.

Guests...

Guests. And what are we?

See how he talks to me? Aren't you gonna do anything?

- Of course. 'Course. - Go on.

So... you-you-you're sorry?

Dude's sorry!

Well, let me tell you something, buddy. I'm... I'm...

I'm the one who's sorry.

For... this.

Now I need to pee.

I'll... clean it up.

Gentlemen...

Welcome to Fight Club.

The first rule of Fight Club--

We do not talk about Fight Club.

Get out.

Get your shit and scram. Where does Lionel Jospin think he is?

As I was saying, the first rule of Fight Club:

It ain't free.

Everyone pay up.

And your personal effects: watches, jewelry, rings, credit cards, codes.

To avoid injury. Second rule of Fight Club:

Hydrate, or you'll be sore and I'll have to massage you.

You're wrinkled. It sucks.

Alright? Shall we warm up? Alain? Didier? Rotate your shoulders.

It's on!

Come on, bring it.

Hit me!

This rocks!

Give me your hair! Give me your hair!

Take that!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

- Alrighty. - Bring it!

Down! Down!

Sweet Mary Poppins.

Welcome to the ConciergeCon.

Welcome to the ConciergeCon.

The first international concierge convention.

Well, I know you're not here willingly, but we can still have fun.

I've planned some activities, such as role playing,

a quiz on famous concierges - I may be on it -

and karaoke featuring concierge-themed songs.

For that, we need silence, so...

Okay. So... this is the bottle.

Whoever holds the bottle has the floor. I've got the bottle, so it's my turn.

But if I hand it to you...

Yes, so... well, you're supposed to catch the bottle...

But it's not working, because you didn't...

- Jessica? Wait. My cousin? - Yeah.

Yeah. I fucked her.

- You fucked her? You fucked my cousin? - Yeah!

Excuse me, could you please bring my suitcase up to my room?

Mind doing it yourself?

I beg your pardon?

Please?

Seriously?

At these rates, you better do your job--

- Okay, okay. - And you'll take my suitcase up.

You're into grannies now?

Right. I'm into grannies.

I'll shag her and come back, okay? You like that? Huh, hottie? Look.

Let's go. No, 'cause...

So there are lots of activities...

Unacceptable.

Like karting. It's 15-20 minutes away.

- I won't stand for it! - You say that 'cause you've never gone karting.

I'm proud of you. Keep it up and I'll enter you in the Olympics!

You've got champion's ass, Didier! Champion's ass!

Guys, tell Lionel Jospin to come next week. No problem. Everyone's welcome.

I love those guys.

Uh... Didier? Didier, I'm short 20 euros.

What floor was the butter on? Nobody's heard of the trolley.

- You... went to the third floor? - Yes.

No, I meant the third-and-a-half floor.

You know, the middle floors between the floors.

Every hotel has a middle floor.

You... you... know that, right?

You're hiding something from me, Selim. And I hate it when people do that.

You smell of sweat and bathrobes. - 'Course. I'm the spa manager.

Blood...

Vomit...

You moved the furniture...

I know what you did!

You started a fight club!

What?

If you mess up the place, Spaman, if a single drop of blood hits the carpet,

if you spread a single germ from bodily fluids...

...I'll snatch one of your kids.

You hear me, Spaman?

Nod if you heard me.

I'll find your fight club. And you know what? I'll shut it down.

I'm sorry. Things are complicated right now.

Are you mad?

They'll be gone soon anyway.

Oh, don't worry.

Wouldn't want to bother you while you're having fun with your "friends."

First, they're not really my friends anym...

Tell me, Forrest Gump, we're looking for Mazière. Seen him?

Who?

William Mazière. Doesn't ring a bell?

The guy you work for.

What?

What? Something on my face?

What are you looking at, huh? What's the matter with him?

Trying to make me angry? Want me to kick your ass?

Hold me back or I'll kick his ass.

You want a piece of me?

Fuck, Mazière! What were you doing under the desk?

Playing with his balls, or what?

Damn! Look, guys, a doghouse! Dude's got a doghouse!

He's a dog!

- Give me your paw. - Are you four, or what?

In dog years, it's more. At least five years!

What's this? Oh, his leash! Look what I found!

Dude's got a leash! - Leave that...

Oops, I broke it.

Anyway, you won't run away. You work here.

Mazière, I have something to show you. Guys.

It's a pity, 'cause I had a lot of stuff planned...

If you keep talking, I'm out.

Okay, I'm out.

For real.

I'm going. If I go, ConciergeCon's over.

So...

Okay, I'm out.

Really. I know I'm funny, but I'm not kidding.

Here I go.

And if I go, party's over. It'd be a shame.

This is Fight Club!!!

Go on, Mazière. Go on!

Move. Look, look, look.

Whiteys, welcome to Fight Club!

As the old hands can tell you, the first rule of Fight Club is?

- It ain't free. - "It ain't free"?!

Of course. You thought it was free? No!

It's: Don't stain the floor!

We stay under the radar.

You can get walloped, get a bloody nose, lose a tooth,

as long as you wipe up the blood and catch the tooth

before it hits the ground, we're good!!!

Putin, in the middle.

Clint Eastwood too.

Robes off.

Damn.

It's on!!!

Come on!

You're next.

Yeah, Clint Eastwood!!

- I'm not fighting anyone. - You're not fighting them.

You're fighting him.

Come on! Come on, guys, it's your turn!

Kick his ass!

Hand-to-hand! Hand-to-hand!

Mazière, what the hell?! Kick his ass!

Fuck, he's not your friend!

We're your friends! So kick his ass!

Hit him!

Hit him! Hit him!

- Come on! - Come on!

Come on, Mazière.

Look at him! He's just a shitty employee!

I'm an employee too!

I have a works council, lunch vouchers!

Colleagues!

You work and you didn't tell us?!

You didn't tell us?!

You're toast, Mazière!!

Ah-ha! I knew it.

How'd you find us? I cleaned everything up.

No way.

You're in a fight club?

One day, I hurt a man. I turned him over. It was my father.

He never played mini-golf again.

I swore I'd stop.

That's why I didn't want one here. To avoid temptation.

Employees, this is unacceptable!

Guests, I invite you to enjoy our buffet. There's a delicious prawn cocktail!

- But I like it. - But I make the decisions!

Isn't the customer always right?

Yes.

You're right.

Okay, bye.

Have a good... fight.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

You'll pay for this. I'm gonna ruin you.

Hope to see you again.

Macaque!

Well... sorry. I did my best.

Don't worry. It's behind us.

Right. What incident?

Yes, when... when you humiliated me. Earlier, with the guys--

Well, I've got work to do.

Sorry about shutting down your fight club.

No worries. I bet on you.

Just don't fall off the wagon.

Don't worry, I can behave. It was just a slip-up.

A misdemeanour...

A manor?

Why a manor?

Oh, dear.

- What's going on? - Two guests are getting married.

- A wedding. How sweet. - Everything will be ready for this afternoon?

It's a disaster.

- A tramp shat in the steam room. - What?!

I'm asking you to plan the wedding, so do it!

- I'll cater the wedding. - Get out.

- We have a problem. - What now?

Let's calm down.

Chill. - You want to rot in jail?!

It's over.

I'm not chickening out.

Oh, crap.