Original subtitles

Clémence?

- How are you? - Good. You?

Crap, my knee.

Coffee? Anything?

No, thanks. I'm gonna take a nap.

I worked all night, if you know what I mean.

Yes... Yes, I do.

Well, about... your job

and its peculiarities,

just so you know, it doesn't bother me.

And why would it?

Well, no... I'm not being clear.

Actually, I think it's great that you don't let men

boss you around. That's... Well, that's good.

Sometimes they do. It's just more expensive.

No... What I actually meant...

Forget it. I got it. You're cute, you know.

Wait. I'm cute? But when you say "you're cute," it's, like:

"Oh, my God, how cute!"

or something like...

"Damn, that guy... is cute."

Stop it. Besides, even if I were attracted to you,

I have a strict policy: No sex with the hotel staff.

Ditto.

William, everything alright? Would you like anything?

No, thanks. I have juice.

Sure? Because we have sangria, lemon soda, termination notice...

- My shift starts at 9:00. - And the clock struck 9:00...

...18 seconds ago.

You've been waiting all this time?

- No. - Yes. You hid behind the counter.

Serge. Bartender. We haven't been introduced.

Great. Serge, William. William, Serge.

Now get to work.

The manager's more fun.

Oh, she's fun. Absolutely.

But she's not here. And when she's not, I'm the boss.

- Later, then. - Right.

So you think it's funny to destroy this hotel's reputation, escort lady?

What do you mean?

- Right. - Sorry. I have a date.

Alright.

FYI, termination notices aren't on the menu.

I mean, because you said earlier...

Please clean the room

Thomas, can...

What are you doing?

Checking if my eyebrows are the same.

Then I'm so sorry to bother you. Check if room 102 was occupied last night?

When I came in this morning, the room was spotless.

- The room's occupied. So was I. - Indeed, there was someone last night.

Unbelievable. What kind of guest tidies up, makes the bed and cleans the bathroom?

Who is it?

Forget it. Professional secret. Pillow talk is sacred.

- Like semen. - Not even!

Usually, when I clean a room, it's like a Jackson Pollock painting.

But this time, nothing.

I don't get it.

An American Abstract Expressionist painter.

- You know him? - Who?

- Pollock. - Who?

Anyway, I knew you'd be of no help at all. I'll handle it myself.

Thomas, please come? It's about...

The carpet.

I'm on it!

- Unbelievable. It makes me crazy. - Me too! It's so comfortable to walk on!

Plus they had it cleaned. - I'm talking about Clémence.

You said it was about the carpet!

- Come on, that was a lie. - You lied!

- How long have you known Clémence? - Why?

Because I think she's pretty and, you know, if I could...

Eat her out?

No. No! Get to know her. I wouldn't mind.

Forget it. I asked her out once in exchange for a PlayStation, two games and a joystick,

and she turned me down, claiming it was a golden rule or something.

That's bullshit.

No. Because it's golden. So it's not just any metal--

Thomas, I mean she's playing hard to get.

But if you're a nice guy, and make her laugh...

- You'll eat her out. - No. Clémence--

Excuse me. I heard you offered wonderful helicopter tours.

Can you book one for me?

Sorry. No rides since '96.

What?

Franz Krieger, our pilot, tried to loop through a train tunnel. Bam!

Game over. Dead.

- Oh, Lord! - Yes.

Well, thanks anyway.

What's wrong? What's going on?

What... - It's Franz...

I never got to meet him.

And he's dead.

No, I lied. I lied.

What?!

It's from Mission: Impossible. The scene with Jean Reno.

- Lying is wrong. - It's wrong, but convenient.

It gets you out of lame stuff like that.

Yeah.

Like...

What if I told you that I'm really...

...a dinosaur?

Yeah, that's... right. It's pointless, but that's right.

You get it.

Yeah.

Yeah... that's it.

Yeah, you got it. That's it. It's totally pointless, but...

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

No. But maybe that was rhetorical.

- It was. - Yeah, your tone made that pretty clear.

This is a five-star hotel. We can't have escorts hanging around.

It makes families and staff uncomfortable.

You mean it makes you uncomfortable?

Not at all. But when you enter a room, William stops working.

- So he actually works here? - You're not helping.

Maybe William likes me. Doesn't make me an escort.

Turns out I have many friends here.

Mostly men, sure, but that's not my fault.

- You think I'm an idiot? - Is that rhetorical?

I'll prove you're an escort and kick you out!

You'll need proof, dear.

Bye now. My good friend...

Stéphane wants to watch TV.

With me. Later.

And she's funny... witty...

Her hair...

She does have hair.

I inspected the room. Nothing!

It's spotless!

Her hair, though...

We've been waiting an hour for our luggage. What's the deal?

- Indeed-- - Is this a classy hotel, or not?

Because we can always go elsewhere.

- We're not, are we? - I'm just making a point.

Actually, we had an urgent situation due to...

...a celebrity.

Like... a star?

- Yes. - I couldn't care less about celebrities!

I'm a paying customer and I expect the same treatment.

Of course, but this is someone famous.

- Oh? - Who?

It's...

- Lou... - Lou Reed?

- No. - Lou Bega?

Âne. It's Louane.

- From The Voice? - Yes!

- I'm a huge fan! I voted for her, remember? - Yes.

- I voted 16 times. 47 euros. She wasn't happy. - 47 euros. No, I wasn't.

- So you understand. - Yeah, totally.

So could we say hi?

Uh, no.

No, because...

She's sick.

Bullshit.

It's true. I even brought her Tylenol 3.

- Why should we believe you? - Let's call her!

Yes, let's.

It's just a phone call, really.

No.

Yes. 'Cause I'm sure your boss would be delighted to hear that we waited an hour for our luggage.

- I don't think so. I think he'd fire William. - Wouldn't that be a shame.

Such a shame.

Ouch.

- We'll find a solution. - Yes.

You will.

And our luggage!

Shit!

What the hell?

Energy boost!

More like a cancer boost.

Potayto, potahto. Same difference.

Why tell them we'd call her? Are you stupid?

I'm sure she'll agree. She grew up with deaf people.

She has a big heart.

But Louane's not a guest.

Oh, that was a lie! Sorry, I didn't get it.

Fuck. What now?

Find Louane. Chop-chop.

No. Read my lips. Louane's not a guest.

- Yeah... - You're so screwed, man.

You don't even know what we're talking about!

But I know you look screwed.

We could ask someone to impersonate her on the phone.

Yes... we could ask Delphine.

She told me she was busy. Something really, really, really important.

And I can't ask Clémence. She'd laugh at me.

And you? - I'll do it for 100.

I guess there's no choice.

- Fifty. Final offer. - No. Thomas...

You'll be Louane.

You'll say: "I'm Louane. I'm sick."

"I can't kiss you, but thanks for your supp..."

"I'm Louane. I can't say kiss you, but thanks for your support."

Then you hang up. That's it.

I'll write it down.

Write it in big letters so he can read it.

You're right. I'll write it in caps--

No, not caps. Use uppercase letters.

Not the E.

What are you doing?

Waiting for the guest who makes his own room. He's still inside. Look: "Do Not Disturb."

When he comes out, I'll grill him. I need to know his reasons, process, goal.

Okay. I have something to do, but we'll discuss this later, alright?

I can't feel my legs. I'll go in and surprise him.

No! This is a five-star hotel.

Hiding behind this trolley is one thing, but the Do Not Disturb sign is sacrosanct.

Stay put.

So?

As I told you, she's... she's very sick.

But... she agreed to a quick phone call!

To chat.

- Like in The Voice! We'll hear her voice! - Wait and see.

I'm dialling.

- My heart's pounding. - Calm down. Calm down!

Uh... hello?

Fu... Yes!

Yes, Louane? Yes?

I have two of your fans here.

- Yes, huge fans. - Huge fans.

Huge fans. They want a quick word.

FYI, she's very hoarse.

We don't mind.

Go on, talk to her!

Hello. Pascal Barillaud.

Is this Louane?

"Pretend to be Louane" Is this Louane?

Yes. Yes, it's... it's me, Louane.

Awesome.

I just wanted to say I'm a huge fan.

- Me, too. - Pascaline, too.

We love your music.

We would've picked you from the start.

Thanks so much.

She really sounds terrible.

Unfortunately, I can't kiss you hello.

- No kiss. - No kiss?

Okay, then. That's too bad.

But I understand. You take care. It doesn't matter. We'll--

Excuse me. No kiss? Okay. But how about a photo?

Yes, a photo!

Okay. But no kiss, just a photo.

Alright, kisses. No, no kiss!

Awesome! See you soon! She's adorable.

- Of course! What a doll! - Wonderful.

So what did he... What did she say?

She's coming. Awesome. Let's get ready.

- My heart's pounding. - Go. What are you wearing?

That's great!

Professional liar.

You can't do that during working hours.

Give me one good reason not to tell on you.

The fact that you're doing it too?

Good one, yes.

Aha! Got you! Now scram, or I'll call the cops.

- What's going on here? - Well, I don't know.

This employee, I suppose, had the audacity to call me a prostitute.

Unacceptable, isn't it?

Excuse me?

Who do you think you are? You think I'm the kind of guy

who pays chicks to sleep with him because he and his wife aren't having sex

and he hasn't had a handjob in 11 months?

Not at all, sir.

You realize what you just said?

That's a very serious accusation, sir. I have a wife and two kids!

You really think they'd believe these accusations?

Which, by the way, are patently false.

I could sue you.

No, that won't be necessary.

Then put your money where your mouth is. A free bottle of champagne.

- Two. - Two. Two bottles on the house.

And housekeeping. I don't know who's responsible, but it's really gross.

Very well, sir.

My sincere apologies. - That's okay.

Well, goodbye, miss. - Goodbye, sir.

It was a pleasure, talking to you about the...

...seasonal migration of sheep in 18th-century Castile.

Likewise.

- See you soon. - Yes.

See you.

If you can't prove she's hooking, you won't be able to prove anything.

- Meanwhile, your customer split. - What?

Please clean the room

Hi. Timothée. My name's Timothée... No, not Timothée.

Hi. I'm Élodie, I invented the letter U.

Excuse me. I heard Louane was here. Is it true?

Are there other celebrities?

- Yeah. - Who?

Yeah, there's...

Lobster...

Lobster?

Log. Lobster Log.

Lobster Log?

Yes. But there are other stars, too.

There's... Kendji Girac.

He's here. Hugh Jackman.

And the dark-haired girl from Taxi...

Really? Marion Cotillard?

Marion Cotillard. She's here too.

Excuse me. I couldn't help but overhear.

You just said Marion Cotillard's here?

Yes!

But not only her. Not only her.

Meet me in 10 minutes. Room 143. An anonymous guest.

Look! It's the bellboy who knows celebrities!

- So-- - There are "stars" and stars.

- What have you done? - What you told me.

They're excited to meet the stars!

There are no stars.

But you said lying was fun!

My dear Thomas, this time, I think you nailed it.

Let me do the talking.

First, unzip your dress.

Alright, mysterious stranger.

But... mind telling me your name?

Let me do the talking.

It's a shame. I love talking.

Who is the best concierge

It's Martin

Martin Martin The best concierge in the w--

Okay, fine, it's me.

- So you're paying for escorts now? - So you admit you're an escort?

- Your word against mine. - But maybe I bugged the room.

If it's as crappy as your recorder, I'm not worried.

Actually, the bug was the recorder. And I broke it.

There's a very simple way of proving to everyone that I'm an escort.

You pay me, we sleep together...

And you'll have conclusive proof.

I'm... totally up for...

...se-se-sex.

- For? - S-se...

Good.

What are you doing here?

What about you?

I'm messing up the room so he'll call me and I can finally understand!

What are you doing here?!

- Guests are chasing me-- - Too long. Get out. It's my hideout.

Wait. Don't...

- You'll screw everything up. - You're hurting me!

Oh! Alright already.

Unbelievable! I can't have a minute of peace here.

- Oh, fuck! - There's the bellboy!

- Please! - Sir! Sir!

Good evening.

Well, I'm waiting.

Yes... Well, I...

I'm... I'm coming.

We don't have to.

If we do it, you're done here, right?

I'll leave, stay away from your guests,

and, above all, stop flustering your bellboy.

Okay, let's do this, then.

Fair warning: I sweat a lot, so...

It's rather surprising at first.

We're your fans! We're entitled!

- Chris Marques! - Yeah. How's it going?

- Good. What are you doing here? - I'm a guest. I need a massage.

Sure.

Could you put that on my tab? Room... 102.

Anything you want, Mr. Marques.

- There he is! - Little fucker! Kick his ass!

- Oh, my God! - He's famous!

It's Chris Marques!

You did it! You did it!

Oh, my God! I can't believe it!

What's going on? We can hear you down the hall!

- Calm down. - Sorry.

I know who the crazy guest is. A somebody.

- He's famous? - Yes.

- Frank Michael? - No.

Andre Agassi's wife?

Andre Agassi's daughter?

- Martin's sleeping with Clémence. - Who's Clémence?

- The escort. - Get a room!

- Or you can "privatize" her. - What?

You're confusing escort with reception room.

Every time you want to criticize employees, you'll pay them two compliments first.

How can I compliment that?

Unbelievable!

What is this? Three Mexicans bursting into my room while I'm showering!

Getting tips isn't that complicated.

- Meaning? - Do your job properly.

- I didn't ask for orange juice! - You're not free, Willy!

- You can't imagine what I buy with my tips. - Sure I can.