Original subtitles

>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY

FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION

PROGRAM...

>> Susan: MOVE THEM TO

NEW YORK CITY...

>> David: AND GIVE THEM THEIR

OWN REALITY SHOW?

>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO

>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON

"DELOCATED!"...

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> Mike: IT'S OBVIOUS THE

MIRMINSKYS HAVE STEPPED THINGS

UP.

THE GOVERNMENT'S LAUNCHED A

PROGRAM CALLED "OPERATION MANY

JONS."

>> Jon: DECOYS!

>> KILLING JON IS TOO EASY.

KILLING THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM IS

MORE FUN.

>> JON'S PARENTS WERE MURDERED.

>> I GET TO LOOK INSIDE HIS

SOUL...

>> HE'S DEAD.

>> Jon: MIKE!

>> ...AND WATCH IT CRUMBLE TO

DUST.

>> Jon: MIKE!

[ GRUNTING ]

I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT, BUT

I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED AGAIN.

I WON'T.

>> ROB.

>> DARREN.

WELL, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT

IT.

I --

[ SCOFFS ]

IT'S OFFICIALLY OVER BETWEEN ME

AND SUSAN.

DARREN RESIGNED TODAY.

THEY'RE MOVING IN TOGETHER.

>> Jon: YOU KNOW, ROB, WHEN THEY

TOLD ME YOU WERE GONNA BE MY

AGENT, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA

LOSE MY MIND.

NOW WE'RE A COUPLE OF BROS IN

THE HOOD.

>> NOW WE'RE TWO BROS IN A POD.

>> Jon: COUPLE OF BROS PULLING A

BROS MOSE DOWN THE STREET.

I MEAN, LOOK, WHAT I'M TRYING

TO SAY IS I, UH...

I'M GLAD WE'RE CLIMBING

FRIENDSHIP MOUNTAIN.

>> YEAH, ME TOO. ME TOO.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

[ MUFFLED GRUNTING ]

WHAT IS THAT?

>> [ GRUNTING ]

>> Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

>> GUYS!

GUYS!

TAKE FIVE, ALL RIGHT?

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> JON, COME ON IN.

>> Jon: WHAT THE HELL'S GOING

ON?

>> COME ON.

>> JON, SIT DOWN.

THERE IS A MOLE IN THE DECOY

PROGRAM.

>> I ENJOYED VISITING YOUR

PARENTS.

>> Jon: YOU'RE A [BLEEP] DEAD

MAN, ASSHOLE!

YOU'RE DEAD!

YOU'RE [BLEEP] DEAD!

>> GO AHEAD. KILL ME.

WHAT DO I CARE ANYMORE?

I BROKE YOU DOWN!

>> Jon: LET GO!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

I WON! I WON!

>> Jon: LET GO OF ME!

>> COME ON!

>> Jon: LET GO!

>> OHHH.

IS LITTLE JONNY GOING TO CRY

NOW?

[ WHIMPERS MOCKINGLY ]

>> Jon: DON'T YOU MAKE THAT

[BLEEP] FACE AT ME!

>> I'M SO SAD!

>> Jon: I'LL RIP YOUR [BLEEP]

FACE OFF!

I'LL RIP IT OFF, AND I'LL PUT IT

ON M FACE, AND I'LL INFILTRATE

YOUR FAMILY AND KILL YOUR

FRIENDS!

YOU LIKE THAT?

YOU EVER SEE "FACE/OFF"?

YOU EVER SEE THAT MOVIE,

ASSHOLE?

SOMEONE GET THIS ASSHOLE

"FACE/OFF"!

GET HIM A DVD, GUYS!

GO TO THE STORE.

THERE'S A TOWER DOWN THE STREET.

>> GET HIM A DVD!

>> Jon: SHOW IT TO HIM.

>> GET HIM A DVD.

>> Jon: MAKE SURE YOU GET THE

CRITERION ONE, THE ONE THAT'S

GOT EXTRAS ON IT.

THERE'S TWO -- THERE'S TWO

DIFFERENT DVDs.

YOU KNOW WHAT? GET BOTH.

GET BOTH.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

WHAT?

>> JON, COME HERE.

>> Jon: GET READY TO WATCH A

MOVIE, ASSHOLE.

>> JON, THE INCREDIBLY,

FARFETCHED AND MEDICALLY

IMPOSSIBLE FACE-SWITCHING

TECHNOLOGY IN "FACE/OFF"...

IT'S REAL.

>> Jon: COME ON.

>> YEAH.

>> WOULD YOU ACTUALLY BE WILLING

TO SWITCH FACES WITH HIM?

BECAUSE NONE OF OUR GUYS WILL DO

IT.

>> Jon: YEAH, OF COURSE I WOULD

DO IT.

I -- REALLY?

WE CAN REALLY DO THAT?

>> SEE, THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF

CHATTER IN THE MIRMINSKY FAMILY

INTEL, AND WE DON'T KNOW WHETHER

THAT'S DRUGS OR WEAPONS OR WHAT,

BUT WE KNOW IT'S BIG.

SO THAT'S WHY WE ALLOWED SERGEI

TO BELIEVE THAT HE HAD

PENETRATED OUR SECURITY, SO WE

COULD DETAIN HIM AND THEN INSERT

OUR OWN MOLE INTO THE MIRMINSKY

FAMILY.

>> Jon: RIGHT.

NO, THAT'S PERFECT.

YOU GET IN, GET THE INFORMATION

YOU NEED, GET OUT, GET BACK

HERE, GO TO THE HOSPITAL, GET MY

FACE BACK ON -- BOOM!

YES. LET'S DO IT.

>> SO, THE FIRST THING I'M GOING

TO TEACH YOU IS TO INCREASE

THE DISTANCE.

YOU PUT TWO FINGERS ON HIS

THROAT RIGHT HERE, AND YOU

GENTLY PUSH HIM BACK AND YOU

SAY, "FROM NOW ON, WE TALK FROM

HERE."

I'M WALKING AWAY.

BUT I'M NOT!

[ GRUNTS ]

>> Jon: OH! NICE!

>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

>> Jon: [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]

>> SO LET'S SAY WE ARE IN A BAR.

WE HAVE A BAR RIGHT HERE.

>> Jon: WE'RE AT A BAR.

>> YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO ATTACK

HIM.

YOU TAKE THE STOOL AND SMASH HIM

ON THE HEAD LIKE THIS.

FLIP IT AROUND.

JAB HIM IN THE GUT LIKE THAT.

>> AGAIN.

>> AH, COME ON, JON!

>> CORE TRAINING!

>> Jon: STOP YELLING AT ME!

OH!

[ CRIES ]

I'M GONNA DO THIS! HERE WE GO!

I'M DONE! TOO TIRED!

[ GRUNTS ]

FIRST THING -- WE DON'T TALK

FROM HERE.

INCREASE THE DISTANCE.

SECOND, WALK AWAY.

I GOT TO GO.

I GOT TO GO HOME, AND I GOT A

DVD I GOT TO -- NO, I'M NOT!

I'M GONNA WATCH THEM LATER!

>> GOOD.

>> Jon: ONE MILLION!

[ GROANS ]

WHOO!

OH, MAN, I'M PRETTY, UH, I'M

PRETTY THIRSTY.

[ SHOUTS ]

GAH!

SMASH YOUR TOE!

HEY, YOU!

SMASH!

OH, HEY, UH, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS

THINKING ABOUT IN THE BATHROOM?

>> WHAT?

>> Jon: INCREASING THE DISTANCE!

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: THE DUDE.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

MAN, WE REALLY ARE GONNA

INCREASE THE DISTANCE, AREN'T

WE?

>> LET'S HOPE WE DON'T INCREASE

IT PERMANENTLY, LIKE 6 FEET

UNDERGROUND.

HEY, I MADE YOU SOMETHING.

>> Jon: OH, YEAH?

>> YEP.

>> Jon: WHAT DO YOU GOT?

>> IT'S A...

STOOL BACKPACK!

>> Jon: WOW!

>> SO NOW YOU HAVE A STOOL JUST

IN CASE YOU'RE ANYWHERE WHERE,

LIKE, A FIGHT BREAKS OUT AND

THERE'S NO STOOLS.

>> Jon: YEAH. THIS IS VERY COOL.

HERE -- HELP ME GET IT ON.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: HUH?

>> OH.

>> Jon: WOW. VERY COMFY.

OHHHHH.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> Jon: AND OHHHHH!

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

OH.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

MAN, OH, MAN.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: AFTER TOMORROW...

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.

WHO KNOWS WHEN WE'LL SEE EACH

OTHER AGAIN?

YOU KNOW...

MAYBE TONIGHT WE SHOULD, UH,

THINK ABOUT DECREASING THE

DISTANCE...

BETWEEN OUR CROTCH AREAS.

>> JON...

>> Jon: MM-HMM?

>> SOMETIMES YOU HAVE A WAY

WAY OF SAYING THINGS THAT'S SO

OBNOXIOUS, IT'S ADORABLE.

IT GETS ME.

>> Jon: YEAH?

>> YEAH.

LET'S DECREASE THE DISTANCE.

HARD.

>> Jon: HMM.

>> YEAH.

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: [ EXHALES ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: [ EXHALES ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Jon: [ GASPS ]

>> NO. NOW WHAT?

>> Jon: OOH.

OOH. OOH-HOO-HOO-HOO.

>> UH-OH.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

>> Jon: OOH. I JUST CREAMED.

I JUST CREAMED.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> YOU'RE ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> GOOD LUCK WITH THE FACE

SURGERY.

>> Jon: HEY, SERGEI.

HEY, MAN. OVER HERE.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

FIRST THING I DO WHEN I COME TO,

I'M GONNA PUNCH MYSELF RIGHT IN

YOUR FACE.

GET IT?

'CAUSE YOUR FACE IS GONNA BE ON

MY FACE, AND I'M GONNA PUNCH IT.

YOU GOT IT? I WIN!

I WIN!

WAKE HIM UP SO I CAN TELL HIM I

WIN!

I WI--

[ MONITOR BEEPING ]

[ COMPUTER BEEPING RAPIDLY ]

>> Jon: [ GROANS ]

[ SIGHS ]

[ Distorted ] I CAN'T BELIEVE

IT'S REAL.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

I STILL SOUND LIKE ME.

>> WE STILL NEED TO RE-CALIBRATE

YOUR VOICE MODULATOR.

>> Jon: OH.

>> SAY "I WILL SPOON-FEED JON

HIS OWN BALLS."

AND USE YOUR RUSSIAN ACCENT.

>> Jon: [ Russian accent,

distorted ] I WILL SPOON-FEED

JON HIS OWN BALLS.

>> AGAIN.

>> Jon: I WILL SPOON FEED JON

[as Sergei] HIS OWN BALLS.

>> PERFECT.

>> Jon: [ American accent ] MY

GOD.

>> JON, THIS IS A TWO-WAY MICRO

TRANSMITTER.

THIS WILL ALLOW US TO STAY IN

CONSTANT CONTACT WITH YOU AND

ALSO HEAR EVERYTHING THAT YOU'RE

HEARING AT ALL TIMES.

>> Jon: * BER-NER-NER

* "FACE/OFF" WAS A MOVIE

* NOW IT'S MY LIFE

* BER-NER-NER

* I'M READY TO DO THIS

* BER!

>> David: "MEATUS."

>> WHAT IS A MEATUS?

>> David: IT'S, UH...

>> HEY.

I THOUGHT YOU HAD THE SURGERY

TODAY.

>> Jon: FRRT!

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> David: OH, MY GOD. DAD?

>> Jon: I KNOW!

IT'S INSANE, RIGHT?

>> YEAH, IT'S -- IT'S PRETTY

CONVINCING.

>> Jon: YEAH, WELL, IT SHOULD

BE.

IT'S HIS ACTUAL FACE.

CHECK OUT THE GUNS.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

[ CHUCKLES ]

THIS IS STEROIDS RIGHT HERE,

BUDDY.

>> JON...

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.

COME HERE.

TRAVOLTA DID THAT IN "FACE/OFF."

WELL, THIS IS IT.

>> YEAH. THIS IS IT.

>> Jon: OOH.

I ALMOST CREAMED AGAIN.

[ GRUNTS ]

SEE YOU IN THE BONE ZONE.

[ ALL SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN ]

>> Jon: [ Russian accent ] HEY!

HEY!

>> All: HEY!

>> Jon: I JUST WANT TO KEEP

PRACTICING MY ENGLISH FOR WHEN

I'M A DECOY.

[ American accent ] UH, YEAH.

I CAN GO DOWN THE STREET AND GET

SOME TOILET PAPER FOR JON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY, OKAY.

I WOULD -- I WOULD LIKE TO SAY

SOMETHING, OKAY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

I DON'T THINK ANY OF US THOUGHT

WE'D EVER SEE THE DAY WHEN

SERGEI WOULD SETTLE DOWN.

BUT YOU CAN'T DO MUCH BETTER

THAN THE YOUNGEST DAUGHTER OF

KING ABDULLAH BIN ABDUL AZIZ

AL-HASEEM IF YOU'RE GOING TO

TAKE THE PLUNGE AND GET MARRIED.

TO SERGEI!

>> All: TO SERGEI!

SERGEI!

SERGEI!

[ Muffled ] SERGEI!

SERGEI!

SERGEI!

>> HOLY MOTHER [BLEEP]

>> SERGEI...

>> Jon: [ Russian accent ] WHAT?

>> YOU REALLY THINK I'M A COOL

GUY?

>> Jon: YES. OF COURSE.

>> THANK YOU.

[ Voice breaking ] THANK YOU SO

MUCH.

REALLY MEANS A LOT.

>> Jon: I HAVE TO GO TO THE

BATHROOM.

>> [ WHIMPERS ]

HE THINKS I'M A COOL GUY!

[ GASPS ]

HE THINKS I'M A COOL GUY!

[ CRYING ]

>> Jon: [ American accent ] GET

ME OUT OF HERE -- NOW.

>> OKAY, RELAX, JON.

>> Jon: DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX,

ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED.

WHO THE HELL IS KING ABDULLAH?

>> THE AL-HASEEMS ARE ONE OF THE

MOST POWERFUL OIL FAMILIES IN

THE WORLD, WITH SUSPECTED TIES

TO GLOBAL TERRORISM.

>> Jon: ROB, JUST GET ME OUT OF

HERE RIGHT NOW.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

[ WATER RUNNING ]

>> WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO,

SERGEI?

>> Jon: [ Russian accent ] WHAT?

UH...

JUST TALKING...

TO MYSELF.

I-I'M JUST VERY NERVOUS.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE

GETTING MARRIED AGAIN.

>> I THOUGHT THIS WAS FIRST

TIME.

>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.

FIRST TIME.

OF COURSE FIRST TIME.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU SEE?

YOU SEE?

THIS WEDDING'S GOT ME ALL CRAZY!

WOMEN, HUH?

>> LOOK, JON, JUST RELAX.

GET BACK OUT THERE.

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WE'LL THINK OF A PLAN AND GET

BACK TO YOU.

>> Jon: ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

GONNA GET BACK OUT THERE AND

START HAVING A GOOD TIME.

>> GOOD FOR YOU.

>> Jon: OKAY.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

OKAY!

WHO'S BUYING ME A DRINK?!

[ ALL CHEER ]

>> WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO

PAY THE DEEJAY.

>> THEN LET'S JUST KILL HIM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SERGEI CAN DO IT.

COME ON, COOL GUY!

COOL GUY!

>> All: COOL GUY!

COOL GUY!

COOL GUY!

>> JON, YOU CANNOT DO THIS.

>> All: COOL GUY! COOL GUY!

>> Jon: [ American accent ] WHAT

CHOICE DO I HAVE?

>> WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

WHAT WAS THAT, SERGEI?

>> Jon: [ Russian accent ] WHAT

CHOICE DO WE HAVE?

LET'S DO IT!

LET'S ALL DO IT!

OKAY?

>> JON?

>> Jon: [ American accent ]

SORRY ABOUT THIS, MAN.

NOTHING PERSONAL.

GREAT SET TONIGHT.

[ GUNSHOTS ]

[ VOMITING ]

[ GROANS ]

>> WHAT MEANING, "COOL GUY"?

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

[ Russian accent ] I JUST THINK

YOU'RE A COOL GUY.

AND I WANT TO PRACTICE MY

ENGLISH FOR BEING THE DECOY.

>> I VERY SAD I NOT BE ABLE

PRESENT YOUR WEDDING IN PERSON.

BUT THAT NOT POSSIBLE.

>> Jon: ABOUT THAT, UH...

I WAS THINKING OF CALLING IT

OFF.

>> WHAT?!

I SPENDING FIVE YEARS PUTTING

TOGETHER TWO FAMILY.

YOU SAYING "YES."

AND I LIVE HAPPY EVER AFTER.

YOU TRY SOME FUNNY BUSINESS,

MAYBE YOU STOP BREATHING!

>> Jon: OF COURSE, PAPA.

>> FOCUS ONLY WEDDING.

>> Jon: YOU GOT IT.

[ BANGING ON DOOR ]

>> COME ON!

[ BANGING ON DOOR ]

>> Jon: YEP. UH, BE RIGHT OUT.

[ SIGHS ]

[ American accent ] NOW WHAT DO

I DO?

>> YOU JUST FOCUS ON THE TASK AT

HAND, ALL RIGHT?

>> Jon: I WANT YOU TO KNOW I

DIDN'T FIRE MY GUN WHEN EVERYONE

KILLED THE DEEJAY.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

>> Jon: BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT IT

WAS A REAL RUSH.

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT TILL AFTER I

THREW UP THAT I HAD A BONER.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S YOUR FIRST KILL BONER.

LISTEN, WHEN ALL THIS IS

OVER, YOU AND ME, WE'RE GONNA

LAY OUT ON THE PEAK OF

FRIENDSHIP MOUNTAIN AND WE'RE

GONNA TALK ABOUT KILL BONERS ALL

DAY LONG.

>> VERY, VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.

>> Jon: [ Russian accent ] THANK

YOU.

OKAY.

>> OKAY.

>> Jon: [ American accent ]

OKAY, I'M GETTING READY TO SAY

MY VOWS, SO WHAT'S THE PLAN?

>> JON, JUST STAY COOL.

DON'T ROCK THE BOAT.

SOON AS THERE'S AN OPENING,

WE'RE GONNA BUST IN AND GET YOU

OUT OF THERE.

NOW, IN THE MEANTIME, JUST STAY

CALM AND WALK THROUGH THOSE

DOORS.

>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]

>> [ Russian accent ] WHAT A

GLORIOUS DAY IT IS WHEN WE CAN

CELEBRATE THE UNION OF TWO

BEAUTIFUL YOUNG PEOPLE.

FAIRUZ, DO YOU TAKE

SERGEI MIRMINSKY TO BE YOUR

LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND FOR

RICHER AND POORER, IN SICKNESS

AND IN HEALTH?

>> I DO.

>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> MAY WE HAVE THE OTHER RING,

PLEASE?

>> WHOOPS!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SERGEI MIRMINSKY, DO YOU TAKE

FAIRUZ BIN ABDUL AZIZ AL-HASEEM

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?

>> JUST SAY "I DO."

IT'S FINE, OKAY?

JUST KEEP PLAYING ALONG.

WE'LL GET YOU OUT OF THERE.

JUST KEEP GOING.

JON?

WHAT'S GOING ON, JON?

COME ON, JON.

KIM, COME ON. HELP ME OUT HERE.

>> JON, IT'S FINE, OKAY?

JUST SAY "I DO."

I'LL SEE YOU SOON.

JUST SAY IT.

>> Jon: I DO.

>> SERGEI MIRMINSKY...

FAIRUZ BIN ABDUL AZIZ AL-HASEEM,

BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME BY GOD

AND THE STATE OF NEW YORK, I NOW

PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Jon: BOOP.

BOOP.

BOOP.

>> WE'RE CLEAR!

JON, COME ON!

>> David: DAD!

>> JON, COME ON!

>> COME ON, JON!

>> David: GET IN!

>> COME ON!

>> David: DAD, COME ON!

>> COME ON!

>> David: DAD!

DAD!

COME ON!

>> GET IN! GET IN! GET IN!

GO!

>> [ CRYING ]

>> SERGEI?

SERGEI?

>> [ SINGING IN RUSSIAN ]