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>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT
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HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY
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FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION
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PROGRAM...
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MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...
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AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY
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SHOW?
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>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO
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>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON
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"DELOCATED!"...
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>> Susan: I'M TAKING DAVID TO A
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HOTEL.
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I NEED TO FIGURE SOME STUFF OUT.
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>> Jon: SUSAN, COME ON.
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ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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>> Susan: DAVID AND I ARE GOING
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TO REMOVE OUR SKI MASKS AND OUR
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VOCAL HARMONIZERS.
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>> Jon: NO, YOU'RE NOT.
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>> SUSAN'S OFFICIALLY FILING FOR
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DIVORCE.
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>> Jon: HOLD ON A SECOND.
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THEY'RE MAKING A MOVIE ABOUT
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SUSAN?
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[BLEEP] SLICE. COME ON.
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TURN THE HANDS.
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OH, GOD. TERRIBLE.
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>> Mike: YOU SHOULD LOOSEN YOUR
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GRIP.
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THINK ABOUT HOLDING A BABY BIRD.
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TIGHT ENOUGH SO THAT IT CAN'T
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ESCAPE, BUT NOT TOO TIGHT TO
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CRUSH IT.
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>> Jon: [ CHUCKLES ]
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SHUT UP, MIKE.
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>> Mike: UNLESS IT BITES YOU.
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AND THEN YOU CRUSH IT.
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>> HI. UH, YOU MUST BE JON.
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>> Jon: THAT I AM.
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>> I'M RAY, YOUR CADDIE FOR THE
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DAY.
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I JUST WANTED TO INTRODUCE
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MYSELF.
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>> Jon: GREAT TO MEET YOU, RAY.
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>> UH, SO, WHENEVER YOU'RE
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READY, I'LL MEET YOU AT THE
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FIRST TEE.
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>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S OVER TO THE
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LEFT?
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>> NO, NO.
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IT'S JUST PAST THE CLUBHOUSE TO
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THE RIGHT.
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>> Jon: TO THE RIGHT.
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THAT'S -- THAT'S RIGHT.
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I'M STILL GETTING USED TO THIS
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PLACE.
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SORRY.
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>> [ LAUGHS ]
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TOOK ME ABOUT A MONTH TO FIGURE
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OUT WHERE THE MEN'S ROOM IS.
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I'VE BEEN MEANING TO INTRODUCE
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MYSELF.
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ROSS BENNETT.
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I'M THE CLUB PRO.
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>> Jon: OH, HEY, GOOD TO MEET
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YOU.
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I GOT A FEELING YOU AND I ARE
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GONNA GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER
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VERY WELL, 'CAUSE I NEED HELP
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WITH MY SLICE.
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>> I CAN DEFINITELY HELP CURE
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YOUR SLICE.
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WHAT I CAN'T DO IS TEACH YOU HOW
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TO SWIM.
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>> Jon: WHAT?
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>> I'VE BEEN TALKING WITH SOME
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OF THE OTHER CLUB MEMBERS.
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AND APPARENTLY, A LOT OF PEOPLE
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AREN'T TOO COMFORTABLE WITH THE
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SHADING OF YOUR SKI MASK.
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>> Jon: EXCUSE ME?
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>> I JUST THINK WE'D ALL BE A
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LITTLE BIT HAPPIER IF YOU
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SWITCHED TO A MASK THAT WAS...
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I DON'T KNOW, PERHAPS A LITTLE
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BIT LIGHTER IN COLOR.
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>> Jon: YEAH, I DON'T THINK I
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CATCH YOUR MEANING.
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>> OH, I THINK YOU DO.
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YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT
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CHANGING THAT MASK BEFORE THE
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BIG TOURNAMENT NEXT WEEKEND.
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IT'D BE A SHAME IF MY DRIVER
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ACCIDENTALLY SLIPPED OUT OF MY
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HANDS AND HIT YOU IN THE HEAD.
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>> Jon: YEAH, IT'D BE A SHAME IF
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MY DRIVER SLIPPED OUT OF MY
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PENIS AND HIT YOU IN THE HANDS.
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[ SIGHS ]
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>> Mike: YOU REALLY SCREWED UP
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THAT INSULT.
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>> Jon: I WAS FLUSTERED, MIKE,
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'CAUSE I HAD SOME THUG IN MY
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FACE WHILE MY BODYGUARD JUST
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STOOD THERE.
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>> WHY WOULD YOUR PENIS --
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>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW, MIKE.
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I'M UPSET, OKAY?
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I MEANT TO SAY THAT, YOU KNOW,
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MY DRIVER SLIPS OUT OF MY PENIS.
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BUT, UH, WHATEVER.
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RIGHT NOW I GOT TO USE THE
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BATHROOM.
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THAT IS PRIORITY NUMBER ONE.
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HELLO.
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>> Mike: JON.
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JON.
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JON!
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[ TIRES SCREECH ]
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>> WHOA! WHOA!
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>> Jon: WHOA.
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OH, MY -- YOU OKAY, MAN?
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>> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
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>> Jon: YOU GOT A REAL DEFECTIVE
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CART HERE.
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>> YOU SAW, BILL.
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DRIVING MISS DAISY HERE JUST RAN
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OVER MY CLUBS.
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>> Jon: BACK IT UP, JACK.
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>> Mike: LEAVE HIM ALONE.
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>> Jon: THAT'S 24-HOUR
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PROTECTION.
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>> Mike: LET'S GO.
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>> Jon: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
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I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
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WHERE'S THE MEN'S ROOM?
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>> FINISH OUT YOUR ROUND, JON.
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>> Jon: IS THERE A BATHROOM ON
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THE COURSE?
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>> I'M SURE YOU'LL MAKE DO.
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>> Jon: I WILL MAKE DO.
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I'LL MAKE DO WITH YOU.
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HEY, RAY.
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>> HEY, JON.
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THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO
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IRON OFF THE TEE -- SHORT
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FAIRWAY.
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>> Jon: YEAH, I'M ACTUALLY,
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UH -- I'M NOT FEELING TOO GOOD.
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I'M, UH...I'M GONNA CALL IT AN
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EARLY DAY TODAY.
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>> WHAT HAPPENED?
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>> Jon: YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED.
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>> LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO COME TO
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A MEETING WITH ME TONIGHT.
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THERE'S SOME PEOPLE I WANT YOU
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TO MEET.
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>> Jon: OKAY.
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>> WHAT'S WITH THE WHITE BOY
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WITH THE SKI MASK?
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>> I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
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ABOUT THIS WHITE BOY.
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JUST THIS AFTERNOON, THIS WHITE
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BOY DID ONE OF THE BLACKEST
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THINGS I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME.
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HE STOOD UP TO THE WHITE MAN.
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WHEN CONFRONTED ABOUT THE
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BLACKNESS OF HIS MASK AND ASKED
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TO CHANGE THE COLOR TO SOMETHING
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OF A LIGHTER PERSUASION, THIS
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WHITE BOY SAID NO.
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WHEN TOLD HE SHOULD RECONSIDER,
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LEST HE BE MET WITH PHYSICAL
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HARM, THIS WHITE BOY STOOD HIS
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GROUND, WHICH IS WHY I AM
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PROPOSING THAT, AS OF TODAY,
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THIS WHITE BOY BE KNOWN TO BLACK
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CADDIES EVERYWHERE AS AN
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HONORARY BLACK MAN.
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[ APPLAUSE ]
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>> Jon: THANK YOU, RAY.
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THANK YOU, GUYS.
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I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU DOWN.
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THANK YOU.
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[ RATTLING ]
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YEAH, HOW DO YOU -- HOW DO YOU
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GUYS DO THIS DOOR?
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OH, IT WAS OPEN. I GOT IT.
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SEE YOU, GUYS.
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>> [ Distorted ] SUSAN, PLEASE,
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I BEG YOU TO RECONSIDER.
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>> [ Distorted ] IT'S TOO LATE,
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JON.
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NOW, GO GET THE DOCTOR.
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I WANT MY VOICE BACK.
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>> [ SIGHS ]
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>> AND WE'RE CUT.
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ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS WONDERFUL,
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GUYS.
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LET'S RESET FOR SINGLES.
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>> THAT WAS A GREAT TAKE.
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>> REALLY?
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>> YEAH. IT WAS REALLY GOOD.
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>> COOL.
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IT FELT REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
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>> YEAH.
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>> [ LAUGHS ]
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THESE VOICE CHIPS ARE AMAZING.
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>> I KNOW.
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CAN I GET A COFFEE?
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>> FELT PRETTY GOOD, HUH?
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>> Susan: YEAH. IT WAS GREAT.
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IT WAS REALLY GREAT.
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AND I KNOW WE CAN GET THIS IN
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ADR, BUT I THINK JON NEEDS TO BE
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A LITTLE BIT MORE OF A JERK.
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YOU KNOW, HE'S REALLY GOT TO
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COME ACROSS LIKE A TOTAL
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SCUMBAG.
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>> David: YEAH.
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>> Susan: YEAH.
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>> Jon: HEY, GUYS.
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>> David: HEY, DAD.
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>> Susan: HI.
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>> Jon: GETTING SOME GOOD TAKES
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IN THERE?
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>> WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
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CAN WE LOCK UP THE SET, PLEASE?
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>> Susan: NO, IT'S FINE.
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HE'S HERE TO PICK UP DAVID FOR
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THE WEEKEND.
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BUT HE COULD HAVE WAITED
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OUTSIDE, LIKE I ASKED HIM TO.
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>> [ Normal voice ] OH, GOD, I'D
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GO INSANE IF I HAD TO WEAR THIS
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THING ALL THE TIME.
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NO WONDER HE'S SUCH A DICK.
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[ BOTH LAUGH ]
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>> Susan: OH, NO. NO, NO.
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DON'T EVEN FEEL BAD. NO.
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>> Jon: OH, YEAH, BY ALL MEANS,
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DON'T FEEL BAD CALLING ME A...
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DICK IN FRONT OF MY SON.
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DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THAT AT
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ALL.
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YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY BEEN GIVEN A
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VERY ONE-SIDED PICTURE OF ME,
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AND THAT'S FINE.
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BUT THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY
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STORY.
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ON ONE SIDE, YOU'VE GOT THE
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JILTED WIFE, WHO IS SCARED AND
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BAILED OUT ON HER HUSBAND IN HIS
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GREATEST TIME OF NEED AND LET
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STRANGE MEN CALL HER EX-HUSBAND
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A DICK IN FRONT OF HER SON.
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THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY IS
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THAT I'M AN HONORARY BLACK MAN
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WHO'S WAY TOO PROUD AND
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CONFIDENT TO WORRY ABOUT IT, SO
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NO PROBLEM.
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>> Susan: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
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>> Jon: WE'RE GONNA HEAD OUT.
264
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:29,286
>> David: BYE, MOM.
265
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:30,189
>> Susan: BYE, SWEETIE.
266
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:31,060
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.
267
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,128
>> Jon: HE WILL HAVE A GREAT
268
00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:33,085
WEEKEND, THANK YOU.
269
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,563
>> David: DAD, WHAT WAS ALL THAT
270
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:35,862
HONORARY BLACK MAN STUFF YOU
271
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:36,833
WERE TALKING ABOUT?
272
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,200
>> Jon: WELL, I'M AN HONORARY
273
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,528
BLACK MAN NOW, AND THAT MAKES
274
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:40,933
YOU HALF HONORARY BLACK, AND I
275
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,374
WANT YOU TO TAKE A LOT OF PRIDE
276
00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:43,539
IN THAT.
277
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:44,507
OKAY?
278
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:46,235
[ LAUGHTER ]
279
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,209
>> Susan: THAT'S GOOD.
280
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:58,049
>> TRAGEDY TODAY AS THE DIRECTOR
281
00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,691
OF A MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE ABOUT A
282
00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:01,347
WOMAN IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION
283
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,064
PROGRAM WAS ACCIDENTALLY KILLED
284
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:03,616
ON SET.
285
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:04,694
>> [ Distorted ] I HEARD TWO
286
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:05,792
GUNSHOTS, AND I THOUGHT THEY
287
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:06,993
WERE PART OF THE MOVIE, AND THEN
288
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:08,504
STEVE JUST WENT DOWN.
289
00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:10,156
IT WAS REALLY CONFUSING.
290
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,133
OH, I FORGOT I HAD THIS ON.
291
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:12,131
[ Normal voice ] THIS IS HIS
292
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:12,802
VOICE-CHIP THING.
293
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:13,730
IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY COOL.
294
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:14,274
CHECK IT OUT.
295
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:14,937
[ Distorted ] AHH.
296
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,395
>> THE MIRMINSKY CRIME FAMILY
297
00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:18,013
HAS TAKEN CREDIT FOR THE MURDER,
298
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,505
ISSUING THIS STATEMENT -- "WE
299
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,037
WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE
300
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,581
MURDER OF THE DIRECTOR OF THIS
301
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:23,036
MOVIE.
302
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,113
WE WEREN'T EVEN TRYING TO KILL
303
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:24,581
HIM.
304
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:26,278
WE WERE TRYING TO KILL JON, WHO
305
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,619
WE NOW UNDERSTAND WAS AN ACTOR
306
00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:28,775
PORTRAYING JON.
307
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,622
IT WAS A CRAZY MIX-UP WORTHY OF
308
00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,518
ITS OWN HOLLYWOOD MOVIE, WHICH,
309
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,350
I GUESS, IT ALREADY IS, SO NEVER
310
00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:34,924
MIND.
311
00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:36,422
IN ANY CASE, WE FOUND OUT THAT
312
00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:37,963
THE REAL JON IS PLAYING AT SOME
313
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,358
GOLF TOURNAMENT, SO WE'LL GO
314
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,589
LOOK FOR HIM THERE."
315
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:41,294
A TRAD--
316
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,004
>> Jon: OH, BOY. [ SIGHS ]
317
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,056
[ DOOR OPENS ]
318
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,634
>> WHY AREN'T YOU DRESSED?
319
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:47,203
YOU TEE OFF IN 30 MINUTES.
320
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,270
>> Jon: NO, I'M NOT PLAYING.
321
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:50,569
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
322
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:51,741
>> Jon: I'M QUITTING, OKAY?
323
00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:53,009
>> MAN, THAT'S THE WORST THING
324
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:53,666
YOU COULD DO.
325
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:55,184
THE BEST THING FOR YOU TO DO
326
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,775
RIGHT NOW IS TO REMAIN A MEMBER
327
00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:58,277
AND WIN THE TOURNAMENT AS AN
328
00:07:58,278 --> 00:07:59,308
HONORARY BLACK MAN.
329
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,552
>> Jon: MNH-MNH. NOPE.
330
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,278
>> David: YEAH, DAD.
331
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,552
RAY'S RIGHT.
332
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,221
IF YOU QUIT NOW, THEN THE WHOLE
333
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:06,918
HONORARY BLACK PRIDE SPEECH YOU
334
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,660
GAVE ME AND MOM AND EVERYONE AT
335
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:11,116
THE SET WILL BE MEANINGLESS.
336
00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:12,434
COME ON, DAD.
337
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:13,855
LET'S GO GIVE THESE WHITEYS A
338
00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:18,571
HALF-HONORARY BLACK EYE.
339
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:22,566
>> Jon: OKAY, I'M IN.
340
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:25,110
[ APPLAUSE ]
341
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:32,451
>> Jon: THIS IS FOR
342
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,405
FREDERICK DOUGLASS.
343
00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:45,661
OH! COME ON, JON!
344
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:50,799
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
345
00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:52,428
>> * YOU USED TO BE WHITE,
346
00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:55,272
BUT NOW YOU'RE HONORARY BLACK *
347
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:57,768
* WHEN BIGOTRY'S TAKING FLIGHT
348
00:08:57,771 --> 00:08:59,341
* YOU GOT TO GET RIGHT BACK ON
349
00:08:59,339 --> 00:08:59,869
TRACK *
350
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,283
>> Jon: THIS IS FOR ROSA PARKS!
351
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,305
THIS IS FOR JACKIE ROBINSON.
352
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:04,881
OH!
353
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,608
THURGOOD MARSHALL.
354
00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:08,154
VANESSA WILLIAMS.
355
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,678
THE O'JAYS.
356
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,483
DON CHEADLE.
357
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,624
THIS IS FOR CECIL FIELDER.
358
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:16,021
>> * HONORARY BLACK PRIDE
359
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,333
* FIGHTIN' FOR WHAT'S INSIDE
360
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,655
* YOU GOT TO LEAVE IT ALL OUT ON
361
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,090
THE LINKS *
362
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,364
* THAT'S WHAT SHE THINKS
363
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:24,833
>> David: YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT A
364
00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,302
COINCIDENCE THAT THE BALLS ARE
365
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,169
WHITE, YOU KNOW?
366
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,837
PUT THEM ON A PEDESTAL.
367
00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:30,766
WE ADVANCE THE WHITE BALLS.
368
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:31,641
>> OKAY.
369
00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:35,509
>> David: THINK ABOUT IT.
370
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,478
[ APPLAUSE ]
371
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,393
[ RUSTLING ]
372
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,061
>> HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
373
00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,703
>> Jon: IT'S OKAY.
374
00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:58,828
I CAN'T SLEEP.
375
00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:01,272
I'M JUST GONNA WATCH TV.
376
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,668
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ON
377
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,970
TELEVISION ]
378
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:09,505
>> YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE,
379
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,179
SUSAN -- A BIG MISTAKE.
380
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,408
>> THE ONLY ONE MAKING A MISTAKE
381
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:13,552
IS YOU, JON.
382
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:15,616
I'M HAPPY WITH MY LIFE, NOW THAT
383
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:19,115
IT'S A LIFE UNMASKED.
384
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,989
>> YEAH, WELL, I'M HAPPY, TOO!
385
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,658
I'M VERY HAPPY, ACTUALLY!
386
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,256
I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND.
387
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:25,887
I WORK IN A COPY SHOP.
388
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:28,303
I'M AN HONORARY BLACK MAN!
389
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,895
MY LIFE IS GREAT!
390
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:32,268
[ Sadly ] MY LIFE IS GREAT.
391
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:36,735
>> Jon: [ SOBS ]
392
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:41,807
>> [ SOBS ]
393
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:44,809
SUSAN, SUSAN, SUSAN...
394
00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:46,652
[ SOBBING ]
395
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,946
>> Jon: [ SOBBING ]
396
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:03,103
>> HONEY, JUST COME BACK TO BED.
397
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:07,296
>> Jon: OKAY.
398
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:08,504
[ CRYING ]
399
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,571
>> HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
400
00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:12,110
>> Jon: I'M CRYING.
401
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:12,835
>> WHY?
402
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,140
>> Jon: 'CAUSE MY LIFE IS BEING
403
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:16,782
PORTRAYED ON TV IN AN
404
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,747
UNFLATTERING LIGHT.
25099
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