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>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT
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HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY
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FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION
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PROGRAM...
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MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...
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AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY
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SHOW?
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>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO
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>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY, ON
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"DELOCATED"...
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AH, NOT BAD, RIGHT?
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>> Mike: YOU LOOK GOOD.
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[ BOTH LAUGH ]
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>> Jon: GOT TO SAY...
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NO BETTER WAY...
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TO SPEND THE DAY.
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JUST A COUPLE GOOD BUDS,
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CRACKIN' A COUPLE COLD BREWS,
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GETTIN' INVOLVED WITH SOME
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GAMES.
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>> Mike: GAME TIME IS ALWAYS
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FINE.
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>> Jon: MM-HMM.
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>> Mike: OKAY, HERE WE GO.
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>> Jon: LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
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>> Mike: "MEATUS."
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>> Jon: UH, WHAT IS MEATUS?
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>> Mike: MEATUS IS AN ANATOMICAL
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TERM.
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IT REFERS TO ANY NATURAL BODY
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OPENING OR CANAL.
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FOR INSTANCE, THE OPENING OF THE
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URETHRA.
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IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE HOLE ON THE
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TIP OF YOUR PENIS.
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>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, UH, I GUESS
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YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY
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DAY.
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AND TODAY, THAT NEW SOMETHING IS
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WHAT THE HOLE ON MY "HUH" IS
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CALLED.
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[ LAUGHS ]
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>> Mike: SO, I WANTED TO SAY
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SOMETHING, AND I HOPE IT DOESN'T
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COME ACROSS WEIRD OR ANYTHING.
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>> Jon: WHOA. SERIOUS ALERT.
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[ LAUGHS ]
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>> Mike: WELL, EVER SINCE SUSAN
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LEFT YOU, I FEEL LIKE IT'S GIVEN
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US A CHANCE TO DO STUFF LIKE
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THIS, AND I FEEL LIKE WE'VE
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BECOME PRETTY GOOD FRIENDS.
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AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S -- IT'S --
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IT'S REALLY COOL.
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AND I KNOW IT'S MY JOB TO
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PROTECT YOU, BUT I JUST WANTED
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YOU TO KNOW THAT IF I EVER HAVE
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TO TAKE A BULLET FOR YOU, IT'S
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NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO.
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IT'S BECAUSE I WANT TO.
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AND EVERYTHING THAT I JUST SAID
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TO YOU, I ALSO WROTE IN A
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LETTER TO WEAVER'S GREAT PALS
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CEREAL.
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I'M TRYING TO GET US ON THE BOX.
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>> Jon: UM...
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MIKE, I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE PUTTING
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ME IN A WEIRD SPOT HERE.
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I FEEL LIKE I GOT NO CHOICE BUT
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TO FIRE YOU AS MY FEDERAL AGENT.
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SO I CAN HIRE YOU AS MY
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FULL-TIME FRIEND!
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[ LAUGHS ]
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YEAH, BUDDY! FRIEND FIVE!
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TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL, MIKE.
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"FRIENDSHIP" ON THREE.
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ONE, TWO, THREE.
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>> Both: FRIENDSHIP!
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>> YEAH, I'LL HAVE THE LOX,
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SCRAMBLED, WHEAT TOAST, DRY,
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AND FRESH-SQUEEZED GRAPEFRUIT
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JUICE.
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THANK YOU.
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SO, AS I WAS SAYING, WE ARE
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DOING A REALITY SHOW ABOUT THE
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MAN YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL.
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>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]
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>> Yvgeny: YOU SHOULD DO A
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REALITY SHOW ABOUT ME.
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I AM A COMEDIAN.
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>> WAIT A MINUTE.
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YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?
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>> Yvgeny: YEAH.
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>> AN YOU'RE A COMEDIAN?
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>> Yvgeny: YEAH.
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>> Jon: HEY, THERE HE IS.
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>> JONNY.
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>> Jon: MY MAN.
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>> SO, HOW'S THE SHOW GOING?
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>> Jon: OH, IT'S GREAT.
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I'M STILL HERE, SO, UH...
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[ LAUGHS ]
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>> WHERE'S MIKE?
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>> Jon: OH, MIKE RESIGNED.
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WE ARE GONNA FOCUS ON OUR
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FRIENDSHIP A LITTLE BIT MORE.
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AND THAT'S DANNY, MY NEW AGENT.
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>> HEY, PLEASURE.
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>> Jon: YEAH, DON'T HOLD YOUR
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BREATH.
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NOT A LOT OF SMILES FROM, UH,
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THE SMILE MACHINE OVER HERE.
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>> YEAH.
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>> Jon: YEAH.
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>> ANYWAY, IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD
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MENTION FEDERAL AGENTS
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RESIGNING, BECAUSE SUSAN'S AGENT
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JUST RESIGNED SO HE CAN
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OFFICIALLY BE HER BOYFRIEND.
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>> Jon: [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
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>> SHE'S ALSO OFFICIALLY FILING
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FOR DIVORCE.
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>> Jon: [ GROANS LOUDLY ]
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>> THE GOOD NEWS IS, THE FELINE
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AIDS THE VET THOUGHT MY CAT
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HAD -- IT'S JUST DIABETES.
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>> Jon: THAT IS GREAT NEWS.
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>> THANK YOU.
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>> Jon: SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
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TOO BAD FOR ME THAT MY WIFE IS
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LEAVING ME TO [BLEEP] SOME DUDE.
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BUT, HEY, MAN, GLAD YOUR CAT'S
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GONNA BE OKAY.
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PSYCHED!
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SO GOOD.
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SUPER NEWS, BUDDY.
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GREAT SEEING YOU.
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>> Mike: HEY, BUDDY.
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>> Jon: HEY, MIKE.
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>> Mike: HOW'S IT GOING, MAN?
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>> Jon: GOOD, MAN.
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HOW YOU DOING?
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>> Mike: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
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FRIEND FIVE.
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>> Jon: FRIEND FIVE.
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>> Mike: FRIEND FIST.
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>> Jon: FRIEND FIST.
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>> Mike: A NEW ONE.
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>> Jon: THAT'S GOOD, MAN.
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>> Mike: HEY, I NEED A COUPLE
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COPIES OF THAT.
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>> Jon: YEAH, YOU GOT IT.
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>> Mike: AND, UH...
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I WAS KIND OF HOPING FOR THE
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FRIEND DISCOUNT.
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>> Jon: OH, UH...
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YEAH, I-I CAN'T.
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>> Mike: CAN'T? OR YOU WON'T?
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>> Jon: COME ON, MIKE.
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>> OH, MY GOD! IT'S YVGENY!
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HI! OH, MY GOSH! IT'S YVGENY!
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>> Yvgeny: OH, THANK YOU VERY
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MUCH.
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THANK YOU.
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>> SO, PEOPLE ARE ALREADY
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RESPONDING VERY WELL TO
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"DELOCATED," BUT THEY REALLY
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RESPOND TO YVGENY.
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HERE HE IS SIGNING A WOMAN'S
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TITS.
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AND HERE HE IS SIGNING A WOMAN'S
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VAGINA.
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>> OH, MY GOSH.
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THANK YOU SO MUCH.
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>> WOW.
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>> Jon: OH, CAPTAIN HOOK.
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HEY, UH, CAN YOU SWING BY LATER
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AND HELP ME TAKE MY A/C OUT OF
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THE WINDOW?
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GLASS.
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>> Mike: UH, TOMORROW WOULD BE
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BETTER.
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TODAY'S NOT THAT GREAT FOR ME.
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>> Jon: TOMORROW, THEN, GOOD?
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>> Mike: YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,
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I'LL TELL YOU...
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MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE DANNY HELP
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YOU OUT.
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>> THE POINT IS, NO ONE'S ASKING
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JON TO SIGN THEIR VAGINA.
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SO I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE IT'S
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TIME TO START THINKING ABOUT A
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SPIN-OFF.
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WE FOLLOW HIM AROUND AS HE TRIES
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TO BE A NEW YORK COMEDIAN.
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OF COURSE, HE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE
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AN ASSASSIN, AND THAT JUST GIVES
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US MORE DONG FOR OUR BUCK.
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>> DON'T YOU MEAN MORE BANG FOR
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OUR BUCK?
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>> NO, I DON'T.
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>> Jon: MISS LLOYD.
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>> SEE YOU TOMORROW.
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KEEP WORKING ON THOSE IDEAS.
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HEY, JON.
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>> Jon: HI. HOW ARE YOU?
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>> GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
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>> Jon: I'M GOOD.
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>> GOOD.
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>> Jon: UH, WHERE'S DAVID?
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>> OH, DAVID WAS ALREADY PICKED
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UP BY YOUR OTHER SECRET SERVICE
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AGENT.
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IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
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>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, UM...
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NO, IT'S GOOD. THANKS A LOT.
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>> NO PROBLEM.
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WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.
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>> Jon: THIS IS DANNY.
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>> HI, DANNY. HOW ARE YOU?
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>> Jon: THAT SON OF A BITCH.
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I SEE HOW THINGS ARE UNFOLDING.
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>> David: "A."
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>> Mike: NICE PLAY.
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FRIEND FIVE.
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>> David: OH, HEY, DAD.
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I LEARNED THIS NEW WORD.
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UM, IT'S, UH --
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HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE IT?
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>> Mike: MEATUS.
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>> David: I LEARNED WHAT A
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MEATUS IS.
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>> Jon: I WANT YOU TO GET ICE
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CREAM WITH DANNY NOW.
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LET'S GO!
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>> Mike: GOOD CALL.
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GIVE US BUDS A CHANCE TO KICK
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BACK AND CRACK OPEN A COUPLE
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COLD ONES, HUH?
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FRIEND FIVE.
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HEY, IS SOMETHING WRONG,
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KEEM-BRO-SABE?
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>> Jon: YOU DON'T WORK FOR ME
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ANYMORE.
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YOU CAN'T JUST PICK UP MY SON
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AT SCHOOL WITHOUT TELLING ME.
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>> Mike: I KNEW YOU WERE BUSY,
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BRO, SO I THOUGHT I'D PULL YOU A
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SOLID, YOU KNOW?
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I MEAN, HUH, WHAT ARE FRIENDS
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FOR?
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HEY, TAKE IT EASY, HOT SHOT.
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>> Jon: YOU'RE A TERRIBLE
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FRIEND, MIKE.
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YOU GOT NO IDEA WHAT THAT
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CEREAL IS ABOUT.
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>> Mike: LOOK, MAN --
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>> Jon: YOU ARE FIRED AS MY
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FRIEND.
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AND YOU'RE HIRED AS MY UNFRIEND.
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GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT.
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>> Mike: OHH.
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>> Jon: YEAH, "OHH."
264
00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:58,488
>> Mike: OKAY.
265
00:06:58,486 --> 00:06:59,786
>> Jon: GET YOUR KNEES IN THE
266
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:00,547
BREEZE, JACK.
267
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:01,294
>> Mike: MAN!
268
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:02,088
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
269
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,489
>> Jon: NOW I GOT TO CLEAN UP
270
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:04,121
YOUR MESS?
271
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,064
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
272
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:08,499
OH, LOOK. THAT'S PERFECT.
273
00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:11,766
THAT'S JUST GREAT.
274
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,407
>> Jon: MAN, I STILL CAN'T
275
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:32,751
BELIEVE MIKE TURNED OUT TO BE
276
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,576
SUCH A TERRIBLE FRIEND.
277
00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:36,882
>> WELL, YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY
278
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,354
ABOUT THAT WITH ME.
279
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:39,821
>> Jon: YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.
280
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,920
[ SCOFFS ]
281
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:44,062
[ SIGHS ]
282
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,287
>> THAT'S ON AN ALL-NEW
283
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,192
"JEWISH GHOST."
284
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,163
AND COMING UP NEXT, IF YOU LIKE
285
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,601
"DELOCATED," THEN YOU'RE GONNA
286
00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:50,897
LOVE OUR BRAND-NEW SHOW ABOUT
287
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:52,228
THE GUY WHO'S TRYING TO KILL
288
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:53,602
THE GUY ON "DELOCATED."
289
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:54,771
AND TONIGHT'S PREMIERE
290
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,068
EPISODE -- IT'S ALL LIVE!
291
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:56,799
>> Jon: WHAT?
292
00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:58,214
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A
293
00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,635
FAMILY FROM THEIR SMALL-TOWN
294
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:00,940
EXISTENCE IN THE WITNESS
295
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,141
PROTECTION PROGRAM...
296
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,682
MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...
297
00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:05,307
AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY
298
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:09,382
SHOW...
299
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,922
>> Yvgeny: AND THEN GIVE ANOTHER
300
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,388
REALITY SHOW TO THE GUY WHO'S
301
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,715
TRYING TO KILL THAT FAMILY
302
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,191
WHILE AT THE SAME TIME TRYING
303
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,688
TO BECOME A SUCCESSFUL NEW YORK
304
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:22,630
STAND-UP COMEDIAN?
305
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:24,630
HELLO, EVERYONE, AND WELCOME TO
306
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:25,132
"YVGENY!"
307
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,472
TONIGHT AND EVERY NIGHT...
308
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:27,936
>> Jon: UH, IS THAT MY HALLWAY?
309
00:09:27,935 --> 00:09:29,365
>> Yvgeny: ...PLAY ALL THE BIG
310
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:30,769
COMEDY CLUBS IN NEW YORK CITY
311
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,111
TRYING TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL
312
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:33,305
COMEDIAN...
313
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:35,336
WHILE ALSO, AT THE SAME TIME, I
314
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:36,882
WILL TRY TO KILL JON.
315
00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:37,707
OH, LOOK.
316
00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:39,381
I WONDER WHO LIVES HERE.
317
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:40,109
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
318
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,983
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL
319
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:45,352
IS GOING ON, DANNY?
320
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:47,452
>> JUST A MINUTE.
321
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:48,494
[ DOOR BUSTS OPEN ]
322
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:51,088
>> Yvgeny: SORRY, JON, BUT
323
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,131
TONIGHT, "DELOCATED" GETS
324
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,156
CANCELED!
325
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:58,071
[ GUNSHOTS ]
326
00:09:58,065 --> 00:09:58,565
LET'S GO!
327
00:09:58,565 --> 00:09:59,765
>> Jon: MIKE, ARE YOU OKAY?!
328
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:00,627
>> Yvgeny: COME ON.
329
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:01,844
I HAVE A SET AT THE IMPROV.
330
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,195
>> Jon: MIKE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
331
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:04,073
>> Mike: I'M FINE.
332
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:05,441
>> Jon: OH, GOD, DANNY.
333
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:06,068
OH, BOY.
334
00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:07,143
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
335
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:08,240
>> IS JON AND MIKE HERE?
336
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,241
>> Mike: WHO ARE YOU?
337
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:09,982
>> WHOA, WHOA.
338
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,007
>> Mike: WHO ARE YOU?!
339
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:14,851
>> I'M FROM WEAVER'S CEREAL.
340
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,418
>> Mike: THIS IS WHY I CAME HERE
341
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:18,316
TONIGHT -- THE LETTER I WROTE
342
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:19,718
WEAVER'S.
343
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,090
WE GOT THE BOX.
344
00:10:22,089 --> 00:10:23,159
>> Jon: SERIOUSLY?
345
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,756
"DEAR MIKE, THANK YOU FOR YOUR
346
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:25,528
SUBMISSION."
347
00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:27,225
>> Mike: LOOK, JON, I WANT TO BE
348
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:29,597
BY YOUR SIDE AGAIN AS AN AGENT
349
00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:33,326
FIRST AND A FRIEND SECOND.
350
00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,603
>> Jon: OKAY.
351
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:38,142
ALL RIGHT.
352
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,438
>> Mike: WHAT ABOUT THE CEREAL?
353
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:40,439
>> Jon: I GOT AN IDEA.
354
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:40,970
COME HERE.
355
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:41,914
YEAH, LET'S DO THIS.
356
00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,139
JUST GET A COUPLE SHOTS HERE.
357
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,053
>> OKAY, YOU GUYS READY?
358
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:47,205
ONE, TWO, THREE.
359
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:50,384
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
360
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:54,223
>> SWEETIE! BREAKFAST IS READY!
361
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:02,358
>> Jon: HERE IT IS.
362
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:04,002
COME ON, KID. HURRY UP.
363
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,297
GET THERE. RUN.
364
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,728
YEAH! ALL RIGHT!
365
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,074
>> Mike: HA HA!
366
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:09,768
>> Jon: THERE WE GO!
367
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,070
>> Mike: FORMAL FIVE!
368
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,511
>> Jon: FORMAL FIVE! WHOO!
369
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,436
>> * IT IS SUCH A GOOD NIGHT TO
370
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:16,342
KISS *
371
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,053
* IT IS SUCH A GOOD NIGHT TO
372
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:18,875
DANCE *
373
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,849
* IT IS SUCH A GOOD NIGHT TO
374
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,118
SCOOBY-DEE-DOO-BEE-DOO *
375
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:24,075
* SCOOBY-DEE-DOO-BEE-DOO
23091
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