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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:02,195 >> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT 2 00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:03,543 HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY 3 00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:04,867 FROM THEIR SMALL-TOWN EXISTENCE 4 00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:06,012 IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION 5 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:06,566 PROGRAM... 6 00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:07,814 >> Susan: [ Distorted ] MOVE 7 00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:08,908 THEM TO NEW YORK CITY... 8 00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,309 >> David: [ Distorted ] AND GIVE 9 00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:13,351 THEM THEIR OWN REALITY SHOW? 10 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,017 >> * DO, DA-DA, DO 11 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,285 * DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO, DO, 12 00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,415 DO-DA, DA-DO-DO-DO * 13 00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,220 * DO-DA, DA-DO 14 00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:23,222 * DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO, DO, 15 00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:25,434 DO-DA, DA-DO-DO-DO * 16 00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:27,396 * DA-DO, DA-DO 17 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:31,125 * DO-DA, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO-DO 18 00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:32,932 * DA-DO, DO-DA, DO, DO, 19 00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,603 DO-DA, DO * 20 00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,602 * DO, DO, DO, DO 21 00:00:36,604 --> 00:00:38,344 * DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO 22 00:00:38,339 --> 00:00:39,809 * DO-DA, DO-DA, DO 23 00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:41,907 * DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO 24 00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:44,549 >> All: DELOCATED! 25 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,550 >> Jon: [ SIGHS ] I DON'T KNOW. 26 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,779 MAYBE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF 27 00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:50,953 ENTHUSIASM WOULD BE NICE. 28 00:00:50,951 --> 00:00:52,021 THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING. 29 00:00:52,019 --> 00:00:52,919 JUST A LITTLE BIT. 30 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:53,890 >> Susan: I'M SORRY. 31 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,257 >> David: I CAN'T GET EXCITED 32 00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,056 ABOUT THIS, DAD. 33 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,456 >> Jon: WELL, HOW ABOUT, THEN, 34 00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:58,388 IF YOU JUST SIT UP? 35 00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,392 >> Mike: OKAY, GUYS. 36 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:00,363 HERE'S THE DEAL. 37 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:01,731 BASICALLY, TO PRESERVE YOUR 38 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,329 ANONYMITY, YOU'LL BE WEARING THE 39 00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:04,601 SKI MASKS WHENEVER YOU'RE 40 00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,128 ON-CAMERA, WHICH WILL BE JUST 41 00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:07,644 ABOUT ALL THE TIME. 42 00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:09,135 AND THE SURGERY YOU ALL HAD TO 43 00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:10,297 PUT MICRO-TITANIUM VOICE 44 00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:11,814 HARMONIZERS RIGHT ON YOUR VOCAL 45 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,135 CORDS WAS TO PERMANENTLY 46 00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:14,281 DISGUISE YOUR VOICES. 47 00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:15,705 >> Jon: I THINK IT MAKES US 48 00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:16,739 SOUND PRETTY COOL. 49 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:17,554 [ LAUGHS ] 50 00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:19,445 >> Susan: LISTEN, I WANT TO GO 51 00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:21,317 ON RECORD BY SAYING I HATE MY 52 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:22,345 SECURITY NAME. 53 00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:23,050 "SUSAN"? 54 00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,250 WHY DIDN'T I GET TO PICK IT? 55 00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,422 >> Mike: JUST A GOVERNMENT 56 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:25,989 REGULATION. 57 00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,216 >> Susan: WELL, I WOULD HAVE 58 00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:28,461 PREFERRED TO HAVE BEEN CALLED 59 00:01:28,456 --> 00:01:29,356 "JODIE" OR "DIANE." 60 00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:30,817 >> Jon: OH, "JODIE" OR "DIANE" 61 00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:32,334 IS A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN 62 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:32,856 "SUSAN." 63 00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:33,630 YOU'RE RIGHT. 64 00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:34,527 >> Susan: I THINK SO. 65 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,158 >> David: WHAT ABOUT YOU, MIKE? 66 00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:37,274 ARE YOU STAYING HERE? 67 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,195 >> Mike: NO, NO. 68 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:39,369 NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY. 69 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:40,597 I'M COMING WITH YOU GUYS. 70 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:41,341 [ CHUCKLES ] 71 00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:42,835 SO, ALL THAT REMAINS TO BE DONE 72 00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:44,236 NOW IS FOR YOU GUYS TO GET TO 73 00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,568 NEW YORK AND START YOUR NEW 74 00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:46,373 LIVES. 75 00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:47,984 EVERYONE EXCITED? 76 00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,235 >> Jon: YEAH! 77 00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:51,353 LET'S DO THIS, GUYS, HUH? 78 00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,005 LET'S GET FIRED UP! 79 00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:54,483 [ IMITATES CHAIN SAW ] 80 00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,352 FIRE UP THE FIRE-UP CHAIN SAW! 81 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:58,850 * NEW YORK CITY! 82 00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:00,922 * BRR, NA, NO-NA, NA-NO 83 00:02:00,921 --> 00:02:02,191 * WE'RE GOING DOWN TO 84 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:04,690 NEW YORK CITY * 85 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,262 * NEO-R-R-R 86 00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,730 OWWW! 87 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,398 SO, SUSAN AND DAVID AREN'T CRAZY 88 00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:10,597 ABOUT DOING THE SHOW. 89 00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:11,998 SUSAN THINKS WE'RE PUTTING 90 00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,199 OURSELVES IN DANGER. 91 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,771 SHE'S GOT DAVID IN A PANIC THAT 92 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:15,938 HE'S GONNA BE KILLED. 93 00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,466 WHAT'S THE WORST THAT'S GONNA 94 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,711 HAPPEN? 95 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:20,436 I BECOME SUPER-FAMOUS AND WE GET 96 00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,211 DIVORCED 'CAUSE OF HOW LAID I'M 97 00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:22,780 GETTING? 98 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:25,906 [ LAUGHS ] 99 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:27,353 BUT ANYWAY, I THINK ONCE WE GET 100 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,778 TO NEW YORK, THEY'RE GONNA COME 101 00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:29,252 AROUND. 102 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,680 WE'RE IN THIS UNBELIEVABLE LOFT 103 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,054 THAT WE'RE GETTING SET UP IN. 104 00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,992 IT IS SICK. IT IS INSANE. 105 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,596 >> Mike: BIRDS IN THE NEST. 106 00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:48,571 >> Jon: WOW. 107 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:49,299 >> HI, FOLKS. 108 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:50,543 WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME. 109 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,068 MY NAME IS JAY. I'M THE DOORMAN. 110 00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,372 >> Jon: HEY, JAY. I'M JON. 111 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,814 THIS IS MY WIFE, SUSAN, AND MY 112 00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:55,478 SON, DAVID. 113 00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:56,606 >> PLEASURE TO MEET YOU FOLKS. 114 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:57,380 SORRY ABOUT ALL THE 115 00:02:57,378 --> 00:02:57,948 CONSTRUCTION. 116 00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:58,905 SHOULD BE DONE IN A COUPLE 117 00:02:58,912 --> 00:02:59,252 WEEKS. 118 00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:00,677 BUT YOU'RE ALL SET UP IN 1-H. 119 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:01,851 >> David: IS THAT A FAKE 120 00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:02,419 MUSTACHE? 121 00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:03,246 >> Jon: DAVID! 122 00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,021 I'M SORRY, JAY. 123 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:04,947 >> IT'S ALL RIGHT. 124 00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,322 >> Jon: ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET 125 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:06,820 INSIDE. 126 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:07,960 WHAT DO YOU SAY? 127 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,555 THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME! 128 00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:11,587 THIS PLACE IS AMAZING! 129 00:03:14,161 --> 00:03:16,301 * I WANT TO BE A PART OF 130 00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:20,467 NEW YORK CITY * 131 00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:21,738 WHAT THE [BLEEP] 132 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,635 >> Susan: WOW. WHAT A BOX. 133 00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:24,937 >> David: I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT 134 00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:25,508 WAS A LOFT. 135 00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:26,706 >> Jon: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A 136 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:27,067 LOFT. 137 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,284 THIS IS NOT RIGHT. 138 00:03:28,276 --> 00:03:29,436 YEAH, HI. IT'S JON. 139 00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,283 YEAH, HEY, WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS 140 00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:31,949 GOING ON? 141 00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,075 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT DO I 142 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:33,410 MEAN? 143 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,324 I'M IN THE APARTMENT. 144 00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:35,045 THAT'S MY POINT. 145 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,318 IT'S NOT A LOFT. IT'S A STUDIO. 146 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:36,947 BULL [BLEEP] 147 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,290 THAT'S NOT WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT 148 00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:39,646 AT ALL, AND THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU 149 00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:40,823 SHOWED ME IN THE BROCHURE. 150 00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,461 WHY ELSE WOULD I PUT MY FAMILY 151 00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,056 ON-CAMERA AND RISK THEM BEING 152 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,727 MURDERED IF I WASN'T IN A SWEET 153 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:46,186 LOFT? 154 00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:47,833 THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT WORTH IT. 155 00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,458 THREE DAYS AND WE'RE IN THERE. 156 00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:50,403 ALL RIGHT, GUYS, HERE'S THE 157 00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:50,698 DEAL. 158 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:51,768 >> Susan: "RISK MY FAMILY BEING 159 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:52,295 MURDERED"? 160 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:52,970 ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! 161 00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:53,526 >> Jon: SUSAN. 162 00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:54,774 >> Susan: I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET 163 00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:55,668 YOU TALK ME INTO THIS. 164 00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:56,569 >> Jon: SUSAN, RELAX. 165 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:57,840 I JUST SAID ALL THAT STUFF TO 166 00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:58,738 GET US IN THE LOFT. 167 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,009 >> Susan: I'M TAKING DAVID TO A 168 00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:00,507 HOTEL. 169 00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:01,878 I NEED TO FIGURE SOME STUFF OUT. 170 00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:02,805 >> Jon: SUSAN, COME ON. 171 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:03,540 ARE YOU SERIOUS? 172 00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:04,414 SUSAN, WAIT A SECOND. 173 00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,552 >> Susan: WORK IT OUT ON YOUR 174 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:05,846 OWN. 175 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:06,506 >> Jon: SUSAN! 176 00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:07,684 >> Mike: MOTHER AND SON COMING 177 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:07,981 OUT. 178 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:10,021 MEET THEM IN FRONT. 179 00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,587 >> Jon: [ EXHALES DEEPLY ] 180 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,315 I THINK MY WIFE JUST LEFT ME. 181 00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:17,021 AND SHE TOOK MY SON BECAUSE THE 182 00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:19,234 SHOW SCREWED UP AND WE'RE NOT IN 183 00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:20,326 A LOFT. 184 00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,728 AND I...SAID THAT THEY WOULD BE 185 00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:23,900 MURDERED. 186 00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,197 OH, MY GOD! 187 00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:27,538 OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. 188 00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:27,995 [BLEEP] 189 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,341 I NEED A MINUTE HERE, MIKE. 190 00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:30,567 I GOT TO FIGURE -- I JUST -- 191 00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:32,171 GIVE ME A SECOND, PLEASE. 192 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,142 >> Mike: ACTUALLY, WE GOT TO GET 193 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,441 YOU TO YOUR NEW JOB. 194 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:37,754 >> Jon: SO, AS PART OF THE 195 00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,245 WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM, THE 196 00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:40,706 GOVERNMENT PLACES YOU IN A NEW 197 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:41,684 OCCUPATION. 198 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,822 THEY'VE GOT ME A JOB AT A SMALL 199 00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:44,717 COPY SHOP. 200 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,888 I'M NOT REALLY SUPPOSED TO TALK 201 00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,817 ABOUT WHAT I DID FOR A LIVING 202 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,432 PREVIOUSLY, BUT, UH... 203 00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:53,125 LET'S JUST SAY IT RHYMES WITH 204 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,096 "ARCHITECT." 205 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:57,529 >> YOU'LL BE WORKING THE FLOOR, 206 00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:58,871 HELPING PEOPLE MAKING COPIES AND 207 00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,066 THINGS. 208 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,637 YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR PRODUCERS 209 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,165 CALLED ME AND ASKED HOW I FELT 210 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:04,670 ABOUT HAVING SOMEONE FROM THE 211 00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,012 WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM 212 00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,606 WORKING HERE, I WAS SURE IT WAS 213 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,138 CRAIG FROM CORPORATE PLAYING A 214 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:09,842 JOKE ON ME. 215 00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:12,083 >> Jon: [ LAUGHS ] 216 00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:13,949 [BLEEP] CRAIG! 217 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:16,817 THAT DICK. 218 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,817 I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU, RICK. 219 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,389 LET'S GET ON THE FLOOR. 220 00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:21,418 HI. WELCOME TO COPY TOWN. 221 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:22,592 YOU GUYS FINDING EVERYTHING 222 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:22,960 OKAY? 223 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:23,486 >> UH-HUH. 224 00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:24,261 >> Jon: BYE-BYE. 225 00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:24,727 >> BYE. 226 00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:25,755 >> Jon: WELL, I'M IN THE 227 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:26,959 WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM. 228 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,260 THIS IS A REALITY SHOW ABOUT MY 229 00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:29,231 LIFE. 230 00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:30,699 I JUST PUT IT IN LIKE YOU SHOWED 231 00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:31,498 ME HOW TO DO IT. 232 00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:32,829 I DON'T SEE WHAT I DID WRONG. 233 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,303 WHERE'S THE [BLEEP] LASER PAPER? 234 00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:35,471 I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THAT 235 00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,069 [BLEEP] IS. 236 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:38,270 [BLEEP] 237 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:41,141 UH, CAN I TAKE MY BREAK? 238 00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,411 >> 15 MINUTES. 239 00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,051 >> Jon: [ SIGHS ] I DON'T KNOW. 240 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:53,222 I JUST WISH SUSAN WOULD HAVE 241 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:53,950 SEEN THAT LOFT. 242 00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:56,594 I KNOW SHE WOULD HAVE STAYED. 243 00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:57,960 >> Mike: IT'S NONE OF MY 244 00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:00,428 BUSINESS, BUT... 245 00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:02,298 MAYBE YOU SHOULD START DATING 246 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:02,895 AGAIN. 247 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,566 [ TEAPOT WHISTLES ] 248 00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:06,265 >> Jon: I GOT TO SAY, IT TOOK 249 00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:07,996 BALLS THE SIZE OF MY BALLS TO 250 00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,671 SUGGEST I START DATING RIGHT 251 00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,470 AWAY, BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT CAN I 252 00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:11,942 SAY? 253 00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:12,939 MIKE WAS RIGHT. 254 00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:14,540 I MEAN, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO 255 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,112 DO -- JUST SIT AROUND ALL DAY 256 00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:17,479 FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF? 257 00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,448 SO, I CALLED THE PRODUCERS OF 258 00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:21,477 THE SHOW AND I HAD THEM SET ME 259 00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,452 UP ON SOME DATES. 260 00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,956 THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS, HUH? 261 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,596 >> I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO 262 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:34,955 CATS. 263 00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,062 >> Jon: I HOPE YOU'RE NOT 264 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,803 ALLERGIC TO LOVE. 265 00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:41,272 "A BOTTLE OF RED OR A BOTTLE OF 266 00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:43,168 WHITE -- WHATEVER GETS ME LAID 267 00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,470 TONIGHT." 268 00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,072 BILLY JOEL. 269 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,743 >> [ SIGHS ] 270 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,241 >> Jon: I'M ALSO IN THE 271 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,042 SEXUAL-INTERCOURSE-PROTECTION 272 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,354 PROGRAM. 273 00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:00,045 [ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ] 274 00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:01,493 HUH? NOT BAD, RIGHT? 275 00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:03,489 KIND OF COMPLEMENTS THE MASK A 276 00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:04,491 LITTLE BIT. 277 00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:06,262 YEAH, NOTHING LIKE A SHOPPING 278 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,199 SPREE TO CELEBRATE GETTING BACK 279 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,395 ON THE OLD HORSE. 280 00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:10,526 >> Mike: YOU LOOK GOOD. 281 00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:11,971 >> Jon: YEAH, THIS IS JUST THE 282 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,265 TYPE OF SWEATER SUSAN WOULD 283 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:13,666 HATE. 284 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,137 I'M GONNA TRY A DIFFERENT SIZE, 285 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:15,635 THOUGH. 286 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,096 THIS FEELS A LITTLE BIG. 287 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,414 >> Mike: YEAH, MAYBE TRY A 288 00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:20,405 MEDIUM. 289 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,513 >> Jon: EXCUSE ME, UH... 290 00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:25,382 I'M SORRY. 291 00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:27,148 YOU'RE PAUL RUDD, RIGHT? 292 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:27,947 >> YEAH. 293 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,648 >> Jon: I'M A BIG FAN. 294 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:30,980 >> OH. 295 00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,124 OH, THANKS. THANK YOU. 296 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:32,889 >> Jon: YEAH. 297 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,786 REALLY GREAT STUFF. 298 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:35,888 I LOVE "THE LOCUSTS." 299 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,159 THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE 300 00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:37,657 MOVIES. 301 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:38,728 >> WOW. [ CHUCKLES ] 302 00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:40,026 YEAH, YOU AND 10 OTHER -- 303 00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:42,397 [ GUNSHOTS ] 304 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:43,695 >> Jon: HOLY... 305 00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:44,897 [BLEEP] 306 00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:45,828 >> Mike: MAN DOWN. 307 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:46,573 >> Jon: PAUL? 308 00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:47,797 >> Mike: SUSPECT ON FOOT. 309 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:48,541 IN PURSUIT. 310 00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:49,196 >> Jon: PAUL? 311 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,772 OH, MY GOD! 312 00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:52,771 PAUL? 313 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,143 OH, GOD. 314 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:56,942 PAUL RUDD IS DEAD? 315 00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:58,984 [ Sobbing ] HE WAS IN 316 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,709 "ANCHORMAN"... 317 00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:03,284 AND "THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN." 318 00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,753 HE WAS IN "THE SHAPE OF THINGS." 319 00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:07,423 HE WAS IN "CLUELESS" AND 320 00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:09,160 "ROMEO + JULIET." 321 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,886 HE DID A THING IN 322 00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,791 "RENO 911!: MIAMI." 323 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,903 "THE CIDER HOUSE RULES." 324 00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:15,695 "P.S." 325 00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:17,296 "THE OH IN OHIO." 326 00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:18,327 "KNOCKED UP." 327 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,201 HE HAD A SERIES OF BROADWAY 328 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:20,970 CREDITS. 329 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,838 "THE LAST KNIGHT OF BALLYHOO." 330 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,436 "THREE DAYS OF RAIN" WITH 331 00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:25,467 JULIA ROBERTS. 332 00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:26,712 "TWELFTH NIGHT" AT 333 00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,077 LINCOLN CENTER. 334 00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:28,905 [BLEEP] 335 00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:29,739 [BLEEP] 336 00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:30,583 >> Mike: HE WAS IN 337 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:31,378 "HOUSE HUNTING." 338 00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:32,008 >> Jon: WHAT? 339 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,112 >> Mike: "HOUSE HUNTING." 340 00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,383 >> Jon: [ Sobbing ] HE WAS IN 341 00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,021 "HOUSE HUNTING." 342 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:39,186 [ WAILING ] 343 00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,756 [ FLUTE MUSIC PLAYS ] 344 00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:50,626 I DON'T KNOW, MIKE. 345 00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,331 I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS FALLING 346 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:53,732 APART. 347 00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,174 YOU KNOW, MY WIFE LEFT ME. 348 00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:56,838 SHE TOOK MY SON. 349 00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:59,367 I'M WORKING IN A COPY SHOP. 350 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,272 PAUL RUDD WAS KILLED RIGHT 351 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:04,414 BEFORE MY EYES. 352 00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:06,051 NOW I GOT TO TRY TO SLEEP ALONE 353 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,306 IN A STRANGE APARTMENT. 354 00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:08,754 IT'S NOT EVEN A SWEET LOFT. 355 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,419 >> Mike: WELL, TO PARAPHRASE 356 00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,147 SOMETHING SOMEBODY FAMOUS ONCE 357 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,622 SAID, "SOONER OR LATER, YOU 358 00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:16,862 SLEEP IN YOUR OWN SPACE. 359 00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,927 EITHER WAY, IT'S OKAY. 360 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,926 YOU'RE GETTING LAID." 361 00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:22,898 BILLY JOEL. 362 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,626 [ BOTH LAUGH ] 363 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,744 >> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ] 364 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,209 [ TELEPHONE BEEPS ] 365 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:37,266 >> * NEW YORK CITY 366 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,810 * WE'RE GOING DOWN TO 367 00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:42,276 NEW YORK CITY * 368 00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:47,045 * FEELIN' THE CITY 369 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,617 * SAVE MY HEART WHILE WE'RE ON 370 00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:51,075 THE HIGHWAY * 371 00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:52,054 * HEY 372 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,722 * NEW YORK CITY'S A STATE OF 373 00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:54,891 MIND * 374 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,758 * WELL, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD THE 375 00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,787 NEWS? * 376 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,432 * I'M GONNA GO BEFORE IT LEAVES 377 00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:01,527 ME BEHIND * 378 00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:02,428 >> * YEAH 379 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:03,599 >> * I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF THE 380 00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:07,266 BLUES * 381 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,537 * NEW YORK CITY 382 00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,736 >> * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH 383 00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,739 >> OWWWWW! 23180

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