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>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT
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HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY
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FROM THEIR SMALL-TOWN EXISTENCE
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IN THE WITNESS PROTECTION
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PROGRAM...
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>> Susan: [ Distorted ] MOVE
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THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...
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>> David: [ Distorted ] AND GIVE
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THEM THEIR OWN REALITY SHOW?
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>> * DO, DA-DA, DO
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* DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO, DO,
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DO-DA, DA-DO-DO-DO *
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* DO-DA, DA-DO
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* DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO, DO,
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DO-DA, DA-DO-DO-DO *
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* DA-DO, DA-DO
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* DO-DA, DO, DO, DO, DO, DO-DO
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* DA-DO, DO-DA, DO, DO,
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DO-DA, DO *
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* DO, DO, DO, DO
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* DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO
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* DO-DA, DO-DA, DO
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* DA-DO, DA-DO, DO, DO
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>> All: DELOCATED!
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>> Jon: [ SIGHS ] I DON'T KNOW.
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MAYBE JUST A LITTLE BIT OF
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ENTHUSIASM WOULD BE NICE.
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THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING.
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JUST A LITTLE BIT.
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>> Susan: I'M SORRY.
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>> David: I CAN'T GET EXCITED
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ABOUT THIS, DAD.
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>> Jon: WELL, HOW ABOUT, THEN,
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IF YOU JUST SIT UP?
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>> Mike: OKAY, GUYS.
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HERE'S THE DEAL.
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BASICALLY, TO PRESERVE YOUR
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ANONYMITY, YOU'LL BE WEARING THE
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SKI MASKS WHENEVER YOU'RE
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ON-CAMERA, WHICH WILL BE JUST
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ABOUT ALL THE TIME.
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AND THE SURGERY YOU ALL HAD TO
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PUT MICRO-TITANIUM VOICE
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HARMONIZERS RIGHT ON YOUR VOCAL
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CORDS WAS TO PERMANENTLY
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DISGUISE YOUR VOICES.
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>> Jon: I THINK IT MAKES US
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SOUND PRETTY COOL.
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[ LAUGHS ]
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>> Susan: LISTEN, I WANT TO GO
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ON RECORD BY SAYING I HATE MY
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SECURITY NAME.
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"SUSAN"?
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WHY DIDN'T I GET TO PICK IT?
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>> Mike: JUST A GOVERNMENT
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REGULATION.
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>> Susan: WELL, I WOULD HAVE
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PREFERRED TO HAVE BEEN CALLED
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"JODIE" OR "DIANE."
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>> Jon: OH, "JODIE" OR "DIANE"
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IS A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN
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"SUSAN."
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YOU'RE RIGHT.
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>> Susan: I THINK SO.
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>> David: WHAT ABOUT YOU, MIKE?
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ARE YOU STAYING HERE?
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>> Mike: NO, NO.
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NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY.
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I'M COMING WITH YOU GUYS.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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SO, ALL THAT REMAINS TO BE DONE
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NOW IS FOR YOU GUYS TO GET TO
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NEW YORK AND START YOUR NEW
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LIVES.
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EVERYONE EXCITED?
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>> Jon: YEAH!
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LET'S DO THIS, GUYS, HUH?
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LET'S GET FIRED UP!
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[ IMITATES CHAIN SAW ]
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FIRE UP THE FIRE-UP CHAIN SAW!
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* NEW YORK CITY!
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* BRR, NA, NO-NA, NA-NO
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* WE'RE GOING DOWN TO
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NEW YORK CITY *
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* NEO-R-R-R
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OWWW!
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SO, SUSAN AND DAVID AREN'T CRAZY
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ABOUT DOING THE SHOW.
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SUSAN THINKS WE'RE PUTTING
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OURSELVES IN DANGER.
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SHE'S GOT DAVID IN A PANIC THAT
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HE'S GONNA BE KILLED.
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WHAT'S THE WORST THAT'S GONNA
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HAPPEN?
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I BECOME SUPER-FAMOUS AND WE GET
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DIVORCED 'CAUSE OF HOW LAID I'M
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GETTING?
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[ LAUGHS ]
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BUT ANYWAY, I THINK ONCE WE GET
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TO NEW YORK, THEY'RE GONNA COME
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AROUND.
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WE'RE IN THIS UNBELIEVABLE LOFT
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THAT WE'RE GETTING SET UP IN.
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IT IS SICK. IT IS INSANE.
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>> Mike: BIRDS IN THE NEST.
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>> Jon: WOW.
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>> HI, FOLKS.
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WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME.
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MY NAME IS JAY. I'M THE DOORMAN.
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>> Jon: HEY, JAY. I'M JON.
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THIS IS MY WIFE, SUSAN, AND MY
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SON, DAVID.
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>> PLEASURE TO MEET YOU FOLKS.
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SORRY ABOUT ALL THE
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CONSTRUCTION.
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SHOULD BE DONE IN A COUPLE
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WEEKS.
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BUT YOU'RE ALL SET UP IN 1-H.
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>> David: IS THAT A FAKE
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MUSTACHE?
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>> Jon: DAVID!
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I'M SORRY, JAY.
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>> IT'S ALL RIGHT.
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>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET
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INSIDE.
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WHAT DO YOU SAY?
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THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!
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THIS PLACE IS AMAZING!
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* I WANT TO BE A PART OF
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NEW YORK CITY *
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WHAT THE [BLEEP]
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>> Susan: WOW. WHAT A BOX.
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>> David: I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT
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WAS A LOFT.
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>> Jon: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A
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LOFT.
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THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
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YEAH, HI. IT'S JON.
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YEAH, HEY, WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS
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GOING ON?
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT DO I
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MEAN?
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I'M IN THE APARTMENT.
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THAT'S MY POINT.
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IT'S NOT A LOFT. IT'S A STUDIO.
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BULL [BLEEP]
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THAT'S NOT WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT
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AT ALL, AND THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU
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SHOWED ME IN THE BROCHURE.
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WHY ELSE WOULD I PUT MY FAMILY
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ON-CAMERA AND RISK THEM BEING
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MURDERED IF I WASN'T IN A SWEET
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LOFT?
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THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT WORTH IT.
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THREE DAYS AND WE'RE IN THERE.
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ALL RIGHT, GUYS, HERE'S THE
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DEAL.
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>> Susan: "RISK MY FAMILY BEING
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MURDERED"?
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ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
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>> Jon: SUSAN.
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>> Susan: I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET
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YOU TALK ME INTO THIS.
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>> Jon: SUSAN, RELAX.
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I JUST SAID ALL THAT STUFF TO
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GET US IN THE LOFT.
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>> Susan: I'M TAKING DAVID TO A
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HOTEL.
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I NEED TO FIGURE SOME STUFF OUT.
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>> Jon: SUSAN, COME ON.
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ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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SUSAN, WAIT A SECOND.
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>> Susan: WORK IT OUT ON YOUR
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OWN.
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>> Jon: SUSAN!
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>> Mike: MOTHER AND SON COMING
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OUT.
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MEET THEM IN FRONT.
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>> Jon: [ EXHALES DEEPLY ]
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I THINK MY WIFE JUST LEFT ME.
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AND SHE TOOK MY SON BECAUSE THE
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SHOW SCREWED UP AND WE'RE NOT IN
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A LOFT.
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AND I...SAID THAT THEY WOULD BE
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MURDERED.
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OH, MY GOD!
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OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
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[BLEEP]
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I NEED A MINUTE HERE, MIKE.
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I GOT TO FIGURE -- I JUST --
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GIVE ME A SECOND, PLEASE.
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>> Mike: ACTUALLY, WE GOT TO GET
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YOU TO YOUR NEW JOB.
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>> Jon: SO, AS PART OF THE
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WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM, THE
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GOVERNMENT PLACES YOU IN A NEW
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OCCUPATION.
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THEY'VE GOT ME A JOB AT A SMALL
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COPY SHOP.
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I'M NOT REALLY SUPPOSED TO TALK
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ABOUT WHAT I DID FOR A LIVING
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PREVIOUSLY, BUT, UH...
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LET'S JUST SAY IT RHYMES WITH
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"ARCHITECT."
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>> YOU'LL BE WORKING THE FLOOR,
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HELPING PEOPLE MAKING COPIES AND
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THINGS.
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YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR PRODUCERS
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CALLED ME AND ASKED HOW I FELT
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ABOUT HAVING SOMEONE FROM THE
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WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM
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WORKING HERE, I WAS SURE IT WAS
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CRAIG FROM CORPORATE PLAYING A
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JOKE ON ME.
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>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]
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[BLEEP] CRAIG!
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THAT DICK.
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I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU, RICK.
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LET'S GET ON THE FLOOR.
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HI. WELCOME TO COPY TOWN.
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YOU GUYS FINDING EVERYTHING
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OKAY?
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>> UH-HUH.
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>> Jon: BYE-BYE.
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>> BYE.
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>> Jon: WELL, I'M IN THE
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WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.
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THIS IS A REALITY SHOW ABOUT MY
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LIFE.
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I JUST PUT IT IN LIKE YOU SHOWED
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ME HOW TO DO IT.
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I DON'T SEE WHAT I DID WRONG.
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WHERE'S THE [BLEEP] LASER PAPER?
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I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THAT
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[BLEEP] IS.
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[BLEEP]
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UH, CAN I TAKE MY BREAK?
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>> 15 MINUTES.
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>> Jon: [ SIGHS ] I DON'T KNOW.
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I JUST WISH SUSAN WOULD HAVE
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SEEN THAT LOFT.
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I KNOW SHE WOULD HAVE STAYED.
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>> Mike: IT'S NONE OF MY
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BUSINESS, BUT...
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MAYBE YOU SHOULD START DATING
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AGAIN.
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[ TEAPOT WHISTLES ]
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>> Jon: I GOT TO SAY, IT TOOK
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BALLS THE SIZE OF MY BALLS TO
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SUGGEST I START DATING RIGHT
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AWAY, BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT CAN I
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SAY?
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MIKE WAS RIGHT.
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I MEAN, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO
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DO -- JUST SIT AROUND ALL DAY
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FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF?
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SO, I CALLED THE PRODUCERS OF
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THE SHOW AND I HAD THEM SET ME
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UP ON SOME DATES.
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THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS, HUH?
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>> I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO
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CATS.
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>> Jon: I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
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ALLERGIC TO LOVE.
265
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"A BOTTLE OF RED OR A BOTTLE OF
266
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WHITE -- WHATEVER GETS ME LAID
267
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,470
TONIGHT."
268
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BILLY JOEL.
269
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>> [ SIGHS ]
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>> Jon: I'M ALSO IN THE
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00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,042
SEXUAL-INTERCOURSE-PROTECTION
272
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PROGRAM.
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[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]
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HUH? NOT BAD, RIGHT?
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00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:03,489
KIND OF COMPLEMENTS THE MASK A
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LITTLE BIT.
277
00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:06,262
YEAH, NOTHING LIKE A SHOPPING
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00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,199
SPREE TO CELEBRATE GETTING BACK
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00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,395
ON THE OLD HORSE.
280
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:10,526
>> Mike: YOU LOOK GOOD.
281
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:11,971
>> Jon: YEAH, THIS IS JUST THE
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00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,265
TYPE OF SWEATER SUSAN WOULD
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00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:13,666
HATE.
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I'M GONNA TRY A DIFFERENT SIZE,
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THOUGH.
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THIS FEELS A LITTLE BIG.
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00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,414
>> Mike: YEAH, MAYBE TRY A
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00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:20,405
MEDIUM.
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00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,513
>> Jon: EXCUSE ME, UH...
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I'M SORRY.
291
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YOU'RE PAUL RUDD, RIGHT?
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>> YEAH.
293
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>> Jon: I'M A BIG FAN.
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>> OH.
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OH, THANKS. THANK YOU.
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>> Jon: YEAH.
297
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REALLY GREAT STUFF.
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I LOVE "THE LOCUSTS."
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THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE
300
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:37,657
MOVIES.
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>> WOW. [ CHUCKLES ]
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YEAH, YOU AND 10 OTHER --
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[ GUNSHOTS ]
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>> Jon: HOLY...
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[BLEEP]
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00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:45,828
>> Mike: MAN DOWN.
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>> Jon: PAUL?
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00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:47,797
>> Mike: SUSPECT ON FOOT.
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IN PURSUIT.
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>> Jon: PAUL?
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OH, MY GOD!
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PAUL?
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OH, GOD.
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PAUL RUDD IS DEAD?
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[ Sobbing ] HE WAS IN
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00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,709
"ANCHORMAN"...
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AND "THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN."
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00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,753
HE WAS IN "THE SHAPE OF THINGS."
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00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:07,423
HE WAS IN "CLUELESS" AND
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00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:09,160
"ROMEO + JULIET."
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HE DID A THING IN
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"RENO 911!: MIAMI."
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"THE CIDER HOUSE RULES."
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"P.S."
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"THE OH IN OHIO."
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00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:18,327
"KNOCKED UP."
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HE HAD A SERIES OF BROADWAY
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CREDITS.
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"THE LAST KNIGHT OF BALLYHOO."
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"THREE DAYS OF RAIN" WITH
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JULIA ROBERTS.
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"TWELFTH NIGHT" AT
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LINCOLN CENTER.
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[BLEEP]
335
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[BLEEP]
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>> Mike: HE WAS IN
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"HOUSE HUNTING."
338
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:32,008
>> Jon: WHAT?
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00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,112
>> Mike: "HOUSE HUNTING."
340
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,383
>> Jon: [ Sobbing ] HE WAS IN
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00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,021
"HOUSE HUNTING."
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[ WAILING ]
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[ FLUTE MUSIC PLAYS ]
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I DON'T KNOW, MIKE.
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I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS FALLING
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APART.
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YOU KNOW, MY WIFE LEFT ME.
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00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:56,838
SHE TOOK MY SON.
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I'M WORKING IN A COPY SHOP.
350
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,272
PAUL RUDD WAS KILLED RIGHT
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00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:04,414
BEFORE MY EYES.
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00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:06,051
NOW I GOT TO TRY TO SLEEP ALONE
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IN A STRANGE APARTMENT.
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00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:08,754
IT'S NOT EVEN A SWEET LOFT.
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00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,419
>> Mike: WELL, TO PARAPHRASE
356
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,147
SOMETHING SOMEBODY FAMOUS ONCE
357
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,622
SAID, "SOONER OR LATER, YOU
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00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:16,862
SLEEP IN YOUR OWN SPACE.
359
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,927
EITHER WAY, IT'S OKAY.
360
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,926
YOU'RE GETTING LAID."
361
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:22,898
BILLY JOEL.
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[ BOTH LAUGH ]
363
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>> [ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]
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[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]
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>> * NEW YORK CITY
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* WE'RE GOING DOWN TO
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NEW YORK CITY *
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* FEELIN' THE CITY
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* SAVE MY HEART WHILE WE'RE ON
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THE HIGHWAY *
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* HEY
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* NEW YORK CITY'S A STATE OF
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00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:54,891
MIND *
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00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,758
* WELL, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD THE
375
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,787
NEWS? *
376
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,432
* I'M GONNA GO BEFORE IT LEAVES
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00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:01,527
ME BEHIND *
378
00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:02,428
>> * YEAH
379
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:03,599
>> * I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF THE
380
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:07,266
BLUES *
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00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,537
* NEW YORK CITY
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00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,736
>> * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
383
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,739
>> OWWWWW!
23180
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