All language subtitles for Boston Legal - 5x03 - Dances with Wolves.HDTV.en

Previously on "Boston Legal"...

I was referred to
a sex therapist, a surrogate.

I'd like you to meet with her.

I'm retired. I've remarried,
and my husband has problems

with his wife being
a sexual surrogate. Te

I-I'm sure you have a name,
but I'm not much interested.

You scare me.
See me shudder?

Take your clothes off.
I'll make you shudder.

Do you think you could
maybe squeeze me in?

I'm very sorry, but you
won't be making partner.

Jerry Espenson deserves
to be made a partner.

He's not a rainmaker, Alan.
He's toast, weird toast.

Let me tell you something,
and you heard it here first.

Okay.

Obama's trouble with women

has nothing to do
with the hillary supporters,

most of whom are lesbians,
by the way,

and you can quote me on that.

I think I won't

- it comes from Bill.
- Bill?

See, he's been with
a lot of women.

Left most of them with
a bad taste in their mouth.

So, uh, Jerry,

you and I are having a drink.

What's the deal?
'Cause I think you're weird.

Okay.

I come up for partner
this fall, Mr. Crane.

Call me Denny. No, don't.

And when I do...
I expect your full support.

Why would I want
a weird guy for a partner?

Because I've earned it.

And to get it.
I'm going to need your support.

Here's my question to you...
do you really want it?

Yes, I do.

Cause being a partner
in a law firm

isn't all cked up to be.

But the moneths good,
right?

Who are you?

Oh, I'm part of the
neighborhood crime watch.

The way this works is,
you watch, I commit the crime.

Oh, my God.

Now...

nah, no, no.
There's no talking.

You just give me
your watch and wallet now.

Here's my problem...
you're black.

Oh, Mr. Crane!

What?

I'm Denny Crane.
I'm a big shot.

So am I.

If you kill me,
the headline's gonna be,

"black guy
kills white big shot,"

and that's
the last thing we need

when we're trying to elect an
African-American as president.

Dear God.

How about if I just blow
your brains out right now?

That doesn't work for me.
Work for you?

Denny, please.

Hey...

all right, all right, all right.

Watch.

Wallet.

Gun.

- Knee.
- Aah!

- Right foot.
- Aah!

- Left foot.
- Aah! Oh!

Gah! Oh!

Thank God for guns,
huh, Jerry?

Only in America...

sweet land of liberty valance.

www.1000fr.com presents...

Capture: FRM
Sync: FRS

Are you all right?

Of course I'm all...
why wouldn't I be all right?

It was just an attempted
mugging and no...

and you absolutely
had to shoot him.

I shoot people all the time.

You had to shoot him
three times.

Uh, if you say so.

In both feet.

Mr. Crane?

I told you everything
last night.

Yes, and we
appreciate that sir

but unfortunately, we haven't
en sent to get your statement.

What is it then,
autograph?

No, sir.

I apologize,
but we're here to arrest you.

Arrest me?!

What's going on?

Look, if it was up to me,
Mr. Crane here would...

what are the charges?

Possession of
a concealed firearm.

Oh, please.

You can't be serious.
This man was mugged.

I realize that.

I also realize
that his having a gun

helped us catch a guy
we been lookin' for,

but the law is the law,
and Mr. Crane broke it.

Please place your hands
behind your back, sir.

This is unbelievable.

You have the right
to remain silent.

I know my rights,

and let me tell you,
I'm never silent.

Everything about me
makes noise.

I want those back
when we're done.

Gnment is at ten:30.

I'm on my way.

Uh, he doesn't want you, Alan.

Excuse me?

He thinks you're too anti-gun.

Oh.

Did he say who he did want?

Angelina Jolie,
but that's not going to happen.

Carl, do you think
you could go?

Me? I'm not pro-gun.

Please.

Alan.

Joanna. Hello.

Sorry to disturb.
I have a bit of an emergency.

My ex-husband, uh,
he's trying to take my daughter.

He says my being a sex surrogate
makes me an unfit mother.

How old is she?
- 10.

And I've only worked part-time
since she was born.

I've been pretty much
stay-at-home.

Have you had sole custody?

No, split,
but he's going for sole.

I wouldn't get
to have her at all.

Okay, look, let me, set up
a meeting with his attorney...

he can't win this, can he?

Let me just talk...

she's my little girl.

Joanna,
you're not gonna lose her.

"3-2-8-8-8..."

"the commonwealth vs. Denny Crane,

on the charge of possession
of a concealed we..."

your honor, Carl Sack for the
defendant we'll waive the reading.

For God sake,
what has he done now?

What's he done, your honor,
is to have the temerity

to defend himself
against an armed assailant.

The charge is for possession
of a concealed firearm,

not shooting.

I have a constitutional right
to bear arms.

Ask the supreme court.

The supreme court did not
give him the right

to conceal a firearm
without a carry permit.

I got a note from dick cheney.

Mr. Crane, you are accused
of breaking the law.

You will stand trial.
Is that clear?

Your honor, shouldn't you
recuse yourself?

After all, I did tell you
to bite me that time.

When?

It was, uh... oh, come to think
of it, uh, now, actually.

Bite me.

You cannot, cannot, cannot,
cannot antagonize the judge.

Oh, please.

You know the jury will take
its cues from him.

What's going on?

We go to trial.

Uh, Jerry.

You'll be second chairing.

- Won't I be a witness?
- I want you as cocounsel.

Who's better to
clse than somebody

who stared down
the barrel of the gun?

- You want him to close?
- Why not?

Denny, do you want
to get off or not?

My place or yours?

Bring the outfit.

Denny, I'm not really
comfortable arguing this one.

Jerry, you want
to make partner?

You gotta take one
for the team.

It's an unstable environment.

She's a perv,
and we're not budging.

Okay, first...

and don't try any of your
disgusting strategiesie

to unsettle me.

Well, who's to say
what'sisgusting?

I could offer to close my eyes
and suck on you

as if you were
a giant love peach.

I'm giving you 30 seconds
to state your case,

and then I'm out the door.

Emma...

and don't call me
by my first name.

Daniella's doing very well with
the current custody arrangement.

She's healthy, happy,
very active.

She gets straight a's
in school.

Her er sells her body
as a sex worker.

She is not a sex worker
she's a certified

health professional
who offers sex surrogacy

as one of many therapeutic
approaches to help people

suffering with a dysfunction.

I understand you were
one of her clients.

Yes.

She taught me several things
I'd love to pass on to you.

Should we just get a room?

Disgusting.

Iook, we're talking about
a 10-year-old girl here.

I can't have you around her.

Martin, the shared custody...

if you and I don't see
eye to eye,

we can't make decisions
together.

I'm afraid of your influence,

of the impact
you might make on her.

L-I-I just can't have it.

We'll see you in court,
stud muffin.

Whoa! Ooh, tenderloin.

Tease.

Your ex-husband will
testify first, then you.

Okay.

We'll try to avoid
having to call daniella,

but she'll likely have to at least
talk to a judge in chambers.

Okay.

Joanna, it would take a lot

for a judge to deny a mother
custody of any kind.

Most mothers don't do
what I do.

There's that.

Alan...

how are you doing?

Me? Fine. Why?

Just asking.

Joanna, you never just ask.
What are you getting at?

Well, your dialogue
with opposing counsel

was especially aggressive...

sexually aggressive.

That was just
lawyer's gamesmanship.

The language I heard was...
not simply for another lawyer.

It was for a woman.

Say what's on your mind,
joanna.

Okay.

Well, I've never
said it before,

but there's a part of you
that's always been sexist.

But now you seem to be
losing the ability,

even the inclination,

to connect with a woman
in a nonsexual way.

What used to be a part
is becoming the whole.

You know, given that

your life with your daughter
is about to be decided,

I would think the last thing
you'd want to do right now

is to distract me.

No, you're right.

I apologize.

Let's go.

We pulled three guns
off him at the scene.

Then when we went to
arrest him the next day,

he had five more guns on him.

He also had a little propane
thing that wasn't legal.

A propane thing?

Yeah, it was a device
strapped to his buttocks.

Basically,
he could break wind

and turn his ass
into a blowtorch.

And did he have any
carry permits for these weapons?

No, sir, he did not.

What would have happened
had Mr. Crane not been armed?

Objection.
Calls for spulation.

Your honor, this officer
has 15 years experience

with criminals and their conduct.

He has foundation to speculate.

I'll allow it.

So how do you think
it would've gone down?

I'm sure he would've been mugged.

Possibly killed?

Possibly,
but it's also possible...

thank you, officer.
You've answered my question

oh, one more thing,
officer, honestly,

when you arrested Mr. Crane,
did you want to?

Objection!
That one's sustained.

Oh, your honor, if I may...

what?

By sustaining the objection,
the jury will never learn

that the officer
really didn't want to arrest me,

which he really
didn't want to do.

I'm sorry, but her sex job makes
her an inappropriate parent.

Objection to the term "sex job."

It's inaccurate
and makes me giggle.

Mr. Shore, you turn this
courtroom into a playground,

and I'm gonna come down there
and beat the crap outta you.

Ms. Path, please.

And while this would be
a call to action

at any point
in daniella's life,

it is of even more
pronounced concern

at her current age, yes?

Yes. Girls are entering puberty
earlier and earlier.

This is a very
formative time for her.

A time when her moral

and behavioral foundations
are put into place

about so many things,
about sex.

Kids learn from what
their parents say,

from what their parents do,

even from their unsaid attitudes.

In fact,
60% of 8 to 11 year olds

say their mothers
are their number one resource

for issues like sex, h.I.V.
And a.I.D.s., alcohol, drugs...

aren't you a little
encyclopedic ball of fire?

Mr. Shore, do I have to
come down there?

Judge, I'm actually a fan
of corporal punishment,

escially when it comes
from the rugged hands...

but hat's just me.

Ms. Path,
please continue.

What's your main issue,
Martin?

My ex-wife,
in doing what she does,

is giving daniella an excessivel
permissive take on sex.

She's saying to my daughter,
"it's okay to be sexual

with people you don't love
for money."

Studies show

that the more often parents
discuss sex with their kids

in an open and
comfortable manner,

the less likely the kids are
to have sex early and casually.

This goes way
beyond discussion.

It's also been found
that the parent needs to

initiate these exchanges,
uh, as 77% of teenagers

simply don't know
how to bring it up.

Shouldn't you
count yourself lucky

that you have a trained
professional in the family,

someone skilled...
a little too skilled.

You were aware that jona
was a sex surrogate

- when you married her?
- Well, yes, but...

did it turn you on?

Objection.

Overruled.

Did it turn you on?

Once you become a parent,
you look at things differently.

That's a yes,
it turned you on.

I told her I wanted her to quit.

We wanted to start a family,
which we did,

and she quit for a while,

but then she went back to work.

Ah. So women
should only work

until they become
wives and mothers

because that's
their real calling,

and a career
is just something to do

until their real lives start,
which is mothering.

I didn't ask her
to quit curing cancer...

or quit teaching kids
to be concert violinists.

I asked her to give up
the orgasm workshops.

- Move to strike.
- Overruled.

Something bothering you,
Mr. Shore?

She threatened
to beat you up?

Yes.

- The judge?
- Yes

and the lawyer.
She'd beat me up if she could.

The little one
who slapped me around?

Yes.

She's a fiery number.

She'd wear you out
at night, I'll bet.

Denny, do you think
you and I are sexist?

Us?

We do tend
to objectify women.

They love that, Alan.
They'd be mad if you didn't.

Do you think you treat women
as your equal?

I'm Denny Crane.

There's no man my equal,
much less a woman.

Ah.

You know who the real sexists
are in this country, Alan?

It's the women. It's the women
media who tore up hillary,

women who criticized
her pantsuits,

said she wasn't pretty enough,
she should be softer, sexier.

Me? Hell, just give me
the word,

I'll throw her across my desk.

You're such a libertarian.

Alan, you and I

are the last people
who could be called sexist.

We love women, all women,
even the fat ones.

Hell, sometimes I even
prefer the fat ones.

What?

Talking is the predominant
element of surrogate therapy...

um, sharing information,
providing emotional support,

devising coping skills.

There are nonerotic
body awareness exercises,

sensory explorations
and relaxation techniques.

And yet, these folks
depict you as a strumpet

with a plaque on the wall.

Less than 15% of my time
with clients

is spent engaging
in sexual activities.

The goal is to reorient,
to reeducate

so that intimacy is possible,
comfortable and healthy.

But is it primarily about
sexual technique?

It's primarily about intimacy,

which often goes
way deeper than sex.

Some women are self-loathing
and use sex as an affirmation,

which, of cose,
completely backfires.

I have many men
who love their wives,

but nevertheless,
hate women on some level.

Uh... and...

you went back to work
after your divorce because?

I was eager to be an example
to my daughter

of an independent,
self-sufficient woman.

For the most part,
th went very well.

Would you like to explain that
little personal shot at me?

Excuse me?

That comment about
men hating women?

That comment wasn't
somewhat directed at me?

No. I have many male clients
who are repulsed by feminism.

It had nothing to do
with you, Alan.

But the fact
that it hit a nerve is...

of course it hit a nerve!

You've got my antennae up.

Then ask yourself why.

Joanna, I am not one of
those men

who hates women
or is repulsed by feminism.

- I know that.
- I'm not. I'm...

Iook, do you want me
to win your daughter back?

I do.

Then don't
unsettle me with...

you know, Alan, you once
told me, when you meet a woman,

the first question
you ask yourself is,

"would I or wouldn't I,
and how would it be?"

That's the first question

every heterosexual male
asks himself.

We're built that way.

And for your information,
it's now more like

the third or fourth question
I ask myself.

That doesn't mean
I hate women.

When I knocked on your door
the other day, you said hello

and mentally undressed me
in a heartbeat.

I do that
with all... people.

You looked fantastic.

The guy pulled a gun on me.
I pulled mine on him.

Yes. The issue here isn't
self-defense so much as...

but it was self-defense.

Absolutely.

I mean,
if I didn't have my gun...

- you'd be dead. Finis
- gone.

- I had to shoot, saved my life.
- Boom

and Jerry's.

Didn't shoot to kill.

Just to wound.

- Took a knee. Boom and boom.
- And two feet. Boom

objection!
You think this is funny?

Funny uh, did you
have a chuckle

the last time somebody
pulled a gun on you?

This case is about concealing
a handgun on the person,

not about self-defense.

That doesn't mean
we can ignore the reality

that if Mr. Crane didn't have
his concealed weapon...

- dead. Finis. Boom.
- Gone. Boom. And boom.

Objection!

Stop it!

You think you have
a constitutional right

to conceal a weapon
without a carry permit?

I have a right
to keep a gun at home.

The court says so.

You were on the street.

A man's home is where his
heart is. In my case, the penis.

Do you have any idea how many
people die from gun violence

in this country?

Yeah, yeah. Let's make a law...
no carrying guns.

I'm sure the criminals
will obey it.

Show me where
the constitution says

you can walk the streets
armed without a carry permit.

The constitution says whatever
the supreme court says it says.

As for what
the supreme court says,

that all depends
on who's president.

Move to strike.

You don't have to be
a legal genius to know

that if you've got a president
in office who likes guns

and a vice president
who likes to hunt...

lawyers and quail

and a supreme court justice
who hunts with him,

you're gonna have
a constitutional right

to shoot bad guys in the knee.

I swear to you, the man
doesn't have alzheimer's.

He uses the mad cow as an excuse
to do whatever the hell he wants,

whether it's dropping his pants
or shooting people.

He had a pet scan.

It showed
he has plaque on his brain.

Says who?

He's Denny Crane. You don't
think he could rig a pet scan?

I'm telling you,
the man knows what he's doing.

Is he going to win here?

That I don't know.
We don't really have a defense.

Can you...

explain the wisdom
in letting Jerry clo???

Denny's wisdom.

Since Jerry was also a victim,

he's most able to put the jury
in Denny's shoes that night.

Shirley.

Carl.

Shirley, um,

do you find me terribly sexist?

This isn't funny.

Answer the question.

Befo I respond, could you
answer a question for me?

Are you finished fiddling
with my cheerleader outfit?

L-I...

that's just...

a textile fetish.

Alan.

I respect women,
every part of a woman.

I'd say especially the parts.

That's right. So...

that isn't true, Shirley.

Is it?

Alan, you know you are
an iconic letch.

If I make you feel any better,

sometimes even I like
being ogled by you.

So do I.

I think the problem
you're having is...

you feel reduced by the label.

You're not a simple man.

You're extremely complicated,

brilliant, funny, profoundly layered,

but fundamentally, you are, an...

incorrigible, irrepressible dog...

with a textile fetish.

I love this place.

Jerry?

Denny.

What are you doing?

Standing on my desk.

For any particular reason?

I'm having an
out-of-body experience.

I'm looking down on myself
as I deliver my compelling closing.

Come on off the desk there, big fella.

Here, come to pa??

You want to do well here,
don't you?

I do.

'Cause lawyers who get me off
tend to make partner,

especially women lawyers.

Stop laughing, Jerry.

I notice you twiddling
the wooden cigarette.

Makes you feel confident, does it?

It helps.

Iook what I got here.

A wooden cigar.

It's yours...

if you do a good job,

and by doing a good job, Jerry,

you personally can ensure

that every American has the right,
the privilege of carrying a gun.

How many lawyers
have that opportunity...

truly, Jerry?

Does your mom ever bring
any of her clients home?

No.

Daniella, what exactly do you know
about your mother's job?

L-I know she's a sexual surrogate.

And you know what
a sexual surrogate does?

She treats people with, like...

sex problems
and problems trusting and stuff.

And you know the nature
of that treatment?

She talks to them,
sometimes she has sex with them.

How do you feel about that?

I don't know. Um...

o-okay, I guess. I mean...

it's a little weird, but it's her job.

Daniella, can you tell me
a little bit about

what life is like
at home with your mother?

It's...

I don't know, normal, I guess.

Um, it's home.

And what do you
and your mom do together?

Lots of stuff. We like to hike.

We like to play a lot of games...

you know, hearts, monopoly.

She's one of the coaches
on my soccer team.

But mostly, she kinda nags me
to do my homework

and stop playing "guitar hero."

Do you ever talk about
your mother's job with her?

Sometimes.

Daniella,

I know this is an unfair question,
but I am going to ask it.

Do you have a feeling about living either
mostly with your mom or your dad?

We are a nation of laws,
and Mr. Crane broke the law.

He carried a ccealed weapon...
eight of them, actually.

He has no defense
nor has he offered one.

His only play would be
to challenge the existing law.

He no doubt thinks the recent
supreme court ruling empowers him.

It does not.

The ruling said that an individual
has the right to bear arms.

It does not say he has a right
to conceal them,

nor does it hold
that the stah@ can't impose??

?? Onable restrictions
on that right.

And this restriction is very reasonable.

30,000 americans are killed
by guns every year.

To put that in perspective,

we have lost close to 4,000 soldiers
in iraq during the war.

Kids are killed on the street
walking to school.

People are shot dead in their houses,
their places of work.

Do we really need another virginia tech

to realize that this country
has a problem which is epidemic?

There are now more firearms
in homes than pets.

Does the defense
really mean to suggest

that folks be allowed to walk
around concealing their firearms?

Or is it just that Denny Crane
is above the law?

Or maybe,

as his testimony suggests,
it's all in good fun.

Why be so concerned about
something as trivial as human life?

Jerry, you have to get up now.

Human life? Human life?

Can we just please dispense
with the human life jingle?

It's so boring. Of course
we're all pro-human life.

Show of hands. How many in favor
of people not being dead?

But let's face it.
We love guns.

Go to the movies, for
Pete's sake, turn on your TV.

We're a pistol-totin',
gun-lovin' people.

Remember, we started this country
with the shot heard round the world,

not a egislation." am I right?

Look, Denny Crane
is a lawyer himself, a scholar.

In fact, if there are two legal minds

that were ever in perfect sync
in this country,

it would be those of
antonin scalia and Denny Crane.

Check their d.n. A...
twins separated at birth, I tell you...

Denny and Tony,
Tony and Denny.

Can you imagine ����y Crane
on the supreme court?

Wow. Scalia, roberts, Thomas,
alito and Crane...

talk about birds of a feather.

?? Y, what are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm celebrating
the actions of my client.

I'm acknowledging that he,
along with the supreme court...

not all, but the big five...

are smarter than any other
supreme court we've ever had.

I mean, no other supreme court
in our 200-year history

could find a right to bear arms
for nonmilitary purposes,

but suddenly... presto!

Thank God for the big five,
I tell you.

"A well regulated militia

"being necessary to
the security of a free state,

"the right of the people to keep
and bear arms shall not be infringed."

It turns out the trick is
to just ignore the first 13 words.

Home free.

See, big Tony calls this
"the prefatory clause."

Prefatory...
I guess that means "worthless."

And this is the operative clause.

Of course.

All this nonsense about the right being
necessary for a well regulated militia,

they put that in for fun,
those founding father jokesters.

We weren't supposed to actually
take this part seriously.

How could all those
stupid supreme courts

over the last 200 years
have fallen for that?

- May I have a word with cocounsel...
- no, you may not.

And enough with this "we're
a nati of laws" crapola.

Please, we're a nation of politics.

Am I right? Am I right?

The laws are simply devices
to serve our ideologies.

For example, this court,

which is the smartest
in the history of the world,

trumpeted individual liberties
to protect guns??

But as for individual liberties
for criminal defendants?

Who needs 'em?

And then in the guant�namo case,

big Tony said individual
liberties be damned

when it means more human lives
might be lost,

but in the gun's case, it's hail,
hail individual liberties,

even though mo human lives
might be lost.

That's consistent.

See, big Tony knows the score.

Iook to your politics.

That'll tell you what the law is.

Jerry.

Pipe down, sacky-boy.

These are smart judges,
these supreemies.

And, boy, once we got the newbies,
roberts and alito, the preemies...

the possibilities are just boundless.

They don't have to be bound by the
constitution or the founding fathers.

Seems they'rt even bound
by their ownrinciples.

Jerry.

Consider...

they always say political questions
should be decided by elected officials,

but as for guns... nuh-uh!

They say we need to pay close attention
to the precise words in the constitution,

but for guns... nuh-uh!

They say they dicial activism,??

But when it comes to guns...
nuh-uh!

Don't you just love
these preemies? Mccain does.

He wanfjo go out and find
more judges exactly like t??

He's a smarty-pants, too, that mccain.
He knows how to become president.

He once cosponsored a Bill
closing the gun show loophole.

But now? Nuh-uh!

He now believes the second
amendment means no gun control.

That might make him even smarter
than big Tony and the preemies.

And obama, he's no dummy.

He once took a stand on firearms,
but in his blueprint for change...

nada,

nothing on gun control.

I guess we don't need
that much change.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
you cannot convict Denny Crane.

If anything,
this man should behoanonized.

Oh, don't you love that word?
Canonized.

Sounds like a big gun.

Show of hands,
how many are titillated?

Denny Crane, like big Tony,
like the preemies,

he doesn't look at the meaning
of the constit cn and say why.

He sees meanings that never were

and says why not?

My client is a real American...

flag on his lapel,
gun in his pants.

He shoots bad guys.
Boom, boom. Boom, boom.

There is nothing more red,
white and blue than him,

a man who knows,
as does our president,

as do the big five...

human life is simply no match
for a gun.

What the hell was that?!

Was I not compelling?

You just sent him to jail.

What could possibly possess you?

You did, for starters. You said
to give Denny what he needs.

He needed to lose.

He needed to lose.

- And you made that decision?
- Denny did.

Carl, my friend, the trick to
changing a law is not to beat it,

but to get beat.

Then you can appeal
to a court that can change it.

What are you talking about?

The Massachusetts legislature
is never gonna let us pack pistols.

You gotta get it
to the supreme court.

They'll take care of it.

You can't be serious.

You want to lose so you can
appeal to the supreme court?

Jey, my boy,

let me present you a wooden cigar.

You earned it, my friend.

Thank you.

I'm a professional woman.
I have kids.

They understand what I do.
They ask me about my work.

They're proud to have me
come to their school for career day.

And when I get this paycheck,

they can feel coident

that it doesn't represent one
minute of me engaging in a sex act.

Will this be the case for daniella?

What's in her best interests?

Daniella's best interests
lie with her father.

Let's not be outfoxed
by the fancy talk

and therapy-jargonized argument
of Ms. Monroe and her sleazy lawyer

and allow daniella
to be exposed to a woman

who employs questionable philosophies

and unfit moral practices
in her chosen career.

The general laws
of Massachusetts state that

custody of a child includes
the right and responsibility

to see to the child's welfare
and make major decisions

about his or her education
and medical care

and emotional, moral
and religious development.

Give daniella's father sole custody.

Don't make me hit you.

There was an incident
in a shopping mall recently

that incited a storm of protests
and was well-covered by the media.

Apparently a woman was
thrown out of a lingerie store

because while she was sitting
next to a mannequin

that was wearing only a thong
and a peekaboo bra,

the woman started
to breastfeed her baby.

Meanwhile, back in the capital,

attorney general John ashcroft
had mammoth drapes

purchased to obscure two statues in the
great hall of the department of justice

because the female statue,
spirit of justice,

has one breast uncovered

and the male statue, majesty of law,

is bare-chested and wears a loincloth.

- What is your point?
- My point is,

this country has a profoundly
paradoxical relationship with sex.

We damn infidelity,

but our presidents have had
extramarital affairs

in and out of the white house.

The mistress keeping
and rendezvousing of f.d.r.,

I.b.j., Billy Bob Clinton

and grand champ j.f.k. Are legendary,

and other than the politically
motivated impeachiim of Billy Bob,

we went with it.

We didn't say you've engaged in
inappropriate sexual behavior

our culture finds inexcusable,
so give up your children.

And by the way,
when it comes to our children,

we've entirely lost our heads.

When parents were surveyed about

what they found most offensive
in their kids' video games,

a man and a woman having sex
came in first as most offensive,

beating out graphically severed
human head, which came in third.

And yet we have
more and more women

proudly declaring
to their friends over coffee,

"I'm a milf
at my kid's high school."

M-I-l-f...
mother I'd like to...

forgive me for speaking
this way in court.

Evidently, we've decided,

instead of our traditional
desexing of mothers,

we now need to sex them up a bit.

Just talk about the fitness
of this mother.

Joanna is a wonderful mother.

And part of her job
is to help people

find some semblance of order
in this paralyzing mess,

to help people find some clarity.

In today's world, we should
all be assigned someone

to help us navigate the waters
of sex and sexism,

because it's so easy to get lost,

so woefully, woefully lost.

We need to bring sex
out of the dark shadows

where it can get twisted
and torqued and...

we think nothing of using sex
to sell products

or movies,
television shows, magazines,

but when someone is addressing sex
in a real, true, honest way,

that's immoral?
That's inappropriate?

That's unfit?

All right, you win.

I am maintaining dual custody.

Well, if you don't mind, I'd still
like to finish what I have to say.

No.

Mr. Monroe, what she does
is clearly unconventional,

but there is no sign that
it's an unstable environment,

and there's no evidence
that your ex-wife is unfit.

Therefore, we are adjourned.

Thank you, your honor.

Yes.

Thank you, Alan.

Will it go straight
to the supreme court?

Well, no. You'd have to
lose at the appeals court.

Then you'd have to lose again
with the s.j.c.

But not to worry. Jerry's
closing will get the job done.

Mr. Foreman, you have
reached a unanimous verdict?

- We have, your honor.
- What say you?

"In the matter"of the commonwealth
of Massachusetts vs. Denny Crane

"on the charge of carrying
a concealed firearm without a permit,

we the jury find the defendant,
Denny Crane,

not guilty."

We won?

- What?!
- Your honor, we appeal.

You can't appeal an acquittal.

You're the defendant.

This isn't right.

What happened?

Sorry, Denny.

Guess you can't lose 'em all.

I can't lose any.

You really had your hopes up.

Well, it's one thing to be an icon...

but to be a cause c�l�bre...

a martyr even...

the idea of famous Hollywood people
wearing a button...

"free Denny"...

I don't think Hollywood types
wear buttons for gun nuts.

You actually think
I'm a nut to carry a gun?

To carry five all at once?

Yes, Denny. That raises you
to lunatic status.

Oh, and you would never own one.

I didn't say that.

You're afraid to even
hold one, you girl, you.

I have one, in a safe at home.

A.38.

- You have a.38?
- Yes.

I see nothing wrong with that.

I see a lot wrong with assault weapons

and people walking around
like you, with guns.

Have you ever shot it?

Just target practice.

I can't fathom a liberal
like you owning a gun.

That's one of the problems
in this country.

We have two camps... those that
like guns and those that don't.

Why can't there be a middle?

Why can't we say okay to guns
and okay to gun legislation?

Why does it make someone
a pinko-liberal-girl

if he supports background checks
and bans on assault weapons?

That's a sexist remark.
You realize that?

What?

"A pinko-liberal-girl."

Girls can like guns.

Never mind.

Just let me drink.

Fine.

I am sexist.

When I see a woman,
my first thoughts are sexual.

It's not that I don't
respect her intelligence,

it's not that I wouldn't want
a woman to be president,

I'll even admit to the possibility

that women are emotionally
and intellectually superior to men,

but I cannot deny,
there's a part of me that...

sees a woman as this big,
human mitten,

perfectly designed to keep my cockles
warm on a cold, winter's night.

Oh, Alan. It's cultural.

It's biological. And...

it's fun.

There are many ways
men go dead as they age.

One way, they start incorporating
all thlearned,

politically correct behavior
and thoughts into who they are,

and in the process,
deny what they are.

What are we?

Animals.

Today's evolved men
talk to each other about

politics and kids and education.

They talk about anything
and everything,

and yet are profoundly lonely. Why?

'Cause they're ashamed
to share their most base instinct.

You and I are not like that.

When we're 90,
wll be sitting on a park bench,

a pretty girl will go by,

and we'll say,
"look at the rack on that one."

You and I will never, ever be lonely.

And if the girl has a boyfriend
who comes to confiscate our walkers?

I've got my gun.

I feel better.

You should.

Alan...

you listen to Denny now.

Yes.