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You know those
teen vampire movies

that feel like the horny
soap opera fever dreams

of a sentient
eight-grade diary?

Here's how this one ended.

Here's how mine began.

Thank you for this.
Thank you.

I love you.

I love you too.

What about sunlight?

No,
it will make you sick

and it's blinding,
but it won't hurt you.

- Uh, garlic?
- No.

- Uh, crosses?
- No!

No, not sticks,
nor holy water,

or anything like that
can hurt you.

The only thing
we need to worry about...

Is me.

Duke, don't!

Hold her down.

You poor thing!

I bet you thought
you were the hero

of your own little movie.

Finally, you've been bitten
by the radioactive spider

confirming what you've
always suspected.

That you are, in fact,

a special center
of the universe.

I love him!

No!

But you're not special,

and life isn't
a fucking movie.

Except sometimes you do meet
the bad guys.

You're going to
kill me now, too?

Why would I do that?

You messed up is all.

And for a good reason.

Love.

The heart wants
what it wants, right?

One year in the hole.

I'm sorry, but you got to
learn to respect the rules.

No fucking boys.

All right, everybody,

put your hands together
for the graduating class

of Central Oregon High!

You don't think they're
gonna fuck right here, do you?

God, I hope so.

Why do we even come
to these things?

We don't.

She better come up
for air.

There it is.

I wish somebody would burp
in my face like that.

Same.

Fucking same.

♪ Graduation, whoo! ♪

Uh-huh.

Uh, look, I got something
I wanna tell you.

Is that okay?

- Yeah.
- Okay, okay.

Um...

I just wanna say...

I wanna say,

"Hey, what you've done
is just so cool."

- So cool, you know?
- Uh-huh.

Like, seriously, I just...

I want to let you to know
that I really admire you.

- It's so cool.
- Thanks.

Okay, thank you for that.

Hey, Laurel, come
check this out real quick.

Yeah, no problem.

Hey, can, can I...

- Better keep in touch when you're down there.
- I will.

You're gonna go down there

and meet all these
interesting people

and you're gonna forget
all about me.

And I'm gonna have to live
vicariously through your snaps.

I'm only gonna be gone
a couple months.

You're never coming back here.

That's what happens.

Friends you make
in high school

are just the people
you're stuck with.

They're friends
by forced proximity.

You're ridiculous,
you know that?

You can come visit me.

Well, maybe I will.

Give Mark my love.

Feel free to send me pics

if you should maybe happen
to catch him in his underwear.

Ew! That's my brother.

It's what keeps us apart.

Whatever.

Just don't drift away.

I won't.

I need you, kid.

Oh, get off of me.

- Is that everything?
- Yup.

Okay. Watch your gages now.

Lots of cars overheat
on those roads coming into LA.

I know.

All right, I put a couple of
jugs of water in the back.

Just in case. You're welcome.

Thank you.

Come on, she's going away
for the summer,

she's not moving to Japan.

I know. I know.

Remember, be safe.

- If you feel tired, pull over and rest.
- I will.

Yes, but keep those
goddamn doors locked.

Oh, my God, guys.
I'm gonna be fine.

I want you to call me
every time you stop.

And if you forget,
I'm buying a ticket

and coming down there
to kill you.

- I know.
- Don't ignore your mom.

I won't.

- She'll do it.
- I know she will.

And for Pete's sake,
don't spend your time

hovered over your computer

or your phone
like you do here, all right?

You're 18. Go and get in
some trouble.

- Bill?
- What?

You know what I mean.

Your father and I
want to tell you

we know it's been a hard year,
few years, but

we're so proud of you.
Right, Bill?

Thanks.

Really, we mean it.

- Go have fun. Be safe.
- I will.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Okay.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

- Be safe.
- I will.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

Bye!

Well, she's gone.

Should we go have sex?

Where you at now?

Um, something like,
Pencildicktown.

I think it's like Bakersfield,
or some shit.

I don't know.

Did you hear?
Candice is crackhead.

What the fuck?

Can you believe
that shit?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, Andy,
I'm gonna call you back.

I'm gonna need a greasy-ass cheeseburger
and I'm gonna stuff it in my face.

Wake up, nerd.

You scared me, jerk.

How was the drive?

The first six hours were great.

Yeah.

I feel like shit, though.

Like I stepped out of
an elephant's mouth.

I've only been asleep
for three hours?

Plenty of time.

Just
a little bit more, please.

- No!
- Please.

No, we got places to go.

So, get fancy, all right?

And call Mom. She's pissed.

Of course she is.

Bathroom. Kitchen. My room.

Yeah, make yourself at home.

Where are we going?

Yago, Death Valley Girls.

Fuck, yes.

Wait, one problem.
What's your ID sitch?

- Works fine now.
- Okay, cool.

If not, we'll send your ass back,
but I think we'll be golden.

I'll stab the doorman
if I have to.

I got some friends
I think are coming.

They're not gonna be all
patronizing, are they?

'Cause I'm really
not in the mood.

People aren't like that here,
as much.

Right, so listen,

I know Mom sent you down
with some money,

and you saved up
a little yourself...

And I know she gave you some
for me to stay here.

But I think
you should look for a job.

I mean, I know
you're on vacation

before you decide to do

whatever it is you gonna do
with your life,

but I think you're gonna
wanna stay here.

With you?

Yeah. Why not?

I mean, you'd
move out eventually, I hope.

Or go to college, I guess.

All right, take a shower,
go get ready.

Whatever you gotta do,
chop-chop.

Let's go.

Yo, hurry up.

They're gonna be here
any minute.

All right, just a sec.

Okay.

Yeah, uh, this is
out of state, so...

- Sorry.
- What's the hold up?

Uh, they were just, uh...

Looks fine to me.

Looks fine to me.

Next, guys.

Thank you. Okay.

♪ If you're a man
I'm a man ♪

♪ Too, ooh ♪

♪ If you're a man
I'm twice the man as you ♪

Hey, I'm gonna grab something
to drink. You want something?

- Yeah, sure.
- All right.

♪ If you're a man
I'm a man ♪

♪ Too, ooh ♪

♪ If you're a man
I'm twice a man as you ♪

Hey!

- What the fuck is your problem?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, come on! Come on, man!

- You're out of here.
- Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, fucking dick.

Where are your friends at?

Oh, they canceled.

It's something you got to get
used to around here.

People flaking out on plans.

- I'll be right back.
- All right...

Hi, um,
rum and Coke, please.

Hey, is this your first time
seeing the Death Valley Girls?

Thanks.

Hi.

Hey.

What's with the hamburger
and shoestring?

Uh, it's a conversation starter.

I like that, clever.

I thought so.

- What's your name?
- Laurel.

- Izzy.
- Nice to meet you, Izzy.

You're not from here, are you?

- How can you tell?
- I just can.

That's depressing.

No, no. It's just
you're so enthusiastic.

People live here long enough
and they get all self-conscious

and jaded, it's so whack.

This is actually
my first night here.

- At the Yago?
- In LA.

Oh, where are you from?

- Oregon.
- You just moved here?

No. Well...

Maybe. I'm staying
with my brother.

He's over there.

Oh! Cool!

Yeah, and, um...

Tell your friend thanks,
by the way,

for throwing her weight around
back there.

Oh, Duke.

She seems intense.

She is.

Hey, we're going to

an afterhours party
in downtown,

if you want to come.

Oh, um...

You don't have to
if you don't feel comfortable.

No, uh, I'd love to.

K.

- K?
- Yeah.

Is that something
people say here?

Nah, just me and my friends.

Oh, well... K.

Hmm.

- Don't go.
- Let go of me.

Let go!

Hey, I'm gonna
talk to them,

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

I'll just be a second.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

Uh, what is this place?

Well, it used to be
a jewelry manufacturer.

Then it became a place for bands
to rent out for rehearsal space.

And now, it's our secret
party palace.

- Who owns it?
- We do.

- Crazy.
- Can I show you the best part?

Sure.

Ten goes straight to hustle.

Yeah, no kidding.

You got reamed.

All right, let's see it.

Come on, them's the rules, kid.

- Kid?
- Son.

Fine, fine.
Better give the lady what she wants.

Not bad.

Come on, don't act
like you're not impressed.

You got enough blood in you
to work that thing?

What?

If I take you upstairs,
you're not gonna get all

stage frighty on me, are you?

No, uh, I... I don't think so.

No, no. Definitely not.

All right. Let's go.

You can come too.

Everyone out by 4:00.

Boo.

Is it corny that I'm looking
for the Hollywood sign?

No.

But you can't see it form here.

Feels like
I'm in a fricking movie.

You guys live here?

Sometimes.

Okay, so are you all like
bank robbers or something?

I don't mean
to be rude, but like,

how do you afford this?
Who are you?

We're supervillains.

You meant like
an app or something?

No.

What do you do?

Sorry, is that rude?

No, it's cool.

I direct music videos.

Oh!

Anything I've seen?

Uh, lots of Bay Area hip-hop.

Like underground stuff.

How did you get into that?

Well, I liked photography
in high school

and then I was lucky enough
to get my hands on a camera,

so I started filming my
friends skateboarding and shit.

Editing that with some music,
and I put it online

and it took off from there.

That's so cool.

Uh, um...

I keep saying cool,
like a jackass.

Uh, but it is, like,
really cool and interesting.

I wish I was that accomplished.

It is cool, I guess.
What do you wanna do?

- With, like, my life?
- Yeah.

I have no idea.

What do you love?

I don't know.

Every time I feel like
I get into something,

it's really easy for me
to lose interest.

Like, what's the point,
you know?

Mmm-hmm.

Like, a complete
anhedonia sometimes.

Whoo! Dropping expensive words
on me.

No, but I get
what you mean though.

I think I'd like to work
with people in some way, though.

Like a social worker?

Maybe more just helping people
through tough shit.

Whatever job that is.

So, why are you sitting
so far away?

I didn't want
to just show you the roof.

I hope that's not a bad thing.

No, um...

No, I guess I'm just nervous.

Too nervous to
scoot over here a little bit?

No.

Shit.

What a shame.
I thought you'd be ready.

I, uh...

I guess you're just
gonna have to watch first.

What the fuck, man?

What the fuck? Jimmy!

Jimmy! Jimmy, come on, man!

Jimmy, come on, man!

Come on! Got to wake up, dude!

Jimmy is dead as fuck, yo.

What the fuck did you just do?

I drank his blood.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Poor Jimmy.

His only mistake was
keeping shitty company.

You, on the other hand...

That thing that you did.

The thing that you hoped that
no one would find about,

the thing you thought
you got away with,

it's precisely why you're here.

What?

Do you want me
to say her name?

How do you know that?

My super sexy
vampire power, silly.

It's Claire, by the way.

Unless you thought
it was a lucky guess.

What the hell is going on?

You know, I really wouldn't
sweat the details, Todd.

So right now you got exactly
the length of this cigarette

to come to terms with the fact
that for once in your life,

it's just not gonna
work out for you.

Not a lot of stars.

That's the one good thing
about where I come from.

You can see the whole damn
Milky Way at night.

You hungry at all?

My first night in LA,

and it's already
the best night of my life.

I'm not trying to be weird.

God, I hope that didn't sound
too dramatic.

No.

But if we can make it
more special,

if you had one night here,
one night only,

what else would you wanna do?

Probably wanna see
the sunrise at the ocean.

The sun sets in the west.
It doesn't rise.

- Fuck.
- But we can still go.

So, not to sound all emo,

but can I see you again?

I think this is more just
like a one-night thing.

Oh...

- I'm sorry.
- No, no. Um...

It has nothing to do with you.

It's fine.
You don't have to explain yourself.

It's not the first time...

...you know...

That's enough.

I like this one.

She reminds me
of somebody I used to know.

In case
you haven't figured it out...

Shoveled a lot of shit
in your life, haven't you?

How would you like to hold the
keys to the kingdom for a change?

Do you know
what it is I'm asking?

Duke, are you sure?

Why don't we give you
some time to think about it?

If you survive.

Shit.

Laurel, where the fuck
have you been?

I've been calling you all night.

And you still
haven't called Mom by the...

Jesus fucking Christ,
what happened?

Nothing.

- Did somebody do this to you?
- No.

- Laurel.
- I'm fine.

- It's just, stupid...
- What?

- I fell.
- What?

I was drunk
and I didn't sleep enough

and I fell.

I woke up, everyone was gone.

- You fell?
- I fell, Mark.

Wait, your friends
just up and bailed on you?

I guess.

Probably didn't know what to do

and booked it.

Why the fuck didn't you call me?

Because I smashed my phone.

Well, that's fucking great.

Please don't tell Mom.

Hey, do I need to take you
to the hospital?

Mmm-mmm. I just need to rest.

You wanna take my bed?

No, I'm just

gonna pass out right here,
if that's all right.

Could you close
the blinds though?

It's fucking bright in here.

Hey, you gotta do me
a favor, though.

Call Mom.

Tell her you dropped your phone
in the toilet or something.

- Okay?
- Mmm-hmm.

- What time is it?
- 7:00.

Oh.

It feels like
I've been asleep forever.

It's Sunday.

Holy shit.

You hungry?

Not really.

You should
eat something anyway.

You know what? I'm okay.

Just eat it.

Whoa! Hey!

Lolo, you okay in there?

What's going on with you?

Jesus.

You sure you don't need
to go to the hospital?

No. I'm fine.

- Laurel.
- I'm fine!

Okay.

Ah.

Fuck.

Hi, can I help you guys
with something?

Is Laurel home?

It's a bit late.

Is it?

Are you gonna
let us in or what?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, kid.

- Nice boxers.
- Yeah, thanks.

How are you feeling?

I'm fine.

You were supposed to
meet us, remember?

Yeah, sorry about that.

Sorry about the other night.

I'm glad you're okay.

Whoa, whoa, wait.

Are these the fucking assholes
who ditched you?

No, they're not.

Thought we'd stop by
and see if you're still down.

Glad we found the place.
You weren't answering your phone.

Okay, why's everyone
talking so cryptically?

And why's she sorry
about the other night?

Mark, can you just...

Can you just go
put on some pants?

He's fine the way he is.

Oh, how fucking rude of me

to be in my living room
in boxers

at, the middle
of the fucking night?

Mark!

Okay.

Yeah, just, um...

Just give me a second
to get ready.

Okay.

- So, are you guys like...
- Vampires?

Yup.

Am I a vampire now?

Do you wanna be?

I don't know.

Can vampires get drunk?

Bitch, you can get
as lit as you want.

Were you gonna kill me?

Does that scare you?

Not really.

Why not?

My life's already kind of
been like a horror movie.

Most of it. So...

Fuck it.

Careful, that's the last one.

What is it?

The cure.

If you take it
before you feed,

you'll turn back
into your old self.

Now would be the time
for any questions.

Do you guys kill people?

Indiscriminately.

Innocent people?

Say it's like 80/20.

You know, we try
to target the trolls,

the privileged and their
apathetic trust fund kids,

but we're not a movement.

We're a terrorist
organization, at best.

So, you were gonna kill me.

Yes.

Why?

People you're attracted to
taste better.

I don't wanna kill people.

Too bad.

Knock it off.

The world's a meatgrinder, kid.

Especially if you're a woman.

I don't think you need a Power Point
presentation to know that one's true.

We're politically, socially,
and mythologically fucked.

Our roles are secondary.

Our body's suspect,
alien, other.

We're made to be monsters,
so let's be monsters.

Let's be gods.

What we offer here is not
the chance to join a group,

but the chance to
truly be an individual.

That's the pitch.

What about my family?

What about them?

Izzy directs music videos and
visits her brother all the time.

Frog does tattoos out of her
dad's shop in Eagle Rock.

And Roya...

has a cat.

Mister Kitty.

We stick together
because we want to.

Because it's safer.

But you can do
whatever you want,

just don't break the rules.

All right, what are the rules?

Glad you asked.

The first rule of Bite Club...

Bite Club?

Juggalos was taken.

We don't actually have a name.

I just... I was trying
to sound cool.

What about Bit Girls?

Nah, sounds like we're
part of STEM or something.

Anyway...

Rule number one,

you never glamour
another vampire.

Okay? You never
invade their minds

to affect their decisions.

Rule number two.

You kill what you eat.

Otherwise it turns,

and we're not ready for
that kind of expansion yet.

All potential recruits are decided by
me, and me alone,

but we all have veto power.

Which brings me to our final,
and most important rule.

You never, ever, turn a man.

It's off limits.

Men can't handle power.

They have it already and look
at what they've done with it.

What about me?

Never crossed my mind.

So, what do you say, ladies?

All those in favor of Laurel
joining the V-Squad.

Yup.

Yeah.

All right.

K.

This is Jacob.

When Jacob isn't listening
to Joe Rogan

prat along about ayahuasca,
he's on Twitter

under the user name,
shitlordshaman89

where he tells young women

they deserve to be
raped to death.

He also spends his time
growing conspiracy molds

about the deep state and the
vile petri dish of subreddits

with other
like-minded fucksticks.

However,
one of these conspiracies

involves the idea
that there's a secret cabal

of female vampires
that stalk Los Angeles.

Broken clocks, am I right?

So, Jacob and his buddies,

they get together
and they share stories

and they fancy themselves
vampire hunters.

Don't you, Jacob?

Don't you, Jacob?

Luckily for us,
Jacob is also on Tinder

where he goes by his full
name, Jacob Oflinger,

and, yes, he's posing
with a fish he caught.

He describes himself as
old-fashioned and a bit fashy.

All it took Frog was a few
choice photos to lure him out

of whatever baby cave
he was holed up in.

Crunch time, kid.

This is the part
where you take the red pill

and kick it in wonderland,

or go back home to Kansas.

That's it.

You're nothing but a cat
with its prey.

Do it!

I'm sorry. I can't.

I can't do it.

No. You just need more time.

Duke, what are you doing?
Let go of me.

- Duke!
- Let go!

- She's made up her mind.
- I know what I'm doing.

Let me go! Help!

- Let her go.
- Help me! Help!

Help!

What do we do now?

- Nothing.
- What?

We let her go.

She'll learn. She'll feed.

As for you...

What's so fucking funny?

We got you bitches in hell.

What are you doing, man?
Fucking waste 'em.

Yeah, hurry the fuck up!

Come on.

Ahhh!

Not so fucking fast.

You'll put...

the flamethrower...

down.

Your mental bullshit

ain't gonna work on me,
snowflake.

I'm linked to the master.

I want the code...

to the vault.

Go fuck yourself.

Ahhh!

Smoke me, motherfucker!
I'm not giving you shit.

You don't understand.

He promised me.

He promised.

So, if you want
your little friend to live

you will release him!

I will never release him.

I could give two shits
and a fuck what you'll do.

Even if I did,

he wouldn't give you what
you wanted anyway.

Release him! God damn it!

Or else I'll barbeque
all of you.

- Do it.
- Release him now.

Argh!

I'd ask how you were doing,
but...

frankly, you seem
to be doing pretty well.

All things considered.

How is she?

Frog?

She'll live.

You?

Did you come up here
to give me a speech?

Don't flatter yourself.

This is my thinking roof.

What was all that?

Maybe not right now, all right?

No, fuck that.
I wanna know everything.

You owe me that.

I guess I do.

Part of the reason we stick
together is because we have to.

Those two young guys...

were vampire hunters.

That old man...

he was a Familiar.

Something that vampires
used to have.

Well...

one vampire used to have.

Someone to do
his dirty laundry.

Literally,

his dirty laundry,

file his taxes, whatever.

In exchange for the promise that
one day he would turn them.

But he would never turn them.

Who was he?

Vlad...

Manfred...

Castaneda.

The Master.

And?

I'm getting there.

In this world, it takes
a tremendous...

amount of guts,

for some people to merely exist.

Much less,
be who they truly are.

And back when I was a little
bit younger than you are now...

to be who I wanted to be,
I had to run away from home.

I won't bother you with
what fucking farm I came from.

But when I was 15...

I knew exactly where
I had to get to.

New York City.

But this was New York
in the '70s.

A shithole.

And I didn't have a dime
to my name or a pot to piss in.

But I didn't care.

Because I was free.

So I did what I had to do.

Whatever I had to do.

And I fought...

and I scraped.

And I learned how to survive.

Until finally...

I learned how to thrive.

I'd found my home.

And I'd even found my people.

I was exactly who I
wanted to be.

And nobody...

I mean nobody...

was ever going to take
that away from me.

And that's when I met him.

He was beautiful.

Magnificent.

Like an archangel.

I was mesmerized.

But I knew that
couldn't be right.

I mean, I'm a full-blown,
fucking dyke.

And here I was
drooling over this...

man.

I couldn't help myself.

Because I wasn't really me.

I was a slave.

I was one of his brides.

There to serve
his every depravity.

And it was like that...

for decades.

It was like being trapped
inside myself.

I was aware of who I was,
who I used to be.

But I could do nothing
about it.

He could shapeshift.

Turn to mist.

I don't know exactly,
how old he was.

But we're talking centuries.

And when you live that long,
the days turn to hours.

Decades in to evenings.

When you can never OD.

When you can never...

be hungover or get sick.

The only thing you can
become addicted to...

is the lifestyle.

He started losing his grip.

And that's when I took my shot.

She was the first bride.

The oldest and strongest of us.

He'd saved her from some
14th century mud hut

where her dad and uncles
fucked the goat

when they were too drunk
to bother with her.

But she truly loved him.

But she knew I was right.

His heart refused to burn...

so I locked it away.

And consume him...

piece by piece.

Why do you do that?

Because it gives me
a taste of his power.

It makes him my fucking slave.

So, why not just eat the heart?

I can't.

Whenever I take from him I can
feel him kicking around in my head.

I'm afraid of what will happen
if I take too much.

So that's why we never glamour
another vampire.

And why no man will ever be
a vampire again.

Make no mistake,

given enough time
and the chance,

they would all do what he did.

If they had the power to.

If they knew they wouldn't
be held accountable.

Tell me I'm wrong.

I don't know that I can.

I picture a world where
every woman is a vampire.

Let men be the ones who are
afraid to fucking jog at night.

Hey.

Wanna see something cool?

I don't know how much more
I can take tonight.

No.

This you'll like.

This everyone likes.

Take my hand.

Okay.

Think happy thoughts.

Oh, shit.

Trust me.

Focus on your stomach
and try to pull me in to you.

- Whoa, slow down.
- I can't.

Holy shit, I can fucking fly.

You now know kung fu too.

- Really?
- No.

This is fucking amazing!

All right, all right, Jesus.

You know what? Let's get out of the sky before
someone sees us and we end up on the news.

I have to ask you
something else first.

Shoot.

It's about the first bride.

What about her?

That usually doesn't happen
so fast.

I cannot fucking believe it.

I'm a goddamn vampire!

I know,

but we can't stay here
much longer.

- We must leave here now.
- Oh, okay.

Thank you, for this.

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you too.

Duke, no.

This is the hole.

This is where you go
if you break the rules.

Which one did she break?

The important one.

So, how was she...

The only thing that can kill
a vampire...

is fire.

And you have to burn the heart.

How long is she
going to be down there?

As long as it takes.

And she's all alone?

Can you imagine?

No.

Good.

So don't fuck up.

So, uh...

you...

trying to go home tonight?

What's with you?

Are you kidding?

It's too easy.

So?

So that's the problem.

It's not me.

Um...

I don't think it is.

I don't know. How do you do it?

I just do.

I mean, you were going
to do it to me.

Glad I didn't.

I'm serious.

You're still hung up
on that shit?

You know...

Maybe, I don't want
it to be easy.

Were you given a choice?

Yeah.

Why did you do it?

You don't know?

Agency, I guess?

Kicks? I mean,
I don't really think about it.

That's the other thing.

I get we don't age,
that we stay the same, but...

what if people start
asking questions?

Yeah, I mean,
you got a few years.

People just think
you're aging well.

Christ, I'm going to be
18 forever.

There are worse fates,
than eternal youth and glamour.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that's why
Frog signed up in the first place.

Just think on it like this,

if science and medicine
keep progressing,

the logical endgame wouldn't
just be to just prolong life

but to stop death
and preserve youth, so...

we leapfrogged ahead.

Lolo, where are you?

You're ignoring me,
you're ignoring Mom.

I'm getting calls from Andy 'cause
you won't answer his calls either.

Call me back.

Yes, Mom.

I'm fine, I'm having fun.

- Well... Bill, say hi to your daughter.
- Hi, honey.

Hi, Daddy.

You sound so tired.

I am.

Is your brother
being nice to you?

Yes, Mom.

We don't have anything to worry
about, do we?

No.

I know.

Yes.

Hold on a second,
let me grab something.

Honey, what's up?

Nothing.

You promise?

Yes. I just...

I haven't gotten a lot of sleep

the past couple of nights
and I...

guess it's caught up to me.

Look, we know you're
experimenting and all and

we did the same thing
when we were your age, but

you're staying away from
the hard drugs, right?

Yes, Mom.

And you're not drinking
and driving?

No, Mom.

You can tell me if something
is wrong.

You know that?

I know.

Okay.

I'll stop.

Well, I guess I'll just

let you go then.

You know you can come back
home anytime you want, right?

I know.

You can.

All right.

Love you, honey.

I love you too, Mom.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hey, you talked to Mom?

- Yeah.
- Cool.

Well, guess who I have
here for you?

It's Andy. He's been trying
to get a hold of you.

Yo, here she is.
I caught her ass.

Hey.

Hey, bitch, why have you
been ducking me?

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I really am.

It's just,
things have been really,

insane.

I don't think I would know how
to explain it, even if I could.

Just do it in person.
Did Mark tell you?

Tell me what?

I am going to come
visit you next week.

Already bought my ticket.

What?

I don't know if that's
such a good idea.

Okay.

You just...

Why not?

It's just...

I'm going through...

something.

So am I.

I'm sorry, I really am.

Fucking classic, I knew
this shit was gonna happen.

Andy, it has nothing
to do with you, I promise.

It's just...

Andy?

Boo.

Inland fucking empire.

Ew.

Of course they'd be here.

Oh, shit.

We've prepared for this, everyone stay frosty.

Right, captain fucking
20 year old.

Get the chargers
and napalm ready.

We blow these bitches to kingdom
come, if they step foot in here.

We know they aren't
impervious to bullets

and we know fire kills them.

This is our moment.

All in.

I told you, we should
get the fuck out of here.

Mind your surroundings and stand
tight now, we're safe together.

Why do they always think
we don't have weapons?

I gotta go.

- Wait, you just fucking got here.
- I know, I've got plans.

Oh... I see.

Shadows me my whole life,

steals my taste in music, worships
at my feet but now I'm the lame one.

Look...

Oh, no, it's cool, it's cool. I'd be hanging
out at spice world too, if I was you.

Hey, you sure they wouldn't wanna
just come hang out with us here?

I'm sure.

Okay, fine.

- Love you.
- Yup.

Call of Duty?

Your new digs.

Go nuts.

Thanks.

Welcome home.

What? No coffin?

Why would we do that?

Uh, 'cause it's dope.

Layman.

Honestly, I don't, I don't
think it could be described

for the layman. That was...
That was the chemistry...

Guy's an idiot.

I wouldn't call myself
a feminist.

And not because I don't agree,
of course...

I agree with feminism.

I just think that by
saying I'm a feminist

implies that I'm already there.

That I have the answers and I...
I have done all the work.

And I don't think honestly a man
can be a feminist.

Men right now, I think they need
to step out of the way.

They need to step out of the way
and they need to what?

Listen.

You know,
you gonna have to feed.

Sooner or later.

You all right?

I am fine.

I'm just, uh...

I'm waiting for my Uber.

Uh...

Hey, oh, what's your name?

Laurel.

I'm Cici.

Like two C's...

C-C together.

Yeah, I got it.

Hey, you wouldn't happen
to have a cigarette, would you?

- Oh, um...
- Um... let me.

Oh, if you would...

There we go, I got one.

- Hmm.
- Here.

Ah, thank you.

- Hello.
- Oh, huh. You're welcome.

- Um... have a good night.
- Yeah, here's your lighter back.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Help!
- Shit!

Ahhh.

- What the hell are you doing?
- What are you doing here?

Making sure you don't do
anything stupid.

- You are watching me?
- Yeah.

And good thing I was too.

I'm so profoundly bored
by your crisis of conscience.

I'm gonna need you to get
with the fucking program.

Well, you said I could
do whatever.

Not if it's going
to get you killed.

Or better yet, get us killed.

You wanna be trigger shy?

Fine.

The longer you fight the hunger,
the bigger the mistake you'll make.

Trust me.

Come on.

What's going on?

Andy tried to kill himself.

What?

He swallowed
a bottle of aspirin.

He's not dead.

His liver is fucked and he's in
intensive care, but he's gonna be fine.

He left a note, I guess.

No idea what it says, but...

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I wanted to tell you in person.

- Why didn't he...
- Call you?

Nobody's been able to get a hold
of you at all.

I think I need some help.

No.

No.

Not this time.

I can't do this anymore.

Do what anymore?

Why the fuck do you think
I moved so far away, huh?

I don't know...
To be an actor, I guess.

Which you haven't once
asked me about, by the way.

But, no, that's not it.

To get away from me?

Yes.

Why? Do I embarrass you?

No.

No, fuck you.

I was never embarrassed.

Ever!

Don't you dare try
and accuse me of that.

I always stuck by you.

Through all the fighting
and the family therapy

and every time you tried to
swallow a fucking bottle of pills.

Through every emotional
goddamn ringer.

I was always there and I
always stood up for you.

Especially to Mom and Dad.

And I'm so glad

that everything's all peachy keen
between you all now, I really am.

But I'm sick of being involved
in your drama.

My life is not
defined by you anymore.

You know when people call me, the
first thing they ask is if you're okay?

"How's Laurel? Is she okay?"

"Poor thing,
I hope she's doing better."

Nobody ever asks if I'm okay.

But guess what? I'm not,

and neither was your friend.

And maybe if you weren't out
kicking ass with the cheetah girls,

you'd have fucking noticed.

Don't you for a second
blame this on me.

I never stood in the way
of you becoming who you are.

But it turns out who you are

is a selfish bitch.

Mark.

Shit.

Fuck! Come on, Mark.

Come on.

Mark!

Mark...

Mark...

- Come on.
- Ugh.

Help me!

Help!

Help me!

You're gonna be okay.

Help!

You're gonna be fine.

Help me!

What the fuck are you guys
just looking at? Help me!

Duke!

Duke, I'm so sorry.

What have you done?

I messed up.

Is that who I think it is?

Laurel, no.

He hasn't fed yet too, please,
I just need the cure.

- Please, I'll do anything.
- The cure?

You can throw me in the hole for however long,
five years, 10 years. I don't give a fuck.

Just, please.

You mean this cure?

God, thank you.

It's an aeroplane bottle of Everclear,
with the label scratched off.

What?

There is no fucking cure.

We were just gonna kill you.

Tough titties, kid.

No.

I'm sorry, but you brought
this on yourself.

Duke, don't you fucking touch
my brother.

Laurel.

Either you kill him or I do.

What's going on?

You have about five seconds
to decide.

Okay, just... back off.

Give me some space.

Laurel.

Laurel.

Run.

Fuck.

What are you gonna do?
Kill us all?

When are you going to grow up?

Look around you.

How long are you gonna remain
a fucking teenager?

I never got to be one.

He took it from me.

Get over it.

Let's go, okay?

And what were all you ladies
bickering about?

Mark...

Laurel, huh?

Stop the car.

We're not stopping
the fucking car.

Stop the car.

Okay.

I don't know
any of you.

But I know you know who I am.

And I know what
you've been told.

How dare you sit
in judgment of me.

What was that line
from that movie?

Most people will never have
to know what they're capable of.

Once, I was benevolent.

Once, I was heroic.

Once, I was charitable.
Once, I was cruel.

Once, I was cruel

and once, I was decadent.

All these things,

I have been and more
and yet you insist

on painting me
with one single brush.

Just because I what?

Made you feel love?

Plucked you from obscurity
and gave you eternal life?

How horrible.

Rule number one.

No glamouring another vampire,
that's the way you have it, right?

Yet...

I can feel my glamour
in the air.

Did you ever tell them?

You all had no idea, did you?

Oh, it's subtle

to be sure, but it's there.

She's in your heads.

Nudging your decisions.

Using my stolen power,
to influence your lives.

It isn't true.

Hey.

Who am I to judge?

Whatever makes you attractive,
right? Well...

all that's over now.

Is that true?

Tell them.

Duke.

I did it, to make it easier
to help you.

And there we have it.

Don't be too harsh
on her though, girls.

You know...

it's been so long,
I think I need to celebrate.

A night on the town,
what do you think?

Maybe,

dress you up all nice and foxy.

Mmm.

On the other hand...

I think I'd rather
just kill you.

Who do we have here?

I suppose,
it is the new millennium.

A-ha.

Not sure you've been
paying attention, but...

Laurel.

I suppose you'll reconsider
my brother.

He'll turn cruel.

You watch and learn.

Maybe you need some time
to think about it then.

So, what do you guys say
we come up with some new rules?

So... vampires, huh?

- Yeah.
- Great.

I'm sorry.

This is so fucked.

I don't want this.

I don't wanna
even be a vampire.

Neither did I.

Life's full of shit you never think should happen.

And it does.

You should just kill me.

No.

I don't want to drink
fucking blood, Laurel.

Then, don't.

We'll figure this out,
we've got time.

What if she's right?

What if I turn... cruel?

Fuck that.

Look, just 'cause you're a dude doesn't mean
you have an excuse to become a shithead.

Control your goddamn behavior
and you'll be fine.

Or what?

Or...

else.

Mark, I'm sorry.

For everything.

We can do this together.

I've got your back, I will do
my best to never let you down.

You know, maybe we have a chance
to do something here.

Like what?

I don't know.

I picture a world where
everyone's a vampire.

'Cause then we'd all be forced to deal with
each other until we figure our shit out.

I'm fucking scared, Lolo.

It's gonna be okay.

So what do we do now?

Maybe what everyone with power
should do and never does.

Share it.

Who's next?

Well, that was fun,

I hope they make more of these
and I promise there's no way

I'd get pregnant
in the fourth one.

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