All language subtitles for 516 - My Bright Idea.eng

[Beeping]

What is that?

This is an
electronic hide-and-seek game.

The other person wears a sensor.
Closer you get, the more it beeps.

- Ah! Funsies.
- Yeah.

Mrs. Factor has an aortoenteric fistula
and needs a consult.

[Turk] Fire away.

- See her red highlights?
- Yes.

Could I pull those off
or am I so kidding myself?

- I don't have time.
- You're playing hide-and-seek.

With my nine-year-old patient, Eric.

He's been in the hospital for a month.
He deserves a little fun.

- Sorry, Turk. Sorry.
- [Beeping]

- [Rapid beeping]
- Mmm! [laughs]

How bad would she look
with red highlights?

I know. It is now my turn to hide.

- I count.
- All right.

Close a brother up.

So I like to remember
all the carpal bones in the hands

with a simple mnemonic device.

Scaphoid, lunate, triquetrum, pisiform,
trapezium, trapezoid, capitate, hamate.

Some lovers try positions
that they can't handle.

Hey.

That was not directed at you, doctor.

But you should stretch first
next time you try the Whirly Bird.

Excuse me, does anyone here
happen to have a plate of jeebies?

Because these two just gave me
a big old scoop of the heebies.

Seriously, it cannot just be me.
I want to hear from the audience.

I do. Dating in the workplace.

She's the boss. He's the pretty intern.

Tell me what's bugging you. Courage.

[Clears throat]

Well, sometimes they arrive
in the morning and they smell like sex.

Gloria, telling it like it smells.

I'm proud of you.

Barbie, who hurt you?

Is there something you want?

Actually, yes.

It is one of those rare days
where you could be of use to me.

You speak German,
I have a patient from Berlin

and I need to tell the gentleman
he has fluid in his lungs.

[Speaks German]

[Speaks German]

[Speaking German]

[Speaking German]

[Speaking German]
How are you?

- [Phone rings]
- [Gasps]

Relax, dude.
Playing electronic hide-and-seek.

Hey, baby.

Yeah, I know my shift's over, but...

No, I'm not fooling around
with J.D. I'm...

OK, cool. I'm on my way home.

All right, I just took the pregnancy
test. Just tell me when a minute's up.

I just put some pizza rolls
in the microwave oven.

The minute that bad boy dings,
we're good to go.

Oh, my God, I can't stand it!
Thirty more seconds!

OK, honey. Don't get too excited.

They have to cool off for a minute.
That cheese is like lava.

Is there a bigger idiot
than you in the entire world?

[Siren wailing]

- I'm seeking you, Turk!
- [Beeping]

[Beeps]

It's negative.

Look at me.

Hey, look at me.

It's gonna happen.

Eat your pizza rolls.
I gotta get to work.

By the way, next time,
buy a name brand pregnancy test,

- not that generic one.
- If you raised my allowance,

I wouldn't have to bargain shop
to buy pizza rolls.

Secondly, this pregnancy test works
just as well as the name brand one.

Wait a second. Results in three minutes.

[J.D.] Some things deserve
to be tossed out on their asses.

[Speaking German]

[J.D.] But the thing
you shouldn't toss out

is a pregnancy test that takes
two minutes longer than you thought.

Oh, my God, we're pregnant.

[Screaming]

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

Mr. Roberts and I just love
our above-ground pool.

In high school,
I was actually all-state swimmer.

Breaststroke-five! Maybe later.

[J.D.] Every workplace has that guy
who has to top everyone else's story.

When I was 19,
I was a world-class 110-meter hurdler.

[Janitor] I remember the nationals
like they were yesterday.

[Man] Runners, take your positions.

On your mark...

...set...

[cheering, applause]

Good race.

They offered me
a full ride at Grambling,

but I slept
with the president's daughter.

Not the college president.
The president of the United States.

But if Amy Carter asks you up
for a nightcap, you do not say no.

No. No more.

Here are some of the lies
you've told over the last five years.

You went to Harvard. You have a wife
who only has a pointer and thumb pinkie.

You have a brother-dad,
a mother-sister.

You have two kids.
Wait, one kid.

You had a baby with a Chinese local.
You're deaf-mute.

Wait. You're a world-class hurdler

and you slept with the beautiful
and irreplaceable Amy Carter.

I didn't sleep with Amy Carter.
We did everything but.

- Oh...
- I really was a world-class hurdler.

We're not buying it. Are we, gang?

- No.
- Yeah, no.

The people have spoken.
Allow me to bask in the glow.

- J.D., guess what?
- Not now, Turk, I'm glow-basking.

Dude, listen to me!

[Whooping]

Where is Carla?

She just went downstairs.
What is all the excitement?

You tell him. No, you tell him.

We're having a baby.

Red states be damned.
You're gonna make great fathers.

- What's going on?
- My turn.

- OK. Go ahead.
- Carla? Prego!

[High-pitched] Oh, my God, Turk.
Carla must be so happy.

I haven't told her. I'm gonna now.

Wait, Turk. When has
a man ever been able

to tell his wife that she's pregnant?

Allow me to paint you a picture
with my imagination brush. OK?

You two come out in the parking lot
where Carla's friends have gathered.

They're holding a banner that says,
"Carla, you're pregnant and I dove you."

Did I say "dove"? I did, Turk.

That's when I cue the bird wrangler who
releases 500 white doves into the air.

Where do they land? I don't know.
But one thing Carla knows

is that in her uterus
is a little, soft baby Turk.

Are you forgetting what happened

when you had doves
at my parents' anniversary?

This won't be indoors and there
won't be people throwing birdseed.

Why were people throwing seed?

The point is you, my friend, have
a chance to be on the greatest surprise

a husband has ever pulled for his wife,

and you get credit for it
the length of your entire marriage.

- I'm in!
- Great.

I'll tell everybody.
You find Carla. Dr. Cox...

Halt. I will be doing nothing.

Well, you at least
won't tell Carla, right?

Ever since I was blitzkrieged
by an enraged German named Otto,

a certain Dr. Barbie
no longer exists for me,

so if she was to ask me a question,

I wouldn't be able to hear
and you'd have to repeat it.

- Can you just please not tell Carla?
- Fine.

And Elliot, if you see Carla,
don't get emotional.

Oh! No problem.

Really? Baby.

[High-pitched] Oh, my God, Turk.
Carla's gonna be so happy.

The family wants me to do a hip surgery.
What are they thinking? The guy's 92.

He's their grandfather.
It's not like he's a dog

and they can go to a kennel
and pick out another one.

We just got a lot
of great new grandfathers in.

OK. Ooh! Look at this one. He's so cute!

Hey! Get out of my yard.

He's not good with people.

He's great, but we really
don't want to separate them.

I already have a grandma.

If I get one this little,
everybody's gonna think I'm gay.

Oh, look at this fellow. Come here, boy.

Got a little hard candy for you.

Come here. Yes. Good boy.

Who's a good boy? You got a candy
you can unwrap in a movie theater.

I'd name him Sebastian.

Hey, what's up with the Janitor? He
seems a little more lurky than usual.

I pissed him off earlier today.
How am I supposed to avoid him?

Put the hide-and-seek sensor on him.
That way you'll always know where he is.

It would take a very clever plan to hide
this tiny penny-like sensor on him.

Five bucks if you eat this penny.

Done... and done.

We pulled it off. See if it works.

[Beeping]

My friend, we have
just LoJacked the Janitor. Hello?

I've got a patient with osteomyelitis
who needs a bone biopsy.

Who do you use?

You've put me in an awkward spot
because I'm a healer and I want to help,

but speaking to you would acknowledge
your existence. You don't exist.

So I'm going to address the stapler.

Hi, stapler. The red is killer.

By the way, there's a Dr. Brownsfield
who is just the most wonderful bone guy.

What? What's that, stapler? Oh, no.
She... She's an actual doctor.

Neither of you are very funny.

Here are your lab results.

[High-pitched] Oh, my God, Carla.

- Elliot, what's wrong?
- Yeah, Elliot, honey. What's wrong?

Nothing,
I'm just very emotional because, um...

...Keith dumped me. I have to go.

Another one. Shoot.

Keith, I have been watching you
and you've got some potential.

You do, but can I
give you one piece of advice?

- Please.
- It is all about confidence.

Hell, be a cocky bastard.
Throw 'em a wink every once in a while.

Show me a wink. Show me the wink.
Give me the wink.

That's the guy. That's the guy
who broke our friend's heart.

- Well, hey. He's probably hurting too.
- Mmm...

Hey, baby.

Oh, no. He did not just wink at me. For
the next five minutes, I am not a nurse.

Carla, Carla. There is a better way.

I don't like it, but Jordan tells
her friends intimate details about me.

Our sex lives, parenting deficiencies.

The point is I'm sure Elliot
has told you things about Keith.

So instead of yelling at him,
why not calmly let him know

that you know things
that he thinks no one knows.

Oh, Keith, mind taking a walk with me?

Yeah.

- Is Carla gone?
- Yeah. She sure is.

- Oh, thank God.
- Say Barbie? We're even.

Oh, no.

All right. Before Carla arrives,

I want to thank you all for turning out.
Especially you, Father Rosenberg.

Incidentally, when this is over,

I'd love to get the back story
on that name of yours, OK?

- [Beeping]
- Excuse me.

[Beeping]

OK. Coming through.

Now, apparently they don't
have fetus balloons. Who knew?

What I've done
is attached string to the bellybuttons

on these baby balloons
to signify the umbilical cord.

Make sure everybody gets one.

Keith, you seem to have missed the
point here. We're not really broken up.

I can't believe you told Carla I made
out with my sister in sixth grade.

I don't understand
why you're so embarrassed.

I've met Denise. She's gorgeous.

You might not get pregnant
for a very, very, very long time.

I know it's gonna happen. You know
what I'm looking forward to the most?

What's that?

When we go to our friends and I can
tell them one-by-one, "I'm pregnant!"

I can't wait to see the look
on each one of their faces.

I think about it every day.

Anyone tries to take those moments
away from me, I'll kill them.

Me too. Just need to send a quick text.

Oh, no. We've got a glitch.

Abort the plan!
Abort the surprise!

Abort the babies!

Everybody, run!

Sorry about the whole
"abort the babies" thing.

Actually, I'm pro-choice.

[J.D.] Knowing someone's pregnant
when they don't know it

can get a bit complicated.

Let me take that from you.
You left the fridge open.

- I spilled it.
- I'll get another one.

Sorry.

What are you doing?

I may have gotten over-excited
and told her family members

- that she's pregnant.
- [Machine] You have 59 messages.

[Woman] Carla...

[Carla] The answering machine's broken.

And I don't think
we have any more wine.

Turk, can I have some of yours?

[J.D.] I felt Turk was starting
to blame me for all this.

I spilled mine too.
You know what you should do?

Ask for some of J.D.'s.

Spilled mine too.

I'm going to bed.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna tell her the truth and hope
she's so tired from being pregnant,

she doesn't have
the strength to kick my ass.

Wait, Turk. I have an idea.

You have another idea, huh? I gotta
tell you I'm done with your ideas.

And not just now, but forever.
OK? Are we clear on that?

- It's a good 'un.
- I'm listening.

We need Carla to find out she's pregnant
on her own and we need help.

- Can we count on you?
- Absolutely not.

- No way.
- Who's pregnant?

We go down, we're taking you.

- What?
- Why?

Would somebody
please tell me who's pregnant?

- Carla.
- Another kid? My God!

- How many does that make?
- This is her first one.

- If you say so, son.
- You can't blackmail us.

Really? Because I think you're both
very close to Carla, aren't you?

And yet you chose not
to tell her she was pregnant.

How would that go down for 'em?

- Unpleasantly.
- Unpleasantly.

They've got you two by the short ones.

It's true you didn't know anything,

but I'm willing to bet these guys
would swear that you did.

- Definitely.
- I'd enjoy it.

- Well played, Turkelton.
- Thank you.

OK. Listen up. Everyone in the
hospital knows Carla's pregnant.

But they don't know she doesn't know.

We need her to find out on her own
before anyone congratulates her. OK?

Here's the plan. The three of us
are gonna run interference.

Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso, I need you to get
her to take another pregnancy test.

This plan is foolproof.

That's impossible. You two are involved.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

- You go left.
- OK. That was right, buddy.

I need to come with you.

Where's Carla?

Uh, she went up
to the roof to get some air.

Oh.

- Follow her. Lock her up there.
- You got it.

[Beeping]

Hello, Janitor hiding around
the corner waiting to grab me.

How'd you know that was me?

I'm holding a GPS warning device
that goes off

whenever you come
within 100 meters of me.

It's responding
to a sensor in your stomach.

- I knew that wasn't a penny.
- You'll never get near me.

- We'll see.
- Yeah, we will see.

- We're gonna see.
- The only thing left to do? See.

- You're gonna pay.
- We'll see.

- No time.
- OK, bye.

Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso. Look who I've got.

Hey, Carla. You're glowing.

Really?

Have your breasts gotten bigger?

Whoa! Dr. Kelso, that is inappropriate.

Baby, that sounds like a compliment to
me. Maybe you're just a little hormonal.

Well done, Bob. A little direct,

but I definitely think we put
the idea of pregnancy in her head.

Is that what we were doing?
I was just making conversation.

- I have been a little moody.
- Yes, you have been.

This morning I was nauseous,

but I thought it was pizza rolls
I had for breakfast. I like them.

We can get them from now on.

Still, Turk, do you think I should
go home and take another pregnancy test?

It's your call, baby.

Hey! Somebody get me down from here!

- What's she yelling?
- I don't know.

I'll have someone
from Psych check her out.

Dr. Dorian,
I got those batteries you asked for.

[J.D.] I was anxious because it was
time to change Mr. Beeper's batteries.

All clear to the left,
all clear to the right. You can do this.

He's 100 meters away and it's gonna
take ten seconds to change batteries.

That's not even a world-record pace.

Ready... set... go!

- [Rapid beeping]
- Oof!

- Time!
- [Beeps]

Still got it.

[J.D.] As I lay there, watching
Nurse Roberts hammer-throw 23 pounds

of high-end fruit my way,
I could take solace in one thing...

[# Kutless: All of the Words]

We're having a baby!

[Whooping]

[J.D.] Carla and Turk were coming
to tell me they were pregnant

and Carla had to believe
that I was truly surprised.

I was the linchpin of our plan.

- Hey, J.D.
- [J.D.] Showtime.

- We have such big news.
- What's the scoop?

- I would have no clue what it could be.
- We're having a baby.

Give them the ten-minute
emotional roller coaster ride

that is the speech
you've practiced all afternoon.

Carla, when Turk first told me, I...

What do you mean,
when Turk first told you?

Oh, boy.

We've known for a day.

The pregnancy test
you took yesterday was positive.

Yeah. I wanted to have everybody
at the hospital gather outside

to surprise you...

- What would you have thought of doves?
- Not now.

I just wanted to do something really
memorable, you know. I messed that up.

- So everybody already knows?
- Mm-hm.

[J.D.] I witnessed one of those
moments that let me know in my heart

these two would be together forever.

Who cares?

We're having a baby.

- We're having a baby.
- Yeah, we are.

- A baby.
- Yeah.

- A little you.
- I know. With a lot of you.

It's OK.

I already know.

I'm pregnant!

[Cheering]