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Ripped by Bornholm
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- Well, if you just stay still-
- Yes, but this suit wasn�t supposed to shrink.
3
00:01:54,795 --> 00:01:56,786
- It didn�t, dear.
- Oh, yes.
4
00:01:56,863 --> 00:01:59,093
If you don�t stay away
from those gingerbread cookies,
5
00:01:59,166 --> 00:02:02,135
I�m going to have to put
a stretch band on your pants.
6
00:02:04,771 --> 00:02:07,365
Steve Heptinstall.
7
00:02:11,511 --> 00:02:16,915
- "Steve Heptinstall, Roanoke, Virginia." Did I pack his catcher�s mitt?
- Yes, dear.
8
00:02:16,983 --> 00:02:19,850
Um, ah, Claire- Claire, uh-
9
00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:25,153
- Oh. "Claire Rinfret," yes, of Paris, France. Did I-
- Yes, dear.
10
00:02:25,225 --> 00:02:27,887
- My mittens!
- They�re on the mantel where they always are.
11
00:02:27,961 --> 00:02:30,657
Ah.
12
00:02:30,730 --> 00:02:34,461
- Oh! My pipe.
- I put it in the glove compartment.
13
00:02:34,534 --> 00:02:36,593
Oh, Helen, I�m so excited.
14
00:02:36,670 --> 00:02:41,903
I can�t wait to get out there
and see all those eager faces...
15
00:02:41,975 --> 00:02:44,000
waiting for Santa
to pay �em a visit.
16
00:02:44,077 --> 00:02:48,810
- Well, just remember, dear, the world has changed.
- Not on Christmas it hasn�t.
17
00:02:48,882 --> 00:02:52,750
You read the newspapers.
You see what�s on the evening news.
18
00:02:52,819 --> 00:02:56,255
Uh, it�s a modern, sophisticated world.
19
00:02:56,323 --> 00:02:59,850
And I haven�t kept up with it?
20
00:02:59,926 --> 00:03:03,953
No, you have-
in your own way.
21
00:03:04,030 --> 00:03:06,396
It�s- It�s just that,
unfortunately,
22
00:03:06,466 --> 00:03:10,493
people think they have more important things
to believe in...
23
00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:13,061
than Christmas or Santa.
24
00:03:13,139 --> 00:03:15,437
Horsefeathers!
25
00:03:15,509 --> 00:03:19,775
In the worst of times, the children needed me-
waited up for me-
26
00:03:19,846 --> 00:03:21,837
and did I let �em down?
27
00:03:21,915 --> 00:03:27,649
- No, dear, you didn�t.
Oh, some maybe didn�t always get what they asked for, but I did the job.
28
00:03:27,721 --> 00:03:31,418
I delivered,
and with a personal touch, mind you.
29
00:03:31,491 --> 00:03:36,656
So, my philosophy is,
"The more things change-
30
00:03:36,730 --> 00:03:38,925
the more they stay the same."
31
00:03:47,474 --> 00:03:50,375
Of course there�s a Santa Claus, Bobby.
32
00:03:50,443 --> 00:03:52,536
That�s not what Jed
and Jeff said.
33
00:03:52,612 --> 00:03:56,946
- jed and Jeff Marshall are just teasing you because they�re older than you are.
- Really?
34
00:03:57,017 --> 00:03:59,008
- That�s right, Bobby.
- I don�t know.
35
00:03:59,085 --> 00:04:03,351
Nancy Benedict said it too,
and she�s the same age as me.
36
00:04:03,423 --> 00:04:08,292
- Well, I- I guess the Marshall boys must have talked to her too.
- Yeah, I guess.
37
00:04:08,361 --> 00:04:12,821
I�d keep your eyes peeled, Bobby.
You never know who you might see on Christmas Eve.
38
00:04:12,899 --> 00:04:14,924
- Okay, I will.
- Okay. Good night.
39
00:04:15,001 --> 00:04:17,333
- Good night.
- Good night. Sleep tight.
40
00:04:22,976 --> 00:04:24,967
Merry Christmas.
41
00:04:27,347 --> 00:04:33,308
Ah. This is going to be
the greatest Christmas since 1492.
42
00:04:33,386 --> 00:04:37,049
- Watch out for the 747 s.
- Ha! Yes, and come to think of it,
43
00:04:37,123 --> 00:04:39,853
1747 wasn�t a bad year either.
44
00:04:39,926 --> 00:04:45,523
Don�t go sneaking up on any airport towers like you did last year.
You scared those controllers nearly half to death.
45
00:04:45,599 --> 00:04:49,865
Yes, that I did.
They thought I was a U.F.O.-
46
00:04:49,936 --> 00:04:52,370
Unidentified Fat Object.
47
00:04:52,439 --> 00:04:54,430
Here we are.
48
00:04:54,507 --> 00:04:56,498
- Have you got your list?
- Yes, it�s there.
49
00:04:56,576 --> 00:05:00,774
- Did you check it twice?
- We�re hunky-dory, sweetie pie.
50
00:05:00,847 --> 00:05:06,080
- Have a grand old time.
- Yes, I�ll be home by noon tomorrow.
51
00:05:07,153 --> 00:05:12,181
On, Dasher. On, Dancer.
On, Prancer and Vixen.
52
00:05:12,258 --> 00:05:14,249
Now, Comet. Now, Cupid.
53
00:05:14,327 --> 00:05:16,318
- Now, Donner and Blitzen.
- Good-bye, dear.
54
00:05:16,396 --> 00:05:18,796
Good-bye.
Merry Christmas.!
55
00:05:50,697 --> 00:05:53,188
Ah.
56
00:05:58,271 --> 00:06:01,570
Hmm. Ho, ho, ho.
57
00:06:03,810 --> 00:06:06,210
Ah.
58
00:06:15,722 --> 00:06:17,781
Ho, ho, ho.
59
00:07:01,201 --> 00:07:03,192
Oh.
60
00:07:30,196 --> 00:07:33,359
Our security code is 039.
Call the police.
61
00:07:33,433 --> 00:07:38,029
- Ah!
62
00:07:42,142 --> 00:07:46,476
Intruder alert. Intruder alert.
Illegal entry. Illegal entry.
63
00:07:46,546 --> 00:07:48,878
Notify the police. Notify the police.
64
00:08:01,795 --> 00:08:05,595
No, no. Be patient.
I have presents enough for everybody.
65
00:08:06,666 --> 00:08:08,964
Come back here.
66
00:08:14,140 --> 00:08:16,631
Freeze.!
67
00:08:17,710 --> 00:08:20,201
Drop that bag
and raise those mittens.
68
00:08:42,936 --> 00:08:44,870
Take him away.
69
00:08:46,039 --> 00:08:49,099
- Okay, pal. This way.
- Oh, but Officer-
70
00:09:03,857 --> 00:09:07,554
- Hey!
- That�s a great costume.
71
00:09:07,627 --> 00:09:10,562
- Come on in.
- Hey, come and join the party.
72
00:09:22,041 --> 00:09:25,977
Come on, Bobby. It�s cold.
Let�s go inside.
73
00:09:26,045 --> 00:09:29,708
- Mom, I think you better let him go.
- Come on, Bobby.
74
00:09:44,130 --> 00:09:48,658
And, uh, tell Hazel We�ve got, uh,
three D and D�s and a B and E.
75
00:09:48,735 --> 00:09:50,726
- 1 0-4.
- Okay.
76
00:10:01,481 --> 00:10:03,779
How many houses
you hit tonight, fella?
77
00:10:03,850 --> 00:10:06,011
Well, let me think. Um,
78
00:10:06,085 --> 00:10:10,078
I�d say 40 million, so far.
79
00:10:12,025 --> 00:10:15,552
- Have we much further to go?
- In a hurry to get locked up, huh?
80
00:10:15,628 --> 00:10:19,496
Actually, I�m on a practically impossible
schedule this time.
81
00:10:19,565 --> 00:10:23,626
You see, the population�s growing so.
82
00:10:23,703 --> 00:10:27,639
Now, Mrs. Claus-
can let this coat out...
83
00:10:27,707 --> 00:10:29,868
about an inch or two every year,
84
00:10:29,943 --> 00:10:34,380
but she can�t put a stretch band
on the trousers of the world-
85
00:10:34,447 --> 00:10:37,439
if you follow me.
86
00:10:37,517 --> 00:10:40,884
Hey, no laughing in the paddy wagon.
87
00:10:40,954 --> 00:10:45,288
- Why�s that?
Because nothing funny ever happens in my paddy wagon...
88
00:10:45,358 --> 00:10:47,349
unless I say so.
89
00:10:47,427 --> 00:10:50,794
- Right, Wetherby?
- Yes, sir, Sheriff Smivey.
90
00:10:52,332 --> 00:10:54,732
Smivey?
91
00:10:54,801 --> 00:10:59,261
You wouldn�t happen to be
Horace Smivey, would you?
92
00:10:59,339 --> 00:11:02,740
- How you figure that, pops?
- You hit my house already this evening?
93
00:11:02,809 --> 00:11:06,438
Actually, your house
was going to be next.
94
00:11:06,512 --> 00:11:08,503
- Hey, uh, how about a song?
95
00:11:08,581 --> 00:11:11,675
Jingle bells .
Jingle bells, jingle all the way..
96
00:11:11,751 --> 00:11:16,688
Knock it off. Make a left.
I�m sick of the Christmas decorations on Main Street.
97
00:11:16,756 --> 00:11:19,554
- Yes, sir.
- Where is your holiday spirit?
98
00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:24,562
Oh, it�s right up there with armed robbery,
vagrancy and drunk driving,
99
00:11:24,630 --> 00:11:30,227
which all seem to gather in a group and celebrate
right about December and January...
100
00:11:30,303 --> 00:11:32,567
each and every year.
101
00:11:32,638 --> 00:11:35,766
- Sounds fairly awful.
- You got that right.
102
00:11:36,843 --> 00:11:38,936
How long have you felt this way?
103
00:11:39,012 --> 00:11:42,914
- You know what you�re reminding me of?
- Oh, what�s that, Horace?
104
00:11:42,982 --> 00:11:45,416
How much I hate talking to prisoners.
105
00:11:49,088 --> 00:11:53,024
- Robert Mynes, you listen to me right now.
- But Mom, it was Santa Claus.
106
00:11:53,092 --> 00:11:58,621
Every holiday season, a few very sad people rob those
who are more fortunate than they are.
107
00:11:58,698 --> 00:12:00,757
But he wasn�t robbing, Mom.
He was giving.
108
00:12:00,833 --> 00:12:06,294
- Bobby.
- He was. You and Dad just arrested Santa Claus like some kinda terrorist.
109
00:12:06,372 --> 00:12:11,639
- Listen. Aren�t those sleigh bells I hear?
- I don�t hear anything.
110
00:12:12,712 --> 00:12:16,079
- Quick, get into bed. Santa�s coming!
- But he�s already been here!
111
00:12:16,149 --> 00:12:21,519
But this time he�s here just for you.
Now, you be very quiet, and if you�re lucky, you may get to see him.
112
00:12:21,587 --> 00:12:23,987
- Good night.
- Good night.
113
00:12:26,592 --> 00:12:28,583
No one listens to an eight-year-old.
114
00:12:55,922 --> 00:12:57,913
Rudolph.
115
00:12:57,990 --> 00:12:59,981
Left profile.
116
00:13:03,329 --> 00:13:08,062
Five gold rings .
117
00:13:08,134 --> 00:13:13,037
Big finish. Big finish.
Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves ..
118
00:13:13,106 --> 00:13:16,667
For cryin� out loud, wetherby, what�s goin� on here?
I haven�t got all night.
119
00:13:16,742 --> 00:13:20,576
Uh, sir, excuse me.
Are you serious about arresting these guys?
120
00:13:20,646 --> 00:13:23,479
- You bet your boots I am.
- But, sir, it�s Christmas.
121
00:13:23,549 --> 00:13:26,313
Take �em away.
122
00:13:29,722 --> 00:13:31,713
- All right.
- Next.
123
00:13:33,593 --> 00:13:37,962
Excuse me. I�d like a word with you
about your Christmas spirit, Horace.
124
00:13:38,030 --> 00:13:40,498
Save it for the judge.
125
00:13:40,566 --> 00:13:42,727
Right thumb please.
126
00:13:42,802 --> 00:13:47,830
- Will you be spending Christmas Eve with your family, Horace?
- Oh, the sheriff� s not married.
127
00:13:48,908 --> 00:13:52,935
- Well, what about with some friends?
- Well, he doesn�t have any except me.
128
00:13:53,946 --> 00:13:57,746
Didn�t your family
ever celebrate Christmas, Horace?
129
00:13:57,817 --> 00:14:03,778
- Oh, see, the sheriff doesn�t have a family. He was brought up in an orphanage.
- Writing my biography, Wetherby?
130
00:14:03,856 --> 00:14:07,986
- No sir.
- Something else you want to say, Wetherby?
131
00:14:09,061 --> 00:14:11,621
- No, sir.
- Good. Let�s keep it that way.
132
00:14:11,697 --> 00:14:14,393
- Yes, sir.
- All right. Let�s go. Let�s go!
133
00:14:16,369 --> 00:14:18,360
Sorry, sir.
134
00:14:32,919 --> 00:14:34,910
What�s goin� on around here?
135
00:14:40,493 --> 00:14:43,553
Who are these poor fellows, Sheriff?
136
00:14:43,629 --> 00:14:47,793
Well, let�s see.
This one is from the old folks� home.
137
00:14:47,867 --> 00:14:51,769
And this Santa
got drunk and passed out at the shelter...
138
00:14:51,837 --> 00:14:54,567
before he could
hand out the presents.
139
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,541
And this miserable geezer...
140
00:14:57,610 --> 00:15:01,444
got caught stealing Christmas tree ornaments
from the department store...
141
00:15:01,514 --> 00:15:04,813
where he�d been working
the past week as Santa Claus.
142
00:15:06,819 --> 00:15:10,846
Usually, the first time
a child believes in something...
143
00:15:10,923 --> 00:15:13,221
other than his own mother and father...
144
00:15:13,292 --> 00:15:19,197
is when he puts his trust in bearded,
overstuffed strangers.
145
00:15:19,265 --> 00:15:25,170
A-A-And the funny thing is
that these men who dress up as Santa...
146
00:15:26,172 --> 00:15:28,663
usually have no children of their own.
147
00:15:29,742 --> 00:15:33,303
And the sadness
of Christmas ending...
148
00:15:33,379 --> 00:15:36,871
has delivered them, each one,
149
00:15:36,949 --> 00:15:41,215
to this unfortunate place.
150
00:15:42,788 --> 00:15:45,689
And people believe in them, Horace.
151
00:15:45,758 --> 00:15:48,022
You got that right, old-timer.
152
00:15:49,095 --> 00:15:51,859
And did I ever let you down?
153
00:15:52,932 --> 00:15:55,799
Oh, Santa was just the first
of many disappointments.
154
00:15:59,972 --> 00:16:03,965
Do you care to... tell me about it?
155
00:16:04,043 --> 00:16:07,945
I was a kid. 1933.
156
00:16:08,014 --> 00:16:12,314
I wrote Santa a long letter-
nine pages.
157
00:16:12,385 --> 00:16:15,650
Told him I was as good a boy
as I could be.
158
00:16:15,721 --> 00:16:18,781
Brushed every tooth.
Done all my chores,
159
00:16:18,858 --> 00:16:20,849
and all I ask him for...
160
00:16:20,926 --> 00:16:25,329
was one blue,
Buck Rogers toy ray gun.
161
00:16:25,398 --> 00:16:27,696
And you didn�t get it?
162
00:16:31,804 --> 00:16:36,537
Sometimes even Santa makes mistakes.
163
00:16:39,512 --> 00:16:41,673
Who do you think you�re kiddin�,
old man?
164
00:16:45,451 --> 00:16:47,385
Get in there.
165
00:17:08,441 --> 00:17:13,469
- Speak, Wetherby.
Sir, it�s about Santa Claus- uh, about the burglar we arrested.
166
00:17:13,546 --> 00:17:15,844
- What about him?
- This.
167
00:17:24,256 --> 00:17:27,885
just what this sorry old world needs-
168
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:31,225
Christmas without Santa.
169
00:17:56,322 --> 00:17:58,313
All right, you guys,
let�s go.
170
00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:20,676
Psst. Santa.
171
00:18:20,746 --> 00:18:23,044
It�s me- Bobby Mynes.
172
00:18:26,685 --> 00:18:29,586
- Bobby.
- I�m gonna get you out.
173
00:18:31,390 --> 00:18:33,858
Stand back, you guys.
174
00:18:38,764 --> 00:18:41,289
Are you sure
you had ink in the pad?
175
00:18:42,701 --> 00:18:45,761
I�ve had just about enough
from that old geezer. Come on.
176
00:19:02,021 --> 00:19:04,182
What is this?
177
00:19:05,257 --> 00:19:07,817
All right, you.
You�re comin� outta there.
178
00:19:25,411 --> 00:19:28,346
Hooray!
179
00:19:28,414 --> 00:19:30,678
Run for it!
180
00:19:38,491 --> 00:19:40,823
Get outta the way.
181
00:19:42,761 --> 00:19:44,319
Ohhh.
182
00:19:47,433 --> 00:19:49,799
You take those others.
I�ll get the sleigh.
183
00:19:58,811 --> 00:20:02,338
- Go, Santa!
- Hey, hey!
184
00:20:17,363 --> 00:20:20,389
- It�s the sheriff!.
- This is the sheriff.
185
00:20:20,466 --> 00:20:22,127
Pull that sleigh over.
186
00:20:23,369 --> 00:20:26,099
He�s gaining on us, Santa.
187
00:20:28,274 --> 00:20:29,866
Hold on, Bobby!
188
00:20:43,489 --> 00:20:47,152
- We lost him, Santa.
- Ho, ho, ho!
189
00:20:49,728 --> 00:20:51,889
Oh, no!
190
00:20:58,337 --> 00:21:02,273
Hang on to your long johns, Bobby!
191
00:22:34,833 --> 00:22:38,599
Uh, I�m sorry, sir.
My Santas seem to have gotten away.
192
00:22:38,671 --> 00:22:41,936
There�s three of them.
They were going in, like, different directi-
193
00:22:42,007 --> 00:22:45,443
Sheriff?
194
00:22:45,444 --> 00:22:55,444
Ripped by Bornholm
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