All language subtitles for a nice Scrubs - 3x06 - My Advice To You.eng

As a doctor, it's important
to know how to make small talk.

Mr. Bober, what would you
like with your turkey sandwich?

Pickles!

...Of course, it's harder if your patient suffers
from dementia and can only say one word....

And to drink?

Pickles!

And now, for a thousand dollars
and this bag of I.V. fluid,

which is guaranteed to make you feel
like you're a hundred and ninety again,

What did Peter Piper pick a peck of?

Pickles.

Oooooooh! I'm sorry, Mr. Bober!
The correct answer is _peppers_.

"Peter Piper picked a
peck of pickled _peppers_."

NEWBIE!

Did I just walk in on you
mocking an innocent patient!?

Yes....

I've never felt closer to you.

But see, this is just exactly
what's wrong with the whole system

the nursing home doctors
unload this gomer on us because

they're unable to treat him. So, we
get his temperature below a hundred,

and then turf him right back to the
good people at Next Stop, Heaven,

where, in between mounting wheelchair
productions of "Anything Goes"

and robbing the poor old bastards
blind, they bounce him right back to us!

Well, on the plus side, his temperature's
99.9, so...Sayonara, Mr. Bober!

Oh, I could just give you a
hug! Of course, I never would!

I could, but I never would,
God save me! I never would...

Eh, no biggie. 'Cause here comes my
dream girl with a smile just for me.

J.D.... You know what I love?

What?

My boyfriend Sean.

And that's when I made one of the biggest
mistakes I've made in some time....

I'm really bummed out about Elliot.
I just needed someone to talk to.

I called my brother.

Yeah, boo-frickin'-hoo.
Listen, I'm so glad you called.

You know how Mom's getting
married again for the seventh time?

Well, this is turning into
such a hassle for me....

And with that, I had reopened the door
that I had successfully closed years ago.

Yes, Dan, I got your eleven messages.
Now, because you're my brother,

I'm gonna put this
nicely: Leave me alone.

This whole Mom thing doesn't bother you?

Yes, it's killing me. So much
so that I have to go, okay?

All right, buddy. I'll see you soon.

Real soon.

Wait! Dan! Hoog!

'Sup, Dan.

Christopher! Looks like we have
the makings of a dog-pile here.

Turk, don't.

Sorry, dude. I gotta!

I miss Sean.

This long-distance thing is killing me.

Well, are you having phone-sex?

Uhhh, gross!

...Have you and Turk ever done it?

Last year, when he went home for
the holidays, I gave him a call.

You'd be surprised at how much Turk's
eleven-year-old nephew sounds like him

...and how worldly he is.

Yeah, well I'm not comfortable
doing it here, anyway.

I mean, these walls are so thin, that guy
next door listens to every single thing I say.

Yeah, I can hear you, there, breathing!

You sick bastard!

Look, you just need to find a place
where you're not so self-conscious.

Hi, Sweetie. Are you naked? ... Okay,
ummm, now imagine me taking off my shirt

and kissing down your neck and--
Can you hear me? Sean? ... Good.

Okay, now I'm at your chest and
my tongue starts-- Are you there?

Good, because now I am
licking your nipples all over.

Your nipples. ... Nipples,
Sean! I'm licking your nipples!

Look, Oliver!

I don't care how close you
are! I'll call you later!

Dude, we have to get my brother out
of here -- he's driving me crazy.

I did not -- repeat, did not --
just drop a toothbrush in the toilet.

Was it blue?

Yellow.

Oh, don't sweat it. So, Mrs.
D.'s getting remarried, huh?

To a loser! Total loser. This guy's
making me move out of Mom's attic.

Oh, the audacity.

I know. But you know what? This is gonna be
great. You know, this reminds me of the time

I came down to see you guys
when you were in med school...

Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty
chick! Remember, the one with the huge cans?

What was her name?

Amy.

Yeah! How do you
remember stuff like that?

She was my girlfriend.

Right.

You got her number?

No.

Hey! Hey! Check this out! Turk and I
have been working on our harmonizing.

A-one, a-two,
a-one, two three:

Haunting.

You've always had the talent,
little brother. You get in on this,

and we could take this on the road!

I love the theatre....

Ah! Come to papa!

Turk! Can you please not put
your skivvies in the freezer!?

I'm sick of my popsicles
tasting like fabric softener!

I like my bad boys
to stay nice and cold.

Make sure you're nice and
dry down there, otherwise

you get a tongue-on-the-flagpole
situation -- you don't want that.

Ahhhhhh!

This is a stimulating conversation.
I can't imagine why Mom's new husband

doesn't want you in the house.

Me neither! And you know what,
J.D.? I'm worried, 'cause I think

this marriage might actually stick.

...Unlike Mom and Dad, who tried
to solve everything with sex.

They did?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Matter of fact,
the only reason you were born is

'cause Mom bounced a
check at the market.

Oh, that's great! I--I guess you're
only here because Mom wrecked the car?

No, they wanted me.

Hey! My nephew just asked what you're
wearing today. How cute is that?

Not as cute as you think.

Hey.

Carla.... I've gotta scrape
some cash together to see Sean.

Okay, everyone, listen up: It came
to my attention that Dr. Brogan here

has been moonlighting over at County Medical.
Now, if he were to kill someone over there, great;

but if he were to make a mistake here because of
how tired he was from working at his other job,

then my hospital would be liable.
So, Ted, why don't you tell everyone

what my policy on moonlighting is.

No...moonlighting.

Now, Dr. Brogan will be suspended
_without pay_ for one week,

but on the plus side, he gets to run
around in my backyard wearing a foam suit

so I can see if my dog Baxter's
attack classes were worth the money!

Is my message clear?

Yeah, uh-huh.

Yes, sir.

Uh-huh.

Absolutely, sir. Absolutely.

No moonlighting, sir!

So, where do you guys moonlight?

Insurance physicals.

Free clinic.

Mammogram-mobile. Well, not officially
-- I just got the offer today

but I'd make more money than I do
now, riding around in an ambulance,

and even though I'll be handling
breasts all day, my beautiful fiancee,

who is very secure
with the--will let me--

I ride around in an ambulance.

Dan wanted to come with me to work today, but I
told him it would make me a little uncomfortable.

He was okay with it.

Now, I heard there's a bed in the on-call
room. You ever get, uh, hot & heavy in there?

Nah, usually I'm in there by myself.

So, yes.

Listen, uh, my buddy Wayne lives
a couple miles upstate, and so,

uh, he's got himself a new bumper pool
table -- I'm gonna be taking off tonight.

Oh, thank God.

Dr. Cox! You remember my brother Dan?

Whatta ya say, Coxy!

Nothing!

That's a first.

This is my boss, Dan.

You know what a boss is: For you,
that would be the seventeen-year-old

that tells you to clean out the grease-trap
after you've filled all the ketchups.

Oh, my ribs!

Uh, Dan, why don't you
go get a snack cake?

Snack cake.

Uh, Dr. Cox, Dan was wondering if
he could trail with us today....

Good God in heaven, Newbie, there are just so
very many ways for me to say this to you: Never;

not in a million years; absolutely not;
no way, Jose; no chance, Lance; niet;

negatory; mm-mm; nuh-uh; oh-oh; and of
course my own personal favorite of all time,

man falling off
of a cliff --

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!..."

Look, Dr. Cox...

..."Pff."

I just want to say, thank you.

Hold the phone. You don't
want him to come with us?

"Nooooooooo..." Heh. "Poof." Heh.

Dan? Come!

Thanks a lot, Turk! I didn't get that mammogram-mobile
job because they said you took it after all!

What!?

Yes, I took it! But, it pays better,
and we both know that this job

is about helping women detect
breast cancer, and nothing more!

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm late for work.

Well, have fun! 'Cause you'll
never see "the girls" again!

Hey, Elliot, the place where I moonlight
pays pretty well. I can call them for you.

Cool! What's the gig?

It's great. It's just emergency patch
and fix work -- it's no different

than treating a patient
at our hospital, okay?

Okay.

Oh-ho! Lookie here! Uh, tell me sir, what is it that
brings Dr. Dorian's favorite gomer back to the hospital?

Pickles.

Fair enough.

What's a gomer?

A gomer's an old person that takes up room in the
hospital and doesn't have the common decency to die.

See, now that's just
rude is what that is.

Well, I'm sorry, dude, I don't--I
don't have time for pickles right now.

I got three vegetables and a drug addict who's
gonna tell me this time things'll be different,

then try to take my watch again.

Dammit!

Can't we just, you know, put a pillow over
his head and put him out of his misery?

Not gonna be necessary, seeing as how his
temperature is below a hundred. Take him away.

So, Dr. Cox, how long has my little brother
had the desire to smother old people?

I feel I should warn Grandma.

Gonna sound a little dark, but in all fairness
you gotta deal with this place any way you can.

Dude, these are living, breathing
people we're talking about here.

I'm s--I'm s--I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, what do you do?

I tend bar.

Well, I'll tell you what, there, Dan

I'm gonna go ahead and worry
about how we do things around here.

But if I ever do need to find out
how to make a top-notch rum and coke,

well, by gum, mister, you had better be by the
phone, cause I just might give you a jingle.

Ba-ha-rrrri-hing! Hi, Dan? Coxaronie. Regarding
the rum and coke issue -- couldn't be more confused!

Okay, we have another dog coming in. Do
you want him or the four cats next door?

Oh, I'll go with the dog. I don't
know what it is, but all cats hate me.

I mean, if I even make eye
contact with them, they freak out.

Okay.

Agggghhhh! Stupid kitty!
Hey! Get off me! Stupid cats!

YOU ALL SUCK!

Hi, sir.

Well, Dan, what can I say.
It's been, uh, three days....

Two days.

Feels like three. But, uh, say hi to Wayne,
and good luck in the bumper pool tournament.

Yeah, actually, J.D., I
don't think I'm leaving.

Why!?

Well, 'cause I'm worried about
you. I mean, hanging with you today

and watching you work, with the
gomer talk and all the attitude now,

I'm not so sure I like the guy you're turning
into. It's definitely not my little brother.

You know what, Dan, once Dad left and Mom
started marrying everyone that rang the doorbell,

I remember someone saying how lucky
I was to have an older brother.

But you never came through for me once,
did you. I mean, I called you for help

because I'm in love with a girl who's in
love with someone else, and you responded

by showing up here, drinking all my
Bailey's Irish Cream, and whining about

Mom's new boyfriend. You are a self-involved
user, Dan. And you wanna tell _me_

what kind of person to be? I tell you what, instead,
why don't you just get the hell out of my life?

But we're brothers. That
counts for something, right?

Not to me.

Whenever there's an argument in my family, it's a
time-honored tradition to pretend nothing happened.

How are your chocolate chip
flapjacks, little brother?

Chocolate chippity good!

More whipped cream, Christopher?

Bring it!

I just want to say before I hit the
road, it's been great hanging with you;

and Johnny, I know I don't say
this nearly enough, but, um--

Ooh, coffee's kicking in. I'll be
back in just under four minutes.

Look, Carla, I cannot afford to be suspended
right now. I'm gonna have to resort to blackmail.

How are we gonna blackmail Kelso?

No, no, no, no, no! Unless you take the fall for both
of us, I'm telling Turk you're sleeping with someone.

Relax, Elliot. I have a secret weapon!

You saw nothing!

Hey, thanks for loaning me this shirt, man.
I got a lot of compliments from the sistas.

Sharon the security guard
even called me a cracka!

Dude, how many time I gotta
tell you? Cracker -- bad!

Besides, why aren't you at home, apologizing
to your brother before he takes off?

Turk, you don't get it, man.
Your family was there for you.

You know, I love how kids of divorce really
have the market cornered on family dysfunction.

But let me share with you a typical
Thanksgiving at the Turk household:

It starts with my mother yelling at
my sister for yelling at my grandmother

who's yelling at the television screen,
which happens to be the microwave.

And then my militant brother Jabari --
formerly Bob -- gives my father attitude

for using the word "black", even
though he's referring to the turkey.

Which, by the way, only got burnt
because instead of turning the oven off,

my bi-polar aunt Leslie
tried to shove her head in it.

But you know what we do? We kiss...and we
hug...and we apologize for all the things we said...

'Cause a month later, we gonna get
together and do it again at Christmas!

Now check the ball, cracka!

One-nothing.

You're home now.

Okay, I paged Dr. Kelso.

Do you feel confident about this, Ted?

I'm not sure. I don't know
what confidence feels like.

Good afternoon, suspendees, Ted.

Guess who's back from
the vet! One, two, three!

What a boy!

Sir, about Nurse Espinosa
and Dr. Reid's suspensions,

really there aren't any grounds
to punish them for moonlighting,

because they weren't working
with people -- just animals.

"Just animals"? Oh, please, this
dog is smarter than most people.

He's definitely smarter than _you_.

Sir, I
don't think--

Baxter, sit!

Ted, sit!

Ted, you don't have to!

Shut up! I can win this!

Baxter, speak!

Ted, speak!

Hellooooooooo!

Baxter, left foot!

Ted, left hand!

Left hand, Ted.

Hellooooooooooo!

Baxter wins! He gets
the desk. Baxter, go up!

Gah! Those are
definitely broken! Why did you do that!?

Gee, I dunno.

Who are you?

Waiting for my brother.

Hey, Dan.

Well, isn't that perfect. You send your
brother in to do the dirty work, huh?

And with an open fly, no less!

Made you look. A
two-fer! Emergency Room?

That way.

So, you...taking off?

Yeah.

Look, um, Dan...I wanna
apologize for everything I said.

For what it's worth, I
really like having you around.

No you don't.

I know. I have dreams where I
staple your fingers to your face.

But, honestly, you're my brother; you
can crash at my place as long as you like.

That's okay. I'll see you
back home at Christmas.

Why are you here.

My boyfriend is in New Zealand for
six months, and if I don't moonlight,

then I'm never gonna have
enough money to see him.

My wedding's costing twice as much as I
thought it would, and I need the extra cash.

Baxter won't get out of my chair.

Dr. Kelso, even though we're
understaffed and underpaid,

I've been working here for ten
years! I mean, all day long?

All I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla,
Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, ad lib"

Sir, what--wh--what Carla is saying,
and not in any kind of crazy or, uh,

rambling sort of way, is that we work hard here at
the hospital, but it's not the only thing in our lives.

Surely you must know what it's like to love
someone so much that you'd do anything you had to.

I'll see you two in the morning. Now get
out of my office before I change my mind.

Darling, I wanna say something. For
the past 25 years, we've been going

through the motions -- once every
couple of weeks we have sex, and then

we have breakfast without saying a word. Well,
tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress,

because I'm gonna take you to dinner and
I'm gonna start telling you all the things

I haven't taken the time to say all
these years. ... I love you, too.

That was...beautiful, sir!

Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell
her I won't be home tonight.

Hey, Dr. Cox.

Oh, here I'd been told
you left. It made me happy.

Yeah, you don't like me. People don't
like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up;

always have been. For instance, when we were
kids, Mom would always make me walk Johnny

to school first day every year. Every year,
I'd walk him to the wrong school! Just 'cause!

Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm
sure you were just a horrible big brother--

Well...

-
-but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap.

And it's okay, you don't need to be
embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time.

For instance, my father actually made
the same mistake on his death bed.

Hey, listen, No offense, I'm
a big fan of the tough-guy act,

but let me tell you what I really think. I think
you love the fact that these kids idolize you.

Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family
we knew was going someplace -- sweet kid, smart kid.

Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever
wanted; and yet, somehow, you've found a way

to beat that out of him, haven't you?
Turned him into some cynical guy who seems

to despise what he does. Dr. Cox,
Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever.

But he hangs on your every word.
So, I'm askin' -- I'm telling you --

take that responsibility seriously;
stop being such a hard-ass,

otherwise you're gonna
have to answer to me.

Love can give you strength
you never knew you had.

It was good seeing you, Dr. Cox.

Good to see you, Dan. All the best.

Love can also give you courage.

Lots of cats today! Heh!
What's wrong with this guy?

I think he's got something stuck
behind his big, sharp tooth.

As for me, it's enough just to love my brother,
even though I know he'll never come up big for me.

Well, Mr. Pickles, welcome back.

Here we go with this guy again.

Yep. Still, it sure is nice
to be doing something you love.

I wouldn't trade it. How 'bout you?

No....

Don't forget that.

Pickles.

Damn right, sir. Damn right.