All language subtitles for Zigs.2001.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TRIMARK HOME VIDEO

[CROWD TALKING]

[DISHES, SILVERWARE
CLANGING]

Man: DANNY,
THAT MEAT ORDER COME IN

THIS MORNING?

DID DAVID HERE
SIGN FOR IT?

LISTEN, MAKE JUAN HERE

FINISH PREPPING
THIS STATION,

FOR GOD'S SAKE.

COME ON, IT'S YOUR
BROTHER-IN-LAW.

WHAT, IS HE ON SIESTA?

[DOOR OPENS]

HOW YOU DOING, DARLING?

THANKS. WHAT'S WRONG?

MM-HMM.

MAUDE, HOW YOU DOING?
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

NOT A PROBLEM.
AMY, I SEE JAIME

CLEANING UP
TABLE 8 NOW.

NOT A PROBLEM.

AMY, WHERE'S DAVID?

IRA! HELEN, LOOKING
BEAUTIFUL AS EVER.

[BACKGROUND CONVERSATION
GROWS LOUDER]

WELL, I GOT TO SQUEEZE
18 HOLES IN TODAY.

CONSIDERING I HAVEN'T
LEFT THIS PLACE

IN 6 MONTHS, NOT BAD.

RIGHT. I GOT
TO GET TO WORK.

I'LL CATCH YOU
LATER, DOLL.

CALL ME.

TANYA, WHERE'S DAVID?

BRING THE BLUE
AT TABLE ONE.

JENNY, I'LL BE
IN THE OFFICE.

[DOOR CLOSES OUT
BACKGROUND SOUNDS]

DAVID, TAKE YOUR FEET
OFF MY DESK.

YOU'RE STINKING UP
THE BOOKS.

[MUSIC ON TV]

HEY! MY COMMERCIAL.

On TV: HELLO.

I'M ARNOLD ZIGMAN,
AND THIS IS ZIG'S.

AND HERE AT ZIG'S,
WE'VE BEEN SERVING

THE VALLEY'S FINEST
CULINARY CONCOCTIONS

SINCE 1967.

AND MY FAMILY'S FAVORITE,

THE BURLY FRANKFURTER
WITH SAUERKRAUT.

SO, BRING YOUR WHOLE FAMILY
OVER TO ZIG'S,

AND ENJOY
THE WONDERFUL SERVICE

FROM OUR FRIENDLY STAFF,

THE COMFORTABLE
ATMOSPHERE,

AND THE TASTY FOOD.

WE'RE AT...

JUST EAST OF CANOGA.

AND WE'RE OPEN EVERY DAY
AND EVERY NIGHT.

THANK YOU.

HA HA!

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU SPENT 5 GRAND ON THAT.

OH, MAN, I'M NEVER
GONNA HEAR THE END OF THIS.

DAVID,
THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL

GOOD BUSINESS SENSE.

TO MAKE MONEY,
SOMETIMES YOU GOT

TO SPEND
A LITTLE MONEY.

BUT ON THAT, DAD?

COME ON. GIVE ME A BREAK.

BOYCHIK. OY.

IF YOU'RE SO SMART,
WHY DON'T YOU

OPEN UP
YOUR OWN PLACE?

MAYBE I WILL.

RIGHT.
MAYBE YOU WILL.

I'LL BELIEVE THAT
WHEN I SEE IT.

IN THE MEANTIME,

GET YOUR FEET
OFF MY DESK.

AND DO SOMETHING.

JUST FOR A CHANGE,

WHY DON'T YOU
TRY WORKING

FOR THE MONEY
I PAY YOU?

[SIGHS]

[DIALING CELL PHONE]

[LINE RINGS]

Man, VO: MOST PEOPLE COME
FROM THE SCHOOL OF THOUGHT

THAT HARD WORK
AND A 9 TO 5 LIFE

IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET
ANYWHERE IN TODAY'S WORLD.

HOW'D YOU DO?

I BEG TO DIFFER.

IT'S, UH...

IT'S 4-2 GIANTS.
BONDS JUST WENT

YARD ON
TO WAVELAND AVENUE.

MM-HMM.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE HERE. BYE.

Man: GETTING ANYWHERE
THESE DAYS

IS ABOUT PUTTING YOUR MONEY
ON THE RIGHT TEAM...

OR BEING IN THE RIGHT PLACE...

AT THE RIGHT TIME.

HOW'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
YOU TWO STILL TOGETHER?

I NEED
ANOTHER 5 GRAND.

MIKEY,
YOU'RE DOWN 37K.

HAVE I EVER STIFFED YOU
BEFORE, CHARLIE?

THAT'S NOT
WHAT I ASKED YOU.

LOOK, IF I DON'T
PAY YOU BY TOMORROW,

YOU CAN SEND SOMEONE
TO BREAK MY LEGS. OK?

MIKEY, IF I GIVE YOU
5 MORE AND YOU DON'T PAY,

THEY CAN DO MORE
THAN BREAK YOUR LEGS.

IT'S MY ASS,
TOO, YOU KNOW.

I VOUCHED FOR YOU.

THIS IS SERIOUS, MAN.

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

OH, YEAH?

THEN WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
DO THIS TO YOURSELF?

UM, I'M TRYING
TO DO SOMETHING...

YOU UNDERSTAND? I...

YOU KNOW WHAT, CHARLIE?
I DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY.

OK? FORGET IT.

COME ON, MIKEY.

I JUST DON'T WANT
TO SEE ANYTHING BAD

HAPPENING TO YOU.

NOTHING BAD
CAN HAPPEN TO ME.

COME ON. I'M THE LUCKIEST
GUY IN THE WORLD.

NOT TODAY YOU'RE NOT.

OH, YEAH? WATCH ME.

YO, MUNG!

HOW MUCH YOU GIVE ME
ON THE COME FOR THE BOX?

YOUR PORSCHE?
YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
SHOOT IT ALL?

JUST TELL ME
HOW MUCH, MUNG.

WHAT YEAR IS IT?

IT'S A '98.

I DON'T KNOW.
10 GRAND.

10 GRAND! DUDE,
IT'S A $40,000 CAR.

IT'S WORTH A HELL
OF A LOT MORE THAN THAT.

I KNOW IT'S WORTH
MORE TO YOU,

BUT RIGHT NOW,
THAT'S HOW MUCH

IT'S WORTH TO ME.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.
BUT NO VIG.

FUCK THAT.
I GOT TO SEE THIS.

PLAY IT.

DON'T FUCK AROUND,
CHARLIE. I SAID PLAY IT.

OK.

I'LL DEAL YOU MYSELF.

THANKS, VINNIE.
TAKE A BREAK.

SPLIT IT.

CAN'T SPLIT THEM.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

MUNG?

OH, YOU WANT TO GO
ON ACCOUNT?

THE VIG IS 10% PER WEEK.

FINE. PUT ME DOWN.

DEAL.

DOUBLE DOWN.

OH, SHIT.

YOU ARE ONE CRAZY
HEBREW MOTHERFUCKER.

MUNG, PUT ME DOWN.

THAT'S 20K, MIKE.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I SAID PUT ME DOWN.

PUT HIM ON ACCOUNT.

ONE CARD.

Mike: NEXT HAND.

DOUBLE DOWN.

MIKEY, YOU REALIZE IF YOU
DON'T TAKE CARE OF THIS,

IT'S YOUR ASS.

I KNOW.

Mung: RIGHT ON.

WE JUST HAD
TO GET THAT STRAIGHT.

ONE MORE TIME, CHARLIE.

JESUS CHRIST, WHERE
ARE ALL THE FACE CARDS?

14. WHERE THE HELL
ARE THE FACE CARDS?

PAINT 'EM.

37 GOES BACK
TO THE HOUSE.

10 GRAND
GETS ME BACK MY KEYS.

AND THE 30K YOU WENT
ON ACCOUNT FOR

IS NOW NULL AND VOID.

10 PERCENT VIG.
THAT'S GOT TO BE

THE FASTEST 3 GRAND
YOU EVER MADE, RIGHT?

RIGHT PLACE,
RIGHT TIME. YOU KNOW.

NEVER COUNT ME OUT,
CHARLIE. NEVER.

YOU GOT STONES, KID.
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

WHERE YOU GOING NOW?

YOU NEED TO ASK?

HEY, BUDDY.
WHAT'S UP?

MIKEY. WHAT'S UP?

HOW'D YOU DO
THIS WEEKEND?

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
ON WEDNESDAY,

EVERYBODY LOADED UP
ON MADDOX AND THE BRAVES

AND LAY THE 240.
I CLEANED HOUSE.

EXCEPT FOR YOU
AND DAVID.

YOU'LL TAKE CARE OF US
LATER, RIGHT?

I ALWAYS DO.

IN THE BATHROOM.
GOTCHA.

Mike, VO: THIS IS ZIG'S,
MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME,

THE PLACE WHERE MY FRIENDS AND I
GO TO EAT, DRINK,

SMOKE, GAMBLE
OUR LIVES AWAY, AND...

DRINK AND SMOKE.

♪ HE CAN FEEL

♪ THERE IS LOVE

♪ AND MY NEIGHBOR...

THE JUKEBOX.

ALTHOUGH ZIG'S HAS BEEN OPEN
FOR OVER 30 YEARS,

HE HASN'T CHANGED HIS SONG LIST
SINCE 1983.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE LIKE IT THAT WAY.

MICHAEL.

ZIG. ARNOLD ZIGMAN...

THE PROPRIETOR
OF THIS FINE ESTABLISHMENT

AND OUR PHILOSOPHICAL MENTOR
IN THE ART OF SPORTS GAMBLING.

HE FIRST OPENED THE JOINT
IN 1967

AND HAS ENJOYED
A FRUITFUL LIFE.

JAMIE, GIMME A DRINK.

MY BEST FRIEND DAVID AND I
LITERALLY GREW UP HERE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

WE CELEBRATED
OUR BAR MITZVAHS AT ZIG'S.

AND THIS IS WHERE WE WON
OUR FIRST BET.

50 BUCKS ON THE RAIDERS
OVER THE CHIEFS.

ALTHOUGH HE MANAGES THE PLACE
WHEN ZIG'S NOT AROUND,

HE'S NOT PARTICULARLY
HAPPY ABOUT IT.

YOU SEE, DAVID ALWAYS THOUGHT
HE'D PLAY HOCKEY FOR THE KINGS.

UNFORTUNATELY, FOR A SLOW
JEWISH KID FROM THE VALLEY

WITH NO STICK HANDLING ABILITY

AND A SLAP SHOT THAT LOOKS
MORE LIKE A CHANGE UP,

THE ONLY SCORING DAVID DOES NOW
IS WHEN HE HIRES A NEW WAITRESS.

COME ON, BUDDY,
PLEASE.

ARE YOU HONESTLY
TELLING ME

YOU'RE NOT LIQUID
FOR 20?

CORY OPPENHEIM,
THE JERSEY JINX.

FANTASTIC
BOILER ROOM CLOSER.

COULD COLD CALL ESKIMOS
IN ALASKA TO BUY ICE CUBES,

AND THEY'D SEND HIM
A CHECK.

NO, 20 CENTS.

HOW MUCH YOU THINK
HEATING OIL GOES FOR?

20,000!

DON'T GIVE ME ANY CRAP
ABOUT BEING STRAPPED,

BECAUSE I READ YOUR
PORTFOLIO, DR. ROSENSCHMUCK.

NO, NO, LOOK--LO--

SHH! SHH!

Mike: BUT THE WORST LOSER
I'VE EVER SEEN.

WE CALL HIM THE JINX BECAUSE
EVERYTHING HE BETS ON LOSES,

AND HE'S ALWAYS BEHIND
AT THE BOOK.

IF I WERE A PRIZE FIGHTER
AND CORY BET ON ME,

I WOULD CONCEDE THE KNOCKOUT
AND MOVE TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY.

OH, BUDDY, PLEASE!
YOU'RE KILLING ME!

WHEN HAVE I EVER
STIFFED YOU BEFORE, HUH?

NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT WAS DIFFERENT.

THERE WAS A DEATH
IN THE FAMILY.

AND THEN THERE'S BRETT,

THE MOST ANNOYING
HUMAN BEING

ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

COULDN'T GET LAID
IN A MORGUE,

BUT THAT DOESN'T
KEEP HIM FROM TRYING.

NOT BECAUSE HE'S NOT
A GREAT GUY--BECAUSE HE IS--

BUT BECAUSE HE NEVER LOSES.

THERE'S AN OLD GAMBLING ADAGE
THAT SAYS:

IF YOU NEVER BET MORE
THAN 50 BUCKS A GAME,

YOU'LL NEVER LOSE.

SO ALL BRETT DOES
ALL DAY LONG

IS FIND OUT EXACTLY
WHAT CORY IS GONNA BET,

AND THEN HE BETS 50 BUCKS
THE OTHER WAY.

WHEN YOU GOT 5 DIMES
GOIN' ON THE OTHER WAY

AND HE BETS AGAINST YOU
AND WINS

AND THEN DOES HIS LITTLE
VICTORY DANCE,

I SWEAR TO GOD,
YOU COULD CUT HIS BALLS OFF.

WHOO!

WHOOP!
WHOOP!

AH HA HA!

[IMITATING PACINO]
SO...YOU GOT THE STUFF?

YOU KNOW, I'M TIRED
OF YOU GUYS TAKING MY MONEY.

I THINK IT'S TIME
TO CUT YOU OFF.

OK. YOU WANNA COME BACK IN
AND WE'LL START ALL OVER?

NOW YOU'RE TALKING TO ME,
BABY.

NOW YOU'RE TALKIN' TO ME!

LET'S GO.

[BRITISH ACCENT]
AND HERE'S TO YOU.

OH, NO, HERE'S TO YOU,
MY FRIEND.

NO, NO,
HERE'S TO YOU.

OH, DEAR, THANK YOU
FOR COMING, NOW...

Both: PLEASE LEAVE.

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME, BOYS.

AHH!

HELLO, DAVID. 2 BEERS,
JIMMY, PLEASE.

HELLO, BABY.

SO WILL I SEE YOU
LATER?

HOPEFULLY.

OK.

THANKS.

WHOA, DID YOU
GO THERE, TOO?

WELL, I GOT A THING
FOR TALL BLONDS

WHO SMELL NICE, BUT
THEN AGAIN, WHO DOESN'T?

MMM, YES, OF COURSE.
CHECK THIS OUT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHERE IS IT?

IT'S ON VENTURA BOULEVARD
JUST EAST OF BALBOA.

DOES IT HAVE
ENOUGH SPACE?

AMPLE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
NICE BIG SATELLITE DISH THERE.

BIG NEON SIGN SAYING MVPs?

HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM,
HMM, HMM?

HEY, YOU SURE
IT ISN'T 155?

SANDY, STOP BEING
SUCH A SCHMUCK.

WELTERWEIGHT IS 147.

COULD HAVE SWORN
IT WAS 155.

NO. THAT'S JUNIOR
MIDDLEWEIGHT,

AND IT'S 154
TO BE EXACT.

MIKE, AM I RIGHT?

UH, YEAH, I GUESS.

WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S OUR NEW BUSINESS
VENTURE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

RIGHT.

THIS IS GONNA BE
JUST LIKE WHEN YOU GUYS

WANTED TO OPEN UP
THAT TANNING SALON

OR THAT CARPET CLEANING
BUSINESS.

THIS IS JUST ANOTHER ONE
OF YOUR PIPE DREAMS.

WHEN ARE YOU GUYS GONNA
GROW UP? COME ON, ALREADY!

DIDN'T THIS USED TO BE
THAT SUPPER CLUB?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN USED TO
BE? WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?

I DUNNO. CLOSED DOWN
ABOUT A MONTH AGO.

IT'S BEEN BOARDED UP
EVER SINCE.

WHY'D IT CLOSE DOWN?

I DON'T KNOW.
BUT LISTEN....

I THINK WE CAN GET
THIS PLACE DIRT CHEAP.

I'M TALKING LIKE $1.00,
$1.50 A SQUARE FOOT.

NO FUCKING WAY.

YOU CAN'T GET IT
THAT CHEAP.

HOW MUCH
COULD IT BE?

A LOT!

DO THEY HAVE
A LIQUOR LICENSE?

I'VE DRANK THERE.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU DID
YOUR HOMEWORK, MIKE.

HE'S RIGHT. WE CAN NEVER
AFFORD A PLACE LIKE THAT.

SEE, BRETT, THAT'S WHY
YOU NEVER GET LAID.

YOU LACK CONFIDENCE.

NO CONFIDENCE.

HEY, BROTHER,
I FOUND SOMETHING

THAT MIGHT HELP
YOUR CONFIDENCE.

"PENILE ENLARGEMENT.

"NOW YOU CAN ACHIEVE
GREATER SELF-ESTEEM

"WITH INCREASED LENGTH
AND WIDTH

AND RETURN TO WORK
IN JUST 2 SHORT DAYS."

AND YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT

GOING BACK TO WORK SINCE
YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I WORK.

I DON'T THINK
DONATING SPERM

AND COLLECTING UNEMPLOYMENT
ACTUALLY COUNTS AS A JOB.

ALTHOUGH, IF YOU DID GET
THE PENILE ENLARGEMENT,

YOU COULD PROBABLY WRITE IT OFF
AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE.

YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR
ACCOUNTANT ABOUT THAT.

I DON'T REALLY HAVE A
PROBLEM WITH MY PENIS SIZE.

PROBABLY
HEREDITARY.

PROBABLY HAS TO DO WITH
THAT FUCKING DISEASE YOU HAVE.

IT'S NOT A DISEASE,
YOU SCHMUCK.

I'M LACTOSE-INTOLERANT.

WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN?

THAT MEANS HE CAN'T
DIGEST DAIRY.

HE CAN'T DIGEST DAIRY?
PUTZ HAS 3 MILKSHAKES A DAY!

I TAKE PILLS FOR IT.

IT'S FUCKING PATHETIC, MAN.

THERE ARE STARVING
CHILDREN IN THE WORLD,

AND YOUR IMPOTENT ASS CAN'T
DIGEST A FUCKING GLASS OF MILK.

IT'S A SHANDA,BABY.

TCH.

WHAT ARE YOU HAVING,
CORY?

I'LL, UH, I'LL HAVE 2 BULLET
BURGERS, EXTRA CHEESE,

A BAGEL LIGHTLY TOASTED,

CREAM CHEESE AND BUTTER,
PACK OF MARLBORO REDS,

AND A, UH...FUCK IT.
A DOUBLE BLOODY MARY.

BREAKFAST
OF CHAMPIONS.

HOW CAN YOU EAT
LIKE THAT, CORY?

YOU'RE A WALKING
HEART ATTACK.

BET YOU HE HAS A CORONARY
BY THE TIME HE'S 35.

SHIT, I'LL LAY
3-1.

THAT'S COMFORTING. I'LL
STIFF YOU ALL IN MY WILL.

ANYTHING ELSE?

JUST YOU, BABY.

BOYS...YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

OOH!

I THINK I WOULD.

I KNOW I WOULD.
YEAH, BABY!

OH, MAN. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
STILL HAVEN'T BEEN THERE.

I THINK SHE'S HOT.

ARE YOU FUCKING
KIDDING ME?

YEAH, SHE'S LIKE,
UH...NURTURING.

SHE'S LIKE MY MOTHER.

WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I MEAN

IN A VERY WEIRD FREUDIAN
NORMAN BATES KINDA WAY.

IT'S JUST LIKE YOU...
HAVE TO HAVE HER.

YOU BANGED
EVERYTHING ELSE

IN THE JOINT.
MIGHT AS WELL

BAT FOR THE CYCLE.

HEY, ZIG...

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW EVERY WHITE
WIDE RECEIVER IN THE NFL

IS CALLED
A POSSESSION RECEIVER?

YOU NEVER HEARD THEM CALL
A BLACK GUY THAT.

IT'S THEIR POLITICALLY
CORRECT WAY OF SAYING

YOU'RE WHITE AND SLOW,

SO YOU BETTER CATCH
THAT FOOTBALL.

SO YOU WERE AT
THE TRACK ALL DAY?

HOW'D YOU DO?

I BROKE EVEN.

I HATE THAT PLACE.
I NEVER WIN THERE.

All: YOU NEVER
WIN ANYWHERE.

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

WHY DON'T YOU STICK TO WHAT
YOU KNOW, MIKE? GAMES.

YEAH. I KNOW GAMES.

AND I KNOW THAT
YOU CAN PICK THE GAMES

BETTER THAN DIONNE WARWICK
OR PHILIP MICHAEL THOMAS

OR ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL OR ANY
OTHER 3-NAMED MOTHERFUCKER

YOU WANNA THROW IN THERE,
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT MY BETS

TO BE INFLUENCED BY THE
FUCKING JERSEY JINX OVER HERE

OR BY THIS KNOW-NOTHING
MOTHERFUCKER, OK?

SO GO HOME, GET SOME SLEEP,
GET BACK HERE, AND HELP ME OUT.

JAMIE,
START CLEANING UP.

I WANT EVERYBODY OUT
OF HERE EARLY TONIGHT.

♪ I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO LOVE YOU ♪

♪ WHEN I'M OUT HERE
ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ THE THINGS
I WANT TO TELL YOU... ♪

I THINK WE SHOULD STICK
WITH THE ORIGINAL ONE.

LET'S CALL IT MVPs.

NO, NO, NO,
THAT'S LIKE--

THAT'S LIKE--
THAT'S TOO SPOT ON.

IT'S LIKE
TOO SPOT ON.

COME UP WITH SOMETHING
MORE ORIGINAL

LIKE A ROCK 'N' ROLL
THEME KIND OF A SONG

LIKE, UH...LIKE
BENNY AND THE JETS.

TAKE A LYRIC FROM
BENNY AND THE JETS

AND CALL IT SOMETHING
LIKE, UH...

LIKE, UH, MOHAY VU.

[LAUGHTER]

MOHAY VUS.

WHAT THE HELL'S
MOHAY VU?

WHAT THE FUCK
IS A MOHAY VU?

IT'S FRENCH,
YOU KNOW?

HE GOES, "I GOT
ELECTRIC BOOTS,

"I'VE GOT
A MOHAY VU,

I READ IT
IN A MAGAZINE."

[LAUGHTER]

MOHAY VU.

THIS GUY GETS
STUPIDER EVERY DAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S MOHAIR SHOES.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S A MOHAIR SUIT.

NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S MOHAY VU.

I'VE HEARD THE SONG

ABOUT 20,000
FUCKING TIMES.

SO HAVE I. I'VE HEARD IT
20,000 FUCKING TIMES, TOO.

IT'S A FUCKING
MOHAIR SUIT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLACE
A LITTLE WAGER ON THAT?

I CERTAINLY WOULD LIKE TO.
HOW MUCH? $20? $20? RIGHT THERE?

JAMES, WOULD YOU DO
THE HONORS, PLEASE?

OK, GREAT. THANK YOU.

ROCK 'N' ROLL JOHNNY. WHAT
IS THE CORRECT LYRIC, FRIEND?

IT'S A MOHAIR SUIT.

AH, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.

SOME FUCKING HELP!

HE HAS A G.E.D.,
FOR CHRISSAKE.

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH THAT.

A GUY CAN'T MAKE
NATURAL FOX PASS,

FOR CHRISSAKES?

HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA!

WHAT THE FUCK?

FUCK!

NO, NO, NO. I THINK
WHAT OUR DRUNKEN FRIEND

IS TRYING TO SAY IS THAT
HE MADE A...FAUX PAS.

OH, AGAIN WITH
THE FRENCH.

NO, THAT IS
ACTUALLY FRENCH.

FAUX PAS.
SAY IT WITH ME. FAUX PAS.

NO. HOW 'BOUT
I SAY FUCK YOU?

THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S FRENCH, TOO.

WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH THIS FUCKIN' GUY?

Mike: THIS GUY TINY
WAS THE ONLY REASON

WHY EVERYONE KEPT CURRENT
ON THE BOOKS WITH CLYDE.

SEE, CLYDE WAS NOTHING
BUT A HALF-ASSED BOOKIE

WHO PRIDED HIMSELF ON BEING
THIS CHRIS WALKEN AFICIONADO.

NOT ONLY DID HE WALK
AND TALK LIKE HIM,

BUT HE CLAIMS TO HAVE SEEN
KING OF NEW YORK2,000 TIMES.

RUMOR HAS IT CLYDE ONCE
KILLED A MAN FOR 20 BUCKS.

PERSONALLY, I THINK HE
STARTED THE RUMOR HIMSELF.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

JIMMY, GIVE ME
A SHOT...

AH, NO, NO, NO.
NO MORE SHOTS FOR MY FRIENDS

WHO DO NOT PAY
THEIR TABS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT'S CLOSING TIME.

PLEASE LEAVE ME MY BAR.
I HAVE WORK TO DO.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I GOT WORK TO DO!
CAN'T YOU TAKE A HINT?

GOOD NIGHT,
EVERYBODY.

HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY, HEY!

THAT'S MY DRINK.
I OWN THE PLACE.

BY THE WAY, DAVID.
NICE COMMERCIAL.

FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.

HEY, DAVE, WE'LL
BE ON ATLANTIC.

YEAH. I GOT A FEELING.
THE FUCKERS.

GOOD NIGHT,
JOHNNY LONG.

JESUS CHRIST.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, CHRIST.

OH, FUCK.

OH, UH, BY THE WAY,
UH, BRETT.

THAT, UH...

THAT DINNER THAT YOU
BOUGHT ME LAST NIGHT,

I WAS THINKING...

INSTEAD OF, UH,
BUYING ME A DINNER,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST PICK UP
THE TAB FOR THE, UH,

PARKING LOT AND THE, UH,

THE ADMISSION AT
THE TRACK THIS WEEKEND?

WHY THE FUCK
WOULD I DO THAT?

PARKING AND ADMISSION
AT THE TRACK

IS AT LEAST $8.00 OR $9.00.

I CAN BUY YOU
A BURGER HERE FOR 3.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

AN ENTIRE BURGER MEAL
COSTS, UH, AT LEAST 6.95.

WHO THE HELL SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT A COMPLETE DINNER?

THE BET WAS FOR A BURGER,

SINGULAR, NOT
A BURGER WITH FRIES

OR A BURGER AND SALAD.

JUST A BURGER.

ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?

NO, I'M NOT.

LOOK...

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU JUST WANNA BUY ME
A FUCKING HAMBURGER,

ALONE, JUST ALONE?

YEAH, IT'S CALLED
AÁ LA CARTE.

AÁ LA CARTE.

AGAIN WITH THIS FUCKIN'
FRENCH. IT'S DRIVIN' ME--

AÁ LA CARTE! A LA CARTE!

W-WHAT IS THA--WH--

A-ALONE, WITHOUT
ANY FRENCH FRIES?

YEAH, YOU'RE--YOU'RE
CATCHIN' ON QUICKLY.

[SIGHS]

I HATE YOU.

MIKE, I--I--I LOVE YOU.
YOU'RE A FUCKIN' MENTSH,

BUT THIS IS JUST ANOTHER
ONE OF YOUR SCHEMES.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THIS,
MAN. TRUST ME.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU
WANNA DO SOMETHIN',

DON'T YOU WANT TO MAKE
SOMETHIN' HAPPEN, YOU KNOW,

TO KNOW THAT YOU MADE IT
HAPPEN, WE MADE IT HAPPEN?

LOOK, I'M SERIOUS
ABOUT THIS.

I WANNA DO THIS NOW.

I WANNA DO THIS. TRUST ME.

TRUST YOU?

YEAH.

AND WHY SHOULD
I TRUST YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE
YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU KNOW, I--

MAYBE, UH--MAYBE
I SHOULD GET A JOB.

YOU'RE GONNA
GET A JOB.

YOU.

YEAH, I CAN GET A JOB.
LISTEN, MISTER, UH...

RESPONSIBLE 'CAUSE MY DAD
OWNS A RESTAURANT...

I CAN, UH, I CAN GET A JOB

AND SAVE MY MONEY AND,
UH, BE AN ENTREPRENEUR.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
TOMORROW, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA GO
LOOK FOR A JOB.

YO, WHAT'S THE LINE
ON THAT PHILLY GAME?

YO, THE DODGERS ARE 30
AND 7 1/2 OVER 110.

50. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

I'M GONNA LAY 6K
TO WIN 4 ON THE METS.

OK? WHAT ARE THE JAYS AT?

NO, SHIT. THEY'RE DOGS
WITH CLEMENS ON THE MOUND?

ALL RIGHT.

GIVE ME 3K ON THE JAYS.

I'M GONNA PARLAY BOTH
OF THAT INTO THE...

Mike: JOEY CALDERA IS THE ONLY
ITALIAN GUY FROM BROOKLYN

WHO THINKS HE'S BLACK.

HE MOVED OUT HERE
DURING HIGH SCHOOL

AND HAS ENJOYED
A SUCCESSFUL ENDEAVOR

IN THE WORLD OF BOOKMAKING.

...IN THE FIFTH.

ALTHOUGH WE'VE BEEN
FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME,

WE BARELY HANG.

WE JUST RUN IN DIFFERENT
CROWDS, I GUESS.

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE
WE'LL STILL DO A FAVOR

FOR EACH OTHER AS A TOKEN
OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.

E-EASE UP, JOEY?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, EASE UP?

WHAT'RE YOU, MY BOOKIE
OR MY MOTHER?

YO, YO, YO, YO, WAIT.

YO, I NEED YOU
TO DO ME A FAVOR.

NO--NO--NO--NO.

I NEED YOU TO GO BY
AND PICK UP AN ENVELOPE

FROM YOUR FATHER'S BOSS.

GET SOMEBODY ELSE, BRO.

I CAN'T FIND NOBODY ELSE.
THAT'S WHY I'M ASKIN' YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE A REAL ASSHOLE.

YOU KNOW THAT? JUST FOR THAT,
I'M TAKING 20%.

YO, 10%...

AND I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR ANY OF THAT

"I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU
NEXT WEEK" BULLSHIT.

YO, I NEED IT TODAY.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU.

MOTHERFUCKER THINKS
I'M BANK OF AMERICA.

NOW LET ME SEE THAT
WEAK-ASS CROSSOVER.

10-1. GAME POINT.

THAT'S GAME, BROTHER.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S
BULLET BURGERS ON YOU.

WAIT TILL I GET YOUR BLACK
ASS IN MY SWIMMIN' POOL.

MICHAEL.

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT DO I OWE
THIS HONOR TO?

I CAME BY
TO SAY HI, AND...

I NEED SOME WINDSHIELD
WIPERS FOR MY CAR.

OH, THAT FLASH
NAZI MOBILE YOU DRIVE?

IT'S NOT A NAZI MOBILE,
DAD. IT'S A PORSCHE.

PORSCHE.

YEAH.
WHATEVER.

YEAH, WE CAN SET YOU UP.

YOU GET A JOB YET?

I'M WORKIN' ON SOME OTHER
THINGS RIGHT NOW, DAD.

WELL, I'LL GET YOU
A JOB HERE.

TEACH YA HOW
TO HANDLE A WRENCH.

YOU! YOU TELL THAT
SON OF A BITCH I'M DONE.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

I LOST 5 GRAND LAST WEEK
AND ANOTHER 7,600

AGAIN THIS WEEK BECAUSE
HE DOESN'T TAKE TEASERS.

IF HE WOULDA LET ME TEASE
BOTH WEEKS, I WOULD'VE WON.

YOU JUST TELL THAT ASSHOLE
THAT THIS IS IT.

YOU UNDERSTAND? NO MORE.

AND IF THAT PRICK EVER
CALLS ME AGAIN,

I'LL HAVE YOU BOTH
ARRESTED.

SO, UH, WHAT KIND OF WIPERS
DID YOU SAY YOU NEEDED?

YOU CAN'T BEAT ME.

Both: OH, HEY, MIKE.
WHAT'S UP?

HEY, GUYS.
WHAT'S UP, MAN?

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

NO!
OOH, OOH!

YEAH, YEAH!
NO!

NO!

♪ WHOO, WHOO

YOU ARE THE WORST!

I TOLD YOU! HOW CAN YOU
BET AGAINST JUNIOR?

THE MAN'S A HOME RUN
MACHINE.

HOW COULD I BET
ON THE AMERICAN LEAGUE?

THERE'S NO PITCHING.

I--I MEAN, LOOK AT
THAT PUTZ ON THE MOUND.

WHAT DO THEY PAY THIS GUY,
LIKE $3 MILLION A YEAR

TO LOB GRAPEFRUITS
LIKE THAT?

UN-FUCKIN'-BELIEVABLE.

I MEAN, I COULD DO
BETTER THAN THAT.

I SHOULDA NEVER
GAVE UP PITCHIN'.

I'D PROBABLY BE IN
THE BIG LEAGUES BY NOW.

PLEASE, DON'T
EVEN START WITH ME

WITH THE PITCHING BULLSHIT.

IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU
GO GLORY DAYS ON ME AGAIN,

I'M GONNA PUKE!

I'M SERIOUS, MAN. I COULDA
BEEN A BIG LEAGUE PITCHER

IF I'D JUST KEPT IT UP.
I JUST--

YOU KNOW, I JUST
DIDN'T KEEP IT UP.

MAYBE YOU SHOULDA
HIRED A FLUFFER.

[LAUGHING]
OH.

HEY, FUCK YOU.
YEAH, GREAT, MARGE.

KICK ME WHILE
I'M DOWN, HUH?

BUT I SWEAR TO GOD,
I WAS GOOD.

I WAS FUCKIN' FANTASTIC.

14-YEAR-OLD COLT DIVISION A
YEAR BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE.

OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN
WITH THE PHANTOM SHUTOUT.

A 9 INNING
FULL GAME SHUTOUT

OVER THE HOBOKEN HOUNDS,

AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE
ME, ASK ADAM GOLDBERG.

HE WAS THERE PLAYING
SECOND BASE THAT DAY.

WHO THE HELL
IS ADAM GOLDBERG?

I JUST TOLD YOU,
FUCK FACE.

HE WAS SECOND BASE.

HERE, WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE

A BRUCE WILLIS MOVIE
OR SOMETHIN'?

OH, MY--

HEY.

THANKS.

YEAH, THANKS, MIKE.

SO YOU'RE COMIN'
TO MY BAR MITZVAH?

I DON'T KNOW.
YOU READY FOR IT?

OF COURSE.

YEAH, WELL, LET ME HEAR
SOMETHIN'. COME ON.

AW, COME ON.

COME ON. IT'S WORTH
40 BUCKS, ISN'T IT?

COME ON, GUYS.
PAUL, HELP HIM OUT.

[BOTH SPEAKING HEBREW]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
YOU GUYS SUCK, YOU KNOW THAT?

Doug: NO--NO. I KNOW MY

HAFTARAH PORTION
BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS.

THE RECEPTION'S
GONNA BE AWESOME.

YOU GOTTA BE THERE.

MY DAD'S RENTING OUT
THE ENTIRE CORBIN BOWL:

ARCADE, SNACK SHOP,
BOWLING. IT'S ALL FREE.

FREE BOWLIN', HUH?

YOU KNOW...

IS IT SO HARD
FOR YOU TO ADMIT

THAT IN MY YOUTH
I WAS IN FACT

AN ABSOLUTELY
FANTASTIC PITCHER?

I WAS FUCKING
FANTASTIC!

FINE. YOU WERE
THE CY FUCKING YOUNG

OF THE BNAI BRITH
LEAGUE. OK?

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

MIKE, TAKE
THE DODGERS TONIGHT.

THEY'RE A LOCK.

LAST YEAR VALDES
WAS 8 AND 1 AT HOME.

YEAH, AND KARROS IS GONNA
GO YARD TONIGHT FOR SURE.

YO, DUH.

WAIT A SECOND. WHAT ARE
YOU GUYS DOING GAMBLING?

YOU'RE 12 YEARS OLD.

Both: WE'RE 13.

AND WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THAT?

YOU GAMBLE.

YEAH, BUT
THAT'S DIFFERENT.

WHY?

IT JUST IS, OK?

YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS.
I'M GONNA TEACH YOU

A VERY VALUABLE LESSON
RIGHT NOW.

NOW YOU SAY YOU KNOW
YOUR HAFTARAH PORTION

BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS,
RIGHT?

YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.

I BET YOU DOUBLE OR NOTHIN'
ON THE 20 I JUST GAVE YOU

THAT YOU DON'T.

[BOTH SPEAKING HEBREW]

NOW. SING IT BACKWARDS.

EH?

AW, DARN. NO!

WHOO! WHOO-OOH! YES!

♪ WHOO WHOO-OOH
WHOO-WHOO-WHOO ♪

MAN, YOU NEED A FUCKIN'
WIN BAD, BUDDY.

YOU BETTER GET SOME HELP.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

I'LL ASK RAINMAN.
HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

HEY, RAINMAN.

LISTEN, PAL,
I NEED YOUR HELP,

AND I NEED IT BAD.
WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME?

UH, LET'S SEE, UH...

LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE.

UH, OK...

THE KNICKS AND THE HAWKS
ARE ABOUT TO TIP OFF

IN 10 MINUTES.
IT'S A PICK-EM.

BUDDY, PLEASE!

[COMPUTER BEEPS]
AW.

ALL RIGHT, SCHMUCKO. OK.

ALL RIGHT. WHEN ASSESSING
THIS PARTICULAR GAME,

THERE ARE CERTAIN KEY FACTORS
THAT IMMEDIATELY COME TO MIND.

FOR INSTANCE, THE KNICKS
ARE 18 AND 2 AT THE GARDEN

WHEN COMING OFF A HOME LOSS...

NO MATTER HOW SURE
YOU THINK SOMETHING IS,

GAMBLING IS ALWAYS
A LOSING PROPOSITION.

OK?

GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Zig: WHAT WAS
THAT ALL ABOUT?

UH, NOTHIN'.

MICHAEL...

I CAN READ YOU LIKE A BOOK.
I ALWAYS COULD.

YOU KNOW,
I'VE ALWAYS SAID

THIS IS A MAN
WHO CAN DO THINGS.

REALLY?

WHEN THE TEAM SHOT 39%
FROM THE FIELD

AND 73% FROM THE FOUL LINE,

WHEN EWING AVERAGES
21 POINTS A GAME OR BETTER,

NATURALLY DURING
A NIGHT CONTEST

WHEN THE MOON IS IN ITS
3 QUARTER CRESCENT PHASE,

BUT ONLY IF THE TEAM FACES
AN EASTERN DIVISION FOE

WHO'S UNDER 500 ON THE ROAD,

WHILE SPIKE LEE
AND JERRY SEINFELD

ARE IN ATTENDANCE

ALONG WITH WOODY ALLEN
WHO'S WITHOUT SOON-YI.

WELL, I'LL TELL YA.

I LIKE THE NAME.

I THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA,
A GOOD CONCEPT.

BUT, UH, TO BE HONEST,

I THINK YOU GUYS
ARE GETTIN' IN

A LITTLE BIT
OVER YOUR HEADS.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT THE RESTAURANT
BUSINESS.

WHAT, YOU
DON'T THINK DAVID

KNOWS HOW TO RUN
A RESTAURANT?

DAVID? SURE.

DAVID KNOWS HOW TO RUN IN,
WATCH A LAKERS GAME,

HAVE A LITTLE NOSH
AND RUN OUT.

IT'S NICE TO SEE

YOU HAVE SO MUCH
CONFIDENCE IN ME, DAD.

LOOK, I'M NOT SAYIN'
IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

I JUST DON'T THINK
YOU GUYS HAVE ANY IDEA

OF THE SHIT
YOU GOTTA DEAL WITH.

LIKE WHAT?

ALL RIGHT.
LET'S BE REALISTIC.

BESIDES ALL
THE BULLSHIT RED TAPE,

THE LEASE,
THE LIQUOR LICENSE,

THE BUILDING CODES,
PERMITS, CONTRACTORS,

BESIDES ALL THAT,

THERE'S THE QUESTION
OF THE GELT.

COME ON, BOYS.
YOU KNOW, THE MONEY.

YOU WANNA OPEN UP SHOP

IN THE MIDDLE
OF SHERMAN OAKS

ON VENTURA BOULEVARD,

YOU'RE GONNA NEED
A LOT OF GELTS,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE
GONNA GIVE THE PLACE

A COMPLETE OVERHAUL:

BIG SCREEN TVs,
SATELLITE DISHES,

CABLE THIS,
PAY-PER-VIEW THAT,

SOUND SYSTEM, ALL THE WAY
DOWN TO THE SILVERWARE--

THAT COSTS MONEY.

YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT NO LESS
THAN HALF A MIL, EASY.

NOW, MICHAEL...

I'M SURE YOU HAVE
A LITTLE MONEY PUT AWAY,

AND DAVID THAT 50,000
YOUR GRANDPARENTS LEFT YOU

IS YOURS TO DO
WHAT YOU LIKE WITH,

BUT I KNOW CORY'S BROKE
'CAUSE HE OWES ME MONEY,

AND BRETT...

GOD BLESS HIM, BUT THAT KID
COULD SQUEEZE A DIME SO HARD

HE'D GET 3 NICKELS.

SO WHAT DO WE DO?

[SIGHS]

WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU GET UP OFF YOUR ASS,

AND YOU FIGURE IT
THE FUCK OUT.

COME ON, DAVID.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

HAVE A LITTLE CHUTZPA.

I'M TIRED OF CHANGING
YOUR DIAPER, SON.

LISTEN, BOYCHIK...

YOU WANT A SANDWICH, FINE.

YOU NEED A PLACE
TO STAY, FINE.

YOU WANT YOUR OWN BUSINESS,

YOU GOT OUT AND
YOU GET IT FOR YOURSELF.

FARSHTAIST?

MIKE.

WELL, THAT WENT WELL.

I DIDN'T WANNA TELL HIM
I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

SO ALL WE GOT
IS MY 50 K?

THAT ISN'T GONNA DO
FUCK-ALL FOR US.

I GOT A LITTLE
OVERANXIOUS, MIKE,

AND I COULDN'T WAIT.

CORY WENT CRAZY, BET EVERY
DAY GAME THERE WAS,

AND HE BET 'EM HEAVY.
HE'S DOWN, MIKE. BAD.

DOUG AND PAUL SAID--

DOUG AND PAUL ARE 12 YEARS
OLD, FOR CHRISSAKES.

THEY'RE 13!

GUYS, PLEASE.

AND THAT'S JUST
TODAY'S GAMES.

HE'S GOT ACTION ON
EVERY L.A. TEAM TONIGHT.

THAT'S GOOD,
RIGHT, MIKE?

I GOTTA MAKE
A COMEBACK.

HOW MUCH?

15,000 IF ALL 3
TEAMS LOSE.

BOTH OF YOU?

NO. ARE YOU KIDDING?
I MADE MY $50 BET AND QUIT.

LOOK, I STILL GOT
A CHANCE

ON MY PICKS TONIGHT,
RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T LIKE
ANY OF 'EM. I STAYED AWAY.

YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T...
DIDN'T PLAY ANYTHING?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT, CORY.

I SAID I DIDN'T LIKE
ANY OF THE L.A. TEAMS.

BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?
IT DOESN'T MEAN SHIT, RIGHT?

BUDDY, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT. CALL IN A COUPLE
DIMES ON THE METS/JAY PARLAY.

BACK IT UP WITH A STRAIGHT
BET ON THE METS FOR 2

AND ANOTHER ON THE JAYS.

WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?

MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING
I MISSED HERE.

UH, MIKE, LOOK,
THAT'S--THAT'S NO GOOD.

CLYDE ALREADY SAID
I'M CUT OFF.

YOU BET WITH CLYDE,
YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER?

YOU BET WITH CLYDE? THAT
GUY'S A FUCKIN' PSYCHO!

ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR MIND,
CORY?

WELL, NOBODY ELSE
WOULD TAKE MY ACTION!

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

ALL RIGHT, WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S 7:28. WE GOT
2 FUCKING MINUTES.

YO, JOEY, WHAT'S UP?
YEAH, IT'S MIKE.

YEAH. HEY, LISTEN,
YOU REMEMBER MY FRIEND

BRETT, RIGHT?

YEAH. $50-BRETT. YEAH.
HE'S HIT IT BIG NOW

IN SOME MULTI-LEVEL
MARKETING SCHEME

OR SOMETHING,
AND HE'S BACK IN TOWN,

AND HE WANTS TO THROW
DOWN SOME ACTION.

CAN YOU DO IT? YEAH,
I'LL VOUCH FOR HIM.

HE'S RIGHT HERE.
YOU WANNA TALK TO HIM?

LISTEN. JUST SAY YOU WANT
THE SAME THING AS MIKEY

AND THAT YOU'RE GOOD
FOR IT, OK?

YEAH. SAME THING AS MIKEY,
AND I'M GOOD FOR IT.

NO PROBLEM.

YO, UH, JOEY, WHAT'S UP?

UH, YEAH, JUST GIVE ME
THE SAME THING--WHAT?

OH, UH, YEAH, JUST
GOT BACK INTO TOWN.

UH-HUH. FROM, UH...

FROM, UH...

ATLANTIC CITY.
NEW YORK. NEW YORK.

MIAMI. MIAMI.

SALT LAKE CITY.

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY
I'M ROLLING DOWN THERE, BRO.

OH, NO, NO, NONE OF THAT
$50 BULLSHIT ANYMORE.

NO, I'M STRAIGHT UP
BIG BANK HANK IN '98, NIGGA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M JUST TRYING TO SPEAK HIS
LANGUAGE. I DON'T KNOW.

YEAH, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYIN', RIGHT?

I'M THROWIN' DOWN
BUCKETS-O'-DUCATS.

YEAH, MAN! YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING, RIGHT?

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHO I AM,
JOEY, RIGHT?

I'M THE O.G. DOPE IN THE
MOTHERFUCKIN' HOUSE, NIGGA!

TAFT HIGH SCHOOL, BABY!

YEAH! DON'T THINK
I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.

WE USED TO CALL YOU
JOEY CAPEZIO

BECAUSE YOU USED TO WEAR
THOSE WHITE CAPEZIOS

WITH THE SERGIO VALENTE PANTS
AND THE SHAM SHIRTS

AND THE COMB
IN YOUR BACK POCKET,

CRUISING DOWN VENTURA BOULEVARD
IN YOUR GREEN SUZUKI SAMURAI

AND YOUR VANILLA ICE HAIRDO.

MAN, YOU WERE
A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!

YEAH, I KNOW THAT WAS
A LONG TIME AGO.

BUT IT'S ALSO BEEN
A LONG TIME

SINCE I MADE ANY KIND
OF A $50 BET,

BUT YOU DON'T SEEM TO
HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS

REMEMBERING THAT, NOW, DO YOU?
THE POINT IS THIS...

I'M A JEW, RIGHT?

AND JEWS ARE KNOWN
FOR WHAT?

THAT'S RIGHT! MONEY, HONEY!

AND RIGHT NOW I GOT
TRUCKLOADS OF IT.

JUST PUT ME DOWN FOR WHATEVER
MIKEY'S DOWN FOR,

AND WIN OR LOSE,
DINNER THIS WEEKEND IS ON ME

AT THE STAGEBRUSH CANTINA.

WE'LL GO TO PELICANS AFTERWARDS
FOR DRINKS, OK?

ALL RIGHT, COOL.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

UH, GREAT. PEACE OUT.

CIAO.

YO, JOEY. YEAH.
YEAH.

YEAH, HE HAS CERTAINLY
CHANGED A LOT. YEAH.

UH...OK.

YEAH. UM...

ALL RIGHT. YEAH.
LATER, DUDE. BYE.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
WHAT'D I DO?

WATCH HIM
LOSE HIS LUNCH.

YOU JUST WENT DOWN
ON PAPER FOR 10 LARGE

WITH JOEY CALDERA.

$10,000?

TO JOEY C. OF CHATSWORTH?

YEAH. AND I VOUCHED
FOR YOU.

HOW SICK IS THAT?
OH, MY GOD.

YOU GOT A COUPLE OF
REAL FRIENDS THERE, CORY.

THESE GUYS PUT THEIR
ASSES ON THE LINE FOR YOU.

I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT.

HE KNOWS. COME ON, LET'S
JUST WATCH THE GAMES, BUDDY.

Mike: AND SO, WE SAT
AND SWEATED THE GAMES.

FOR A WHILE, IT LOOKED LIKE
WE HAD A CHANCE.

THE DODGERS LOOKED GOOD EARLY,
AND SO DID THE LAKERS.

EVEN THE KINGS
CAME OUT STRONG,

BUT JUST AS I THOUGHT
THIS MORNING, THEY ALL FOLDED.

THE DODGERS' BULLPEN
COULDN'T CLOSE.

THE KINGS' NEW GOALIE GOT
STONED. EVEN THE LAKERS

GAVE UP A FOURTH QUARTER LEAD
AND LOST IN OVERTIME.

NOW, CORY OBVIOUSLY
HAD REASON TO SWEAT,

BUT SO DID BRETT AND I.

TOGETHER, WE WERE DOWN
FOR 20 GRAND,

AND NONE OF US HAD IT.

CLEMENS HAD PITCHED
MASTERFULLY,

BUT HE WAS GETTIN' TIRED.

THE YANKS WERE
STARTIN' TO GET TO HIM.

ALL RIGHT. GET HIM OUTTA
THERE. HE'S EXHAUSTED.

HE'S TIRED ALREADY.
HE'S AN OLD MAN.

YEAH, HE'S DONE
A GREAT JOB.

THAT'S ALL HE CAN DO.

COME ON,
BRING IN THE CLOSER.

OH, GOD.
HE'S GONNA BLOW IT.

[SIGHS]
I CAN'T WATCH THIS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA LOSE.
I SWEAR TO GOD,

I'M GONNA KILL
MYSELF IF THEY LOSE.

BRETT, WOULD YOU
SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE?

YOU'RE GONNA JINX IT.

HE'S GOT THE BASES LOADED
WITH NOBODY OUT.

ALL THEY NEED
IS A BASE HIT, AND WE LOSE.

All: SHUT UP!

THE HARDEST THING
TO DO IN SPORTS

IS HIT A BASEBALL.

I SHOULD BE IN THERE
PITCHING RIGHT NOW.

NO, WE'LL DO JUST FINE
WITH HIM, OK?

ARE YOU NUTS?
DO YOU KNOW

HOW MANY PITCHES
HE'S THROWN?

CLEMENS IS A CHAMPION.

YOU CAN'T BEAT A MAN WITH
THE HEART OF A CHAMPION.

HE WON'T LET YA.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

YOU WOULDN'T
UNDERSTAND.

LOOK, TRUST ME.

IF THEY LEAVE HIM IN,
WE'LL WIN.

IF THEY TAKE HIM OUT,
WE TAKE OUR CHANCES.

THEY SHOULD JUST LET HIM
CLOSE IT OUT.

TV Announcer:
RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

MR. GASTON, IT LOOKS LIKE...

[SIGHS]

HE'S DONE THE
RIGHT THING NOW,

'CAUSE CLEMENS LOOKS LIKE...

Second announcer:
I THINK SO.

IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S--
HE'S GONNA PULL HIM.

YES IT IS.
HE'S PULLING HIM OUT.

AND WHO--WHO ARE THE,
UH, BLUE JAYS GONNA TAP?

YES, THEY ARE.
THEY'RE TAPPING...

THE YOUNG--YES, IT IS.

IT IS MATT REED.

All: MATT REED?!

THE UPSTART ROOKIE
IS COMING IN

TO RELIEVE ROGER CLEMENS.

THAT'S RIGHT. MATT REED,

THE BIG VALLEY BOY
FROM CALIFORNIA.

OH! ARE YOU OUT
OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?

THIS IS FUCKIN'
UNBELIEVABLE.

LITTLE MATTY REED
IS PITCHING

IN THE BIGGEST GAME
OF OUR LIVES?

I MEAN, I HEARD
HE GOT DRAFTED,

BUT THAT WAS
A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

HE WAS IN THE MINORS,
YOU PUTZ.

YOU REMEMBER THE MINORS?

PEOPLE GO THERE BEFORE
THEY MAKE IT TO THE SHOW?

I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE'S YOUNGER THAN US.

I CAN. I USED TO LOCK HIM
IN HIS GYM LOCKER

WHEN HE WAS A FRESHMAN.

OH, GREAT.

YOU FUCKIN' KIDDIN' ME?

WELL, THAT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL
KARMICALLY.

FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

WE'RE RELYING
ON MATTY REED TO BAIL US OUT

OF THE BIGGEST GAME
OF OUR FUCKIN' LIVES,

AND YOU USED TO LOCK HIM
IN HIS FUCKIN' GYM LOCKER?

WELL, IF I HAD
A CRYSTAL BALL--

[ALL YELLING]

SHUT UP!

GUYS, WE'VE GOT
A SHOT, OK?

MATT'S A WINNER.

HE'S ALWAYS BEEN
A WINNER.

WE'VE GOT A SHOT.
MIKE,

WHAT IS IT WITH THIS
WINNER-LOSER BULLSHIT?

YEAH,
PLEASE EXPLAIN.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
WINNING AND LOSING,

GENTLEMEN,
IS INTANGIBLE.

IT'S NOT SHOWN
IN THE STATS,

IT'S NOT MEASURED
IN PERCENTAGES.

IT'S ONLY FOUND

IN A FEW VERY SPECIAL,
VERY RARE PEOPLE,

AND IT'S FOUND
IN THE HEART...

THE WILL TO WIN.

ROCKY MARCIANO,
49 AND 0.

NEVER LOST. REFUSED.

JOE MONTANA...

2 MINUTES LEFT, DOWN
BY 6, 80 YARDS TO GO.

YOU KNEW JOE WAS GONNA

PUT IT IN THE END ZONE,
SEE?

MATT REED'S A WINNER.
HE PLAYED WITH

MY FRIEND SHAYMIS' SON
IN WINTER BALL.

YOU GOT A SHOT, BOYS.

TV announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WELCOME BACK
TO YANKEE STADIUM.

AS THE YANKEES
FACE THE BLUE JAYS,

ROGER CLEMENS HAS JUST BEEN
TAKEN OUT OF THE GAME,

AND THE YOUNG ROOKIE
MATT REED

IS COMING IN TO RELIEVE HIM.

Mike: HERE'S MATT REED...

SOMEONE WE ALL WENT
TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH.

EVEN THOUGH HE WANTED
TO HANG OUT WITH US,

ALL HE GOT WAS CORY STUFFING
HIM IN HIS LOCKER.

MATTY REED
CAME INTO THAT GAME

AND STRUCK OUT THE ONLY
3 BATTERS HE FACED,

AND WE ALL WON...

BUT THERE WAS NO CHEERING,

AND BRETT DIDN'T DO
HIS LITTLE VICTORY DANCE.

I MEAN, HERE HE IS

CLOSING OUT A GAME
ON NATIONAL TELEVISION,

AND WHAT ARE WE DOIN'?

TV announcer: STRIKE 3!
JEETER HAS--

JUST WATCHING.

TO END THE GAME,
AND THE NEW YORK YANKEES--

I GUESS THERE COMES
A MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE

WHEN YOU LOOK AT SOMEONE,
SOMEONE LIKE MATT,

FILLED WITH
TALENT AND BEAUTY,

AND IT MAKES YOU REFLECT
ON YOUR OWN LIFE,

OR LACK THEREOF.

NONE OF US SAID A WORD.
WE ALL JUST WENT HOME.

I'D JUST LIKE TO THANK GOD.

♪ LATELY I'VE BEEN
STRESSIN' ♪

♪ AND I'M ONLY 17

♪ EVERYBODY'S ON MY BACK

♪ AND THAT AIN'T WHAT I NEED,
NO NOT THIS TIME ♪

♪ I KEEP LOOKIN' FOR A CLUE,
I NEED A SIGN ♪

Mike: THE NEXT NIGHT
WAS MONDAY NIGHT.

DATE NIGHT.

THE NIGHT
WE ALL GOT TOGETHER

AND TOOK OUR RESPECTIVE
GIRLFRIENDS OUT

FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

NOW, THE GIRLS USED
TO COMPLAIN AS TO WHY

WE DECIDED
ON A MONDAY NIGHT

AS THE NIGHT
TO TAKE THEM OUT,

BECAUSE,
ACCORDING TO THEM,

NOTHING EVER REALLY HAPPENS
ON A MONDAY NIGHT.

THEY FELT THEY WERE GETTIN'
THE SHORT END OF THE STICK.

WHAT THEY DIDN'T REALIZE

IS THAT IT WAS REALLY
A COMPROMISE.

YES, FOR THE MOST PART,

WE CHOSE THAT NIGHT
BECAUSE IT'S TRUE,

NOTHING GOOD REALLY HAPPENS
ON A MONDAY NIGHT.

EXCEPT FOR 16 WEEKS
OUT OF EACH YEAR

DURING FOOTBALL SEASON,
IT WAS A LIVING HELL.

NOT ONLY DID WE HAVE

TO SWEAT OUT OUR MONDAY NIGHT
ACTION IN THE DARK,

BUT FOR THOSE 16 WEEKS,
WE HAD TO ACTUALLY PRETEND

THAT WE WERE INTERESTED
IN ANYTHING ELSE.

THE COOL THING WAS

WHOEVER DIDN'T
BRING A DATE ON DATE NIGHT

HAD TO BUY DRINKS
FOR A WEEK.

I PERSONALLY NEVER REALLY
HAD A PROBLEM WITH THIS,

BUT TONIGHT,
DAVID HAD REASON TO SWEAT.

YOU GUYS AREN'T GONNA
FUCKIN' BELIEVE THIS,

BUT, UH, THE GIRL

I WAS SUPPOSED
TO HOOK UP WITH TONIGHT,

SHE GOT STUCK
IN AN ELEVATOR.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

SWEAR TO GOD.

NO, I'M TELLIN' YOU,
IT'S THE GOD'S HONEST TRUTH.

THE DOORS OPENED, SHE
FORGOT TO TURN SIDEWAYS,

AND SHE GOT HER ASS STUCK
ON THE WAY OUT.

[LAUGHS]

THAT'S FUNNY.
WHAT, YOU--YOU SERIOUS?

IT'S FUCKIN' UNBELIEVABLE.
ME, RIGHT?

HEY, YOU THINK
YOU FEEL BAD NOW,

YOU SHOULD
SEE THE BEAUTY

THAT BRETT
WALKED IN WITH.

DO I KNOW HER?
NO,

ACTUALLY, THIS
IS OUR FIRST DATE,

BUT I THINK SHE
REALLY LIKES ME.

NO KIDDIN'.

OH, SHE'S SO HOT, BRO.

[WHISPERS]
On fire.

OH, AND SHE TOTALLY
WORKS OUT, TOO, BRO.

SHE'S SO ATHLETIC.
[SIGHS]

I--I WAS GRABBIN'
HER ASS

ON THE WAY IN HERE,

AND SHE WAS
TOTALLY DIGGIN' IT.

I CAN'T FUCKIN'
BELIEVE THIS.

YOU SHOW UP
WITH A BOMBSHELL,

AND I GET STOOD UP.

WHAT'S HER NAME?

OH, THAT'S
THE BEST PART.

THIS IS CANDY.

ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?

SHE'S A KNOCKOUT.

YOU KNOW, I TOLD YOU TO
WEAR SOMETHING SEXY,

AND...YOU DID.
YOU REALLY DID.

♪ SHE'S GOT EYES SO DRY

♪ AND A FACE LIKE A MAGNET

Rachel: NOW, CAN WE PLEASE
SIT DOWN? I'M STARVING.

Zig: ABSOLUTELY. PLEASE,

I'VE GOT A NICE TABLE
FOR YOU BACK HERE.

OH, HEY, UH, ZIG,
YOU KNOW WHERE DAVID IS?

HE'S FIXIN' HIS HAIR,
AS USUAL.

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND HIM.

UH, LADIES,
I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU, UH,
FOLLOW ZIG TO THE TABLE,

ORDER SOME COCKTAILS,
AND, UH,

WE'LL GO FIND DAVID AND
BE RIGHT WITH YOU, OK?

Girls: OK.

ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART.

HOW YOU BEEN, RACHEL?

GO AHEAD.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[BOTH LAUGH]

OH, IT'S BEEN SO LONG
SINCE I'VE HAD ANY, MAN.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT MY FIRST TIME
TO THE PLATE IN 6 MONTHS

AND I GET TO CONNECT
WITH SOMEONE LIKE HER.

WHOO! HA!

[LAUGHS]
HUH? HUH?

W-W-WAIT A SECOND.
6 MONTHS?

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THAT THE CHICK

YOU WERE DATING
FOR A COUPLE WEEKS?

UH...
[SNAPS FINGERS]

OH, SHIT. YEAH, RIGHT.
W-WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

THAT, UH, UM, RIGHT.
THE STARBUCKS--

THAT STARBUCKS CHICK.
HEATHER.

HEATHER? I--I DON'T
REALLY RECALL HEATHER.

COME ON, ROMEO.

DON'T PLAY STUPID
WITH US.

SHE'S ALL YOU EVER
TALKED ABOUT

FOR A WEEK FOR
CHRISSAKES, MAN.

OH! OH,
THAT HEATHER.

RIGHT.
THAT HEATHER, YEAH.

SHE DIDN'T,
UH, RETURN MY CALLS.

OH.
WHY, WHAT'D YOU DO?

NOTHING...

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE
DONE SOMETHING.

[SIGHS]

I KNOW. YOU MADE HER
PAY FOR HALF THE BILL,

DIDN'T YOU,
YOU CHEAP FUCKER?

OH, YOU'RE SUCH A JEW.

NO, THAT WASN'T IT.
I PAID.

THAT'S
A MIRACLE.

DONALD TRUMP
OVER HERE

ACTUALLY PICKED
UP A FRAPPUCCINO.

WAIT, WAIT,
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

YOU PUT ON ONE OF THOSE,
UH, TRACK SUITS

AND YOUR FAKE
GOLD MEDALLION,

AND YOU TRIED
TO PAWN YOURSELF OFF

AS ONE OF THOSE
ISRAELI GANGSTERS, RIGHT?

HOW MANY TIMES
I GOTTA TELL YA?

JUST--JUST--
JUST BE YOURSELF.

NO, I DIDN'T
DO THAT ONE, EITHER,

BUT THANKS.

YOU SAID IT,
DIDN'T YOU?

WHAT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU SAID IT AGAIN.

NOT AGAIN.

SAID WHAT?

YOU SAID "I LOVE YOU"
ON THE FIRST DATE.

WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

NO, I DIDN'T.

OF COURSE YOU DID.
LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKIN' LIAR.
LOOK AT YOU.

FINE. IT MIGHT HAVE
JUST SLIPPED OUT.

SLIPPED OUT.
[LAUGHS]

BRETT, BRETT,
GIRLS DO NOT

WANNA HEAR THAT SHIT
ON THE FIRST DATE.

I MEAN, YOU'RE LUCKY
SHE DIDN'T FILE

A RESTRAINING ORDER
AGAINST YOU, YOU PUTZ.

LISTEN,

WE WERE
AT STARBUCKS,

AND IT HAPPENED.

I--I--I JUST
FELL IN LOVE, OK?

I MEAN, I--I HOPED
THAT YOU GUYS

WOULD BE HAPPY
FOR ME.

YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH THE IDEA
OF SCREWIN' HER BRAINS OUT.

YOU GOTTA LEARN HOW TO TELL
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO.

YOU GOTTA DIFFERENTIATE.

YEAH, DIFFERENTIATE.

MIKE, MIKE. LOOK,

GO EASY ON HIM,
ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, UH, HEATHER,

THAT--THAT--THAT'S
A LITTLE GIRL,

BUT, UH, CANDY,
I MEAN,

COME ON, MAN.
THAT'S A WOMAN.

THAT'S MORE
THAN A WOMAN.

Jennifer: SO, RACHEL,
HOW IS SCHOOL GOING?

IT'S GOING WELL.
I MEAN, IT'S HARD WORK,

BUT I'M LEARNING A LOT.
WELL, OF COURSE,

I DON'T GET TO SEE MIKE
AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE.

IT SEEMS EVERY TIME
I HAVE A SPARE MINUTE,

HE'S OFF SOMEWHERE,
DOWN A COUPLE OF DIMES

AND JUST HAS TO BREAK
EVEN, OR ELSE, YOU KNOW?

I'VE STOPPED ASKING CORY
WHAT'S GOING ON ALTOGETHER,

AND WE HAVE BEEN
SO MUCH HAPPIER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE
GETTING SO WORKED UP FOR.

IT MUST BE THE PRIDE,
BECAUSE IT CAN'T BE THE MONEY.

I MEAN, THEY BET, LIKE,
A DIME ON THIS GAME,

A NICKEL ON THAT GAME.
I MEAN, ONCE I WAS, LIKE,

"CORY, JUST TAKE MY WHOLE
JAR OF QUARTERS AND GO DOWN

AND PAY THE BOOKIE OFF
ONCE AND FOR ALL

AND BE DONE WITH IT."

HE JUST GAVE ME
THE MEANEST LOOK

AND TOLD ME
THAT I DID NOT UNDERSTAND.

[DEEP VOICE LAUGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

OH, SHIT!
OH, SHIT!

I LOVE THIS SHOW!

David: YOU GUYS REMEMBER
WHEN T.J.

USED TO PUT HIS HAT
ON BACKWARDS?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS
DOIN' BACK HERE?

I'M STARVING.

HEY, LISTEN,
WE'RE CONSOLING DAVID.

HE GOT STOOD UP TONIGHT.

YEAH, SHE GOT STUCK
IN AN ELEVATOR.

Cory: MAN, WHY CAN'T THEY
MAKE 'EM LIKE THIS ANYMORE?

YOU KNOW, LIKE,
UH, THE WHITE SHADOW

OR--OR--OR SHAZAM?
REMEMBER SHAZAM?

CORY, CORY, CORY,
CORY, CORY,

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKIN' ABOUT?

SHAZAMWAS LAME.

HE LIVED IN
A FUCKIN' WINNEBAGO.

YEAH, BUT HE WAS COOL.

NO, HE WASN'T.

HE WAS A FUCKED UP
SUPERHERO.

YOU'RE A FUCKED UP
SUPERHERO.

YEAH, WELL, I DON'T LIVE
IN A WINNEBAGO, OK?

YOU GUYS DIDN'T
EAT ALREADY, DID YOU?

HEY, RELAX, RACHEL.
I'LL LAY 3 TO 1

YOU AND JENNIFER HAVEN'T
FINISHED YOUR COCKTAILS YET.

YOU KNOW WHAT, CORY?

I'D REALLY LOVE
TO TELL JENNIFER

THAT SHE'S LIVING IN DENIAL
ABOUT YOUR GAMBLING HABIT,

BUT I'M AFRAID THAT
SHE WOULD JUST THINK

I WAS REFERRING
TO THE RIVER IN EGYPT.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
SHE'S NEVER HEARD OF EGYPT.

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT,
MARGE?

I'M JUST GONNA
HAVE A SALAD.

OH, YEAH. ME, TOO.

YEAH, I'M, UH, TRYIN' TO EAT
HEALTHIER THESE DAYS.

MAKE IT, UH, MAKE IT 3,
MARGE, WOULD YA?

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE,
HONEY?

HELLO.

HI, I--I WAS
HERE LAST WEEK,

AND I SPOKE
TO THIS OLDER MAN.

HE TOLD ME
TO FILL THIS OUT

AND GIVE IT TO
SOMEONE NAMED DAVID.

IS THAT YOU?

YEAH, I'M DAVID.
IS THAT A JOB APPLICATION?

YEAH, IT SURE IS.

SARA. THAT'S
MY FAVORITE NAME.

[LAUGHS]

SARA, LET ME
ASK YOU A QUESTION.

UH, DO YOU HAVE
A BOYFRIEND?

NO.

HMM...

AND, UH,
IF YOU WERE TO WORK HERE

AND I WAS TO MAKE
A PASS AT YOU,

WOULD YOU SUE
FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT?

NO.

YOU'RE HIRED.

LISTEN,
UH, WHERE YOU FROM?

VIRGINIA.
VIRGINIA,

AND WHY DID
YOU MOVE HERE?

I'M AN ACTRESS.

OF COURSE YOU ARE.
NOW LISTEN, YOUR FIRST JOB

IS GONNA BE IN THE DINNER
THEATER TONIGHT.

YOU'RE PLAYING
THE ROLE OF THE GIRL

WHO'S SUPPOSED
TO BE MY DATE.

WHEN WE GET TO THE TABLE,
JUST BE VERY SORRY

AND MAKE UP SOME STUPID STORY
AS TO WHY YOU WERE LATE, OK?

WHAT'S IT PAY?

ANYTHING ON THE MENU,
BEST CHAMPAGNE IN THE HOUSE.

DEAL.

I'LL JUST, UH,
HAVE A SALAD, MARGE.

I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.
[CLEARS THROAT]

I'D LIKE THE, UH,
FILET MIGNON, MEDIUM,

AND I'LL HAVE
A CAESAR SALAD

AND THE CALAMARI
TO START.

ANYTHING TO DRINK?

A GLASS OF CHIANTI
WILL BE FINE, THANKS.

I AM SO SORRY I'M LATE.
I HAD THE HARDEST TIME

GETTING OUT
OF MY OFFICE BUILDING.

THERE WAS
A POWER OUTAGE,

AND I GOT STUCK
IN THE ELEVATOR.

[LAUGHS]

[CLICKS]

♪ I DON'T HAVE A LIFE

♪ TO GIVE YOU ON THIS DAY,
BUT I ♪

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

WATCHIN' THE SUN RISE.

OH, YEAH.
IT'S VERY NICE.

WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS
WHO WERE THE GUYS

WHO ORIGINALLY THOUGHT THAT
THIS WAS GONNA BE A GOOD IDEA?

YEAH, 'CAUSE,
YOU KNOW, I GOTTA

TELL YA, THAT'S ABOUT
THE UGLIEST THING

I'VE EVER SEEN
IN MY LIFE, I THINK.

YEAH, BUT SEE, IT'S
CHEESY STUFF LIKE THIS

THAT MAKES THIS PLACE,
YOU KNOW?

KINDA LIKE DISCO.
LIKE, IT'S SO BAD

THAT WHEN IT COMES BACK
AROUND, IT'S GOOD AGAIN,

YOU KNOW?
MMM.

KINDA LIKE YOU.

♪ YOU WERE ALWAYS
GIVIN' ME ♪

♪ MORE THAN ENOUGH

WOULD YOU PLEASE
TELL ME

WHY YOU INSIST
ON TAKIN' A SHIT

WITH THE DOOR OPEN
ALL THE TIME?

WHAT'S THE MATTER,
YOU CLAUSTROPHOBIC?

WELL, MAYBE THAT
HAS TO DO WITH THIS

BEING THE SMALLEST SHITTER
ON PLANET EARTH, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NO LEG ROOM IN HERE,

AND, UH, AND WHAT'S WITH
THIS TOILET PAPER HERE?

IT'S LIKE FUCKIN'
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? TALK
TO MY DAD, WOULD YA?

JESUS CHRIST. I MEAN,
EVERY TIME I WALK IN HERE,

I FEEL LIKE A MIDGET
BUILT THE PLACE, YOU KNOW?

EVERY TIME I OPEN THE DOOR,
I FEEL LIKE BILLY BARTY

OR HERVE VILLACHEZ
IS GONNA COME RUNNIN' OUT.

IT'S CREEPY.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT'S
CREEPY IS THAT SMELL

YOU GOT COMIN' OUT
OF YOUR ASS. JESUS.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
CANDY?

YES, BRETT?

I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER
FELT LIKE THIS

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

ME, EITHER, BRETT.

[SIGHS]
AND CANDY?

YES, BRETT?

GOD, IT'S SUCH
A SEXY NAME.

I'M THE KINDA GUY

THAT BELIEVES IN FOLLOWING
HIS INSTINCTS.

ME, TOO, BRETT.

I SWEAR TO GOD.
YOU'RE LIKE DOUG HENNING.

WHERE DID YOU PULL
THAT CHICK, OUT OF A HAT?

SHE'S A SWEETHEART,
ISN'T SHE?

SHE'S TERRIFIC.
UH, SHE GOT A SISTER?

YEAH, SHE DOES,

BUT YOU WOULDN'T
LIKE HER. SHE CAN READ.

[LAUGHS]
VERY FUNNY.

VERY FUNNY.
WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK

I COULD, UH, DATE A BROAD
WHO'S INTELLECTUAL?

YEAH, I KNOW
YOU COULDN'T

DATE A BROAD
WHO'S INTELLECTUAL.

IT WOULD MAKE YOU
FUCKIN' MENTAL, MAN.

YOU KNOW, I--I--I WISH
I WAS LIKE YOU, THOUGH.

I REALLY DO.
I WISH I COULD

STAND TO BE WITH
A GIRL LIKE JENNIFER

BECAUSE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,
AND SHE'S SWEET,

AND SHE'S NICE, AND SHE
TAKES CARE OF YOU.

I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHIN'S
WRONG WITH ME, MAN.

I NEED TO BE
WITH THESE WOMEN

WHO ARE SMART AND QUICK
AND CALL ME ON MY SHIT

AND DON'T TAKE
ANY OF MINE.

YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

[LAUGHS]
YOU'RE SO FUCKED UP.

YOU KNOW, YOU SPEND

SO MUCH TIME HANGIN'
AROUND WITH YOUR FRIENDS

THAT YOU FORGET
THAT YOUR BEST FRIEND

SPENDS MOST OF HER TIME
WAITING AROUND FOR YOU.

I MEAN, THESE GUYS...

THEY CAN'T DO WHAT YOU DO,

AND YOU CARRY THEM.

YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME
SAVING THEIR ASSES

THAT YOU FORGET TO WATCH
OUT FOR YOURSELF.

SO, UH, YOU TAKIN'

THE, UH, LAKER GAME
TOMORROW NIGHT?

ARE YOU FUCKIN'
KIDDIN' ME?

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE
FUCKIN' KIDDIN' ME.

MOTHERFUCKER.
IF IT WASN'T

FOR BRETT
AND FUCKIN' MIKE,

YOUR ASS WOULD BE

PUSHIN' UP DAISIES
RIGHT NOW.

JESUS,
I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU'D FUCKIN'
DO THAT TO THEM.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

NO ONE WOULD TAKE
YOUR ACTION, ANYWAY.

I'M JUST ASKIN'.

FINE, FINE, FINE.
THE LAKERS ARE LAYIN' 8.

DID YOU PLAY IT?

OF COURSE I PLAYED IT.
LAKERS ARE A LOCK.

WELL, YOU MIGHT
WANT TO, UH,

REMEMBER THAT THEY'RE
PLAYING IN DENVER TOMORROW.

WE GOTTA TAKE THE, UH,
ALTITUDE IN CONSIDERATION.

THE LAKERS COULD GET
A LITTLE WINDED.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE ONLY PERSON

GETTIN' WINDED
OUT HERE IS ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
HAVE THE DOCTOR

CHECK YOUR FUCKIN'
COLON,

YOU STINKY
MOTHERFUCKER.

AH, YOU LOVE IT.

HEY! COME ON,
THIS ISN'T FUNNY!

WILL YOU TURN
THE LIGHTS ON?

BUDDY, PLEASE?!

[PAPER RATTLES,
DIALS CELL PHONE]

HELLO? HEY, UH,

WHERE'D YOU SAY THE LINE
WAS ON THE LAKER GAME?

OH, SO, NOW, I'M CUT OFF?

WHAT, I--I CAN'T ASK
WHAT THE LINE IS?

I TOLD YOU, YOU'LL GET
YOUR MONEY WHEN YOU GET IT,

AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
TOUGH CRACKERS.

GO FUCK YOURSELF!

BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT
TO BE AN ACTRESS?

I MEAN, YOU SEEM
SO MUCH SMARTER THAN THAT.

WHAT? DOES, UH, DOES
EVERY ACTRESS HAVE TO BE

SOME SORT OF EMOTIONAL
BASKET CASE

WHO NEVER REALLY GOT ENOUGH
ATTENTION AS A CHILD?

SOMEONE WITH NO REAL
SELF ESTEEM

AND NO SENSE OF WHO
SHE IS AS A PERSON

AND WHO'S REALLY
ONLY AN ACTRESS

BECAUSE SHE'S
DESPERATELY SEARCHING

FOR SOMEONE TO GRANT HER
SOME SORT OF VALIDATION

BY TELLING HER
HOW GOOD SHE IS

OR HOW PRETTY SHE IS?

SO, YOU'RE FAMILIAR
WITH THE BEAST?

ALL TOO WELL. I HAVE TO DEAL
WITH THE STEREOTYPE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S AMAZING YOU
HAVE SUCH GREAT PERSPECTIVE.

I MEAN, YOU MUST BE
SECRETLY WEIRD OR SOMETHING.

YOU, UM, YOU HAVE A FATHER
WHO KILLS CEREAL MAYBE?

[LAUGHS] NO. UM...

I--I BASICALLY COME FROM
A REALLY HEALTHY FAMILY.

MY PARENTS
ARE STILL TOGETHER.

I, UH, WAS NEVER BEATEN
OR MOLESTED AS A CHILD.

UH, I'VE NEVER BEEN
FUCKED OVER BY A GUY,

SO I'M NOT BITTER,

AND I DON'T SMOKE
OR DO DRUGS.

AND YOU CALL YOURSELF
AN ACTRESS.

I THOUGHT THOSE THINGS
WERE PREREQUISITES.

ARE YOU ANY GOOD?

NO, REALLY, I MEAN,
I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO HAVE

ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP
EXPERIENCES TO DRAW ON.

SEE, I DON'T THINK
YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKED UP

IN ORDER TO PLAY SOMEONE
WHO'S FUCKED UP.

THAT'S WHY
THEY CALL IT "ACTING."

OTHERWISE, IT WOULD
BE CALLED "REALITY."

I NEVER THOUGHT
OF IT THAT WAY.

YOU RAISE A VERY GOOD
POINT THERE.

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE
SOME VICES. EVERYBODY DOES.

YOU MUST, UH, I KNOW.
YOU'RE ONE

OF THOSE CLOSET
HEALTH FREAKS, AREN'T YOU?

NOTHIN' BUT WHEAT GERM

AND HIGH COLONICS
4 TIMES A WEEK?

COFFEE COLONICS ON WEEKENDS
WHEN YOU'RE FEELIN' NUTTY?

[LAUGHS]
NO.

I KNOW WHAT
YOU MEAN, THOUGH.

I--I DO HAVE
A COUPLE OF THINGS.

LIKE WHAT?

WELL, I THINK I ENJOY SEX
A LITTLE TOO MUCH,

AND I LOVE TO GAMBLE.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN THIS?
[SNAP]

YES, BRETT.

[SIGHS]
DO YOU THINK WE HAVE THIS?

[SNAP]
YES, BRETT.

[WHISPERS]
Cory, Cory, Cory, Cory.

I THINK THAT
THERE'S SOMETHING

A LITTLE BIT STRANGE GOING
ON WITH THAT CANDY GIRL.

REALLY?
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

I MEAN, SHE SEEMS REALLY
NICE AND EVERYTHING,

AND I'M SURE THAT IT'S
PROBABLY JUST MY IMAGINATION,

BECAUSE SHE HAD HER HAND

BETWEEN BRETT'S LEGS
ALL NIGHT LONG,

BUT I COULD HAVE SWORN

THAT WHEN I GOT UP
FROM THE TABLE,

THAT SHE GRABBED MY ASS.

REALLY?

I MEAN, I KNOW THERE'S
WILD GIRLS AND STUFF,

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW

THAT BRETT WAS INTO
THAT KIND OF THING.

HUH, ME, NEITHER.
BESIDES...

NO ONE GRABS YOUR ASS
WHEN I'M NOT AROUND.

OH, MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

ARE YOU FEELING
WHAT I'M FEELING?

YES, BRETT.

OH...

THEN CANDY--GOSH,
I REALLY LOVE YOUR NAME--

DO YOU LIVE NEARBY?

RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

AND DID YOU PAY
FOR YOUR PART OF THE CHECK?

I PAID FOR BOTH OF US.

OH! THEN CANDY...

YES, BRETT?

I...I...I THINK
I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, BRETT.

IT'S A DUDE!
AAH!

IT'S A DUDE!
IT'S A DUDE!

BRETT'S KISSING
A DUDE!

[LAUGHING]

AND YOU SAY
NOTHING GOOD

EVER HAPPENS
ON A MONDAY NIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S
A HELL OF A WAY

TO KEEP FROM BUYING
DRINKS, BRETT.

YEAH, NO SHIT.

I GUESS, TECHNICALLY,
YOU DID HAVE A DATE,

SO YOU ARE OFF THE HOOK.

FUCK YOU, GUYS.
I DIDN'T KNOW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!

TELL YOU? YOU COULD
HAVE SHAVED HER

FROM A MILE AWAY.

SHE LOOKED LIKE
CHARLIE BRONSON.

DIDN'T YOU SEE
THE ADAM'S APPLE?

OBVIOUSLY NOT!

ALWAYS A DEAD GIVEAWAY.

ALWAYS LOOK
FOR THE ADAM'S APPLE.

YOU GUYS
ARE SUCH ASSHOLES!

HE WAS A HELL
OF A KISSER, THOUGH.

OH, FOR CHRISSAKE.

SO'S YOUR FATHER.

WHERE ARE THE GIRLS?

THEY'RE
IN THE BATHROOM.

ALL 3 OF 'EM?

WELL, YOU KNOW
CHICKS.

FOR THEM,
IT'S A GROUP THING.

David: YES, IT IS.

OH, SH--

Clyde: FUCK ME, CORY?

NO, FUCK YOU.

"CLYDE, I'M VERY SORRY,"

"CLYDE, I NEED MORE TIME,"

I COULD UNDERSTAND,
BUT "FUCK YOU" IS SO...

INAPPROPRIATE.

YOU KNOW, GUYS,

THIS IS MY FATHER'S
PLACE OF BUSINESS.

I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA
HAVE TO ASK YOU TO--

OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!

NOW, YOUR FRIEND HERE OWES
ME A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY,

AND RIGHT NOW HE'S BEING
AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT.

SO EITHER YOU FIGURE OUT
A WAY TO MAKE THIS RIGHT,

OR HE'S GOING TO HAVE
TO COME WITH ME.

BUDDY, PLEASE...

LOOK, I GOT A SOLUTION
FOR ALL THIS, OK?

BOTH BRETT AND I HIT
JOEY CALDERA LAST NIGHT

FOR 7,600 A PIECE.

NOW, THAT'S IF OUR HORSES
DIDN'T COME IN.

IF THEY DID, IT'S
A HELL OF A LOT MORE.

BUT I HAPPEN TO KNOW
THAT CHATSWORTH

PAYS OUT ON WEDNESDAY,
AND TODAY IS MONDAY.

OF COURSE YOU'LL
HELP YOUR FRIENDS.

JEWS, YOU STICK
TOGETHER.

BUT THAT'S REALLY
NOT GONNA HELP ME.

I NEED SOMETHING NOW,
AND I'M SORRY,

BUT THE WORD
OF A GAMBLER

RELYING ON THE PAYMENT
OF A SECOND-RATE BOOK

TO COVER
THE TRANSFER OF DEBT

FROM A FIRST-RATE
DEGENERATE...

WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE,

THERE ARE FAR
TOO MANY VARIABLES.

I HAVE HIM NOW.

HE'S MY COLLATERAL.

OUCH!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
TAKE MY CAR.

IF I DON'T PAY YOU BACK
BY THE END OF THE WEEK,

YOU CAN KEEP IT.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU
GOT PAID WEDNESDAY.

IT'S A $50,000 CAR,
TERRENCE.

IF JOEY C. DOESN'T
COME UP WITH THE MONEY

BY WEDNESDAY,

MICHAEL WILL WANT
AT LEAST 48 HOURS

TO COME UP WITH IT
SOMEWHERE ELSE.

HE'S NOT GONNA GIVE IT
UP THAT EASILY.

HE'S NOT STUPID.

DO IT. SHOOT 'EM.

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR CAR
FOR NOW, MICHAEL.

I'LL FADE YOU MYSELF
TILL FRIDAY.

IF I DON'T GET MY MONEY
THEN, YOUR CAR IS MINE.

IF YOU GIVE ME
ANY PROBLEMS

REGARDING THIS MATTER,

I WON'T SEND
ANYONE ELSE FOR YOU.

I'LL COME MYSELF.

HIS DEBT'S NOW YOURS.

GOOD LIKENESS
OF YOU, AIN'T IT?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

NO, I-I'M FINE,
MAN.

UH, WHAT'S
GOING ON?

Mike: THE NEXT DAY,
WE HAD PROBLEMS.

THERE WAS GOOD NEWS
AND THERE WAS BAD NEWS.

THE GOOD NEWS WAS
BRETT AND I HIT OUR HORSES

AND WE HIT 'EM BIG--

CLOSE TO 16,000 APIECE,
AND THAT'S NOT COUNTING

THE 7,600 WE WON
ON BASEBALL.

THE BAD NEWS WAS
JOEY C. HAD DISAPPEARED

AND NOBODY KNEW
WHERE HE WAS.

YOU SEE, TOGETHER
BRETT AND I HIT JOEY C.

FOR ALMOST 50 GRAND,
AND WHEN YOU

PLAY A SMALLER-SIZED
BOOK LIKE THIS,

YOU DON'T REALLY
HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT GETTING YOUR LEGS
BROKEN IF YOU LOSE,

BUT YOU MAY HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT GETTING PAID
IF YOU WIN.

Mike: NOBODY KNOWS
WHERE HE IS.

NOBODY CAN FIND HIM.

[SIGHS]

I CAN'T BELIEVE JOEY'S
DUCKIN' US, MAN.

HE DOESN'T HAVE THE MONEY.

YEAH, I KNOW HE DOESN'T
HAVE THE MONEY.

[SIGHS]

WHY DO I ALWAYS
DO THIS TO MYSELF?

BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE IT
ANY OTHER WAY.

WHAT?

YOU WOULDN'T BE HAPPY
UNLESS YOU WERE

SHOULDERING THE WEIGHT
OF THE WORLD

FOR EVERYBODY ELSE.

IT'S YOUR PATHOLOGY.

I THINK YOU'VE BEEN
HANGING OUT

WITH YOUR LITTLE ACTRESS
FRIEND TOO LONG, BUDDY.

MAYBE SO, BUT AT LEAST
SHE'S NOT A MAN.

[LAUGHING]

CORY HASN'T CALLED?

NO. I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

I HOPE HE DOESN'T
DO ANYTHING STUPID.

YOU KNOW, IT'S GOING
TO TAKE YOU A WHILE

TO LIVE THAT DOWN.

PROBABLY, UH...
20, 30 YEARS.

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

AND I LOOK FORWARD
TO TALKING ABOUT IT

WITH YOU EVERY DAY.

OH, YOU WILL.
WE'LL MAKE SURE OF THAT.

WHERE'S CORY?

HE WASN'T AT WORK,

HE WASN'T
AT HOLLYWOOD PARK.

HE HASN'T EVEN
BEEN HOME YET.

I DON'T WANNA
SAY I'M WORRIED,

BUT...I'M WORRIED.

YOU DON'T THINK
CLYDE GOT HIM?

NO. CLYDE'S A PSYCHO,
BUT HE'S NOT A LIAR.

HE WOULDN'T GO BACK
ON HIS WORD.

WE'VE GOT TILL FRIDAY.

MAYBE HE GOT
A SEX CHANGE OPERATION

AND HE'S TRYING TO BLEND
INTO SOCIETY AS A WOMAN.

YEAH. MAYBE BRETT
COULD DATE HIM.

WOULDN'T BE
THE FIRST MAN HE DATED.

HA HA. YOU GUYS
ARE SO HILARIOUS,

YOU KNOW THAT?

ANYWAY, WHAT ARE
WE GONNA DO?

WELL, IF WORSE
COMES TO WORSE

AND WE HAVEN'T HEARD
FROM JOEY C. BY FRIDAY,

I'M NOT GONNA LET CLYDE
TAKE YOUR CAR.

I'LL PAY HIM WITH THE MONEY
MY GRANDPARENTS GAVE ME,

AND CORY'LL OWE ME.

HEH. YEAH, YOU'LL
SEE THAT NEVER.

HE'S GOOD FOR IT.

WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT.

I COVER CORY,
YOU COVER ME,

YOUR 50 GRAND
IS DOWN TO 35,

THE REST OF US
ARE FUCKIN' BROKE...

Cory: HEY, RELAX.

YOU'RE GONNA GIVE
YOURSELF A CORONARY.

WHERE THE FUCK
HAVE YOU BEEN?

WHERE THE FUCK
HAVE YOU BEEN?

WELL,
IT'S A LONG STORY.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD
REALLY GET STARTED--

WE'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.

OH, FOR YOUR MEASLY 46K?

CHILL. CAN'T
A BROTHER GO TO VEGAS

WITHOUT CHECKING IN WITH
HIS FUCKIN' DEGENERATES

FOR ONE DAY?

YOU WENT TO VEGAS?

Bre TOGETHER?

Mike: AND YOU CAME BACK
WITH MONEY.

LOTS OF MONEY--WELL
AT LEAST I DID.

CORY STILL CAN'T
HOLD ONTO A CENT,

YO, BUT THAT'S
NOT HIS FAULT.

MOTHERFUCKER'S
VOODOO.

NOT FOR LONG.

THAT'S RIGHT. 'CAUSE
IF THERE'S ANYBODY

ON THE FACE OF THE
EARTH THAT'S DUE,

IT'S MY BOY
RIGHT HERE.

David: YEAH, I HATE
TO ADMIT IT,

BUT I GOTTA AGREE
WITH HIM ON THIS ONE.

NOT ONLY THAT,
I ALSO FIGURED A WAY

FOR US TO GET
OUR SPORTS BAR

AND HIT THAT SON OF A BITCH
CLYDE ONCE AND FOR ALL.

Bre OOH, THIS
I WANNA HEAR.

YO, YOU WANT ME
TO EXPLAIN?

PLEASE, VANILLA,
ALLOW ME.

SEE, IT, UH, ALL STARTED
AFTER I LEFT LAST NIGHT.

DAVID, YOU ALL RIGHT?
YOU OK?

NO, I'M--I'M
FINE, MAN.

LISTEN, CAN YOU
DO ME A FAVOR? TAKE--

NO, NO. COULD YOU
DO ME A FAVOR

AND TAKE JENNIFER HOME?

[FOOTSTEPS]

BUT CORY!

I JUST WANNA
BE ALONE NOW, OK?

I'M SORRY, BUDDY.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[REVS ENGINE]

Cory: AND I JUST DROVE.

I WAS LIKE THE DRIVING GUMP.

I DROVE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WAS
OR WHAT I WAS DOING,

TILL FINALLY I LOOKED UP
AND I SAW THAT I WAS IN...

Bre VEGAS?

NO, ANAHEIM.

IT WAS THEN I REALIZED IT WAS
ALMOST 2:00 IN THE MORNING,

SO I PULLED INTO A HOTEL
FOR LAST CALL.

I DRANK ALONE
AT THE END OF THE BAR

AND READ THE NEWSPAPER,

TRYING TO GET MY MIND OFF
HOW MISERABLE I FELT.

BUT AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT,
IT WAS A LOCAL PAPER,

AND IN ANAHEIM
ALL THEY TALK ABOUT

IS HOW TO BE
UPTIGHT AND WHITE.

SO I TURNED
TO THE SPORTS SECTION...

AND THERE IT WAS.

THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS
ARE IN TOWN

PLAYING THE ANAHEIM ANGELS
THIS WEEK,

AND MATT REED HAS BEEN MOVED
INTO THE STARTING ROTATION.

HE'S SCHEDULED TO MAKE HIS FIRST
MAJOR LEAGUE START,

FRIDAY AT 7:30 P.M.

GET THE FUCK
OUT OF HERE.

YEAH, BUT HOW DOES
THAT HELP US?

HEY. HEY, CHIEF,
COME HERE.

SEE THIS GUY
RIGHT HERE?

I KNOW HIM!
I MEAN, WE USED TO GO

TO FUCKIN' SCHOOL
TOGETHER.

GUY'S A GOOD FRIEND
OF MINE.

OH, YEAH?

YOU SHOULD GO
SAY HELLO, MAN.

THE GUY'S JUST SITTIN'
RIGHT OVER THERE.

AND SO THE BARTENDER POINTS

TO THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE BAR,

AND THERE...THERE
SITTING BY HIMSELF

HAVING A DRINK AT 2:00
IN THE MORNING IS MATT REED.

AND THAT'S WHEN
IT HITS ME...

THE WHOLE IDEA,
THE WHOLE PLAN,

THE WAY I COULD
REDEEM MYSELF

AND WE COULD CHANGE
OUR LIVES FOREVER.

David: OH, MY GOD.

DON'T TELL ME.

YO, A BET FOR THE AGES,

FIXED BY THE BIGGEST
JINX OF ALL TIME.

SO I CALLED JOEY C.

I NEEDED A BOOKIE
FOR MY PLAN TO WORK--

ONE I COULD TRUST,

AND ONE WITH BALLS ENOUGH
TO PULL IT OFF.

Joey: NOW, CONSIDERING
THE SOURCE,

NATURALLY YOU CAN
IMAGINE MY QUALMS.

HOWEVER, THE POTENTIAL
UPSIDE TO THIS SITUATION

WAS SIGNIFICANT ENOUGH
TO WARRANT MY ATTENTION.

I THOUGHT I WAS
GONNA KILL HIM

FOR DRAGGIN' ME
ALL THE WAY DOWN THERE

LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT

ON SOME BULLSHIT STORY,

BUT THEN THE MOST
AMAZING THING HAPPENED.

MATT REED.

IT'S CORY.
REMEMBER ME?

HEY, CORY.
HOW YOU DOIN'?

OK, MAN!

HE HATED ME.
ALL THOSE YEARS

OF PUNISHMENT I GAVE HIM
IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND HE DIDN'T FORGET
ONE MOMENT OF IT.

YOU WANT A BEER
OR SOMETHING?

AH, NO.
YOU SURE?

YOU SURE?
COME ON. HEY, CHUCK,

WILL YOU BRING
A BEER FOR HIM?

YO, YO, HE OPENED
HIS MOUTH,

AND THE MOST AMAZING
BULLSHIT CAME OUT.

FIRST, HE SAID
HE WAS SORRY

FOR WHAT AN ASSHOLE
HE WAS BACK IN SCHOOL,

BUT THAT IT REALLY
WASN'T HIS FAULT

BECAUSE HE CAME
FROM A BROKEN HOME.

THEN HE HAD TOLD HIM

HE HAD BEEN
A MILLIONAIRE...

HE EXPLAINED HOW
HIS BUSINESSES FAILED...

HOW HIS WIFE LEFT HIM...

AND HOW HE HAD
BEATEN CANCER.

AND HOW HIS SON
HAD BOUGHT IT.

THEY TALKED FOR HOURS.

AND WHEN IT WAS ALL
OVER, HE HAD CLOSED HIM.

SOMEHOW, CORY CONVINCED
MATT THAT HIS LIFE

WAS IN MATT'S HANDS
AND MATT COULD SAVE IT

AND TURN IT ALL AROUND
FOR HIM

IF HE COULD
ONLY HELP DETERMINE

THE OUTCOME OF ONE GAME.

ONE SIMPLE GAME
OF BASEBALL.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

FRIDAY NIGHT
MATT REED IS GONNA

GET LIT UP LIKE
A CHRISTMAS TREE, ISN'T HE?

I DIDN'T SAY IT. YOU DID.

BUT WHAT ABOUT
HIS CAREER?

HE'S GONNA LOOK
LIKE SHIT

THROWING GRAPEFRUITS
DOWN THE MIDDLE

OF THE PLATE
ALL NIGHT.

CHILL. IT'S ONLY
ONE START.

AND HE'S A ROOKIE.

IT'LL BE HIS FIRST TIME
OUT OF THE GATE.

A LOT OF YOUNG PLAYERS
GET HAMMERED

THEIR FIRST TIME OUT.

PLUS, WE'RE GONNA
TAKE CARE OF HIM, TOO.

GONNA GIVE HIM A NICE,
BIG, FAT ENVELOPE

AND MAKE HIM A PARTNER
OF MVPs.

YOU REALLY DID
SELL HIM, DIDN'T YOU?

HE ALWAYS WANTED
TO BE ONE OF US.

I CAN'T IMAGINE
IT WAS THAT HARD.

HEY, WHAT THE FUCK?

HEY, YOU GUYS
ARE ACTING LIKE

I'M MAKING HIM WALK
SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD,

FOR CHRISSAKES.

COME ON, I'M GIVING YOU
OUR DREAMS

ON A SILVER PLATTER HERE,

AND YOU GUYS
ARE ACTING LIKE

SOMEBODY JUST
FUCKIN' DIED.

SOMEBODY DID.

HEY, MICHAEL.

YOU LOOKIN'
FOR WORK?

YEAH.

OH, DON'T GIVE ME
A HEART ATTACK.

WHAT'D YOU DO,
GROW UP ON ME?

WHERE'S MICHAEL
WITH THE SMART MOUTH?

THERE'S A PERSON HERE.

AN ACTUAL PERSON.

HMM, MAYBE
I AM GROWING UP.

NO, THAT'D BE
TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR.

YOU QUIT GAMBLING?

I'M THINKIN' ABOUT IT.

KEEP THINKIN'.

HOW'S THAT GIRL
OF YOURS?

SHE'S GOOD, SHE'S GOOD.

I'M THINKIN'
ABOUT MARRYING HER.

WELL, STOP THINKIN'.

SHE'S A GOOD GIRL.

YOU'VE BEEN
WITH HER A LONG TIME.

YOU CONFUSE ME.
YOU KNOW THAT?

I MEAN,
FIRST YOU TELL ME

I SHOULD KEEP THINKING,

NOW I SHOULD
STOP THINKING...

OH, SOME PEOPLE.

THEY HANG AROUND
AND THEY THINK.

AND THEN THEY SIT AROUND
AND THEY TALK.

AND THEN THEY THINK
AND THEY TALK AGAIN,

AND BEFORE THEY KNOW IT THEY'RE
OLD AND THEIR LIFE HAS GONE BY,

AND THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING.

YOU GOTTA DO, SON.

YOU GOTTA DO.

YOU SEE THAT CHRYSLER
OVER THERE?

I PUT AN ENGINE IN IT.

SEE THE FORD?
I PUT A CARBURETOR IN IT.

AND THOSE 2 HUNKS
OF METAL

ARE GONNA BE MOVING
AROUND THIS CITY,

AND THEY ARE GONNA
BE MOVING AROUND

BECAUSE I MADE THEM MOVE.

I DID THIS, I DID THAT.

NOBODY CAN TAKE THAT
AWAY FROM ME.

YOU KNOW HOW
YOU ALWAYS SAID,

"MONEY WON IS TWICE
AS SWEET AS MONEY EARNED"?

WELL, THAT'S BULLSHIT.

IT'S A LIE.

YOU EVER SPEND MONEY
YOU WORKED YOUR ASS OFF FOR?

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

IT'S A GOOD FEELING,

'CAUSE IT MEANT
SOMETHING TO YOU.

'CAUSE YOU EARNED IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD?

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I LOVE YOU. THANKS.

I GOTTA GO DO SOMETHING.

YOU--YOU'RE ALWAYS
IN SUCH A HURRY.

WHY, WHAT ARE YOU,
SEA BISCUIT?

YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE
A HEAD OF HAIR LIKE YOU.

HE'S A GOOD KID, MY KID.

Mike: MY DAD WAS RIGHT.

BUT CORY WAS RIGHT, TOO.

HE HAD HANDED US
THE PERFECT PLAY,

AND WE COULDN'T PASS IT UP.

THIS WOULD BE OUR LAST SHOT,
OUR TICKET TO A LIFE,

AND KNOWING HOW MATT REED
WAS GONNA

LIVE HIS FRIDAY NIGHT
WAS ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW.

CARMINE. JOEY C.
WHAT'S UP?

LISTEN. I GOT
A CLIENT HERE,

HE'S LAYIN'
SOME BIG NUMBERS,

AND I GOTTA
CALL SOME OFF.

YOU WANT SOME?

40 DIMES.

Mike: WE NEEDED JOEY BECAUSE
HE WAS A SMALL-TIME BOOK.

THAT'S WHAT I'M
TALKIN' ABOUT, MY MAN.

AND WHEN SMALL-TIME BOOKS
GET BIG ACTION,

SOMETIMES THEY HAVE
TO CALL OFF A PERCENTAGE

TO A BIGGER BOOK WHO HAS
THE BANKROLL TO COVER IT.

YO, LOWENSTEIN.
WHAT'S UP? JOEY C.

LISTEN, I GOT
MY MAN HERE.

WANTS TO SET UP
AN ACCOUNT WITH YOU.

Mike: AND THEN WE SET UP
DOZENS OF DUMMY ACCOUNTS

UNDER FAKE NAMES
WITH EVERY BOOKIE WE KNEW,

AND JOEY VOUCHED FOR 'EM.

HE LIKES TO PLAY
BIG NUMBERS,

SO I FIGURED I'D
SEND HIM YOUR WAY.

WHAT?

Mike: MEANWHILE,
THE REST OF US

SOLD EVERYTHING WE HAD.

BRETT LIQUIDATED HIS MUTUAL
FUNDS FROM HIS BAR MITZVAH.

CORY SOLD HIS SHARES.

OK, HAIM, WHAT
DO YOU THINK?

DAVID SOLD HIS WATCH.

500, TOPS.

EXCUSE ME?

IT'S NOT A FUGAZI.
IT'S A FUCKIN' ROLI.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
IF WE GO TO THE SAME TEMPLE--

STOP CURSING. IT'S 500.
I GIVE YOU 500.

GET THE FUCK OUT
OF MY PLACE. FUCK YOU.

Mike: AND I SOLD MY CAR.

IN 2 DAYS WE HAD RAISED
OVER $250,000 IN CASH

AND HAD LAID OUT
OVER $300,000 IN ACTION.

BUT SOMEHOW OUR MOODS
WERE LIGHT.

YOU SEE, WE KNEW THERE
WAS NO TURNING BACK,

SO WE JUST DECIDED
TO ENJOY THE MOMENT,

BECAUSE TOMORROW
WE WOULD EITHER BE RICH

AND HAVE EVERYTHING
WE WANTED

OR THIS WOULD BE
OUR LAST SUPPER.

[LAUGHING]

LOOK, ALL I'M
SAYING IS THAT

AFTER TOMORROW,
YOU KNOW,

WE'VE GOTTA LIVE OUR LIVES
SOMEWHAT DIFFERENTLY.

WHAT DO
YOU MEAN?

WELL, GUYS, YOU KNOW,
UP UNTIL NOW

WE'VE BEEN...PRETTY
IRRESPONSIBLE--

YOU COULD SAY.

WITH OUR LIVES,
UH, AND, UH--WELL,

IF WE REALLY WANNA DO
WHAT WE SAY WE WANNA DO,

WELL, THEN, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.

YEAH. AS IN, YOU
CAN'T GO GAMBLING

OUR FUCKIN' BUSINESS
AWAY, CORY.

Mike: YEAH.

YO, HE SHOULD BE
CUT OFF PERMANENTLY.

WELL, WHY ME,
HUH?

HOW COME YOU HAVE
TO SINGLE ME OUT?

YOU NEED TO ASK?

I MEAN, I'M THE ONE
WHO MADE THIS

ALL POSSIBLE
IN THE FIRST PLACE.

NO, NO. YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO GOT US IN TROUBLE

IN THE FIRST PLACE,
YOU FUCKIN' DEGENERATE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT
SHOULDN'T JUST BE CORY.

IT SHOULD BE ALL OF US.

IT'S TOO FUCKIN'
DANGEROUS.

YEAH, YEAH,
I-I AGREE.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

WELL, I MEAN,
MAYBE A--YOU KNOW,

MAYBE A LOTTERY
TICKET

ONCE IN A WHILE

I THINK
IS PROBABLY FAIR...

NOT EVEN BINGO
WITH OLD LADIES, CORY,

'CAUSE THAT'S
HOW IT STARTS.

THAT'S LIKE
A GATEWAY DRUG, BRO.

Mike: YEAH.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU GUYS SHOULD DO?

YOU SHOULD ALL GAMBLE
AMONGST YOURSELVES.

THIS WAY YOU CAN
REGULATE IT.

WELL, HOW THE HELL
DOES THAT HELP US?

YOU'RE A BOOKIE!

NOT WITH ME,
YOU DEGENERATE.

THE 4 OF YOUSE.
YOU KNOW, AFTER TONIGHT,

NO ONE'S GONNA BE ABLE
TO BET WITH ME, ANYWAY.

YO, I'M GONNA BE
A RESTAURATEUR.

GENTLEMEN, MAY TONIGHT
MARK THE CLOSING

OF A VERY COLORFUL,
VERY INSANE,

AND SOMETIMES
VERY FUN CHAPTER

IN OUR LIVES,

AND MARK THE BEGINNING

OF A NEW
AND UNEXPLORED ONE.

HERE, HERE.

OK, I'LL DRINK
TO THAT.

All: CHEERS!

David: L'CHAYIM!

BEN GAZZARA.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE
SHOULD DO TONIGHT? BEN--

YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT
WE SHOULD DO?

WHAT?

WE SHOULD
ENJOY THIS MEAL...

WE SHOULD ENJOY THE COMPANY
OF OUR GOOD FRIENDS...

YES.

AND THEN WE SHOULD
GO HOME

AND GET A GOOD
NIGHT'S SLEEP.

NO PARTYING, NO
STAYING UP ALL NIGHT.

WHY NOT?

All: YEAH!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ GUESS WHO I GOT
IN THE BOAT WITH ME ♪

♪ COURAGE, DRINKS,
STYLE LIFTIN' ME ♪

♪ SHOWIN' ME WHY
I'M IN OVER MY HEAD ♪

LIKE THIS.

SPOCK.

OPEN YOUR SHOULDERS UP,
YOU KNOW. SPOCK.

THEN YOU BRING 'EM IN.
SPOCK.

SO, THERE'S JUST
MORE SHOULDER AND LESS NECK,

REALLY,
IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

SPOCK.

SPOCK.

I INVENTED
THE JEWISH RELIGION.

MINUS 2.

JUST TRY IT. SPOCK,
I WANT YOUR COCK.

SPOCK,
I WANT YOUR COCK.

NO?

YEAH. UM, I'M CALLING
ABOUT THE, UH, MASSAGE.

WELL, IT SAYS RIGHT HERE
IN THE BOOK

THAT THIS IS A, UH,
A MASSAGE SERVICE.

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
OH, OH, OH.

OK, GUYS, LISTEN.

SERIOUSLY, THIS
IS FUCKIN' SERIOUS.

IF WE HIT
THIS MOTHERFUCKER,

WEST PALM BEACH.

THAT'S MY CALL.

MY CALL IS FUCKIN'
WEST PALM BEACH.

NO. FUCK THAT,
MAN.

WHENWE CASH IN,
BUDDY,

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]
WE ARE GOING TO PLAY GOLF.

AND THE FATHERLAND
OF GOLF IS SCOTLAND.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]
OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE,

WHY WOULD WE
GO TO SCOTLAND?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LOOK AT THE SIZE
OF THE MELON ON YOU.

THAT'S WHERE
THEY INVENTED GOLF.

WELL, COULD YOU
TAKE A MESSAGE

THAT I NEED A MASSAGE?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA
DO IF WE LOSE, HUH?

YOU GOTTA RELAX, PAL.

LOOK,
THE HARD PART IS OVER.

ALL WE GOTTA DO NOW
IS SIT BACK AND LET IT HAPPEN.

TRUST ME, IT'S A LOCK.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S
REALLY FUCKIN' EASY

FOR YOU TO SAY, MAN.

HOW MUCH OF YOUR DICK
IS ON THE FUCKIN' TABLE?

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED
TO MEAN?

WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT'S PRETTY FUCKIN'
SIMPLE, ISN'T IT?

IT'S ALWAYS EASIER
TO BET

WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S
MONEY, ISN'T IT?

YOU SHOULD BE FAMILIAR
WITH THAT PHRASE.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU PAID YOUR FUCKIN' TAB

IN MY FUCKIN' JOINT,
MOTHERFUCKER?

HEY, HEY, LOOK.
WAIT A SECOND, OK?

JUST HOLD ON.

I PUT MY ASS ON THE LINE
JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

OH, REALLY? REALLY?
YEAH.

NOBODY FUCKIN'
TWISTED YOUR ARM

TO DO THIS, OK?
FUCK OFF.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE
BETTING YOUR OWN MONEY.

IT'S YOUR FUCKIN'
GRANDPARENTS' MONEY,

SO GIVE ME A BREAK.

FUCK YOU.

WELL, FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!

Bre GUYS, FUCKIN' RELAX.

HELLO? UH,
I'M CALLING FOR CANDY.

UH, CANDY CANE.

THIS IS, UH, THIS IS--
THIS IS CORY.

I'M--I'M BRETT'S FRIEND.

[SOFT ROCK PLAYING]

HI, DAD, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE STILL HERE.

I WASN'T.
I COULDN'T SLEEP,

SO I CAME BACK
TO TALK TO YOU.

DID YOU WANT ME
TO MAKE YOU

A DRINK
OR SOMETHING?

NO.

I CAME HERE TO, UH...

I CAME HERE TO TELL YOU
THAT I LOVE YOU, DAVID.

I KNOW YOU BOYS
ARE TAKING A FLYER TOMORROW.

HOW'D YOU KNOW?

I KNOW EVERYTHING
THAT GOES ON IN MY PLACE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I
KNOW FOR HOW MUCH EXACTLY,

BUT I KNOW IT'S ENOUGH.

AND, UH...

WELL, I REALIZED I
HADN'T TOLD YOU THAT

IN A LONG TIME.

SO I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, DAD.

YOU SURE YOU
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, SON?

NOPE. HEH.

DON'T FORGET TO LOCK UP,
ALL RIGHT?

THANKS, DAD.

[CLEARS THROAT]

WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?

WAS IT ABOUT MY TAB?

NO.

HE'S SCARED.

HE KNOWS?

I'M SCARED, TOO.

[SIGHS]

THINK WE'RE
DOING THE RIGHT THING?

UH, YEAH. I MEAN...

I GUESS SO. UH...

I ALWAYS DRAG YOU
INTO THIS SHIT, DON'T I?

IT'S NOT LIKE
YOU HAVE TO

TWIST MY ARM
TO DO IT.

YOU'RE MY BEST
FRIEND, BRO.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT
GONNA DO ANYTHING

TO STEER ME WRONG.

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT
COULD BE WORSE.

HOW'S THAT?

WE COULD BE BRETT
AND CORY.

YEAH.

[MIKE CLEARS THROAT]

HEY.

HEY.

I DIDN'T WAKE ANYBODY UP?

NO, NO.

KIM'S OVER
AT HER BOYFRIEND'S.

IT'S LATE. DO YOU
WANT TO COME IN?

NO. I, UH...

I GOTTA GO IN A COUPLE
OF HOURS WITH JOEY.

OH, RIGHT. VEGAS.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE DOING...

BUT WHATEVER IT IS,
I HOPE IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY HAVEN'T CALLED YET.

MAYBE THEY GOT ROBBED.

WILL YOU SHUT UP?

HOW COULD THEY
GET ROBBED?

AT BUN BOY.
ON THE WAY THERE.

YOU KNOW HOW MIKE
ALWAYS WANTS TO STOP

AT BUN BOY?

THEY GOT REDNECKS
AND SHIT THERE.

THEY HATE JEWS.

WILL YOU RELAX?

MIKE AND JOEY

CAN TAKE CARE
OF THEMSELVES.

WHOA, GUYS,
HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

OH, SHIT!

MAN, I CAN'T
WATCH THIS.

I'M GONNA
SHIT IN MY PANTS!

COME ON.

YOU CAN'T TRUST A FIX,
WHAT CAN YOU TRUST?

TV: [APPLAUSE, CHEERS]

WHAT? HE'S GOTTA MAKE IT
LOOK GOOD, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, CORY,
UH, BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU.

HOW DID JOEY C.
MAKE ALL THAT MONEY

WHEN YOU TWO WERE IN VEGAS?

AH, IT WAS GREAT.

JOEY SAID SINCE I
WAS THE JINX,

WE SHOULD GO
TO THE CRAP TABLE

AND HE SHOULD
BET ON THE "DON'T."

YOU KNOW,
AGAINST THE SHOOTER?

WHAT, ALL SHOOTERS?

NO, NO. JUST ME.

AND, UH, AW, MAN,
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

SOON AS I GOT THE DICE,

I CRAPPED OUT 27 TIMES
IN A ROW. HA HA HA.

DID YOU
EVER MAKE A PASS?

NO, NO. ACTUALLY,
UH, JOEY QUIT,

AND I, UH, LOST THE
REST OF MY MONEY,

AND, UH, WE
WENT RIGHT HOME.

WHY?

THAT'S A VERY GOOD
QUESTION: WHY?

TV: [APPLAUSE]

TV: [LOUD APPLAUSE]

WE'RE ON OUR OWN.

YEAH, YEAH!
YEAH! YES!

CORY, I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE BET THIS.

YES! YES! YES!

YES! RIGHT THERE, BABY!

OK, OK, OK.

Mike: MATT PITCHED
AN ALMOST FLAWLESS GAME,

BUT THE ANGELS
PLAYED WELL, TOO.

THE SCORE WAS 1-0
IN THE BOTTOM ON THE NINTH.

THERE WERE 2 OUTS,
AND THE BASES WERE LOADED.

SALMON WAS UP,
AND IT WAS A FULL COUNT.

3 BALLS, 2 STRIKES,

AND MATT
WENT INTO HIS WIND-UP.

TV: MATT REED,
THROWING THE GAME OF HIS LIFE.

[LOUDLY PASSES GAS]

[GRUNTS] I'M DEAD, MAN.

I HAVEN'T HAD SEX
WITH A WOMAN

IN ALMOST 2 YEARS,

AND THE LAST PERSON
I KISSED WAS A MAN.

I CAN'T GO OUT
LIKE THAT.

I DIDN'T EVEN
SAVE ENOUGH MONEY

TO BUY A PLANE TICKET
OUT OF TOWN.

WHAT THE FUCK
WAS I THINKING?

HOW COULD WE
BE SO STUPID?

HOW COULD WE BET EVERYTHING
WE DIDN'T HAVE ON CORY?

WE DESERVE TO DIE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT HAPPENED.

HE SAID HE WOULD DO IT.

HE GAVE ME HIS WORD.

JOEY HEARD.

I'M GONNA KILL
THAT SON OF A BITCH!

[DOOR OPENS]

YOU KNOW, ALCOHOL NEVER
SOLVED ANYONE'S PROBLEMS.

IT JUST MAKES YOU
FEEL LIKE SHIT IN THE MORNING.

I'M TOO DRUNK TO RUN.

HEY,
GO FUCK YOURSELF,

YOU FUCKIN'
PSYCHOPATH!

AND YOUR LITTLE
FUCKIN' BUDDY, TOO.

Clyde: DO YOU
KNOW WHAT I HATE

MORE THAN ANYTHING
THE WORLD?

PEOPLE WHO DON'T
KEEP THEIR WORD.

NOW, I MAY BE
A LOT OF THINGS,

BUT AT LEAST
I'M CONSISTENT.

EVERYONE ALWAYS
KNOWS WHERE I STAND.

AND I ALWAYS
KEEP MY WORD.

I KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK,

SO I'LL FORGIVE
THE LANGUAGE THIS TIME.

YOU PROBABLY WON'T EVEN
REMEMBER IN THE MORNING,

BUT IT'S NOT NICE
TO TAKE MY MONEY

AND TELL ME TO FUCK OFF
AT THE SAME TIME.

I WON'T BE SO UNDERSTANDING
IN THE FUTURE.

MICHAEL, YOU SHOULD
REALLY TEACH YOUR FRIENDS

SOME FUCKIN' MANNERS.

OH, MY GOD.

I MUST BE FUCKIN'
HALLUCINATING.

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

3 THINGS, GUYS.
3 THINGS.

FIRST,
NEVER BET WITH CORY,

BECAUSE HE IS THE BIGGEST
FUCKIN' JINX OF ALL TIME,

AND ANYTHING HE BETS
IS SURE TO LOSE.

MY SYSTEM EXACTLY.

YO, WHEN I
SAW VOODOO CRAP OUT

27 TIMES IN A ROW,

I KNEW I WAS DEALING
WITH SOMETHING

LARGER THAN MYSELF.

SECOND, NEVER BET
ON BAD KARMA LIKE A FIX,

ESPECIALLY WHEN DEALING
WITH A BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN

LIKE MATT REED,
BECAUSE GOD WILL JUMP UP

AND KICK YOU
RIGHT IN THE ASS EVERY TIME.

MATT REED
IS A BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN?

YEAH, STUPID.

IT WOULD HELP
TO KNOW THESE THINGS.

NEVER, EVER,
UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES,

DO YOU GIVE A VINDICTIVE
LITTLE BORN-AGAIN SHIT

LIKE MATT REED THE OPPORTUNITY
TO GET EVEN WITH YOU,

ESPECIALLY AFTER
ALL THE SHIT

YOU PUT HIM THROUGH
IN HIGH SCHOOL, CORY.

YO, HOMEBOY PITCHED
HIS ASS OFF TONIGHT.

YEAH, WELL,
IT'S A GOOD THING.

'CAUSE WE BET THE OTHER WAY.

WE BET
THE OTHER FUCKIN' WAY?

OH, MY GOD!

YOU BET THE OTHER WAY?

OH, MY GOD!

YOU BET THE OTHER WAY

AND YOU DIDN'T
FUCKIN' TELL ME?

WELL, YEAH.
OH, MY GOD!

Mike: WELL, WE WON,
AND WE WON BIG.

WITH ALL THE MONEY
WE RAISED IN BETTIN' IN VEGAS

TOGETHER WITH ALL THE MONEY
WE COLLECTED FROM THE BOOKIES,

WE TOTALED
OVER 3/4 OF A MILLION BUCKS.

TAKE
THE PICTURE.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK,
SO SIGNED A 9-YEAR LEASE

AND OPENED OUR VERY OWN
SPORTS BAR, MVPs.

FOR ONCE,

WE WERE ALL ACTUALLY DOING
SOMETHING WITH OUR LIVES,

AND WE LIVED
HAPPILY EVER AFTER,

KEEPING OUR PROMISE THAT WE
WOULD NEVER GAMBLE AGAIN.

WHAT, ARE YOU BOB HOPE'S
YOUNGER BROTHER NO HOPE?

COME ON, LET'S GO.

SILENCE.

100 BUCKS
SAYS HE MISSES IT.

ARE YOU OUT
OF YOUR FUCKIN' MIND?

YOU'RE BETTING
100 BUCKS? WHOA!

IT'S A GIMME,
FOR CHRISSAKE.

IT'S SITTIN' RIGHT
ON THE EDGE OF THE CUP.

BUT IT'S CORY.

YEAH, I KNOW IT'S CORY.
BUT LOOK AT THAT.

IT'S NOT A GOLF SHOT,

IT'S A BALL SITTING ON THE EDGE
OF A CUP, FOR CHRISSAKE.

BUT THIS IS THE
JERSEY JINX HERE.

YEAH, I KNOW.
CORY CAN MAKE THAT SHOT.

JOEY? GIVE US
SOME ODDS, BABY.

DON'T ALL FUCKIN'
LOOK AT ME, MAN,

I'M NOT TAKIN'
NO MORE ACTION.

BULLSHIT! COME ON,
GIVE US SOME FUCKIN' ODDS.

ON VOODOO?

I'LL GIVE YOU 8 TO 5.

OH, I'M ALL OVER THAT.

THAT'S EASY MONEY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

AND MAY THE FIRST THING YOUR
MOTHER SEES IS MY PENIS.

CHA-CHING!

OH...JESUS!

YOU ALL RIGHT?

I CAN'T FUCKIN'
BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.

GIVE ME HALF.

WAIT A SEC.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WEREN'T

GONNA TAKE ANY MORE
OF OUR BETS.

WELL,
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU

WASN'T GONNA
MAKEANY MORE BETS.

BUDDY, PLEASE.

CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY
TRIMARK HOME VIDEO

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--

♪ ALL THE SWEET, SWEET TIMES

♪ THE THINGS WE DID TOGETHER

♪ WHEN LIFE WAS JUST A BOWL
OF BRIGHT RED CHERRIES ♪

♪ THE SWEET LOVE, TOO

♪ WHEN WE WERE
UNDERNEATH THE MOON ♪

♪ AND YOU
WERE HOLDING ON TO ME ♪

♪ LIKE NO TOMORROW

♪ YOU TAKE MY HAND

♪ AND I'M FEELIN' GRAND

♪ WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU
WANNA BE MY BABY ♪

♪ OH, BABY, BABY

♪ MAYBE, BABY, BABY, SO

♪ DOO-BA-DEE, OOH

♪ BABY, WHEN YOU TOUCH ME

♪ AND YOU TAKE ME THERE

♪ I KNOW THAT IT'S
TOO MUCH FOR ME ♪

♪ BUT I'M STILL AWARE

♪ THAT IF YOU LOVE ME

♪ LOVE ME

♪ OH, BABY, BABY,
WE CAN DO IT ♪

♪ DO-DAH-DO-DAH-DAH

♪ DO-DEE-DAH-DUH-DOWAH

♪ WHEN LIFE WAS JUST A BOWL
OF BRIGHT RED CHERRIES ♪

♪ THE SWEET LOVE, TOO

♪ WHEN WE
WERE UNDERNEATH THE MOON ♪

♪ AND YOU WERE
HOLDIN' ON TO ME ♪

♪ LIKE NO TOMORROW

♪ DA-DWEE-DUH-DUH

♪ DO-DUH-DUH-DWEE-DO-DO

♪ WHEN YOU TELL ME
THAT YOU WANNA BE MY BABY ♪

♪ OH, BABY, BABY

♪ MAYBE, BABY, BABY, SO

♪ DWEE-DUH-DUH-AH-OOH

♪ BABY, WHEN YOU
TOUCH ME ♪

♪ AND YOU TAKE ME THERE

♪ I KNOW THAT IT'S
TOO MUCH FOR ME ♪

♪ BUT I'M STILL AWARE

♪ THAT IF YOU LOVE ME

♪ LOVE ME

♪ BABY, BABY WE CAN DO IT

♪ DO-DUH-DUH-DOO

♪ BABY, WHEN YOU TOUCH ME

♪ AND YOU TAKE ME THERE

♪ I KNOW THAT IT'S
TOO MUCH FOR ME ♪

♪ BUT I'M STILL AWARE

♪ THAT IF YOU LOVE ME

♪ LOVE ME

♪ BABY, BABY WE CAN DO IT

♪ DO IT, DO IT