Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TRIMARK HOME VIDEO

[CROWD TALKING]

[DISHES, SILVERWARE CLANGING]

Man: DANNY, THAT MEAT ORDER COME IN

THIS MORNING?

DID DAVID HERE SIGN FOR IT?

LISTEN, MAKE JUAN HERE

FINISH PREPPING THIS STATION,

FOR GOD'S SAKE.

COME ON, IT'S YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW.

WHAT, IS HE ON SIESTA?

[DOOR OPENS]

HOW YOU DOING, DARLING?

THANKS. WHAT'S WRONG?

MM-HMM.

MAUDE, HOW YOU DOING? WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

NOT A PROBLEM. AMY, I SEE JAIME

CLEANING UP TABLE 8 NOW.

NOT A PROBLEM.

AMY, WHERE'S DAVID?

IRA! HELEN, LOOKING BEAUTIFUL AS EVER.

[BACKGROUND CONVERSATION GROWS LOUDER]

WELL, I GOT TO SQUEEZE 18 HOLES IN TODAY.

CONSIDERING I HAVEN'T LEFT THIS PLACE

IN 6 MONTHS, NOT BAD.

RIGHT. I GOT TO GET TO WORK.

I'LL CATCH YOU LATER, DOLL.

CALL ME.

TANYA, WHERE'S DAVID?

BRING THE BLUE AT TABLE ONE.

JENNY, I'LL BE IN THE OFFICE.

[DOOR CLOSES OUT BACKGROUND SOUNDS]

DAVID, TAKE YOUR FEET OFF MY DESK.

YOU'RE STINKING UP THE BOOKS.

[MUSIC ON TV]

HEY! MY COMMERCIAL.

On TV: HELLO.

I'M ARNOLD ZIGMAN, AND THIS IS ZIG'S.

AND HERE AT ZIG'S, WE'VE BEEN SERVING

THE VALLEY'S FINEST CULINARY CONCOCTIONS

SINCE 1967.

AND MY FAMILY'S FAVORITE,

THE BURLY FRANKFURTER WITH SAUERKRAUT.

SO, BRING YOUR WHOLE FAMILY OVER TO ZIG'S,

AND ENJOY THE WONDERFUL SERVICE

FROM OUR FRIENDLY STAFF,

THE COMFORTABLE ATMOSPHERE,

AND THE TASTY FOOD.

WE'RE AT...

JUST EAST OF CANOGA.

AND WE'RE OPEN EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT.

THANK YOU.

HA HA!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SPENT 5 GRAND ON THAT.

OH, MAN, I'M NEVER GONNA HEAR THE END OF THIS.

DAVID, THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL

GOOD BUSINESS SENSE.

TO MAKE MONEY, SOMETIMES YOU GOT

TO SPEND A LITTLE MONEY.

BUT ON THAT, DAD?

COME ON. GIVE ME A BREAK.

BOYCHIK. OY.

IF YOU'RE SO SMART, WHY DON'T YOU

OPEN UP YOUR OWN PLACE?

MAYBE I WILL.

RIGHT. MAYBE YOU WILL.

I'LL BELIEVE THAT WHEN I SEE IT.

IN THE MEANTIME,

GET YOUR FEET OFF MY DESK.

AND DO SOMETHING.

JUST FOR A CHANGE,

WHY DON'T YOU TRY WORKING

FOR THE MONEY I PAY YOU?

[SIGHS]

[DIALING CELL PHONE]

[LINE RINGS]

Man, VO: MOST PEOPLE COME FROM THE SCHOOL OF THOUGHT

THAT HARD WORK AND A 9 TO 5 LIFE

IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET ANYWHERE IN TODAY'S WORLD.

HOW'D YOU DO?

I BEG TO DIFFER.

IT'S, UH...

IT'S 4-2 GIANTS. BONDS JUST WENT

YARD ON TO WAVELAND AVENUE.

MM-HMM.

YEAH, ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE HERE. BYE.

Man: GETTING ANYWHERE THESE DAYS

IS ABOUT PUTTING YOUR MONEY ON THE RIGHT TEAM...

OR BEING IN THE RIGHT PLACE...

AT THE RIGHT TIME.

HOW'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND? YOU TWO STILL TOGETHER?

I NEED ANOTHER 5 GRAND.

MIKEY, YOU'RE DOWN 37K.

HAVE I EVER STIFFED YOU BEFORE, CHARLIE?

THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED YOU.

LOOK, IF I DON'T PAY YOU BY TOMORROW,

YOU CAN SEND SOMEONE TO BREAK MY LEGS. OK?

MIKEY, IF I GIVE YOU 5 MORE AND YOU DON'T PAY,

THEY CAN DO MORE THAN BREAK YOUR LEGS.

IT'S MY ASS, TOO, YOU KNOW.

I VOUCHED FOR YOU.

THIS IS SERIOUS, MAN.

I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

OH, YEAH?

THEN WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS TO YOURSELF?

UM, I'M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING...

YOU UNDERSTAND? I...

YOU KNOW WHAT, CHARLIE? I DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY.

OK? FORGET IT.

COME ON, MIKEY.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYTHING BAD

HAPPENING TO YOU.

NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN TO ME.

COME ON. I'M THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE WORLD.

NOT TODAY YOU'RE NOT.

OH, YEAH? WATCH ME.

YO, MUNG!

HOW MUCH YOU GIVE ME ON THE COME FOR THE BOX?

YOUR PORSCHE? YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, SHOOT IT ALL?

JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH, MUNG.

WHAT YEAR IS IT?

IT'S A '98.

I DON'T KNOW. 10 GRAND.

10 GRAND! DUDE, IT'S A $40,000 CAR.

IT'S WORTH A HELL OF A LOT MORE THAN THAT.

I KNOW IT'S WORTH MORE TO YOU,

BUT RIGHT NOW, THAT'S HOW MUCH

IT'S WORTH TO ME.

ALL RIGHT, FINE. BUT NO VIG.

FUCK THAT. I GOT TO SEE THIS.

PLAY IT.

DON'T FUCK AROUND, CHARLIE. I SAID PLAY IT.

OK.

I'LL DEAL YOU MYSELF.

THANKS, VINNIE. TAKE A BREAK.

SPLIT IT.

CAN'T SPLIT THEM. YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

MUNG?

OH, YOU WANT TO GO ON ACCOUNT?

THE VIG IS 10% PER WEEK.

FINE. PUT ME DOWN.

DEAL.

DOUBLE DOWN.

OH, SHIT.

YOU ARE ONE CRAZY HEBREW MOTHERFUCKER.

MUNG, PUT ME DOWN.

THAT'S 20K, MIKE.

I KNOW WHAT IT IS. I SAID PUT ME DOWN.

PUT HIM ON ACCOUNT.

ONE CARD.

Mike: NEXT HAND.

DOUBLE DOWN.

MIKEY, YOU REALIZE IF YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF THIS,

IT'S YOUR ASS.

I KNOW.

Mung: RIGHT ON.

WE JUST HAD TO GET THAT STRAIGHT.

ONE MORE TIME, CHARLIE.

JESUS CHRIST, WHERE ARE ALL THE FACE CARDS?

14. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE FACE CARDS?

PAINT 'EM.

37 GOES BACK TO THE HOUSE.

10 GRAND GETS ME BACK MY KEYS.

AND THE 30K YOU WENT ON ACCOUNT FOR

IS NOW NULL AND VOID.

10 PERCENT VIG. THAT'S GOT TO BE

THE FASTEST 3 GRAND YOU EVER MADE, RIGHT?

RIGHT PLACE, RIGHT TIME. YOU KNOW.

NEVER COUNT ME OUT, CHARLIE. NEVER.

YOU GOT STONES, KID. I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

WHERE YOU GOING NOW?

YOU NEED TO ASK?

HEY, BUDDY. WHAT'S UP?

MIKEY. WHAT'S UP?

HOW'D YOU DO THIS WEEKEND?

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. ON WEDNESDAY,

EVERYBODY LOADED UP ON MADDOX AND THE BRAVES

AND LAY THE 240. I CLEANED HOUSE.

EXCEPT FOR YOU AND DAVID.

YOU'LL TAKE CARE OF US LATER, RIGHT?

I ALWAYS DO.

IN THE BATHROOM. GOTCHA.

Mike, VO: THIS IS ZIG'S, MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME,

THE PLACE WHERE MY FRIENDS AND I GO TO EAT, DRINK,

SMOKE, GAMBLE OUR LIVES AWAY, AND...

DRINK AND SMOKE.

♪ HE CAN FEEL

♪ THERE IS LOVE

♪ AND MY NEIGHBOR...

THE JUKEBOX.

ALTHOUGH ZIG'S HAS BEEN OPEN FOR OVER 30 YEARS,

HE HASN'T CHANGED HIS SONG LIST SINCE 1983.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE LIKE IT THAT WAY.

MICHAEL.

ZIG. ARNOLD ZIGMAN...

THE PROPRIETOR OF THIS FINE ESTABLISHMENT

AND OUR PHILOSOPHICAL MENTOR IN THE ART OF SPORTS GAMBLING.

HE FIRST OPENED THE JOINT IN 1967

AND HAS ENJOYED A FRUITFUL LIFE.

JAMIE, GIMME A DRINK.

MY BEST FRIEND DAVID AND I LITERALLY GREW UP HERE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

WE CELEBRATED OUR BAR MITZVAHS AT ZIG'S.

AND THIS IS WHERE WE WON OUR FIRST BET.

50 BUCKS ON THE RAIDERS OVER THE CHIEFS.

ALTHOUGH HE MANAGES THE PLACE WHEN ZIG'S NOT AROUND,

HE'S NOT PARTICULARLY HAPPY ABOUT IT.

YOU SEE, DAVID ALWAYS THOUGHT HE'D PLAY HOCKEY FOR THE KINGS.

UNFORTUNATELY, FOR A SLOW JEWISH KID FROM THE VALLEY

WITH NO STICK HANDLING ABILITY

AND A SLAP SHOT THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE A CHANGE UP,

THE ONLY SCORING DAVID DOES NOW IS WHEN HE HIRES A NEW WAITRESS.

COME ON, BUDDY, PLEASE.

ARE YOU HONESTLY TELLING ME

YOU'RE NOT LIQUID FOR 20?

CORY OPPENHEIM, THE JERSEY JINX.

FANTASTIC BOILER ROOM CLOSER.

COULD COLD CALL ESKIMOS IN ALASKA TO BUY ICE CUBES,

AND THEY'D SEND HIM A CHECK.

NO, 20 CENTS.

HOW MUCH YOU THINK HEATING OIL GOES FOR?

20,000!

DON'T GIVE ME ANY CRAP ABOUT BEING STRAPPED,

BECAUSE I READ YOUR PORTFOLIO, DR. ROSENSCHMUCK.

NO, NO, LOOK--LO--

SHH! SHH!

Mike: BUT THE WORST LOSER I'VE EVER SEEN.

WE CALL HIM THE JINX BECAUSE EVERYTHING HE BETS ON LOSES,

AND HE'S ALWAYS BEHIND AT THE BOOK.

IF I WERE A PRIZE FIGHTER AND CORY BET ON ME,

I WOULD CONCEDE THE KNOCKOUT AND MOVE TO A DIFFERENT COUNTRY.

OH, BUDDY, PLEASE! YOU'RE KILLING ME!

WHEN HAVE I EVER STIFFED YOU BEFORE, HUH?

NO, NO, NO, NO. THAT WAS DIFFERENT.

THERE WAS A DEATH IN THE FAMILY.

AND THEN THERE'S BRETT,

THE MOST ANNOYING HUMAN BEING

ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

COULDN'T GET LAID IN A MORGUE,

BUT THAT DOESN'T KEEP HIM FROM TRYING.

NOT BECAUSE HE'S NOT A GREAT GUY--BECAUSE HE IS--

BUT BECAUSE HE NEVER LOSES.

THERE'S AN OLD GAMBLING ADAGE THAT SAYS:

IF YOU NEVER BET MORE THAN 50 BUCKS A GAME,

YOU'LL NEVER LOSE.

SO ALL BRETT DOES ALL DAY LONG

IS FIND OUT EXACTLY WHAT CORY IS GONNA BET,

AND THEN HE BETS 50 BUCKS THE OTHER WAY.

WHEN YOU GOT 5 DIMES GOIN' ON THE OTHER WAY

AND HE BETS AGAINST YOU AND WINS

AND THEN DOES HIS LITTLE VICTORY DANCE,

I SWEAR TO GOD, YOU COULD CUT HIS BALLS OFF.

WHOO!

WHOOP! WHOOP!

AH HA HA!

[IMITATING PACINO] SO...YOU GOT THE STUFF?

YOU KNOW, I'M TIRED OF YOU GUYS TAKING MY MONEY.

I THINK IT'S TIME TO CUT YOU OFF.

OK. YOU WANNA COME BACK IN AND WE'LL START ALL OVER?

NOW YOU'RE TALKING TO ME, BABY.

NOW YOU'RE TALKIN' TO ME!

LET'S GO.

[BRITISH ACCENT] AND HERE'S TO YOU.

OH, NO, HERE'S TO YOU, MY FRIEND.

NO, NO, HERE'S TO YOU.

OH, DEAR, THANK YOU FOR COMING, NOW...

Both: PLEASE LEAVE.

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME, BOYS.

AHH!

HELLO, DAVID. 2 BEERS, JIMMY, PLEASE.

HELLO, BABY.

SO WILL I SEE YOU LATER?

HOPEFULLY.

OK.

THANKS.

WHOA, DID YOU GO THERE, TOO?

WELL, I GOT A THING FOR TALL BLONDS

WHO SMELL NICE, BUT THEN AGAIN, WHO DOESN'T?

MMM, YES, OF COURSE. CHECK THIS OUT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHERE IS IT?

IT'S ON VENTURA BOULEVARD JUST EAST OF BALBOA.

DOES IT HAVE ENOUGH SPACE?

AMPLE. WHAT DO YOU THINK? NICE BIG SATELLITE DISH THERE.

BIG NEON SIGN SAYING MVPs?

HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM, HMM?

HEY, YOU SURE IT ISN'T 155?

SANDY, STOP BEING SUCH A SCHMUCK.

WELTERWEIGHT IS 147.

COULD HAVE SWORN IT WAS 155.

NO. THAT'S JUNIOR MIDDLEWEIGHT,

AND IT'S 154 TO BE EXACT.

MIKE, AM I RIGHT?

UH, YEAH, I GUESS.

WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S OUR NEW BUSINESS VENTURE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

RIGHT.

THIS IS GONNA BE JUST LIKE WHEN YOU GUYS

WANTED TO OPEN UP THAT TANNING SALON

OR THAT CARPET CLEANING BUSINESS.

THIS IS JUST ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR PIPE DREAMS.

WHEN ARE YOU GUYS GONNA GROW UP? COME ON, ALREADY!

DIDN'T THIS USED TO BE THAT SUPPER CLUB?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN USED TO BE? WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?

I DUNNO. CLOSED DOWN ABOUT A MONTH AGO.

IT'S BEEN BOARDED UP EVER SINCE.

WHY'D IT CLOSE DOWN?

I DON'T KNOW. BUT LISTEN....

I THINK WE CAN GET THIS PLACE DIRT CHEAP.

I'M TALKING LIKE $1.00, $1.50 A SQUARE FOOT.

NO FUCKING WAY.

YOU CAN'T GET IT THAT CHEAP.

HOW MUCH COULD IT BE?

A LOT!

DO THEY HAVE A LIQUOR LICENSE?

I'VE DRANK THERE.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU DID YOUR HOMEWORK, MIKE.

HE'S RIGHT. WE CAN NEVER AFFORD A PLACE LIKE THAT.

SEE, BRETT, THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER GET LAID.

YOU LACK CONFIDENCE.

NO CONFIDENCE.

HEY, BROTHER, I FOUND SOMETHING

THAT MIGHT HELP YOUR CONFIDENCE.

"PENILE ENLARGEMENT.

"NOW YOU CAN ACHIEVE GREATER SELF-ESTEEM

"WITH INCREASED LENGTH AND WIDTH

AND RETURN TO WORK IN JUST 2 SHORT DAYS."

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT

GOING BACK TO WORK SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE A JOB.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I WORK.

I DON'T THINK DONATING SPERM

AND COLLECTING UNEMPLOYMENT ACTUALLY COUNTS AS A JOB.

ALTHOUGH, IF YOU DID GET THE PENILE ENLARGEMENT,

YOU COULD PROBABLY WRITE IT OFF AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE.

YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR ACCOUNTANT ABOUT THAT.

I DON'T REALLY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY PENIS SIZE.

PROBABLY HEREDITARY.

PROBABLY HAS TO DO WITH THAT FUCKING DISEASE YOU HAVE.

IT'S NOT A DISEASE, YOU SCHMUCK.

I'M LACTOSE-INTOLERANT.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THAT MEANS HE CAN'T DIGEST DAIRY.

HE CAN'T DIGEST DAIRY? PUTZ HAS 3 MILKSHAKES A DAY!

I TAKE PILLS FOR IT.

IT'S FUCKING PATHETIC, MAN.

THERE ARE STARVING CHILDREN IN THE WORLD,

AND YOUR IMPOTENT ASS CAN'T DIGEST A FUCKING GLASS OF MILK.

IT'S A SHANDA,BABY.

TCH.

WHAT ARE YOU HAVING, CORY?

I'LL, UH, I'LL HAVE 2 BULLET BURGERS, EXTRA CHEESE,

A BAGEL LIGHTLY TOASTED,

CREAM CHEESE AND BUTTER, PACK OF MARLBORO REDS,

AND A, UH...FUCK IT. A DOUBLE BLOODY MARY.

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

HOW CAN YOU EAT LIKE THAT, CORY?

YOU'RE A WALKING HEART ATTACK.

BET YOU HE HAS A CORONARY BY THE TIME HE'S 35.

SHIT, I'LL LAY 3-1.

THAT'S COMFORTING. I'LL STIFF YOU ALL IN MY WILL.

ANYTHING ELSE?

JUST YOU, BABY.

BOYS...YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

OOH!

I THINK I WOULD.

I KNOW I WOULD. YEAH, BABY!

OH, MAN. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STILL HAVEN'T BEEN THERE.

I THINK SHE'S HOT.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

YEAH, SHE'S LIKE, UH...NURTURING.

SHE'S LIKE MY MOTHER.

WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN

IN A VERY WEIRD FREUDIAN NORMAN BATES KINDA WAY.

IT'S JUST LIKE YOU... HAVE TO HAVE HER.

YOU BANGED EVERYTHING ELSE

IN THE JOINT. MIGHT AS WELL

BAT FOR THE CYCLE.

HEY, ZIG...

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW EVERY WHITE WIDE RECEIVER IN THE NFL

IS CALLED A POSSESSION RECEIVER?

YOU NEVER HEARD THEM CALL A BLACK GUY THAT.

IT'S THEIR POLITICALLY CORRECT WAY OF SAYING

YOU'RE WHITE AND SLOW,

SO YOU BETTER CATCH THAT FOOTBALL.

SO YOU WERE AT THE TRACK ALL DAY?

HOW'D YOU DO?

I BROKE EVEN.

I HATE THAT PLACE. I NEVER WIN THERE.

All: YOU NEVER WIN ANYWHERE.

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

WHY DON'T YOU STICK TO WHAT YOU KNOW, MIKE? GAMES.

YEAH. I KNOW GAMES.

AND I KNOW THAT YOU CAN PICK THE GAMES

BETTER THAN DIONNE WARWICK OR PHILIP MICHAEL THOMAS

OR ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL OR ANY OTHER 3-NAMED MOTHERFUCKER

YOU WANNA THROW IN THERE, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT MY BETS

TO BE INFLUENCED BY THE FUCKING JERSEY JINX OVER HERE

OR BY THIS KNOW-NOTHING MOTHERFUCKER, OK?

SO GO HOME, GET SOME SLEEP, GET BACK HERE, AND HELP ME OUT.

JAMIE, START CLEANING UP.

I WANT EVERYBODY OUT OF HERE EARLY TONIGHT.

♪ I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU ♪

♪ WHEN I'M OUT HERE ON THE ROAD ♪

♪ THE THINGS I WANT TO TELL YOU... ♪

I THINK WE SHOULD STICK WITH THE ORIGINAL ONE.

LET'S CALL IT MVPs.

NO, NO, NO, THAT'S LIKE--

THAT'S LIKE-- THAT'S TOO SPOT ON.

IT'S LIKE TOO SPOT ON.

COME UP WITH SOMETHING MORE ORIGINAL

LIKE A ROCK 'N' ROLL THEME KIND OF A SONG

LIKE, UH...LIKE BENNY AND THE JETS.

TAKE A LYRIC FROM BENNY AND THE JETS

AND CALL IT SOMETHING LIKE, UH...

LIKE, UH, MOHAY VU.

[LAUGHTER]

MOHAY VUS.

WHAT THE HELL'S MOHAY VU?

WHAT THE FUCK IS A MOHAY VU?

IT'S FRENCH, YOU KNOW?

HE GOES, "I GOT ELECTRIC BOOTS,

"I'VE GOT A MOHAY VU,

I READ IT IN A MAGAZINE."

[LAUGHTER]

MOHAY VU.

THIS GUY GETS STUPIDER EVERY DAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S MOHAIR SHOES.

NO, NO, NO, NO. IT'S A MOHAIR SUIT.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S MOHAY VU.

I'VE HEARD THE SONG

ABOUT 20,000 FUCKING TIMES.

SO HAVE I. I'VE HEARD IT 20,000 FUCKING TIMES, TOO.

IT'S A FUCKING MOHAIR SUIT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLACE A LITTLE WAGER ON THAT?

I CERTAINLY WOULD LIKE TO. HOW MUCH? $20? $20? RIGHT THERE?

JAMES, WOULD YOU DO THE HONORS, PLEASE?

OK, GREAT. THANK YOU.

ROCK 'N' ROLL JOHNNY. WHAT IS THE CORRECT LYRIC, FRIEND?

IT'S A MOHAIR SUIT.

AH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SOME FUCKING HELP!

HE HAS A G.E.D., FOR CHRISSAKE.

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

A GUY CAN'T MAKE NATURAL FOX PASS,

FOR CHRISSAKES?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

WHAT THE FUCK?

FUCK!

NO, NO, NO. I THINK WHAT OUR DRUNKEN FRIEND

IS TRYING TO SAY IS THAT HE MADE A...FAUX PAS.

OH, AGAIN WITH THE FRENCH.

NO, THAT IS ACTUALLY FRENCH.

FAUX PAS. SAY IT WITH ME. FAUX PAS.

NO. HOW 'BOUT I SAY FUCK YOU?

THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S FRENCH, TOO.

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THIS FUCKIN' GUY?

Mike: THIS GUY TINY WAS THE ONLY REASON

WHY EVERYONE KEPT CURRENT ON THE BOOKS WITH CLYDE.

SEE, CLYDE WAS NOTHING BUT A HALF-ASSED BOOKIE

WHO PRIDED HIMSELF ON BEING THIS CHRIS WALKEN AFICIONADO.

NOT ONLY DID HE WALK AND TALK LIKE HIM,

BUT HE CLAIMS TO HAVE SEEN KING OF NEW YORK2,000 TIMES.

RUMOR HAS IT CLYDE ONCE KILLED A MAN FOR 20 BUCKS.

PERSONALLY, I THINK HE STARTED THE RUMOR HIMSELF.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

JIMMY, GIVE ME A SHOT...

AH, NO, NO, NO. NO MORE SHOTS FOR MY FRIENDS

WHO DO NOT PAY THEIR TABS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S CLOSING TIME.

PLEASE LEAVE ME MY BAR. I HAVE WORK TO DO.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I GOT WORK TO DO! CAN'T YOU TAKE A HINT?

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

THAT'S MY DRINK. I OWN THE PLACE.

BY THE WAY, DAVID. NICE COMMERCIAL.

FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU.

HEY, DAVE, WE'LL BE ON ATLANTIC.

YEAH. I GOT A FEELING. THE FUCKERS.

GOOD NIGHT, JOHNNY LONG.

JESUS CHRIST.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, CHRIST.

OH, FUCK.

OH, UH, BY THE WAY, UH, BRETT.

THAT, UH...

THAT DINNER THAT YOU BOUGHT ME LAST NIGHT,

I WAS THINKING...

INSTEAD OF, UH, BUYING ME A DINNER,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST PICK UP THE TAB FOR THE, UH,

PARKING LOT AND THE, UH,

THE ADMISSION AT THE TRACK THIS WEEKEND?

WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT?

PARKING AND ADMISSION AT THE TRACK

IS AT LEAST $8.00 OR $9.00.

I CAN BUY YOU A BURGER HERE FOR 3.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

AN ENTIRE BURGER MEAL COSTS, UH, AT LEAST 6.95.

WHO THE HELL SAID ANYTHING ABOUT A COMPLETE DINNER?

THE BET WAS FOR A BURGER,

SINGULAR, NOT A BURGER WITH FRIES

OR A BURGER AND SALAD.

JUST A BURGER.

ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?

NO, I'M NOT.

LOOK...

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU JUST WANNA BUY ME A FUCKING HAMBURGER,

ALONE, JUST ALONE?

YEAH, IT'S CALLED AÁ LA CARTE.

AÁ LA CARTE.

AGAIN WITH THIS FUCKIN' FRENCH. IT'S DRIVIN' ME--

AÁ LA CARTE! A LA CARTE!

W-WHAT IS THA--WH--

A-ALONE, WITHOUT ANY FRENCH FRIES?

YEAH, YOU'RE--YOU'RE CATCHIN' ON QUICKLY.

[SIGHS]

I HATE YOU.

MIKE, I--I--I LOVE YOU. YOU'RE A FUCKIN' MENTSH,

BUT THIS IS JUST ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR SCHEMES.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THIS, MAN. TRUST ME.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU WANNA DO SOMETHIN',

DON'T YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHIN' HAPPEN, YOU KNOW,

TO KNOW THAT YOU MADE IT HAPPEN, WE MADE IT HAPPEN?

LOOK, I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.

I WANNA DO THIS NOW.

I WANNA DO THIS. TRUST ME.

TRUST YOU?

YEAH.

AND WHY SHOULD I TRUST YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU KNOW, I--

MAYBE, UH--MAYBE I SHOULD GET A JOB.

YOU'RE GONNA GET A JOB.

YOU.

YEAH, I CAN GET A JOB. LISTEN, MISTER, UH...

RESPONSIBLE 'CAUSE MY DAD OWNS A RESTAURANT...

I CAN, UH, I CAN GET A JOB

AND SAVE MY MONEY AND, UH, BE AN ENTREPRENEUR.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, TOMORROW, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA GO LOOK FOR A JOB.

YO, WHAT'S THE LINE ON THAT PHILLY GAME?

YO, THE DODGERS ARE 30 AND 7 1/2 OVER 110.

50. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

I'M GONNA LAY 6K TO WIN 4 ON THE METS.

OK? WHAT ARE THE JAYS AT?

NO, SHIT. THEY'RE DOGS WITH CLEMENS ON THE MOUND?

ALL RIGHT.

GIVE ME 3K ON THE JAYS.

I'M GONNA PARLAY BOTH OF THAT INTO THE...

Mike: JOEY CALDERA IS THE ONLY ITALIAN GUY FROM BROOKLYN

WHO THINKS HE'S BLACK.

HE MOVED OUT HERE DURING HIGH SCHOOL

AND HAS ENJOYED A SUCCESSFUL ENDEAVOR

IN THE WORLD OF BOOKMAKING.

...IN THE FIFTH.

ALTHOUGH WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME,

WE BARELY HANG.

WE JUST RUN IN DIFFERENT CROWDS, I GUESS.

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE WE'LL STILL DO A FAVOR

FOR EACH OTHER AS A TOKEN OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.

E-EASE UP, JOEY? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, EASE UP?

WHAT'RE YOU, MY BOOKIE OR MY MOTHER?

YO, YO, YO, YO, WAIT.

YO, I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR.

NO--NO--NO--NO.

I NEED YOU TO GO BY AND PICK UP AN ENVELOPE

FROM YOUR FATHER'S BOSS.

GET SOMEBODY ELSE, BRO.

I CAN'T FIND NOBODY ELSE. THAT'S WHY I'M ASKIN' YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE A REAL ASSHOLE.

YOU KNOW THAT? JUST FOR THAT, I'M TAKING 20%.

YO, 10%...

AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THAT

"I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU NEXT WEEK" BULLSHIT.

YO, I NEED IT TODAY.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU.

MOTHERFUCKER THINKS I'M BANK OF AMERICA.

NOW LET ME SEE THAT WEAK-ASS CROSSOVER.

10-1. GAME POINT.

THAT'S GAME, BROTHER.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S BULLET BURGERS ON YOU.

WAIT TILL I GET YOUR BLACK ASS IN MY SWIMMIN' POOL.

MICHAEL.

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT DO I OWE THIS HONOR TO?

I CAME BY TO SAY HI, AND...

I NEED SOME WINDSHIELD WIPERS FOR MY CAR.

OH, THAT FLASH NAZI MOBILE YOU DRIVE?

IT'S NOT A NAZI MOBILE, DAD. IT'S A PORSCHE.

PORSCHE.

YEAH. WHATEVER.

YEAH, WE CAN SET YOU UP.

YOU GET A JOB YET?

I'M WORKIN' ON SOME OTHER THINGS RIGHT NOW, DAD.

WELL, I'LL GET YOU A JOB HERE.

TEACH YA HOW TO HANDLE A WRENCH.

YOU! YOU TELL THAT SON OF A BITCH I'M DONE.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

I LOST 5 GRAND LAST WEEK AND ANOTHER 7,600

AGAIN THIS WEEK BECAUSE HE DOESN'T TAKE TEASERS.

IF HE WOULDA LET ME TEASE BOTH WEEKS, I WOULD'VE WON.

YOU JUST TELL THAT ASSHOLE THAT THIS IS IT.

YOU UNDERSTAND? NO MORE.

AND IF THAT PRICK EVER CALLS ME AGAIN,

I'LL HAVE YOU BOTH ARRESTED.

SO, UH, WHAT KIND OF WIPERS DID YOU SAY YOU NEEDED?

YOU CAN'T BEAT ME.

Both: OH, HEY, MIKE. WHAT'S UP?

HEY, GUYS. WHAT'S UP, MAN?

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

NO! OOH, OOH!

YEAH, YEAH! NO!

NO!

♪ WHOO, WHOO

YOU ARE THE WORST!

I TOLD YOU! HOW CAN YOU BET AGAINST JUNIOR?

THE MAN'S A HOME RUN MACHINE.

HOW COULD I BET ON THE AMERICAN LEAGUE?

THERE'S NO PITCHING.

I--I MEAN, LOOK AT THAT PUTZ ON THE MOUND.

WHAT DO THEY PAY THIS GUY, LIKE $3 MILLION A YEAR

TO LOB GRAPEFRUITS LIKE THAT?

UN-FUCKIN'-BELIEVABLE.

I MEAN, I COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT.

I SHOULDA NEVER GAVE UP PITCHIN'.

I'D PROBABLY BE IN THE BIG LEAGUES BY NOW.

PLEASE, DON'T EVEN START WITH ME

WITH THE PITCHING BULLSHIT.

IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU GO GLORY DAYS ON ME AGAIN,

I'M GONNA PUKE!

I'M SERIOUS, MAN. I COULDA BEEN A BIG LEAGUE PITCHER

IF I'D JUST KEPT IT UP. I JUST--

YOU KNOW, I JUST DIDN'T KEEP IT UP.

MAYBE YOU SHOULDA HIRED A FLUFFER.

[LAUGHING] OH.

HEY, FUCK YOU. YEAH, GREAT, MARGE.

KICK ME WHILE I'M DOWN, HUH?

BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, I WAS GOOD.

I WAS FUCKIN' FANTASTIC.

14-YEAR-OLD COLT DIVISION A YEAR BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE.

OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THE PHANTOM SHUTOUT.

A 9 INNING FULL GAME SHUTOUT

OVER THE HOBOKEN HOUNDS,

AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK ADAM GOLDBERG.

HE WAS THERE PLAYING SECOND BASE THAT DAY.

WHO THE HELL IS ADAM GOLDBERG?

I JUST TOLD YOU, FUCK FACE.

HE WAS SECOND BASE.

HERE, WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE

A BRUCE WILLIS MOVIE OR SOMETHIN'?

OH, MY--

HEY.

THANKS.

YEAH, THANKS, MIKE.

SO YOU'RE COMIN' TO MY BAR MITZVAH?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU READY FOR IT?

OF COURSE.

YEAH, WELL, LET ME HEAR SOMETHIN'. COME ON.

AW, COME ON.

COME ON. IT'S WORTH 40 BUCKS, ISN'T IT?

COME ON, GUYS. PAUL, HELP HIM OUT.

[BOTH SPEAKING HEBREW]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. YOU GUYS SUCK, YOU KNOW THAT?

Doug: NO--NO. I KNOW MY

HAFTARAH PORTION BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS.

THE RECEPTION'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

YOU GOTTA BE THERE.

MY DAD'S RENTING OUT THE ENTIRE CORBIN BOWL:

ARCADE, SNACK SHOP, BOWLING. IT'S ALL FREE.

FREE BOWLIN', HUH?

YOU KNOW...

IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO ADMIT

THAT IN MY YOUTH I WAS IN FACT

AN ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC PITCHER?

I WAS FUCKING FANTASTIC!

FINE. YOU WERE THE CY FUCKING YOUNG

OF THE BNAI BRITH LEAGUE. OK?

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

MIKE, TAKE THE DODGERS TONIGHT.

THEY'RE A LOCK.

LAST YEAR VALDES WAS 8 AND 1 AT HOME.

YEAH, AND KARROS IS GONNA GO YARD TONIGHT FOR SURE.

YO, DUH.

WAIT A SECOND. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING GAMBLING?

YOU'RE 12 YEARS OLD.

Both: WE'RE 13.

AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

YOU GAMBLE.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S DIFFERENT.

WHY?

IT JUST IS, OK?

YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS. I'M GONNA TEACH YOU

A VERY VALUABLE LESSON RIGHT NOW.

NOW YOU SAY YOU KNOW YOUR HAFTARAH PORTION

BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS, RIGHT?

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

I BET YOU DOUBLE OR NOTHIN' ON THE 20 I JUST GAVE YOU

THAT YOU DON'T.

[BOTH SPEAKING HEBREW]

NOW. SING IT BACKWARDS.

EH?

AW, DARN. NO!

WHOO! WHOO-OOH! YES!

♪ WHOO WHOO-OOH WHOO-WHOO-WHOO ♪

MAN, YOU NEED A FUCKIN' WIN BAD, BUDDY.

YOU BETTER GET SOME HELP.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

I'LL ASK RAINMAN. HE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

HEY, RAINMAN.

LISTEN, PAL, I NEED YOUR HELP,

AND I NEED IT BAD. WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR ME?

UH, LET'S SEE, UH...

LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE.

UH, OK...

THE KNICKS AND THE HAWKS ARE ABOUT TO TIP OFF

IN 10 MINUTES. IT'S A PICK-EM.

BUDDY, PLEASE!

[COMPUTER BEEPS] AW.

ALL RIGHT, SCHMUCKO. OK.

ALL RIGHT. WHEN ASSESSING THIS PARTICULAR GAME,

THERE ARE CERTAIN KEY FACTORS THAT IMMEDIATELY COME TO MIND.

FOR INSTANCE, THE KNICKS ARE 18 AND 2 AT THE GARDEN

WHEN COMING OFF A HOME LOSS...

NO MATTER HOW SURE YOU THINK SOMETHING IS,

GAMBLING IS ALWAYS A LOSING PROPOSITION.

OK?

GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Zig: WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

UH, NOTHIN'.

MICHAEL...

I CAN READ YOU LIKE A BOOK. I ALWAYS COULD.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS SAID

THIS IS A MAN WHO CAN DO THINGS.

REALLY?

WHEN THE TEAM SHOT 39% FROM THE FIELD

AND 73% FROM THE FOUL LINE,

WHEN EWING AVERAGES 21 POINTS A GAME OR BETTER,

NATURALLY DURING A NIGHT CONTEST

WHEN THE MOON IS IN ITS 3 QUARTER CRESCENT PHASE,

BUT ONLY IF THE TEAM FACES AN EASTERN DIVISION FOE

WHO'S UNDER 500 ON THE ROAD,

WHILE SPIKE LEE AND JERRY SEINFELD

ARE IN ATTENDANCE

ALONG WITH WOODY ALLEN WHO'S WITHOUT SOON-YI.

WELL, I'LL TELL YA.

I LIKE THE NAME.

I THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA, A GOOD CONCEPT.

BUT, UH, TO BE HONEST,

I THINK YOU GUYS ARE GETTIN' IN

A LITTLE BIT OVER YOUR HEADS.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT THE RESTAURANT BUSINESS.

WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK DAVID

KNOWS HOW TO RUN A RESTAURANT?

DAVID? SURE.

DAVID KNOWS HOW TO RUN IN, WATCH A LAKERS GAME,

HAVE A LITTLE NOSH AND RUN OUT.

IT'S NICE TO SEE

YOU HAVE SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN ME, DAD.

LOOK, I'M NOT SAYIN' IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

I JUST DON'T THINK YOU GUYS HAVE ANY IDEA

OF THE SHIT YOU GOTTA DEAL WITH.

LIKE WHAT?

ALL RIGHT. LET'S BE REALISTIC.

BESIDES ALL THE BULLSHIT RED TAPE,

THE LEASE, THE LIQUOR LICENSE,

THE BUILDING CODES, PERMITS, CONTRACTORS,

BESIDES ALL THAT,

THERE'S THE QUESTION OF THE GELT.

COME ON, BOYS. YOU KNOW, THE MONEY.

YOU WANNA OPEN UP SHOP

IN THE MIDDLE OF SHERMAN OAKS

ON VENTURA BOULEVARD,

YOU'RE GONNA NEED A LOT OF GELTS,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GONNA GIVE THE PLACE

A COMPLETE OVERHAUL:

BIG SCREEN TVs, SATELLITE DISHES,

CABLE THIS, PAY-PER-VIEW THAT,

SOUND SYSTEM, ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE SILVERWARE--

THAT COSTS MONEY.

YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT NO LESS THAN HALF A MIL, EASY.

NOW, MICHAEL...

I'M SURE YOU HAVE A LITTLE MONEY PUT AWAY,

AND DAVID THAT 50,000 YOUR GRANDPARENTS LEFT YOU

IS YOURS TO DO WHAT YOU LIKE WITH,

BUT I KNOW CORY'S BROKE 'CAUSE HE OWES ME MONEY,

AND BRETT...

GOD BLESS HIM, BUT THAT KID COULD SQUEEZE A DIME SO HARD

HE'D GET 3 NICKELS.

SO WHAT DO WE DO?

[SIGHS]

WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU GET UP OFF YOUR ASS,

AND YOU FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT.

COME ON, DAVID. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

HAVE A LITTLE CHUTZPA.

I'M TIRED OF CHANGING YOUR DIAPER, SON.

LISTEN, BOYCHIK...

YOU WANT A SANDWICH, FINE.

YOU NEED A PLACE TO STAY, FINE.

YOU WANT YOUR OWN BUSINESS,

YOU GOT OUT AND YOU GET IT FOR YOURSELF.

FARSHTAIST?

MIKE.

WELL, THAT WENT WELL.

I DIDN'T WANNA TELL HIM I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

SO ALL WE GOT IS MY 50 K?

THAT ISN'T GONNA DO FUCK-ALL FOR US.

I GOT A LITTLE OVERANXIOUS, MIKE,

AND I COULDN'T WAIT.

CORY WENT CRAZY, BET EVERY DAY GAME THERE WAS,

AND HE BET 'EM HEAVY. HE'S DOWN, MIKE. BAD.

DOUG AND PAUL SAID--

DOUG AND PAUL ARE 12 YEARS OLD, FOR CHRISSAKES.

THEY'RE 13!

GUYS, PLEASE.

AND THAT'S JUST TODAY'S GAMES.

HE'S GOT ACTION ON EVERY L.A. TEAM TONIGHT.

THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT, MIKE?

I GOTTA MAKE A COMEBACK.

HOW MUCH?

15,000 IF ALL 3 TEAMS LOSE.

BOTH OF YOU?

NO. ARE YOU KIDDING? I MADE MY $50 BET AND QUIT.

LOOK, I STILL GOT A CHANCE

ON MY PICKS TONIGHT, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T LIKE ANY OF 'EM. I STAYED AWAY.

YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T... DIDN'T PLAY ANYTHING?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT, CORY.

I SAID I DIDN'T LIKE ANY OF THE L.A. TEAMS.

BUT WHAT DO I KNOW? IT DOESN'T MEAN SHIT, RIGHT?

BUDDY, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT. CALL IN A COUPLE DIMES ON THE METS/JAY PARLAY.

BACK IT UP WITH A STRAIGHT BET ON THE METS FOR 2

AND ANOTHER ON THE JAYS.

WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?

MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING I MISSED HERE.

UH, MIKE, LOOK, THAT'S--THAT'S NO GOOD.

CLYDE ALREADY SAID I'M CUT OFF.

YOU BET WITH CLYDE, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER?

YOU BET WITH CLYDE? THAT GUY'S A FUCKIN' PSYCHO!

ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR MIND, CORY?

WELL, NOBODY ELSE WOULD TAKE MY ACTION!

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

ALL RIGHT, WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S 7:28. WE GOT 2 FUCKING MINUTES.

YO, JOEY, WHAT'S UP? YEAH, IT'S MIKE.

YEAH. HEY, LISTEN, YOU REMEMBER MY FRIEND

BRETT, RIGHT?

YEAH. $50-BRETT. YEAH. HE'S HIT IT BIG NOW

IN SOME MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING SCHEME

OR SOMETHING, AND HE'S BACK IN TOWN,

AND HE WANTS TO THROW DOWN SOME ACTION.

CAN YOU DO IT? YEAH, I'LL VOUCH FOR HIM.

HE'S RIGHT HERE. YOU WANNA TALK TO HIM?

LISTEN. JUST SAY YOU WANT THE SAME THING AS MIKEY

AND THAT YOU'RE GOOD FOR IT, OK?

YEAH. SAME THING AS MIKEY, AND I'M GOOD FOR IT.

NO PROBLEM.

YO, UH, JOEY, WHAT'S UP?

UH, YEAH, JUST GIVE ME THE SAME THING--WHAT?

OH, UH, YEAH, JUST GOT BACK INTO TOWN.

UH-HUH. FROM, UH...

FROM, UH...

ATLANTIC CITY. NEW YORK. NEW YORK.

MIAMI. MIAMI.

SALT LAKE CITY.

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I'M ROLLING DOWN THERE, BRO.

OH, NO, NO, NONE OF THAT $50 BULLSHIT ANYMORE.

NO, I'M STRAIGHT UP BIG BANK HANK IN '98, NIGGA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M JUST TRYING TO SPEAK HIS LANGUAGE. I DON'T KNOW.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN', RIGHT?

I'M THROWIN' DOWN BUCKETS-O'-DUCATS.

YEAH, MAN! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, RIGHT?

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHO I AM, JOEY, RIGHT?

I'M THE O.G. DOPE IN THE MOTHERFUCKIN' HOUSE, NIGGA!

TAFT HIGH SCHOOL, BABY!

YEAH! DON'T THINK I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.

WE USED TO CALL YOU JOEY CAPEZIO

BECAUSE YOU USED TO WEAR THOSE WHITE CAPEZIOS

WITH THE SERGIO VALENTE PANTS AND THE SHAM SHIRTS

AND THE COMB IN YOUR BACK POCKET,

CRUISING DOWN VENTURA BOULEVARD IN YOUR GREEN SUZUKI SAMURAI

AND YOUR VANILLA ICE HAIRDO.

MAN, YOU WERE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!

YEAH, I KNOW THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

BUT IT'S ALSO BEEN A LONG TIME

SINCE I MADE ANY KIND OF A $50 BET,

BUT YOU DON'T SEEM TO HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS

REMEMBERING THAT, NOW, DO YOU? THE POINT IS THIS...

I'M A JEW, RIGHT?

AND JEWS ARE KNOWN FOR WHAT?

THAT'S RIGHT! MONEY, HONEY!

AND RIGHT NOW I GOT TRUCKLOADS OF IT.

JUST PUT ME DOWN FOR WHATEVER MIKEY'S DOWN FOR,

AND WIN OR LOSE, DINNER THIS WEEKEND IS ON ME

AT THE STAGEBRUSH CANTINA.

WE'LL GO TO PELICANS AFTERWARDS FOR DRINKS, OK?

ALL RIGHT, COOL. YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

UH, GREAT. PEACE OUT.

CIAO.

YO, JOEY. YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH, HE HAS CERTAINLY CHANGED A LOT. YEAH.

UH...OK.

YEAH. UM...

ALL RIGHT. YEAH. LATER, DUDE. BYE.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHAT'D I DO?

WATCH HIM LOSE HIS LUNCH.

YOU JUST WENT DOWN ON PAPER FOR 10 LARGE

WITH JOEY CALDERA.

$10,000?

TO JOEY C. OF CHATSWORTH?

YEAH. AND I VOUCHED FOR YOU.

HOW SICK IS THAT? OH, MY GOD.

YOU GOT A COUPLE OF REAL FRIENDS THERE, CORY.

THESE GUYS PUT THEIR ASSES ON THE LINE FOR YOU.

I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT.

HE KNOWS. COME ON, LET'S JUST WATCH THE GAMES, BUDDY.

Mike: AND SO, WE SAT AND SWEATED THE GAMES.

FOR A WHILE, IT LOOKED LIKE WE HAD A CHANCE.

THE DODGERS LOOKED GOOD EARLY, AND SO DID THE LAKERS.

EVEN THE KINGS CAME OUT STRONG,

BUT JUST AS I THOUGHT THIS MORNING, THEY ALL FOLDED.

THE DODGERS' BULLPEN COULDN'T CLOSE.

THE KINGS' NEW GOALIE GOT STONED. EVEN THE LAKERS

GAVE UP A FOURTH QUARTER LEAD AND LOST IN OVERTIME.

NOW, CORY OBVIOUSLY HAD REASON TO SWEAT,

BUT SO DID BRETT AND I.

TOGETHER, WE WERE DOWN FOR 20 GRAND,

AND NONE OF US HAD IT.

CLEMENS HAD PITCHED MASTERFULLY,

BUT HE WAS GETTIN' TIRED.

THE YANKS WERE STARTIN' TO GET TO HIM.

ALL RIGHT. GET HIM OUTTA THERE. HE'S EXHAUSTED.

HE'S TIRED ALREADY. HE'S AN OLD MAN.

YEAH, HE'S DONE A GREAT JOB.

THAT'S ALL HE CAN DO.

COME ON, BRING IN THE CLOSER.

OH, GOD. HE'S GONNA BLOW IT.

[SIGHS] I CAN'T WATCH THIS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA LOSE. I SWEAR TO GOD,

I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF IF THEY LOSE.

BRETT, WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE?

YOU'RE GONNA JINX IT.

HE'S GOT THE BASES LOADED WITH NOBODY OUT.

ALL THEY NEED IS A BASE HIT, AND WE LOSE.

All: SHUT UP!

THE HARDEST THING TO DO IN SPORTS

IS HIT A BASEBALL.

I SHOULD BE IN THERE PITCHING RIGHT NOW.

NO, WE'LL DO JUST FINE WITH HIM, OK?

ARE YOU NUTS? DO YOU KNOW

HOW MANY PITCHES HE'S THROWN?

CLEMENS IS A CHAMPION.

YOU CAN'T BEAT A MAN WITH THE HEART OF A CHAMPION.

HE WON'T LET YA.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

LOOK, TRUST ME.

IF THEY LEAVE HIM IN, WE'LL WIN.

IF THEY TAKE HIM OUT, WE TAKE OUR CHANCES.

THEY SHOULD JUST LET HIM CLOSE IT OUT.

TV Announcer: RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

MR. GASTON, IT LOOKS LIKE...

[SIGHS]

HE'S DONE THE RIGHT THING NOW,

'CAUSE CLEMENS LOOKS LIKE...

Second announcer: I THINK SO.

IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S-- HE'S GONNA PULL HIM.

YES IT IS. HE'S PULLING HIM OUT.

AND WHO--WHO ARE THE, UH, BLUE JAYS GONNA TAP?

YES, THEY ARE. THEY'RE TAPPING...

THE YOUNG--YES, IT IS.

IT IS MATT REED.

All: MATT REED?!

THE UPSTART ROOKIE IS COMING IN

TO RELIEVE ROGER CLEMENS.

THAT'S RIGHT. MATT REED,

THE BIG VALLEY BOY FROM CALIFORNIA.

OH! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?

THIS IS FUCKIN' UNBELIEVABLE.

LITTLE MATTY REED IS PITCHING

IN THE BIGGEST GAME OF OUR LIVES?

I MEAN, I HEARD HE GOT DRAFTED,

BUT THAT WAS A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

HE WAS IN THE MINORS, YOU PUTZ.

YOU REMEMBER THE MINORS?

PEOPLE GO THERE BEFORE THEY MAKE IT TO THE SHOW?

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S YOUNGER THAN US.

I CAN. I USED TO LOCK HIM IN HIS GYM LOCKER

WHEN HE WAS A FRESHMAN.

OH, GREAT.

YOU FUCKIN' KIDDIN' ME?

WELL, THAT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL KARMICALLY.

FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

WE'RE RELYING ON MATTY REED TO BAIL US OUT

OF THE BIGGEST GAME OF OUR FUCKIN' LIVES,

AND YOU USED TO LOCK HIM IN HIS FUCKIN' GYM LOCKER?

WELL, IF I HAD A CRYSTAL BALL--

[ALL YELLING]

SHUT UP!

GUYS, WE'VE GOT A SHOT, OK?

MATT'S A WINNER.

HE'S ALWAYS BEEN A WINNER.

WE'VE GOT A SHOT. MIKE,

WHAT IS IT WITH THIS WINNER-LOSER BULLSHIT?

YEAH, PLEASE EXPLAIN.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WINNING AND LOSING,

GENTLEMEN, IS INTANGIBLE.

IT'S NOT SHOWN IN THE STATS,

IT'S NOT MEASURED IN PERCENTAGES.

IT'S ONLY FOUND

IN A FEW VERY SPECIAL, VERY RARE PEOPLE,

AND IT'S FOUND IN THE HEART...

THE WILL TO WIN.

ROCKY MARCIANO, 49 AND 0.

NEVER LOST. REFUSED.

JOE MONTANA...

2 MINUTES LEFT, DOWN BY 6, 80 YARDS TO GO.

YOU KNEW JOE WAS GONNA

PUT IT IN THE END ZONE, SEE?

MATT REED'S A WINNER. HE PLAYED WITH

MY FRIEND SHAYMIS' SON IN WINTER BALL.

YOU GOT A SHOT, BOYS.

TV announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WELCOME BACK TO YANKEE STADIUM.

AS THE YANKEES FACE THE BLUE JAYS,

ROGER CLEMENS HAS JUST BEEN TAKEN OUT OF THE GAME,

AND THE YOUNG ROOKIE MATT REED

IS COMING IN TO RELIEVE HIM.

Mike: HERE'S MATT REED...

SOMEONE WE ALL WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH.

EVEN THOUGH HE WANTED TO HANG OUT WITH US,

ALL HE GOT WAS CORY STUFFING HIM IN HIS LOCKER.

MATTY REED CAME INTO THAT GAME

AND STRUCK OUT THE ONLY 3 BATTERS HE FACED,

AND WE ALL WON...

BUT THERE WAS NO CHEERING,

AND BRETT DIDN'T DO HIS LITTLE VICTORY DANCE.

I MEAN, HERE HE IS

CLOSING OUT A GAME ON NATIONAL TELEVISION,

AND WHAT ARE WE DOIN'?

TV announcer: STRIKE 3! JEETER HAS--

JUST WATCHING.

TO END THE GAME, AND THE NEW YORK YANKEES--

I GUESS THERE COMES A MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE

WHEN YOU LOOK AT SOMEONE, SOMEONE LIKE MATT,

FILLED WITH TALENT AND BEAUTY,

AND IT MAKES YOU REFLECT ON YOUR OWN LIFE,

OR LACK THEREOF.

NONE OF US SAID A WORD. WE ALL JUST WENT HOME.

I'D JUST LIKE TO THANK GOD.

♪ LATELY I'VE BEEN STRESSIN' ♪

♪ AND I'M ONLY 17

♪ EVERYBODY'S ON MY BACK

♪ AND THAT AIN'T WHAT I NEED, NO NOT THIS TIME ♪

♪ I KEEP LOOKIN' FOR A CLUE, I NEED A SIGN ♪

Mike: THE NEXT NIGHT WAS MONDAY NIGHT.

DATE NIGHT.

THE NIGHT WE ALL GOT TOGETHER

AND TOOK OUR RESPECTIVE GIRLFRIENDS OUT

FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

NOW, THE GIRLS USED TO COMPLAIN AS TO WHY

WE DECIDED ON A MONDAY NIGHT

AS THE NIGHT TO TAKE THEM OUT,

BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THEM,

NOTHING EVER REALLY HAPPENS ON A MONDAY NIGHT.

THEY FELT THEY WERE GETTIN' THE SHORT END OF THE STICK.

WHAT THEY DIDN'T REALIZE

IS THAT IT WAS REALLY A COMPROMISE.

YES, FOR THE MOST PART,

WE CHOSE THAT NIGHT BECAUSE IT'S TRUE,

NOTHING GOOD REALLY HAPPENS ON A MONDAY NIGHT.

EXCEPT FOR 16 WEEKS OUT OF EACH YEAR

DURING FOOTBALL SEASON, IT WAS A LIVING HELL.

NOT ONLY DID WE HAVE

TO SWEAT OUT OUR MONDAY NIGHT ACTION IN THE DARK,

BUT FOR THOSE 16 WEEKS, WE HAD TO ACTUALLY PRETEND

THAT WE WERE INTERESTED IN ANYTHING ELSE.

THE COOL THING WAS

WHOEVER DIDN'T BRING A DATE ON DATE NIGHT

HAD TO BUY DRINKS FOR A WEEK.

I PERSONALLY NEVER REALLY HAD A PROBLEM WITH THIS,

BUT TONIGHT, DAVID HAD REASON TO SWEAT.

YOU GUYS AREN'T GONNA FUCKIN' BELIEVE THIS,

BUT, UH, THE GIRL

I WAS SUPPOSED TO HOOK UP WITH TONIGHT,

SHE GOT STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

SWEAR TO GOD.

NO, I'M TELLIN' YOU, IT'S THE GOD'S HONEST TRUTH.

THE DOORS OPENED, SHE FORGOT TO TURN SIDEWAYS,

AND SHE GOT HER ASS STUCK ON THE WAY OUT.

[LAUGHS]

THAT'S FUNNY. WHAT, YOU--YOU SERIOUS?

IT'S FUCKIN' UNBELIEVABLE. ME, RIGHT?

HEY, YOU THINK YOU FEEL BAD NOW,

YOU SHOULD SEE THE BEAUTY

THAT BRETT WALKED IN WITH.

DO I KNOW HER? NO,

ACTUALLY, THIS IS OUR FIRST DATE,

BUT I THINK SHE REALLY LIKES ME.

NO KIDDIN'.

OH, SHE'S SO HOT, BRO.

[WHISPERS] On fire.

OH, AND SHE TOTALLY WORKS OUT, TOO, BRO.

SHE'S SO ATHLETIC. [SIGHS]

I--I WAS GRABBIN' HER ASS

ON THE WAY IN HERE,

AND SHE WAS TOTALLY DIGGIN' IT.

I CAN'T FUCKIN' BELIEVE THIS.

YOU SHOW UP WITH A BOMBSHELL,

AND I GET STOOD UP.

WHAT'S HER NAME?

OH, THAT'S THE BEST PART.

THIS IS CANDY.

ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?

SHE'S A KNOCKOUT.

YOU KNOW, I TOLD YOU TO WEAR SOMETHING SEXY,

AND...YOU DID. YOU REALLY DID.

♪ SHE'S GOT EYES SO DRY

♪ AND A FACE LIKE A MAGNET

Rachel: NOW, CAN WE PLEASE SIT DOWN? I'M STARVING.

Zig: ABSOLUTELY. PLEASE,

I'VE GOT A NICE TABLE FOR YOU BACK HERE.

OH, HEY, UH, ZIG, YOU KNOW WHERE DAVID IS?

HE'S FIXIN' HIS HAIR, AS USUAL.

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND HIM.

UH, LADIES, I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU, UH, FOLLOW ZIG TO THE TABLE,

ORDER SOME COCKTAILS, AND, UH,

WE'LL GO FIND DAVID AND BE RIGHT WITH YOU, OK?

Girls: OK.

ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART.

HOW YOU BEEN, RACHEL?

GO AHEAD. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[BOTH LAUGH]

OH, IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE HAD ANY, MAN.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT MY FIRST TIME TO THE PLATE IN 6 MONTHS

AND I GET TO CONNECT WITH SOMEONE LIKE HER.

WHOO! HA!

[LAUGHS] HUH? HUH?

W-W-WAIT A SECOND. 6 MONTHS?

WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT THE CHICK

YOU WERE DATING FOR A COUPLE WEEKS?

UH... [SNAPS FINGERS]

OH, SHIT. YEAH, RIGHT. W-WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

THAT, UH, UM, RIGHT. THE STARBUCKS--

THAT STARBUCKS CHICK. HEATHER.

HEATHER? I--I DON'T REALLY RECALL HEATHER.

COME ON, ROMEO.

DON'T PLAY STUPID WITH US.

SHE'S ALL YOU EVER TALKED ABOUT

FOR A WEEK FOR CHRISSAKES, MAN.

OH! OH, THAT HEATHER.

RIGHT. THAT HEATHER, YEAH.

SHE DIDN'T, UH, RETURN MY CALLS.

OH. WHY, WHAT'D YOU DO?

NOTHING...

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING.

[SIGHS]

I KNOW. YOU MADE HER PAY FOR HALF THE BILL,

DIDN'T YOU, YOU CHEAP FUCKER?

OH, YOU'RE SUCH A JEW.

NO, THAT WASN'T IT. I PAID.

THAT'S A MIRACLE.

DONALD TRUMP OVER HERE

ACTUALLY PICKED UP A FRAPPUCCINO.

WAIT, WAIT, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

YOU PUT ON ONE OF THOSE, UH, TRACK SUITS

AND YOUR FAKE GOLD MEDALLION,

AND YOU TRIED TO PAWN YOURSELF OFF

AS ONE OF THOSE ISRAELI GANGSTERS, RIGHT?

HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA TELL YA?

JUST--JUST-- JUST BE YOURSELF.

NO, I DIDN'T DO THAT ONE, EITHER,

BUT THANKS.

YOU SAID IT, DIDN'T YOU?

WHAT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID IT AGAIN.

NOT AGAIN.

SAID WHAT?

YOU SAID "I LOVE YOU" ON THE FIRST DATE.

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

NO, I DIDN'T.

OF COURSE YOU DID. LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKIN' LIAR. LOOK AT YOU.

FINE. IT MIGHT HAVE JUST SLIPPED OUT.

SLIPPED OUT. [LAUGHS]

BRETT, BRETT, GIRLS DO NOT

WANNA HEAR THAT SHIT ON THE FIRST DATE.

I MEAN, YOU'RE LUCKY SHE DIDN'T FILE

A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU, YOU PUTZ.

LISTEN,

WE WERE AT STARBUCKS,

AND IT HAPPENED.

I--I--I JUST FELL IN LOVE, OK?

I MEAN, I--I HOPED THAT YOU GUYS

WOULD BE HAPPY FOR ME.

YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH THE IDEA OF SCREWIN' HER BRAINS OUT.

YOU GOTTA LEARN HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO.

YOU GOTTA DIFFERENTIATE.

YEAH, DIFFERENTIATE.

MIKE, MIKE. LOOK,

GO EASY ON HIM, ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, UH, HEATHER,

THAT--THAT--THAT'S A LITTLE GIRL,

BUT, UH, CANDY, I MEAN,

COME ON, MAN. THAT'S A WOMAN.

THAT'S MORE THAN A WOMAN.

Jennifer: SO, RACHEL, HOW IS SCHOOL GOING?

IT'S GOING WELL. I MEAN, IT'S HARD WORK,

BUT I'M LEARNING A LOT. WELL, OF COURSE,

I DON'T GET TO SEE MIKE AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE.

IT SEEMS EVERY TIME I HAVE A SPARE MINUTE,

HE'S OFF SOMEWHERE, DOWN A COUPLE OF DIMES

AND JUST HAS TO BREAK EVEN, OR ELSE, YOU KNOW?

I'VE STOPPED ASKING CORY WHAT'S GOING ON ALTOGETHER,

AND WE HAVE BEEN SO MUCH HAPPIER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GETTING SO WORKED UP FOR.

IT MUST BE THE PRIDE, BECAUSE IT CAN'T BE THE MONEY.

I MEAN, THEY BET, LIKE, A DIME ON THIS GAME,

A NICKEL ON THAT GAME. I MEAN, ONCE I WAS, LIKE,

"CORY, JUST TAKE MY WHOLE JAR OF QUARTERS AND GO DOWN

AND PAY THE BOOKIE OFF ONCE AND FOR ALL

AND BE DONE WITH IT."

HE JUST GAVE ME THE MEANEST LOOK

AND TOLD ME THAT I DID NOT UNDERSTAND.

[DEEP VOICE LAUGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

OH, SHIT! OH, SHIT!

I LOVE THIS SHOW!

David: YOU GUYS REMEMBER WHEN T.J.

USED TO PUT HIS HAT ON BACKWARDS?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOIN' BACK HERE?

I'M STARVING.

HEY, LISTEN, WE'RE CONSOLING DAVID.

HE GOT STOOD UP TONIGHT.

YEAH, SHE GOT STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR.

Cory: MAN, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE 'EM LIKE THIS ANYMORE?

YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH, THE WHITE SHADOW

OR--OR--OR SHAZAM? REMEMBER SHAZAM?

CORY, CORY, CORY, CORY, CORY,

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

SHAZAMWAS LAME.

HE LIVED IN A FUCKIN' WINNEBAGO.

YEAH, BUT HE WAS COOL.

NO, HE WASN'T.

HE WAS A FUCKED UP SUPERHERO.

YOU'RE A FUCKED UP SUPERHERO.

YEAH, WELL, I DON'T LIVE IN A WINNEBAGO, OK?

YOU GUYS DIDN'T EAT ALREADY, DID YOU?

HEY, RELAX, RACHEL. I'LL LAY 3 TO 1

YOU AND JENNIFER HAVEN'T FINISHED YOUR COCKTAILS YET.

YOU KNOW WHAT, CORY?

I'D REALLY LOVE TO TELL JENNIFER

THAT SHE'S LIVING IN DENIAL ABOUT YOUR GAMBLING HABIT,

BUT I'M AFRAID THAT SHE WOULD JUST THINK

I WAS REFERRING TO THE RIVER IN EGYPT.

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. SHE'S NEVER HEARD OF EGYPT.

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT, MARGE?

I'M JUST GONNA HAVE A SALAD.

OH, YEAH. ME, TOO.

YEAH, I'M, UH, TRYIN' TO EAT HEALTHIER THESE DAYS.

MAKE IT, UH, MAKE IT 3, MARGE, WOULD YA?

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE, HONEY?

HELLO.

HI, I--I WAS HERE LAST WEEK,

AND I SPOKE TO THIS OLDER MAN.

HE TOLD ME TO FILL THIS OUT

AND GIVE IT TO SOMEONE NAMED DAVID.

IS THAT YOU?

YEAH, I'M DAVID. IS THAT A JOB APPLICATION?

YEAH, IT SURE IS.

SARA. THAT'S MY FAVORITE NAME.

[LAUGHS]

SARA, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

UH, DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

NO.

HMM...

AND, UH, IF YOU WERE TO WORK HERE

AND I WAS TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU,

WOULD YOU SUE FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT?

NO.

YOU'RE HIRED.

LISTEN, UH, WHERE YOU FROM?

VIRGINIA. VIRGINIA,

AND WHY DID YOU MOVE HERE?

I'M AN ACTRESS.

OF COURSE YOU ARE. NOW LISTEN, YOUR FIRST JOB

IS GONNA BE IN THE DINNER THEATER TONIGHT.

YOU'RE PLAYING THE ROLE OF THE GIRL

WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE MY DATE.

WHEN WE GET TO THE TABLE, JUST BE VERY SORRY

AND MAKE UP SOME STUPID STORY AS TO WHY YOU WERE LATE, OK?

WHAT'S IT PAY?

ANYTHING ON THE MENU, BEST CHAMPAGNE IN THE HOUSE.

DEAL.

I'LL JUST, UH, HAVE A SALAD, MARGE.

I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY. [CLEARS THROAT]

I'D LIKE THE, UH, FILET MIGNON, MEDIUM,

AND I'LL HAVE A CAESAR SALAD

AND THE CALAMARI TO START.

ANYTHING TO DRINK?

A GLASS OF CHIANTI WILL BE FINE, THANKS.

I AM SO SORRY I'M LATE. I HAD THE HARDEST TIME

GETTING OUT OF MY OFFICE BUILDING.

THERE WAS A POWER OUTAGE,

AND I GOT STUCK IN THE ELEVATOR.

[LAUGHS]

[CLICKS]

♪ I DON'T HAVE A LIFE

♪ TO GIVE YOU ON THIS DAY, BUT I ♪

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

WATCHIN' THE SUN RISE.

OH, YEAH. IT'S VERY NICE.

WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS WHO WERE THE GUYS

WHO ORIGINALLY THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS GONNA BE A GOOD IDEA?

YEAH, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I GOTTA

TELL YA, THAT'S ABOUT THE UGLIEST THING

I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, I THINK.

YEAH, BUT SEE, IT'S CHEESY STUFF LIKE THIS

THAT MAKES THIS PLACE, YOU KNOW?

KINDA LIKE DISCO. LIKE, IT'S SO BAD

THAT WHEN IT COMES BACK AROUND, IT'S GOOD AGAIN,

YOU KNOW? MMM.

KINDA LIKE YOU.

♪ YOU WERE ALWAYS GIVIN' ME ♪

♪ MORE THAN ENOUGH

WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME

WHY YOU INSIST ON TAKIN' A SHIT

WITH THE DOOR OPEN ALL THE TIME?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU CLAUSTROPHOBIC?

WELL, MAYBE THAT HAS TO DO WITH THIS

BEING THE SMALLEST SHITTER ON PLANET EARTH, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO LEG ROOM IN HERE,

AND, UH, AND WHAT'S WITH THIS TOILET PAPER HERE?

IT'S LIKE FUCKIN' ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? TALK TO MY DAD, WOULD YA?

JESUS CHRIST. I MEAN, EVERY TIME I WALK IN HERE,

I FEEL LIKE A MIDGET BUILT THE PLACE, YOU KNOW?

EVERY TIME I OPEN THE DOOR, I FEEL LIKE BILLY BARTY

OR HERVE VILLACHEZ IS GONNA COME RUNNIN' OUT.

IT'S CREEPY.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT'S CREEPY IS THAT SMELL

YOU GOT COMIN' OUT OF YOUR ASS. JESUS.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, CANDY?

YES, BRETT?

I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER FELT LIKE THIS

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

ME, EITHER, BRETT.

[SIGHS] AND CANDY?

YES, BRETT?

GOD, IT'S SUCH A SEXY NAME.

I'M THE KINDA GUY

THAT BELIEVES IN FOLLOWING HIS INSTINCTS.

ME, TOO, BRETT.

I SWEAR TO GOD. YOU'RE LIKE DOUG HENNING.

WHERE DID YOU PULL THAT CHICK, OUT OF A HAT?

SHE'S A SWEETHEART, ISN'T SHE?

SHE'S TERRIFIC. UH, SHE GOT A SISTER?

YEAH, SHE DOES,

BUT YOU WOULDN'T LIKE HER. SHE CAN READ.

[LAUGHS] VERY FUNNY.

VERY FUNNY. WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK

I COULD, UH, DATE A BROAD WHO'S INTELLECTUAL?

YEAH, I KNOW YOU COULDN'T

DATE A BROAD WHO'S INTELLECTUAL.

IT WOULD MAKE YOU FUCKIN' MENTAL, MAN.

YOU KNOW, I--I--I WISH I WAS LIKE YOU, THOUGH.

I REALLY DO. I WISH I COULD

STAND TO BE WITH A GIRL LIKE JENNIFER

BECAUSE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, AND SHE'S SWEET,

AND SHE'S NICE, AND SHE TAKES CARE OF YOU.

I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHIN'S WRONG WITH ME, MAN.

I NEED TO BE WITH THESE WOMEN

WHO ARE SMART AND QUICK AND CALL ME ON MY SHIT

AND DON'T TAKE ANY OF MINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

[LAUGHS] YOU'RE SO FUCKED UP.

YOU KNOW, YOU SPEND

SO MUCH TIME HANGIN' AROUND WITH YOUR FRIENDS

THAT YOU FORGET THAT YOUR BEST FRIEND

SPENDS MOST OF HER TIME WAITING AROUND FOR YOU.

I MEAN, THESE GUYS...

THEY CAN'T DO WHAT YOU DO,

AND YOU CARRY THEM.

YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME SAVING THEIR ASSES

THAT YOU FORGET TO WATCH OUT FOR YOURSELF.

SO, UH, YOU TAKIN'

THE, UH, LAKER GAME TOMORROW NIGHT?

ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDIN' ME?

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKIN' KIDDIN' ME.

MOTHERFUCKER. IF IT WASN'T

FOR BRETT AND FUCKIN' MIKE,

YOUR ASS WOULD BE

PUSHIN' UP DAISIES RIGHT NOW.

JESUS, I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU'D FUCKIN' DO THAT TO THEM.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

NO ONE WOULD TAKE YOUR ACTION, ANYWAY.

I'M JUST ASKIN'.

FINE, FINE, FINE. THE LAKERS ARE LAYIN' 8.

DID YOU PLAY IT?

OF COURSE I PLAYED IT. LAKERS ARE A LOCK.

WELL, YOU MIGHT WANT TO, UH,

REMEMBER THAT THEY'RE PLAYING IN DENVER TOMORROW.

WE GOTTA TAKE THE, UH, ALTITUDE IN CONSIDERATION.

THE LAKERS COULD GET A LITTLE WINDED.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THE ONLY PERSON

GETTIN' WINDED OUT HERE IS ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HAVE THE DOCTOR

CHECK YOUR FUCKIN' COLON,

YOU STINKY MOTHERFUCKER.

AH, YOU LOVE IT.

HEY! COME ON, THIS ISN'T FUNNY!

WILL YOU TURN THE LIGHTS ON?

BUDDY, PLEASE?!

[PAPER RATTLES, DIALS CELL PHONE]

HELLO? HEY, UH,

WHERE'D YOU SAY THE LINE WAS ON THE LAKER GAME?

OH, SO, NOW, I'M CUT OFF?

WHAT, I--I CAN'T ASK WHAT THE LINE IS?

I TOLD YOU, YOU'LL GET YOUR MONEY WHEN YOU GET IT,

AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, TOUGH CRACKERS.

GO FUCK YOURSELF!

BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE AN ACTRESS?

I MEAN, YOU SEEM SO MUCH SMARTER THAN THAT.

WHAT? DOES, UH, DOES EVERY ACTRESS HAVE TO BE

SOME SORT OF EMOTIONAL BASKET CASE

WHO NEVER REALLY GOT ENOUGH ATTENTION AS A CHILD?

SOMEONE WITH NO REAL SELF ESTEEM

AND NO SENSE OF WHO SHE IS AS A PERSON

AND WHO'S REALLY ONLY AN ACTRESS

BECAUSE SHE'S DESPERATELY SEARCHING

FOR SOMEONE TO GRANT HER SOME SORT OF VALIDATION

BY TELLING HER HOW GOOD SHE IS

OR HOW PRETTY SHE IS?

SO, YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH THE BEAST?

ALL TOO WELL. I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE STEREOTYPE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S AMAZING YOU HAVE SUCH GREAT PERSPECTIVE.

I MEAN, YOU MUST BE SECRETLY WEIRD OR SOMETHING.

YOU, UM, YOU HAVE A FATHER WHO KILLS CEREAL MAYBE?

[LAUGHS] NO. UM...

I--I BASICALLY COME FROM A REALLY HEALTHY FAMILY.

MY PARENTS ARE STILL TOGETHER.

I, UH, WAS NEVER BEATEN OR MOLESTED AS A CHILD.

UH, I'VE NEVER BEEN FUCKED OVER BY A GUY,

SO I'M NOT BITTER,

AND I DON'T SMOKE OR DO DRUGS.

AND YOU CALL YOURSELF AN ACTRESS.

I THOUGHT THOSE THINGS WERE PREREQUISITES.

ARE YOU ANY GOOD?

NO, REALLY, I MEAN, I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO HAVE

ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP EXPERIENCES TO DRAW ON.

SEE, I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKED UP

IN ORDER TO PLAY SOMEONE WHO'S FUCKED UP.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT "ACTING."

OTHERWISE, IT WOULD BE CALLED "REALITY."

I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY.

YOU RAISE A VERY GOOD POINT THERE.

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE SOME VICES. EVERYBODY DOES.

YOU MUST, UH, I KNOW. YOU'RE ONE

OF THOSE CLOSET HEALTH FREAKS, AREN'T YOU?

NOTHIN' BUT WHEAT GERM

AND HIGH COLONICS 4 TIMES A WEEK?

COFFEE COLONICS ON WEEKENDS WHEN YOU'RE FEELIN' NUTTY?

[LAUGHS] NO.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, THOUGH.

I--I DO HAVE A COUPLE OF THINGS.

LIKE WHAT?

WELL, I THINK I ENJOY SEX A LITTLE TOO MUCH,

AND I LOVE TO GAMBLE.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN THIS? [SNAP]

YES, BRETT.

[SIGHS] DO YOU THINK WE HAVE THIS?

[SNAP] YES, BRETT.

[WHISPERS] Cory, Cory, Cory, Cory.

I THINK THAT THERE'S SOMETHING

A LITTLE BIT STRANGE GOING ON WITH THAT CANDY GIRL.

REALLY? WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

I MEAN, SHE SEEMS REALLY NICE AND EVERYTHING,

AND I'M SURE THAT IT'S PROBABLY JUST MY IMAGINATION,

BECAUSE SHE HAD HER HAND

BETWEEN BRETT'S LEGS ALL NIGHT LONG,

BUT I COULD HAVE SWORN

THAT WHEN I GOT UP FROM THE TABLE,

THAT SHE GRABBED MY ASS.

REALLY?

I MEAN, I KNOW THERE'S WILD GIRLS AND STUFF,

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW

THAT BRETT WAS INTO THAT KIND OF THING.

HUH, ME, NEITHER. BESIDES...

NO ONE GRABS YOUR ASS WHEN I'M NOT AROUND.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

ARE YOU FEELING WHAT I'M FEELING?

YES, BRETT.

OH...

THEN CANDY--GOSH, I REALLY LOVE YOUR NAME--

DO YOU LIVE NEARBY?

RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

AND DID YOU PAY FOR YOUR PART OF THE CHECK?

I PAID FOR BOTH OF US.

OH! THEN CANDY...

YES, BRETT?

I...I...I THINK I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, BRETT.

IT'S A DUDE! AAH!

IT'S A DUDE! IT'S A DUDE!

BRETT'S KISSING A DUDE!

[LAUGHING]

AND YOU SAY NOTHING GOOD

EVER HAPPENS ON A MONDAY NIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S A HELL OF A WAY

TO KEEP FROM BUYING DRINKS, BRETT.

YEAH, NO SHIT.

I GUESS, TECHNICALLY, YOU DID HAVE A DATE,

SO YOU ARE OFF THE HOOK.

FUCK YOU, GUYS. I DIDN'T KNOW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!

TELL YOU? YOU COULD HAVE SHAVED HER

FROM A MILE AWAY.

SHE LOOKED LIKE CHARLIE BRONSON.

DIDN'T YOU SEE THE ADAM'S APPLE?

OBVIOUSLY NOT!

ALWAYS A DEAD GIVEAWAY.

ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE ADAM'S APPLE.

YOU GUYS ARE SUCH ASSHOLES!

HE WAS A HELL OF A KISSER, THOUGH.

OH, FOR CHRISSAKE.

SO'S YOUR FATHER.

WHERE ARE THE GIRLS?

THEY'RE IN THE BATHROOM.

ALL 3 OF 'EM?

WELL, YOU KNOW CHICKS.

FOR THEM, IT'S A GROUP THING.

David: YES, IT IS.

OH, SH--

Clyde: FUCK ME, CORY?

NO, FUCK YOU.

"CLYDE, I'M VERY SORRY,"

"CLYDE, I NEED MORE TIME,"

I COULD UNDERSTAND, BUT "FUCK YOU" IS SO...

INAPPROPRIATE.

YOU KNOW, GUYS,

THIS IS MY FATHER'S PLACE OF BUSINESS.

I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO--

OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!

NOW, YOUR FRIEND HERE OWES ME A GREAT DEAL OF MONEY,

AND RIGHT NOW HE'S BEING AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT.

SO EITHER YOU FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE THIS RIGHT,

OR HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO COME WITH ME.

BUDDY, PLEASE...

LOOK, I GOT A SOLUTION FOR ALL THIS, OK?

BOTH BRETT AND I HIT JOEY CALDERA LAST NIGHT

FOR 7,600 A PIECE.

NOW, THAT'S IF OUR HORSES DIDN'T COME IN.

IF THEY DID, IT'S A HELL OF A LOT MORE.

BUT I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT CHATSWORTH

PAYS OUT ON WEDNESDAY, AND TODAY IS MONDAY.

OF COURSE YOU'LL HELP YOUR FRIENDS.

JEWS, YOU STICK TOGETHER.

BUT THAT'S REALLY NOT GONNA HELP ME.

I NEED SOMETHING NOW, AND I'M SORRY,

BUT THE WORD OF A GAMBLER

RELYING ON THE PAYMENT OF A SECOND-RATE BOOK

TO COVER THE TRANSFER OF DEBT

FROM A FIRST-RATE DEGENERATE...

WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE,

THERE ARE FAR TOO MANY VARIABLES.

I HAVE HIM NOW.

HE'S MY COLLATERAL.

OUCH!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK. TAKE MY CAR.

IF I DON'T PAY YOU BACK BY THE END OF THE WEEK,

YOU CAN KEEP IT.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU GOT PAID WEDNESDAY.

IT'S A $50,000 CAR, TERRENCE.

IF JOEY C. DOESN'T COME UP WITH THE MONEY

BY WEDNESDAY,

MICHAEL WILL WANT AT LEAST 48 HOURS

TO COME UP WITH IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

HE'S NOT GONNA GIVE IT UP THAT EASILY.

HE'S NOT STUPID.

DO IT. SHOOT 'EM.

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR CAR FOR NOW, MICHAEL.

I'LL FADE YOU MYSELF TILL FRIDAY.

IF I DON'T GET MY MONEY THEN, YOUR CAR IS MINE.

IF YOU GIVE ME ANY PROBLEMS

REGARDING THIS MATTER,

I WON'T SEND ANYONE ELSE FOR YOU.

I'LL COME MYSELF.

HIS DEBT'S NOW YOURS.

GOOD LIKENESS OF YOU, AIN'T IT?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

NO, I-I'M FINE, MAN.

UH, WHAT'S GOING ON?

Mike: THE NEXT DAY, WE HAD PROBLEMS.

THERE WAS GOOD NEWS AND THERE WAS BAD NEWS.

THE GOOD NEWS WAS BRETT AND I HIT OUR HORSES

AND WE HIT 'EM BIG--

CLOSE TO 16,000 APIECE, AND THAT'S NOT COUNTING

THE 7,600 WE WON ON BASEBALL.

THE BAD NEWS WAS JOEY C. HAD DISAPPEARED

AND NOBODY KNEW WHERE HE WAS.

YOU SEE, TOGETHER BRETT AND I HIT JOEY C.

FOR ALMOST 50 GRAND, AND WHEN YOU

PLAY A SMALLER-SIZED BOOK LIKE THIS,

YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT GETTING YOUR LEGS BROKEN IF YOU LOSE,

BUT YOU MAY HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT GETTING PAID IF YOU WIN.

Mike: NOBODY KNOWS WHERE HE IS.

NOBODY CAN FIND HIM.

[SIGHS]

I CAN'T BELIEVE JOEY'S DUCKIN' US, MAN.

HE DOESN'T HAVE THE MONEY.

YEAH, I KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE THE MONEY.

[SIGHS]

WHY DO I ALWAYS DO THIS TO MYSELF?

BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT.

YOU WOULDN'T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.

WHAT?

YOU WOULDN'T BE HAPPY UNLESS YOU WERE

SHOULDERING THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD

FOR EVERYBODY ELSE.

IT'S YOUR PATHOLOGY.

I THINK YOU'VE BEEN HANGING OUT

WITH YOUR LITTLE ACTRESS FRIEND TOO LONG, BUDDY.

MAYBE SO, BUT AT LEAST SHE'S NOT A MAN.

[LAUGHING]

CORY HASN'T CALLED?

NO. I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

I HOPE HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.

YOU KNOW, IT'S GOING TO TAKE YOU A WHILE

TO LIVE THAT DOWN.

PROBABLY, UH... 20, 30 YEARS.

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

AND I LOOK FORWARD TO TALKING ABOUT IT

WITH YOU EVERY DAY.

OH, YOU WILL. WE'LL MAKE SURE OF THAT.

WHERE'S CORY?

HE WASN'T AT WORK,

HE WASN'T AT HOLLYWOOD PARK.

HE HASN'T EVEN BEEN HOME YET.

I DON'T WANNA SAY I'M WORRIED,

BUT...I'M WORRIED.

YOU DON'T THINK CLYDE GOT HIM?

NO. CLYDE'S A PSYCHO, BUT HE'S NOT A LIAR.

HE WOULDN'T GO BACK ON HIS WORD.

WE'VE GOT TILL FRIDAY.

MAYBE HE GOT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION

AND HE'S TRYING TO BLEND INTO SOCIETY AS A WOMAN.

YEAH. MAYBE BRETT COULD DATE HIM.

WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST MAN HE DATED.

HA HA. YOU GUYS ARE SO HILARIOUS,

YOU KNOW THAT?

ANYWAY, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WELL, IF WORSE COMES TO WORSE

AND WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM JOEY C. BY FRIDAY,

I'M NOT GONNA LET CLYDE TAKE YOUR CAR.

I'LL PAY HIM WITH THE MONEY MY GRANDPARENTS GAVE ME,

AND CORY'LL OWE ME.

HEH. YEAH, YOU'LL SEE THAT NEVER.

HE'S GOOD FOR IT.

WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.

I COVER CORY, YOU COVER ME,

YOUR 50 GRAND IS DOWN TO 35,

THE REST OF US ARE FUCKIN' BROKE...

Cory: HEY, RELAX.

YOU'RE GONNA GIVE YOURSELF A CORONARY.

WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?

WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?

WELL, IT'S A LONG STORY.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD REALLY GET STARTED--

WE'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.

OH, FOR YOUR MEASLY 46K?

CHILL. CAN'T A BROTHER GO TO VEGAS

WITHOUT CHECKING IN WITH HIS FUCKIN' DEGENERATES

FOR ONE DAY?

YOU WENT TO VEGAS?

Bre TOGETHER?

Mike: AND YOU CAME BACK WITH MONEY.

LOTS OF MONEY--WELL AT LEAST I DID.

CORY STILL CAN'T HOLD ONTO A CENT,

YO, BUT THAT'S NOT HIS FAULT.

MOTHERFUCKER'S VOODOO.

NOT FOR LONG.

THAT'S RIGHT. 'CAUSE IF THERE'S ANYBODY

ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH THAT'S DUE,

IT'S MY BOY RIGHT HERE.

David: YEAH, I HATE TO ADMIT IT,

BUT I GOTTA AGREE WITH HIM ON THIS ONE.

NOT ONLY THAT, I ALSO FIGURED A WAY

FOR US TO GET OUR SPORTS BAR

AND HIT THAT SON OF A BITCH CLYDE ONCE AND FOR ALL.

Bre OOH, THIS I WANNA HEAR.

YO, YOU WANT ME TO EXPLAIN?

PLEASE, VANILLA, ALLOW ME.

SEE, IT, UH, ALL STARTED AFTER I LEFT LAST NIGHT.

DAVID, YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU OK?

NO, I'M--I'M FINE, MAN.

LISTEN, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR? TAKE--

NO, NO. COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR

AND TAKE JENNIFER HOME?

[FOOTSTEPS]

BUT CORY!

I JUST WANNA BE ALONE NOW, OK?

I'M SORRY, BUDDY.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[REVS ENGINE]

Cory: AND I JUST DROVE.

I WAS LIKE THE DRIVING GUMP.

I DROVE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WAS OR WHAT I WAS DOING,

TILL FINALLY I LOOKED UP AND I SAW THAT I WAS IN...

Bre VEGAS?

NO, ANAHEIM.

IT WAS THEN I REALIZED IT WAS ALMOST 2:00 IN THE MORNING,

SO I PULLED INTO A HOTEL FOR LAST CALL.

I DRANK ALONE AT THE END OF THE BAR

AND READ THE NEWSPAPER,

TRYING TO GET MY MIND OFF HOW MISERABLE I FELT.

BUT AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, IT WAS A LOCAL PAPER,

AND IN ANAHEIM ALL THEY TALK ABOUT

IS HOW TO BE UPTIGHT AND WHITE.

SO I TURNED TO THE SPORTS SECTION...

AND THERE IT WAS.

THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS ARE IN TOWN

PLAYING THE ANAHEIM ANGELS THIS WEEK,

AND MATT REED HAS BEEN MOVED INTO THE STARTING ROTATION.

HE'S SCHEDULED TO MAKE HIS FIRST MAJOR LEAGUE START,

FRIDAY AT 7:30 P.M.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

YEAH, BUT HOW DOES THAT HELP US?

HEY. HEY, CHIEF, COME HERE.

SEE THIS GUY RIGHT HERE?

I KNOW HIM! I MEAN, WE USED TO GO

TO FUCKIN' SCHOOL TOGETHER.

GUY'S A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.

OH, YEAH?

YOU SHOULD GO SAY HELLO, MAN.

THE GUY'S JUST SITTIN' RIGHT OVER THERE.

AND SO THE BARTENDER POINTS

TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BAR,

AND THERE...THERE SITTING BY HIMSELF

HAVING A DRINK AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING IS MATT REED.

AND THAT'S WHEN IT HITS ME...

THE WHOLE IDEA, THE WHOLE PLAN,

THE WAY I COULD REDEEM MYSELF

AND WE COULD CHANGE OUR LIVES FOREVER.

David: OH, MY GOD.

DON'T TELL ME.

YO, A BET FOR THE AGES,

FIXED BY THE BIGGEST JINX OF ALL TIME.

SO I CALLED JOEY C.

I NEEDED A BOOKIE FOR MY PLAN TO WORK--

ONE I COULD TRUST,

AND ONE WITH BALLS ENOUGH TO PULL IT OFF.

Joey: NOW, CONSIDERING THE SOURCE,

NATURALLY YOU CAN IMAGINE MY QUALMS.

HOWEVER, THE POTENTIAL UPSIDE TO THIS SITUATION

WAS SIGNIFICANT ENOUGH TO WARRANT MY ATTENTION.

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL HIM

FOR DRAGGIN' ME ALL THE WAY DOWN THERE

LIKE THAT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

ON SOME BULLSHIT STORY,

BUT THEN THE MOST AMAZING THING HAPPENED.

MATT REED.

IT'S CORY. REMEMBER ME?

HEY, CORY. HOW YOU DOIN'?

OK, MAN!

HE HATED ME. ALL THOSE YEARS

OF PUNISHMENT I GAVE HIM IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND HE DIDN'T FORGET ONE MOMENT OF IT.

YOU WANT A BEER OR SOMETHING?

AH, NO. YOU SURE?

YOU SURE? COME ON. HEY, CHUCK,

WILL YOU BRING A BEER FOR HIM?

YO, YO, HE OPENED HIS MOUTH,

AND THE MOST AMAZING BULLSHIT CAME OUT.

FIRST, HE SAID HE WAS SORRY

FOR WHAT AN ASSHOLE HE WAS BACK IN SCHOOL,

BUT THAT IT REALLY WASN'T HIS FAULT

BECAUSE HE CAME FROM A BROKEN HOME.

THEN HE HAD TOLD HIM

HE HAD BEEN A MILLIONAIRE...

HE EXPLAINED HOW HIS BUSINESSES FAILED...

HOW HIS WIFE LEFT HIM...

AND HOW HE HAD BEATEN CANCER.

AND HOW HIS SON HAD BOUGHT IT.

THEY TALKED FOR HOURS.

AND WHEN IT WAS ALL OVER, HE HAD CLOSED HIM.

SOMEHOW, CORY CONVINCED MATT THAT HIS LIFE

WAS IN MATT'S HANDS AND MATT COULD SAVE IT

AND TURN IT ALL AROUND FOR HIM

IF HE COULD ONLY HELP DETERMINE

THE OUTCOME OF ONE GAME.

ONE SIMPLE GAME OF BASEBALL.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

FRIDAY NIGHT MATT REED IS GONNA

GET LIT UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE, ISN'T HE?

I DIDN'T SAY IT. YOU DID.

BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS CAREER?

HE'S GONNA LOOK LIKE SHIT

THROWING GRAPEFRUITS DOWN THE MIDDLE

OF THE PLATE ALL NIGHT.

CHILL. IT'S ONLY ONE START.

AND HE'S A ROOKIE.

IT'LL BE HIS FIRST TIME OUT OF THE GATE.

A LOT OF YOUNG PLAYERS GET HAMMERED

THEIR FIRST TIME OUT.

PLUS, WE'RE GONNA TAKE CARE OF HIM, TOO.

GONNA GIVE HIM A NICE, BIG, FAT ENVELOPE

AND MAKE HIM A PARTNER OF MVPs.

YOU REALLY DID SELL HIM, DIDN'T YOU?

HE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ONE OF US.

I CAN'T IMAGINE IT WAS THAT HARD.

HEY, WHAT THE FUCK?

HEY, YOU GUYS ARE ACTING LIKE

I'M MAKING HIM WALK SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD,

FOR CHRISSAKES.

COME ON, I'M GIVING YOU OUR DREAMS

ON A SILVER PLATTER HERE,

AND YOU GUYS ARE ACTING LIKE

SOMEBODY JUST FUCKIN' DIED.

SOMEBODY DID.

HEY, MICHAEL.

YOU LOOKIN' FOR WORK?

YEAH.

OH, DON'T GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK.

WHAT'D YOU DO, GROW UP ON ME?

WHERE'S MICHAEL WITH THE SMART MOUTH?

THERE'S A PERSON HERE.

AN ACTUAL PERSON.

HMM, MAYBE I AM GROWING UP.

NO, THAT'D BE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR.

YOU QUIT GAMBLING?

I'M THINKIN' ABOUT IT.

KEEP THINKIN'.

HOW'S THAT GIRL OF YOURS?

SHE'S GOOD, SHE'S GOOD.

I'M THINKIN' ABOUT MARRYING HER.

WELL, STOP THINKIN'.

SHE'S A GOOD GIRL.

YOU'VE BEEN WITH HER A LONG TIME.

YOU CONFUSE ME. YOU KNOW THAT?

I MEAN, FIRST YOU TELL ME

I SHOULD KEEP THINKING,

NOW I SHOULD STOP THINKING...

OH, SOME PEOPLE.

THEY HANG AROUND AND THEY THINK.

AND THEN THEY SIT AROUND AND THEY TALK.

AND THEN THEY THINK AND THEY TALK AGAIN,

AND BEFORE THEY KNOW IT THEY'RE OLD AND THEIR LIFE HAS GONE BY,

AND THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING.

YOU GOTTA DO, SON.

YOU GOTTA DO.

YOU SEE THAT CHRYSLER OVER THERE?

I PUT AN ENGINE IN IT.

SEE THE FORD? I PUT A CARBURETOR IN IT.

AND THOSE 2 HUNKS OF METAL

ARE GONNA BE MOVING AROUND THIS CITY,

AND THEY ARE GONNA BE MOVING AROUND

BECAUSE I MADE THEM MOVE.

I DID THIS, I DID THAT.

NOBODY CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU ALWAYS SAID,

"MONEY WON IS TWICE AS SWEET AS MONEY EARNED"?

WELL, THAT'S BULLSHIT.

IT'S A LIE.

YOU EVER SPEND MONEY YOU WORKED YOUR ASS OFF FOR?

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

IT'S A GOOD FEELING,

'CAUSE IT MEANT SOMETHING TO YOU.

'CAUSE YOU EARNED IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, DAD?

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I LOVE YOU. THANKS.

I GOTTA GO DO SOMETHING.

YOU--YOU'RE ALWAYS IN SUCH A HURRY.

WHY, WHAT ARE YOU, SEA BISCUIT?

YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE A HEAD OF HAIR LIKE YOU.

HE'S A GOOD KID, MY KID.

Mike: MY DAD WAS RIGHT.

BUT CORY WAS RIGHT, TOO.

HE HAD HANDED US THE PERFECT PLAY,

AND WE COULDN'T PASS IT UP.

THIS WOULD BE OUR LAST SHOT, OUR TICKET TO A LIFE,

AND KNOWING HOW MATT REED WAS GONNA

LIVE HIS FRIDAY NIGHT WAS ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW.

CARMINE. JOEY C. WHAT'S UP?

LISTEN. I GOT A CLIENT HERE,

HE'S LAYIN' SOME BIG NUMBERS,

AND I GOTTA CALL SOME OFF.

YOU WANT SOME?

40 DIMES.

Mike: WE NEEDED JOEY BECAUSE HE WAS A SMALL-TIME BOOK.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, MY MAN.

AND WHEN SMALL-TIME BOOKS GET BIG ACTION,

SOMETIMES THEY HAVE TO CALL OFF A PERCENTAGE

TO A BIGGER BOOK WHO HAS THE BANKROLL TO COVER IT.

YO, LOWENSTEIN. WHAT'S UP? JOEY C.

LISTEN, I GOT MY MAN HERE.

WANTS TO SET UP AN ACCOUNT WITH YOU.

Mike: AND THEN WE SET UP DOZENS OF DUMMY ACCOUNTS

UNDER FAKE NAMES WITH EVERY BOOKIE WE KNEW,

AND JOEY VOUCHED FOR 'EM.

HE LIKES TO PLAY BIG NUMBERS,

SO I FIGURED I'D SEND HIM YOUR WAY.

WHAT?

Mike: MEANWHILE, THE REST OF US

SOLD EVERYTHING WE HAD.

BRETT LIQUIDATED HIS MUTUAL FUNDS FROM HIS BAR MITZVAH.

CORY SOLD HIS SHARES.

OK, HAIM, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

DAVID SOLD HIS WATCH.

500, TOPS.

EXCUSE ME?

IT'S NOT A FUGAZI. IT'S A FUCKIN' ROLI.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF WE GO TO THE SAME TEMPLE--

STOP CURSING. IT'S 500. I GIVE YOU 500.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PLACE. FUCK YOU.

Mike: AND I SOLD MY CAR.

IN 2 DAYS WE HAD RAISED OVER $250,000 IN CASH

AND HAD LAID OUT OVER $300,000 IN ACTION.

BUT SOMEHOW OUR MOODS WERE LIGHT.

YOU SEE, WE KNEW THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK,

SO WE JUST DECIDED TO ENJOY THE MOMENT,

BECAUSE TOMORROW WE WOULD EITHER BE RICH

AND HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANTED

OR THIS WOULD BE OUR LAST SUPPER.

[LAUGHING]

LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT

AFTER TOMORROW, YOU KNOW,

WE'VE GOTTA LIVE OUR LIVES SOMEWHAT DIFFERENTLY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, GUYS, YOU KNOW, UP UNTIL NOW

WE'VE BEEN...PRETTY IRRESPONSIBLE--

YOU COULD SAY.

WITH OUR LIVES, UH, AND, UH--WELL,

IF WE REALLY WANNA DO WHAT WE SAY WE WANNA DO,

WELL, THEN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE SOME CHANGES.

YEAH. AS IN, YOU CAN'T GO GAMBLING

OUR FUCKIN' BUSINESS AWAY, CORY.

Mike: YEAH.

YO, HE SHOULD BE CUT OFF PERMANENTLY.

WELL, WHY ME, HUH?

HOW COME YOU HAVE TO SINGLE ME OUT?

YOU NEED TO ASK?

I MEAN, I'M THE ONE WHO MADE THIS

ALL POSSIBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

NO, NO. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOT US IN TROUBLE

IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU FUCKIN' DEGENERATE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT SHOULDN'T JUST BE CORY.

IT SHOULD BE ALL OF US.

IT'S TOO FUCKIN' DANGEROUS.

YEAH, YEAH, I-I AGREE.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

WELL, I MEAN, MAYBE A--YOU KNOW,

MAYBE A LOTTERY TICKET

ONCE IN A WHILE

I THINK IS PROBABLY FAIR...

NOT EVEN BINGO WITH OLD LADIES, CORY,

'CAUSE THAT'S HOW IT STARTS.

THAT'S LIKE A GATEWAY DRUG, BRO.

Mike: YEAH.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS SHOULD DO?

YOU SHOULD ALL GAMBLE AMONGST YOURSELVES.

THIS WAY YOU CAN REGULATE IT.

WELL, HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HELP US?

YOU'RE A BOOKIE!

NOT WITH ME, YOU DEGENERATE.

THE 4 OF YOUSE. YOU KNOW, AFTER TONIGHT,

NO ONE'S GONNA BE ABLE TO BET WITH ME, ANYWAY.

YO, I'M GONNA BE A RESTAURATEUR.

GENTLEMEN, MAY TONIGHT MARK THE CLOSING

OF A VERY COLORFUL, VERY INSANE,

AND SOMETIMES VERY FUN CHAPTER

IN OUR LIVES,

AND MARK THE BEGINNING

OF A NEW AND UNEXPLORED ONE.

HERE, HERE.

OK, I'LL DRINK TO THAT.

All: CHEERS!

David: L'CHAYIM!

BEN GAZZARA.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO TONIGHT? BEN--

YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO?

WHAT?

WE SHOULD ENJOY THIS MEAL...

WE SHOULD ENJOY THE COMPANY OF OUR GOOD FRIENDS...

YES.

AND THEN WE SHOULD GO HOME

AND GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

NO PARTYING, NO STAYING UP ALL NIGHT.

WHY NOT?

All: YEAH!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ GUESS WHO I GOT IN THE BOAT WITH ME ♪

♪ COURAGE, DRINKS, STYLE LIFTIN' ME ♪

♪ SHOWIN' ME WHY I'M IN OVER MY HEAD ♪

LIKE THIS.

SPOCK.

OPEN YOUR SHOULDERS UP, YOU KNOW. SPOCK.

THEN YOU BRING 'EM IN. SPOCK.

SO, THERE'S JUST MORE SHOULDER AND LESS NECK,

REALLY, IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

SPOCK.

SPOCK.

I INVENTED THE JEWISH RELIGION.

MINUS 2.

JUST TRY IT. SPOCK, I WANT YOUR COCK.

SPOCK, I WANT YOUR COCK.

NO?

YEAH. UM, I'M CALLING ABOUT THE, UH, MASSAGE.

WELL, IT SAYS RIGHT HERE IN THE BOOK

THAT THIS IS A, UH, A MASSAGE SERVICE.

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. OH, OH, OH.

OK, GUYS, LISTEN.

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS FUCKIN' SERIOUS.

IF WE HIT THIS MOTHERFUCKER,

WEST PALM BEACH.

THAT'S MY CALL.

MY CALL IS FUCKIN' WEST PALM BEACH.

NO. FUCK THAT, MAN.

WHENWE CASH IN, BUDDY,

[SCOTTISH ACCENT] WE ARE GOING TO PLAY GOLF.

AND THE FATHERLAND OF GOLF IS SCOTLAND.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT] OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE,

WHY WOULD WE GO TO SCOTLAND?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THE MELON ON YOU.

THAT'S WHERE THEY INVENTED GOLF.

WELL, COULD YOU TAKE A MESSAGE

THAT I NEED A MASSAGE?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO IF WE LOSE, HUH?

YOU GOTTA RELAX, PAL.

LOOK, THE HARD PART IS OVER.

ALL WE GOTTA DO NOW IS SIT BACK AND LET IT HAPPEN.

TRUST ME, IT'S A LOCK.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S REALLY FUCKIN' EASY

FOR YOU TO SAY, MAN.

HOW MUCH OF YOUR DICK IS ON THE FUCKIN' TABLE?

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT'S PRETTY FUCKIN' SIMPLE, ISN'T IT?

IT'S ALWAYS EASIER TO BET

WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY, ISN'T IT?

YOU SHOULD BE FAMILIAR WITH THAT PHRASE.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PAID YOUR FUCKIN' TAB

IN MY FUCKIN' JOINT, MOTHERFUCKER?

HEY, HEY, LOOK. WAIT A SECOND, OK?

JUST HOLD ON.

I PUT MY ASS ON THE LINE JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

OH, REALLY? REALLY? YEAH.

NOBODY FUCKIN' TWISTED YOUR ARM

TO DO THIS, OK? FUCK OFF.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE BETTING YOUR OWN MONEY.

IT'S YOUR FUCKIN' GRANDPARENTS' MONEY,

SO GIVE ME A BREAK.

FUCK YOU.

WELL, FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!

Bre GUYS, FUCKIN' RELAX.

HELLO? UH, I'M CALLING FOR CANDY.

UH, CANDY CANE.

THIS IS, UH, THIS IS-- THIS IS CORY.

I'M--I'M BRETT'S FRIEND.

[SOFT ROCK PLAYING]

HI, DAD, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE STILL HERE.

I WASN'T. I COULDN'T SLEEP,

SO I CAME BACK TO TALK TO YOU.

DID YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU

A DRINK OR SOMETHING?

NO.

I CAME HERE TO, UH...

I CAME HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU, DAVID.

I KNOW YOU BOYS ARE TAKING A FLYER TOMORROW.

HOW'D YOU KNOW?

I KNOW EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON IN MY PLACE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I KNOW FOR HOW MUCH EXACTLY,

BUT I KNOW IT'S ENOUGH.

AND, UH...

WELL, I REALIZED I HADN'T TOLD YOU THAT

IN A LONG TIME.

SO I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, DAD.

YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, SON?

NOPE. HEH.

DON'T FORGET TO LOCK UP, ALL RIGHT?

THANKS, DAD.

[CLEARS THROAT]

WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?

WAS IT ABOUT MY TAB?

NO.

HE'S SCARED.

HE KNOWS?

I'M SCARED, TOO.

[SIGHS]

THINK WE'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING?

UH, YEAH. I MEAN...

I GUESS SO. UH...

I ALWAYS DRAG YOU INTO THIS SHIT, DON'T I?

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE TO

TWIST MY ARM TO DO IT.

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, BRO.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING

TO STEER ME WRONG.

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT COULD BE WORSE.

HOW'S THAT?

WE COULD BE BRETT AND CORY.

YEAH.

[MIKE CLEARS THROAT]

HEY.

HEY.

I DIDN'T WAKE ANYBODY UP?

NO, NO.

KIM'S OVER AT HER BOYFRIEND'S.

IT'S LATE. DO YOU WANT TO COME IN?

NO. I, UH...

I GOTTA GO IN A COUPLE OF HOURS WITH JOEY.

OH, RIGHT. VEGAS.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING...

BUT WHATEVER IT IS, I HOPE IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY HAVEN'T CALLED YET.

MAYBE THEY GOT ROBBED.

WILL YOU SHUT UP?

HOW COULD THEY GET ROBBED?

AT BUN BOY. ON THE WAY THERE.

YOU KNOW HOW MIKE ALWAYS WANTS TO STOP

AT BUN BOY?

THEY GOT REDNECKS AND SHIT THERE.

THEY HATE JEWS.

WILL YOU RELAX?

MIKE AND JOEY

CAN TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.

WHOA, GUYS, HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

OH, SHIT!

MAN, I CAN'T WATCH THIS.

I'M GONNA SHIT IN MY PANTS!

COME ON.

YOU CAN'T TRUST A FIX, WHAT CAN YOU TRUST?

TV: [APPLAUSE, CHEERS]

WHAT? HE'S GOTTA MAKE IT LOOK GOOD, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, CORY, UH, BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU.

HOW DID JOEY C. MAKE ALL THAT MONEY

WHEN YOU TWO WERE IN VEGAS?

AH, IT WAS GREAT.

JOEY SAID SINCE I WAS THE JINX,

WE SHOULD GO TO THE CRAP TABLE

AND HE SHOULD BET ON THE "DON'T."

YOU KNOW, AGAINST THE SHOOTER?

WHAT, ALL SHOOTERS?

NO, NO. JUST ME.

AND, UH, AW, MAN, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

SOON AS I GOT THE DICE,

I CRAPPED OUT 27 TIMES IN A ROW. HA HA HA.

DID YOU EVER MAKE A PASS?

NO, NO. ACTUALLY, UH, JOEY QUIT,

AND I, UH, LOST THE REST OF MY MONEY,

AND, UH, WE WENT RIGHT HOME.

WHY?

THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION: WHY?

TV: [APPLAUSE]

TV: [LOUD APPLAUSE]

WE'RE ON OUR OWN.

YEAH, YEAH! YEAH! YES!

CORY, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE BET THIS.

YES! YES! YES!

YES! RIGHT THERE, BABY!

OK, OK, OK.

Mike: MATT PITCHED AN ALMOST FLAWLESS GAME,

BUT THE ANGELS PLAYED WELL, TOO.

THE SCORE WAS 1-0 IN THE BOTTOM ON THE NINTH.

THERE WERE 2 OUTS, AND THE BASES WERE LOADED.

SALMON WAS UP, AND IT WAS A FULL COUNT.

3 BALLS, 2 STRIKES,

AND MATT WENT INTO HIS WIND-UP.

TV: MATT REED, THROWING THE GAME OF HIS LIFE.

[LOUDLY PASSES GAS]

[GRUNTS] I'M DEAD, MAN.

I HAVEN'T HAD SEX WITH A WOMAN

IN ALMOST 2 YEARS,

AND THE LAST PERSON I KISSED WAS A MAN.

I CAN'T GO OUT LIKE THAT.

I DIDN'T EVEN SAVE ENOUGH MONEY

TO BUY A PLANE TICKET OUT OF TOWN.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?

HOW COULD WE BE SO STUPID?

HOW COULD WE BET EVERYTHING WE DIDN'T HAVE ON CORY?

WE DESERVE TO DIE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED.

HE SAID HE WOULD DO IT.

HE GAVE ME HIS WORD.

JOEY HEARD.

I'M GONNA KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH!

[DOOR OPENS]

YOU KNOW, ALCOHOL NEVER SOLVED ANYONE'S PROBLEMS.

IT JUST MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT IN THE MORNING.

I'M TOO DRUNK TO RUN.

HEY, GO FUCK YOURSELF,

YOU FUCKIN' PSYCHOPATH!

AND YOUR LITTLE FUCKIN' BUDDY, TOO.

Clyde: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE

MORE THAN ANYTHING THE WORLD?

PEOPLE WHO DON'T KEEP THEIR WORD.

NOW, I MAY BE A LOT OF THINGS,

BUT AT LEAST I'M CONSISTENT.

EVERYONE ALWAYS KNOWS WHERE I STAND.

AND I ALWAYS KEEP MY WORD.

I KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK,

SO I'LL FORGIVE THE LANGUAGE THIS TIME.

YOU PROBABLY WON'T EVEN REMEMBER IN THE MORNING,

BUT IT'S NOT NICE TO TAKE MY MONEY

AND TELL ME TO FUCK OFF AT THE SAME TIME.

I WON'T BE SO UNDERSTANDING IN THE FUTURE.

MICHAEL, YOU SHOULD REALLY TEACH YOUR FRIENDS

SOME FUCKIN' MANNERS.

OH, MY GOD.

I MUST BE FUCKIN' HALLUCINATING.

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

3 THINGS, GUYS. 3 THINGS.

FIRST, NEVER BET WITH CORY,

BECAUSE HE IS THE BIGGEST FUCKIN' JINX OF ALL TIME,

AND ANYTHING HE BETS IS SURE TO LOSE.

MY SYSTEM EXACTLY.

YO, WHEN I SAW VOODOO CRAP OUT

27 TIMES IN A ROW,

I KNEW I WAS DEALING WITH SOMETHING

LARGER THAN MYSELF.

SECOND, NEVER BET ON BAD KARMA LIKE A FIX,

ESPECIALLY WHEN DEALING WITH A BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN

LIKE MATT REED, BECAUSE GOD WILL JUMP UP

AND KICK YOU RIGHT IN THE ASS EVERY TIME.

MATT REED IS A BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN?

YEAH, STUPID.

IT WOULD HELP TO KNOW THESE THINGS.

NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES,

DO YOU GIVE A VINDICTIVE LITTLE BORN-AGAIN SHIT

LIKE MATT REED THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET EVEN WITH YOU,

ESPECIALLY AFTER ALL THE SHIT

YOU PUT HIM THROUGH IN HIGH SCHOOL, CORY.

YO, HOMEBOY PITCHED HIS ASS OFF TONIGHT.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING.

'CAUSE WE BET THE OTHER WAY.

WE BET THE OTHER FUCKIN' WAY?

OH, MY GOD!

YOU BET THE OTHER WAY?

OH, MY GOD!

YOU BET THE OTHER WAY

AND YOU DIDN'T FUCKIN' TELL ME?

WELL, YEAH. OH, MY GOD!

Mike: WELL, WE WON, AND WE WON BIG.

WITH ALL THE MONEY WE RAISED IN BETTIN' IN VEGAS

TOGETHER WITH ALL THE MONEY WE COLLECTED FROM THE BOOKIES,

WE TOTALED OVER 3/4 OF A MILLION BUCKS.

TAKE THE PICTURE.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK, SO SIGNED A 9-YEAR LEASE

AND OPENED OUR VERY OWN SPORTS BAR, MVPs.

FOR ONCE,

WE WERE ALL ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING WITH OUR LIVES,

AND WE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER,

KEEPING OUR PROMISE THAT WE WOULD NEVER GAMBLE AGAIN.

WHAT, ARE YOU BOB HOPE'S YOUNGER BROTHER NO HOPE?

COME ON, LET'S GO.

SILENCE.

100 BUCKS SAYS HE MISSES IT.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKIN' MIND?

YOU'RE BETTING 100 BUCKS? WHOA!

IT'S A GIMME, FOR CHRISSAKE.

IT'S SITTIN' RIGHT ON THE EDGE OF THE CUP.

BUT IT'S CORY.

YEAH, I KNOW IT'S CORY. BUT LOOK AT THAT.

IT'S NOT A GOLF SHOT,

IT'S A BALL SITTING ON THE EDGE OF A CUP, FOR CHRISSAKE.

BUT THIS IS THE JERSEY JINX HERE.

YEAH, I KNOW. CORY CAN MAKE THAT SHOT.

JOEY? GIVE US SOME ODDS, BABY.

DON'T ALL FUCKIN' LOOK AT ME, MAN,

I'M NOT TAKIN' NO MORE ACTION.

BULLSHIT! COME ON, GIVE US SOME FUCKIN' ODDS.

ON VOODOO?

I'LL GIVE YOU 8 TO 5.

OH, I'M ALL OVER THAT.

THAT'S EASY MONEY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

AND MAY THE FIRST THING YOUR MOTHER SEES IS MY PENIS.

CHA-CHING!

OH...JESUS!

YOU ALL RIGHT?

I CAN'T FUCKIN' BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.

GIVE ME HALF.

WAIT A SEC.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T

GONNA TAKE ANY MORE OF OUR BETS.

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU

WASN'T GONNA MAKEANY MORE BETS.

BUDDY, PLEASE.

CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY TRIMARK HOME VIDEO

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

♪ ALL THE SWEET, SWEET TIMES

♪ THE THINGS WE DID TOGETHER

♪ WHEN LIFE WAS JUST A BOWL OF BRIGHT RED CHERRIES ♪

♪ THE SWEET LOVE, TOO

♪ WHEN WE WERE UNDERNEATH THE MOON ♪

♪ AND YOU WERE HOLDING ON TO ME ♪

♪ LIKE NO TOMORROW

♪ YOU TAKE MY HAND

♪ AND I'M FEELIN' GRAND

♪ WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU WANNA BE MY BABY ♪

♪ OH, BABY, BABY

♪ MAYBE, BABY, BABY, SO

♪ DOO-BA-DEE, OOH

♪ BABY, WHEN YOU TOUCH ME

♪ AND YOU TAKE ME THERE

♪ I KNOW THAT IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME ♪

♪ BUT I'M STILL AWARE

♪ THAT IF YOU LOVE ME

♪ LOVE ME

♪ OH, BABY, BABY, WE CAN DO IT ♪

♪ DO-DAH-DO-DAH-DAH

♪ DO-DEE-DAH-DUH-DOWAH

♪ WHEN LIFE WAS JUST A BOWL OF BRIGHT RED CHERRIES ♪

♪ THE SWEET LOVE, TOO

♪ WHEN WE WERE UNDERNEATH THE MOON ♪

♪ AND YOU WERE HOLDIN' ON TO ME ♪

♪ LIKE NO TOMORROW

♪ DA-DWEE-DUH-DUH

♪ DO-DUH-DUH-DWEE-DO-DO

♪ WHEN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU WANNA BE MY BABY ♪

♪ OH, BABY, BABY

♪ MAYBE, BABY, BABY, SO

♪ DWEE-DUH-DUH-AH-OOH

♪ BABY, WHEN YOU TOUCH ME ♪

♪ AND YOU TAKE ME THERE

♪ I KNOW THAT IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME ♪

♪ BUT I'M STILL AWARE

♪ THAT IF YOU LOVE ME

♪ LOVE ME

♪ BABY, BABY WE CAN DO IT

♪ DO-DUH-DUH-DOO

♪ BABY, WHEN YOU TOUCH ME

♪ AND YOU TAKE ME THERE

♪ I KNOW THAT IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME ♪

♪ BUT I'M STILL AWARE

♪ THAT IF YOU LOVE ME

♪ LOVE ME

♪ BABY, BABY WE CAN DO IT

♪ DO IT, DO IT