Original subtitles

[buzzer]MAN [over TV]: Wrong.

Really, girl? You guessing six dollars for Rice-A-Roni?

I knew it from your nails,

you never been in a grocery store.

Hey, Tina, have you seen Malcolm?

I just finished watching that show Zombie Wars,

and I want to spoil the ending for him.

Um, yeah, he went shopping.

Oh, good. You know what? I'll text him

to pick up some Kleenex, because his favorite character

is about to become an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Well, it's not exactly that kind of shopping.

He went to the used car lot to get himself a car.

Without me? But I'm the car expert.

If I'm not there to support him,

who gonna tell him he picked out something stupid?

I know it hurts, babe.

Telling people they're stupid

is one of your favorite things.

But Malcolm is a grown man.

We've got to let him make his own choices.

I don't know, babe. It sounds stupid.

Calvin, come on. This is important to him.

He's been working hard.

He saved up enough money to do this on his own.

We need to be supportive of him,

no matter what car he comes home with.

Fine.

But those used car dealers are gonna eat him alive.

Just like those zombies did to that family

that was hiding under the canoe!

[horn honking "Shave and a Haircut"]

Ooh, that's him!

Let's go see what he got.

I don't know. From the sounds of that horn,

I'm guessing it's this big and full of clowns.

[chuckles]: Hey, check it out, guys.

What do you think?

[engine revving]

Oh, hell yeah! Hell no!

What?

We not being supportive anymore?

Well, in that case,

the preacher in your zombie show dies.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

You bought a motorcycle?

What the hell were you thinking?

Yeah, Malcolm.

Oh, you got the chrome exhaust on it.

Malcolm, you said

that you were gonna get a used car.

I know, Ma. And I was going to.

But then I saw this.

And I realized this face is too sexy

to be hiding behind a windshield.

You are taking that back this instant. Right, Calvin?

Huh? What?

Look,

I'm sorry, Ma, but I'm not taking it back.

[scoffs] Excuse me?

Did you already crash?

'Cause I think you got brain damage.

Ma, I paid for this with my own money,

and it's my decision, not yours.CALVIN: Whoa, whoa.

Malcolm, come on. Don't talk to your mother like that.

Now, you're taking it back.

But before you do, let me sit on it.

Calvin, don't you dare.

Come on, Tina.

You got to admit, it's pretty cool.

What is it with men and motorcycles?

Anybody with half a brain

knows that there is nothing cool about them.

Whoa!

That is so cool.

What'd I do?

I'll tell you what you did.

You gave me a chance to sit on this bad boy.

All right, well, let me get on behind you, then.

Whoa! Whoa!Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

[exhales]Oh, hey. Where were you?

Over at Tina's trying to calm her down.

[exhales] How'd it go?

I thought a glass of wine might help,

but then she finished the bottle,

and it went the other way.

You know, I know it's dangerous,

but that bike is so cool.[chuckles]

Remember when you used to pick me up on yours?

It was so exciting. Racing around town,

zigzagging through traffic.

Yeah. I miss that Vespa.

We used to do so many crazy things like that.

Remember when we went skinny-dipping in Lake Michigan?

Oh, I sure do. That was the summer I learned

that catfish can bite.[chuckles]

Wow. That all feels like a million years ago.

Yeah.

What happened to those people?

Well, one of us went to the ER.

Gemma, is it possible that we've gotten boring?

What?! No.

We went to a party just last weekend.Gemma,

we were chaperones at Grover's school dance.

Yeah, and thanks to us,

now they all know the Cabbage Patch.

I'm serious.

You know, we haven't done anything crazy

in the longest time.

We're as lame as that fifth grader

who got pantsed on the dance floor.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

We're parents now. We have responsibilities.

Well, actually, tonight, we don't.

You know, Grover's at a sleepover.

We can do whatever we want.

Like what?

I don't know. Like...

go to Vegas.

[chuckles]: Seriously?

Yeah. Why not?

Look, if we fly, we can be there in an hour.

It would be fun

to party somewhere that isn't a cafeteria.

Yeah. Yeah.

What do you say?

Let's do it.

I'll go pack my stuff. [laughs]All right.

You do that. 'Cause tonight, the Johnsons are getting crazy!

[whoops]

Right after I check our air miles.

Oh, hey, babe. What's for dinner?

Dinner? My baby's out there on a death machine,

and I'm sitting here helpless. Who can think about dinner?

Well, off the top of my head, me.

Calvin!

I'm sorry, babe. Look, I know that you're upset and scared,

and I want to be sensitive, so...

I'll just order in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you think you're doing?

Watching the game.Oh, no, you are not.

This stays off

so I can listen for sirens.

Tina, come on.

Sit down. You're driving yourself crazy.

You need to relax.

No, do not tell me to relax.

None of this would've happened if you had backed me up today.

Whoa, hold up, now.

Weren't you the one that said

that Malcolm's a grown man

and we need to let him make his own decisions?

Yeah, but that was before I knew

he would make such a dumbass decision.

Okay, babe, I know where you're coming from.

I want him to be safe, too.

Then, Calvin, why aren't you doing anything about it?

Well, what do you want me to do?

Put a boot on it? Set it on fire?

Run over it with my truck?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all that.

[sighs] Look, Tina,

I know that you're worried,

but the truth of the matter is there's nothing we can do.

It's out of our hands.

You're right. It's in God's hands.

Exactly.Get your keys. We're going to church.

What?Mm-hmm.

As long as Malcolm is on that bike,

we're going there every day to pray for his safety.

But why do we have to go to the church?

God is like Wi-Fi.

He's everywhere.

Calvin, we're going.

Now, let me go grab my Bible.

Well, the Rams are a 12-point underdog.

I was gonna be praying anyway.

Here we go, our deluxe room

with a view of the Strip.GEMMA: Oh,

thanks, Marco, but we didn't come to look at the Strip.

We came to tear it up.

That's right. The city that never sleeps

is about to get a wake-up call.

Okay. That's New York, but I hear you.

Ooh! Uh, hey, Marco.

Where do the, uh, young, fun people

like us

do their thing?

Just no foam parties.

Uh, I-I rash easily.

Well, we do have three nightclubs downstairs.

I'd be happy to make a reservation

at any one of them for you.

[scoffs] One of them?

Book all three, and warn them

that the Johnsons are in town.

Got it. The Johnsons are in town.

No foam.

[chuckles] Oh,

this is so exciting.

Well, it's about to get more exciting, because...

look what I packed.

What is it?It's my bathing suit

from when we went skinny-dipping.

And it still fits.[chuckles]

Oh, babe.

Okay. So, you ready to hit the town?

Let me just freshen up first. I want to be nice and clean

for when we get down and dirty.

Oh, we're gonna get down and dirty.

Just like when we fell in that puddle on my Vespa.

ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned

as the Forensic Mysteries marathon continues.

[ominous sting plays]

Ooh! Ooh, I love Forensic Mysteries.

The host is so cheesy.

"When the DNA results arrived,

it was curtains for the interior designer."

I love it how he always steps out of the shadows

to tell us the surprise twist.

I never see it coming.

The twist or the host.

Well, it's still early. Let's just watch one episode

before we go.Oh, yeah, sure. We have plenty of time.

[ominous sting plays]

He gets me every time.

Oh, hang on there, Malcolm. I want to ask you something.

Look, I already told you, Pop.

I'm not taking any more pictures of you on the bike.

Son, I know you love this bike,

but you riding it around is worrying your mother sick.

[sighs] I know, Pop. But come on, man, you get it.

Can't you just go in there and talk to her?

I tried, but you know your mother.

Once she makes up her mind about something, that's it.

How do you think we got Marty?

All right, well,

just tell her not to worry, okay?

And I promise you, I'll be safe.

Okay, look, Malcolm, let's just go back down there

and get you a car just as cool as the motorcycle.

If you put the windows down and wear your helmet,

you'll barely notice the difference.

So, instead of a motorcycle,

you want me to drive a used car while wearing a helmet?

You can't tell me that won't turn heads.

Look, I'm sorry, Pop, but this is what I want, all right?

And if Mom can't deal with that, then that's her problem.

Hmm. So, there's nothing I can say to change your mind?

Nope.

Well, it's a good thing I brought these.

Are those handcuffs?

They sure are.

Well, what the hell are you doing with them?

Saving your ass.

But more importantly...

...I'm saving mine.

Come on, Pop. Quit messing around.

Uncuff yourself from my bike.

I'm sorry, Malcolm, but it's too dangerous.

If I got to go to church every day, I might kill somebody.

So this is your genius plan? You're gonna

stay out here until I agree to get rid of the bike?

Well, my first idea was to handcuff myself to you,

but then I realized,

that's more of a reward for you than a punishment.

You know what? Okay, fine.

You want to play that game? I'll just wait you out.

[chuckling]: Good luck, 'cause I'm not going anywhere.

Well, maybe not right now,

but at some point, you're gonna have to use the bathroom.

And when you do, I'll be right there.

Not in the bathroom with you, man.

On the bike, riding away.

Well, see, that's where you're wrong.

I got a plan for the bathroom, too.

Tina, bring me the jar!

HOST: So when the lab results traced the hair

back to the chef, it turned out

it was her goose that was cooked.

[ominous sting plays]

ANNOUNCER: And that concludes

our Forensic Mysteriesmarathon.

Stay tuned for Rise and Shine Las Vegas.

[upbeat music playing]

Ge-Gemma, wake up!

Five more minutes. I'm dreaming about us skinny-dipping.

For some reason, there's a goose there.

No. Gemma, you got to wake up. We fell asleep.

Huh? What?

It's morning. We missed our wild night!

What?! We did?!

Yeah.

The only crazy thing we did last night

was get ten amazing hours of sleep.

You're right. I feel totally rested.

This is terrible!

I can't believe that we blew it.

We didn't go to the casino, the club or the pool.

[groans]I packed my imaginary bathing suit for nothing!

Oh... Yeah.

I wanted to wake up ashamed, but not like this.

I hate to say it, Gemma, but we're officially boring people.

It turns out our glory days are over.

Come on. That's not true.

We have an amazing life.

Great friends, good jobs,

the best kid ever.

If you ask me, it doesn't get any more glorious than that.

I know. I just wish we still had it in us

to go crazy every once in a while.

And I'm not just talking about blowing all our air miles

upgrading to Economy Plus.

Well, we still have three hours before we fly home.

So?

So why don't we do something crazy right now?

You know what?[laughs]

You're right.

And I know exactly

how we're gonna do it.How?

We are gonna hit the hotel minibar.Ooh!

Because what is wilder

than eating an eight-dollar candy bar?

Oh.

I'll tell you what's wilder--

chasing it with a bunch of tiny tequilas.

That's right. Look out, Vegas,

'cause the Johnsons are still in town![whoops]

[groans]

Nope. Those are bath beads.

Oh.

Here you go, baby. I brought you a snack.

Oh.Anything else you need?

No, babe. I think I'm good.Ah.

Thanks again for doing this, baby.

Sacrificing yourself to protect our son.

Aw, you know me-- always putting myself last.

Hey, when you're done with my neck, can you do my feet?

[groans]

Hey, guys.

I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

Oh, just for a little ride.

[chuckling]Ride? On what?

Yeah. Did you borrow Grover's wheelie shoes?

[laughing]

Oh, that's cute. Y'all are funny.

[Tina laughs]Actually, I'm taking your truck.

Say what now?

Yeah, I figure since you took my wheels,

I'm gonna take yours.

You can't take my truck.

Nobody takes my truck!

Don't do this, Malcolm.

Your father loves you, but that truck is his baby.

Yeah, I know, Ma. It's like the little brother I never drove.

I know you're not gonna open that door.

Ooh. He opened the door.

Malcolm, I'm not playing with you.

You better not get behind that wheel!

Ooh! He got behind the wheel!

Yeah, well, that's okay. That's as far as he's gonna get.

She's got a tricky ignition. He can't figure it out.

[engine starts]

Ooh! He figured it out!

Tina, would you stop giving me play-by-play

and go stop him?!

I'm telling you, Malcolm, if you crash your little brother,

you best believe I'm coming for you!

[imitating Elvis]: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the Beer Chug Champion

of the Silver Sands Motel and Casino...

...Gemma Johnson Presley.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. And to all the tired moms out there,

if you can dream it, you can drink it.

Oh, wow.

I got to hand it to us.

That was the craziest morning of my life.

I can't believe we hit all three of those nightclubs.

Yeah. Although it would have been more fun if they were open.

I guess for an old, boring couple,

we still know how to party.

We sure do. [laughs]

Mmm. Gin and Gatorade.

Well, the good news is I don't have to worry

about you dying on that motorcycle anymore,

because your father is gonna kill you!

Oh, please. I am not afraid of Pop.

But you think we have enough gas to get to Mexico?

Malcolm, why are you being so stubborn about this?

Can't you see we are just trying to protect you?

And I appreciate that, Ma, but I'm a grown man.

That is not your job anymore.

Oh, really? When did I get fired from being your mother?

I am not firing you, okay?

I'm just kind of...

reducing your hours.

Look, Ma, I know you think that's stupid,

but to me, this isn't just about the bike.

Then what's it about?

It's about me being independent,

making my own choices.

Okay, I've been working and saving up money for a long time.

I've earned this.

Just because you earned it does not make it a good idea.

Well, maybe not, but it does make it my call.

Still... you are my baby.

I know, Ma, but I'm also my own man.

You understand that, right?

Of course I do.

Then instead of fighting me on this,

I need you to try being proud of me.

Fine. I'm never gonna like it,

but if it means that much to you, I guess...

I just have to accept it.

Thank you, Ma.

[sighs]And I promise, I will be careful, okay?

I won't be one of these reckless idiots riding around

with no idea what they're doing.

[horn tooting, engine revving]

Malcolm, pull over there!

And God help you if you adjusted my seat, boy!

Pop, what the hell are you doing on my bike?!

You're gonna kill yourself!

Relax. I've been riding motorcycles

since before you were born.[tires screeching]

Oh!

[crashing]Calvin!

Ma, is he okay?

CALVIN: Damn it! The next time I swerve into your lane,

you better get out of my way, fool!

Yeah, he's fine.Yeah.

Ooh, hey, Calvin. You okay?

Yeah, Tina said you got in an accident

on Malcolm's motorcycle.

Well, what all did she tell you?

Well, that was pretty much it.

Oh, okay. So here's what happened.

I was cruising

down Franklin, and this big rig--

it jackknifed right in front of me.

And I... and I realized there's no way

that I'm gonna get off of this thing.

So... so I slid. I was like... [imitates screeching]

And then I came out, and there was some kids

in the crosswalk, and I was like,

"Oh, Lord, look at these kids. There's no way."

So I had to pop a wheelie, like...

[imitates engine revving]

And then the kids, they was like "Save me."

It was like, "Thank you, mister." And I was like,

"Fine, kids. It's what I do." You know?

There was a curb there, and for whatever reason,

it was a family of ducks, and I was like, "Aah!"

And that's when I hopped. That's when I hit the curb,

and I was like, "Hey, hey! There you go."

And everybody was safe, though.

The animals were cool, and the kids were happy,

and I gave 'em money for pizza.

Uh, but, uh, I don't like to talk about it, man.

Wow.

Wow. Well, uh,

we had a pretty wild weekend, too.

Uh, Gemma swam in a hotel fountain

and rode her suitcase around a luggage carousel.

Only after Dave drank a mini-fridge full of vodka

and chased it with half a jar of bath beads.

Guys, if you're just gonna make stuff up,

I'm gonna go inside.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org