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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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00:00:03,219 --> 00:00:06,101
The winter at Valley Forge was harsh,
3
00:00:06,148 --> 00:00:09,093
and more than 2,000 soldiers
deserted the army.
4
00:00:09,180 --> 00:00:12,049
However, the strong leadership
of George Washington
5
00:00:12,083 --> 00:00:13,283
held the army together.
6
00:00:13,318 --> 00:00:14,685
All lies.
7
00:00:14,719 --> 00:00:17,933
Washington grew pot, and while
the soldiers were fighting,
8
00:00:17,953 --> 00:00:21,756
him and Betsy Ross were off
behind the flag getting baked.
9
00:00:21,790 --> 00:00:23,991
Shh! They can hear you. We're in class.
10
00:00:24,059 --> 00:00:27,100
Mark, stop bothering me
and focus on your teacher.
11
00:00:27,186 --> 00:00:29,182
- Education's important, lad.
- One of the most significant events
12
00:00:29,206 --> 00:00:33,901
at Valley Forge was the arrival
of Frederick Wilhelm von Steuben.
13
00:00:33,969 --> 00:00:36,470
Is that blonde boy Henry?
The one you think is cute?
14
00:00:37,906 --> 00:00:39,006
Thanks for that.
15
00:00:39,074 --> 00:00:42,243
I wasn't muted, so I guess
the next move is Henry's.
16
00:00:42,277 --> 00:00:44,912
If Harris comes down, don't let
her come in the kitchen.
17
00:00:44,946 --> 00:00:47,357
Ben and I are working on
a surprise for her birthday.
18
00:00:47,432 --> 00:00:48,699
Oh, I have a surprise, too.
19
00:00:48,733 --> 00:00:50,234
I didn't know it was her birthday.
20
00:00:50,268 --> 00:00:52,703
Well, I tried to give you
a heads up last night.
21
00:00:52,737 --> 00:00:54,371
Where were you, on another date?
22
00:00:54,406 --> 00:00:56,073
Yeah, and I should have known
23
00:00:56,107 --> 00:00:57,908
if he was wearing a mask
in his profile picture,
24
00:00:57,943 --> 00:00:59,043
he was hiding something...
25
00:00:59,110 --> 00:01:01,078
a giant nose ring.
26
00:01:01,112 --> 00:01:03,314
He said that's where
you attach the leash.
27
00:01:04,783 --> 00:01:07,751
Seems to me maybe you could
hang onto one that way.
28
00:01:07,819 --> 00:01:10,387
I know my education doesn't mean
anything to any of you,
29
00:01:10,455 --> 00:01:12,156
but I'd like to be the first person
30
00:01:12,190 --> 00:01:14,224
to make it out of this house by 40.
31
00:01:14,259 --> 00:01:16,527
It's not about getting out.
32
00:01:16,561 --> 00:01:18,395
It's about staying out.
33
00:01:20,665 --> 00:01:22,132
Oh, you're right.
34
00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:25,584
It's fun decorating a birthday
cake Harris is gonna hate.
35
00:01:25,637 --> 00:01:30,107
"To our rainbow unicorn magic princess."
36
00:01:30,141 --> 00:01:34,178
That is pure evil.
37
00:01:34,212 --> 00:01:37,581
I love you so much right now.
38
00:01:39,017 --> 00:01:40,851
Why are my parents calling me?
39
00:01:40,919 --> 00:01:43,053
They're supposed to be
having fun in Florida.
40
00:01:47,225 --> 00:01:48,626
Hi, Mom.
41
00:01:48,660 --> 00:01:50,461
Hi, Ben. It's your mom.
42
00:01:50,495 --> 00:01:53,197
Yes. I know.
43
00:01:53,231 --> 00:01:55,532
That's why I said, "Hi, Mom."
44
00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:59,036
Uh... I'm only seeing your ear.
45
00:01:59,070 --> 00:02:01,939
Hold the phone out
so I can see your face.
46
00:02:03,208 --> 00:02:04,842
There you go.
47
00:02:04,876 --> 00:02:08,012
Ben, your father's dead.
48
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,214
What?
49
00:02:10,248 --> 00:02:13,250
He was playing golf on the 14th hole
50
00:02:13,285 --> 00:02:15,152
and he got into the golf cart,
51
00:02:15,220 --> 00:02:17,187
and his friends said he just collapsed.
52
00:02:17,222 --> 00:02:19,590
And he was under par.
53
00:02:22,294 --> 00:02:23,560
All right, um...
54
00:02:23,595 --> 00:02:26,130
Okay, I'll... I'll get there
as soon as I can.
55
00:02:26,164 --> 00:02:27,698
I'll book a flight when we hang up.
56
00:02:27,766 --> 00:02:30,467
Oh, why, sweetie? He's already dead.
57
00:02:30,502 --> 00:02:32,202
Listen, I've got to get off the phone.
58
00:02:32,237 --> 00:02:35,005
I have a lot of arrangements to make.
59
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,641
O-Okay. Bye, Mom.
60
00:02:37,676 --> 00:02:40,210
Just call me if you need me.
61
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,880
Ben, I am so sorry.
62
00:02:44,905 --> 00:02:46,530
Are you okay?
63
00:02:46,593 --> 00:02:49,979
I don't know. Um...
64
00:02:50,021 --> 00:02:54,892
I mean, we weren't close, but
he was still my dad, you know?
65
00:02:54,926 --> 00:02:58,262
Oh, of course. I'm sure it's still hard.
66
00:02:58,296 --> 00:03:03,434
I thought we'd have more time to
work through some of our stuff.
67
00:03:03,468 --> 00:03:04,739
Yeah, I know what you mean.
68
00:03:04,764 --> 00:03:08,072
It's like you're always waiting
for that right moment,
69
00:03:08,113 --> 00:03:10,948
and then suddenly,
there can never be one.
70
00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:16,580
He was always so mad at me
for something.
71
00:03:17,419 --> 00:03:20,150
I just felt like I was
a disappointment to him.
72
00:03:20,185 --> 00:03:23,320
Oh. Yeah, but I-I'm sure at some point,
73
00:03:23,355 --> 00:03:25,656
he stopped expecting to be proud of you.
74
00:03:28,131 --> 00:03:31,161
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not good at comforting.
75
00:03:32,488 --> 00:03:37,888
3x07
A Cold Mom, a Brother Daddy and a Prison Baby
76
00:04:11,336 --> 00:04:13,404
Thanks again for babysitting, Emilio.
77
00:04:13,438 --> 00:04:15,572
I'm not babysitting. I'm her dad.
78
00:04:15,607 --> 00:04:18,275
But if you want to give me 20 bucks,
I'm not too proud to take it.
79
00:04:18,309 --> 00:04:20,944
And I'm broke enough to say no.
80
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,680
That's okay.
81
00:04:23,715 --> 00:04:26,350
It's worth it just to look at
how cute she is when she sleeps.
82
00:04:26,384 --> 00:04:28,852
Don't fall for it. It's a trick.
83
00:04:28,887 --> 00:04:31,588
That's how they get you to love them.
84
00:04:31,656 --> 00:04:33,524
How's Ben doing?
85
00:04:33,558 --> 00:04:36,360
Uh, as good as can be expected.
86
00:04:36,394 --> 00:04:37,961
His mom is coming to visit tomorrow.
87
00:04:37,996 --> 00:04:39,763
I don't know where we're gonna put her.
88
00:04:39,798 --> 00:04:42,332
Time to gussy up the chicken coop.
89
00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:45,436
So, you're home early.
90
00:04:45,470 --> 00:04:46,537
How was your date?
91
00:04:46,604 --> 00:04:47,871
It was a nightmare.
92
00:04:47,906 --> 00:04:50,040
Another bad one, huh?
93
00:04:50,075 --> 00:04:51,708
This guy was a nervous wreck.
94
00:04:51,743 --> 00:04:53,343
He sat across from me at the table
95
00:04:53,378 --> 00:04:55,279
and kept pulling out a temperature gun
96
00:04:55,313 --> 00:04:56,313
and shooting it at me.
97
00:04:56,347 --> 00:04:57,781
"Beep.
98
00:04:57,816 --> 00:04:59,383
97.1.
99
00:04:59,408 --> 00:05:01,286
Okay. Okay. Let's order."
100
00:05:01,311 --> 00:05:04,046
Five minutes later. "Beep.
101
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,950
Oh, boy. 98.6.
102
00:05:05,975 --> 00:05:08,625
I gotta go. Can you cover the drinks?"
103
00:05:08,693 --> 00:05:11,695
Well, my last date was bad, too.
104
00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:14,798
I asked her if she wanted to go
to a dinner or a drive-in movie.
105
00:05:14,833 --> 00:05:16,366
She said she wanted to go
from store to store
106
00:05:16,401 --> 00:05:18,035
looking for disinfecting wipes.
107
00:05:19,724 --> 00:05:21,238
Oh.
108
00:05:22,273 --> 00:05:23,848
Well...
109
00:05:23,908 --> 00:05:25,109
I better get going.
110
00:05:25,143 --> 00:05:27,311
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
111
00:05:27,379 --> 00:05:28,312
No, stay.
112
00:05:28,346 --> 00:05:30,381
Finish watching the basketball game.
113
00:05:30,448 --> 00:05:32,249
- Really?
- Yeah.
114
00:05:32,317 --> 00:05:33,984
Scoot over. Make some room.
115
00:05:34,019 --> 00:05:36,487
I'll go get some popcorn, and
we'll watch the game together.
116
00:05:36,521 --> 00:05:38,756
Great.
117
00:05:40,458 --> 00:05:44,094
You know, people said our green
card marriage wouldn't work,
118
00:05:44,129 --> 00:05:46,764
but I like talking about
bad dates with my husband.
119
00:05:48,633 --> 00:05:52,736
Hey, Magic Unicorn Princess!
120
00:05:52,804 --> 00:05:55,339
Happy birthday!
121
00:05:55,373 --> 00:05:56,907
How's the cake?
122
00:05:56,941 --> 00:05:59,810
I wouldn't be eating it if there
was anything else in the house.
123
00:05:59,878 --> 00:06:02,446
They ran out of frosting,
so one layer is just saltines.
124
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,082
It does add a nice crunch
where you don't expect it.
125
00:06:06,184 --> 00:06:08,185
I'm gonna grab some microwave popcorn.
126
00:06:08,253 --> 00:06:11,088
- We don't have any.
- Let's see what Betty Crocker says.
127
00:06:13,224 --> 00:06:14,224
Oh, my God.
128
00:06:14,259 --> 00:06:16,093
We have secret microwave popcorn?
129
00:06:16,161 --> 00:06:18,328
You don't. I do.
130
00:06:18,396 --> 00:06:19,663
This is for me and Emilio.
131
00:06:19,697 --> 00:06:21,999
Hmm. He's staying?
132
00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:23,867
You usually boot him out
as soon as you get home.
133
00:06:23,902 --> 00:06:25,602
Not tonight.
134
00:06:25,637 --> 00:06:27,304
We're hanging out and watching the game.
135
00:06:27,372 --> 00:06:30,207
Huh. Watching a game.
136
00:06:30,241 --> 00:06:31,708
Okay.
137
00:06:31,743 --> 00:06:34,178
Take your bra off in here. Saves time.
138
00:06:34,212 --> 00:06:35,813
Unless you like to watch them struggle.
139
00:06:35,847 --> 00:06:37,214
Sometimes that's good for a laugh.
140
00:06:37,248 --> 00:06:38,282
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
141
00:06:38,316 --> 00:06:40,250
- That's not what's going on.
- Really?
142
00:06:40,285 --> 00:06:42,386
He's dating, I'm dating.
143
00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:43,854
He's totally moved on.
144
00:06:43,922 --> 00:06:46,223
Here's a tip, kid.
145
00:06:46,257 --> 00:06:48,358
There's a bag of beef jerky
146
00:06:48,393 --> 00:06:50,227
taped to the back of the toilet tank.
147
00:06:50,261 --> 00:06:53,297
That's disgusting.
148
00:06:53,331 --> 00:06:54,832
Upstairs or down?
149
00:06:54,866 --> 00:06:58,535
Upstairs is sweet, downstairs is savory.
150
00:07:01,439 --> 00:07:03,907
It's okay. It's okay.
151
00:07:03,975 --> 00:07:07,077
Mommy will be right back.
152
00:07:07,112 --> 00:07:08,212
She's making popcorn for us.
153
00:07:10,115 --> 00:07:12,483
I think Mommy's finally into Daddy.
154
00:07:12,517 --> 00:07:15,352
I know.
155
00:07:15,386 --> 00:07:18,155
When I heard it,
I almost pooped myself, too.
156
00:07:23,928 --> 00:07:25,329
I should stop.
157
00:07:25,396 --> 00:07:29,166
Whatever this stain is, it's
holding the fabric together.
158
00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:31,168
Darlene, relax.
159
00:07:31,236 --> 00:07:32,469
You don't have to impress my mom.
160
00:07:32,504 --> 00:07:35,706
Oh, and I told her
that we're only living here
161
00:07:35,740 --> 00:07:37,574
until the escrow closes
on our giant new house
162
00:07:37,609 --> 00:07:39,243
that we got from all the money we made
163
00:07:39,277 --> 00:07:40,511
from our successful magazine.
164
00:07:40,578 --> 00:07:43,247
Wow. We're having a way better
life than I thought we were.
165
00:07:43,314 --> 00:07:44,581
I just...
166
00:07:44,616 --> 00:07:46,383
I don't want to have to hear
her criticism.
167
00:07:46,417 --> 00:07:48,719
Oh, yes, don't touch her.
168
00:07:48,753 --> 00:07:49,720
She's an ice queen.
169
00:07:49,787 --> 00:07:51,455
You know how in "A Christmas Story,"
170
00:07:51,489 --> 00:07:53,757
the kid gets his tongue stuck
to the freezing pole?
171
00:07:53,791 --> 00:07:54,892
It'll be like that.
172
00:07:54,926 --> 00:07:57,427
So don't put my tongue on her, got it.
173
00:07:57,462 --> 00:07:58,595
Mm-hmm.
174
00:08:06,804 --> 00:08:08,472
Mom.
175
00:08:08,506 --> 00:08:11,308
I'm really glad you're here.
176
00:08:11,376 --> 00:08:16,313
This is the house where you're
staying while the escrow closes.
177
00:08:16,347 --> 00:08:18,749
You know, they bust into
houses like this
178
00:08:18,816 --> 00:08:21,151
on that program "Cops."
179
00:08:21,186 --> 00:08:22,419
Mom, it's so good to see...
180
00:08:22,453 --> 00:08:23,754
Oh, it's okay. Don't.
181
00:08:23,788 --> 00:08:25,556
Uh, I've been vaccinated,
182
00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:29,560
but the plane was filthy even
though I was in first class,
183
00:08:29,594 --> 00:08:31,929
which is way better than coach.
184
00:08:31,963 --> 00:08:34,164
Your father would never spend the money,
185
00:08:34,199 --> 00:08:35,599
but on the way to the airport,
186
00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:38,435
I saw a billboard that said,
"Just do it."
187
00:08:38,469 --> 00:08:42,306
And I decided that was your
father's way of telling me,
188
00:08:42,340 --> 00:08:45,142
"I'm cheap and I'm dead.
Fly first class."
189
00:08:46,344 --> 00:08:48,579
Oh, well, we have those
billboards all over town.
190
00:08:48,613 --> 00:08:50,147
The last time I saw "Just Do It,"
191
00:08:50,215 --> 00:08:51,982
I pulled over, and I got a burrito.
192
00:08:52,016 --> 00:08:54,851
But it was a big one,
so it's kind of the same thing.
193
00:08:56,054 --> 00:08:58,155
Who's she?
194
00:08:58,189 --> 00:09:01,124
You know who she is.
I've sent you pictures.
195
00:09:01,159 --> 00:09:02,659
This is Darlene.
196
00:09:02,694 --> 00:09:06,363
Oh. You're just a little
itty-bitty thing.
197
00:09:06,431 --> 00:09:07,531
Mom.
198
00:09:07,565 --> 00:09:09,533
Uh, no, it's okay. I'm used to it.
199
00:09:09,567 --> 00:09:12,436
Grown-ups try to hold my hand
at crosswalks all the time.
200
00:09:13,838 --> 00:09:16,840
Listen, I am so sorry
about your husband.
201
00:09:16,874 --> 00:09:18,542
You don't have to feel bad for me.
202
00:09:18,576 --> 00:09:19,509
Or for my husband.
203
00:09:19,544 --> 00:09:21,645
He had a good, full life.
204
00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:23,447
Of course, he wanted grandkids,
205
00:09:23,481 --> 00:09:26,550
but that didn't happen
for a variety of reasons.
206
00:09:26,584 --> 00:09:28,352
I'm not pointing fingers.
207
00:09:30,388 --> 00:09:31,455
Dropping this off.
208
00:09:31,489 --> 00:09:33,557
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude.
209
00:09:33,591 --> 00:09:34,758
Oh, no, Jackie. It's fine.
210
00:09:34,792 --> 00:09:37,561
Mom, this is Darlene's aunt, Jackie.
211
00:09:37,595 --> 00:09:39,730
Well, she's normal-sized.
212
00:09:39,797 --> 00:09:41,732
Maybe you didn't get enough sunlight.
213
00:09:41,766 --> 00:09:42,866
Uh.
214
00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:44,735
I'm so sorry for your loss,
215
00:09:44,769 --> 00:09:47,037
or if you're relieved,
I'm happy for your freedom.
216
00:09:47,071 --> 00:09:48,171
I've seen both.
217
00:09:49,540 --> 00:09:51,008
I'm somewhere in the middle.
218
00:09:51,042 --> 00:09:52,509
Yeah.
219
00:09:52,543 --> 00:09:54,478
Well, if you wouldn't mind
dropping that off for Harris?
220
00:09:54,545 --> 00:09:55,746
The restaurant's got me hopping.
221
00:09:55,780 --> 00:09:58,215
It's cold. People want stew.
222
00:09:58,249 --> 00:09:59,383
Stew?
223
00:09:59,417 --> 00:10:00,884
Yeah. I own The Lunch Box.
224
00:10:00,952 --> 00:10:02,919
Lanford's only stew restaurant.
225
00:10:02,954 --> 00:10:04,021
Ah.
226
00:10:04,055 --> 00:10:06,323
Well, I guess if people want hobo food,
227
00:10:06,391 --> 00:10:08,358
they have to have a place to get it.
228
00:10:09,661 --> 00:10:11,728
You remind me of somebody.
229
00:10:13,064 --> 00:10:16,066
If you told me
I'll never amount to anything,
230
00:10:16,134 --> 00:10:19,303
it would be downright eerie.
231
00:10:19,337 --> 00:10:20,363
Oh, listen,
232
00:10:20,388 --> 00:10:22,392
you must be exhausted
233
00:10:22,494 --> 00:10:24,612
- from all that alienating.
- Okay.
234
00:10:24,676 --> 00:10:27,911
Why don't you sit and I'll get
you a cup of tea, huh?
235
00:10:27,945 --> 00:10:29,713
Darlene, can you join me?
236
00:10:29,747 --> 00:10:31,581
Darlene...
237
00:10:31,616 --> 00:10:34,651
while you're in there, try
to talk him out of the beard.
238
00:10:34,686 --> 00:10:37,054
It makes him look like a Bolshevik.
239
00:10:40,491 --> 00:10:42,759
This couch smells.
240
00:10:42,794 --> 00:10:44,161
Thank you!
241
00:10:46,748 --> 00:10:50,135
Holy crap. I thought you were
exaggerating for effect.
242
00:10:50,143 --> 00:10:52,077
If anything, you downplayed her.
243
00:10:52,112 --> 00:10:53,145
Yeah. Here. I gotta go.
244
00:10:53,180 --> 00:10:55,414
What? Don't you dare
leave me alone with her.
245
00:10:55,448 --> 00:10:56,816
It's the hardware store.
246
00:10:56,850 --> 00:10:57,950
What about the hardware store?
247
00:10:57,984 --> 00:10:59,618
I have jury duty.
248
00:10:59,686 --> 00:11:01,153
Look, I get it, you don't want
to be around your mom,
249
00:11:01,196 --> 00:11:02,230
but you know what?
250
00:11:02,293 --> 00:11:04,290
She's your mom, not mine,
so get your ass in there.
251
00:11:04,324 --> 00:11:05,658
No. Look.
252
00:11:05,692 --> 00:11:08,294
I am still processing all of this, okay?
253
00:11:08,328 --> 00:11:12,080
And not surprisingly, my mom is
not gonna be a lot of comfort.
254
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:14,333
So, I'm gonna drive by our old house
255
00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:16,502
and try to drudge up some good memories.
256
00:11:16,570 --> 00:11:18,170
Here. Just get a few glasses in her.
257
00:11:18,205 --> 00:11:19,738
She's actually fun
if she's been drinking.
258
00:11:19,773 --> 00:11:22,575
- Really?
- No. Stop making me lie.
259
00:11:24,552 --> 00:11:26,920
Are you sure you're gonna be
okay if I leave early?
260
00:11:26,980 --> 00:11:28,347
Becky and I are having movie night.
261
00:11:28,381 --> 00:11:30,816
Oh, wow. Look at you,
262
00:11:30,851 --> 00:11:34,253
having specially named nights
with Becky at the house.
263
00:11:34,321 --> 00:11:35,921
What's all that about, huh?
264
00:11:35,956 --> 00:11:38,290
We're hanging out with the baby.
265
00:11:38,325 --> 00:11:40,292
Last night
we had a nice time watching TV.
266
00:11:40,327 --> 00:11:42,361
"Nice time." Gotcha.
267
00:11:42,429 --> 00:11:45,331
So, uh... what did you do last night?
268
00:11:45,365 --> 00:11:47,366
We made some pizza rolls.
269
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:48,567
Okay, okay.
270
00:11:48,602 --> 00:11:50,369
"Pizza rolls." Yeah.
271
00:11:50,403 --> 00:11:52,538
Did you both reach for one
at the same time
272
00:11:52,572 --> 00:11:56,108
'cause you were just both so "hungry"?
273
00:11:56,176 --> 00:11:58,310
Why are you making everything dirty?
274
00:11:58,345 --> 00:12:00,279
Because you kids belong together
275
00:12:00,347 --> 00:12:02,314
and you're finally taking this
to the next level.
276
00:12:02,349 --> 00:12:03,782
I think so, too.
277
00:12:03,850 --> 00:12:05,851
Well, then,
you need to make a move, man.
278
00:12:05,886 --> 00:12:08,520
Well, what kind of moves
are you talking about?
279
00:12:08,555 --> 00:12:11,390
Well, next time,
you watch something scary
280
00:12:11,424 --> 00:12:15,628
so then maybe she'll take your
hand or cuddle up next to you.
281
00:12:15,662 --> 00:12:17,363
- Ahhh.
- Ah.
282
00:12:17,397 --> 00:12:18,530
There's this documentary out
283
00:12:18,565 --> 00:12:22,034
about a daughter
who brutally murders her mother.
284
00:12:22,102 --> 00:12:24,069
Uh, well, no, maybe not that one.
285
00:12:24,104 --> 00:12:26,672
That's more of a "feel good" thing.
286
00:12:29,142 --> 00:12:31,243
...and, you know, when Ben was three,
287
00:12:31,278 --> 00:12:34,413
he used to go everywhere
in his little Batman mask.
288
00:12:34,481 --> 00:12:37,249
But that was all, because
he hated to wear clothes.
289
00:12:37,284 --> 00:12:38,584
It didn't matter where.
290
00:12:38,618 --> 00:12:42,755
He'd strip down in banks,
supermarkets, church.
291
00:12:42,789 --> 00:12:44,290
He always looked like
292
00:12:44,324 --> 00:12:47,359
a tiny, naked Mexican wrestler.
293
00:12:47,394 --> 00:12:50,529
Well, he hasn't outgrown that.
294
00:12:50,563 --> 00:12:52,264
The second we're alone in the house,
295
00:12:52,308 --> 00:12:55,777
the clothes come off and it's
"I'm Batman."
296
00:12:57,304 --> 00:12:59,838
You know, you are so easy to talk to.
297
00:12:59,906 --> 00:13:02,641
I understand
why Ben's never been happier.
298
00:13:02,676 --> 00:13:04,610
Oh. Same here.
299
00:13:04,644 --> 00:13:06,512
Well, that's how it should be.
300
00:13:06,546 --> 00:13:09,982
I always wished Ben's dad
had been a little more fun.
301
00:13:10,016 --> 00:13:12,284
Oh, here's something that I kept from...
302
00:13:12,319 --> 00:13:14,086
No, I can't talk about that.
303
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:17,323
Oh. Well, you've known me
for several hours.
304
00:13:17,357 --> 00:13:18,791
You can tell me anything.
305
00:13:18,858 --> 00:13:20,459
Okay.
306
00:13:20,493 --> 00:13:24,496
I once sent sexy e-mails
to my first boyfriend
307
00:13:24,531 --> 00:13:26,699
through the Classmates website.
308
00:13:26,733 --> 00:13:28,067
Oh.
309
00:13:28,101 --> 00:13:29,435
Well, we've all got stuff.
310
00:13:29,469 --> 00:13:30,869
One time I had a few drinks,
311
00:13:30,904 --> 00:13:34,373
and I sent a sexy e-mail to Barack Obama.
312
00:13:34,407 --> 00:13:36,709
Next thing I know,
there's two guys in black suits
313
00:13:36,776 --> 00:13:38,077
with earpieces at my door.
314
00:13:38,144 --> 00:13:42,614
Well, I went
to the mall and tried on Spanx,
315
00:13:42,649 --> 00:13:45,584
and then breezed past the security guard
316
00:13:45,652 --> 00:13:48,153
looking three pounds lighter.
317
00:13:50,290 --> 00:13:53,225
Oh, and Ben's dad isn't his real father.
318
00:13:53,293 --> 00:13:55,627
What?
319
00:13:56,930 --> 00:13:58,797
I had a fling.
320
00:13:58,832 --> 00:14:00,332
Ben doesn't know about it,
321
00:14:00,367 --> 00:14:04,003
and Nate was humiliated,
so I promised not to tell.
322
00:14:04,037 --> 00:14:05,871
Well, there's no point in going on.
323
00:14:05,905 --> 00:14:07,006
I think you won.
324
00:14:12,748 --> 00:14:14,912
I just want to check
if the coast is clear.
325
00:14:14,950 --> 00:14:17,673
Is Bizarro Bev still in the house?
326
00:14:17,714 --> 00:14:18,730
No.
327
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:21,627
She went on a walk
after casually mentioning
328
00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:24,496
that Ben's dad is not his real dad
329
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:25,831
and Ben doesn't know.
330
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,366
Oh, wow.
331
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,834
That's a good one.
332
00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:29,868
Well, good luck with that.
333
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,505
Come on, Jackie.
334
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,842
Look, I feel like Ben deserves to know
335
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,511
the real reason
that his father was so distant,
336
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,280
but finding out now
337
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,615
that both his parents
lied to him his entire life
338
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:45,517
could screw him up even worse.
339
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,985
What am I supposed to do?
340
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:48,186
Make her tell him.
341
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:51,456
She's the one who was sleeping
around, the Easy Ethel.
342
00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,026
You know what? I'm not gonna tell him.
343
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,160
If she doesn't want to deal with it,
344
00:14:55,194 --> 00:14:57,062
maybe it's better
that he just doesn't know.
345
00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:58,764
He's already come to terms with the fact
346
00:14:58,831 --> 00:14:59,998
that his father was distant.
347
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:03,268
Yeah. Sometimes the truth
only makes things harder.
348
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:04,937
You remember how devastated I was
349
00:15:05,004 --> 00:15:07,973
when I found out
that my mother was... you know
350
00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:10,842
actually my real mother.
351
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:15,948
This documentary's freaking me out.
352
00:15:15,982 --> 00:15:17,950
- It's scary, isn't it?
- Ooh.
353
00:15:17,984 --> 00:15:19,484
Listen to the music.
354
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:21,720
They're definitely gonna find
the mom's body in here.
355
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,956
It's body-finding music.
356
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:25,557
Oh, oh.
357
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:27,526
Don't open the freezer!
358
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,995
Oh, my...
359
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:33,332
What are you doing?
360
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:36,568
I thought maybe you wanted me to.
361
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,270
Why would you think that?
362
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:42,107
Because we were spending
more time together.
363
00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:43,208
And we were having so much fun
364
00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:46,044
watching those kids
murder their parents.
365
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:47,646
I just thought...
366
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,215
maybe you were starting to look
at me in a different way.
367
00:15:50,249 --> 00:15:52,985
Oh. No.
368
00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:55,320
I'm happy that we're sharing
our crazy crap
369
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,389
that we're going through, but...
370
00:15:57,423 --> 00:15:58,590
you're dating.
371
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,125
I thought you moved on.
372
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:01,393
This isn't a date.
373
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:03,028
Why not?
374
00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:05,364
We have such a good time together.
375
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,366
A-A-And you're not meeting
anybody great,
376
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,101
and I'm not meeting anybody great.
377
00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:11,403
We're married, we have a baby together.
378
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,171
We should be dating.
379
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:16,241
I like hanging out with you as a friend.
380
00:16:16,275 --> 00:16:18,210
Maybe I'm selfish.
381
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,946
I'm sorry if I'm sending
the wrong signals.
382
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,414
I don't want to be a friend.
383
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:26,018
Okay, then think of me as...
as a sister.
384
00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:29,554
A sister... that you had a baby with.
385
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:33,859
- I think I should go.
- No, you don't have to go.
386
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:35,994
Yeah, I do.
387
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,832
And just so you know,
once I go back to dating,
388
00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:42,200
I'm gonna be snapped up quick.
389
00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:44,569
Married, undocumented, short-order cooks
390
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:46,972
do not grow on trees.
391
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,940
Yeah, you think I'm the only desperate,
392
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,943
middle-aged alcoholic out there
that would find you attractive?
393
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,112
This is Lanford.
394
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:57,783
You can't swing a handle of
vodka without hitting one of us.
395
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:01,620
I'll see you tomorrow.
396
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,593
Hey. I didn't hear you come in.
397
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:11,315
Uh, your mom's probably
on her way back from her walk.
398
00:17:11,340 --> 00:17:12,507
I think if we're quiet,
399
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,741
we can hear the cloven hooves
on the sidewalk.
400
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:19,137
She's not taking a walk.
She's heading back to Florida.
401
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:21,106
- What?
- Yep.
402
00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:23,475
But true to her half-assed
parenting style,
403
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:27,145
she left a note saying that she told you
404
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,816
some very important and upsetting news,
405
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:34,186
and that since the cat's out of
the bag, she had to leave.
406
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,455
So... go.
407
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,798
Okay. Here it is.
408
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,236
You were born in prison.
You're a prison baby.
409
00:17:53,272 --> 00:17:56,108
What? My mom was in prison? Why?
410
00:17:56,175 --> 00:17:58,852
She jacked a car. She's a car jacker.
411
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,747
Mom.
412
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,624
I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't have left.
413
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:06,485
I want you to know I feel terrible.
414
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:08,120
Oh, boy.
415
00:18:08,154 --> 00:18:11,056
Look, it was a long time ago.
416
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:14,259
You were desperate
and needed money probably.
417
00:18:14,293 --> 00:18:18,296
No. I did not charge him a cent,
and I was not desperate.
418
00:18:18,364 --> 00:18:20,499
I was young, I was beautiful,
419
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,367
and he had a couple of eight balls
420
00:18:22,401 --> 00:18:24,503
and the first Boston album.
421
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:30,675
W-What are you talking about?
422
00:18:30,743 --> 00:18:32,644
Well, that's when I got pregnant.
423
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:35,347
I should've told you
Nate wasn't your real father
424
00:18:35,381 --> 00:18:36,915
a long time ago.
425
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:40,051
Oh, my God. Nate's not his father?
426
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,087
This is terrible news
427
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,889
after learning that
your mom's a coke head
428
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,157
and you were born in prison.
429
00:18:45,191 --> 00:18:47,058
This is too much for one day.
You know what?
430
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,560
You should leave or I should leave,
431
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:50,695
because one of us is gonna pass out.
432
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:55,233
So, wait. Dad wasn't my father?
433
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:57,727
Didn't Darlene tell you?
434
00:18:57,752 --> 00:19:00,172
I got pregnant by another man
435
00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:02,908
and Nate agreed to raise you as his own.
436
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:04,176
So Nate knew?
437
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:08,914
So, who is my real father?
438
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,116
He died a long time ago.
439
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,351
I-I came back because I knew
440
00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:16,054
you would have a lot of
questions that needed answering
441
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:17,956
if you were going to move on from this.
442
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,224
I do.
443
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:21,426
What was my real dad's name?
444
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:25,230
- Richard something.
- Oh.
445
00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:28,166
Where was he from? What did he like?
446
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:29,801
Uh, what did he do for a living?
447
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:32,938
Look, all I know
is he lived someplace cold
448
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:36,708
because he had a heavy jacket.
449
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:39,277
So, all you know about my real dad
450
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,313
is that he had a heavy jacket?
451
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:42,948
It was one night.
452
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:46,318
What's important is that you understand
453
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,420
that Nate found out I cheated on him
454
00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:52,324
and he was mad at me,
but he took it out on you.
455
00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:53,758
I'm sorry.
456
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:57,262
Y-Y... Do you have any idea
how much this screwed me up?
457
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:59,998
You let me go my whole life
thinking that my dad hated me,
458
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,300
that I was some kind of
huge disappointment to him.
459
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:04,970
Well, now, it was not your whole life.
460
00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:06,171
You're not dead yet.
461
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:10,475
If your life continues exactly
as it is from this point on,
462
00:20:10,509 --> 00:20:13,078
then we will all know
it was not my fault.
463
00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:15,814
Okay, I've got to go. My cab is here.
464
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,182
Love ya, Mom.
465
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,085
Thank you. We don't say it enough.
466
00:20:24,941 --> 00:20:26,863
Well, at least now I kinda understand
467
00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:28,665
why my dad treated me like crap.
468
00:20:28,736 --> 00:20:30,237
Every time he looked at me,
469
00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:33,907
he saw some jackass my mom
banged and hated me for it.
470
00:20:34,238 --> 00:20:35,472
Man, you were only a kid.
471
00:20:35,521 --> 00:20:38,211
He should have never
taken it out on you.
472
00:20:38,339 --> 00:20:40,707
I mean, I treat Darlene
like she's my own.
473
00:20:42,085 --> 00:20:43,886
If only.
474
00:20:44,092 --> 00:20:46,593
All right. We're here
to say goodbye to Nate.
475
00:20:46,661 --> 00:20:51,031
Dad, thanks for always
putting food on the table,
476
00:20:51,099 --> 00:20:53,333
and thanks for at least
never calling me a bastard.
477
00:20:53,401 --> 00:20:54,801
Mm.
478
00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:56,369
To Nate.
479
00:20:56,404 --> 00:20:58,038
And...
480
00:20:58,072 --> 00:21:00,207
to dead Richard with the heavy coat.
481
00:21:00,241 --> 00:21:02,876
One day, I'll figure out who you were.
482
00:21:02,910 --> 00:21:06,046
To dead Richard with the heavy coat.
483
00:21:06,114 --> 00:21:07,214
Clink.
484
00:21:07,248 --> 00:21:09,783
There is one saving grace.
485
00:21:09,817 --> 00:21:11,551
I've got a family here.
486
00:21:11,586 --> 00:21:15,455
Thank you, boy,
but you ain't family yet.
487
00:21:15,490 --> 00:21:20,127
You grab Miss Darlene-Sue here
and make of her an honest woman,
488
00:21:20,194 --> 00:21:23,543
and I'll be your Pappy,
teach you how to run hooch.
35671
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