Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

["Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" plays]

Ooh! It's the most beautiful scarf I've ever seen!

I'm sure of one thing--

this definitely came from a girl.

Well, whoever my Secret Santa is,

thank you, thank you, thank you!

Shows how much she knows.

I don't normally shop off the rack,

but that scarf just screamed out to me, "Leslie!"

Very nice, Leslie.

All righty, then.

It's time for my own little Christmas cookie

to open his present.

Mom!

Come on, Leonard, let's see what your Secret Santa brought you.

Oh, please, please, please, let it be something good.

-Eww! -Eww, gross!

What's wrong with you people?

Haven't you ever seen a wormball before?

Oh, come on, boys, I'm taking you back home.

[all] Eww!

[schoolbell rings]

Okay, not so fast.

I didn't give you your homework assignment

for the Christmas vacation.

Now, everyone get out your pencils and write this down.

[all] Aww!

Have... a...

wonderful...

vacation...

Psych!

[cheering]

Okay, bye! See you next year!

Have a great vacation! Merry Christmas!

A wormball! Can you believe it?

At least you've got Christmas to look forward to.

This yo-yo from my Secret Santa is the only toy I'm gonna get.

What are you talking about?

Mom and I always get you toys for Christmas.

What you and ma get me are dog toys.

A rawhide bone. A new collar. A dish with my name on it.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Well, that's because you're a dog.

True... technically.

But inasmuch as I spend half my life in the persona

of Scott Leadready II-- a boy--

It would be nice if just once

I could get some boy toys for Christmas.

Quit complaining.

At least you know you're going to be

disappointed for Christmas.

With me it's always the big buildup

of all the great stuff I'm gonna get,

followed by the letdown of getting underwear, socks,

and "educational" games.

Hey, look at this.

"Lost. A beloved Tibetan terrier.

Moby-Dog. $500 reward for his return."

He probably ran away

'cause he knew he wasn't gonna get any good toys.

Looks like everyone's gonna have a blue Christmas.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of Holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Pretty Boy loves Mr. Jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la [whistles] la ♪

Leave it to you to ruin a holiday classic!

And speaking of holiday bummers, look what the cat dragged in.

No offense.

Ah-huh. None taken. What's the matter with you two?

Uh, let's just say we've seen the ghost of Christmas future,

and it ain't pretty.

-[clicks] -Hey...

Where'd you get the yo-yo?

From my Secret Santa.

You have a Secret Santa?!

Where did you get that Secret Santa?

Can I get a Secret Santa? What exactly is a Secret Santa?!

Hmm? Huh? Hmm? Hmm?

I bet you the guy who invented the term "birdbrain"

never owned a cat.

A Secret Santa is where everyone puts their name in a hat,

you pull out a name and become that person's Secret Santa,

and have to get them a Christmas present.

But they never know it's from you, hence the word "secret."

What a perfectly wonderful idea!

We should do the Secret Santa thing!

Pretty Boy, let's put our names in a hat.

I'm guessing that if I say no,

you're just going to keep on bugging me till I give in.

Yep!

All right.

Hey, dogboy, let me borrow your hat.

I'll get some paper and pencils!

Here we go! Okay, write...

Write the name...

Okay, and now we pick!

Ooh, this is so exciting!

Uh, I got me.

And I got me.

Okay, try again.

[humming]

Me again.

Same here.

Okay, one more time.

Shake 'em up really good.

Okay. Hey, I got-- oops!

I can't say. It's a secret.

I've seen some meshugeneh kitties in my day,

but hands down, you take the cookie!

Could you two please keep it down to a dull, annoying roar?

We're trying to be depressed over here.

Hey, check this out!

[announcer] Graphics so real you can see them!

Sound so alive you can hear it!

Once you play the Mach III Game Command

everything else will seem like a game!

The Mach III Game Command.

It's better than Mach II-- it's Mach III!

In stores now.

Did you see that?!

Getting a Mach III Game Command for Christmas

would make me the happiest kid in East Westland

for the rest of my life!

Or at least till they come out with a Mach IV Game Command.

...and it's got graphics so real you can see them!

And it's much better than mach ii because it's Mach III.

Did I mention that?!

Only about 15 times.

So... Can I get it for Christmas?

Please, can I?! Please?! Please?!

I don't know, Leonard.

We'll have to see what Santa thinks.

Now, how 'bout a little less chatter

and a little more eating?

All right.

If I don't get that Mach III Game Command, I'll just die.

Well, it's nice to see you're keeping things in perspective.

W-What do you think? Do I have a chance?

A chance?!

Lenny, weren't you listening to your mom?

She said, "we'll have to see what Santa thinks about it."

So?

Every kid past third grade knows that when a parent says,

"we'll have to see what Santa thinks about it," they mean,

"I'm gonna get on the phone to the North Pole and make sure

my snookums gets whatever his heart desires."

Really? How did I miss that?!

So, while you're reveling in your Mach III Game Command

on Christmas morn, I'll be itching like crazy

because my new dog collar chafes my neck.

Yeah!!

This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!

But I don't know why you're so unhappy.

I always share my toys with you.

That's the whole point. They're your toys!

I play with your toys. I wear your clothes.

I sleep in your room.

I want my own stuff!

Aw, cheer up.

At least you're not lost like that dog

whose family is so worried that they're willing to pay

500 bucks to get him back.

Oh, really?

At least his family is willing to spend a little dough-re-mi

to show how much they love him.

Wait a minute!

$500! Leonard, you're a genius!

Don't you see?

All I have to do is go out and find that lost dog,

return him to his owners, collect the 500 simoleons,

and no more hand-me-downs for this dog-on-the-go!

Hey, that's great!

I'm gonna get my Mach III Game Command,

and you're gonna get the $500 reward,

and this really is gonna be the best Christmas ever!

Oh, Leonard, it's a Christmas miracle!

Tap, tap, tap, tap. Ah! Here we go.

Now, then, let's just see what they might have

for a crabby canary.

Hey! What do you think you're doing barging in here like that?

I know this Secret Santa thing is supposed to be a secret,

but let's quit the games and admit it.

I got you, you got me!

I don't know what you're talking about.

[glass breaks]

Come on, there were only two names in the hat.

You don't have to be a rocket surgeon to figure it out.

Sorry. No comprendo.

Oy!

Okay, here's the deal--

how do I know whether to get you something good

or a piece of junk, unless I know what you're getting me?!

Pretty Boy, you're missing the point of gift giving.

It isn't about obligations.

Your gift is an expression of how much you care about someone.

Ohhh. I see.

All right, then, just tell me how much it costs.

Ha! No can do.

Half the fun of Secret Santa is not knowing.

Oh, yeah?! Well, I know one thing.

I know you are a big pain in my beak!

Okey-doke, so now I'll just pop by the toy store

and pick up one of those "Match" III game thingies.

Then we're all finished with the Christmas shopping.

[woman] Get out of my way!

[indistinct shouting]

Excuse me, young man, could you tell me please

where you keep the "Match" III Game Commands?

Hah, we don't "keep" them.

Those things fly off the shelves faster than they come in.

If I give you my phone number,

would you call me if any more arrive?

Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Sure, Leslie, you can come over and play with it

any time you want.

Mi Mach III Game Command es su Mach III Game Command.

Tomorrow afternoon would be great.

All righty, then. It's a date.

Ciao.

Well, I'm off to find the missing dog

and cash in on the reward.

I should be back before dinner.

Good luck.

Thanks, but with this nose and these brains,

I won't be needing any luck.

Moby-dog, you are as good as found.

Mo-by!

Mo-by!

Where are you?!

[sighs]

So much for this nose and these brains.

Oh, well, maybe I'll get lucky.

Brr-rr-rr. It's getting cold.

[horns honking]

Great googly moogly, Mary Lou!

It's the mother lode!

Oh, my Leonard is gonna be so happy!

Hey, what the-- oh, no-- yikes.

Hey! Ooh! Ooh! Oh, boy. Ow!

Hey, look out! Get out of my way!

Get out of my way! Give me that!

Noooo!

I can squeeze you in from 4:00 to 4:30,

Saturday the 9th.

I'm sorry, that's my earliestavailability.

Oh, all right.

I guess I'll take whatever I can get.

[wind blowing]

Moby? Are you down there?

Hello? Anybody?

Oh, what's the use?

[shivering]

Ah-choo!

Gesundheit.

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Well, I guess I'd better keep looking.

Apparently my keen senses have been dulled by the cold.

Moby-dog, I presume?

That's my name, don't wear it out.

Oh, brother, you don't know how glad I am to see you!

Spot's the name, and rescue is my game.

Come on, I'm taking you home to your family!

[chuckles] My family is right here.

Oh, boy. The pooch is hallucinating.

Listen, pal, I hate to break it to you,

but there's nobody here but us canines.

Not here.

Here.

Spot, this is Charlotte. Charlotte, Spot.

Oh! I, uh... Ooh-- howdy, ma'am.

Hi, Spot--

and Moby, I think it's time.

Time?! Time for what?!

Time to go home and collect the reward?!

Uh, that is, I mean-- be with our loved ones?

No. Time for our family to be born.

Uh, run that by me one more time.

I'm about to have puppies.

Oh! That's nice. She's about to have puppies.

Puppies?!

But...

I don't know anything 'bout birthin' puppies,

Miss Charlotte!

Leonard, I'm home.

Hi, mom.

There's my little bundle of joy.

Ha ha. What do you have there?

Oh, this is my Mach III Game Command play-schedule.

See, I've broken it down into three categories--

"cool kids," "not-so-cool kids," and "total geeks."

Oh, Leonard, you shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that.

I don't know how to tell you this,

but Santa couldn't get any Mach III Game Commands

and neither could I.

I looked everywhere.

What?! But you said-- I called everybody!

They all think--

Lenny, I'm so sorry.

[telephone rings]

I'll be right back.

[rings]

I'm ruined.

This is gonna be the worst Christmas ever.

Hey, how come Spot's not here for dinner?

He went out to find some stupid lost dog.

Spot's outside? In this weather?

What weather?

[wind howling]

Oh, my gosh!

It's a blizzard!

Spot! Here, boy!

Spot, are you out there?!

Hey, Nanook, in case you didn't notice, I'm a tropical bird!

Shut the door!

Oh, Leonard, you'll never guess what just happened!

That was the young man from the first store I went to,

and he said that someone just returned a Mach III Game Command

and if we can get down there in the next 30 minutes,

it's all ours!

Ha ha, isn't that fantastically fabuloso?!

It's a Christmas miracle, I tell you!

-Forget the game. -What?

Spot's out there in the storm,

and I'm afraid if we don't find him, he might freeze.

Oh, my gracious!

Poor little Spotty's out in this?!

Get your coat! I'll start the car.

Does no one care about my delicate constitution?!

[voice breaking] Oh...Oh...

The miracle of life.

I can't believe I was here to witness it.

Everything I've ever seen or done or thought about

suddenly seems so trivial.

[crying]

But... We can't dwell on the past.

Come on, Moby. Time to get you home.

I appreciate what you're trying to do here, Spot,

but I can't leave my family.

But what about your human family?

Ma and Pa and Little Bobby or Jimmy or...

Montana, if they went with one of those unique yuppie names.

What about them, huh? Don't they count?

My owners don't have any kids, but I do.

I'm a dad now... And I'm needed here.

Of course. You're right.

I understand, but if you don't mind,

I think I better be getting home

so I can spend Christmas with my family.

[whimpering]

[chuckles] Looks like you made a new friend.

Aw, let's name him "Spot."

"Spot"? You want to name him "Spot"?

[voice breaking] That's the nicest--

Oh, now look at me-- gettin' all emotional!

Hello, little Spot.

Yes! Yes! Welcome to the world

ah... choo!

Gesundheit.

Oh, Moby, I'm worried. It's getting awfully cold.

If we don't get the puppies someplace warm

I'm afraid they might not make it.

Might not make it? No!

I will not allow it!

Not as long as I have a breath left to take.

You two stay here and keep the puppies as warm as you can.

I'm going for help.

I shall return!

Spot! Spotty-wotty!

Here, boy!

Spot!

Oh, please, if I can just get my Spot back,

I'll never ask for another toy.

Where am I?

[shivering] S-s-s-so c-c-c-cold.

Spot, where are you?

Leonard, honey... [sighs]

We've searched the whole town twice, and now, I'm afraid,

it's time to go home and pray

that Spot found someplace warm to spend the night.

No! Please, can't we just look a little while longer?

Please?

All right, sweetie, but just for a little while.

I can barely see the road in front of me.

So tired now.

Must sleep before Santa comes.

Ohh...

Look...

A nice, soft cloud to rest on.

[shivering]

Yow! What am I doing?!

I can't quit now...

But how am I ever gonna find my way home?

It's hopeless.

Ooh, look, a car! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute-- that's not just a car.

Could it be...

Yes... It's Mrs. H. And Leonard!

They've come to rescue me!

It's a Christmas miracle!

Oh! Oh, no!

My last chance at salvation!

Wait a minute...

There's still a chance!

[barking]

He's alive!

[both] It's a Christmas miracle!

Oh, Spot, thank goodness we found you!

Lenny, you've got to follow me.

There's something we have to do!

But...

[barking]

[whimpering]

And you're telling me this little fellow

actually found our Moby and his new family?

That's right!

Spot's the best dog in the world.

Well, this is just about the best Christmas present

anyone ever got.

And you folk's have got a $500 reward coming to you.

Oh, no, no.

We couldn't take money for bringing your doggy home.

It just wouldn't be right, especially on Christmas Eve.

[thinking] Nooo!

[all] Aww!

[thinking] Aw, who cares about a stupid reward?

Okay, well, we better be getting home.

Say, I just thought of something.

I work for this toy company,

and even though you won't take the reward,

I was wondering, young man, would you like one of these?

Ah!

Here you go. Merry Christmas.

Don't say I never gave you nothin'.

For me?! You were my Secret Santa?!

Quelle surprise!

Oh, I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!

It's...

String?

So you can pull your catnip mousy around.

I ripped it off my seedball so you could have it.

[voice breaking] Oh...

That is...

[crying]

What?!

A bell?!

I ripped apart my catnip mousy

so you could have a little bell for your seedball.

You mean to tell me I ruined

a perfectly good seedball for this?!

Sorry.

"Sorry" don't feed the canary, mister!

Isn't it funny?

I was bummed out 'cause I wasn't gonna get the Mach III for Christmas,

then when I thought you were lost,

it was the worst Christmas ever.

But when we found you,

it turned out to be the best ever,

and I didn't even care about the stupid game anymore.

Yes, Leonard, that's very funny.

I, too, realized that getting the $500 reward

so I could buy my own stuff

wasn't important in the grand scheme of things

'cause as I long as I can wake up and play with you,

that's the greatest gift I could ever hope to receive.

Me, too.

You know what I think we've got here?

I think I do.

Then say it with me...

[both] It's a Christmas miracle!