All language subtitles for Teachers.Pet.S02E18_English

♪ Born on the wrong end
Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪
-♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪
-♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash
For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes
His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone
For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪
-♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid
like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

Finally, my salt-and-flour map
of Uruguay is finished.

How does it look?

Uh, I'd say it's
just a dead ringer.

[sniffing]

Why does it smell
like Vermont?

I ran out of salt,

so I used Mr. Jolly's
pine-scented cat litter

for the mountains.

[chuckles] No wonder
I was drawn to it!

[sniffs]

Ahh!

What a glorious morning!

Unlike Leonard, who waited till
the last minute,

I worked on my map of Argentina
in a timely manner

over the month allotted
for said assignment.

♪ Yah ta-ta-ta ♪

El presidente has entered
the building!

Next to you,
I look like a loser.

Ah, an accurate assessment,
Leonard,

because you're a peasant

while I'm a former Argentinean dictator.

I wish I was a dictator.

We can't all be dictators.

After all, without peasants,

we dictators would have
no one to... dictate to.

Uh, to whom we dictate to.

To whom
which to we dictate to.

Ah, give me a break!

No habla inglés.

[woman chanting in Spanish]

[upbeat Spanish music plays]

Looks like
I'm not the only one

who waited
until the last minute.

[whistle blows]

Wow!

Careful, Leonard, you'll drool
on Leslie's outfit.

Obviously a costume typical of
carnival in Rio de Janeiro,

Brazil.

Oh, Scott, you're so
knowledgeable...

And so well-dressed!

You must be--

don't tell me.
Let me guess.

Juan Domingo Perón--

Argentine dictator off and on
from 1946 to 1974.

Buena, señorita.

For that, I shall appoint you
head of the treasury.

[Giggles]

What do you think of my costume?
I'm a Uruguayan peasant.

Yours?

Uh, well, it's, uh...
Authentic.

[scoffs]
Authentic for a loser.

At least he's chosen
to wear a costume.

Hey, soccer is the national
sport of Venezuela.

Besides, I have
a soccer match later today.

What's your excuse, Scott?

You run out of beanie caps?

If you care to address me,
please do so as "sir,"

"your highness," or
"El presidente."

Ooh!

Whoa!

Check out Chelsea and Kelsey.

Ladies, can-can dancers?

The last time I looked,
France was in Europe,

not South America.

-We represent French Guiana.
-We represent French Guiana.

Then, to quote the French,
"touché."

[giggles] You said "tushie."

[giggling] Scott said "tushie."

Ah, that can only be the
sardonic wit of Ian Wazselewski.

I'm not Ian.
I'm a llama!

Llamas are native to Peru.

A perfect choice for you,

since llamas are noted
for their ability to spit.

Doofus!

That's not
why I chose Peru!

I did it so I could be close to
the future Mrs. Wazselewski--

Ruth!

Peru and Bolivia share a border

and the largest lake on
the continent, Lake Titicaca.

First of all, let me
congratulate you

for not sniggering

at the mention of the lake
with the unfortunate name.

But more importantly,

that's not why you choose
a country to study, Ian!

Look at Leonard.

He chose Uruguay

because he wanted to learn
more about its people,

its culture, its history.

Not because it's next to...
Leslie Dunkling's Brazil.

Dare I say it again?
Touché.

You said--

not a word, Ian.

All right, class.

I cleared room on this bookcase
for your maps.

Leslie, since Brazil is
the largest country

in South America,

would you bring yours up first?

Look at her map!

Wow!

Look at the spectacular colors,

the verdant green
of the rain forest,

the azure blue
of the Amazon River.

She used colored sugar.

Colored sugar?!

Leonard,
is there a problem?

I thought these were supposed to
be salt-and-flour maps.

I didn't know you could use
colored sugar.

Well, honey, ha ha!
I didn't say you couldn't.

In the words of you young people

and the national security agency,

Leslie thought
"outside the box."

She showed initiative.

Nice going, Leslie.

Way to mess up
the grading curve.

It's really pretty,
Leslie.

Makes me wish we spent every
waking minute on ours, too.

Uh, we?

Excuse me. All you
did was talk on the phone.

People like you
make me so mad!

Okeydokey, everybody.

Let's get our maps up here

and gather
for a snippety-snappy snapshot.

All righty-dighty.

All you south Americans
say "queso!"

[all] Queso!

For my keepsake album.
[chuckles]

Like I told my little Leonard--

a picture is like
a little frozen memory.

[bell rings]

Recess! Finally!

Oh, oh, after recess, Leslie,
you'll make your presentation,

and then you, Leonard.

Me?
Oh, great.

It's bad enough I have to get up
in front of the whole class,

but there's no way
I can follow Leslie.

Next to hers,
my map looks like garbage.

What did you expect?

You made it out of salt, flour,
cat litter, and garbage.

Ah, it worries me to see
a peon so troubled.

I'm not a peon,
but I am Leonard Helperman,

and I'll always be
Leonard Helperman,

and I'll always get the short
end of the stick.

Exactamente.
No importa.

Why worry about it,
my child?

Qué será será--
what will be will be.

You're right.

There's nothing I can do about
it, so why should I worry?

I'll just do it.
Thanks, El presidente.

I feel better already.

A little advice
from a dictator--

never let them see you sweat.

Oh, right!
I'll be right back.

[all gasp]

What's holding up
the line?

Make way for those
thirsting for knowledge.

Leonard!

Aaaah!

My map!

Need I remind you--

the punishment for deliberately
destroying

another student's...

[gulps]

Delicious-- I-I mean,
delicate project,

is no recess until college?

What have I done wrong
to cause my own son

to be accused of destroying
another student's project?!

[cries, blows nose]

Mom, I didn't break Leslie's map
of Brazil.

Someone else did.

Oh, really? Didn't you
say-- and I quote--

"Next to hers, my map
looks like garbage"?

Yes.

And at recess,

didn't you say you weren't
worried anymore

because you were going to--
and again I quote-- "do it"?

Yes, but--

and didn't everyone
in your class

see you holding
the broken map?

Yes, but--

motive, opportunity,
witnesses--

yes, sir.

You have to get up pretty early
before morning announcements

to trick
Principal Strickler.

Leonard Helperman, I can't
believe that you, of all people,

would break my map.

I'm gonna hate you
for the rest of my life.

I know it looks bad,

but let me tell you
what happened.

I was coming back from wiping
the sweat off my face

when I saw Leslie's map
was on the floor-- broken.

Aaaah!

So I picked it up thinking
if I could fix it,

Leslie would think
I was a-- a hero.

Oh, Leonard,
you're my hero!

[bell rings]

But before I could fix it,
recess ended.

Aaaaah!

Ha!

The patchwork story
of a guilty person.

Do you expect a professional
of my experience

to buy that malarky?

I do!

Not only that, but I'll
prove Leonard is innocent.

How can you possibly
do that?

By becoming the ultimate
detective--

Scottlock Holmes
at your service.

Oh, Scott, if only every boy
could grow up to be like you.

Please do whatever it takes to
save my precious babykins!

Oh oh oh!

Mom!
They're staring at us.

This is a mockery
of the detention process.

You see, my good sir, you
wrongly accuse Leonard

based on hearsay and
circumstantial evidence.

You have no proof.

You, the entire class

saw him holding
the broken map!

Precisely.

We saw him holding
the broken map.

We did not see him
break it.

Well, Mr. Ultimate Detective,
here's an ultimatum--

you have until the end of
the day to prove your case

or it's no recess
until college for babykins.

Thanks for believing me.

One down, and the remainder
of the school to go.

All because I wanted to be
a hero for Leslie.

Now she hates me.

I might as well give up
and plead for mercy.

Fear not, my dear man,

for I have an ability that will
allow me to unravel the mystery

of the broken Brazil.

Your canine sense of smell?

Well,
that goes without saying.

I was referring to deductive
reasoning skills I've acquired

reading all the Sherlock Holmes
mysteries

by sir Arthur Conan Doyle,

my personal favorite being
"The Hound Of The Baskervilles."

So that would make me your
assistant-- Dr. Watson.

Don't stretch, Lenny. You don't
have an advanced degree.

Why, you're barely passing
fourth grade.

Good day,
my good fellows and ladies.

Scottlock Holmes
at your service.

With Mrs. Helperman's
permission,

I am on a quest
to find the party responsible

for Leslie Dunkling's misfortune.

I thought Principal Strickler
said it was Leonard.

Please.
Use your deductive reasoning.

If I thought Leonard did it,

would I be looking
for the person who did?

Well, if it wasn't Leonard,
who else could it be?

We suspect you...

And you... and you--
all of you!

[Clears throat]

What my assistant is saying
is that until I conduct

a thorough scientific
investigation

which will serve to
eliminate the innocent,

no one is to leave this room!

[sniffs]
Hmm.

Chelsea, this morning
when Mrs. H. rewarded me

for outstanding achievement
in class decorum

and selected me
to collect the homework,

I don't recall
picking up your paper.

Would you care to explain?

My hair was a mess.

You're saying looks
are more important to you

than handing in
your homework?!

Duh!

Look at me!

Yet, here it is now!

I submit that...

[Leonard] She snuck it into
the stack during recess.

And that's when she knocked
Leslie's map to the floor.

Okay, I did
the homework thing,

but I didn't break
Leslie's map, really.

It must have been Kelsey.
She was over by the maps.

Me?! What are saying?
You're my best friend!

We swore an oath
on my cd collection!

So you broke
Leslie's map!

No, no, no, no, no!

I was opening the window
to let in some fresh air.

Or did you open the window

to cover up
what you were really doing?

Okay, I admit it.

I didn't want Chelsea
to know

I was putting a note
in Tyler's desk

because Chelsea thinks
Tyler's a dweeb.

That was you
leaving those notes?

I thought you liked Trevor.

Trevor?!
Ugh!

Chelsea's the one
who likes Trevor.

Kelsey!

I'd rather be with Leonard
than Trevor.

I knew somehow
this would come back to me.

Thanks for the humiliation, Chelsea!

But I didn't break the map.
I say Younghee did it.

I saw her moving Leslie's map,

and everyone she was jealous of it.

People like you
make me so mad!

Not so fast.

I believe Younghee
was referring to an incident

that happened earlier
in the morning

when Leslie took cuts
in front of her.

It's like I have a sign
that says,

"take cutsies. I'm a wimp
like Leonard Helperman."

That's why I was mad at Leslie.

And I deduced
the reason you moved Brazil

was to put Chile in the sun

since the capital of Chile,
Santiago, is still wet!

Yes, yes, that's it!
I didn't break Brazil.

Ruth did it.

Wait! I can explain.

No need to.

It's obvious
to the well-trained eye

that you didn't want Bolivia
to be next to Ian's Peru,

so you moved it farther west
to make room for Bolivia.

No! Stop!
Don't accuse Ruth.

I admit it.
It was me! I did it!

[all gasp]

So, Ian, you admit you broke
Leslie's map!

Nah, I just wanted Leonard
to get his hopes up.

Everyone knows he did it.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Did you see Leonard's face

when I said I broke
Leslie's map of Brazil?

Am I a riot or what?

Ha ha ha ha!

Thank you, Ian, for sharing your
finely honed sense of humor.

But if it's
not asking too much,

tell us exactly
what you did during recess.

Well, when my beloved Ruth put
Bolivia next to Brazil...

...i put my Peru as close to
Bolivia as I could,

hoping she would want
to form an alliance.

Ew!

[sniffs]

Uh, you didn't use paste,
did you, Ian?

No. I can't be trusted
not to eat the paste,

so I had to use glue.

So, you assembled your map
with a glue stick.

And just a skosh
of earwax.

I'll show you.

[all] Eww!

No need for that.

However, I think we understand
why Ruth wanted to move her map.

So, by process of elimination,

I have ruled out Chelsea,
Kelsey, younghee, Ruth,

and Ian as suspects.

We know Leslie didn't do it,
and of course,

I know I didn't do it.

That leaves only one possible
culprit-- Leonard Helperman!

[all gasp]

Oops. Heh.
Sorry about that, Leonard.

I thought I had that deductive
reasoning thing down.

Well, back to the drawing board.

Look, "Scottlock," maybe
I should just take the rap

so everybody can go back to
talking to each other.

Cop a plea to appease
the man?! Never!

There's still more here
than meets the eye.

Isn't it a fact, Leslie,

that you went to Leonard's house
to borrow paste?

Well, yes.

I ran out while I was gluing
down the rain forest.

So I went to see
if Leonard had any extra.

[panting]

[slurping]

But how did you know?
No one was there but Spot.

Uh, that smudge on your shoe--

it consists of dog hair, cat
fur, and bird droppings,

the combination of which

could only be found on
the Helperman welcome mat!

[gasps]
He's right. Oh, he is good.

I didn't break my own map.

No, but you have provided me
with the final clue

to break this case wide open!

Mrs. Helperman, if you summon
Principal Strickler,

I will reveal the true culprit.

Well,
tell me who did it,

and the full weight
of the public school system

will come crashing down
on their head.

Leslie's map was broken by...

No one... and everyone.

Excuse me? Is this supposed
to be a joke?

No. It would have been a joke
if I had said, "knock knock,"

and you would have said,
"who's there?"

Enough!
I get the point.

Just explain to me

why I can't ban
Leonard Helperman from recess

till college!

To do that, let me take
everyone back in time

to the scene of the crime--

not literally, of course, but
verbally and with visual aids.

Chelsea snuck back in to replace
her missing homework

while Kelsey opened a window

to cover her slipping a note
in Tyler's desk.

Younghee moved Brazil to
the edge of the shelf

so Santiago, the capital
of Chile, could dry.

Then Ruth, smelling Ian's Peru,
moved her Bolivia,

pushing Leslie's Brazil

partially over the edge
of the shelf.

And, finally,
Ian countered Ruth's move

by placing his earwax-glued map
of Peru

on the shelf
above Leslie's Brazil!

Each of these acts by themselves
didn't break Leslie's map,

but put together in a bizarre
chain of events...

Yes, yes!

With the window open,
Ian's earwax dried,

his Lake Titicaca toppled
into Leslie's rain forest.

Because it wasn't glued down,
it rolled down her map,

causing Brazil to fall
over the edge!

[all exclaim]

I don't buy it.

What kind of a school principal
do you think I am?

Elementary, my dear principal,
elementary.

Either you show me
one shred of solid evidence

to support
your cockamamie theory,

or it'll be no recess until
college for both of you.

Is that elementary enough?

Evidence? Yeah, that's it.
Of course.

You expect evidence.

But that's what
I wanted you to say

because you don't need evidence
because--

if you remember
anything, kid,

now would be the time
to speak up.

The picture my mom took.

Oh, here it is.

My dear sir, here is
all the proof you need

thanks to my trusty assistant,
Dr. Helperman.

I think your saving my tushie
was worth conferring upon you

an honorary
doctorate degree.

Ha ha!
You said "tushie" again.

Note the original positions
of the maps

and the closed window
before recess,

as opposed to the open window
and new positions of the maps.

Hmm.

I suppose...

And if you look closely
at the desk legs,

you'll see splatters of sugar

that match the color
of Lake Titicaca.

Not a word, Ian.

Hey!

But there aren't any
on Leonard's pants leg,

ergo, he was not near Brazil
when it fell to the floor.

[cheers and applause]

I'm sorry for thinking
you broke my map, Leonard.

Oh, that's okay, Leslie.

I mean, even I would have
thought I did it.

Uh, I mean if I saw myself

standing over
your busted Brazil--

I mean, not that I...

Accept her apology
and close your mouth.

Right.

Thanks, Leslie. I'm just glad
this nightmare is over.

For you, maybe...

but wait just a minute.

There's something else
revealed in this picture.

A final act that led to the
destruction of Leslie's Brazil.

The Amazon river
in the photograph

stretches its entire distance.

This Amazon river does not.

You're right. So?

So, someone else was
in the room during recess,

someone who has
a penchant for sweets,

someone who licked off
6 centimeters of sugar--

enough to lighten Leslie's map

so when her rain forest
rolled forward,

it would fall to the floor.

You keep saying "someone."
Who is it?!

Someone who keeps sugar-filled
candy straws in his desk.

[all gasp]

Principal Strickler, don't you
think we deserve the true story?

You mean I--

Oh, no, the shame!

I was on my way

to monitor playground activity
during recess

when I saw the sugar maps.

The Amazon river, that long
flowing ribbon of blue sugar.

I couldn't stop myself.

[gasps]

Okay, okay, I have a weakness
for colored-sugar candy.

I've had it
ever since I was a kid.

But I had no idea my craving

was involved in the bizarre
chain of events

that eventually broke
Leslie's map!

I see now I was wrong
to accuse Leonard.

And so in the words of
Scottlock Holmes,

"I apologize to everyone
and no one."

Apology accepted,
Principal Strickler.

Right, class?

Ha ha ha! Why don't we get
right to the lesson?

The lesson, if I may,
Mrs. H.,

is that false accusations
lead to injustice.

For in this great land of ours,

every man is innocent
until proven guilty.

History is replete with the
names of the wrongly accused--

Sacco and Vanzetti,
Alfred Dreyfus,

Rubin Hurricane Carter,

and to which we can now add
the name of Leonard Helperman.

Songs by over-the-hill singers
will extol Leonard's innocence.

Scott!

Huh?

The lesson I had in mind

was your reports
on South America.

Principal Strickler,

we'd be pleased as punch
to have you stay and listen.

Principal Strickler?

[slurping]

[samba drums beating]