Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

[bow fires]

[Leonard] Ow.

Dear Leslie...

From your secret admirer.

Love, Leonard.

Uh, Leonard?

The rule is, secret valentines are supposed to be... secret.

[laughs]

Perhaps if you sign it "Your secret admirer... not Leonard,"

it'll throw her off.

This is hard.

The eternal Valentine dilemma--

plant clues in case she likes you,

but keep them vague enough for credible denial

in case she doesn't.

Such a slender tightrope St. Valentine has strung.

Maybe I'll pretend to be sick tomorrow.

What? And miss Valentine's Day at school-- are you kidding?!

You and Tyler are gonna get all the girls' cards anyway.

It's not a contest, Leonard.

It doesn't matter how many you get.

How many does Tyler usually get?

You know, just out of curiosity.

I'd be happy just to get one-- from anybody.

Leonard Helperman not getting any valentines?

Impossible!

You're popular.

Maybe not in the "I'm popular" sense,

but in the sense that kids say,

"Gee, Leonard's not the most popular, but we still like him."

Eh...ooh, here's a road I wish I hadn't gone down.

Hello!

Future wife, 9:00.

I'm gonna write her a Valentine!

You think she'll even come back?

Oh, she'll come back.

I seen a lot of pigeons in my time,

but you got the best set of tail feath--

you can't write that.

Women like to be wooed.

Write this--

"Your eyes are pools I could drown in."

Me, drown?

You fall into the catnip again?

It's a metaphor.

You wouldn't literally be drowning.

So, I should lie to the woman?

That's your advice?

Ooh, I need a good place to hide these.

Look at all the valentines.

Aren't you the busy romantic?

They're all for Leonard.

Sending valentines to Lenny?

Easy, fella. They're secret valentines.

He won't know they're all from me.

It's unseemly is all I'm sayin'.

I want to make sure Leonard gets a lot of cards this year.

He's my master and my best friend.

It's my job to look out for him.

If he's ever gonna win the heart of Leslie, he needs confidence.

And nothing builds confidence like thinking you're popular.

You are so smart.

Spot Helperman, I wish I was your master

so you could do things like this for me.

Okay, now you're both gettin' weird.

And... done.

"How's 'bout a birdbath?"

That's it?

Short and sweet.

She'll never write back if you send this!

It's not romantic at all.

Romantic, schmomantic.

Babes like guys who are honest.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to puff up my feathers

so she'll think I have muscles.

[squeak]

[indistinct talking]

You look all waxed and polished today, Ian.

Hey, how'd you know it was earwax?

Uh... lucky guess.

I suppose I could tell you,

but you'd have to promise to keep it a secret.

And if you tell, I will send worms to your house

in the middle of the night to eat your eyeballs out.

Uh-huh.

Maybe you shouldn't tell me then,

just in case there's some clerical mix-up.

I'm gonna ask Ruth to go steady after school

and give her a heart.

It's a real one from the butcher stop.

Do you think she'll like it?

[laughs]

Oh, she's one lucky girl.

Is she in school today?

She's over there.

Okay, maybe she's not so lucky.

So, excited?

It's V-day-- the big "V."

"V" for victory.

Why would I be excited?

This could be the most embarrassing day of my life.

What if I don't get a card from anybody?

Leslie will never like me then.

Who wants to like a guy nobody else likes?

I should have stayed home.

Relax, you're gonna get a bunch of cards.

In fact, all the girls are stealing secret glances at you.

[whispering]

I don't see any.

Of course you don't.

That's why they're called "secret."

Trust me-- today's the day they've been waiting for--

when they can express their true feelings.

And when Leslie sees how popular you are,

she'll quickly declare her love.

[bell rings]

Good morning, class.

Now, before we hand out our secret valentines,

I thought it'd be a fun idea

to learn a little history about St. Valentine first.

[all exclaim]

Which one of my supersmart students can quickly tell us

who St. Valentine was?

[crickets chirping]

Well, we can't hand out the cards until someone tries.

St. Valentine's day derives from

the ancient Roman feast of Lupercalia

and is associated with two Roman martyrs, both named Valentine. Done!

Okey-dokey, go!

How many cards did you get, Tyler?

12.

[Ian] Wow, 12!

That's a lot!

How many'd you get, Scott?

Only 10.

Congratulations, Tyler.

Not that it's a contest or anything, but if it was,

it'd certainly take someone a lot more popular than me

to beat 12.

Say, how many did you get, Leonard?

13... 14... 15.

You got 15 cards? No way!

Let me see those.

Leonard got more than Tyler!

So, what's your secret, dude?

Yeah, dude, how do you get girls to like you?

If I were to speculate,

it's the way Leonard carries himself--

his cool demeanor, the cut of his jib.

Cut of his jib.

Cool demeanor.

Gotta get a jib.

Hey, what about stealing a girl's notebook

so she has to talk to you?

Gentlemen, Leonard's appeal

is not the result of silly, calculated actions.

If you were to ask Chelsea or Leslie or Younghee or--

did I mention Leslie?

They'd all say, including Leslie,

that Leonard has something special.

Maybe it's his shy innocence or his boyish good looks.

Who's to say?

The point is, he's popular because of who he is,

not simply what he does.

But the notebook thing could work, right?

Where you going, Ian?

To give Ruth her gift.

Yeah, about that--

I don't think that gift is such a good idea.

Shh! Here she comes.

Ahem. Here, Ruth.

I got a Valentine's present for you.

Ian, you shouldn't have.

That's what I tried to tell him.

This is so nice!

It is?

They're chocolates for the sweetest person I know.

They all have bite marks.

Well, duh!

I had to taste them to know which ones were which.

You know, my pet worms like the coconut-filled the best.

Ew!

Ahh!!

You don't like candy?

I got another gift!

Wait!

We just counted.

There's no way you could have gotten so many valentines.

You counted?

Look, this one has the same handwriting as this one...

And this one.

You made these yourself.

Leonard sent valentines to himself.

I didn't, I swear!

[all] Yeah, loser! You forger! Oh, you're just wrong, man.

Leonard's telling the truth.

Well, look at the bright side--

the worst part of the day's probably behind you now.

[snoring]

Yahoo! Whoopee!

"Let's get together.

I've been looking to meet a bird like you."

What's that I hear-- a cat apology?

"The other birds I usually meet are lowlifes

who ask me to take birdbaths with them."

Huh?

"But you're different.

When you said you drown in my eyes, it was so romantic--"

hold your horses. I didn't say--

you rewrote my letter.

Yeah.

I admit it was a risk, but she did write back.

You can't rewrite a guy's letter.

Yours would have insulted her.

Mine got her interested.

I was right, you were wrong.

And if you're gonna have her believe you're the refined,

romantic gentleman she obviously expects you to be,

you need my help.

A dumb cat's gonna help me with romance?

I'm laughing.

So, you know about corsages and boutonnieres?

Boot-on-whats?

Etiquette calls for the presentation

of a small collection of flowers on the first date.

You mean a clump of daisies?

I knew to get that.

Actually, roses are more appropriate,

but if daisies are the message you want to send...

Maybe roses-- I haven't decided.

Uh-huh.

Then I assume you know

that different colors send different messages.

It'd be a pity to make the mistake

of presenting her with white roses

since they have traditionally come to symbolize sympathy.

I would also stay away from the yellow and peach tones,

which are usually sent in friendship.

There's always red, of course,

but is the obvious choice always the best choice?

I'm sure you won't embarrass yourself.

Mnh-mnh-mnh.

All right, you can help.

First, you have to apologize.

You called me a dumb cat.

Apologize.

Sorry you're a dumb cat.

That's it.

I'm kiddin'! I'm kiddin'!

Okay, I'm sorry.

Very well.

First, we need to work on your diction.

Oh, gimme a break.

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

It's not "gimme," it's "give me--" two words.

Give me a break, you dumb cat.

[squeaking]

Psst.

Leonard...uh, about those cards...

I sorta know who made 'em.

Who?

First you have to promise not to get too mad at him--

or her.

You mean the person who made me look like a dork

in front of the whole school,

who destroyed any chance I had to get Leslie to like me?

[gulps] Yeah. That person.

He-- or she-- was just trying to do a nice thing.

Tell me who it is!

They'd never have done it

if they thought people would find out.

I demand you tell me.

Heh heh heh heh.

You?!

Leonard, is there something you want to say?

Not out loud. Sorry.

How could you-- why would you--

do you think I'm so pitiful

that I needed someone to send me fake cards?

I thought Leslie would like you more

if she saw how popular you were.

Fix it-- you hear me?

At lunchtime-- you tell everybody at lunchtime.

Say no more.

And don't tell me when I can say something

and when I can't.

Uh, it's just that everyone's staring.

So, you see... I did it.

Leonard knew nothing about it.

[indistinct talking]

Thank you.

I told you I'd set everything straight.

Leonard, you are such a loser.

First you send yourself fake valentines.

Now you ask Scott to lie to get you out of it?

He's not lying!

We saw you whispering in class.

You have it all wrong.

And you're the coolest.

Leonard didn't-- I'm the coolest?

You were willing to look like a fool to help your friend.

I'm gonna make my peanut-butter sandwich into a heart shape

and give it to you.

Oh. That's very kind, Chelsea, and certainly original,

but if I could just clear Leonard's name first--

I'm gonna make you a Valentine, too,

out of paper napkins and my silver-sparkle lip gloss.

I'm gonna use every color in the 64-crayon box.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

You had a plan. That's how I ended up here.

[girls giggling]

Your feathers are soft like milk.

Not milk-- silk.

That makes no sense.

It's romantic.

Give me a break!

Ooh! Here she comes!

Remember-- only say what I tell you.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is she?

Looks like that hurt. I should kiss it and make it--

ouch!

That hurt!

Do you want to ruin everything?

Only say what I tell you to say.

Start with, "you're more beautiful up close

than I ever dreamed--" quick, say it.

You're more beautiful than I thought--

I mean, dreamed.

Well, aren't you sweet? I'm Peppermint.

Pretty Boy Helperman at your service.

Pretty boy Helperman at your service!

Give her the flowers! Give her the flowers!

Don't pick Leonard.

He'll probably choose himself anyway.

[all laugh]

We pick [laughs] the tree.

Sorry I'm late.

The FBI's crime lab was busier than usual.

I've come to clear Leonard's good name.

Can't it wait until after kickball?

Kickball?! Ooh! I love kickball!

Hmm...but, no, it can't wait.

So, how do I intend to clear his name, you may ask?

It was gonna be a rhetorical question anyway.

Exhibit "A"-- a magnified spectrum-analysis print

showing none of Leonard's fingerprints

on any of the Valentine's Day cards,

proving without a shadow of a doubt

that he could not have written them

unless he did so with his feet.

Exhibit "B"-- a magnified spectrum-analysis print

showing none of Leonard's feet.

[gasps] Maybe he used his feet-- ever think of that?

You're one step behind us, Ian.

That doesn't prove anything. Maybe he wore gloves--

like those dudes in those really cool movies.

Yeah! Or like when my mom does dishes!

Or when the cafeteria lady scoops out mashed potatoes.

Okay, I see your point.

Oh! Oh! Maybe he had special polypropylene gloves

made just for feet!

Now you're two steps behind, Ian.

All right! Time for the hard evidence.

Allow me, then, to move on to exhibit "C."

Someone pick a card--

Bogus! There's a hidden compartment in his hat.

I know this trick.

It's a beanie!

You're now officially three steps behind

and not allowed to talk.

[hisses]

"Happy Valentine's Day.

I wish we were on an island, just you and I."

There it is-- proof that Leonard did not write this card.

Let me elucidate.

Would anyone care to comment

on the author's stunningly grammatical use

of the first-person plural subjunctive "I wish we were"?

Ha ha! Anybody at all?

[clears throat]

The use of the past-tense form "were,"

even though the action takes place in the present...

My point being, these cards were obviously written

by an "A" student.

Leonard, are you an "A" student?

No.

Am I an "A" student?

Yes!

Aha! Need I go on?

[gasps] So you are the one

who actually wrote all those cards

and gave them to Leonard?

Congratulations, Ian.

You're now back to being only one step behind.

And the gloves did cover up his fingerprints?!

What the heck-- let's call it even.

Sorry, Leonard. I knew it wasn't you.

I didn't believe it anyway.

Why'd you do it?

Why?

Because...

I love him.

That's right. I love Leonard.

He's my best friend, and I love him in the same way

that Tom Sawyer loved Huckleberry Finn

or Jim Bowie loved Davy Crockett.

They trusted each other with their lives.

They were best friends,

and you can bet that if they had some colored markers

and a pair of safety scissors at The Alamo,

they'd have made each other valentines, too.

And isn't that what St. Valentine was talking about

when he said... uh...

"Love...your fellow best friends"?

You went through all this trouble to clear Leonard's name,

even though he never would have found out?

You're cooler than ever!

I'm gonna give you my pink rhinestone charm bracelet.

And I'm gonna bake you a chocolate layer cake.

I changed my mind.

I'm gonna make you a chocolate layer cake.

You said "bracelet" first.

I can change my mind.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can!

If it makes you feel better,

dogs get sick eating chocolate cake.

[bell jingling, piano music playing]

The music's almost...

[yawns]

...as pretty as you.

If this music had a face, it would look like you.

So, you want to hear more?

[snoring]

You want more romantic stuff, you say?!

I can say more romantic stuff!

Look-- outside!

Hey, fleabag...

Asleep? Wake up!

[snoring continues]

Oops.

[gurgles]

Clumsy me.

[ringing]

How's about a birdbath?

Why, I never!

Don't leave! I didn't mean--

wait!

W-What-- what happened?

[shrieks] I'm wet!

She left!

Well, I'm not surprised.

With your sloppy table manners--

Yech! Birdseed!

You know nothing about us!

We had a connection!

You watch-- she'll be back...

Some sunny day.

Ew!

Oh! Playing hard to get, is that it?!

Sorry again for all the trouble I caused.

I know I apologized four times already...

Stop.

...but my heart was in the right place.

I forgive you. Chill.

It turned out to be a good Valentine's Day after all.

I mean, what you did was really dumb

and stupid and shortsighted and wrong...

I want to apologize for that.

But how many times do you get to see

how much those around you really love you?

You were right, it doesn't matter how many cards you get.

What's important is knowing that the ones you do get are heartfelt.

Those 15 you sent meant more

than if I would have got 100 anonymous ones.

Of course, I just wanted one from Leslie.

I didn't even get that.

What did you just say?

-I just wanted one from Leslie. -Before that.

-It doesn't matter how many-- -After that.

-Those 15 you sent-- -There.

You got 15 valentines?

I only sent you 14.

This one's not mine.

"You are the best."

Signed, "Your Secret Admirer."

It's from Leslie!

She has a blue pen. I saw it once.

Well, there's lots of blue pens in the world.

But it definitely could be from Leslie.

Do you think?

Definitely.