All language subtitles for Teachers.Pet.S02E14_English

♪ Born on the wrong end
Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪
-♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪
-♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash
For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes
His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone
For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪
-♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid
like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

[bow fires]

[Leonard] Ow.

Dear Leslie...

From your secret admirer.

Love, Leonard.

Uh, Leonard?

The rule is, secret valentines
are supposed to be... secret.

[laughs]

Perhaps if you sign it "Your
secret admirer... not Leonard,"

it'll throw her off.

This is hard.

The eternal Valentine dilemma--

plant clues in case
she likes you,

but keep them vague enough for
credible denial

in case she doesn't.

Such a slender tightrope
St. Valentine has strung.

Maybe I'll pretend to be
sick tomorrow.

What? And miss Valentine's Day at
school-- are you kidding?!

You and Tyler are gonna get
all the girls' cards anyway.

It's not a contest, Leonard.

It doesn't matter
how many you get.

How many does Tyler usually get?

You know, just out of curiosity.

I'd be happy just to get one--
from anybody.

Leonard Helperman
not getting any valentines?

Impossible!

You're popular.

Maybe not in the "I'm popular" sense,

but in the sense
that kids say,

"Gee, Leonard's not the most
popular, but we still like him."

Eh...ooh, here's a road
I wish I hadn't gone down.

Hello!

Future wife, 9:00.

I'm gonna write her
a Valentine!

You think she'll even
come back?

Oh, she'll come back.

I seen a lot of pigeons
in my time,

but you got the best set
of tail feath--

you can't write that.

Women like to be wooed.

Write this--

"Your eyes are pools
I could drown in."

Me, drown?

You fall into
the catnip again?

It's a metaphor.

You wouldn't literally
be drowning.

So, I should lie
to the woman?

That's your advice?

Ooh, I need a good place
to hide these.

Look at all the valentines.

Aren't you
the busy romantic?

They're all for Leonard.

Sending valentines to Lenny?

Easy, fella.
They're secret valentines.

He won't know they're all
from me.

It's unseemly
is all I'm sayin'.

I want to make sure Leonard
gets a lot of cards this year.

He's my master
and my best friend.

It's my job
to look out for him.

If he's ever gonna win the heart
of Leslie, he needs confidence.

And nothing builds confidence
like thinking you're popular.

You are so smart.

Spot Helperman, I wish
I was your master

so you could do things
like this for me.

Okay, now you're both
gettin' weird.

And... done.

"How's 'bout a birdbath?"

That's it?

Short and sweet.

She'll never write back
if you send this!

It's not romantic at all.

Romantic, schmomantic.

Babes like guys
who are honest.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to puff up my feathers

so she'll think
I have muscles.

[squeak]

[indistinct talking]

You look all waxed
and polished today, Ian.

Hey, how'd you know
it was earwax?

Uh... lucky guess.

I suppose I could tell you,

but you'd have to promise
to keep it a secret.

And if you tell, I will
send worms to your house

in the middle of the night
to eat your eyeballs out.

Uh-huh.

Maybe you shouldn't
tell me then,

just in case there's
some clerical mix-up.

I'm gonna ask Ruth to
go steady after school

and give her a heart.

It's a real one
from the butcher stop.

Do you think she'll like it?

[laughs]

Oh, she's one lucky girl.

Is she in school today?

She's over there.

Okay, maybe she's not
so lucky.

So, excited?

It's V-day-- the big "V."

"V" for victory.

Why would I be excited?

This could be the most
embarrassing day of my life.

What if I don't get a card
from anybody?

Leslie will
never like me then.

Who wants to like a guy
nobody else likes?

I should have stayed home.

Relax, you're gonna get
a bunch of cards.

In fact, all the girls are
stealing secret glances at you.

[whispering]

I don't see any.

Of course you don't.

That's why they're
called "secret."

Trust me-- today's the day
they've been waiting for--

when they can express
their true feelings.

And when Leslie sees
how popular you are,

she'll quickly
declare her love.

[bell rings]

Good morning, class.

Now, before we hand out
our secret valentines,

I thought it'd be a fun idea

to learn a little history
about St. Valentine first.

[all exclaim]

Which one of my supersmart
students can quickly tell us

who St. Valentine was?

[crickets chirping]

Well, we can't hand out
the cards until someone tries.

St. Valentine's day
derives from

the ancient Roman feast of
Lupercalia

and is associated with two Roman
martyrs, both named Valentine. Done!

Okey-dokey, go!

How many cards did you get,
Tyler?

12.

[Ian] Wow, 12!

That's a lot!

How many'd you get, Scott?

Only 10.

Congratulations, Tyler.

Not that it's a contest or
anything, but if it was,

it'd certainly take someone
a lot more popular than me

to beat 12.

Say, how many did you get,
Leonard?

13... 14... 15.

You got 15 cards?
No way!

Let me see those.

Leonard got more than Tyler!

So, what's your secret,
dude?

Yeah, dude, how do you
get girls to like you?

If I were to speculate,

it's the way Leonard carries
himself--

his cool demeanor,
the cut of his jib.

Cut of his jib.

Cool demeanor.

Gotta get a jib.

Hey, what about
stealing a girl's notebook

so she has to talk to you?

Gentlemen, Leonard's appeal

is not the result of silly,
calculated actions.

If you were to ask Chelsea or
Leslie or Younghee or--

did I mention Leslie?

They'd all say,
including Leslie,

that Leonard
has something special.

Maybe it's his shy innocence
or his boyish good looks.

Who's to say?

The point is, he's popular
because of who he is,

not simply what he does.

But the notebook thing
could work, right?

Where you going, Ian?

To give Ruth her gift.

Yeah, about that--

I don't think that gift
is such a good idea.

Shh! Here she comes.

Ahem. Here, Ruth.

I got a Valentine's present
for you.

Ian, you shouldn't have.

That's what I tried
to tell him.

This is so nice!

It is?

They're chocolates for
the sweetest person I know.

They all have bite marks.

Well, duh!

I had to taste them to know
which ones were which.

You know, my pet worms like
the coconut-filled the best.

Ew!

Ahh!!

You don't like candy?

I got another gift!

Wait!

We just counted.

There's no way you could have
gotten so many valentines.

You counted?

Look, this one has the same
handwriting as this one...

And this one.

You made these yourself.

Leonard sent valentines
to himself.

I didn't, I swear!

[all] Yeah, loser! You forger!
Oh, you're just wrong, man.

Leonard's telling the truth.

Well, look at
the bright side--

the worst part of the day's
probably behind you now.

[snoring]

Yahoo! Whoopee!

"Let's get together.

I've been looking to meet
a bird like you."

What's that I hear--
a cat apology?

"The other birds I usually meet
are lowlifes

who ask me to take
birdbaths with them."

Huh?

"But you're different.

When you said you drown in my
eyes, it was so romantic--"

hold your horses.
I didn't say--

you rewrote my letter.

Yeah.

I admit it was a risk,
but she did write back.

You can't rewrite a guy's
letter.

Yours would have insulted her.

Mine got her interested.

I was right,
you were wrong.

And if you're gonna have her
believe you're the refined,

romantic gentleman she
obviously expects you to be,

you need my help.

A dumb cat's gonna help me
with romance?

I'm laughing.

So, you know about corsages
and boutonnieres?

Boot-on-whats?

Etiquette calls
for the presentation

of a small collection
of flowers on the first date.

You mean a clump of daisies?

I knew to get that.

Actually, roses are
more appropriate,

but if daisies are the message
you want to send...

Maybe roses--
I haven't decided.

Uh-huh.

Then I assume you know

that different colors
send different messages.

It'd be a pity
to make the mistake

of presenting her
with white roses

since they have traditionally
come to symbolize sympathy.

I would also stay away from
the yellow and peach tones,

which are usually
sent in friendship.

There's always red,
of course,

but is the obvious choice
always the best choice?

I'm sure you won't
embarrass yourself.

Mnh-mnh-mnh.

All right, you can help.

First, you have to apologize.

You called me a dumb cat.

Apologize.

Sorry you're a dumb cat.

That's it.

I'm kiddin'! I'm kiddin'!

Okay, I'm sorry.

Very well.

First, we need to work
on your diction.

Oh, gimme a break.

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

It's not "gimme,"
it's "give me--" two words.

Give me a break,
you dumb cat.

[squeaking]

Psst.

Leonard...uh, about
those cards...

I sorta know who made 'em.

Who?

First you have to promise
not to get too mad at him--

or her.

You mean the person who made me
look like a dork

in front of the whole school,

who destroyed any chance I had
to get Leslie to like me?

[gulps]
Yeah. That person.

He-- or she-- was just trying
to do a nice thing.

Tell me who it is!

They'd never have done it

if they thought people
would find out.

I demand you tell me.

Heh heh heh heh.

You?!

Leonard, is there something
you want to say?

Not out loud.
Sorry.

How could you--
why would you--

do you think I'm so pitiful

that I needed someone to send me
fake cards?

I thought Leslie
would like you more

if she saw
how popular you were.

Fix it-- you hear me?

At lunchtime-- you tell
everybody at lunchtime.

Say no more.

And don't tell me
when I can say something

and when I can't.

Uh, it's just that
everyone's staring.

So, you see...
I did it.

Leonard knew nothing about it.

[indistinct talking]

Thank you.

I told you I'd set
everything straight.

Leonard, you are
such a loser.

First you send yourself
fake valentines.

Now you ask Scott to lie
to get you out of it?

He's not lying!

We saw you whispering in class.

You have it all wrong.

And you're the coolest.

Leonard didn't--
I'm the coolest?

You were willing to look like
a fool to help your friend.

I'm gonna make my peanut-butter
sandwich into a heart shape

and give it to you.

Oh. That's very kind, Chelsea,
and certainly original,

but if I could just clear
Leonard's name first--

I'm gonna make you
a Valentine, too,

out of paper napkins and my
silver-sparkle lip gloss.

I'm gonna use every color
in the 64-crayon box.

Don't worry.
I have a plan.

You had a plan.
That's how I ended up here.

[girls giggling]

Your feathers are soft like milk.

Not milk-- silk.

That makes no sense.

It's romantic.

Give me a break!

Ooh! Here she comes!

Remember-- only say
what I tell you.

Not the sharpest tool
in the shed, is she?

Looks like that hurt.
I should kiss it and make it--

ouch!

That hurt!

Do you want to ruin
everything?

Only say what I tell you
to say.

Start with, "you're
more beautiful up close

than I ever dreamed--"
quick, say it.

You're more beautiful
than I thought--

I mean, dreamed.

Well, aren't you sweet?
I'm Peppermint.

Pretty Boy Helperman
at your service.

Pretty boy Helperman
at your service!

Give her the flowers!
Give her the flowers!

Don't pick Leonard.

He'll probably choose himself anyway.

[all laugh]

We pick [laughs] the tree.

Sorry I'm late.

The FBI's crime lab
was busier than usual.

I've come to clear
Leonard's good name.

Can't it wait
until after kickball?

Kickball?!
Ooh! I love kickball!

Hmm...but, no,
it can't wait.

So, how do I intend to clear
his name, you may ask?

It was gonna be a rhetorical
question anyway.

Exhibit "A"-- a magnified
spectrum-analysis print

showing none of Leonard's
fingerprints

on any of
the Valentine's Day cards,

proving without a shadow
of a doubt

that he could not
have written them

unless he did so
with his feet.

Exhibit "B"-- a magnified
spectrum-analysis print

showing none
of Leonard's feet.

[gasps] Maybe he used
his feet-- ever think of that?

You're one step
behind us, Ian.

That doesn't prove anything.
Maybe he wore gloves--

like those dudes in
those really cool movies.

Yeah! Or like when my mom
does dishes!

Or when the cafeteria lady
scoops out mashed potatoes.

Okay, I see your point.

Oh! Oh! Maybe he had special
polypropylene gloves

made just for feet!

Now you're two steps
behind, Ian.

All right!
Time for the hard evidence.

Allow me, then, to move on to
exhibit "C."

Someone pick a card--

Bogus! There's a hidden
compartment in his hat.

I know this trick.

It's a beanie!

You're now officially three
steps behind

and not allowed to talk.

[hisses]

"Happy Valentine's Day.

I wish we were on an island,
just you and I."

There it is-- proof that
Leonard did not write this card.

Let me elucidate.

Would anyone care to comment

on the author's stunningly
grammatical use

of the first-person plural
subjunctive "I wish we were"?

Ha ha! Anybody at all?

[clears throat]

The use of the past-tense
form "were,"

even though the action
takes place in the present...

My point being, these cards
were obviously written

by an "A" student.

Leonard, are you
an "A" student?

No.

Am I an "A" student?

Yes!

Aha! Need I go on?

[gasps]
So you are the one

who actually wrote
all those cards

and gave them to Leonard?

Congratulations, Ian.

You're now back to being
only one step behind.

And the gloves did cover up
his fingerprints?!

What the heck--
let's call it even.

Sorry, Leonard.
I knew it wasn't you.

I didn't believe it anyway.

Why'd you do it?

Why?

Because...

I love him.

That's right.
I love Leonard.

He's my best friend,
and I love him in the same way

that Tom Sawyer loved
Huckleberry Finn

or Jim Bowie loved
Davy Crockett.

They trusted each other
with their lives.

They were best friends,

and you can bet that if they had
some colored markers

and a pair of safety scissors
at The Alamo,

they'd have made each other
valentines, too.

And isn't that what
St. Valentine was talking about

when he said... uh...

"Love...your fellow
best friends"?

You went through all this
trouble to clear Leonard's name,

even though he never would have
found out?

You're cooler than ever!

I'm gonna give you my pink
rhinestone charm bracelet.

And I'm gonna bake you
a chocolate layer cake.

I changed my mind.

I'm gonna make you
a chocolate layer cake.

You said "bracelet" first.

I can change my mind.

No, you can't.

Yes, I can!

If it makes you
feel better,

dogs get sick
eating chocolate cake.

[bell jingling, piano music playing]

The music's almost...

[yawns]

...as pretty as you.

If this music had a face,
it would look like you.

So, you want to hear
more?

[snoring]

You want more romantic stuff, you say?!

I can say more romantic stuff!

Look-- outside!

Hey, fleabag...

Asleep? Wake up!

[snoring continues]

Oops.

[gurgles]

Clumsy me.

[ringing]

How's about a birdbath?

Why, I never!

Don't leave!
I didn't mean--

wait!

W-What-- what happened?

[shrieks] I'm wet!

She left!

Well, I'm not surprised.

With your sloppy
table manners--

Yech! Birdseed!

You know nothing
about us!

We had a connection!

You watch--
she'll be back...

Some sunny day.

Ew!

Oh! Playing hard to get,
is that it?!

Sorry again for
all the trouble I caused.

I know I apologized four times already...

Stop.

...but my heart was in
the right place.

I forgive you. Chill.

It turned out to be a good
Valentine's Day after all.

I mean, what you did
was really dumb

and stupid and shortsighted
and wrong...

I want to apologize for that.

But how many times
do you get to see

how much those around you
really love you?

You were right, it doesn't matter
how many cards you get.

What's important is knowing that the ones
you do get are heartfelt.

Those 15 you sent
meant more

than if I would have got
100 anonymous ones.

Of course, I just wanted one
from Leslie.

I didn't even get that.

What did you just say?

-I just wanted one from Leslie.
-Before that.

-It doesn't matter how many--
-After that.

-Those 15 you sent--
-There.

You got 15 valentines?

I only sent you 14.

This one's not mine.

"You are the best."

Signed,
"Your Secret Admirer."

It's from Leslie!

She has a blue pen.
I saw it once.

Well, there's lots
of blue pens in the world.

But it definitely could be
from Leslie.

Do you think?

Definitely.