Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

[alarm clock rings]

[yawns]

[Mrs. Helperman] Rise and shine! Ha ha!

You two bunk buddies, get this room cleaned up.

Ohh!

Ung!

Nnng!

[thud]

[narrator on TV] The animals of the Serengeti Plains

are happy to have a place to cool off

on this hot summer day.

All is calm and serene.

That is, until the king of the big cats arrives.

No animal on the planet is more feared

than the male African lion.

I bet you didn't know we were cousins.

A 500-pound eating machine.

[Pretty Boy] That sounds about right.

A fierce predator.

Aaah!

And there, all similarity ends.

And a distant cousin of that cuddly tabby

in your living room.

See, Mr. Smarty Pants?

[whistles]

[yawns]

Careful, Leo, you might throw out your back.

You're the one who'd better be careful,

'cause I am just a slightly smaller version

of that killing machine on TV.

Unfortunately, years of domestication and pampering

have rendered today's house cat about as fierce as a butterfly.

Huh?

So dependent on human beings is the modern feline

that if it weren't for the fire department,

our trees would be filled with helpless kitties.

Oh, yeah, that's you all over.

Lies! Lies, all of it! Outrage!

It's slander is what it is! I'll sue, I'll tell you!

They'll rue the day they messed with Mr. J. Jolly Puddinpuss,

I'll tell you that right now.

First of all, would the king of the jungle hire an attorney

to gain rights to the watering hole?

And second of all, Mr. J. Jolly Puddinpuss?

Are you kidding me?!

It's a family name,

from the Louisiana Puddinpusses, if you must know.

But you're right about one thing--

the only way I'm gonna reclaim my catness

is to go out and take it.

Now you're talking!

From now on, you will call me Mr. Jolly.

That's what I always call you.

No more Mr. Nice guy for this pussycat!

Right on, baby!

Mr. J. is mad as heck and he's not gonna take it anymore!

I'm a big, bad cat,

and it's high time I started acting like one.

You go, girl! I mean, boy.

Right after I wake up from my little nappy-poo.

[snoring]

As predictable as the sunrise.

[indistinct conversations]

[honk]

Yo, Kareem, how's it going?

Pretty good.

I'm just working on my jump shots.

You might have better luck with that jump shot

if you actually worked a jump into it.

Oh, right.

Call me crazy,

but I'm thinking as long as you're jumping anyway,

why not take the shot while you're up in the air?

Hey, good idea.

I have just one word for you, Leonard-- soccer--

popular the world over

and totally not reliant on hand-eye coordination.

Think about it.

I guess I just wasn't meant to play the sport of kings.

That would be horse racing,

but you should stay away from that, too.

Hey, you kids wanna play a little deuce on deuce?

No, thanks. We were just leaving.

What my friend meant to say is,

"we were just leaving to try and find a game,"

but now a game has found us. We'd love to play.

We can't play them.

That's Max and Miles Torqueson,

the champs of the whole fifth grade.

Exactly, that's why we must play them.

Are you crazy?! Look at them!

They've gotta be, like, 5 feet tall!

And in case you didn't notice, I stink at basketball.

We'll be humiliated!

Yes, but if we beat them, we'll be glorified, lauded,

extolled, even!

Imagine, Leonard, you and me, kings of the playground!

[cheering, fanfare playing]

[booing]

I don't think so.

You are such a bring-down!

Look, Leonard, the reason you can't play basketball

isn't because you can't play basketball.

It's because you think too much about playing basketball.

What should I think about, bowling?

No, I think you should think about nothing.

Now, that's something I'm good at.

You missed my point like you missed that basket.

You should play the game without thinking about it.

Just let it happen. Let it flow.

Be the ball.

Huh?

Look, remember how we cleaned up the room this morning?

You didn't think about getting the toys in the closet.

They just went in, right?

Yeah, I guess.

All you have to do is pretend we're cleaning up the room.

The ball is a dirty shirt,

and the basket is the clothes hamper.

Go ahead, try it.

[East-Asian music plays]

Yes! All right! Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Let's get it on!

What my friend is trying to say is we're ready to play now.

Okay, winner's out, 21 wins, losers begin,

and that would be you.

That goes without saying.

Remember, no thinking.

Lucky basket.

Come on, Max! Guard the blue kid!

Yah! Get that garbage out of here!

You're...very tall.

The fearsome cat moves through the living room

like a silent menace tracking his unsuspecting quarry.

The unsuspecting rodent is no match for the cunning feline.

[chuckles]

Hey, fur ball, what's shaking?

Aaaah!

[crash]

[sighs]

The winner!

Beaten by a fake paper mouse!

My, oh, my, you are one pathetic pussycat.

That, my molting housemate, was a big mistake.

Oh, yeah? Why? You gonna do something?

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna do something.

But not now, 'cause that would be too easy.

I'm gonna show you just how bad this kitty can be.

One of these days, maybe today, maybe tomorrow,

maybe two weeks from next Thursday,

you're gonna turn a corner, and there I'll be.

11 pounds of--

well, okay, 19 pounds of fur and fury waiting to pounce.

Oh, I'm so scared.

Spread the word! The king of the beasts is back!

Aaaah!

[Whimpering]

Yes!

[growling]

Go, Scott!

Come on! Go!

Come on, man!

Great shot!

And that makes it 20 to 19.

Prepare to lose, dudes.

Yeah! All right!

[screeching]

[cheering]

Yes!

That makes it 20 to 20!

Now you can prepare to lose... dudes!

[cheering]

Fifth graders rule!

Yeah! Yeah!

Fifth graders rock!

[groaning]

Wow, we sure had to work hard to beat those fourth graders.

Dude, this is a hollow victory indeed.

Let's not tell Dad.

Right.

Wow, we almost beat 'em!

Who would have thought losing could feel this good?

I gotta admit, it's a new one on me.

You guys were totally awesome.

-Totally. -Awesome.

Hey, thanks, guys!

Oh, man, did you hear that?

Taylor, Tyler, and Trevor said we were awesome.

We were awesome, Leonard, and by the by,

that's exactly why I don't want you feeling bad

about that last pass.

Well, by the by, I don't feel bad about the last pass

'cause it was perfect.

[chuckles] Not to overstate the obvious,

but if the pass had been perfect,

we would now be the 2-on-2 champions

of the fourth and fifth grades, don't you think?

Actually, what I think

is that if the person who was supposed to catch the pass

was where he was supposed to be, we would now be

the 2-on-2 champions of the fourth and fifth grades.

[all] Ooh.

Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, sad little Leonard--

so young and yet so very, very wrong.

I'm sure you think the pass was perfect,

but I'm sorry to say you're sadly mistaken.

I don't think the pass was perfect.

It was perfect.

-Was not. -Was too!

And if you weren't being

Mr. Hot-dog showboat fancy pants,

it wouldn't have been picked off.

[all] Oooh!

Oh, really, Mr. "I can't hit the broad side of a barn

unless I'm in a hypnotic state"!

Well, for your information,

not only was that last pass off the mark,

but it's a miracle I was able to catch

any of your lame-o passes!

[all] Ooh.

You take that back!

I can't take back the truth!

You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the nose!

Fight!

Yeah, fight him!

You're not gonna take that, are you?!

What? Fight?

We're not gonna fight.

Yeah, it's just a stupid basketball game.

Chicken!

Yeah, chicken!

[clucking]

I'm not chicken!

Neither am I.

-Prove it! -Prove it!

-Yeah, prove it! -Yeah!

You heard them-- prove it!

If you're not chicken, then step over this line.

Oh, no, if you're not chicken, then you step over this line.

[children chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight!

[barks]

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

[gasps] Teacher's coming!

Children, children, what is going on here?

Oh, hi, Mrs. H.

Leonard and I were just demonstrating to the class

the ancient art of Japanese Kabuki.

Well, isn't that wonderful--

you and my little Lenny-poo using your free time so wisely.

Ha ha ha! But I'm afraid recess is over.

Come on everyone! Back to class!

[groaning]

[chanting] After school.

After school.

Oh, gee, um, after school is not good for me.

I'm starting piano lessons.

Yeah, me either.

I'm bidding on a thing with a motor on the, uh, Internet.

[chanting] To-morr-ow. To-morr-ow.

Oh, darn it, tomorrow doesn't really work for me either.

Hey, either you two fight tomorrow after school

or you're both big chickens.

Well, we wouldn't want that, would we?

Tomorrow it is, then.

Yes, sir, tomorrow it is.

[snoring]

[whimpers]

Aaah!

Mmm... mmm...

Hmm?

What the heck is that darn cat up to?

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Oh, Mr. Jolly? Where are you?

Aaaah!

Get ahold of yourself, man.

This is Mr. Jolly we're talking about.

He's the same fat, lazy cat he's always been.

You are way too cagey for that kitty.

Hi, there.

[Squeak]

Okay, ha ha, very good. You got me.

We're even now,

so let's have everything go back to the way it was.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I was just saying hello.

Now, cut that out! You gotta get it over with!

I can't take the suspense.

Talk to the paw.

Oh, you are so mature!

[mockingly] "Oh, you are so mature!"

All right, what's the matter? Come on, talk to Pretty Boy.

There was, um, uh, an incident at school.

It was all his fault!

What kind of an incident?

We sort of have to fight each other, and it was all his fault.

Oh, my goodness, this is terrible!

How did this happen?

We got in a stupid argument.

It was all my fault. I'm sorry, Leonard.

No, it wasn't. It was my fault.

No, it was mine. That pass was perfect.

I knew it!

Anyway, we let ourselves get talked into fighting each other

by a bloodthirsty mob.

I got a bag of birdseed riding on the pooch.

Throw in a new catnip mousey, and you're on!

No! What am I saying?

I'm appalled you would even suggest such a thing.

Nothing good can come of this.

Spot and Leonard, you have to find a way to not fight.

Mr. Jolly's right. We can't fight each other.

I know, but what can we do?

Here's a suggestion--

put on dresses and start calling yourselves Shirley and Denise.

I've never seen a bigger bunch of wimps!

Maybe one of us could move to another town.

Or we could be absent on alternating days

-for the rest of the year. -I like it!

That's all I can stand. I need to get a dose of macho.

Oh, that's more like it!

The Universal Wrestling Association,

where men are men and so are women.

Oh, look, Akbar the Mangler versus The Beauty.

The Mangler thinks he can come in here and take my title,

but he is so very, very wrong!

Because I'm a beautiful man, and my beauty represents truth!

And the likes of Akbar the Mangler

will never be able to stand in the radiant light

of my beautiful truth!

[clang]

Oh, yeah, there's your radiant light of truth,

you long-haired freak.

You see? This is how real men settle their differences.

Oh, please, professional wrestling is so fake

you couldn't sell it in Times Square.

The Bolshoi Ballet doesn't rehearse as much as those guys.

Hey, that gives me an idea!

We could fake a fight, just like those guys!

That's a great idea!

But not like those guys. It's too dangerous.

Hundreds of kids are seriously injured every year

trying to imitate professional wrestlers.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

But that doesn't mean we can't fake a fight

in the style of the ancient martial art Shweng Lo.

Shweng Lo? What's that?

-Shweng lo, sweet, cheery cat. -[Swing low, Sweet chariot plays]

It's something I just made up.

Hooray! Scott and Leonard aren't gonna fight!

Ah ha ha ha!

[both] ♪ We're not gonna fight ♪

♪ We're not gonna fight ♪

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Ready, Leonard?

Here I come!

Ohh!

[zipper unzips]

We need more fake blood on your face.

-Wait! Wait! -Wait! Wait!

Well, Leonard, I think we're ready.

I hope so.

If anyone figures out we're faking,

we'll both have to move to another town.

You guys are gonna do great. I just know it.

So, uh, Mr. Jolly,

can I assume that everything's back to normal between us?

That is to say, we're okay, you and me, right?

Talk to the paw.

[chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight!

Prepare to be destroyed, Leonard, for unbeknownst to you,

I, Scott Leadready II, am a ninth-degree master

of the ancient and deadly martial art of--

[yowling]

Shwen-g-g lo!

[all] Shweng lo!

Then you, too, should prepare to be destroyed,

for I, Leonard Helperman I,

am also a master of the ancient and deadly art of Shweng lo,

level 9.1

[gasps] Level 9.1!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight!

Aah!

Ooh!

Come on! Fight him!

The Shweng lo is strong within you,

but is it strong enough to handle this?

Pbht!

Oh, you're good.

You're very good.

And so it begins.

[all gasp]

And now prepare to meet your doom!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Must... get up!

Can't move!

Legs... won't work!

[crack]

Ow!

That's not in the script.

Oh, Charlie horse!

Oh, my god! Leonard!

[chanting] Finish him off!

Finish him off!

Quiet! Can't you see he's hurt?

Don't worry, Leonard, it'll go away in a minute.

You're probably just dehydrated from all the rehearsing.

Rehearsing?

Hey, what's going on?

This fight's a fake!

[chanting] Fake! Fake! Fake!

All right! Yes, we were faking!

The whole thing was a charade, a ruse, a sham!

I knew they were too chicken to fight.

What a bunch of losers.

[jeering]

You guys are so not cool!

Oh, no.

Wait!

Losers? Chickens?

Fakers? Not cool?

Talk about the pot calling the kettle a cooking utensil.

Let me tell you people something.

Yes, we're fakers.

We faked this whole fight, and rather brilliantly, I must say.

Leonard, your performance was magical.

Gee, really? I, uh--

And, yes, we were cowards, but that's not why we were cowards.

We were cowards because we were afraid not to fight.

We were more afraid of being called chicken

than we were of hurting ourselves and each other,

and for that reason, yes, we are losers, too,

but I swear an oath that from this day forward--

say it with me, people!

I will not fight, and I will not be afraid to not fight.

[all] I will not fight, and I will not be afraid to not fight.

Louder! Everyone!

I will not fight, and I will not be afraid to not fight!

That's it!

Because fighting is stupid!

[all] That's it! Because fighting is stupid!

[chanting] Fighting is stupid!

Hello?

Remember me, the kid with the Charlie horse?

[snoring]

I've had enough of this. I'm sorry I mocked you.

There's nothing I can do to take it back, so instead,

I'm gonna lend my manly expertise

and help you reclaim your catness. What do ya say?

Hmm?

No, thank you.

No, thank you? What, are you giving up?

Are you a wimp and a quitter?

The longest journey begins with a single step!

Okay, that's a pretty good first step.