Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ It's so weird ♪ ♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

I bet you're wondering

why I'm sporting this mysterious, enigmatic smile

not unlike the one worn by "Mona Lisa,"

Leonardo da Vinci's haunting Italian masterpiece.

Yeah, that's exactly what I was wondering.

Here's a hint.

Tomorrow a certain someone I know and love,

and I'm not gonna mention any names,

Leonard...

But that someone, Leonard,

is celebrating a special day, Leonard,

that only happens once a year,

and no, it's not Cinco de Mayo.

Oh, yeah, my birthday.

[mockingly] "Oh, yeah, my birthday."

Did I just step through a portal into an alternate universe

where they don't consider a birthday

the greatest, most super-unbelievably special day

of all super days worthy of a huge party?

Actually, I get sort of nervous around parties.

I'm just gonna do what I always do--

stay home.

Ha ha ho!

You got me!

Oh-ho, boy! That was a good one!

"No party," he says.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm serious.

Ha ha--

Leonard, listen to me.

You're turning 10.

10! The big 1-0! Mr. Decade.

You've won the first battle.

Leonard Helperman, victor over all single numbers--

okay, not a great appellation, but it's something.

You got to have a party!

No, I already decided.

I just want a quiet day at home.

Hmm. I understand.

A quiet day-- stay home--

actually, it's a good plan... If you're 80!

You're a kid!

Kids celebrate birthdays!

Hats, cake, sad ponies led around by shellshocked clowns.

But I don't want one.

How can you possibly know what you want, Leonard?

You're only 9!

Call it tough love, my biped friend,

but there's no way I'm letting you turn 10 without a party.

Leonard's birthday in space!

[bell rings]

Class dismissed.

[yawns]

Rumor around campus is tomorrow is Leonard's tenth.

Oh, yes.

We're gonna have a very nice day.

A rented video and his favorite meal,

fried baloney and rice.

Actually, I was thinking a party, huh?

I know he secretly wants one.

You being his best friend,

you might know better what he secretly wants.

You have my permission

to put together a big special surprise party

at our house tomorrow afternoon.

Great!

Yeah, I'm still here.

The best you can do, huh?

Mr. Moonbounce and Rocket Jumpers

both quoted me a lower price.

Plus, they're throwing in a balloon arch in three colors.

What's that? Four colors you say?

Ooh, that's a lot of balloons. I'll get back to you.

Now, let's look up Mr. Moonbounce

and Rocket Jumpers and give them a call.

Oh, spot, you're so crafty!

I wouldn't want to sit across the bargaining table from you.

Who do you think taught him to work the system?

Speaking of which, you blew that last call, mutt boy.

You could have got him to throw in a slippy-slide.

[door opens, closes]

Oh, hey, guys. You seen my football?

Here's the football

and your helmet, pads, Jersey, cleats, mouthpiece, chin strap.

Take the basketball, too, in case you get sick of football.

It happened to Europe. Now go!

Play till bedtime. Ha ha ha ha! You need your exercise.

Oh, dear. I hope Leonard didn't get suspicious.

I don't know if I can keep a secret from him.

I get so nervous.

I'll teach you a trick.

Whenever you start to get nervous over compensate by forcing yourself to act cool

Act cool? I can do that.

How are you doin', baby? What's the haps?

Slap me some feather.

Forget I said anything.

He's coming over!

Okay, showtime!

Remember, if you get nervous, act cool-- except you.

Aah!

Hey, Leonard...

Looks like your hoops practice is paying off.

Don't you think, pretty boy?

What's wrong with him?

Uh, he's taking a nap with his eyes open

like in the marines.

I'm sure happy I'm not having a party.

Now I can go to the park tomorrow and practice even more.

As long as we're talking about birthdays,

you know, in the abstract,

I still think you should have had one.

They're such an all-American tradition,

the celebration of the fact you came into the world.

Do you not agree?

I guess it would be nice to be celebrated,

but think of all the things that could go wrong.

Suppose no one shows up.

Or suppose you invite only the cool people

and one of the invitations gets lost in the mail.

And now that person thinks you don't think they're cool.

So they take you off their list of cool people.

And what if you're playing pin the tail on the donkey

and stick someone with the pin?

What if you slobber when you blow out the candles

and then no one wants to eat the cake except Ian?

Or if you have to break the piñata,

but it's really, really hard to break.

And everybody gets annoyed 'cause they want candy,

but there is none because I stink at baseball?

The kid's got a point.

That's why I'm happy I'm not having one.

A party would be the worst thing in the whole wide world.

Yeah, well, sure.

All that stuff could happen.

Of course, what if all those things weren't your fault?

I mean, to cite a totally hypothetical situation,

suppose somebody else sent out the invitations.

Nobody could blame you for not thinking they're a cool person.

Right?

No! No!

No, no!

You are throwing me a surprise party, aren't you?

No, no, no, no, no.

Yes!

I'm a canary. What can I say?

How can you throw me a surprise party?

Who told you I wanted one?

Look, Leonard, it's not gonna be so bad.

It's gonna be worse.

It's bad enough I have to have a party,

but now I know about it, and I still have to act surprised.

I'm the stinkiest actor in the world!

This is gonna be the worst birthday ever.

All Leonard needs is a good acting coach.

[clears throat] I volunteer.

Puh-lease!

What's a hairball machine like you know about acting?

Excuse me.

I happen to have been in a few productions in my youth.

[snoring]

[indistinct conversation]

[piano plays]

Excellent party.

You must come to New Delhi next week

to handle the arrangements for young Raja's tenth birthday.

[laughing] Oh, thank you, but I can't.

I only did this for my friend Leonard.

Oh!

Ugh!

Ah, here he comes now.

[all] Surprise!

[all gasp]

[all] Birthday faker!

Faker! Birthday faker!

Wait! Don't go!

We're having cake!

No, thanks.

The boy would probably spit on it.

Aah!

Oh, I can't do that to my friend.

The party's off! We got to call everyone and cancel!

Where's the list of phone numbers?

Oops.

Here's a four.

Okay, let me set the scene.

It's noon. It's hot.

You feel a bead of salty perspiration run down your face.

The pungent smell of freshly cut grass

is mixed with night-blooming Jasmine.

You reach the door. The handle is cold. It's hard.

What lies beyond?

You slowly open the door.

Surprise!

No, that was anguish.

I want surprise. Do it again.

That was fear. Again.

Contempt-- again.

No, again.

No, again.

Worse.

It's no use.

I'm a failure as a director.

I can do it. Just give me one more chance.

You reach the door. The handle is cold, hard.

What lies beyond?

You slowly open the door.

Surprise!

That was it! Again!

By jove! I think he's got it.

This is gonna be the greatest birthday ever!

You guys, he can do it!

Leonard can fake surprise! Show 'em!

Mmm. That's great, Leonard.

Maybe you can use it on your 11th birthday.

What about my 10th?

What about today?

Sorry, bunky, you seemed so nervous.

So I figured the best present I could give you

would be to cancel it.

Oh, I guess that makes sense.

It is what you wanted.

It was hard to get in touch with everybody so last minute,

but Pretty Boy and I found their phone numbers.

We're gonna have fun though, right?

Oh-ho! A nice day with videos, some fried luncheon meat.

Mmm, boy! Come on!

I've got the VCR ready to go!

Happy birthday to me.

[all] Surprise!

[all] He didn't know. That was real.

I thought you said--

I wanted it to be a real surprise.

A slippy-slidey!

There must be six different color balloons there.

You're very close.

[all cheer]

[all cheer]

Aha ha! Time to blow out the candles.

[laughter]

♪ The sun shines bright In the old Kentucky home ♪

♪ 'Tis summer ♪

♪ The people are gay all day ♪

♪ The corn top's ripe and the Meadow's in bloom... ♪

Ooh, got my tail in it.

That's good. [yawns]

[snoring]

♪ Sing all the day ♪♪

♪ Ten tablespoons unsalted butter ♪

♪ Quarter-cup of sugar And a teaspoon of salt ♪

♪ Lightly knead Until well-blended ♪

♪ If it goes too dry To hold together ♪

♪ Sprinkle on a few drops of water ♪

♪ Adding just enough To bond the morsels ♪

♪ While being careful Not to overmoisten ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Mama's little Leonard loves Shortenin' shortenin' ♪

Mom, do you have to sing the whole recipe

every time you make cookies?

Oh, was I singing? [laughs]

Well, I guess I'm just in a hip-hop-happy Saturday moo--

what the--

how the--

who the--

well, then where in the--

Eek! A mouse!

Gee, I thought they only said that in cartoons.

You'd be surprised how many cartoons are based on real life.

Could you two dial it down a titch?

Some of us need our beauty rest.

[snores]

Pawnbrokers, pedicurists, personal chefs--

ah-- pest control-- "Bye-Bye-Mouse-Begone."

Hmm.

"Insta-quick immediate same-day rapid service in a flash."

Oh, great. I'm on hold.

Mom, what do you need to call them for?

Mr. Jolly can catch the mouse.

Our Mr. Jolly?

[laughs]

Leonard, honey, your dog will be quoting Shakespeare

before that cat ever catches a mouse.

"Ah, what fools these mortals be."

He can so catch a mouse. That's what cats do.

Aw, Lenny, Mr. Jolly's not a real cat.

He's just an ooshy, squishy, lovety old blob of fur.

[laughs]

Yes, I'll continue to hold.

My wait time is approximately five minutes.

I bet you this batch of cookies

that Mr. Jolly can catch that mouse before you get off hold.

Well, all righty.

Mr. Jolly's got exactly five minutes to catch that mouse.

You might want to wake him up and let him know.

[snoring]

Hmm!

R-r-eow!

Mmm.

R-Reow!

[Leonard] Jolly, wake up!

Is the house on fire?!

Save my baby pictures! Everything else can be replaced!

There's a mouse in the house!

Eek! Mouse?!

He watches cartoons all the time.

Don't just stand there!

Call those guys in the white jumpsuits that take it away!

This is your job. You're the cat.

Leonard, where have you been? I'm not a real cat.

I'm just an ooshy, squishy, lovety old blob of fur.

Well, that's what my mom said.

I know. That's where I got it.

You don't think I really talk that way? Gracious.

But I bet her a whole batch of cookies

that you are a real cat,

and now you've got exactly 4 1/2 minutes to prove it.

Cookies, you say?

Why, I'd better get going right away.

[panting] Got to catch a mouse.

Got to catch a mouse. Got to catch a mouse.

[all chanting] Go, Jolly. Go, Jolly. Go, Jolly.

Go, Jolly. Go, Jolly. Go, Jolly.

Go, Jolly. Go, Jolly. Go, Jolly.

[gasping]

I haven't the faintest idea what I'm doing.

Don't sweat it.

You still got 3 minutes and 59 seconds left to find out.

58... 57... 56... 55--

Stop it! Stop it! You're driving me crazy!

Is this as much fun for everyone else as it is for me?

You can do this, Jolly.

You just got to get in touch with your cat instincts

and follow 'em.

All right, all right, Mr. Bossy.

I smell something.

[sniffs] I'm on the trail.

Watch out! Get out of my way!

[growls]

[hisses, sniffs]

You smell the mouse?

[sniffs]

No, I smell the cookies.

Mmm... Mama Helperman one fine cook.

[squeaking]

There she goes!

Who you stalking, huh, Mr. Pussycat?

You think you can catch

Margarita Sylvita Lupita Evita Ratocita?

Ha! I laugh in your fat, furry face

and swish my tail twice in the region.

Ooh, El gato peligroso!

I am so scared!

I'll show you, missy.

Boo-ya-a-a-a!

Did I get her?

No, but you did manage to blow another minute and five seconds.

Curses.

Where could that rascally she-rodent have gone?

And no joke-- you're so slow.

What do you know? Me gotta go!

[groans]

Oh, come on. Who would have thought of looking there?

Pbht!

All right, lady. Now it's personal.

Hasta la vista, baby!

Fine. That's it. Game over.

I'll never fit in there.

No! You can do it, Jolly!

Use your vibrissa!

I most certainly will not.

There are children present.

Vibrissa are your whiskers.

You know, cats' whiskers always grow

to the exact width of their bodies,

thereby providing them with an early warning system

so they never go into any spaces in which they might get stuck.

How fascinating!

How come our ears have those little notches at the bottom?

Tick, tick, tick, tick. You got a minute and change left.

I'm going in.

Whiskers, don't fail me now.

I'm in! I see her!

I could just about get her!

[Samba music plays]

[Mr. Jolly grunts]

I missed her!

She's sambaing away.

[music continues]

Okay, I think we may have to call in

the emergency rescue team.

It's okay. We got you covered, pal.

[spits]

On "three."

One... two...

Well, the good news is, in less than a minute,

this humiliation will all be over.

At least the chasing-the-mouse part will be over.

The part where I never let you live it down will go on and on

for as long as it cracks me up.

I will not be the butt of your jokes!

I will not be made a fool of by a mouse!

I am cat, hear me roar!

R-r-r-r-r-eow!

[motor roaring]

[glass breaking]

[bell dings]

And that's the ballgame, folks.

Oh...[sobs]

Are you okay, Mr. Jolly?

I've failed you, Leonard.

I wanted to be a cat for you, kid, but, oh, look at me.

[sighs]

I couldn't even catch a mouse.

I'm no good to nobody for nothin'!

[all] Aw!

Pobrecito fur blob.

[sniffles]

What do you want?

Jeez.

You're the most pathetic kitty I ever met.

Don't hurt me! They made me do it!

Aw, just shut up and open your mouth!

Actually, that would be technically imposs--

there.

Oh!

Well, Leonard, hmm, five minutes is up.

I'm finally off hold,

and the Bye-Bye-Mouse-Begone people are all set to--

[fanfare plays]

Mr. Jolly! Look at you!

[laughs]

Oh, I'm afraid we won't be needing your services after all.

We have a cat! [laughs]

-Yay! All right! -Go, Mr. Jolly!

And now I'm gonna make my mouser

a nice, big bowl of salmon-and-liver treats.

[crickets chirping]

Mm-mmm!

Mr. Jolly, I've been thinking.

It was wrong of me to try and make you be

what I thought a cat ought to be

instead of what you really are.

I'm sorry.

You know, I'm not.

Sometimes it takes the humiliation

and utter degradation of trying to be what you aren't

in order to appreciate what you really are.

I may be an old fur blob, Leonard,

but, by golly, I'm a fantastic old fur blob,

don't you think?

It's your world, baby. I'm just living in it.