Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

[Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony" plays]

What's your rush? It's just another school day.

Just another school day?!

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, you might as well say

that Aristotle was just another Greek guy

or say that Abe Lincoln was just another president

or say that Newton's Theory Of Gravitational Attraction

was just another good idea.

Aw, forget it.

I'm not even awake yet.

But you soon will be.

A hearty breakfast is the best way

to jump-start a scholar's mind.

Let's see what Mrs. H. Has cooked up.

Something's not quite right here,

but I can't put my finger on it.

Does it have anything to do with the fact

that there's no juice of any kind--

fresh, frozen, or otherwise?

Uh, maybe.

Or that there's no cereal in your cereal bowl

or food in my dish?

Getting warmer.

[British accent] By jove, I think I've got it!

The toaster is cold, the brewed coffee untouched,

and the door is locked from the inside.

That can mean only one thing.

That mom is not in this room!

I was going for the more complex deduction

that Mrs. H. Is still in bed,

but we can work with your more elementary conclusion.

[gasps]

[gasps]

Mom, are you all right?

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I'm getting up so I can do all the mom things

I do for you every morning--

pour your milk, make the toast,

fold your napkin into a little hat.

Ha ha! Ah-choo!

Okay, okay, I give.

I have a bad case of the snufflies.

I can't go to school today, but don't worry.

Spotty will stay by my side and make me all better.

He's my trusty medicine pet.

You mean you're not gonna teach today?!

I-I mean, you mean you're not gonna teach today?

Oh, I'm sorry, Lenny petty,

[coughs] But all I can offer my students today

would be a nasty, wasty sinus full of germs.

I'm gonna call for a substitute.

[door closes]

[gasps] A substitute!

Yeah! Isn't that great?!

A stranger sitting in Mrs. Helperman's desk?

Writing on Mrs. Helperman's blackboard?

Pawing her lesson plan?

I don't like the sound of this.

Lighten up spot, having a sub is fun.

You'll see. [Mrs. Helperman] Ah-choo!

I'm afraid that's one alleged good time

I will have to miss.

As Mrs. H's duly appointed medicine pet,

My duty is to stay by her side

and nurse her back to health.

And miss a day of school?

Won't that mess with your perfect attendance award?

[gasps] How could I forget?!

The perfect attendance award--

the holy grail of punctuality.

Winning that award can have lifelong ramifications.

All righty-roosky ah-choosky.

The substitute teacher's been called.

Now I'll take a little nappy poo.

This is dreadful! I can't miss school.

But I'm the only one who can possibly cure Mrs. H.--

her one and only medicine pet.

Yeah, tough call.

Well, I'm off to school.

I'll either see you or I won't.

You're not the only healer around here.

I'm a fully qualified medicine pet myself.

Ha ha. With all due respect to the feline species, Jolly,

you couldn't possibly take my place.

I'll just have to stay here, forsake the award,

endeavor somehow to recover

from the indelible stain on my record,

and try to cobble together a productive life.

[man] What a shame.

If he'd just found a way

to get that perfect attendance award...

Okay, you do it.

Just make sure you keep her warm.

Of course.

Lick her hands to make her feel better.

That goes without saying.

Drape yourself over her feet if her toes get cold.

You don't need to tell me all this.

I've only done this about a zillion times,

give or take, not to exaggerate.

Very well.

I hereby pass the mantle of medicine pet to you.

This offer good for today only.

[whistling]

Hey! You did figure out a way to come to school today.

That's right, Leonard.

Like Mrs. H., I simply found a substitute.

My, you certainly have a spring in your step today.

That's because today I won't be the teacher's son.

I can finally be myself

and completely blend into the background.

Maybe I won't be called on to answer any questions at all.

Ah. Ambition, thy name is Leonard.

Hey, wait for me!

Look what my snake tried to eat!

Maybe later. We're in a hurry.

We got a substitute teacher today.

A substitute? Oh, yes!

We got a substitute! We got a substitute!

Can you say pranks? Come on, say it with me.

Pranks?

What do pranks have to do with it?

It's the best part of having a substitute.

Since we'll never see them again,

we spend the day pulling pranks instead of learning.

Isn't that awesome? I got to tell everyone.

Hey, everybody, we're having a substitute!!

And look what my snake tried to eat!

Pranks, eh?

Hmm. I am mightily intrigued.

But now that I've gotten over

my instinctive canine fear of strangers,

I'm even more intrigued to meet this new teacher

and bathe in the fount of her knowledge.

She's just a substitute.

Nonsense. I'm sure only the most qualified educators

would be accepted at Fala D. Roosevelt Elementary.

Good morning, fourth graders.

My name is Miss Deweygood,

and this is a special day for me because--

Well, this is my very first day as a substitute teacher.

A first-timer?

Oh, thank you!

[sniffing, growling]

Scott, you're growling...

Out loud.

[growling]

Ha ha! That's just his stomach growling.

It's almost lunchtime.

What are you doing?

I can't help it.

I want to be respectful,

but my D-O-G nature makes it very difficult

to watch a stranger invade my owner's territory.

You know how I am when the phone repairman comes around.

Cut it out or you're gonna blow your cover.

You're right. Spot may be a dog,

but Scott Leadready II is a model student.

Okay, class, let's start by turning to chapter four

in your science books.

Ugh! Good morning, Miss Deweygood!

Let me introduce myself.

I'm Scott Leadready II,

and although I look forward to bathing

in the fount of your knowledge today,

may I point out that's not how Mrs. Helperman starts the day.

She greets us warmly and entertains us

with her humorous, rhyming speech patterns.

Oh. Well, all right.

A-All righty, flighty... blighty students.

Let's see what Mrs. Helperman has

in her handy, dandy lesson plan-dy for today.

Ha ha ha!

[laughter]

Oh, no. It's like she's trying to be Mrs. H.,

and I can't tell if it's satire or homage.

Yeah, let's prank her!

[whispering]

Okay, hearty, uh, smarty scholars,

time for vocabulary charades!

[Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony" plays]

Aah!

[laughter]

See, they're just pranks, totally harmless.

It's just what fourth graders do to substitutes.

Oh, my, I see the attraction.

That was fun and funny. [laughs]

And thanks to the musical tribute

to German composer Ludwig Van Beethoven,

vaguely educational.

However, this "pranking" also shows an unscholarly disrespect

for the sacred institution of teacherdom.

Fellow students,

the groves of academe are no place for peevish pranks.

This trained educator demands our respect.

[all] Boo!

Thank you for your kind words, uh, Todd,

but please return to your seat.

Todd? Do I look like a Todd?

Ohh!

I don't feel so good.

Oh, dear.

I don't like the sound of that.

Now would be the perfect time for her to have a medicine pet.

News flash-- you are the medicine pet!

Oh! Blast this undersized kitty brain of mine.

I keep forgetting. What to do, what to do.

Spot said to lick her hand, remember?

She likes that.

Ooh, right.

Ohh!

Rough sandpaper tongue.

Oh, no! She doesn't like my tongue!

Oh, dear, oh, me, I'm out of my element.

I'm out of my league. I'm-- I'm...

Out of your gourd,

but that's a whole nother story.

Who has the answer to--

I do! I do!

I'm sorry, Todd, but you have to wait to be called on.

Who's figured out the extra bonus-point puzzler?

How about you, Leonard?

Uh, 76?

Very good, Leonard! That's correct.

-It is? -I knew that.

All right, class, who can answer question 5?

Now we're really gonna see a prank.

Excuse me, Miss Deweygood.

May I borrow a pencil?

Why, of course. Anything for a student who wants to learn.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

[laughter]

Aah! Aah!

[laughs] That was awesome!

No. that was the fifth-grade biology project.

Well, maybe we should use this

as our math puzzler wuzzler.

Ha ha ha!

If there were 38 frogs in my drawer and there are 2 left,

how many jumped out?

[laughter]

Why, 36, class. 36.

Is that counting the one on your shoulder?

[croaks]

Aah!

[laughter, Spot howling]

Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Now what?!

Drape yourself across her legs.

I've seen Spot do it a thousand times. She loves that.

Are you sure? It doesn't sound very medicinal.

Medicinal, schmedicinal.

Every time Spot does it, she falls asleep.

Well... okay.

Ah-choo!

Ow!

Of course Spot keeps his claws manicured--

you know, for gym class.

Excellent, Leonard!

Good for you for taking it upon yourself to draw a map of Africa.

That's worth 5 extra-credit points.

Thanks, Miss Deweygood.

Who knows the--

I do! I do!

The largest city in Morocco is Casablanca,

immortalized in the classic 1942 film of the same name.

Humphrey Bogart played Rick, the--

Mr. Leadbelly!

I will not have this class disrupted by showoff-y, braggy waggies.

Now, for the last time, please sit down.

I was going to ask

who knows the name of Zambia's neighbor to the east.

How about you, Leonard?

That would be Malawi, whose dominant geographic feature

is the Great Rift Valley.

Its capital is Lilongwe.

Ah! Excellent!

And how do you happen to know that, pray tell.

Maybe I've been hanging around you so long this stuff sunk in by osmosis.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I suppose the word "osmosis"

happened to sink in by osmosis as well.

Maybe.

What happened to Leonard "blend into the background" Helperman?

I don't know.

Without mom here I'm not afraid to answer questions.

Very impressive, young Helperman,

but you're no Scott Leadready!

Now, here is a very diligent student.

What?!

Does she imply that I, Scott Leadready II,

am not a diligent student?

How can she say such a thing?!

She cuts to the very quick of my I-ness, my me-ness,

my very identity.

But, Miss Deweygood, I knew the answer

and a thousand other facts about Malawi besides.

Don't be a sore loser doser, Todd.

There's more to being a good student than spouting facts.

A good student listens and lets others contribute.

Psst! Ian! What's the next prank?

I'll take this one.

Scott's gonna pull a prank.

Oh, rad. This is gonna be the best!

I can't wait!

You're gonna pull a prank?

She leaves me no choice.

This pretender to Mrs. Helperman's desk chair

wouldn't know a true scholar if he bit her on the ankle.

If she refuses to acknowledge me for what I am,

I will make my mark elsehow.

Oh, Ian.

May I borrow a little something of yours?

[laughs]

[panting]

Would you stop with the panting?

You sound like my Uncle Saul in the public birdbaths.

You want to wake the poor woman?!

Shh-shh-shh! I'm trying to soothe her.

[coughing]

Oh, nothing's working,

and I'm doing everything just like Spot would.

Maybe that's your problem.

Who wants to be like that textbook-toting mutt?

Of course! That's it.

That's why Mrs. Helperman's not getting well.

I can't be anyone but myself.

I have to trust my own instincts.

After all, as any cat will tell you,

animals of the feline persuasion are natural-born healers.

Get out of here!

No, really.

A silly dog will run off at the first bounce of a ball.

But a cat is consistent, focused,

and hence, much more qualified

to assist in the healing process.

Oh, that's my good medicine kitty.

It's working.

You see, the ancient Egyptians discovered

that cats' glands secrete special healing oils.

That's why we rub our chins against our owners

to keep them healthy

and why the Egyptians worshipped the cat goddess Bastet.

So what you're saying is you're a "Bastet" case? Ha!

[purring]

Move along.

I can't have your negativity interfering

with my positive purr-therapy.

Fine!

I don't want to be around when you purr too much and explode.

Oh, that's never happened.

But just to be on the safe side.

[purring softly]

Oh, I've got one!

Solar energy.

Excellent, Leonard!

Now, who can name another type?

Miss Deweygood, would you take a look

at a few ideas I've written down?

Well, all righty, Todd. Let's see.

[chuckles]

Oh! Oh! Aah!

Oh, Miss Deweygood,

Mrs. Helperman keeps some glue remover in the cupboard.

Aah! Aah! What is this?!

And where's the other half of it?

[laughs] Nice work, Scotty.

That was just a warm-up.

Now it's time for my prank de résistance.

[siren wails]

This is a little trick I call "the big chocolate wave."

Wow! This is the best prank ever.

Just wait till the fifth graders hear about this.

And a little touch of my own just for fun.

She's coming!

Drat! We haven't set the trigger for the big chocolate wave.

You're so helpful, Leonard.

These library books will give us the information we need to--

Oh, what now?

[class giggles]

Mr. Leadbelly, may I see you in the hall now?

Oh, this is perfect.

I'll keep her occupied in the hallway

while you set the trigger.

Leonard, please keep an eye on the class.

Yes, Miss Deweygood.

[all mocking] Yes, Miss Deweygood.

Gosh, Leonard, you're such a goody-goody.

Yeah, you're acting just like Scott.

What do you mean? You love it when Scott acts this way.

Yeah, but it works on him.

On you it's just sort of... icky.

You mean you like me better when I'm just plain old

Leonard "blend into the background" Helperman?

[all] Yes!

I'm cool with that.

Why are you treating me like this?

I'm just trying to do the best job I can.

Don't you have any respect for learning and education?

Me? No respect for learning? Why, of course I do.

It's just that you are trying to be Mrs. Helperman.

I know Mrs. Helperman.

I've lived with Mrs. Helperman

every day of my scholastic life,

and try as you might, you're no Mrs. Helperman.

Oh, I know, but she has such a wonderful reputation.

I just wanted to be like her.

Never mind. I suppose a little boy like you wouldn't understand

about pretending to be something you're not.

Au contraire. I understand completely.

The important thing is to be comfortable with who you are,

be it teacher or a boy

or, say, just for argument's sake, a-a dog boy.

It was the immortal bard who put it best--

"This above all, to thine own self be true."

I think I've underestimated you.

You're quite the scholar, if somewhat eccentric.

And the bard's right.

I can only succeed as a teacher

if I'm completely true to myself.

And the same goes for me as a student.

Miss Deweygood, I apologize.

I've acted like, well, like a dog

rather than the model student I strive to be.

Oh apology accepted.

Now, why don't we go back in?

After you, Miss Deweygood.

Thank you, Todd.

We'll start by enjoying our chocolate-milk break.

Chocolate milk? Oh, no!

[laughter]

[sighs] I suppose I deserved that.

Ah! Quelle idée! C'est si drôle.

Wow! You speak French?

Yes. French was my major in college.

Would you teach us some?

What? You mean you really do want to learn something today?

[all] Yes!

Great! We'll start with bonjour.

[all] Bonjour!

I know some French.

Je veux un biscuit de chien.

[laughs] Oh, that is so funny.

You just asked for a dog biscuit.

[laughter]

Sacre bleu!

Mom, I'm home.

Well, if it isn't my own little Rhodes Scholar.

[smooches]

Feeling better?

I'm all righty-roosky doosky.

[barking, panting]

Why, there you are, Spot. Where have you been?

He was outside and followed me in.

Spotty-Wotty, I missed you.

But Mr. Jolly took wonderful care of me.

Now I have two medicine pets.

And how was your substitute teacher?

Miss Deweygood was terrific,

but she wasn't you.

Ha ha ha ha! Oh, come on.

I'll make a pot of chicken noodle-doodle soup.

All right!

Ah-choo!

Aah! No!

I think I have a case of the snufflies.

A-A-Ah-choo!

Hmm, sounds like you could use a medicine pet.

You would be my medicine pet?

Hey, there's no substitute for the real thing.

Spot, you're doing it all wrong.

You got to throw in a nice loud purr every now and again.

Like this-- [purring]

Aah!

Ow!

[snoring]