Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ It's so weird ♪ ♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

[thunder crashes]

[Spot] Madness descends, enveloping, consuming,

like a velvet shroud of black terror.

We are lost,

cast adrift this Hallows' Eve,

on a lightless sea of candy... costumes...

And madness!

[cackles]

Hey, listen to what this Halloween web site

says about vampires.

"Vampires can take on virtually any form,

and once invited into your home,

will never leave till they suck out all your blood."

Aah!

Oh, please. That's a bunch of supernatural hooey.

This whole Halloween thing is a scam,

foisted on a gullible public

by the central American sugar barons.

It's all right here.

Do you think I was right going with chromain,

the cyborg prince from the Black Hole Adventure Series?

Or should I have stuck with the Bo Peep's sheep costume?

What difference does it make?

If it doesn't stop raining,

we won't even get to go trick-or-treating.

Leonard, a little faith, please.

I checked "The Farmers' Almanac,"

the U.S. Weather Bureau, the local weather report,

and your mother's bunion, and I'm telling you,

all signs point to clear skies

and smooth sailing tomorrow night.

I hope you're right.

It'd be awful to miss our first year

of trick-or-treating all by ourselves.

Leonard, who are you talking to?

Huh? No one. Just myself.

Leonard Helperman, I hope this isn't an unapproved

do-it-yourself Halloween costume.

I told you, if you want to go trick-or-treating

with your friends,

you have to wear this safety smart 'n' scary one.

But-- but, Mom--

[sighs] Yes, ma'am.

All righty, then. [laughs]

I'll just get rid of this thing, and you go to bed.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, I guess it's Bo Peep's sheep after all.

Probably for the best.

I have such a flair for quadrupeds.

[animal screeches]

[both] Aah!

Ow, ow, ow. Claws.

W-w-w-w-what was that?

It sounded like...

The tormented cry of a disembodied spirit,

trapped between this life and the next.

Or maybe a cat.

That's another possibility.

I think it's coming from the kitchen. Come on.

[animal screeches]

I think it's out there.

No! Don't open it.

It could be the disembodied spirit.

See? It's a kitty, just like I said.

Don't invite it in.

[whispers] It might be a vampire

just pretending to be a cat.

You really ought to lay off the supernatural web sites.

Come on inside, fella. It's okay.

Great. Just what this house needs-- more cats.

So, what's your name?

Where'd you come from? Who's your daddy?

Come on, fess up.

It's okay. Leonard's cool.

You can talk in front of him.

Um, well, they call me Spooky,

and I've been lost so long, I don't even remember my home.

Aw, poor kitty.

Don't worry. We'll take care of you.

Oh, thank you all so much.

I don't know how I can ever repay you.

Ow, ow, ow. Claws.

[purring]

Leonard never should have invited him in.

What if he is a vampire

and he doesn't leave until he's sucked all my blood

and made me his vampire slave?

I don't want to be a slave.

And I'm telling you, you're meshugeneh.

That cat is an ordinary,

everyday pain-in-the-neck cat,

very much like a certain other pain-in-the-neck cat I know.

Oh, really? Is he?

Or has he already turned you into his vampire slave,

and you just don't know it, hmm?

Huh? Fair question.

Now you've really flipped.

Could somebody please close the curtains, please?

I'm very sensitive to the sunlight.

All righty-dighty. Are you boys all set?

We sure are, Mrs. H.

Got your Jack-o'-lantern flashlights?

Yes, Mom.

Super-duper. [laughs]

Then I think you two

are ready to have a fantabulous Halloween.

This is gonna be great.

My first trick-or-treat...

Uh, with the big kids.

Uh, there's just one more tiny little thing.

-[both] Uh-oh. -I organized a neighborhood candy -free,

no-trick Halloween zone.

All the parents on our block have agreed

to only hand out healthy trick-or-treat treats,

such as dried fruits, canned goods,

and, of course, the occasional shredded wheat biscuit.

But, Mom, no candy on Halloween?

That isn't even American.

Oh, and I suppose rotten teeth and upset tummies are.

I think not.

I can't tell you what to do, Scott,

but it's high time my little lollipop

kicked the demon sugar habit.

-But-- -No buts.

I want you to promise me you'll stay on our block

and won't cross the street.

I promise.

That's my good boy. [laughs]

Now, get out there and have a super-fabuloso time.

Oh, and be home by 7:00.

Make sure your shoelaces are tied.

[doorbell rings]

[children] Trick or treat.

Oh, my goodness,

what a scary bunch of ghosts and goblins...

And petting-zoo animals.

[bleats]

All righty, then.

Who wants a nice, tasty banana?

Leonard, I can't take any more

of this lame excuse for a Halloween.

I can't take it, I tell you.

Well, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to take it.

We don't have any other choice.

[laughs]

"Don't have any other choice"-- that's so cute.

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny, we always have choices.

Should I ignore social injustice,

or should I choose to get involved?

Should I sit in front of the TV day after day,

or should I choose to live each day to the fullest?

Should I walk around like a half-dead zombie

collecting produce for Halloween,

or should I choose to enjoy the revelry and candy

as millions of kids have done since the dawn of man?

Oh, no. You heard what my mom said.

We're absolutely forbidden from--

Look.

-♪ Everybody say party here ♪ -♪ Right here ♪

-♪ Everybody say party hearty ♪ -♪ Oh, yeah ♪

-♪ Everybody say party there ♪ -♪ Over here ♪

♪ Everybody say party, party ♪

-♪ Come on, come on ♪ -♪ Come on, come on ♪

-♪ Party, party ♪ -♪ Party, party ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Everybody say party hearty ♪

But we can't. I promised my mom.

Aw, come on.

What's one little promise...

Compared to this?

-Ah. -No, I don't want to.

Oh, Leonard, you say you don't want to go,

but you are so transparent.

Don't you know by now that I can see right through you?

Please, can we go? Please, please, please?

Well, I--

attaboy.

-This is wrong-- so very, very wrong. -♪ Party, party ♪

Oh, Leonard, say hallelujah.

We have reached the promised land.

[sobbing]

I got to admit, this does seem like more fun.

Seems like more fun?

Lenny, open your eyes and smell the candy corn.

We're in Halloween heaven.

Hey, guys, which are the good houses?

Dude, they're all good.

Yeah, dude, this is the best Halloween ever.

Choco-crunchies,

Caramel Twisties, Gooey Tasties.

Some houses are even giving out Beating Heart Taffy.

What's beating heart Taffy... dude?

"What's Beating Heart Taffy?"

Dude, where are you from?

Across the street.

[all] Oh.

Beating Heart Taffy

is only the chewiest, tastiest, taffiest taffy

you've ever tasted, dude.

[Leonard] Ew, that's gross.

To paraphrase the great American humorist Will Rogers,

I never met a piece of candy I didn't like...

Until now.

Here.

[beating]

Ooh.

Wow.

Disgusting on the outside,

delicious on the inside.

It's a whole new world on this side of the street.

Come on, Lenny. Let's get to trick-or-treating.

♪ It's about the candy ♪

♪ It's about the treats ♪

♪ Dressing up like ghosts And ghouls and sheep ♪

♪ It's surely dandy ♪

♪ But, brother, When push comes to shove ♪

♪ And shove comes to pull, Just fill me up ♪

♪ Until I'm full ♪

♪ Of those sweets ♪

♪ Those sumptuous sweets ♪

♪ No food can compete ♪

♪ With a treacly treat ♪

♪ Yummy gummy, gooey gooey ♪

♪ You just can't beat Those Halloween sweets ♪

♪ All you ghouls and goblins ♪

♪ Every witch's hag ♪

♪ Gobble up those goodies In your goody bag ♪

♪ If there's a problem ♪

♪ Because the one that you pick Is stuck to a stick ♪

♪ Just eat that tricky treat With a lovin' lick ♪

♪ I'm talking about sweets ♪

♪ Those sumptuous sweets ♪

♪ No food can compete ♪

♪ With a treacly treat ♪

♪ Yummy gummy, gooey gooey ♪

♪ You just can't beat Those Halloween sweets ♪

♪ Halloween treats ♪

♪ Halloween treats ♪

Got to love 'em.

Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.

Hide your candy.

Hey, guys. How'd you make out?

Are you kidding? It was awful.

If I see one more box of raisins,

I'm gonna scream.

It's like the whole neighborhood

is one big vegetarian restaurant.

Yeah.

One house is even giving out egg-white omelets.

Yeah, this Halloween was a total bust.

Well, we've still got Christmas to look forward to.

Yikes, look at the time. I've got to get home.

Me too. See ya.

Yeah. See ya.

So long.

Bye.

[purring]

According to the "Welcome To Transylvania" web site,

if Spooky is a vampire,

he'll be repelled by this garlic necklace.

Well, if he isn't, I am.

Between the garlic and your fish breath,

you smell like day-old scampi.

Mmm.

What is that delightful aroma?

Aah!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I startle you?

Startle? Us?

Not at all.

Don't be silly.

What ever gave you that idea?

Is that a garland of garlic around your neck?

Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.

I hope you don't find it disturbing or repulsive.

Do you?

Why, no. Quite the contrary.

Oh.

That is a relief.

Isn't that a relief, Pretty Boy?

I, for one, am relieved.

[sniffs]

Mmm, mm-mmm-mmm.

In fact, you smell good enough to eat.

Ha ha. Stupid thing. Ha ha ha ha.

Don't even know why I wear it. Ha ha.

Speaking of eating,

I was wondering if you might like to join me later

for a midnight bite.

Oh, uh... gee.

Splendid, then. It's a date.

Oh. Goody.

Lucky for us, mom is still out on Halloween patrol.

That'll give us time to hide the booty.

Loot. Spoils.

Plunderage. Swag?

The candy.

Oh.

Listen, I was thinking...

Oh, that's a dangerous sign.

Maybe if we just confess right away

and throw ourselves on my mom's mercy,

things won't go so bad for us.

That's one idea. Here's another--

we don't tell ma anything,

thus avoiding getting into trouble altogether.

That could work, too.

I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about this.

Here, try one of these.

It'll have you feeling better in no time.

[beating]

[muffled] Holy moley, is this stuff good!

Easy for you to say. Now help me hide the candy.

Okay.

Leonard, doodlebug, are you home?

Quick, put everything in the closet.

Good idea.

And stop talking.

All right.

Oh, there you are.

Why didn't you answer me?

Oh, hello, mother.

I'm sorry.

I guess I was so engrossed in this American history book,

I just didn't hear you.

You're reading American history on your own

without me giving you an assignment?

Uh-huh.

Oh, my goodness.

I never thought this day would come.

[laughs]

How was your trick-or-treating?

Oh, it was great.

In fact, the fruits and vegetables were so delicious,

I ate them all before I got home.

[gasps]

Well, now, somebody pinch me.

Leonard, why is your tongue blue?

[gasps]

Must be all that, uh, delicious eggplant I ate.

Be still, my heart.

Mom, are you crying?

Oh, don't be silly.

Just got a little something in my eye.

You go back to your American history.

I love you very, very much.

Good night.

Leonard, that was, perhaps,

the finest performance

I've e'er had the privilege to witness.

Bravo.

I'm the worst person on the planet.

Not only did I disobey and deceive my mom

by crossing the street and trick-or-treating,

but then I made it worse by double lying about it

and even made her proud of me

for doing something I lied about,

which I didn't even do because I was doing

something else that I wasn't supposed to.

[Pretty Boy] But you saw for yourself.

The garlic didn't bother him at all.

Doesn't that prove he's not a vampire?

All right, follow me.

I'm going to have to prove once and for all

that Spooky is not one of the "living dead."

I thought they broke up.

That's the Grateful-- aw, never mind.

Okay, listen up.

Everyone knows that vampires don't have reflections,

so all we have to do is hold this up to spooky,

see his reflection, ipso facto, he's not a vampire.

Then you can quit driving me nuts.

[yawns]

[purring]

See? No reflection, just like I--

Oy vey.

Good evening.

Is it time to eat already?

Aah!

Mmm.

Mmm.

[muffled] This taffy is delicious!

After all that,

I don't even get to keep my Beating Heart Taffy.

Spot's a dog, and dogs can't eat chocolate,

so I've got to trade all my taffy

for Spot's stupid chocolate.

[stomach growls]

How can I ever look her in the eye again?

I can't. That's how.

[moans]

Are you sure this will work?

It has to work.

I have a feeling when the clock strikes 12:00,

our friend spooky is going to wake up hungry.

[thunder crashes]

[growling]

-Aah! -Aah!

Let us never speak of this again.

Speak of what?

I can't seem to stop eating this Taffy.

Maybe I can make up for tonight

if I become a missionary

and spend my life in service to others.

-[thunder crashes] -Aah!

What was that?

It sounded like lightning followed by a scream.

Oh, you are the clever one.

Leonard, sweetie, are you all right?

It's your mom! Quick, act natural.

Oh, my poor doodlebug.

Did that noise scare you?

Yes. Say yes.

Yes.

Good boy. Now stay cool.

Oh, poor baby.

It was probably just a cat. Now, come on, hop back into bed.

Okay.

Mom, if I did something bad--

I mean really bad-- would you still love me?

Well, of course, honey.

I might be really, really disappointed,

but you're my little sugarplum,

and I'll always love you no matter what.

[heart beating]

[Spot thinking] What is that sound?

[heart beating]

[thunder crashes]

It's coming from the closet.

Could the beating heart Taffy actually be... beating?

I can't believe she can't hear it.

Hmm, looks like another storm's coming in.

She knows. Keep talking, Leonard.

Mom, there's something I need to tell you.

What is it, pumpkin?

[heart beating]

She's toying with us.

Well, tonight,

when we went trick-or-treating...

That's it!

I can't take it anymore!

[barking]

[gasps]

What is this?

[thinking] Hey, it stopped. What do you know?

It wasn't coming from the bag after all.

It must have been my own heartbeat.

Ain't that a kick in the pants?

Leonard Amadeus Helperman,

you have got a lot of explaining to do.

Mom, that's what I was trying to tell you.

I disobeyed you.

Scott and I did cross the street,

and we did trick-or-treat for candy.

I didn't eat any fruits or vegetables,

and I wasn't studying American history,

and I'm so, so sorry.

Please don't hate me.

Sweetheart, I told you, I could never hate you,

but I am very disappointed.

Now, you go back to sleep,

and we'll discuss your punishment in the morning.

Okay, mom.

[moaning and whining]

Oh, Leonard.

How could you let your poor, innocent Spotty-Wottie

eat that vile junk?

Come on, poor baby.

You sleep with me tonight. Good night, Leonard.

Good night, mom.

[thinking] I'm going to hear about this tomorrow.

Poor little pupper-wupper.

Did that nasty candy give you a tummy ache?

What on earth?

[sighs] Will it never stop raining?

Oh, well, at least I'm not grounded

with no TV and no treats for a whole month like someone else I know.

Need I remind you that you were the one

who talked me into disobeying my mom

in the first place?

So since you're still my dog,

and i'm still your master,

as long as I'm punished, you're punished.

Lenny, you wouldn't pull rank on me, would you?

Absolutely.

Well, I guess we both learned something from this.

Even though we may not agree with all the restrictions

our parents place on us,

we should understand that they love us

and have our best interests in mind,

and when we break their rules behind their backs...

[toilet flushes]

Our deception will surely come back to haunt us.

[growling]

Get it? Haunt us?

See how I worked that into this whole Halloween theme?

Very clever, but actually, I already knew all that stuff

about following our parents' rules.

What I learned is to never let you

or anybody else talk me into doing something

that I know I shouldn't do.

And we've learned never to take in boarders

without first checking their references.

Amen to that, brother.

Leonard, look what I found on our doorstep.

I figure we'll keep the poor little fella

until we can find him a good home.

Look, Mr. Jolly--

a new friend for you to play with.

[cat screeches]