Original subtitles

♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ It's so weird ♪ ♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪

♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

[announcer on TV] Stay tuned, boys and girls.

Coming up next-- a classic reprise

of your all-time perennial favorite super beloved

episode of "The Goony Gopher Show."

[both] Rerun.

[boy on TV] Coming right up on "Wormface And Skelepony,"

a perennial reprise all-time favorite classic...

[both] Seen that.

Don't they make any new shows anymore?

[man on TV] And next, a brand-new...

Reshowing of your all-time favorite...

That does it. This is un-American.

Who do they think we are, a bunch of dumb animals?

Well, we showed them. We voted with our beaks.

Darn right.

So now what do we do?

I don't know.

What did we do before we had television?

We've always had television...

Except for that one day the power was out

and we slept for 18 hours straight.

You want to sleep?

I got a better idea than sitting

in front of some stupid screen, passively letting

information and entertainment wash over us. Come on!

[beeping]

You were right. This is infinitely better.

[beeping]

[Scott] Earth-- 93 million miles from the sun,

a stunning big beautiful blue marble

that I like to call... Home.

You're never going to get home

if you keep stopping to look at it.

Well, pardon me for admiring my creation.

Can't I stop and smell the genius every now and then?

On any other day, yes.

On the day they give out the Junior Boy Ranger

community-service job assignments?

Junior Boy Ranger yada-yada assignment jobs?

Let's go. Move it.

I'm going to get there first,

and then assistant groundskeeper at the softball field

is mine, all mine.

Card-catalog room at the rare-book library,

here I come.

Dewey decimal system?

More like ooh-whee! Decimal system.

It helps to like your work.

[blaring]

Junior goody-two-shoes alert.

There will be a 100% chance of geekiness

with scattered nerds.

Heh heh heh ho.

It's so easy to judge others

from atop your ivory perch, isn't it?

At least we're contributing to society

and not zoning out in front of the television all day.

Shows what you know. We don't zone out in front of the TV.

No. On the contrary,

we zone out in front of the computer.

It would seem that this is one cat

who really knows his way with a mouse.

[giggles]

See? Cat, mouse-- I created a witticism.

Stop. Please, stop. My sides are aching.

Now if you'll excuse us, we are off,

to quote the Junior Boy Ranger motto,

to do our duty with enthusiasm,

respectful of the awesome responsibility--

come on, Scott, or we'll get stuck with the lame-o jobs.

Bye now.

[all] A Junior Boy Ranger is ever mindful.

A Junior Boy Ranger respects his peers

and observes the rules of order and fairness

at all times.

Very good, rangers. I'm proud of you.

Okay, now on to the business of today's meeting.

The community-service jobs--

Come on! Out of my way!

Now look what you did to my little purple scarf.

Boys, this mindless mayhem stops now.

[all grumbling]

That's not fair.

And get off of Gary.

Ooh, sorry.

Was I first?

Starting today, the community-service jobs

will be picked by me at random in alphabetical order

of your last names.

Oh, that's not fair.

My name starts with "W."

I beat Scott to the jar,

and that means I pick first.

And your attitude means now you'll definitely pick last.

Vengeance is mine.

And Scott will pick second to last.

O... kay.

Nice going, Scott.

And Leonard--

Third to last. Got it.

Let's begin.

What did you get?

I got "the peace and quiet room

at the Restful Quietude Senior Citizens Center."

Whoo-hoo. That sounds great.

Whoo-hoo, boy.

Little Leonard living large in the land of liniment.

[yawns]

How exciting.

Yeah? So what did you get?

Come on, library. Come to puppy. Come to puppy.

Well, what do you know?

I get to help out at the...

East Westland Stray Cat Shelter.

Yay! Rare book library!

Ooh, I can taste the dust mites already.

That is to say...

Congratulations, Scott, on our mutual good fortune.

The land of liniment is looking a lot--

I can't think of an "l" word,

but a whole lot better than you and a bunch of cats.

[sighs]

We just have to keep telling ourselves

we're Junior Boy Rangers,

and it's for a good cause.

But old people--

you're telling me. Cats-- oh!

If I was a betting bird, I'd lay two to one

that Leonard lasts longer with the geezers

than the pooch does with the pussycats.

Ooh, I beg to differ.

What could be more purr-fect

than spending the day surrounded by feline companionship?

I'll tell you what could be more perfect--

lying on a bed of nails,

walking on broken glass,

flying into the sun. No offense.

Why would I be offended?

However, you are right on one count.

I'll certainly last longer at my job

than Leonard will at his.

No way. At least all I have to do is

get along with my own species.

No way. At least all I have to do

is get along with my own species.

At least all I have to do is

get along with my own species.

You can't mimic my mimic.

I say I can. Who are you?

I'm rubber, you're glue.

Oh, brother.

Sometimes you just got to stir up the pot a little.

Ooh, you make me want to be bad.

To do our duty with enthusiasm,

respectful of the awesome responsibility--

Aah!

Why me? Why me?

[man on TV] Now I may be just a retired dermatologist,

but I think I can help with your murder investigation.

Leonard, would you tell me

if I've got a piece of dried apricot in my teeth?

-Looks good to me. -Oh, thanks, kid.

Hey, want to help me clean them now that I got them out?

Help yourself to another cookie, dear.

Cookie, shmookie-- he hasn't finished his fig.

How is he supposed to grow curly hair?

His hair is fine just the way it is.

Oh, such a handsome boy.

Ow!

Now, Scott, your job at the shelter

will be to make sure our guests are cared for.

Just the basics-- clean their cages, feed them--

Ooh! And stay alert.

You might want to remember that.

-Got it. -Good.

Now let's go see the cats you'll be taking care of.

I don't have to work with these... things?

No, heh heh, no.

You'll be helping out with the problem group.

Problem group?

Oh, the horror! The horror!

Mew.

[clock chiming]

And they just kept mewing,

like little baby dolls

and looking at me like that-- like they were...

Fond of me.

So you got a fan club. Big deal.

But they're cats--

the silliest, most ridiculously worthless creatures

on the face of this earth.

Hey, are you going to take this guff lying down?

Ooh, I found a web site

that delivers a different kind of catnip toy every month.

I'm sorry. Were you talking to me?

Oh, is this to be my fate?

That I, a dog who aspires to the heavens of achievement,

should be assigned to the most degrading,

dispiriting, soul-suckingly heinous job?

So you're saying you don't like it.

Excuse me while I go wash off the smell of cat.

I've tried. It doesn't come off.

That is one miserable canine.

I don't want to talk about it.

I'm going to the bathroom to wash off

the smell of cookies and figs.

Oh, hello, Leonard. I didn't hear you come in.

I just got through telling the boys here

how much I love-- nay, Cherish--

my exciting job at the... cat shelter.

That's great, and I just got through

saying how much I love working with the elderly.

Well, isn't that just wonderful?

That's exactly what I was thinking--

wonderful.

Ha ha ha. All righty, then.

Okay.

-See you. -So long.

I'm not a good person.

I wonder if they have

an achievement badge in self-loathing.

There you go--

spilled milk all gone...

For the seventh time.

[mewing]

[sighs]

Now please, be careful.

Don't step on the...

Dish!

[crying]

What do you know? I'm actually crying over spilled milk.

Aah!

I can't take it anymore!

Oh! Don't look at me.

[mewing]

I have to leave this place before I go mad-- mad!

Nothing personal, fellows. I-I like you fine,

but don't look at it as if you're losing a father figure.

Just-- well, I guess you are losing a father figure.

Say goodbye to daddy.

[all] Goodbye, daddy.

You don't make it easy.

It's true. He does like us.

We are loved.

And so very, very lonely.

So I've quit my job,

and I'm a complete utter failure at my community service,

but as long as I can keep it from Leonard forever, I'm fine.

Oh, great. Now I'm a quitter, failure, and a liar.

-[mew] -Huh?

Aah!

Mommy.

Mommy? Mommy!

Okay, write this.

Today's episode of "The Goony Gopher Show"

was entertaining, though the animation was choppy

and the story predictable.

Oh, and I think you're being a little harsh.

It was a very funny show. I was lol-ing.

That means laughing out loud in cyberspeak.

I speak cyberspeak.

Sounds to me like you are l-o-l-l-a-s-c.

I'm not familiar with that nomenclature.

That's laughing out loud like a stupid cat.

Uh, pardon me, guys,

but is there any information on the Internet

about crisis management?

I suppose I could look it up for you

after we're done with this.

Thanks, but could you maybe get around to doing it now?

[mewing]

We're being invaded by a band of hideous creatures.

They're cats. You're a cat.

Okay, now I'm offended.

Hey, hands off. I'm not a squeak toy.

Get these fuzz balls out of here now.

Now, now, come on. Let cooler heads prevail.

This situation is not as bad as it--

Aah!

[mewing]

Uranus, I hardly knew ye.

10 billion years to create, 10 seconds to destroy.

Leonard's home.

Yay! Leonard is home!

Maybe he can help me do something with these kittens.

Ooh! Wait. If he sees these kitties,

he's going to know that i'm a quitter-failure-loser,

unless I hide the cats.

Then I'll only be a quitter-failure-liar,

which is much better than a quitter-failure-loser.

You quit?

Just because you couldn't take a bunch of six-week-old kittens?

I think we've established that, yes.

Now--

you swore your second oath to do your duty with enthusiasm,

respectful of the awesome responsibility

that comes with serving your community?

Oh, for pity's sake,

I'm a quitter. I'm lower than dirt.

I'm lower than what's underneath dirt,

and I don't deserve to be A Junior Boy Ranger.

Are you happy now?

Relatively.

Hello? I'm home.

Now will you please help me?

If Leonard finds out I quit,

he'll be mimicking me for the rest of my life--

badly.

It's going to cost you a few gigabytes of RAM.

Ram, jam...

Something else that rhymes with ram--

I can't be clever now. I'm desperate.

I'll get you anything you want, blackmailer.

Just help me. All right, we'll keep quiet,

but we won't forget the shame you brought

to the sacred code of the Junior Boy Rangers.

How do you know so much about the secret code

of the Junior Boy Rangers?

I use the handbook to line my cage.

-Anybody here? -Lenny, home so soon?

Yeah, they let me go early today

as a reward for the great job I'm doing.

What do you know? Aah! Me, too.

I tell you-- oh, my job...

Is a 110% joy.

Love it to pieces. Me, too.

Oh, good.

Well, I'm off to the kitchen.

All that serving the community made me hungry.

See you.

Oh, what am I going to do?

-What's the matter with you? -I quit my job.

I couldn't take it anymore.

All day long, it's TV and cookies--

"Elderly Lawyer," cookies,

"Senior Citizen Detective," more cookies,

"This Really Old House," more cookies and a fig.

They're nice people, and they really like me,

but all they do is talk to me about bad TV shows,

stuff cookies in my mouth, and pinch my cheek.

Look! I don't know if it'll ever go back to normal.

So let me get this straight.

A bunch of nice old people shower you with attention,

and you quit?

I didn't actually quit.

I just told them I was feeling sick

and left early.

So you weaseled out of it? That's worse.

Whatever happened to...

"A junior boy ranger Sees every job

through until completion, no matter the--"

I can't make out the rest of this,

but you get the point.

I know, I know.

I'm so ashamed that I couldn't do an easy job like that.

I mean, look at Scott.

He was forced to work with cats, and he didn't quit.

Somebody's going to get a new motherboard.

Now let's see how we can help you

keep this a secret.

Aah...

Now, please,

don't put your claws in that region ever again.

Okay, mommy.

I'm not your mommy.

Pretty Boy's right.

I can't just shirk my responsibility like that.

I have to go back there

and meet my problems face to face.

[all] Hi, Leonard.

Oh, no! Leonard!

Leonard, don't make such a to-do.

We had no trouble getting here.

Yeah, my senior scooter has a sidecar.

Besides, you're sick,

and we want to help you feel better.

But--

I'll just put this soup on the stove.

The stove? In the kitchen?

No, the one in the crawlspace.

Okay, but I'll go in first.

There could be gas.

Lenny! Scott! How's it going?

Good, good.

Did I mention how much I love my job?

I think you did, and I-I love mine, too.

-Good. -Good.

-Well, see you. -See you.

The stove is broken,

but I think I have a hot plate somewhere.

Follow me.

I haven't moved this much

since the Lindy hop went out of style.

-Right this way. -Aah!

-Scott! -Lenny!

[both] How are you? I'm fine. Love the job. See you around.

This one is going to cost you plenty.

Sure, whatever, you got it.

Come on.

[mewing]

Uh-huh... It's not here, either.

Now maybe it's just my arthritic hip acting up,

but I got a feeling we're not looking for a hot plate anymore.

No, we're not.

Why don't you tell us

what all this running around was about, Leonard?

[sighs]

I didn't want my friend Scott to see you,

because if he did, he'd be ashamed of me.

If Leonard saw us, he'd know I quit my job at the shelter,

and then he'd know that--

you couldn't take it?

After a while,

I got smothered by all the attention you gave me--

the way you just kept feeding me and pinching my cheek.

I know. You're right, kid,

and we're sorry we were all over you like that.

We'll make it up to you somehow.

I know-- have a cookie.

You have to understand, Leonard.

If we did go too far, it's only because we're lonely.

It's been so long since we've had anyone

to talk to and care for.

Cookie?

Uh, sorry. Old habits die hard.

You see, nobody ever took care of us before.

We don't have a mommy.

I know, and I'm so sorry,

but I can't be your mommy. I can't be your anything.

I'm not even a boy.

Not a boy?

Didn't you wonder why I've been able

to talk to you all this time?

It's because I'm really a dog.

[all screaming]

Okay, okay, I'm a boy.

[all] Phew!

Whoa, I'll think twice before I pull that stunt again.

Okay, time for this Junior Boy Ranger

to do something honorable for a change.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

You stay here. I'm going to straighten this out.

-Leonard? -Scott?

-Hi. -Hi.

Lenny, I have something to--

to confess? Me, too.

Confess?

They can't confess. I need my new cd-rom drive.

I'm going to get on that computer and order some thumbs.

Well, thanks for sharing with me, Leonard.

It's good to know I wasn't alone in my shame.

Me, too.

Now what are we going to do to take responsibility

and do our duty?

Well, you have nice lonely old people

who need someone to take care of.

And you have kittens who need someone to take care of them.

We could put them together.

Yes! Do you think it could work?

I don't know.

I could run to the library and do some research

on the comparative benefits

of pairing up orphan kittens with lonely senior citizens.

[mewing]

-Or not. -Hey, look.

This one likes to play with my teeth.

And I present the comeback

Junior Boy Ranger of the year award

to Leonard Helperman and Scott Leadready II

for putting some lovely kittens together

with some lovely people,

thereby rescuing their Junior Boy Rangers careers

from the ashes of cowardice, dishonor, and ignominy.

Thank you. I'm very proud... And very ashamed.

I hereby award the Junior Boy Ranger of the year award

and a 10% discount on any new accident policy

at Steve Kanickee Insurance,

where we can't spell customer without "u,"

to Ian Wazalusky for his outstanding service

to the East Westland Rare Book Library.

[all cheering]

Sorry about all the paper cuts, son.

Ha ha! I won!

I'm king of the world.

Junior Boy Ranger of the year!

Looks like you also won

the poor sport of the year award, Ian. I'll take that.

Oh, when am I going to learn to keep my big wide mouth shut?