Original subtitles

When are they gonna finish filming this vampire movie?

I'm so sick of finding fangs in my soup.

Oh my gosh, those could be blake radisson's fangs.

I loved him in the "tridark" movies.

Well, I hope you love him eating fish sticks because...

He's eating fish sticks. Oh my gosh, hide me.

Talk to him.

I can't.

It's blake radisson.

Hey, blake! You're welcome.

Hot. I mean, hi.

I mean, how's it going?

This--

I love you as frederick, by the way.

- See you, frederick. - Thanks, I--

And by the way, I love vampires way more than werewolves.

I mean, what's with the ah-ooh!

Less howl, more flirty.

Right.

So did you know

That when bats fly out of a cave, they always turn left?

I hadn't heard.

Oh, it's true. Just check "tridarkipedia."

Have you ever flirted before?

Not with a vampire.

Your fish sticks look a little dry.

Blargh!

Oh my gosh, blake, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean--

But it looks good on you.

Okay, bat leaving the cave. Bye.

Go left.

( phone ringing )

♪ off to the races, I'm going places ♪

♪ might be a long shot, not gonna waste it ♪

♪ this is the big break and it's calling my name ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ so far, so great, get with it ♪

♪ at least that's how I see it ♪

♪ having a dream is just the beginning ♪

♪ so far, so great, believe it ♪

♪ can't take away this feeling ♪

♪ taking a ride, chance on my side ♪

♪ yeah, I can't wait ♪

♪ so far, so great, so far, so great ♪

♪ ba ba da da-da, ba da da da-da ♪

♪ ba ba da da-da, ba da da da-da ♪

♪ yow! ♪

- Anxious? - Yeah.

Me too. What are you pacing about?

Well, I'm expecting a call from my brother grant.

- Oh. - Yeah. You?

I put ketchup on a vampire.

- Ooh. - A totally hot vampire.

Oh.

- ( computer bleeping ) - ohh!

Don't let grant get to you like he always does, okay?

You know what? You're right.

Not this time. I'm feeling good.

I'm feeling good. I'm feeling strong.

Ha ha!

Hello.

He-hey, gravy!

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

- Well, I mean-- - of course not,

Because that would mean you had a life.

Grady, don't just take that. Give it back to him.

No life, huh?

So true.

How can you not have a life?

You're on a t.V. Show, man.

- Have you seen it yet? - No. I have a life,

Filled with girls and more girls, bro.

But you wouldn't know about that.

I've had girlfriends.

Hermione doesn't count.

Grady's got no lady. Grady's got no lady.

Oh, yeah? Grady's got a lady,

- And you're looking at her. - What?

You mean, you didn't tell your brother about us?

Uh, well, it's just it's all so new.

Speaking of new, the shirt I bought you looks great on you.

I thought mommy got you that shirt.

Mm-hmm, mommy did.

Bye.

Am I a good friend or what? Or what?

A little love up top right there, right there.

What did you do?

Grant is flying out to visit tomorrow.

This is not good.

- Oh. - Yeah, "oh."

'cause when he finds out you're not really my girlfriend,

I will never hear the end of this.

Don't worry, grady. You know what?

I'm officially your girlfriend--

Officially your fake girlfriend.

Oh, really?

Well then, make me a sandwich.

I'm just messing around.

I'll go make you a sandwich.

So look at us

Having breakfast together without grady and sonny.

Yeah, look at us.

For a moment there I thought we'd have nothing to talk about.

But here we are,

Talking about

How we thought we'd have nothing to talk about.

That's something to talk about.

Yeah. No, it's not.

Yeah, we got nothing.

Oh, this could be something.

Oh, hello hello.

Are you on the hunt for a nutritious breakfast?

Huh? Yeah.

Maybe there's one hiding behind your dignity.

Enough. Mock all you want,

But allow me to introduce you to

The chad dylan cooper safari bar.

It brings out the beast in you.

Rarr!

You have your own energy bar?

Yes, and more importantly,

You don't.

Oh, and it's good too.

Oh. Ohh!

A little granola, nougat--

What's that I'm tasting in the middle?

Success.

Chew on that, suckas!

Ow!

Pompous jerk.

If grady were here, we'd be planning

A simple but easily-botched prank on him.

Well, guess what.

Tawni is here. So we're gonna lose the botch

And kick it up a notch.

Oh, I like working with you already.

Grady never made our plans rhyme.

Oh, I do it all the time. See what I did there?

I like it-- the "time-rhyme" thing.

Who is this superhero?

Oh, I know this one. It's-- it's--

Waterguy?

No, aquaman.

Aquaman, waterguy-- what's the difference?

I don't hate waterguy.

Come on, sonny.

If my brother's gonna believe you're my girlfriend,

You've got to know this stuff.

Just write it on your hand if you have to.

Well, why don't you just hit me with some family questions first?

Whoa, family? We're not moving on to family

Until you know about my loved ones.

Sorry, but this is just like too much pressure.

I think I need a break.

No.

- What? - Are you dumping me?

No, I just need a little fresh air.

Okay.

This is how it starts.

All right, aquaman-- bad.

Iron man-- good.

Narnia-- real.

What does your hand say about vampires?

( laughs )

Let's see...

It says "sweaty."

I mean, no, "sweet."

That was bad. I mean--

What do you think about having lunch with me today?

Um, let me check the hand you're not holding.

Ready?

Oh, look at that. It says yes.

Great. I'll text you the details.

Great. I'll see you later.

- Later. - ( hisses )

- Hey. - Oh, hey, girlfriend.

My brother just landed and he wants to haveunch with me and my lady.

Lunch today?

Thanks, sonny. This might be

The coolest thing anyone's ever done for me.

( whistling a tune )

( dramatic music playing )

Tawni: Hey! Seriously!

( music stops )

Just a thought-- maybe your pranks are easily botched

Because of loud music, bad choreography

And the throwing of stuff.

That's my style.

Now put the bar with the fake label on there.

( chad singing )

♪ chad dylan cooper safari bar ♪

♪ if you're feeling bad-- jerky chad. ♪

Huh?

That's weird. This all fit before.

Dude, we can't eat this.

Did you even read the warning label?

No, all I read was my name on the bar

And my name on the check for the commercial I'm gonna shoot later.

Well, you might want to take a look.

"warning: Side effects may include

The swelling and/or shrinkage of the head and--

And/or body."

Get off my vest.

"as well as intermittent hearing loss."

You... Shouldn't...

And if you're... Longer than four hours....

Hospital.

( hums a tune )

Where is my brother already?

Grady, calm down. It's gonna be okay.

Is it, sonny? Is it?

He's gonna see right through us.

Not if we stick to the plan, okay?

You're gonna break up with me in front of your brother

So you'll look strong

And so I can make my date with blake.

You know what? I'm gonna break up with you

Because I don't like your singing.

Gravy!

What's up, bro?

Hey. Don't hit me.

- I'm not gonna hit you. - All right.

That's for thinking I was gonna hit you.

Sorry I'm late.

I was consoling some girl who was just dumped,

So of course, got her number!

But I'm not gonna call her,

Because I don't want to deal with that baggage.

Grant, you're even more charming in person.

Wow, and you're even cuter.

So did you win a date-somebody- out-of-your-league contest?

Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

He is so in my league.

In fact, I'm out of his league.

Wow, way to go, bro.

Delta nu rules!

Did I mention he's president of his fraternity?

Delta nu rules!

- ( phone mooing ) - oh, excuse me.

It's blake. He's wondering where I am,

- So dump me when I get back. - Okay.

I'll miss you. I really will.

I don't want to go. I don't want to go.

You'd better be fast. I'm getting flustered.

Wow.

Mad props, little bro. Sonny's awesome.

I'm crazy proud of you.

You're proud of me?

Totes.

And when you two break up-- and trust me,

At some point you will lose this girl--

Guess who's gonna get the rebound.

You?

As in ulysses s. Grant!

Okay, grady, I'm back

From rudely taking a phone call

In the middle of our lunch.

I'm sure you have something to say about that.

Uh-huh, I do. Mm-hmm.

I think it's adorable. And it makes me

Never ever want to break up with you.

Never?

Ever.

And you can never ever have her.

What did you do?

We had a plan. You were supposed to dump me.

Sorry. I was gonna break up with you,

But then grant said that if we ever broke up,

He was gonna go after you. And I couldn't let that happen.

Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

But what am I supposed to do about blake now?

Maybe he can do dinner instead.

Great idea. I'll text him.

Ha ha ha! Good news--

I've got a date with jennifer.

I mean, jessica.

She's really special to me.

Oh, blake can do dinner.

Don't make any dinner plans.

The mitchell brothers are going on a double date.

Delta nu!

Thanks, cousin.

What the delta am I supposed to do now?

You know, I'll just tell grant

That you're pretending to be my girlfriend.

And then I'll put my mouth guard in and take what's coming to me.

Oh, no no. Just keep it in the case.

We've got to figure out a reason for you to break up with me before dinner.

Yeah, but what could anybody do

That would make a person want to break up with them?

Oh, jackpot.

Oh, yeah. Jackpot.

What do you think of this?

That is disgusting.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

( belches )

Oh.

- Seconds. - Oh.

What happened to you?

Yeah, sonny, you are disgusting.

I'm gonna have to rethink our entire relationship.

Yeah, you are...

- Thinking about marrying her. - What?

You hit the jackpot, bro. You've got a girlfriend

Who can never get on your case about being disgusting

'cause she's even more disgusting.

Sonny is gross and a hottie.

She's a grottie.

So I guess this means I'll be seeing you at dinner.

He's harder to kill than a vampire.

You scored! She's disgusting.

Gravy!

- Blake. - Sonny?

I bet you're wondering why I'm dressed like this.

You're not wearing this on our date, are you?

'cause buca di fester's has a dress code.

Yeah, I've heard about that.

It's actually for a character

On "so random!" called "gross-out girl."

Pretty convincing, huh?

Nailed it.

Don't worry about tonight.

I'll be cleaned up in time for our date.

Speaking of tonight,

I was just wondering if maybe we--

If you're going to push our date again,

Then maybe we should just cancel it.

No no no, tonight's perfect. Tonight's great.

- Cool. - Cool.

( hisses )

Bye.

I delta nu it.

Grody, change of plans.

Bros' night out, bro.

So call your girlfriend and tell her

She's free to do whatever she wants to do tonight,

'cause you and me are going to buca di fester's.

B-b-b-b-b-bouncing!

Delta nu!

All right, everyone. We got a safar bar commercial to shoot.

Let's go. Settle in. Places places.

( bell rings )

"in extreme cases

Head swelling may be followed

By funhouse vision."

Funhouse vision? What the heck is that?

Oh!

Chad dylan cooper for the safari bar, take one.

And action!

Being the greatest actor of a generation takes a lot out of you.

So when life bites you, bite back.

Chad, this is where you bite the bar.

I can't do it, I can't. I can't do it.

It's poison, you hear me?

Celebrity.

Funhouse vision?

Awesome. When did you have time to change the mirror?

What are you talking about? I didn't change the mirror.

Wha--?

( screaming )

Oh, you're good.

Wow, sonny, I have to say, you clean up well.

Thanks.

To soap and water.

So tell me about the "tridark" series.

Oh, this is great--

You and me at a restaurant together

And you're not whaling on me

Or pointing out my shortcomings

Or telling me stuff that makes me feel like a loser.

Your girlfriend's cheating on you.

Yeah, stuff like that.

No, your girlfriend is cheating on you.

That's why I brought you here. Look.

Oh my gosh. It's my girlfriend

And blake radisson,

Clearly having a business dinner.

- Get over there. - No no.

- Hey, sonny. - Grady.

What are you doing here?

What are you waiting for, bro? She's your girlfriend.

Mess him up good.

Wait, girlfriend? Is that true?

- It's complicated. - Labels-- friend, girlfriend

All right! Once again you punk out

And I've got to step in to protect the mitchell name.

No no, stop stop. Enough.

Sonny is not my girlfriend.

So you were lying to me?

Yes, we were pretending to be a couple

So you'd stop giving me grief

About not having a girlfriend.

Sonny, go get yourself a vampire.

Thanks, grady.

Okey-dokey, since everything's cleared up,

I am single and totally available.

Of course you are. A girl like you

Would never date a dork like that.

Excuse me?

I'm just saying we're good here.

And I'm just saying we're done here.

Excuse me?

Yeah, if being sweet, kind and sensitive

Makes you a dork, then yes,

Grady is the dorkiest dork there is.

But I'd rather date a dork over a jerk any day.

Thanks, sonny. ( clears throat )

Now I believe the lady

Just gave you your flying papers.

( hisses )

It works better when I've got the makeup on

And the script says that you're scared.

( hisses )

So, grant, I don't really have a girlfriend.

Let the humiliation begin.

- You're a lucky man. - Oh, come on!

Wait, what?

I've had a million girlfriends...

Eww.

But I've never had a friend who's a girl.

Actually, I've never had a friend like sonny at all--

Someone who always has your back.

You mean, kind of like a brother?

Yeah.

Yeah, like a brother.

You know, all these years

I thought you should be more like me,

But maybe I should be a little more like you.

Starting right now I will always be here for you.

Nice!

Delta nu!

I like the new grant.

I like the new grady.

Hey, while we're here, want to get a bite to eat?

- Yeah. - Great.

- Here you are. - Thank you.

You're welcome.

- So... - No.

To friendship!

- Hey. - Hey.

How was your weekend?

Oh, good. Yeah, it was good.

- How was yours? - Good.

I heard you dated sonny.

Oh, sorta.

Heard you pranked with tawni.

Yeah, a little.

- Was she better than me? - Was she better than me?

Wait, don't answer that.

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