Original subtitles

Everyone here thinks they know me inside and out

You look like you could use some help

Nope

Even random people

You need help, Dr. Dorian?

No thanks, Dr... whatever your name is

They won't leave me alone

Free help, here

Piss off, Mickhead

You'd think by now they'd know where I'm gonna end up

Dr. Cox? I could use a little help

Beyonc�, you could use a lot of help

But, hey, we all have to play the hand the Big Guy dealt us

You know, unless you're lucky enough to have

those insanely over-hyped 'Queer Eye' guys show up at your door

but I doubt even they have the brass ones necessary to fix whatever the hell this is

Yeah, if you wanna use the appearance angle to knock down my self-esteem,

best to do it on a day when my hair doesn't look awesome! I know it's new wax

What is?

It's okay to want a piece!

I just want you to check out Mrs. Barlow's chart

I'm always second-guessing myself when it comes to interstitial lung diseases

Oh, then you should definitely handle this yourself, there, Britney

I'm going with female pop stars today

The point is that back when I was a resident,

I had all sorts of trouble with metabolic diseases

You know what I did?

I grabbed every case I could get my hands on

until I had it down pat.

Got it

...You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?

Noo... I'm a good doctor

Oh

Here you go

Oh, hello, Mr. Gallbladder. Don't you get too comfy next to Mr. Liver

Because here comes Dr. Turk's robot laser.

Hey, Christopher. I could do without the color commentary

Why it gotta be a "color commentary"? 'Cause I'm doing it?

Just kiddin'

That was a near-perfect laparoscopic cholecystectomy!

Have you been working on your dexterity?

Well, I've been playing a little John Madden Football on my X-Box...

I'd like to play John Madden Football... on _her_ x-box

On who, Todd? There are no women here

Well, it's still funny!

The Todd here used to be our number one lap-chole guy. But the torch has been passed

Thank you, sir!

Dude! Yo, wait till you hear this!

Dr. Wen just said that I'm their number one lap-chole guy now!

Disappointed?

I shoulda waited till there was a chick around to make that "x-box" joke, you know?

He knows...

I was excited for Turk. And, God bless him, he was excited about my big hair news!

New wax did that?

I couldn't believe it either!

New wax did that?

I couldn't believe it either!

Oh

Ye-oh, sorry about the girl talk

Oh, that's fine. We were talking man talk... you know... Really big trucks...

Solo-Flex... Have you seen these lately? Sweat

Your hair smells like Elliot's

Well, your breath smells like chimichangas!

Is that racist?

That depends Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?

Maybe...

I think what Carla really smelled was all the excitement in the air.

See, there's a visiting professor coming today who's both a medical attending and a surgeon.

_Two_ specialties, and to us that kinda makes him...

...Super-Doc!

...Super-Doc!

Dammit!

...Fine. A super-doc with obsessive-compulsive disorder

Okay, okay. How hard can it be for me to step in here, left foot first and simultaneously exhale as my right foot plants? How hard?

Not that hard?

Exactly!... Shaved-head guy

Whose hair smells like lilacs?

Hers

And his

Huh?

That's very pretty

And deeply disturbing

The jar said unisex

I know

_Unisex_

I know

Dammit!

Scrubs. s0e12: My Catalyst

synchro: David Durrenberger

www. koubis. com

Dr. Kevin Casey... Dr. Kevin Casey...

you know, at my hospital, they don't make you sign forms if you wanna cut open sick people

you just have to bring your own... knifey thingie...

"Scalpel"

That's the word! Dr. Kevin Casey...

Why do you keep saying your name?

Oh, it just keeps me from losing my, uh... jinkies later, thinking I forgot something

Okay...

Dr. Kevin Casey... Dr. Kevin Casey

It's okay, you can say it

It's just that you're... you're a doctor with pretty severe OCD

It's not a secret

I know. I always talk like this

You're gonna have a hard time keeping that up the whole month I'm here

I can do it!

I believe in you!

Kevin Casey? Holy cow, get outta Dodge! Te-tell me this, are you-are ya shaking hands nowadays?

Well, a lifetime of therapy... and a... whole lotta Zoloft... just so I can appropriately greet you, big guy!

Atta boy!

I do have a two-second limit

Boy, who doesn't!

You realize I haven't laid eyes on you since we were residents together? And I'll tell you this, big Kev-o, I always knew I'd see ya again

Boy, I never thought I'd see that guy again!

I mean, he had to drop out of our residency class because of the God-awful severity of his condition!

I can't imagine you as a resident

Hey, Coxy!

Shut up, jackass! I rock!

Was the blond hair and the earring 'cause you were in a rock band or 'cause you loved pirates?

What?

Loved pirates! Just like me!

I _don't_ want a piece

Well you're the only one. Okay?

Doctor Cox I'm'unna take you out for a beer tonight.

I want to hear all the stories about what my mentor was like as a newbie

Look, Pink, for the billionth time, no, I will not go out for a beer with you.

Now repeat after me: Dr. Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor.

Dr. Cox, you are not now, nor will you ever be, my mentor

YES!

That oughtta keep those damn crows from crapping on my car all the time

I doubt they'll be back, sir. You know, unless someone who comes up here every day,

trying to find the courage the jump, passes the time by throwing birdseed on your car's hood

Stop babbling, Ted. No one's ever listening

Oh, by the way, the Italian gentlemen that haul our medical waste away called

and said if we don't stop putting our regular trash in with the medical loads, they're gonna charge us double

My new associate Randall and I can get rid of that garbage for you

What the hell are you two doing here?

We come up here on our breaks to wrestle

And drink beer

Only the winner drinks beer

How much to make the garbage go away?

Say... twenty bucks a month?

Twenty-three bucks a month?

Deal!

Sir, those darn birds are back

Dr. Kevin Casey...

I have to say it was amazing watching Dr. Casey work

All right, Carol, let's just put it out there

you've got Lupus. But instead of dwelling on the negative, let's look at the positive signs, okay?

Your, uh, pericarditis is resolving, your renal function is good

Suicidal scavenger birds also an excellent sign, right Doctor?

It's a great sign

Okie-dokie, artichokie

You are unflappable!

It's true - I can't be flapped

I'm more skittish

Yeah, you know, you're like a big squirrel

I wish a was a swashbuckling doctor. You know... like a pirate

Enough about pirates! Wait until you know him better

Ahoy, there

You going to the, uh... O.Arrr? Heh

I said enough!

You know, I couldn't have survived in medicine if I didn't embrace my OCD. And since I was compulsive anyway, you know

I- I read the same text books over and over, I, uh, I went through the procedures over and over,

I imagined every worst-case scenario over and over and over and over and over and over and over

Dr. Casey

- and over and over and over-

Dr. Casey!

Dr. Kevin Casey Oh Thank you

Yeah

Even though my crazy brain made me do those things, it's still the best advice I can give to any young doctor:

Expect the unexpected and you will never be surprised

It's weird, after one day it already felt like he was the type of mentor I always wished Dr. Cox would be.

Still, I've gotta stay cool; I know I'm prone to hero worship

Man, the surgeon in me is antsy

I need to cut somebody up

Thanks for volunteering. I'm not really that strong on the brain

I think this is the language center

Really? 'Cause I don't feel the

daaaaaaaiiiiiioooooooowwww... heh-heh-how cool is thaaaat!

And this is the foreign language center

Impossible! Je ne parle Fran�ais!

The cow says... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The sheep says... BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Ladies and gentlemen, Macaulay Culkin...

The French would help with the ladies...

Dr. Wen! Can I ask you a question? Was my time on the lap-chole even faster than yours?

Yes, it was

Because some of the guys were saying I totally kicked your ass

and I wanted them to shut up, you know if it wasn't true, but since it is, I'll just let it go.

What?

If there is one thing I've learned at this hospital, it's that you should never antagonize your boss

or the people that make the food, because either way you end up eating poo. Hear it, learn it, live it. Huh?

Elliot, I can do whatever I want. Because these... are magic!

These? Are gonna take me wherever I wanna go in life

Thanks to these! I'm king of the world, baby! Can you feel it!? Gimme your pudding!

Domo arigato! (note : mean 'thanks' in japanese)

Pay up

Already?

You can look around all you want, you won't find any garbage! Let's see them twenty-three squids!

It's all here

So, come on, what'd you do with all the garbage?

That's not part of the deal

Randall. You, me, on the roof, winner takes all

You never learn, do you?

Jam'on

You know, Carla, I gotta say your-your makeup today does not in any way make you look like a desperate bowling alley prostitute

What's with the sweet talk?

Oh, maybe Kevin being here is making me regress. I mean, you realize that back when I was a resident, I was a kind lad

You get out

I know. But soon enough I established myself as the best damn doctor that ever roamed around these filthy halls

which is a curse, actually, because now I'm expected to make eye contact with every insult to medicine that comes into this dump

Here's that CT scan you ordered!

Thank. You

Eye contact! He respects me!

What the hell!? He's anemic and he has bone fractures, yet there's no sign of leukemia

Don't tell me The Great One is stumped!

No. It's just that this is not exactly the kind of thing that you stick your head in on and figure out

He's got Gaucher's disease

I beg your pardon?

I took the liberty of testing his blood for deficiency of beta-glucosidase

Ohhh! I just sent out for one of those!

No you didn't!

Uh-shh!

Well, you know, I-I mean, I never would've have figured it out if you hadn't done the grunt work

You know, it's like a jar of pickles: you loosened the lid and - pop! - I took it off

Dr. Kevin Casey..

See ya

Luckily for Kevin, he was getting the chance to meet everyone around here

See, the reason the X-Box joke should work is that "x-box" is like the perfect word for a girl's party zone!

Uh... "The Todd", is it?

Oh, yeah

Can you go make a very important phone call for me?

To who?

To anyone

Makin' a phone call!

Hey, Dr. Casey, do you mind if I scrub in on the lap-chole you're doing this afternoon?

Okay, I'll see you at four

Cool trick

Yeah, you should try it. It's good for dexterity, concentration... and convincing single women you're a power-dork

You know, I'm really looking forward to seeing you in action, sir. It takes a lot to make the big dog sit up and take notice. Heh.

I believe the word you're looking for is "holy crap"

Holy crap!

I'm sorry, J.D., I just don't think pirates are cool

Well then you're not cool, Doug!

J.D., do you wanna get a beer tonight?

Do chickens wish they could fly?

I have no idea.

I like to think they do

So do I

Okay, class! We have a guest with us at rounds today, happens to be an old friend of yours truly

so let's all go out of our way to treat him with the respect he deserves. Nnnnnnnn'kay?

Hey, gang. My name is Dr. Kevin Cas-

Anyway! I thought we'd change things up a little bit today - instead of me firing questions at you

I'd like to see you all scurry away and get your text books. And when you get back, you actually get to quiz us

A little harmless competition, if my colleague here will consent to it?

I'm sorry; are you done with the speechifying?

I'm kidding, you frightening bastard!

Oh-ho-hokay

buddy-buddy-buddy! Oh! Buddy-buddy-buddy-buddy-buddy!

GO GET YOUR BOOKS!

Try not to touch me as much

Fair enough

Now look, security said your van hasn't left the premises So I demand to know where all the trash is going

...Away

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the grocer when it was my turn to bring the deli spread to Hank Weinberg's poker night

This better be kosher. Otherwise, it's not just Ted who's gonna pay for it.

If people keep pushing me for no reason, I swear I will hurl myself off this building!

I'm not cleaning you up

Arm

Mark my words! If one more person is mean to me for no reason, I'll do it!

Shut up, bozo

One more person. She didn't know the rules

Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! One of you minions spit out another question, will ya! Yo! Nervous Guy-

- now I don't care how many times your little prepubescent voice cracks. Hit me, baby!

Okay... Wh-what is the demyelinating CNS disorder associated with the JC virus?

Progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy. Snore! Back to you, there, half-pint.

Yeah, short jokes are a sign of desperation, my friend

Amen, brother

Uh... ... uh... uh... over... here!

Uh, yes... blonde girl... You have yet _another_ question?

Um, what is the pathologic abnormality causing Bernard-Soulier disease?

Absence of von Willebrand receptors

Uh, listen, I hate to be childish about this, but I have to, uh... "make".

And for me that involves driving home and scrubbing the toilet seat several times with industrial-strength cleanser

So, if we could just call this a tie...?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ties are for sissies. Speaking of which, Newbie?

You have been uncharacteristically quiet

I don't know why it popped into my head...

You really had trouble with metabolic diseases?

Noo... I'm a good doctor

...but I knew I had him

My question is concerning metabolic diseases

Oh, yes

What is the inborn error of metabolism characterized by angiokeratomas? Please?

Okay, first I think that we should... we should go over the rules

Because, you see, if by some freak of nature I'm not able to answer a question,

then old Kev-Kev here cannot be declared the winner unless he can provide the answer for said question

Otherwise we're just going back and forth, back an-

Fabry's Disease. Page two thousand, ninety-eight of Harrison's Guide to Internal Medicine. It's a fun game, but I-I, uh, I'll be back in 48 minutes

It's funny how one person can shake another's foundation to the core

Half the time, the guy doesn't even know he did it!

Watching Dr. Casey's procedure again?

He's so fast

Yep. He's out of our league

Funnier still how the same guy could be the mentor I've always been looking for

Nice place. It's got that-that great... vomit and peanut smell

Yeah... Reminds me of my first girlfriend. She was a carnie

You know, I'm always trying to get Cox to come out and get a beer with me - he never does

Hey, you're not one of those guys who carries around pictures of him and his attending, are you?

Ahhhh, perfect!

Well, I don't carry anything around...

Good. 'Cause you know, those-those losers who've been practicing medicine for three years

but are still looking for some kind of mentor to pat 'em on the back are just... pathetic, you know what I mean?

Totally

Yep. It's funny what one person can do

Aw, okay, I'm gonna need another beer

None of us slept last night. How I know that is irrelevant

What does matter is I think we formed a special bond because of it

Stop looking at me or die

What's worse is that the guy who caused it thinks we're his best friends

Morning, fellas!

Whatta say there, Kev

All right, all six of your butt cheeks just, uh, tightened up

Someone around here pissing you guys off? 'Cause I will give 'em some attitude

Uhhh... That guy!

Hey, Hair Club! That suit, that come with the flop sweat?

You can do this, Theodore! Take as much time as you need

Okay... Here we go, baby

I just don't understand why this guy bothers him so much

Carla, Perry is a dysfunctional, unsuccessful, emotionally-damaged old man! No offense, sweetie

None taken

Being the best doctor here is the only thing he had to hang his hat on

Listen, just because we have a child together doesn't necessarily mean you know me, mmm'kay, princess? Watch and learn

Say, Kev-Kev? Would you love to come and join us?

Oh, thanks

Um, what's up with the oatmeal today?

Too much milk

Not enough butter

That's it!

Did you just diagnose the oatmeal? You can't just go and diagnose the oatmeal

He just did. Kevin, are you single?

Yeah. Why, are you?

I'm thinking about it

Heh. Yeah, me too

What-what in the hell... just happened? Just... J-What just happened!?

Okay, I've removed the gallbladder, sealed the vessels, aaaand time!

Oh, my God! You can't even beat Dr. Kevin Casey's lap-chole time when you're _imagining_ it!

So! I could be just as fast if I was like him and practiced over and over again on a simulator

Yeah... but you don't

Yeah, well I could spend my spare time doing stupid hand exercises!

I know... but you don't

Yeah, well, I could-

You don't

But-

Don't!

Could you enjoy this any less?

Because of theeeeeeeese! I don't think I can

In! Gallbladder! Out! Done!

Four seconds! A new record! World record!

Look, I did my psych rotation, okay?

I know my father abandoning us and only showing up in my life

when he needs a place to sleep or a free prostate exam is probably gonna be an issue

I get it. But it's not like I'm looking for a-a mentor...

I just want a little validation. It's like when Kelso gave you a cupcake 'cause you went four days without killing a patient

That was awesome

You know!

I've always felt like Doug understood me. It's weird; after knowing him for three years

I suddenly realized he was the type of mentor I always wished Dr. Cox would be

Wait!

Doug, get the hell outta here!

Okay

I think when rational men are forced to face their shortcomings they all do the same thing: Blame Kevin Casey!

Who gave him the right to judge me? 'Cause I sure didn't! I'll give him a piece of my mind!

See how he likes it! Unfortunately no one knew where the son of a bitch was!

Dr. Dorian! I'm far too irritable right now to pretend I don't hate you, so let's cut to the chase

If you know where all the garbage in this hospital is going, I'll give you... eight dollars

Sorry, sir

Thanks!

Huh?

Dr. Kelso?

What?

The crows are back. They're making your pimp-mobile look like SpinArt

Dammit!

It's just one step. Come on, already! Aww, who'm I kidding?

You did it, Teddy! It's over! Here comes sweet relief!

Is this heaven?

It's garbage

Way to cost us a cherry gig, bra

Wha?

I want my money back! And Ted! Shower and get back to work!

You know, if you try that around the corner, you can land right in the street

Found him! Brace yourself, mister! You're about to get an earful! J.D. style!

Hey, buddy

Hey... hey... Uh, give-give me a minute, will you?

No, Kevin, I have to talk to you _right_ _now_

DAMMIT!

Later's cool too

I'm sorry. I just, I... Look, I spent the last few days meeting new people and...

trying to get used to this place, and I'm stressed and I'm fried...

...and I just want to go home...

But here's the punchline: even though my last surgery was two hours ago

I can't stop washing my damn hands

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

I'm sorry...

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look... this is a weak moment

Nobody's supposed to see this.

And, uh, mark my words, I'll clean up the soap. ... Probably several thousand times.

Everyone's got their own burdens, J.D.

and I'm not gonna be one of those people that dumps mine on somebody else. Now whatta you need?

Nothing

None of us needed anything

I think owning your burdens is half the battle

Turk knows that he'll eventually have to decide what his priorities really are...

Baby. Come to bed

And Dr. Cox knows he has to find something else to hang his hat on

You, my friend, are going to be the best baseball player in the world

Which will make me the best baseball player in the world's father

Can't you hear it, Jack? Can't you hear it?

Still, it's not that daunting if you look around and see what other people have to deal with

Goodnight, Dr. Casey

'Night, J.D.

song: Coldplay's "Everything's Not Lost"

synchro: David Durrenberger