Original subtitles

Who has ever used a glow stick?

Who has ever wondered about the science behind a glow stick?

Well, I'm gonna teach it anyway.

Oh. Derby? You actually have a question?

Yeah. Who's that guy?

Huh. I guess I kind of get

how being a kid teacher is impressive,

but a grown man high-school student?

That's just sad.

Hey! What's sad about it?

He's not a student.

He's a television writer here to observe me.

He thought a sitcom about a kid teacher

might make a good TV show.

[kids snickering]

Puh-leaze!

How many stories can you squeeze out of that weak premise?

By season three,

you'll be relying on the arrival of outside characters,

like a hacky TV writer coming to observe the kid teacher.

Well, it doesn't matter.

We're here to learn about chemiluminescence...

which is way more exciting than some showbiz bigwig, right?

Right?

[click]

A show about a kid teacher? I can't picture it.

I mean, what would the opening title sequence even look like?

? Goodbye, summer, hello, fall ?

? We've been trying to get here ?

? Since we both Were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you callin' kid? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Can call me what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word ?

? Where I am here ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

[Adam] Chemiluminescence is achieved

when diphenyl oxalate reacts with hydrogen peroxide.

See? That is some boring TV.

I'm your show!

Picture me in a downtown apartment.

And are you ready for the twist?

I have a roommate.

And there's a twist on the twist!

We're nothing alike.

["Odd Couple" intro plays]

The girls'll be here any minute.

Hurry up and get out here!

[Adam] Why are you yelling?

I'm standing right next to you.

[jazzy theme plays]

- [knocking on door] - [Adam] Oh, no. They're here.

I'm so nervous, I have goosebumps.

Or as I call them... Bumps.

You're so uptight. What's gotten into you?

[plop!]

Oh, that.

Wait a second. You're not even female.

Just open the door!

[Jersey accent] Hi! We're the Pigeon Sisters.

[Adam] Please, come in. Help yourself to some birdseed.

[Echo] Thank you. I am feeling a bit peckish.

Looks like we found our perfect matches.

I don't want to ruffle your feathers, but what say I ruffle your feathers?

[pigeon giggles]

So... you're a goose.

Any relation to Mother goose?

[dryly] She's my mother.

[gasp]

I love her stories!

But I always fall asleep before the end.

I'm just gonna assume

Jack and Jill got that pail of water without incident.

[Adam] Derby, can you come give me a hand with the snacks?

Since you're the one with the hands?

Derby, this date is a disaster!

What are you talking about? It's going great.

Every time my date opens her mouth, I can feel my I.Q. Dropping.

Soon, I'll be as dumb as a duck!

Wait. You're not a duck?

I'm just going to kick her out.

If you kick her out, my date will leave.

Well, that's your problem.

You know what your problem is?

You're too short to reach the doorknob.

Now, where were we?

I believe I had you eating out of the palm of my hand.

Hey! Where's my tall drink of water?

The goose said he'd get me one.

He's... In the kitchen. I'll go get him.

Here I am. The goose.

Not a duck, apparently.

Aw! I missed you, sweetie.

[Echo] Where's my sweetie? I'll go find him.

No, no. Don't you lift a feather. I'll go get him.

[zipper zips]

There you are, Derby! Where were we?

I believe we were at... "Where were we?"

Where's that silly goose?

I'll go get him.

There's my lucky duck!

Would you make up your mind? Am I a goose or a duck?

Wow. You've changed.

[deeper voice] No, I haven't.

I've been either a goose or duck my whole life.

[Echo] Is something going on here?

Where's Derby?

I'll go get him!

[zipper zips]

I see what's going on here!

You're half-man, half-goose.

[cheesy soundtrack plays]

And I think this experiment will get a "glowing" review from all of you.

[Adam chuckles, sighs]

Echo? You have a question?

Yes. For the writer.

You should base a show on my life.

Oh, you mean, like, when you and I are married?

A romantic comedy

about a brilliant scientist and his beautiful, loving wife?

No.

I mean, like after we break up, and I move to Paris to find true love.

[accordion plays]

Monsieur le boss, check it out.

I thought the Louvre could raise some money to buy some newer art

if we sold t-shirts.

I put one on that mannequin.

"Louvre is in the air."

Zat is not a mannequin!

Zat is one of zee world's most famous sculptures,

zee Venus de Meelo.

Isn't it pronounced "Mi-lo?"

I pronounce it "Meelo."

Zee point is, you have disgraced this museum for zee last time!

I have no choice but to relieve you of your duties.

You won't be needing ziss anymore.

Or ziss!

Hey! That beret's not part of my uniform.

I know, but it is clich�.

Now get out!

Please, monsieur le boss! I came to Paris to find true love.

If I lose this job, I'll be forced to move home

and settle into a loveless marriage with a science teacher.

Le yikes!

All right, you have one more chance.

But if you cause even zee teeniest, tiniest problem,

you'll be out on your derriere!

Pardon my French.

[accordion plays]

I wonder if this feather-duster is made from goose or duck?

[thick accent] Neither.

Eet eez made from feathers.

I have never seen anything so exquisitely beautiful.

[giggling]

I think you're cute, too.

One might even say "Louvre is in the air."

One might also say "Je suis avec stupide."

I don't know what that means... but it sounds so romantic!

[thick accent] Museum security coming through!

Miz Echo, you must be on zee lookout.

There are reports of a thief on zee loose.

He has struck every museum in Europe...

And zee t-shirt shop down the street.

Not now!

I'm trying to talk to...

Where'd he go?

Beats me.

Some people are just good at sneaking in and out of places.

Anyway, if you see anyone who could be the thief...

let me know.

You must look... everywhere.

Waaah!

Even on zee floor.

Nope.

Nothing here.

Great! I just lost my chance at true love.

Arrrgh!

And probably my job.

[Monsieur Tater] I am about to enter zee room.

Unexpectedly!

At zee worst possible moment...

to make sure none of zee famous paintings have been...

defaced.

I have entered zee room.

I don't know what took me so long.

Hmm.

Some-zing about ziss painting looks familiar.

[chuckles] Oh, yes, zat is right.

It is zee Mona Lisa,

zee most famous painting in zee world.

Well, since everything is fine here...

[loudly] I am about to enter zee next room.

Unexpectedly.

That was close. Now to get out of here.

[Dang] I must guard zese paintings all night

with that thief on zee loose!

Funny how, even when no one is around,

I don't speak French, my native language.

Aaaaah!

Now what am I going to do?

I will not rest until my job is done.

Even though it is past my bedtime.

That's it! I'll lull him to sleep.

? Fr�re Jacques, Fr�re Jacques ?

? Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous? ?

? Something-something something ?

? Something something-something ?

? Ding, dang... ?

- [normal voice] You called? - Aaaaah!

Dang! You're supposed to be playing the bumbling French security guard!

I am.

[snoring]

He's asleep. Time to sneak out.

Oh, no! It's the museum-slash- t-shirt-shop thief!

And, unexpectedly,

it's the only non-museum employee with a speaking role.

[action theme plays]

[French accent] It is breathtaking.

Quite simply zee most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I must have it.

And Europe's most infamous art-frame thief strikes again.

[upbeat accordion theme plays]

[Monsieur Tater] Whooo!

[chair clattering]

Zee art-frame thief has struck again!

And this time, he stole zee painting, too.

Stra-a-a-ahnge.

Well... [ahem] that's what happened.

Okay, class, let's get going...

Or should I say, "let's get... glowing?"

[chuckles]

I heard there was someone from Hollywood here.

Yeah. He's a writer.

Oh.

Well, I guess I could pitch him my show idea.

[sultry jazz plays]

I need your help!

You've come to the right place. I'm Private Ivy... P.I.

[fanfare plays]

I want to hire you. My husband has been murdered.

Oh. I don't do murders.

For that, you need a private investigator.

You're not a private investigator? Then what does the "P.I." stand for?

"Private Ivy."

[fanfare plays]

Okay. Well, I guess I'll go.

Not so fast!

I know a criminal when I see one.

[gasps] How did you know I murdered my science teacher husband?

In my defense, it was a loveless marriage.

I told you, I don't do murders. But this... Is unforgivable!

A cheetah-print skirt with a zebra-print clutch?

You never wear predator with prey!

But that's not a crime.

Yes, it is. A crime against fashion.

I am taking you downtown.

To the mall! We'll pick you out some cute stuff!

So, we're good on the murder, right?

[voice echoing] I'd gotten an anonymous tip

that there was a fashion faux pas going down in a high school

that takes place in a world unlike any I've ever seen.

Who are you talking to?

No one. This is my inner monologue.

Why was this middle-aged student so confused?

And what was he wearing?

It's a burlap sack. Burlap is back.

It was never in.

Who did this to you?

Well, if it isn't Private Ivy-Private Ivy.

Sergeant Byrne! What are you doing here?

I was just about to ask the exact same thing!

In fact, Sergeant Byrne, what are you doing here?

I'm here to tell Private Ivy-Private Ivy to get off my turf!

Fine. I'll go.

But only because your accessories disgust me.

I hadn't fully left the scene when I discovered something mysterious.

What was it?

Burlap.

It was burlap!

There's some more over here. You might want to see where it leads.

A voice outside my head told me I should see where it leads.

Here you go. First one's free.

You!

All right! You got me.

I wasn't making enough money on the beat.

A sergeant's salary is not what it once was...

it's more.

But it's still not enough!

So I knocked over a burlap sack factory.

And when the security guard confronted me, I murdered him.

Aw, there's a murder?

Solving murders is more your thing.

Good luck catching that killer. Sounds like a tough case!

[show theme plays]

While you three were pitching your show ideas,

everyone else was admiring these glowing beakers.

- When did those get here? - When did you get here?

It's going to be cooler with the lights off.

You have to be careful handing chemicals like these...

- [Ivy] Hey! - [Adam] Wh...

[thud! glass shatters, liquid splashes]

[Adam] It's okay. I've got a towel around here somewhere.

[Derby] That's not a towel. You grabbed someone's chest.

[Adam] Oh, I'm so sorry, Echo.

[Echo] It wasn't me.

- [Slab] It was me. - [Adam] Whoaa!

[beakers shattering]

[click]

I get that you made a mistake... but why did you linger?

[man] That's it!

That's the show!

You're really going to make a show about him?

No! I am gonna make a show about me.

All kinds of freaks and losers are always coming up to me

pitching their lousy show ideas.

It's hilarious!

You could even show snippets of their stupid ideas.

Do, like, three in half-an-hour.

I could go almost an entire episode without saying a word.

This is gold!

I told you, I have my idea.

Yeah, but you don't have my idea.

I play a mild-mannered high-school principal,

who turns into an even milder-mannered superhero.

[dramatic soundtrack plays]

[shrieks!] Oh, No1

There's a construction worker dangling from that crane!

This looks like a job for...

[rip!]

The Hesi-Tater!

Although, it really is more of a job for the fire department.

It's awfully high up.

Plus, I really should have mommy mend my sweater-vest.

[man shrieking]

That's a terrible idea!

You should do a show about me as a teacher,

juggling her career and her newborn triplets,

while trying to fend off a mid-life crisis.

Mid-life?

Mid?

Who has heard of the War of 18...

[triplets bawling]

Looks like someone needs their diaper changed.

Me!

[jazzy theme plays]

It's very topical. In fact, it's happening right now.

- You should hear about my show! - Ahh!

Who would win a race between Professor Vortex and Mr. Marvelous?

Well, I would need to know the exact latitude and longitude

of their start point,

as well as the barometric pressure, and the precise time of day.

What does that have to do with anything?

Mr. Marvelous is not a morning person.

[knock on door]

Oh... that must be that attractive babe who lives across the hall.

Come in.

Hey, guys!

[Dangs] Hey.

That all sounds great, but I've gotta run.

[traffic zooming]

That car's headed straight for him!

This looks like a job for...

[car accelerating]

[rip!]

the Hesi-Tater!

Though, he is pretty far away.

And I'm not wearing good shoes for running, plus...

[horn blaring, tires screeching]

[crash!]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0