Original subtitles

Thanks for going jogging with me, Adam.

No problem. I love jogging.

Why do you think I own this jogging outfit?

It's not like I dug it out of my grandfather's armoire

after you called and invited me jogging and I looked up what jogging was.

Well, I'm glad we're doing it in here.

If I've learned one thing from police procedural shows,

it's that outside, joggers always find dead bodies.

Uggh! [thud!]

It's Mrs. Straupersson! The geography teacher!

And she's lying in a pool of her own hay!

She has no pulse.

Because she's a scarecrow.

On a separate matter, she's dead.

[shrieks]

I understand, Echo. Seeing a dead body can be unnerving.

It's not that body! It's yours.

Please... get some longer shorts!

? Goodbye, summer, hello, fall ?

? We've been trying to get here ?

? Since we both Were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you callin' kid? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Can call me what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word ?

? Where I am here ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

[Echo] Wait!

She may be gone,

but at least we can take some comfort

in knowing that I can

finally fix this jacket.

She'll always be with us.

Well, when you're wearing that jacket.

Whoo. That was rough.

I know. I already told Adam to put on some longer shorts.

Not that. I had to break the news to Straupersson's family.

They were so shocked,

they couldn't even say anything.

They just stood there, staring at me.

Nothing in principal school prepares you for that.

Or for anything, really.

Look at this place!

Straw stains are nearly impossible to get out.

Oh! I was wrong.

Someone needs to pay for this.

I will not rest until I find Mrs. Straupersson's killer!

Hey, everyone.

Oh, thank goodness. I was getting really tired.

If you need me, I'll be resting in my office.

Can't... make it.

Ivy?

You killed Mrs. Straupersson?

What? No!

Then explain why you're covered in hay.

Whoo!

[thinking] I can't tell them I'm taking square-dancing lessons.

It's too embarrassing!

I'm dating a horse.

Nice try, missy.

We know that you and Chattanooga Charlie broke up.

You know, we could hold a student court and put Ivy on trial.

Great idea.

We just need to find someone super-smart to be the judge.

Derby! You want to be a judge?

Of what?

This year's Miss Bikini contest?

No! Of student court.

Oh. Will everyone be wearing bikinis?

Well, I can't speak for everyone, but...

I'm game!

You know who should be the judge?

Echo? Dang? Mr. Straupersson?

The Strauperssons' dog? Ivy?

Ivy's the prime suspect.

Who better to know if she's guilty?

I should be the judge!

I'm smart. Impartial.

I have a robe.

Ooh. Could I borrow it?

I'm going to be awfully chilly in my bikini.

[dramatic soundtrack plays]

This isn't fair! You can't punish me without a trial!

You haven't been punished yet.

Uh, hello? I'm wearing orange!

And my accessories are a little matchy-matchy.

Don't worry, Ivy. You've got me as your lawyer.

A kid lawyer?

Sounds like the premise of some implausible sitcom.

Trust me. I'm your man.

No one gets away with more stuff than me.

Isn't that right, you bald fart-clown?

Hey. You can't call me that.

- It wasn't me! - All right, then.

All rise.

[sighs]

The honorable Judge Young presiding.

"Judge Young"?

Sounds like the name of some implausible sitcom.

You may be seated.

Finally.

Let's begin with opening arguments.

[courtroom bickering]

[gavel raps]

Thank you.

Mr. Tater, call your first witness.

I call to the stand... Dang.

- You called... - Aaaaah!

Me to the stand?

Dang, have you ever witnessed

Ivy and Mrs. Straupersson not getting along?

Yes.

Yesterday, in fact.

[gasp, gavel raps]

Please hold all your gasps to the end.

I was cleaning up after school when I overheard

the two of them arguing in Mrs. Straupersson's class.

Ivy was all, "I don't want to do this assignment."

and Mrs. Straupersson was all...

So, Ivy murdered Mrs. Straupersson

to get out of doing her geography assignment?

It was an impossible assignment! The questions were about made-up places!

Like "New Zealand."

New Zealand is a real place.

Oh, yeah? Then why is there no "Zealand"?

Actually, there's a town called Zealand in New Brunswick.

Yeah, but there's no "Brunswick."

Yes, there is. Brunswick is a town in New England.

Aha! Then explain why there's no England.

Ach! She got us!

Derby? Your witness.

I call to the stand Dang.

- I am already here. - Aaaah!

You weren't born in this country, were you, Dang?

[Eastern soundtrack plays]

[speaking Vietnamese]

[plop!]

[baby cries]

[parents shriek]

No, I was born in Vietnam. But what difference does it make?

You claim to have overheard an argument.

But you don't speak English as goodly

as us personites who did am be born in this countryland, does you?

I do not understand what you are saying.

Case cozily.

Mr. Tater, call your next witness.

Right away, your honor.

[ringing]

[ringing]

Hello?

It's Mr. Tater calling...

you to the stand.

I object! He's the judge.

I'm going to allow it.

I want to hear what this bright young man has to say.

Mr. Young...

I've called you to the stand as an expert witness

to give scientific testimony.

I would've called a real science expert,

but Mr. Hodsden, the gym teacher, is at his psychic.

These fibers were found on the defendant Ivy Young.

Can you confirm or deny...

but really confirm...

that this is straw?

Yes, I can.

There is a highly scientific test

to determine if a substance is, in fact, straw.

Yep! This is straw, y'all.

No further questions.

So you're a "science" expert?

Why have I never heard of this "science?"

Because you always sleep through my class.

I am not the one on trial here!

Okay.

You claim... that this is straw.

Then why can't I use it

to drink any of this... frosty lemonade?

Objection!

I stole Derby's lunch earlier.

That lemonade should be mine.

Sustained.

Call your next witness.

I call Mrs. Byrne.

[sultry soundtrack plays]

[husky voice] I was hoping you'd call.

I wish justice really was blind.

What can I do for you, big boy?

Mrs. Byr... [voice cracks] Ahem.

Mrs. Byrne, do you remember seeing anything suspicious

after school yesterday?

No.

Do you remember where you were yesterday after school?

No.

Do you know where you are now?

No.

Is there anything you'd like to add?

Yes. Whipped topping.

It makes everything better.

No more questions.

I think we should take a short recess.

Next, I'd like to call Principal Tater to the stand.

Your honor? Permission to gasp?

- Granted. - [gasps]

I am going to show that the defendant

has exhibited a pattern of disrespect to authority.

That's not true, you bald loser!

[shrieks] She's going to murder me!

All she did was call you a bald loser.

Everyone knows name-calling is a stepping stone to... murder!

Is there a point to this? So she called him a bald loser one time.

I wouldn't call that a pattern.

I would. Male pattern... baldness!

Zinger! High-five.

[whispers] Not the time.

I would like to read this list of things Ivy has called me.

Go ahead.

[clears throat]

Baldy... Baldman, Baldy Balderson...

Baldy McBaldybald...

Rabbi Baldy Baldstein,

Admiral Baldy of the S.S. Baldwin,

Baldylocks and the Three Balds,

Baldy the Clown, Baldo Baggins,

"Where's Baldo?"

the Belle of the Bald,

the Bald and the Not-at-all-Beautiful...

Baldenstein...

the Bride of Baldenstein...

the Fresh Prince of Bald Hair,

Prima Balderina,

Dudvig von Baldthoven,

Lucille Bald,

Unhairy Baldafonte...

Baldman the Dork Knight...

and high school principal.

Would the court reporter please read back the transcript?

Baldy, Baldman,

Baldy Balderson, Baldy McBaldybald...

Objection! What is the point of this?

It's funny.

Uh... Fine. Derby, your witness.

My client admits that she called you those things,

but that's not proof she's a murderer.

It's proof that, A, you're bald...

and B, she recognizes that you're bald.

You just want Ivy in prison because she was mean to you.

She called me...

"high school principal."

- How would you like to be called that? - I would not.

But that's no reason to lock this innocent girl away

with hundreds of the most depraved, naughty, unredeemable girls.

Wait a second.

I did it!

I killed Mrs. Straupersson! Put me in girl prison.

You would have to go to dude prison, with other dudes.

Oh.

Then I did not do it.

It was probably Ivy.

Derby!

You're supposed to be proving to these people

that I would never hurt anyone!

Prosecution rests.

[Tater sighs]

What should we do? Everyone thinks I'm a murderer!

Great! Then I've done my job.

Derby! You're supposed to be defending me.

What? But you're guilty.

Okay, okay.

I call to the stand...

Echo Zizzleswift.

Ms. Zizzleswift,

I have subpoenaed you to be a character witness.

Okay. What character would you like?

The smalltown girl who moves to the big city?

[gasp] Gee, golly whiz!

There sure are a lot of big, tall buildings around here.

The washed-up policeman who's needed back on the force?

I'm no good to anyone no more.

I get the jitters ever since I saw what those animals did

to that smalltown girl who moved to the big city.

The old Irishman who feels like his neighborhood

is being overrun by those filthy...

Okay! No.

He meant character witness, as in talking about Ivy.

Oh.

Echo, you're on the cheerleading squad with Ivy, right?

- Yes. - Do you think she's capable of murder?

Yes.

The former head cheerleader has been missing for three months.

She's not missing! I know exactly where I left her.

I mean, where she went on vacation.

I have some questions for this witness.

This "cheerleading" you speak of... did you bring the uniform?

"Did you... bring the uniform?

Judge Young stares at witness creepily."

I just think you need to prove to the court

that you are really a cheerleader.

Well, I guess I could do a cheer. Here's one Ivy wrote last week.

A homework assignment? Could this day worsen?

If I have to do it, I'm going to kill Straupersson!

Give me a K!

K!

- Give me an I! - I!

- Give me an L! - L!

- Give me another L! - L!

- Give me a knife! - Knife!

Or maybe a big rock!

Rock!

I have no questions for this witness.

This looks bad.

Objection.

This looks good.

Any lawyer in their right mind would never do what I'm about to do.

But I'm not any lawyer.

Seriously, I'm not a lawyer.

I call Ivy Young to the stand.

I only have one question for you.

Did you kill Mrs. Straupersson?

Of course not!

If I had, there'd be no body.

You'd all just think she's on a long vacation.

Well, what do you have to say

to all these people who think you got rid of her

to avoid doing homework?

I'd say they're wrong... Because I did the assignment.

I'd like to enter this into evidence.

Echo...

please mark this assignment "Exhibit D"...

minus.

Why am I marking this assignment? I'm not a kid teacher.

Though that does sound like the premise of a hilarious sitcom.

If you really did do your homework, then...

she should be able to answer a few simple geography questions.

- Uh... sure. - Question one.

If Antarctica is in the southern hemisphere,

what's in the northern hemisphere?

Uncle Arctica?

Question two.

In what country would you find the Great Wall of China?

Trick question!

You would never make a great wall out of china,

because it would break easily and probably not fit in the dishwasher.

So she knew those ones.

I've heard enough! I'm ready to make my ruling.

Wait! I have one more witness.

I call Mrs. Straupersson to the stand!

What?

[dramatic fanfare plays]

[courtroom murmuring]

That's right.

Mrs. Straupersson is alive...

which means that there was no murder, and my client is innocent.

Well, I guess this becomes an attempted-murder trial now.

Ooh... That's a thing?

Ivy, I'm afraid I have no choice but to find you...

guilty!

This trial is over. You're free to gasp.

[gasp]... [gasp]... [gasp]... [gasp]

[gasp]... [gasp]

[all] Aaaaah!

Ivy, as your punishment, you'll have to stay after school for a month

and take care of Finnegan's gaggle of pet crows.

Take her away!

No! Wait! I'm innocent!

Well, I'm not innocent.

In fact, I have kind of a reputation for...

The point is, I didn't do it!

We have pet crows?

Oh, yeah.

And they're really vicious when they're hungry.

And they're hungry all the time,

because Mrs. Straupersson always scares them away.

Man, do they hate her.

Interestingly enough, a group of crows is not called a "gaggle,"

but rather a "murder" of crows.

A murder?

I wonder why that is.

Beats me. English is a funny language.

[ominous fanfare plays]

[crow cawing]

[snap, monitor flat-lining]

[mellow theme music plays]

[woman] ? All rise, The court is in session ?

[man] ? He's the youngest man ?

? In his profession ?

[woman] ? It's your turn to take a stand ?

[man] ? The future's in ?

[both] ? The palm of his hand ?

? You've been ?

? Sentenced to fun ?

? He's Judge Young! ?

[man] ? He'll never rest ?

? From being tough on crime ?

[woman] ? Unless it's past ?

? His 9 p.m. bedtime ?

[man] ? Holding court ?

? With grace and charm ?

[woman] ? Serving justice ?

[both] ? With those lady-like arms ?

? He can't drive ?

? And has no need to shave ?

? But he'll lay down the law ?

? If you misbehave ?

? You've been ?

? Sentenced to fun ?

? He's Judge Young! ?

? He's Judge Young! ?

[Adam] Judge Young is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0