Original subtitles

Hey, Echo. What're you doing after school today?

I'm volunteering at the food bank.

Why? Can't they just do online food-banking?

I even have the mobile food-banking app.

Anyway, we should do something.

You and me? What would we do?

Doesn't matter, as long as you and I can spend time together.

Hey, Ivy.

We should do something after school.

I have plans, but I can cancel.

I'm right here.

We can see that, Echo, but it's rude to interrupt.

Ivy?

The only plan I have with you is, get a helicopter, fly it over your head,

and drop a bag of snakes on you.

[helicopter hovering]

Looks like we're back on, Echo.

Besides, it's college application time, and I'm off to take a tour

of the Great Northern University campus.

Really? What are you looking forward to checking out?

My tour guide.

I've been paired up with a recent graduate.

I bet he's a tall, handsome quarterback.

Although...

he'd probably be taller and more handsome if he had an entire back.

I'm meeting him on the front steps. Do you know where those are?

Where's the promising young academic ready to visit my alma mater?

Adam, get out of here!

I don't want you cramping my style when my tall, handsome,

slightly lopsided college boy shows up to give me my tour.

I have no interest in your slightly lopsided college boy.

I'm waiting for my bright, young academic.

? Goodbye, summer, hello, fall ?

? We've been trying to get here ?

? Since we both Were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you callin' kid? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Can call me what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word ?

? Where I am here ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

I can't believe you're my campus tour guide.

Well...

who better to show you

all the super-cool stuff?

Like the cryogenic chamber used

to freeze infected tissue samples.

It literally cannot get

any cooler than that.

It literally cannot get any dorkier than you.

This is such a trip down memory lane.

This quad was the site

of one of the wildest,

most out-of-control parties of the year.

It ended up being shut down by the police!

Oh, yeah?

Yeah! It took the cops half an hour

to come after I called them.

But before that, it was so wild, I couldn't study.

Ta-da!

Adam Young?

How wonderful to see you.

One moment, I'm just in the middle of something.

[whirring]

[splat!]

And now I'm at the end of it!

Ugh! What is this?

Vermicast of the lumbricina.

English, please?

Worm poop.

That's it! I am not going to college. Thanks for opening my eyes.

It actually might have been better if you'd kept them closed.

Ivy, hold on!

You have to go to college.

For every student I recruit, I get a free smoothie.

I don't fit in here!

Adam didn't fit in here either.

Let me tell you about his first day here.

It was almost his last.

I thought you were going to tell us the story.

Oh! Okay.

[flashback music plays]

Okay, Adam.

You've got a peanut butter and banana sandwich,

string cheese, and a box of healthy-body-healthy-brain juice.

Thanks, Mommy!

Wait. How do you know the part of the story

that happened before I got to school?

I am a scientist.

It's my job to extrapolate additional data from the established facts.

I can't believe my little boy is going to be a university student!

There's no chapter on this in the parenting manual.

Or is there?

I keep meaning to read this.

Mom, I know you're nervous, but it'll be fine.

I may be young,

but I'm more than capable of handling the workload.

I know, sweetie.

It's just going to be so lonely around here without you.

[Ivy] Mom! I can't find my retainer.

Oh, wait. [giggles] It's in my mouth.

So... lonely.

Oof!

Look at this place!

It really brings me back to the time I spent on this campus.

I guess that was a long time ago.

Right. Because I have not

been back here recently for any traffic-light parties.

I am Professor Fenway,

and this is the introduction to Introduction to Earth Sciences.

Welcome to Introduction to Earth Sciences.

If you need anything, just call me.

Everybody, grab a lab coat and take a seat.

Who are these hooks designed for?

I don't see any giants in this class.

[booming voice] Here's your lab coat, puny child!

[Adam] What are you talking about?

There were no giants in your classroom.

Fine. Sorry for trying to make your life story more interesting.

Anyway, you somehow managed to get a lab coat on.

We're going to start

with the chemical composition of the earth's atmosphere.

[class] Nitrogen, oxygen and argon.

Finally! Peers at my level.

Well... my mental level.

But the system is much more complex than that.

Our flora and fauna require the balance of those,

and trace gases in our atmosphere, such as methane!

Ooh! This is good stuff!

Where's my notebook?

- Wah! - [thud]

Did you call me, honey? I thought I heard you say "Ma!"

[Adam] No, Mom. I'm fine. Please wait anxiously for me at home!

Did you skin your knee? Let mommy look at it!

No, Mom, it's o...

[students laughing]

Are those rainbow-bunny underpants?

[Adam] No, you don't understand! These aren't mine.

They're hand-me-downs from my sister.

[students laughing]

I totally misjudged this place!

College is hilarious.

Where were we in the story?

Oh, yes.

Adam was showing us his rainbow-bunny buns.

They weren't mine!

Fine.

Adam had was showing us his sister's rainbow-bunny buns.

- Thank you. - [flashback music plays]

[Fenway] Which he liked wearing even more than she did.

[Adam]Don't sneak that in under the flashback music!

- Adam, where are you going? - I don't belong here.

- I'm quitting. - You can't quit!

Quitting is for jobs. With school, you drop out.

Then I'm dropping out.

You can't drop out!

What are you gonna do, go to fourth grade?

I guess.

Do you have any idea who's in fourth grade?

Losers.

A bunch of loser kids who can't even get into college.

Well, I'm the same age as them, so I should fit in fine.

Well, I'm going anyway!

Okay. Let's go right now.

I'll show you what fourth grade's really like.

Don't you have to go back to your class?

It'll be fine.

Students learn best from independent study.

At least, that's what it says in the teacher's manual.

You haven't even read it!

I wanted to...

but I couldn't open my copy of How to Remove Shrink Wrap.

Excuse me. This is Adam.

He thinks he belongs here... With you losers!

By the way, this is an L. It's part of the alphabet.

[Tater] Hey, Adam.

Welcome to your new, safe, fun learning environment!

Grab a seat. We're just about to do circle time.

Adam Young? Long time no see, man.

Derby, I saw you yesterday.

We went school-supply shopping together.

I heard you became a university student.

Again, we talked about that yesterday.

Well, I guess that didn't pan out, huh,

'cause here you are, in fourth grade, just like me.

You're even in my class.

Whatever.

Well, don't worry. I'll introduce you around.

That's Jordan Slabinsky.

"Slabinsky's" hard to say, so for short, we call him Jordy.

You're a kid. Just like everyone else in here.

Not sure why I felt the need to point that out, but there you go.

He's big, but don't worry, he never uses his size against anyone.

I know I'm late, but I was on the bus

when a flock of bats swooped down and...

Go on.

What happened when they swooped down?

Shoot!

Next time, I'll make sure I have an ending for that story.

Oh, and let me introduce you to her.

- That's... - Don't bother.

Girls are gross.

That was Echo?

I had a chance to meet her years ago, and I blew it?

What a horrible mistake!

What mistake? Girls are gross.

We are not!

You've still got a little worm poop right here.

All right, class. Today, we're gonna talk about science!

[snoring]

Aww...

Derby's getting a jumpstart on naptime.

So, what kind of science are we going to learn?

Particle physics? Astrophysics? Theoretical physics? Quantum physics?

Or is it one of the 47 types of chemistry?

Nope.

Beans.

Beans? That's the topic?

It sure is!

For the next eight weeks.

And you can't learn science without the right equipment.

This is crazy.

I know! Crazy fun.

I think Mr. Tater is someone I'm really going to like and respect.

? Beans, beans they grow in the ground ?

? Their leaves come out without a sound ?

? Beans, beans they're good for your heart ?

? The more you eat, the more you... ?

Wait for it...

? ...love beans ?

Okay, kids. Get into groups. We're doing a group project!

You, me... Derby?

And should we ask...

That girl?

Not unless we're doing a science experiment on cooties!

Which don't really exist, but if they did, they'd be on girls.

Please just tell a different story.

Ooh. How about the one

where we saw Adam's rainbow-bunny underpants?

- They were yours! - You still wear them.

You're probably wearing them right now.

So, group project. Go on.

All right, time to grow ourselves some bean plants!

Everyone take a bean...

wrap it in a wet paper towel...

then place it snugly in a cup.

Now what?

? Now we wait and wait and wait ?

? And wait and wait and wait and wait ?

? And then we wait another two weeks ?

This is so boring!

You know...

there's some evidence that ultrasonic waves

can accelerate a plant's growth.

I can alter the tones in this toy, if I take it apart.

But I haven't learned what sound a moo-cow makes!

[toy] Moooooo!

Live and learn.

Now I'll need something to amplify the sounds.

[whirring, clicking]

Oh, wow!

Adam, this is fantastic.

It's especially fantastic that it grew just the right amount,

and didn't keep growing, and do damage to the school.

What would happen if we turned this thing up to 11?

It only goes to 10.

But if it goes to 11, it's one louder.

Watch!

[whirring, clicking]

[pitch rising]

Oh, you were right. It does only go to 10.

[high-pitched whirring, wood creaking]

Uh-oh.

[ceiling cracking]

Where's Mr. Tater?

[laughs] Yeah, where is Mr. Tater?

[shrieks]

Huh. I've never made that sound before.

Mr. Tater? Are you okay?

? I'm actually a little bit scared of heights ?

? Okay, not a little bit, more like a lot ?

? I'm hoping singing will calm me down ?

? Nope, it doesn't seem to be working ?

Help me!

We have to do something before...

[booming voice] Fee-fi-fo-fum!

[Monty Python's Flying Circus theme plays]

We've been over this!

There were no giants.

What story has a beanstalk and no giant?

Okay.

- [flashback music plays] - There's still a giant.

You know I can hear you over the music cue.

- What are you talking about? - [flashback music plays]

So, pink underpants was battling the giant!

That's not what was happening!

Fine. Adam was trying to solve the problem.

Hang on, Mr. Tater!

I just need to read this book on advanced botany!

Anybody have any ideas?

We get a helicopter, fly it over the top of the beanstalk,

and drop a bag of snakes on it.

Any ideas? Any ideas at all?

Why didn't you like that snake idea?

I know people who swear by it.

Ooh! You know who's good at solving problems?

Look, I don't know how to make this any clearer.

I have absolutely no interest in talking to that girl,

do you understand?

I don't care about her now, and I never will.

[sobbing]

Let's think.

What do we know about beans?

Well, they're good for your heart,

and the more you eat, the more you love beans.

That's not the only thing you do more of.

Just this morning, my earth sciences professor was talking

about the delicate balance of chemicals in the atmosphere.

If we increase the amount of methane in the air,

perhaps the beanstalk will be unable to thrive.

We need to fart.

You know who's really good at farting?

- I don't want to meet that girl. - I meant me.

I'm really good at farting.

Girls don't fart.

They're still gross.

[booming voice] I agree!

Here. Eat these.

Now, let the beans do their magic. To be clear, it's not magic, it's science.

[Tater] And so, they farted, and farted,

and farted, and farted some more.

And when no one could fart any longer,

Jordy dug down deep and mustered one final fart.

[beanstalk collapsing]

[Tater screaming]

[thud!]

Oh! I broke everything on my face! Except my nose.

At least I can still smell.

[inhales deeply]

[groans] Ohh!

You kids really are disgusting, aren't you?

Yes...

You...

Filthy, disgusting, annoying brats!

I quit!

I'm gonna look for a new job,

one where I don't have to care about young people.

I'm thinking... high school principal.

Did you see his broken face when he smelled those farts?

That was such a great prank, Adam.

I'm going to devote the rest of my life trying to come up with a prank

as hilarious as this one.

I just realized

how much I enjoy when other people are in pain.

Hey, Derby...

you're other people!

Uh-oh!

Hey! Just checkin' in.

[inhales deeply]

Ahh... The sweet smell of science.

Professor, you were right.

I was bored, and ended up causing a bunch of trouble.

I see.

Luckily, though, I was able to solve the problem

using something you mentioned earlier today.

That kids are losers?

Earlier than that. The methane thing.

You were listening. Hmm.

Well, clearly, you should come back to my class.

But I didn't fit in at the university.

So? You don't fit in here, either.

At least there, you'll be learning something.

But whatever. It's your choice.

Stay here and fart away your talent, if you want.

I always remembered that speech being more inspirational.

[Ivy] Well, you know what?

I'm still not going to college. Your story didn't work.

[door opens]

That worked!

College, we're back on!

And I think you'll grow to love it, just as Adam did.

Yes, he may have been small, but, really...

aren't we all small compared to the giant?

For the last time, there is no...

[enormous fart]

[booming voice] What do you want from me?

I live on a beanstalk!

Wow. When you said you wanted to do something after school,

I thought you meant hang out at the mall.

We've got to get out of here...

[booming voice] Fee-fi-fo-ferby!

I smell the blood of Echo and... that other kid.

Oh, no. What are we going to do?

Don't worry. I have a plan. Hold these.

This girl stole your eggs!

This is why we don't hang out!

[giant snarls]

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