Original subtitles

Thanks for all the help, Adam.

I just got here.

I wasn't talking to you, Adam. I was talking to my shovel...

"Adam."

[Tater] Okay, students.

Now that we've finished digging the hole,

let's read these time capsule instructions.

"One: dig hole."

"Two: fill time capsule

with items of significance or sentimental value."

"Three: bury time capsule."

"Four: wait 25 years."

They don't mean wait 25 years before reading the next instruction.

Oh.

"Five: do not wait 25 years before reading this instruction."

"Six: dig up time capsule and marvel at what life must have been like

for the suckers who spent $800 for a cardboard box."

Here's my item for the time capsule.

An empty jar?

It's not empty.

It's filled with air.

If we keep polluting the planet,

this jar may be the only breathable air future generations will have.

And I'm going to bury this identical jar containing one of my farts.

Because it's funny.

I'm burying this outfit,

so future generations can see what fashions were like today.

Maybe you should bury that outfit

so they can also see what fashions were like three years ago.

Okay, Echo's looking at her outfit and crying.

This is the perfect time to bury this letter I wrote,

professing my love for her.

How sweet.

And I will bury this time capsule,

so future generations will know we were into time capsules.

Is this my funeral? Finally!

I want to leave this world the way I came into it.

[gasping]

Dressed like a carrot!

Unless I'm misremembering.

Mrs. Byrne, it's not your funeral.

[Tater anxiously muttering]

? Goodbye, summer, hello, fall ?

? We've been trying to get here ?

? Since we both Were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you callin' kid? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Can call me what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word ?

? Where I am here ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

So, Adam, what did you put in the time capsule?

I, uh... buried a...

[thinking] think... think... What can I say?

Cafeteria.

You buried a cafeteria?

Yes.

Anyway, I guess we should eat here,

since I buried that other cafeteria.

[soft munching]

Hey! Where did my salad go?

Slab, did you steal my lunch?

It wasn't me!

There's a new bully in town.

Whoa! Take my lunch!

That was my lunch.

And that's a western ground weevil.

They subsist on all kinds of plant matter.

Even paper?

Sure.

In that case, the weevils ate my science homework.

I didn't assign any homework.

Well, when you do, they will.

We must have an infestation. The weevils ate Derby's pants!

They did?

Phew! Don't scare me like that.

What the...?

Mr. Tater, what are you doing?

I'm trying to find the source of the weevil infestation.

Are you going to help dig,

or just stand there while Slab throws dirt at you?

It's gotten much worse since last week,

but if we can find the hive and eliminate the queen,

the weevils will leave,

and, I assume, form a representative democracy.

Ultimately, that will lead to unbridled partisanship

and political gridlock...

and we'll finally have our revenge.

- [clank!] - Did you hear that?

We found the hive!

Mr. Tater, that's the time capsule.

Wow. A time capsule?

I've heard about these.

Let's open it.

It's only been buried for a week.

A whole week?

Gather 'round, everyone,

for a glimpse into what life must have been like seven days ago.

No! We shouldn't spoil the surprise for future generations, right?

[laughing]

Check this out.

Can you believe people used to dress like this?

Oh, come on!

Two identical unlabeled jars.

One containing fresh air, the other... a fart.

Which one should I open?

A simple brain-teaser.

By peering through the underside of the jars,

I can count how many of the threads on the lip

are enclosed in the lid,

allowing me to determine which of the jars is more tightly closed.

Then, judging by the relative sizes and strengths of Echo and Slab,

I can easily determine that the more tightly closed jar is Slab's,

meaning this jar must be Echo's.

Gah! Whoa!

I was wrong!

This is Slab's jar.

Nope. It's mine.

I farted in it.

You were right, Slab.

It is funny!

Ooh! A letter!

- And it's addressed to Echo. - Oh, no.

"My dearest Echo..."

[students] Oooh!

"From the moment I first laid eyes on you,

I couldn't imagine a day without you.

You are my sunshine and my moonlight.

You are not only the most beautiful girl I have ever seen,

you are smart, funny,

and have a passion for life like no one else.

I could fill libraries with words about you,

but I really only need three...

I love you. Yours forever..."

"Yours forever" who?

I don't know.

The weevils ate away the bottom of the letter.

They did?

Oh, that's great!

For the weevils.

Terrible for all of us, who will never know who wrote that letter.

A mystery for the ages.

I will now walk away, whistling for no reason.

[whistling]

Okay, class, please pass your homework to the front.

Was anyone's homework not eaten by weevils?

Come on, weevils! Eat my homework!

Otherwise I stayed up all night diligently doing it for nothing.

I still can't figure out who wrote this love letter to me.

A mystery for the ages. Moving on.

It's just so weird...

So weird! Weird letter-writing weirdo.

That rules me out.

Why would someone write such a romantic letter

and not own up to it?

You thought it was romantic?

Are you kidding?

I wish I could meet the guy who wrote this amazing letter.

It could be anyone.

Except you. We ruled you out.

I wrote it!

Really, Jared?

Really, Jared?

Hi.

That's it, little weevils... Check in at the front desk.

Mr. Tater? What is this?

It's a weevil hotel.

You bought a trap to capture and kill the weevils?

They make those?

I wish I'd known.

I spent two years' salary designing, planning,

and constructing this five-star weevil resort,

hoping it would distract them from their infestation.

It has three swimming pools, a wellness center,

and an 18-hole miniature miniature-golf course.

But your killing idea sounds way better.

No! The weevils do so much good. Look at this skirt my mom bought me.

I would never wear something like this.

[weevils munching]

But I would wear this.

Sorry, Ivy.

I will stop at nothing to rid this school of weevils!

And I will stop at nothing to stop you from stopping at nothing,

and nothing can stop me!

Except maybe the need to stand here and try to figure out

if I said the right number of "stops" and "nothings" in that sentence

to properly make my point.

How did you come up with that part about

me being your sunshine and your moonlight?

Well... the sun and the moon

are the only two sources of light in the universe.

[Echo giggles]

I love it when you talk science.

That's not science!

There are billions of stars, and the moon isn't even a source of light!

How could Echo be dating that guy?

Are you kidding?

Did you not hear the beautiful letter he wrote?

I wrote that letter!

- Does Echo know that? - No!

Because I told her I didn't write it.

Then there's only one thing to do.

I need to get Jared to confess he didn't write the letter.

I was going to say you should just get over Echo

and have a picnic with me and Adam.

Oh, good. A weevil!

I need these short shorts shortened.

Ivy, it's me.

You have me at a disadvantage, weevil. I don't know your name.

It's Principal Tater.

I'm going undercover to infiltrate the weevils,

so they'll lead me back to their hive.

Not on my watch!

Weevils, this man is an impostor!

You can tell because...

Well, you can't. Just trust me on this.

Ivy, please!

We've got to do something about the weevils!

They've even eaten Derby's pants.

[gasps] You're right!

All right, but if you're going to get rid of the real weevils,

then you're gonna have to shorten these for me.

Fine.

I meant take them to a tailor!

What is wrong with you?

[weevils scurrying]

Hey. Wait for me, fellas!

Thank you for coming in, Jared.

Will this take long? Echo and I have plans to, uh...

I know what "uh" is.

I may never actually have done any "uh" ing,

but I know what it is.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You're being expelled for cheating on your homework assignment.

The answers are correct, but the handwriting doesn't match

that exquisitely lyrical love letter you wrote to Echo.

What do you have to say for yourself?

- Uh... - That's right.

You are uh-ed.

Royally uh-ed.

[gulp]

Come clean, or I have no choice but to bring this evidence...

to Principal Tater.

[weevils munching]

Bring what evidence to Principal Tater?

Weevils!

[Slab] Oh, sure!

The weevils will eat your homework!

I even rewrote it with this hot-fudge pen!

There. I've written another letter to Echo.

"You are the ugliest person ever.

You're unpleasant to be around,

and your smell can only be described as unfortunate."

Echo will hate this letter!

Wait. Are you using reverse psychology?

No.

Are you just saying no

so I'll think you are using reverse psychology?

When Echo gets this letter,

she'll see that the handwriting matches the love letter and blame Jared.

He won't be able to deny writing it

without also admitting he didn't write the first letter.

Wait. Jared didn't write this letter?

But it's the same handwriting as the other letter Jared wrote.

Okay... time to slip this into Echo's locker.

Adam?

Are you putting something in my locker?

Wow!

I am so glad you caught my terrible mistake.

I almost put this student report into the wrong locker.

There.

All better.

[weevils skittering]

Well, here I am, in the old familiar weevil hive,

which, being a weevil, I have been to many times before.

I see so many of the old gang are here...

Bucky, Boomer, Scooter, Duke,

Fat Joey, Loogie, Knuckles,

Sparkles, other Duke, Chip,

Crazy Eddie, Honest Ed, Fonzie, The Captain, El Jefe,

Pancake Pete, Cobra, Little Mickey, but...

where's our beloved queen?

[female, British accent] Who is asking after us?

It's me. Just another weevil.

I mean, click-click, clickety-click.

Strange...

we don't recognize you.

Come closer, so we can get a good look.

Trust me, everyone says I look much better from a distance.

We said come closer!

You're much bigger than our other subjects.

My parents fed me a lot.

I was an only weevil.

We know what we need to do with you.

[Tater gulps]

Put you to work helping us defeat the humans!

No! Don't kill me!

What?

You're big enough to infiltrate the humans and pose as one of them.

We've managed to get our pinchers on this costume of a bald, ugly loser.

I give up.

No matter what I do to break Echo and Jared up, I fail.

What's this? A letter for me?

In this day of impersonal texts and emails,

it's so nice someone would take the time to...

My smell is unfortunate?

Why would someone write such awful things about me?

I'm not saying they're not true, but it still stings.

I know exactly who wrote this!

Look, Slab. Don't do anything you'll regret...

Jared!

Like letting that Jared punk get away with slandering your aroma.

Are you sure Jared wrote it?

Yes, Derby. He's sure.

I am.

The handwriting on this letter matches the one he wrote for Echo,

a copy of which I carry around for inspiration.

[sighs] So heart-warming.

Hey, Jared! Did you smell me coming?

[Echo] Slab! What are you doing?

I got your letter.

So what do you think we should do about this?

Uh...

That's a rather inappropriate suggestion.

[gasps]

Why would you write such awful things about Slab?

I'm not saying they're not true, but it still must sting.

I'll show you what stings.

I didn't write that letter! I swear!

But the handwriting matches my love letter.

What's going on?

Yeah, I didn't write that one either.

You didn't?

Uh...

Your "uh" days are over!

I want to be with the person who wrote those incredible words.

Really?

And I want to be with the person who wrote those incredible words,

just long enough to knock his teeth out.

Really?

I guess you can always hang on to the letter

as a reminder that...

somewhere out there,

there's a person who feels that way about you.

- That's true. - That's true.

[Echo sighs, Slab groans]

[Tater] Does this come in a "husky"?

Just try to squeeze into...

Ugggh!

[gasp!]

What is this?

N-nothing.

I just managed to get that human costume on.

See? Bald, ugly loser.

In fact, if I didn't know better, I'd almost say I'm not a weevil at all.

That's how good this costume is!

Silence, human. And prepare to die!

Wait! There has to be another way!

There is no other way! We hate each other.

And by "we," I mean you and we.

Do we?

Or are we just masking our true feelings for each other?

Surely, you feel the...

romantic tension between us?

Is that what that is?

It really does feel like hate.

It's not.

Why do you think I carry around a copy of this love letter

I wrote specifically for you,

that no one else wrote for someone else and I just carry around for inspiration?

We love it!

It's the most romantic thing we've ever read.

[munching and moaning]

I am not lending you any books.

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