Original subtitles

We're almost there, Derby.

Oh, boy! The circus! I can't wait.

Hold on!

Shouldn't we hear the laughter of delighted children by now?

Or smell the sweet wafting aroma of candy apples and popcorn,

mixed with the unmistakable odor of lion poop?

I smell lion poop. You don't smell lion poop?

Wait. I recognize this hallway!

You're not taking me to the circus. You're taking me to science class!

Science class is a circus of sorts.

A circus of learning.

Where the clown is a class clown,

and the strongman is strong in the brain.

That sounds like a terrible circus.

Nothing exciting ever happens in that room.

Help! Help!

Stay back, you alien fiends!

Silence, human!

Or you will meet with the same fate as this worthless school principal.

[ray-gun whizzes]

[thud!]

See? This class is so boring, even Mr. Tater fell asleep.

? Goodbye, summer, hello, fall ?

? We've been trying to get here ?

? Since we both Were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you callin' kid? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Can call me what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word ?

? Where I am here ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

Get away from her!

We may be too late

to save our beloved principal,

but we won't let you hurt that woman!

Yeah!

What Adam said!

Except for the "beloved" part.

What are you doing?

You're ruining the movie!

I'm not surprised.

Mr. Young ruins everything.

Cut!

What?

You know you were gonna say it anyway.

This is a movie?

That's right! And I'm the star.

Actually, he forced us to give him a small part

in exchange for letting us shoot in the school.

It's about a high school

that's being invaded by space aliens.

I play the principal.

To prepare, I've been following a real principal around

for the last six months.

Man, I would not want that job.

Well, it would've been nice to warn us you'd be shooting here.

Why? It's not like anyone was using this old abandoned science lab.

I'm Bianca Boyd, the actual star of the film.

I'm Derby. Your biggest fan.

Oh... How sweet! You've seen my movies?

Nope.

My TV series?

Nope.

Have you ever actually seen me before today?

Nope.

Aaaah!

It's okay, Echo. They're just shooting a movie.

I know! That's Bianca Boyd, star of Invasion High.

And soon-to-be Invasion High 2:

Revenge of the Valedictalien.

Seriously? You're making the sequel here at Finnegan?

Invasion High is my all-time favorite science-fiction movie.

[scoffs] I see plenty of fiction, but not a lot of science.

Yay!

What do you mean?

Our film series prides itself on authenticity.

Really?

And we're supposed to believe you traveled through space

wearing thigh-high boots and a shiny skirt?

Yay!

Well, what should I be wearing?

To safely pass through the cosmic rays

and radiation storms of the Van Allen Belt,

you'd need something more like...

Check out those curves.

I look good?

I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we prefer this version

to that completely unrealistic, tight-fitting thing you had on.

Right, guys?

Can you believe Bianca made me the science advisor for the movie?

Just please don't ruin this like you ruin everything.

I don't ruin everything.

I didn't ruin it.

I can fix it with this screwdriver.

Mr. Young! Guess what?

I'm going to be playing a member of the starship squadron.

They said I wasn't believable as a high school principal.

Okay... in this scene, we are trying to stop the aliens

from using a sub-space beacon to call for reinforcements.

That's the sub-space beacon?

Well, it's not turned on.

[click]

Ooh... science-y.

As... intricate as this is,

I went ahead and prepared something a little more less-crappy.

Wow. That looks so realistic!

That's because it is.

It uses evanescent wave-coupling to achieve superluminal communication.

I mean, the movie's technology should be real.

In the same way you chose to shoot here, at a real school,

instead of using some fake school-front built on a sound stage.

Hey, Bianca, I brought you some coffee.

I hope I don't get any on your unflattering space suit.

Tr-r-rip!

Derby! You tripped on purpose.

No, I didn't.

You said "trip."

At least this coffee didn't spill.

Spill!

Oh, no. I guess you'll have to change into your tight, shiny space dress.

I don't know why everyone says this is tight.

Look how loose it is.

[beacon pinging and trilling]

[ethereal soundtrack plays]

[transponder pinging]

We've picked up a subspace signal from across the galaxy!

Finally! A populated planet we can strip of its valuable resources.

How long will the voyage take us?

[controls whirring]

17 billion chronocycles.

Or the equivalent of one standard television commercial break.

[energy whooshing]

There seems to be nothing here.

[alien 2] Well, search again!

Our sensor sweep indicates that this planet is rich

in the universe's most valuable resource...

chewed-up gum.

The only place we haven't looked is under the desks.

Why would intelligent beings store their most precious resource

on the underside of desks?

That would be as foolish as balling it up in a piece of paper

and throwing it in the trash!

Or spitting it out in the street.

[pop!]

What was that?

She has gum. Kill her!

Put that away!

One piece of chewed-up gum would barely plug a Blargon's blowhole,

let alone fuel our ship.

[chuckling] Blargon's blowhole!

It is amusing because it is factual.

We are not the first invaders. We must act quickly.

Oh, hey. Are you two lost? I think the crew is ready for you outside.

What crew? We need no crew.

Our ship requires only the two of us.

Oh, you mean the spaceship?

I think they already shot that. They're dismantling it right now.

They found and destroyed our ship?

Calm down!

We'll force them to build us a new ship once we enslave the planet.

Enslave the planet? I don't remember that being in the plot.

She knows about the plot?

Help!

Help! Let me go!

Why are all actors crazy?

Silence, human!

We did not come to your planet to hear

sweeping, yet mostly true, generalizations!

My planet? As in not your planet?

You're real aliens?

Of course! Could a human do this?

Yes.

Well, we're real aliens!

Enough talking!

If you insist on moving your jaw up and down,

then let it be for a purpose more suitable to our needs.

Chew this gum!

Why? Do I have bad breath?

Yes, but that's beside the point.

Now less talking, more chewing!

No! Let me go!

You monsters!

Is the gum really that bad?

No. But the comics are terrible!

Okay, in this scene,

we train for our voyage deep into enemy space,

using a sensory-deprivation chamber.

Wait a second!

This looks suspiciously like the escape pod from the last scene!

Where is my science advisor? I need him close to me at all times.

Close to you? I can be your new science advisor.

Do you know anything about science?

I studied under Adam. Anything he does, I can do just as well.

Like, for example, staying close to you.

Or...

Well, hopefully just the one example will suffice.

Okay. Should I get in this box or not?

Only if you hate science.

Any sciencificator, like myself, knows that the best way

to train for the weightlessness of space is to jump on a trampoline.

You heard the sciencificator! Get a trampoline!

Whee! Space training is fun!

That's it, human.

Keep chewing!

[Adam] What is going on here?

[sigh]

These alien costumes are even more fake-looking than the last ones.

I mean, come on! Black eyes? Pale-grey skin?

Please!

I bet if I cut you open, you'd have lime-green blood, too.

Foolish human!

Unable to differentiate between lime-green and sea-foam green!

[mumbling] Adam!

Oh, hey, Echo.

[mumbling]

Oh, I can't understand you with all that gum in your mouth.

Muh-buh-bee-bah!

Oh, I got it.

You want more gum.

Maybe these guys have some.

I didn't mean for me!

Although, these comics are delightful.

[laughing]

He wanted him to make him a sandwich to eat...

[giggling]

but the genie made him into a sandwich!

[laughing]

Foolish humans with their ambiguous words!

I can't believe we've been captured by real aliens.

We have to get out of here!

How? We're locked into these unbreakable steel clamps.

These are just movie props.

[click]

Mine's... real!

[click]

[chuckling]

We still have to get past the aliens.

If science brought them here, then science can stop them.

And no one will ever force us to chew gum again!

Here, chew this gum.

[mumbling]

On my signal, blow a bubble.

Hey, space jerks!

- What do you want? - Do you want a sandwich?

No! Do you want me to "make you" a sandwich?

Ahh! I ruined it!

Now!

[gum creaking]

[aliens grunting]

Release us, humans!

Perfect. Even after being rapidly expanded by air,

the polyisobutylene compound that makes up the elastomer base of chewing gum

can withhold a surprising amount of internal pressure.

Why can't you just say, "that'll hold 'em," like a normal person?

Come on, let's get out of here.

Why aren't we moving?

[squishing]

Oh, no! We stepped in gum.

And its agglutinative nature has formed an adhesive bond

between the polyurethane-based soles of our shoes and the floor!

Seriously?

[splat!]

You'll pay for this, humans!

Great.

Now I have the universe's most valuable resource stuck in my...

well, let's just say it's a place where the four moons of Argon-7 do not shine!

All right, so once we pass through the radiation belt,

we'll need to remove the harmful gamma rays from our bodies,

using this decontamination spray.

[aerosol hissing]

Sure... if you want to punch science in the face.

So what should we use?

A decontamination shower?

That's better, but...

even more scientifical would be a decontamination bubble-bath.

[titters]

Oooh!

I can feel the radiation washing off every inch of my body.

We realize, as long as you two are here, you will never stop trying to escape.

Which is why we're going to Vegas, baby!

We're not going to "Vegas."

We're taking them back to our home planet: Vega-S.

Please! There must be some way you can get chewed gum

without enslaving humans.

Well...

we do have a machine that chews gum, but it's broken.

Bonehead here dropped it in the decontamination bubble-bath.

Maybe Adam can fix it.

[chuckling]

Not likely.

Our technology is thousands of years

beyond anything your primitive species is capable of.

Ooh, that looks way beyond Adam's capabilities.

I'll show you "beyond Adam's capabilities."

[gasp]

- [teeth chattering] - [gasps] The human has done it!

Let's rejoice with a celebratory meal!

Why don't I prepare you a sand...

Darn it! "Make!" "Make you" a sandwich!

Thank you again for repairing our gum-chewing device.

And our intergalactic space-goggles!

And our bomb, capable of destroying the entire universe.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Yep! Next stop, Vega-S, baby.

And remember: what happens on Vega-S, stays on Vega-S.

Because the planet's gravitational pull is very strong.

[wistful, ethereal soundtrack plays]

[portals hiss, engines whirring]

[whoosh!]

They seemed nice.

Adam...

you were incredible.

You saved me, and probably all of mankind in the process.

How can I ever thank you?

Oh, I think you know how you can thank me.

[romantic soundtrack swells]

What? That's the worst movie pitch I've ever heard.

You expect me to believe the nerdy science advisor saved the day?

Well, let me just pitch the rest of the movie...

[soundtrack resumes]

- No. I've heard enough. But...

[soundtrack resumes]

No.

I'm with Bianca.

I could maybe believe the whole "aliens needing chewing gum" thing,

but that weird guy obsessed with science getting the girl?

There's only so much nonsense you can ask an audience to buy.

Yeah. And you make me substitute science advisor,

only to have everything backfire on me?

Why was I even in this pitch?

[Tater] Well, I loved it. I'm now inspired to become an astronaut.

Space training is fun!

Whee!

Mr. Tater... You were incredible!

To think, a simple high school principal saved me,

and probably all of mankind in the process.

How can I ever thank you?

Oh, I think you know how you can thank me.

[romantic soundtrack swells]

What? That's the worst movie pitch I've ever heard.

A high school principal has responsibilities.

He doesn't have time for romance.

But...

[soundtrack swells]

Stick to acting. Leave the writing to the professionals.

Can I just...

[soundtrack swells]

Shut it down, lady.

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