Original subtitles

Hey, Derby.

Why are you dressed like that?

What are you talking about?

This is the regular Adam Young look you see every day.

Oh, yeah!

You know what Friday is?

One of the 12 months.

No, wait! One of the seven dwarves?

Pass! Next question.

Friday is the six-month anniversary

of the first time I got close enough to smell Echo's hair.

Well, happy stalker-versary.

Anyway, I want to surprise her with the perfect gift.

Pepper spray and a stun gun?

Hmm! Maybe for our one-year.

I already got her this poster of me.

Oh, yeah!

Wearing the regular Adam Young look I see every day.

But you know what she would like even more?

Tickets to Rockfest this weekend.

Wow. That would be romantic!

Just me, Echo...

and hundreds of igneous and metamorphic specimens.

You realize Rockfest is a music festival?

Well, that's just confusing.

I'm sure I'm not the only armchair geologist to make that mistake.

Still, if you think that would make her happy...

Are you kidding? She'll love it. You will not find a more perfect gift.

Great! How can I get tickets?

You can't. It's been sold out for weeks.

Oh. I guess I'll just have to give her this picture of me

in my regular Adam Young look you see every day.

You know what she would like even more than this?

This!

? Goodbye, summer, hello, fall ?

? We've been trying to get here ?

? Since we both Were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you callin' kid? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Can call me what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word ?

? Where I am here ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

Hey, Ivy.

You, um... excited about the senior class trip to Italy?

Are you kidding? They sell Italian shoes in Italy!

And I hear Italian guys hang out there, too.

I was hoping you were gonna say

you were not excited about it,

- because you can't go. - What?

You can only go

if you're passing all your classes,

and do you know what Mr. Edmonds said

your grade is in science?

Yellow! No, wait! Alaskan king crab?

Pass! Next question!

An F.

But I'm a fair man.

And don't say, "Don't you mean bald?"

I mean fair.

I'm a fair, bald man.

So fair that you're willing to look past my grades and let me go?

Nobody's that bald!

Fair! I meant fair.

I'll give you a chance to bring your grades up.

Friday afternoon, you can do a make-up test.

Great! I know everything about makeup.

Like, for example, that a sheer pressed matte powder

will take some of the shine off your bald head.

Yes! I knew I'd get it in.

Not a test about makeup.

A make-up test in science.

Science? What's that?

The world's tallest building!

No, wait! A river in Russia?

Pass! Next question?

Adam... I need to pass a make-up test.

Do you know anything about science?

Well, I have advanced degrees

in astrophysics and molecular biomechanics,

and am currently a professional educator,

teaching physics, biology, and chemistry.

Just answer my question!

Yes. I know anything about science.

But I'm not going to help you.

No! What? Why not?

Gee, let's see if we can remember all the things

you've ever done for me.

Breaking my toy fire truck,

smearing honey in my hair,

pushing me off my bike into a rose bush.

Any of that sound familiar?

Of course. That was all this morning.

Yeah, so, you're on your own.

Unless you can fix this.

[anemic siren wails]

Darn it. I was really excited about Italy.

I guess I'm stuck going to Rockfest this weekend.

You have tickets?

Oh! You want these?

When I pass my science test, they're yours.

Fine. I'll tutor you.

But... you're not taller than me. I can reach those tickets.

Not if I let go of them and let them float off into space.

All right...

lesson one: "gravity."

All right, everyone.

For the next few days, I'll be working on a special project,

so you're in for a brand-new teaching technique.

[Derby] Boo! Boo!

You don't even know what I'm going to say yet.

I'm not booing what you're saying so much as you as a person.

For the rest of the week, you'll be doing independent study.

There will be no teacher present.

[Derby] Boo!

No one to boo!

This will allow you to explore aspects of science that are interesting to you.

And if you could not mention this teaching style to Principal Tater,

now or in the future, that would be great.

I'm in charge now.

Why? We don't need a leader.

We can peacefully coexist as an egalitarian collective,

where we work as a group to support each other,

while simultaneously enjoying our personal freedoms.

I'm in charge now.

But don't worry.

There is absolutely no chance that I will let my newfound power

change me in any way.

See? I haven't changed in any way.

And... now that you've learned to trust me...

you must learn to fear me!

[gasping]

All hail Emperor Slab!

Okay. Cell theory.

Let's start with the basics.

Humans have many cells.

Humans are lucky! I only have one.

[phone beeping]

Hey!

I know.

I'll teach you cell theory the way I learned it...

when I was two.

[cutesy voice] If I were a real bear,

I'd be made of trillions of teensy cells...

[deep voice] And if I were alive today, I would, too!

[cutesy] But you're not alive today,

because you didn't adapt

to sudden climate changes to the earth's biosphere.

[deep] Adapt to this, fuzz-boy!

It's go-time!

[cutesy] I might be scared if you didn't have those puny little arms.

[growling, grunting]

Now I get it!

You do? You understand cell theory?

I wasn't talking to you. I'm on the phone.

So, what did you say?

Why isn't this working?

You're terrible!

Ivy, get off the phone.

I'm off. I was talking to you.

You're a terrible teacher.

You know, you asked me for help. And so far...

Hang on, I'm getting another call.

[gasping]

You did not say that about his puny arms!

Okay, our first science lesson didn't go great,

but I know what I did wrong.

Bought those clothes?

Wore those clothes?

Washed those clothes so you could wear those clothes again?

You're bored by science because you think it has no relevance to you.

That's why I'm gonna show you how you use science

in your everyday life.

But I don't.

I don't use any school subjects in my everyday life.

What about English?

Nope.

Come on.

Show me what you normally do here at your locker.

Fine. I touch up my makeup.

Aha! Makeup is science.

Chemistry.

This lipstick consists of iron oxide, for color, and thixotropic oil,

which allows the color to stick to your lips.

A lot you know.

This color isn't iron oxide. It's...

"cheap vixen red."

And just to be clear, "cheap" refers to me.

The lipstick was actually quite expensive.

Let's try this.

Look at this mirror.

Looking at me is science?

I love science!

As you can see, the angle of incidence

is always identical to the angle of reflection.

And now I hate science again.

When you stand directly in front of the mirror,

the light rays bounce straight back, and you see yourself.

Hey, bestie!

But when I change the angle of incidence, it's me you see in the...

Eww!

[sigh] That's better.

I've readjusted the angle of incidence.

[fanfare plays]

Boy, you guys are weak.

Imagine if this thing weren't on a cart.

I want to be... entertained.

Is my favorite gladiator here?

[Derby] Yes, Caesar.

Isn't it ironic that he, of all people, is named after a salad?

Derbius Minimus...

Are you ready to once again face your greatest opponent?

Since you're not really asking, yes.

And, greatest opponent, are you ready?

[roars]

Then let the games begin.

All right, lion... no cheating this time.

You can use your teeth and claws, but not that fluffy tail.

I'm ticklish.

[roars]

[roaring]

Slab, this is so wrong!

It's cruel to take a lion out of its natural habitat.

[Derby giggling]

[Derby] Hey! We said no tail. Stop it!

[lion roars]

Echo? I've got a surprise for you.

You're coming back to teach,

so the tyranny and bloodshed will finally end?

Huh? What's going on in class?

Nothing!

We're finding independent study to be a fun and rewarding challenge.

And Derby totally still has his whole face.

Good.

And in other good news,

I'm getting us tickets to Rockfest this weekend.

And before you make a completely understandable mistake,

it's a music festival.

Really? I thought it was sold out!

[gasps] Thank you, Adam.

[sniffs]

I think you're ready for a practice test.

Yep. My cerebral cortex is chock-full of recently acquired data.

And progenitor cells!

And...

begin!

Ivy?

Ivy?

Helloooo?

Buy-one, get-one-free shoe sale!

Okay, test's over.

So, how did I do?

You got zero.

Out of what?

Out of everything! You froze.

Did I not mention I freeze during tests?

No! You did not mention that.

Oh, yeah. Every time.

You can ask the guy who gave me my driving test.

Well, you can ask his next-of-kin.

This isn't fair!

You know all the answers. You deserve to pass.

Yeah, but if I try to write that test, I'll freeze!

Freeze like matter devoid of thermal energy,

a state only achieved

if temperatures are lowered to zero-degrees kelvin,

or -273.15 degrees centigrade.

Why don't we talk more?

Because I'm awesome and you're you.

Oh, yeah.

Well? What are you going to do?

I don't know. What would you do if you were me?

I'm ready for my test!

What on earth are you wearing?

Uh...

Is that "cheap vixen red?"

Mommy would look great in that.

All right. Let's see it.

I told you to carve my bust! This is my face and shoulders.

This is too much.

[Derby] My outfit?

I figured if I dressed like one of his kind,

the lion wouldn't maul me.

Don't male lions battle each other for dominance?

[lion roars]

They should really put that on the packaging.

People, listen up!

Slab has abused us for too long.

It's time to end this reign of terror.

[murmuring]

Don't listen to her!

She's trying to poison your minds with truths.

Make me your leader, and I'll be fair and just...

for I am one of you.

[cheering]

You're defeating me with words?

No fair!

There are, like, a hundred words in the English language,

and I only have two fists.

[chanting "Echo!"]

They love you.

They do, don't they?

Your queen wants to know... How is the overthrown emperor?

[Slab] I've been better.

Though it is a nice break, not having to hold my own head up.

Your queen wishes to be entertained.

Court jester?

[bells jingling]

Yes, your corrupted-by-power- even-faster-than-Slab... ness.

Tell me a joke.

Okay. Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shellfish!

[bells jingling]

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. Queen Echo has got to go.

Actually, I was thinking about bulldog puppies.

It's like they're wearing a wrinkly coat that's way too big.

[guffaws, goofy laughter]

How's it going?

What are you doing here?

I wanted to see how I was doing on the test.

Ivy?

Uh...

[deep voice] No.

That's Ivy. Taking the test.

I'm Adam Young.

I just like to wear Ivy's clothes because...

I'm an oddball.

Right, sis?

[falsetto] Right, bro.

You're an oddball.

Unlike me...

who's simply a complete bonehead.

You don't want to play this game with me in the room.

I'm an oddball...

and a bonehead.

Anyway, Adam...

maybe you should go change back into your clothes.

And hurry.

We're only going to be another 45 minutes,

so you definitely don't want to...

go away for the entire time.

I'm back!

[whispering] Was I fast enough?

You said to hurry!

[gasps] Oh, good! The cakes are here.

Let them eat cake!

[cheering]

[cheering stops]

No, wait. That sounds wrong.

Let me eat cake.

If you guys wanted cake, you should've been queen.

Mm...

so moist and...

[Derby] Silence!

I am the great and powerful Derby!

[boom!]

[hacking and coughing]

Sorry, hadn't had a chance to practice that.

You will no longer serve Queen Echo!

[Echo] What?

[Slab] We're not scared of you!

Put 'em up! Put 'em up!

Uggh!

Hey! Where'd you put 'em?

Slab, you're wearing my lion suit?

You're going to stretch it all out.

I mean...

do not arouse the wrath of the great and powerful Derby!

Bow down and worship your new master!

Except Echo!

Echo should bring those cakes over to the corner.

Just leave them by the curtain.

That's right. That curtain, over there!

Just put the cake down and don't look inside.

Ha-ha! Fooled you.

[deep voice] Well? Did she... I mean I...

I mean he...

[falsetto] Did I pass?

Congratulations, Ivy.

Just answer the question!

I passed!

And just in the nick of time, too.

Ivy, we've got to hurry if we're gonna catch that plane to Italy.

[both] Huh?

It leaves in an hour.

But don't worry, I had a feeling you'd pass,

so I had your mother pack you a suitcase.

Nothing but your prettiest dresses.

She's going to stretch them all out!

Adam!

So, got the tickets to Rockfest?

Yeah.

Great, let's go.

I'm not going with you.

But my surprise...

There are a hundred people I'd rather go with than you.

We're not even really friends.

[gasps]

We're not?

Well, fine!

I had a little surprise planned for you, too.

But since you're being such a jerk, you'll never know what it was.

[Tater] Ivy!

I am so stretching out all of my dresses.

It's your turn.

No. I already had a turn.

Well, I can't do it. I'm just a floating head.

And my hands are full of cake.

Well, someone has to take the lion out for walkies.

[roar]

Let's make Adam take it out for walkies.

Hey... Where is Adam?

Look, Ivy, a shooting star.

Make a wish.

[normal voice] I wish my one true love would finally notice me.

[man whistles]

I think that star worked.

Someone's wish just came true.

Of course, it could be the "cheap vixen red" lipstick.

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