Original subtitles

[bell rings]

Good morning, class...

What's going on here?

It's Crazy Tater's "everything must go" sale!

With prices so low, it's madness!

Why are you selling the stuff in my science lab?

Because no one can resist a Crazy Tater deal!

My prices are so low, it's madness!

I just sold this nutcracker for only $7.00!

They cost 200! And it's not a nutcracker!

Thanks, Crazy Tater.

Mm!

If you like nuts,

you'll love the crazy-low price of this nutcracker!

Not everything in here's a nutcracker. In fact, nothing in here is a nutcracker!

This is scientific equipment I need to teachscience.

Oh, yeah...

There is no more science at this school.

What? That's madness!

Get your own catch-phrase.

Come on down to Crazy Tater's...

where I'll even sell you the hair off my head!

Why? Madness!

? Goodbye, summer, hello, fall ?

? We've been trying to get here ?

? Since we both Were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you callin' kid? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Can call me what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word ?

? Where I am here ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

What do you mean, there's no more science?

Look, the school is having budget problems,

so we had to cut all non-essential programs...

like science.

You can't cut science.

This wasn't the only class affected.

We also cut advanced science.

I teach advanced science!

Not anymore.

But you're not losing your job.

We'll just assign you

one of the remaining core subjects,

like juggling or "candle appreciation."

Crazy Tater?

I'd like to return this nutcracker.

It's defective!

Mr. Tater? Adam told me you're cutting essential programs, like...

- Science. - Cheerleading.

I know, it's sad.

There will be no one around to cheer... that we cut science.

Well, echo and I looked over the school budget,

and there are plenty of other ways to save money.

For example, the budget can just be laser-printed.

It doesn't need to be written and illustrated

in the style of beloved children's book The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

We can't!

Mommy reads this budget to me every night before bed.

Well, how about cutting chess club?

Or... detention.

Can we get out of here?

These guys haven't seen a woman since 3:30.

Think about it.

Study after study says

that incarceration rarely leads to rehabilitation.

It would be an interesting experiment.

Let's try it and see what happens.

Whoo!

Wow... people are really mad about us cutting the chess club.

Maybe we should've gone with your other idea

and eliminated detention.

[student] Whoo!

Thank goodness we have Dang to clean up messes like that.

So, you're saying, to save money, we should get rid of Dang?

No! I'm not saying that at all.

I heard the sarcasm in your voice.

"Thank goodness we have Dang to clean up messeslike that!"

And the even-more-sarcastic sarcasm when you pretended to deny it.

"No-o-o-o! I'm not saying that at all!"

Adam! How could you want to get rid of Dang?

I don't!

Besides, who could replace Dang?

Not "who." What.

I saw an infomercial for this device

that roams the halls, cleaning up as it goes!

And it's only $19.95.

If you ask me... that's madness!

And I'm sure, for 20 bucks, it's re-e-eallygood.

I share your sincerity.

- Let's do it! Let's order a Vacu-bot! - [Vacu-bot, mechanically] You called?

[gasp]

[whirring]

Wow, fast shipping.

Huh...

I never realized my vest was so dusty.

I hate to say it, but that thing does clean pretty well.

I'm going to go break the news to Dang.

Aaaaaah!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Looks like he took it really well.

What do you mean? It's the opposite. He took it terribly.

[Vacu-bot] Wow. That's a big mess.

I quit.

[beeps, whirs]

[Dang roars]

Okay, so cutting chess club and replacing Dang didn't work out,

but maybe there's some fat in here we could cut.

Found it!

- You can't cut that fat. - Why not?

Who needs a giant can of hippopotamus fat?

No. I mean, you actually can't cut it.

Hippopotamus fat is virtually impenetrable.

Wait a second. This fat is from Cyclops Foods.

So is this linguini, these croutons, and this spray-cheese.

Do something!

Here you go!

Thank you.

The point is, this school obviously buys all its food from Cyclops.

That's a bit of an exaggeration...

calling this "food."

Maybe we can solve our budget problems

by getting Cyclops to lower their prices.

You think they might do that?

No harm in asking.

We can invite the CEO over to the school to chew the fat.

I mean, not literally.

As I mentioned, this fat is really hard.

Thank you for coming, Mr. Cyclops.

You must get slapped a lot.

Not really. Most people are pretty understanding.

Most. Ahem!

Anyway, Mr. Cyclops,

we know what you're currently charging the school for food,

and we'd like you to consider lowering it to this number.

Do you think he'll go for it?

Probably not, judging from that look.

[sproing!]

Forget it.

The price stands.

Fine. We'll just go with the lowest bidder.

I don't see any other bidders. Unless they're to the side of me.

Well, there is another bidder. Centaur Foods!

Let's do this deal. I'm not here to half-horse around.

Centaur Foods is a fake company. Quit trying to pull the wool over my eye.

It was a fake a company, but now it's real.

If it weren't, would I have these business cards

they only give to legitimate businesses

and you can't print on your home computer?

This does look real.

You even have a 5-5-5 number, like every business I've ever encountered.

Okay, let's get started.

The food contract will go to the lowest bidder.

All in favor?

"Eye." [chuckles]

Nay.

Which is Centaur for "aye."

Fine. I'll lower my prices by 10%.

I'll lower my prices by 20%.

30!

100%.

[whispers] What are you doing?

Fine. 110%!

He's going to pay us to take his food! You've got a deal, Mr. Centaur!

Well... I can't beat that.

Derby!

Mr. Cyclops! Wait!

Why did you do that? You don't have any food!

Centaur Foods is a fake company!

Then explain these business cards.

I printed them for you.

I like the way you take initiative.

There might be a place for you at Centaur Foods.

Why don't you call human resources in the morning?

Ooh! Any openings for someone lazy and unmotivated?

Sure. Tear yourself off a card.

Oh, I have to tear it off myself?

Forget it. [sighs]

Mr. Cyclops, please listen!

The truth is, the school is having serious budget problems.

We're in danger of losing essential programs like science.

And candle appreciation.

Well, we can't let that happen.

Maybe I can help.

"Cyclops Foods High"?

I don't know if corporate sponsorship was a good idea.

Oh, you worry too much.

This is supposed to be a school,

not one big commercial for Cyclops Foods.

Other canned fats are simply...

[all] preposterous!

Cyclops uses only the finest...

[all] hippopotamus!

Warning: though saturated and...

[all] homogenous!

The smallest bits will lodge in your...

[all] esophagus!

Buy Cyclops Foods!

Yay!

Bravo!

I cannot stand the sound of one hand clapping.

We have to do something about this.

You're right. Where's Principal Tater?

Right here.

See? They even changed our school mascot

and got rid of the Finnegan Fryer.

[Tater] Didn't you once complain about the Finnegan Fryer,

and try to get me to change the mascot?

That was last season.

Last football season.

Look at the things Cyclops Foods has done to the school.

[Tater] I would...

but, ironically, I can't see in this thing.

You have to do something. This is a real problem.

[Tater] Hmm. How so?

Whoaaa! Uggh! Whoaaaa!

Don't roll your eye at me!

Look, I know there have been a lot of changes around here,

but the money we've gotten from Cyclops Foods

has done a lot of good for the school.

I know they pay my salary, but this is blood money!

By the way, why do they sell canned blood?

Okay. That looks bad.

But you should see the detention room. It's luxurious now.

Reclining chairs, big-screen TVs, a hippopotamus-fat fountain.

And just to be clear,

it doesn't spray hippopotamus fat,

it's made from it.

It sprays canned blood.

And I've saved the best for last.

Check out your new state-of-the-art science lab.

Compliments of Cyclops Foods.

[gasps] A fully-digital immersion-lens electron microscope

with subnanometer resolution and beam deceleration!

You can feel the quality.

Don't break that!

Ahh! I finally have a microscope that can see things that are microscopic.

Now my students will believe

that the world's smallest organism isn't Derby.

Come on! It's all I have.

Adam, don't be tempted by this stuff. It's a deal with the devil.

Mr. Cyclops is not the devil.

He just dresses like the devil.

Oh, this?

I was shooting a commercial...

"Cyclops deviled ham..."

"ster."

Mr. Cyclops, thanks for the great equipment.

I'll be able to teach my students anything.

Yep. As long as it's not part of the old curriculum.

You're changing the curriculum?

Of course not!

I'm eliminating the curriculum.

Then what will we use all this equipment for?

Creating and testing new products for Cyclops Foods.

See? I told you we shouldn't take their money.

Shut up, and eat your artificial fat-flavored fat-free fat.

I hope you guys don't mind creating products for Cyclops.

This isn't all that different from regular science class.

Yes, it is. I'm enjoying myself.

I've come up with a way to make stealing lunches easier.

"Stealables." The first sandwich with a handle.

It's an early prototype.

Well...

I figured, since we have to work for Cyclops Foods,

I may as well try to make their food healthier.

I'm going to replace the cream filling of their snack cakes with spinach paste.

[cake squeaking]

Hold still.

[cake squeaking]

This is for your own good.

- [cake chirps] - Ahh! [thud]

Well, I'm taste-testing a new snack food.

Cyclops brand "Sweatzels"... Sweat-flavored pretzels.

They're pretty tasty, and... naturally salty.

Are you okay, Derby?

Whoa!

Yeah, I feel great. I got 40 winks last night.

Well, maybe it was more like 20.

Derby, what happened to your face?

What happened to your face?

- Go look in the mirror. - Don't want to.

You're missing an eye.

Sorry. "I" don't want to.

- Look at your reflection. - I'm a monster!

How did this happen?

I don't know. What did you do last night?

I went home, watched TV, and ate five bags of Sweatzels.

[gasps] TV made me a Cyclops!

Or... the chemicals in the Sweatzels mutated you.

Yeah, one of those two things.

Did you give those Sweatzels to anyone else?

Derby, this product is amazing!

[crunching]

Mr. Tater, you're a cyclops!

I know!

This new eye is great. I don't need glasses anymore.

I have 20 vision.

Derby, I need you to get me the rest of those Sweatzels.

So you have something to snack on

while you work on this TV-mutation problem?

Or...

This plan had better work.

I look hideous!

You look pretty good to me.

Hey! My eye... Is up here.

Give me your lunch, two-eyes!

Ehh.

All right, everyone's here.

Wait. Where's Dang?

You called?

[shrieks]

Something is wrong with my depth perception.

Okay, here's the plan.

Mr. Cyclops is on his way. When he gets here...

We demand longer hours and lower pay!

Okay... Here's the new plan.

Derby, go home.

See you tomorrow!

All right, I'm here. What do you want?

Notice anything different about us?

Yeah! You're not working.

How is that different?

Open your eye, man.

We're Cyclopses! We're horribly deformed.

No offense.

Some taken.

And it's all because of your Sweatzels.

- What? - The entire school has been affected.

And we're gonna sue you for every penny you have!

Aww! Why did I convert my entire fortune into pennies?

It seemed fun and whimsical at the time,

but now it just seems foolish! And heavy.

- Whatever. We'll see you in court! - Unless you're standing off to the side.

You don't need to sue me.

We can settle out of court. What do you want?

Your name off the school.

Education should not be run by corporations.

Pack up your stuff, leave, and never come back.

But the fat fountain stays!

Fine. But you're still going to buy my food, right?

Of course.

I can't think of a better artificial spray-cheese to eat off my face.

[cheering]

So... let's have the antidote.

Antidote?

So, we're stuck like this?

Get him!

Hey... where'd he go?

Stop giving me the stink-eye.

I can come up with an antidote in my new, state-of-the-art lab.

Where is everything?

You missed Crazy Tater's "everything must go" sale!

Everything went!

It was madness!

But I needed that equipment! Now we're stuck like this.

Hey, guys. What's new?

You have two eyes!

That's not new.

I've had two eyes for almost my entire life.

How did you do it?

I don't know. Went home last night,

ate a bunch of walnuts, and watched TV.

[gasps] That's it!

TV cured me!

Or...

the pedunculagin in the walnuts

must have counteracted the effects of the mutation.

What?

I'm a bit of a nut enthusiast.

Whatever! Do you have any walnuts?

Just a few.

Great! Everybody, eat walnuts.

There's nothing to open them with.

You sold every nutcracker in the whole place?

I know. Heh-heh. It's madness!

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