Original subtitles

The Athyrium filix-femina, or "lady fern,"

is one of many plant species with natural healing qualities.

The roots are dried and ground into dust to help heal wounds.

I'm not surprised.

Grinding things into dust always makes me feel better.

[bell rings]

Adam, do you have a minute?

Echo! Of course, I have a minute. Or an hour.

Or an entire lifetime filled with joy and laughter, and, yes, tears.

But tears of joyful laughter.

I was just wondering what you thought about magic?

You mean cheesy showmanship predicated on the lie

that one can break the laws of physics

by waving a stick and uttering nonsensical gibberish?

Yeah! Magic!

I love magic.

Me too!

I mean, what is science, really, other than boring magic?

In that case, I got passes to this magician's club

called the Magic Mansion,

and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me tonight?

You? Me?

Magic Mansion? Tonight?

Yes. Those are some of the words I used.

? Goodbye, summer, Hello, fall ?

? We've been trying to get here ?

? Since we both Were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you callin' kid? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Can call me what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word ?

? Where I am here ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

Can you believe it?

Echo and I are going

on our first real date. [sighs]

There's nowhere I'd rather be tonight

than the Magic Mansion,

my personal feelings against magic

and the sweaty charlatans

who perform it aside.

Well, I hope you and Echo

have a great time together.

Thanks, Derby. That means a lot.

So, what are you up to tonight?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Echo invited me to go with her

to the Magic Mansion.

What?

I know. It doesn't sound half as exciting

as your night.

You're sure Echo invited you

to the Magic Mansion?

I've never been more sure about anything. Echo walked up to me...

And asked me if I wanted to go to the Magic Mansion...

With her tonight.

[all three] And I said yes.

Great. Anyone else invited?

Yeah.

I don't believe this.

Is an intimate evening for two really so much to ask?

I told you, I already have plans.

You guys are going to the Magic Mansion tonight?

Mr. Tater, you know about that?

Sure. I heard it through the grapevine.

Why is there a grapevine in the hallway?

For hearing through.

Anyway... I want in.

I have been trying to get a membership to the Magic Mansion for years.

I didn't know you did magic.

I mean, other than making women disappear.

This has nothing to do with magic. I just collect membership cards.

The Club Soda Club?

The Club-membership Card-Collectors' Club?

The International Society of Tater-Haters?

By the way... your monthly dues are late.

Anyway, I have a good feeling about the Magic Mansion tonight.

Until then... I shall bid you... adieu!

[poof!]

[coughing]

Did I mention I'm not a magician?

[coughing]

Welcome to the Magic Mansion.

I am Gustav the Grand, master mage of the manor.

Ooh! That's one of the highest titles a magician can achieve.

Yes, way more impressive than my advanced degrees

in astrophysics and molecular biomechanics.

I know, right?

I see that you are admiring Calistico's Cabinet of Curiosities.

What's curious is, it looks exactly like a box.

It is more than "a box."

It is a portal to another dimension.

Oh! You must be referring

to one of the 11 dimensions of space-time

outlined in professor Edward Witten's superstring theory hypothesis.

Behold! The magic cabinet!

You, young lady.

Do you dare step through the enchanted door?

Great spirit of Calistico!

Please guide this lost soul into the forbidden realm!

Voil�!

[gasp]

Adam! A girl just magically disappeared.

Why aren't you clapping?

I was just so stunned to witness actual magic

doing what a false door triggered by a hidden button never could.

Wow! How'd you do that?

I've had this quarter stuck in my ear since I was 7!

I've gone to countless doctors, and they said it was hopeless.

Excuse me, Mr... The grand?

I was wondering how I could become a member of the Magic Mansion.

All initiates must prove their worth by astounding us

with an amazing feat of sorcery, and pay $30.

Great.

So to join this magicians' club, I have to perform a magic trick?

I'll show you a trick.

I'm gonna make that nerd magician's underwear appear.

Excuse me.

Don't worry.

I'll get to the end of this thing.

Yah!

[pained] bravo.

Hey, Echo. I hear there's a guy pulling a hat out of a rabbit.

Want to check it out with me?

Oh, sorry. I already promised Slab I'd go through the Wizard's Maze with him.

It should only take two or three hours.

I'll be right with you. I just need to... freshen up.

I can show you where the bathroom is.

Here you go.

That's not the bathroom. That's the magic box.

Quick! Look over there!

Wow, there are a lot of interesting things going on over there.

Oh. Here's the bathroom.

Found it myself. A lot of help you were.

Hey! There's no toilet in here. Oh, well.

[pants unzipping]

- Hey, Adam. - Ah!

What? I didn't just make Slab disappear to get him out of the way

so I could spend more time with Echo.

And I'm definitely not planning to do that with everyone else.

Sorry? I can't hear you! Some magician put quarters in my ears.

Okay, you want to see a trick? Here's a trick.

I'm still working on "up."

That's what you wanted to show me?

Not enough? I can "walk the dog."

Come on, doggie! Tch, tch, tch, tch! Fetch the membership card.

To join the Magic Mansion, you need to do somethingmagical.

Hey. So I was thinking we could go get lost...

In the Wizard's Maze?

In the Wizard's Maze, in each other's eyes... whichever.

Let's invite everyone. I bet they all want to come.

Great idea.

I'll go round them up.

So we can all have a great time together.

Congratulations, ya crazy kids! Ya beat the record!

[click!]

[students grunting]

[button clicks]

[telephone rings]

Hello?

I'm not at home, but I assume my refrigerator is running.

Hey, dummy, did you hear about the thief

who stole the calendar?

How can I hear anything?

Some loser magician stuck quarters in my ears.

That's right... he got 12 months.

Because, as I mentioned, he... stole a calendar.

Ventriloquism is not magic.

You need to do a magic trick.

Oh-kay...

[Tater whispering]

[like carnival barker] Pick a card!

[normal voice] Okay.

[like barker] Is it the nine of diamonds?

[gasps dramatically]

[normal voice] How did you do that?

That was wonderful!

I'm putting you up for immediate membership status.

That's great! You're letting me in!

Not you. Him.

Hey, baldy. I'm gonna need 30 bucks.

Hey, Ivy! Check out this magic pitcher.

No matter how much you pour it, nothing comes out.

I don't believe that for a second.

See? You'll fall for anything.

Oh, no. You're all wet.

Lucky for you, there's a boutique right over here.

Ooh! [gasps giddily]

That is lucky!

Extremely convenient and unlikely, but lucky!

Ooh!

Look at these darling blouses.

Why look when you can try them on?

So? What do you think?

Um... I think it makes you look trashy?

Perfect!

I mean, not trashy.

Aww!

Try that one on.

[button clicks]

Gather 'round.

I will now perform a magic trick

that will impress even the most skeptical among you.

First... I put this magic powder into this enchanted vessel.

Then...

I add a cup...

of dragon milk!

Then...

I take my magic wand...

and magically...

mix until smooth.

Then... the elixir goes into this...

pan.

Then we slide it into this... magic box!

Now we wait 30 magical minutes. [timer dings]

[timer dings]

[under breath] Hoo! Whew!

And presto!

Liquid has turned to solid.

So you baked a cake?

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

A magician never reveals his secrets.

Derby!

What did you pull me away for?

I wanted to see if that guy could get out of that airtight trunk.

Derby, did you lock a guy in an airtight trunk?

So, what did you want to show me?

This bank vault.

And it's... [locks clicking]

wide open!

Filled with untold riches for the taking.

Forget it. Mo' money, mo' problems.

Look, Derby...

[door creaks open]

an elevator!

And it goes to the rooftop nightclub.

Ooh!

And it's ladies' night.

Oh. So I'd still have to pay the cover charge.

Look, Derby!

A cardboard box! Yay!

[button clicks]

Adam!

Did you just make Derby disappear?

Uh...

Wait a second.

Did you make everyone disappear?

Uh...

That is so... magical!

I didn't know you could do magic.

Oh, sure!

Been performing magic for years.

You probably didn't know because I use a stage name.

"Adam Cadabra."

Really? I thought you went to MIT.

I did! The Magical Institute of Trickery.

No kidding!

That's where I went!

You simply must give us a performance.

- Oh, I don't know if... - Please?

For me?

I'd be delighted to.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Adam Cadabra!

I knew him back when he was a worthless science teacher.

Prepare to be... Adam-azed!

[audience gasps]

I will need a volunteer from the audience.

How about this young lady I've never seen before? Echo?

Don't be frightened.

I trust you.

I love you, too.

Get in the box! Bring out the box!

Wrong box. I mean the other box.

The disappearing box with the button.

That old parlor trick?

Nah!

This crowd wants to see this girl sawed in half!

Yeah!

How exciting!

Every magician saws people in half.

Instead, how about I saw an inch... off her bangs?

We're not licensed to cut hair.

Just saw her in half already!

All right, then. Let me just examine the box.

There are no hidden levers or secret panels

anywhere on this thing!

I'm ready.

You don't want to see this trick! I know a few others...

Like how to transform a liquid into a solid.

Impothible!

Adam, everybody wants to watch you saw me in half.

[applause]

Obviously, this isn't a real saw, so it should pass harmlessly through...

Owie! This is a real saw! And it's really, really sharp and pointy!

Why do you people keep applauding? This isn't a trick!

I'm about to saw a living, breathing woman in half.

Okay, I'm ready. Saw away!

Why? Why did I let it get this far?

Why am I still sawing?

[audience] Whoa!

It's over!

Are you happy now? Are you entertained?

What have I done?

I never meant for this to happen.

Adam?

I did it? I sawed you in half?

[dramatic soundtrack plays]

[crowd cheering]

Uh, hello?

[crowd cheering]

Aren't you forgetting something?

[cheering continues]

Astounding.

I've never seen anyone sell the saw routine like that before.

Then you've never seen Adam Cadabra before.

The fear in your eyes! The trembling of your lips!

The way you peed a little...

All part of the act.

Please, do us the honor of accepting a lifetime membership

to the Magic Mansion.

Thank you! What a privilege.

You still have to pay the 30 bucks.

What?

You're letting him in now?

I turned a liquid into a solid,

which I later heard someone say was "impossible."

Gustav, I'll handle this.

You're welcome to join our exclusive club.

- I am? - He is?

Yes!

In fact...

why don't you head over to our membership department

and fill out the necessary forms?

That's more like it.

[button clicks]

[crowd oohing]

This guy's good.

I should've thought of that years ago.

Hey, Echo!

What do you say you and Adam Cadabra get together tonight

for a little close-up magic?

No, thanks.

What? Why not?

I thought you love magicians.

I know the truth now! Magic isn't real.

The whole cutting-me-in-half routine was just a trick.

I folded my legs into a false panel,

and the legs that the audience saw were fake.

So that was the secret!

I mean... shh!

Magic is so lame. I can't believe you're into it.

Where is everyone?

Oh, no...

[echoing] We'll be out of this dark dimension in no time.

Derby's calling for help.

Then why don't you go catch it?

[Derby snickering]

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