Original subtitles

Here's your lunch, little guy. I'll pick you up at 3:00.

Derby... you have class.

Thank you. I do consider myself a distinguished gentleman.

Whoa! Who's the pretty girl?

And, more importantly, who's the pretty girl?

It's her first day. I think she's one of my students.

She's new?

That means she doesn't know anything about me.

I'd better make my move before people start spreading nasty truths about me.

Hi. I'm the most popular person in school,

and when you hear otherwise, just know it's less popular people

lashing out in jealousy.

Want to go out sometime?

Go out with you? That sounds great!

Great, I tell you. Great!

Really? I'm Derby.

The name's Pickles. Patsy Pickles.

"Pickles?" That reminds me of something.

Perhaps you've heard of my father, Preston Pickles.

"As seen on TV."

Buttercup.

Why are you talking to this worthless piece of garbage?

Worthless?

Worthless. I tell you, worthless!

Now, let's deliver you to class.

Act now, and I'll waive the shipping and handling charges.

That's an opportunity too good to pass up!

[gasps] Pickles...

Now I remember.

Adam... I forgot to put pickles on your sandwich!

? Goodbye, summer, hello, fall ?

? We've been trying to get here ?

? Since we both Were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you callin' kid? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Can call me what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word ?

? Where I am here ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

I'm thinking the three-tiered wedding cake with butter-cream frosting.

And... the chartreuse napkins.

[sighs]

Derby, it's a little early to be planning your wedding.

Besides, you can't date Patsy.

Her dad is Preston Pickles.

Who?

Are you kidding me?

You don't remember what happened?

"Previously, in Mr. Young's class..."

Hi. I'm Preston Pickles.

You may know me from the "shoe iron,"

the "portable doorbell,"

and various class-action lawsuits.

I'm a huge fan of your infomercials.

With your hair formula and my marketing genius,

together, we'll make millions!

Millions, I tell you. Millions!

[Derby] Oh... this is bad.

I needed "Hair Today" to be a big seller!

I'll be ruined!

Ruined! [gasps, grunts]

I was ruined by that whole "Hair Today" debacle.

You don't blame me for any of that, do you?

You think if I'd held grudges, I'd have taken a job

where I have to see you, every day?

- Probably. - You couldn't be more wrong!

Why would anyone want to be this close to their mortal enemy?

"Mortal enemy"?

Figure of speech. Like "bane of my existence."

Or "person I'm going to kill!"

[beep]

Wow... the school has really good security footage.

Preston Pickles hates you. He tried to kill you.

But he's given the world so much!

Like "chair-pants."

And the "spnife."

"Spnife"?

He went the spork one better, and combined a spoon with a knife.

People would be singing his praises today...

if they hadn't cut off their tongues.

Derby, you can't date that man's daughter.

Are you kidding? She's everything I ever wanted in a girl.

She said yes when I asked her out!

Now, if you'll excuse me, Patsy's waiting.

Huh.

I wonder why I'm the only one who signed up for driver's ed.

Hello, class.

Ahh... That's why.

Who's ready to put their life in my hands?

I have to admit, I was a little nervous before.

Now I'm terrified.

Hello, Mrs. Byrne.

You here to learn how to drive, baldy?

No. It's time for your yearly teacher review.

Don't worry. You won't even notice I'm here.

Of course I won't. I'm a woman.

I'm so happy we met, Patsy.

Me, too!

I am having a fantastic time.

And if you don't believe me, listen to this testimonial!

When I first met Derby, I was skeptical.

But I'm having a fantastic time.

But if that's not proof enough, how about this?

Wow.

If only I could remember this moment forever.

Well, now you can...

With this "Patsy and Derby" commemorative plate!

And... if you act now, not only will you receive a second kiss,

you'll also receive...

[Preston] Patsy!

- Daddy! - Wait! What will I also receive?

Are you dating Derby? That makes me sick to my stomach.

Luckily, I never go anywhere without the Preston Pickles vomit hat!

[gags and vomits]

Patsy, this scoundrel made my life miserable.

Miserable, I tell you. Miserable!

I forbid you to see him.

You are so unfair! I am sick of you treating me like a baby.

Don't use that tone with me, young lady.

This is the worst day ever! I hate you.

I know you don't mean that.

But I forbid you to see Derby again.

And if you defy me,

I will be forced to use

the Preston Pickles boyfriend eliminator.

[mimicking Preston] I think I should run now.

Is this safe?

Shouldn't these seats have seat belts?

[Tater] Mine does.

Here are the most important driving signals.

This means "turning left."

This means "turning right."

And this means, "You're a dashing fellow.

What say we pull over and check out the back seat?"

[Tater gags and vomits]

Mrs. Byrne...

maybe the class would benefit from some time behind the wheel.

No! Driving's not necessary.

This is safer.

Very few car accidents up here on the second floor.

No... Driving's a great idea.

In fact, I just got a new car.

Wow. That thing is really old.

She's standing right there.

Okay, hop on in.

You really expect me to drive this thing? Does it even start?

Of course! This baby starts in a jiffy.

First, you put the car in neutral.

Next, crank the crank 12 times.

[rattling]

Then, we'll pour coal into the coal tank...

pull the choke...

wait for the water to boil...

[steam whistling]

open the steam valve, and...

we're ready to burn rubber!

[engine puttering]

- Good afternoon, Mr. Young. - One second.

I'm just "rockin' out," using this device I built

to carve core samples out of igneous rock.

What can I do for you?

You called me in. For a parent-teacher conference.

I should know. I received the call on my... phone.

Uh... I didn't call you.

We did.

Patsy! I thought I told you to stay away from that troublemaker.

Oh, I thought you said "stubble maker."

As in the Preston Pickles stubble maker?

Just run the stubble maker over your face and...

voil�, you need a shave.

But, no, I said "troublemaker."

I know you don't like me, sir, but I have a lot of good qualities,

as you can see from this.

[light, lively intro plays]

Hi, I'm Derby.

You may remember me

from defying your wishes and dating your daughter.

Well, today, I'm here to introduce you to something

that will make you feel better about all of that...

The Derby!

The easy-to-love boyfriend,

complete with a variety of features ideal for your daughter.

[whoosh!]

He cooks!

[beep]

[whoosh!]

He cleans!

He even gets along with fathers.

[laughing convivially]

We're totally getting along.

Please, make out with my daughter.

Okay! I think we've all seen enough.

I know I have.

Wow! What an infomercial.

The Derby is just the thing for my daughter...

to never see again.

Come on, Patsy.

Let's go.

[deep voice] Patsy's not here.

Just this unshaven gentleman.

[engine puttering]

The key to being a good driver is to stay focused

and keep your eyes on the...

Helloooo, chappy.

[bang, hiss]

What was that?

[sputtering]

[engine bangs, stops]

Oh, no. We're out of coal.

Someone's going to have to walk and get us more.

I'll take care of it.

Okay. Found a coal mine.

Told you I'd take care of it.

[glass shattering]

Oh, no! My glasses fell off and broke! I can't drive without them.

I guess it's up to you, Mr. Tater.

[whistling nonchalantly]

You do know how to drive, don't you?

Of course, I know how to drive.

What with the... turny-circle and the...

"go" foot-button.

You were just sitting in on the class trying to learn how to drive!

You weren't doing a teacher evaluation!

Of course not.

If we evaluated our teachers, we wouldn't have any left.

See you later, Patsy cakes.

Derby? I thought you weren't allowed to see Patsy anymore.

Her father had a change of heart.

He replaced his heart with the Preston Pickles artificial heart,

which not only pumps your blood, it plays digital music files.

Unrelated to that, he changed his mind about me dating Patsy.

Great. Let's have lunch.

What is that?

The Preston Pickles laser can-opener.

It not only opens the can, it heats the food inside.

Ah, steaming-hot fruit cocktail.

That's my igneous rock cutter.

Don't you see why Preston changed his mind about you?

He and Patsy are using you

to gain access to my lab and steal my ideas.

I'm offended you think Patsy would steal your ideas.

What kind of despicable person does that?

Derby! That can-opener you gave me is selling like gangbusters.

Keep those inventions coming,

and you'll be dating my daughter for years, years, I tell you.

Or at least a couple of months.

Let's face it, you're teenagers.

[pop music plays]

You wanted to see us?

I thought we could celebrate your relationship

with some delicious, ripe fruit.

Oh, no!

I am out of delicious, ripe fruit.

How many times has this happened to you?

Luckily... I have this...

the juice-fruiter!

It takes ordinary fruit juice

and reconstitutes it into your favorite fruit.

[whirring and humming]

[ding!]

[crunches]

Mm. Tastes like the future.

And, as everyone knows,

the future tastes like a freshly picked apple.

Wow! That is amazing!

Thank you.

Anyway, I have to go do a...

different task.

I will now leave this incredible invention... unattended.

I'm doing it! I'm driving. I don't know what I was so afraid of.

[horns honking]

And listen to those honks of good will! Even the other cars are rooting for you.

[siren wailing]

It's the coppers! Step on the coal.

[emergency brake engages]

I don't have a license! What am I gonna do?

Don't worry.

I do.

Ma'am, this is a 60 zone and you were going... two.

License, please.

Here you go, you young whippersnapper.

Wait a second.

If this is you... who's that?

[bass voice] My name is Principal Tater,

as you can see from my scooter license.

And my name's Echo.

I'm a teenage girl.

Tee-hee-hee.

Whatever. You don't need I.D. to sit in the back.

Well, everything seems perfectly normal here.

That's right, perfectly normal.

Tee... hee... hee.

Ha. Just as I suspected! My juice-fruiter was stolen.

Yeah, well, Patsy was nowhere near this room.

She has an airtight alibi.

Thanks to the Preston Pickles airtight-alibi sealer.

We'll have our answer once we check the security footage.

The security footage. Right.

Let's find out what happened... Earlier today, in Mr. Young's class...

Now I can give this invention to Preston Pickles,

so he can pass it off as his own,

and he'll keep letting me date his daughter.

While I continue to be impressed by the production values

of our security footage,

I can't help but notice that that clip was mostly clunky exposition.

I mean, why would I just stand there saying

what I already know to no one?

I can't believe you double-crossed me. Usually, you triple-cross me.

I'm sorry.

A girl liking you makes you do crazy things.

You know that... from watching it happen to other people.

Well, guess what, buddy? It was a set-up.

I booby-trapped that juice-fruiter to blow up

the next time it's turned on.

Oh, no. Preston's planning on unveiling it tonight

when he hosts the "As Seen on TV" infomercial awards.

If it blows up in his face, this whole scheme blows up in my face.

He'll never let Patsy near me again.

Derby... you really like this girl, don't you?

Are you kidding? Let's review the footage.

No need. We can still fix this.

We just need to get to the show and steal back the juice-fruiter.

[Preston] It's time for the 25th annual "As Seen on TV" awards.

Please welcome your host,

and a close, personal friend of mine, Preston Pickles!

Thank you. Thank you. I see we have a full house tonight!

[sighs] Where are the chair-pants-fillers?

Now, I know you're all waiting for me to unveil my latest product...

but first, the award for "best product you never knew you needed."

And the nominees are...

Okay, we just need to blend in.

- [Preston] The short pants longinator! - [applause]

Hi! We're here for the "As Seen on TV" awards.

Here are our tickets, safely locked away

in the patent-pending impenetrable ticket safe.

And the winner is...

[electronic whirring]

[ding!]

Preston Pickles!

For the Preston Pickles stubble maker!

[applause]

[engine puttering]

[engages brakes]

I did it! I overcame my fear of driving a car.

And I overcame my fear of being a bald loser.

And I overcame my fear of...

Aw...

Well, you passed your driver's ed.

Now it's time for me to track down that chappy with the hot chassis.

Mrs. Byrne had spare glasses this entire time?

Oh! This was all just a brilliant ploy to help me overcome my fear of driving.

If I were really evaluating, I'd give her high marks for that.

But I'm not, so her file will continue to describe her as dangerously inept.

Preston hasn't unveiled the juice-fruiter yet.

All we have to do is get on stage and grab it first.

But how are we going to do that?

And the winner

of "best product made better by adding an alarm clock" is...

Wally Wonders!

You stall Wally Wonders.

I'll go up on stage, pretending to be him and grab the juice-fruiter.

Got it.

Congratulations, Wally.

Please enjoy a spnifeful of winner's soup.

- Thank you! - [man screams]

I can't believe I, the real Wally Wonders, won this award

for that amazing thing with the alarm clock in it.

Anyway, best be going.

Wait a second! I know what's going on here!

You're the real Wally Wonders

and you're trying to steal my juice-fruiter.

Wait one more second!

Now I know what's really going on here.

- [device whirring] - Don't touch that! It's rigged to...

[crowd groans]

Wow, that was cool, hey, pops?

Anyway, Patsy and I have plans, so don't wait up.

Are you joking? You embarrassed me in front of my peers.

From this moment on, you're forbidden to date my daughter.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Maybe we should let Patsy decide.

I can't believe you tried to ruin my father.

From this moment on, we're through.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Maybe we should let Adam decide.

Mm. Ow!

Mm... Ow!

Derby...

You're not still depressed about Patsy, are you?

I can't believe I lost my true love. I'll never be happy again.

Well, I have something that might cheer you up.

This package arrived for you earlier today.

Yay! It's here.

I'm so happy!

You're the best friend a guy could ever have.

Hey, thanks. You're my best friend, too.

Actually, I was talking to my Derby.

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