Original subtitles

Adam?

[mouthing words]

[gasp]

Adam, what is going on?

Work was hectic, and I wanted some peace and quiet.

And the only place that's truly silent is the airless vacuum of space.

And now the airless vacuum of our kitchen.

So you sucked all the air out of the room?

You couldn't have a bubble bath like a normal person?

You can't just do whatever you want around here

without any concern for the consequences!

I thought in space no one could hear you scream.

As long as you're living in my house, you'll live by my rules.

Well, maybe I won't live in your house anymore.

I've got a job. I can afford my own place.

So you think you can just walk out this door?

Mom, no!

[air whooshing]

Well, that could've been worse.

[Adam] Really? How?

"Apartment for rent." Hmm.

I think I'll give this guy a call.

Right after I have that bubble bath.

? Goodbye, summer, hello, fall ?

? We've been trying to get here ?

? Since we both Were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you callin' kid? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

? Can call me what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word ?

? Where I am here ?

? Who you callin' kid? ?

Hmm...

You see, the apartment is clean, nice. No murders.

Wow. This is really nice.

[sighing] And so quiet.

I'll set up my telescope by that window.

Here's where I'll put my bacteria farm.

No pets.

I can't believe my baby's moving so far away.

It's next door. Check your pedometer.

[robotic voice] You have walked 47 steps.

I remember when you took your first step.

You were four.

You weren't advanced at everything.

Did you say 47 steps?

It felt like more.

You have walked 877 steps.

We didn't all chase a squirrel on the way over.

Okay, you want place or not?

I want the place.

- By the way, there's no in-suite laundry. - No problem.

Mom's laundry service is only 47 steps away.

Dang, I need your help.

Can it wait? I am washing the windows.

Hey. Watch it!

Sorry.

This is important. I met a woman online. Her name's Gwen.

- Wow. - I know.

The quality you get from a desktop printer these days.

Plus, she's cute, isn't she?

Yes. What's wrong with her?

Is she missing the rest of her body?

No! She's a whole woman.

The problem is, I may have embellished a few minor details about my life.

For example, I told her I'm an inch taller than I really am.

And that I'm a billionaire.

Well, there was an old Vietnamese proverb,

"Rich is the man who has many friends.

And a lot of money."

Either way, you're not a rich man.

I know, right?

The problem is, Gwen's coming to visit this weekend!

I can't tell her I live with mommy.

You're right.

A billionaire would live in a mansion as big as this school.

A mansion as big as this school?

A mansion as big as this school...

Usually, repeating it twice helps me come up with an idea,

but nope.

[sighs]

Peace and quiet.

[Derby] Ding dong!

Why did I buy that bell that sounds like Derby?

Nice place.

Love the bell.

[Derby] Ding dong! Ding dong!

Wow! Look at the size of this mansion.

You knocked?

Ah, you must be Lady Gwendolyn.

Announcing Lady Gwendolyn, to see Lord Tater!

Hold your horses.

In fact, stable boy you can't see from there, hold mine.

Neigh!

Sorry I'm late. I was on a fox hunt.

I didn't catch anything. Neither did the fox.

What are you doing here?

Well, when I heard you moved in, I said to myself,

"I should go hang out with my good friend Adam."

Did you also say to yourself,

"Maybe my good friend Adam wants some peace and quiet"?

Why would I say that to myself?

My self wouldn't care about that.

Anyway, I'm just here on my never-ending quest

to have the world's greatest nap.

Here's a list of my top ten best naps so far.

These were all in my class.

Not all.

This one was when you were teaching in the quad.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get my napping pod.

Okay. Just don't be disruptive.

You won't even know I'm here.

[banging door frame]

Derby!

That's not a napping pod, it's a coffin.

I don't think so.

I asked the guy at the napping pod store if this was good for a nap,

and he said, "Yeah, a dirt nap."

Do you know what a dirt nap is?

I assume "dirt" stands for "Derby is really tired."

[banging door frame]

It's never going to get through the door. You have to...

Widen the door? Good idea!

"molecular structure of bubbles

resulted in a perpetual tug-of-war."

[Derby snoring]

[Derby] Ding dong!

Wow, that doorbell is annoying.

Who is it?

[Echo] It's Echo!

- Echo? - [Echo] Echo Zizzleswift!

Echo, what brings you here?

When I heard you had a place of your own,

I thought it might be an opportunity for a little role-playing.

Okay.

I'll be the ruggedly handsome schoolteacher.

You be the student who's madly in love with him.

I can work with that.

Uh, what's all this?

Wizards of War.

The role-playing game.

We didn't have anywhere to play

after Max spilled chocolate milk in his parents' basement

and got us banned for life.

Wow! This place is enormous.

And so unusually decorated.

I've never seen lockers in a private residence before.

Oh, those aren't lockers. They're safes.

"Slab"?

Uh, that's...

where I keep my slabs of gold.

My goodness.

Yep, they're all safes.

See for yourself.

Open one. Any one.

Not that one.

I'm sorry, I've spilled your money bags all over the place!

It's okay. That's why I have a maid.

[French accent] You called?

More nachos, serving wench!

"More nachos, serving wench, please"?

[Derby's] Ding dong!

What now?

Give me your kitchen, nerd tenant.

You're going to steal my lunch before I even make it?

No. But I like the way you think.

I run a soup kitchen.

I steal from the nerds and give to the poor.

I'm like that guy in that book.

- Robin Hood? - I don't know. You're the one who reads.

Come on in, boys.

All right.

I've got a nice tuna on rye, and...

a Granny Smith fruitball.

[Derby] Ding dong!

Oh, come on!

I brought you a housewarming gift... This doorbell.

[Ivy] Knock-knock!

Wait... you never give gifts without expecting something in return.

Aw, you remembered!

And now, my something in return.

I need your apartment.

What? Why?

I just learned that some companies test makeup on animals!

Like rabbits!

Yeah. It's terrible!

I know!

Why should they get free makeup while I have to pay for it?

Yes, animal testing is very hard on you.

So, I'm going to study rabbit behavior to see how they get all that free stuff.

Why can't you do that at home?

Rabbits are filthy, disgusting creatures. Would you want them in your house?

Run free, little guys!

Slab?

Park Bench Pete made a bindle out of my bedsheet.

He said this one wasn't big enough to hold all your stuff.

You dare cast a binding spell on me?

Prepare to meet my mace!

Her name is Kimberly.

- Whoa! - Hey!

Derby? Why aren't you in your...

napping pod?

I traded it to Railway Randy for these fingerless gloves.

Sucker.

I can't sleep.

I need the tranquil sounds of the ocean.

[waves crashing]

Well, at least that sounds peaceful.

[thud! pirates roaring]

- [woman] Aaaah! Help! Pirates! - Ah, that's better.

Well?

Hop, hop. Nibble, nibble.

Adam. It's me. Ivy.

You're kidding.

These hopping, fluffy rats are a health-code violation.

What kind of soup kitchen do you think I am running here?

[pirate] Arrrrr!

Sorry. What kind of soup kitchen do you thinkl are running here?

[Ivy] Hop. Hop, hop, hop.

I just wanted a little peace and quiet.

At least you're not bothering me.

[snarling]

Whoa!

Echo! Help!

Bring Kimberly!

Shall we sup in the great dining hall?

Thank you.

I was going to sit there, but, whatever.

Is this plastic?

No.

That's made of... white emerald.

Very valuable.

Because it is so fragile.

Anyway, my chef is preparing

the finest of billionaire delicacies in the cafeteria.

Cafeteria? Like in a school?

No.

Cafeteria with two F's.

It's an Italian word meaning "fancy kitchen."

Anyway, let's see if the chef is done in the caf-feteria.

Sprechen sie ding-a-ling?

We're ready for dinner.

Wunderbar!

I have prepared a smorgasbord of delights!

Dinner is served.

Is this sloppy Joe's?

Of course not. That's caviar.

On a bed of... hamburger bun.

Chicken wings?

Oh, no.

Those are... frog...

wings.

Spaghetti.

That's angel hair.

Angel hair pasta?

No. Angel hair.

And the meatballs?

Also angel.

Adam!

Hi, Mom.

Just picking up this... pickle fork.

You don't realize how much you need pickle forks

until you don't have them.

How are you doing?

Great.

- And the apartment? - The greatest.

Have you had any visitors?

One or two. It's mostly been quiet.

[screaming next-door]

Aaaaaah!

[thud!]

How are things here without me?

Really, really great.

[both] I miss you!

- I want to come home! - I want you to come home!

[both] Okay! One problem.

- I signed a two-year lease. - You signed a two-year lease.

[both] Wait, I have an idea!

Hey there, big boy.

I guess we had different ideas.

Did you enjoy the tour of the library?

It was very nice.

Though I'd have thought there'd be more leather-bound first editions

and fewer novels about teenage vampires.

Well, who's ready to play some... cro-quette?

I always thought it was pronounced "crow-kay."

Uh... it is.

That's just my billionaire accent coming through.

Here's your... "mall-ay."

Something just doesn't feel right about all this.

What? You mean it doesn't feel real?

Because it's all real! You can ask my gardener.

[Scottish accent] You called, laddie?

Or my bodyguard!

[Russian accent] You called, comrade?

Or my governess.

[British accent] You called, master?

No, that's not it.

It's just...

I don't feel comfortable with all this lavish wealth.

Your mansion, your fancy food,

all these servants who look exactly alike?

I'm sorry, it's just not the life for me.

Wait. You don't understand. I don't live here!

I live in a basement apartment with my mother.

We don't have servants.

I'm the servant.

I pumice her corns. I tweeze her recurring chin hairs.

Oh!

Well, that's not the life for me either.

Well, I guess this just proves that all the fake money in the world

can't buy happiness.

[shouting, laughter]

Who knew he couldn't be bribed with free candles?

Let's try my idea.

See?

I've really trashed the place.

You should probably break my lease and kick me out.

I've been meaning to install new mail slots.

[pots and pans clattering]

Careful! I told you that pot was hot!

Why would you use fingerless oven mitts?

They were a gift from Tin Can Alan.

Is that guy running a soup kitchen?

He sure is!

What a wonderful way to give back.

Die, knight, die!

That was close. You should really kick me out.

Are they playing Wizards of War?

Oh, that takes me back. To my game last Tuesday.

You may not think it to look at me, but I'm a level nine Shadowdancer.

I would think it to look at you.

Hop! Hop, hop, hop.

[laughing] Whoa! That's the biggest bunny rabbit I've ever seen.

Not very cute, though. Kind of plain.

Plain?

Is that Greek for pretty?

No.

I need that free makeup!

Hop, hop, hop.

I told you no pets.

The lease is very clear.

That's right, no pets!

- So I'm afraid that means... - Yes?

I'm going to have to change my pet policy.

I don't want you to change your pet policy!

I'm trying to get out of my lease!

Oh! Why didn't you say so?

You can't.

But if you don't want to live here, get someone to sublet the place from you.

It'll be a big step, living apart from mommy.

But I think it's time I had my own place.

[sighs] I can't wait to have mommy over!

[Tater] No! No! You rolled a six!

Stay in prison, elven sorceress!

Whoa, easy now.

Put down that pickle fork.

It's only a game!

[window shatters, Tater screaming]

[thud!]

Are you here with the rent check?

Uh...

it's in the mail.

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