Original subtitles

Sound waves travel through three

tiny bones to the cochlea.

- The brain interprets - these vibrations,

And that's how we hear.

[all chatting]

Did anyone hear me?

Oh, Echo,

at least you were listening.

Actually, I was wondering

if I could borrow your charger.

My phone's almost dead,

and I'm in the middle of

a really interesting

conversation.

Echo, you still there?

Yeah, sorry. So, did the

squirrel ever get the jar open?

Is everybody in my class talking

while I'm teaching?

You're listening

to "Drive Time with Derby."

The topic today

is boring teachers.

Derby? Are you hosting a radio

call-in show during my class?

Some would say

you're teaching a class

during my radio call-in show.

Caller, you're on the air.

Hi. Long-time listener,

first-time caller.

I'm principal of Finne...

a local high school...

and we have some of

the worst teachers.

One of them's a kid!

A kid teacher? That is wild!

You know what?

Since you guys like

talking in class so much,

- I'm going to give you - an assignment

Where you get to talk in class.

[conversations continue]

I'm talking about

oral presentations!

Each of you will tell the class

about a great scientific

discovery.

You mean, like cheese?

- I was thinking something - more significant.

Something that's had

a real impact

on human civilization.

So, like spray cheese?

Well, if you want my advice,

Principal "X,"

I'd kick that kid teacher

to the curb.

OK, we've got another caller.

You're on the line with Derby.

Derby! Get off the air!

- We're going to take - a short break.

We'll be back right after this.

? Goodbye, summer

hello, fall ?

? We've been trying

to get here ?

? Since we both

were barely two feet tall ?

? Who you calling kid?

Who you calling kid? ?

? Who you calling kid? ?

- ? You can call me - what you want ?

? But I won't hear a word

where I am here ?

? Who you calling kid? ?

[polite applause]

Thank you, Ken,

for that enlightening look

at one of the world's

greatest discoveries...

the bus pass.

And that was my presentation

on one of the world's

greatest discoveries...

sarcasm.

Echo, would you like to...

- [thinking]: - Don't say "Marry me."

Don't say "Marry me."

go next?

Sure.

One of the greatest

scientific discoveries ever

was made by a woman.

[Slab cracking up]

Excellent.

Always open with a joke.

It's not a joke!

I'm talking about

Polish-born Marie Curie,

who was the first person

to win two Nobel Prizes.

Yeah, for her research

on the radiation phenomena,

- and again for - her twin discoveries

Of radium and polonium!

[cracking up]

- [stops laughing]: - Wait a minute...

That's pretty impressive.

She was studying radiation

in Paris

in the late 19th century...

- while living - with her husband, Pierre.

[with a bad French accent]:

Marie, ma cherie, I am home.

- [Polish accent]: - Pierre, how was your day

Lecturing at the university?

Oh, comme ci, comme ca.

I try to teach,

but my students just talk.

- I caught one of them - with a phone,

And had to confiscate it.

[grunting]: Oh...

Well, get that off the table.

It's time for dinner.

Ooh. [chuckles]

What are we having?

Don't touch that!

It's "polonium."

Never heard of it.

That's because

I just discovered it.

Why can't you use a cookbook,

like other wives?

Polonium is poisonous,

and highly radioactive.

Mm, can't be worse

than your pierogies.

Anyway...

- I've invited - another scientist over.

- Someone I met at - that physics conference

In Belgium.

[knocks]

[German accent]:

Guten tag, Marie!

I see you're dressed

a little more conservatively

than when we were

at that conference,

skinny-dipping.

Albert, this is

my husband, Pierre.

- [normal voice]: - He's Einstein?

Seriously?

- [normal voice]: And - you're married to her...

- You really want - to start pulling threads?

[barks]: Knock-knock!

- And who are you - supposed to be?

I'm Mrs. Byrne.

I'm here to borrow

a cup of sugar from you,

but I'd rather

he gave me some sugar.

["German" accent]: Yech...

why did I come here

instead of Freud's barbecue?

[snapping tongs]

- ["German" accent]: You don't - know what you're missing.

I have the most delicious

mother.

Potato salad!

I don't know what happened...

That just slipped out.

I've got to go.

My mother is smoking.

The turkey is smoking!

Why do I keep doing that?

Not this. This is polonium.

Nope. That's radium.

Ah. Here's the sugar.

[sugar hums and crackles]

[chuckles awkwardly]

Maybe I shouldn't store this

next to the radioactive

isotopes.

So, what's for dinner?

Are you sure you

wouldn't like a pierogi?

No, thanks.

Those things are fatty,

and I plan to live a long life.

Oh!

Toodle-oo.

[door shuts]

Oh, no!

Did you guys drink

my radioactive isotopes?

- Non. - Nein.

That stuff can cause

horrible mutations.

- [Adam, French accent]: - Ooh, look at us!

We are horribly mutated!

[laughter]

[shrieks]

You're horribly mutated!

- I know. - That's what I just said.

- Everything I say - sounds like mockery

Because I'm French.

And then Pierre Curie

and Albert Einstein

did the monster mash.

The end!

Thank you, Echo, for...

Don't say

"Coming into my life."

that occasionally-accurate

story about Marie Curie.

And for coming into my life...

- [quickly]: - Who'd like to go next?

You're listening to

"Drive Time with Derby,"

and we're talking about

lame homework assignments

and how to get out of 'em.

Derby, let's hear

your presentation.

- If you have any suggestions, - call in now.

[grunts]: Or send in your

scientific discovery paper

in the next 30 seconds

- and get a free - "Drive Time with Derby"

Baby-doll t-shirt.

[gasps]

OK, Derby, what great discovery

will you be presenting?

[ding!]

Oh! I have an idea.

- [electricity hums - then fizzles out]

Oh, no, it's gone.

[ding!]

Now it's back!

Who can tell me what this is?

That's right!

It's a fat lady leaning over

to pick up a light bulb.

Interesting story

about the light bulb...

[??]

Look, Tesla!

[croaking]: Yes, Mr. Edison?

You know how girls

love to dance?

Not really.

Well, they do... with me.

And why wouldn't they?

I'm smart, I'm charming,

I don't have a hump.

My shoulders are even...

I can sleep on my back.

I get it!

- That's why - I've invented the phonograph,

- To impress the lovely - Mina Miller.

[crank creaking]

[music begins crackling]

[??]

Tommy, I'm here.

What did you want to show me?

This...

[??]

Wow! You're quite

a good dancer.

And what even shoulders!

[grunts]: Ah!

[??]

You blew out the candle.

[huffs]: Now I see

what's going on here!

- You just want to - get fresh with me.

Well, I'm not that kind of girl.

- I'd slap you, - if I could see you.

[??]

Oh! There you are.

[smack!]

[groans]: Oh! That was me.

Well, pass it on.

As you wish.

[smack!]

- Why do these candles - keep going out?

Because, when you twirl,

you create wind,

which extinguishes the flame,

by pushing it away from

its fuel,

the wick.

I can see why you're single.

So what I need is a light source

that is immune to wind.

[grunts affirmatively]

What could that be?

Eureka! I have an idea!

Ow!

My idea is to stand

far away from my idea!

- Tesla, have you found - the proper conductor

For my light bulb filament yet?

Would you just get off my back?

- Are you talking to me - or your hump?

What's the hold-up?

We'll keep trying until

we get it right.

[??]

[poof]

[??]

Tesla? You think this is gonna

blow up again, don't you?

I've got a hunch...

also, yes.

I'll be safe under this blanket.

[laughter]

[poof]

Feels pretty good to be right.

Little hotter than I expected.

[shrieking]

Hmm. Look how long

that thing is burning.

[shrieking]

It just keeps burning

and burning and burning.

[shrieking]

Tesla, come here.

Thank you. As you were.

[shrieking]

I've invented a new light,

from a carbon fiber filament.

Just for you.

[Adam/Tesla, mocking]:

"Just for you."

Help me screw it in.

OK, I'll hold the light bulb

still...

you two, turn the base.

Why don't you just turn

the light bulb?

[bulb squeaking]

Look at that.

Try to blow it out.

[blowing]

See?

I never knew brains

could be so...

interesting.

You know...

I'm pretty smart, too.

They're not that interesting.

[??]

- Mrs. Byrne? - What are you doing here?

I heard the music.

Sorry if our dancing

was disturbing you.

Oh, nonsense!

I love dancing, too.

[chuckling]

Oh, yeah! Shake it!

Shake that moneymaker!

[Adam/Tesla]: Oh, I think

I'm going to be sick.

And that's why

the greatest scientific

discovery of all time

is the blindfold.

[items crashing]

[crashing and banging]

For my presentation,

I chose the discovery of fire.

- Because it revolutionized - human development,

- Altering everything - from the way we eat,

- To the tools we use, - to where we live?

No. Because I got a book

of great discoveries,

and fire was on page one.

Look at her...

she's so beautiful.

But she won't give me

the time of day.

Mostly because we have

no system for telling time.

If you like her so much,

just ask her out.

Club her over the head?

I like to think

we're more evolved than that.

[both grunting primally]

So, what do you have

for lunch today?

Berries and... a dead ferret.

[bones crunching]

Yow! OK... nearly dead.

Hey! Cave-nerds!

[both gasping]

I'm hungry.

- This is all my mom - packed me for lunch.

You want food?

You could do some

hunting and gathering!

Or go to the drive-thru.

I don't have a car.

You should get one.

These things are so much easier

than walking.

[squawk! squawk!]

[parrot]: It's a living.

[squawks]

Anyway, give me your lunches!

Soggy flies? A dead ferret?

- [bones crunching]

- Ow! OK, nearly dead.

- You know, it would be nice - if, once in a while,

You had a hot lunch

for me to steal.

A hot lunch?

There's no such thing

as a "hot lunch."

The saying is "There's no

such thing as a free lunch."

Which is weird,

because all my lunches are free.

- He means no one's - yet discovered

A method to heat food.

- Well, one of you - better discover it

- By the time - big yellow sky-ball

Disappears

and comes back again.

You mean "tomorrow"?

You know I'm not

an early adopter of new words!

Anyway, I want a hot lunch

to tooth-crunch

in my face-hole.

Or else!

[cracking up]

Oops. That's my dating club.

This is my threatening club!

[screaming in terror]

I'll be back in a down-up

big yellow sky-ball.

[gasping]

OK, if we're gonna heat up food,

we just need something hot...

She's hot.

[bug buzzing]

[crunching loudly]

[dreamily]: So hot.

Not hot enough

to make hot lunch.

We just need to concentrate.

[??]

Wait! I have an idea.

Oh. No. Never mind. I don't.

Oh! Maybe we can

ask her for advice.

Mrs. Byrne. Are you busy?

Yes. I've got to go prepare

the lesson for my history class.

- Although, it shouldn't - take long,

Because there is no history.

[sighing wearily]

We'll just have to tell Slab

- it's impossible - to make hot food.

Good idea.

Let me know how it goes.

And if I don't hear from you,

I'll just assume not well.

Why do I have to do it?

[grumbles]: Fine.

We'll settle this with a game of

"Rock, rock, rock."

[both]: Rock. Rock. Rock!

Rock beats rock!

Sorry, man. Good luck.

And, don't worry, I'll

memorialize you in a cave

painting.

Ahh, I stink at this game.

Hey! Rock doesn't beat rock!

Sure it does.

No, nothing would happen

if two rocks hit each other.

Look.

[bang]

[gasps]: What was that?

I don't know...

- but, I think, - before we try it again,

- We should take - proper precautions...

[banging]

I just created something hot!

Do you know what this means?

Yes, we now have a system

by which we can

heat up lunch for Slab!

I didn't think of that.

- It means I have a chance - to make up a new word.

Look at this thing.

It's so majestic, so beautiful,

so mesmerizing.

I will call it...

"bla-a-a-a-a-ah...!"

- You're going to name it - after your mom?

Well, I'm not going to

name it after my dad, "Fire."

Mm. This hot lunch

is delicious.

Hey! Get out of the road!

What happened to my horn?

Funny story!

We cooked it

and Slab's eating it.

[laughing loudly]

That is a funny story.

I don't find it funny.

Uh, you're big... so...

[forces laughter]

Well, now that you've

got your "hot lunch,"

I guess you'll...

leave us alone?

Not likely.

I'm still hungry.

Now bring me another car horn!

For dessert...

fruit-ball pie.

[screaming in terror]

So, in conclusion...

"Fire, good."

[whispers]: Derby!

Your mailbox was full,

so I brought by my idea

for your presentation.

The worst scientific

discovery ever... gravity.

- If that clown Newton - had left well enough alone,

My hair wouldn't have

fallen out.

It'd be hovering over my head.

- It's supposed to be - the greatest discovery ever.

What? So, I don't get

the baby-doll t-shirt?

But it would've gone so well

with these Daisy Dukes.

[students groaning]

- Well, we've heard about - some amazing,

And not-so-amazing

discoveries today...

The bus pass, the light bulb,

fire, radiation,

the "spork"...

and, of course...

the pull-my-finger gag.

No! I'm not falling

for that again.

Anyway, who can say

- what the greatest - scientific discovery really is?

- -[door opening] - -I can.

It is, of course,

the adult

absorbent undergarment,

which was invented during a time

of great adversity.

Who has heard

of "the war of 1812?"

[collectively groaning]

[trumpet blasting]

I was in a foxhole,

loading my musket,

when I realized...

I've had

too much sarsaparilla!

But it's not safe

to leave my foxhole!

[artillery detonating nearby]

I need some sort of

absorbent undergarment.

I could fashion it

out of this potato sack,

fill it with cotton,

and cinch it up

with some twine!

[incoming artillery screaming]

[loud, close explosion]

Too late.

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