Original subtitles

Welcome, parents and children of the night!

The back-to-school night.

I love the way my coat smells.

(WHISPERS) Whoa. Was that teacher a vampire?

We're looking into it.

I love back-to-school night.

It's like a rock concert where my teachers just sing my praises.

Easy there, hot shot.

Better to play it safe with my parental expectations.

Was I setting the bar too low or too high?

I personally think we get enough school during the day,

we don't need extra helpings at night.

How about we switch places?

I go to school and you cover me in the ER?

Just remember the vital organs go on the inside

before you sew them back up.

Oh, Mom, you're so precocious.

Oh, I know.

Like my dad always says,

"School is a mix of reading, writing, and fiery explosions."

Where exactly did you go to school?

A lot of places. Some are still standing.

Diogee, go home.

You know dogs aren't allowed in school.

(WHIMPERS) ♪ It's a sad dog's life ♪

Thanks for picking up the check, Cavendish!

Well, thank you for being such a burden.

I left my wallet in my other track suit.

I mean, my wallet was empty, but that's where it is.

Just how many track suits do you actually own?

Are you kidding? I got six of these puppies.

So, then what do you wear on Sundays?

Not much. Oh...

Anyway, you wanted to show me something?

Yes, I did! This way! Come on, it's a surprise.

Murphy's dog?

Go home, Diogee. Yeah, he's cute.

But he's not the surprise. Oh, oh!

Did you see that? That almost... Yeah, yeah, you almost died.

Come on. The surprise is over here.

Ta-da!

Please don't tell me these are time devices

you've stolen from Brick and Savannah?

Well? You told me not to tell you!

Really takes me back, all this.

Would be great to be a kid again.

No responsibilities.

No stress.

It would be great to be an adult.

You get to call your own shots and buy stuff.

Anytime.

I could buy a big, heavy blanket in the summer,

just 'cause I wanted to.

I could tell kids, "Because I said so",

anytime I wanted.

I could start my own family band, like the Von Trapp singers.

Yeah, those guys rocked.

I'd like to welcome you all to back-to-school night.

Kids, please step outside so we can talk about you behind your backs.

Be good, Dad!

No unnecessary surgeries while I'm gone, Mom.

Now who's being precocious?

Me! It was me!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Now, before we get started,

would anyone like to compliment me

on my hand-crafted, wooden chair?

It goes with my desk, which I also made.

You should not have this!

Bad Dakota!

Oh, come on, I'm gonna give 'em back.

Later. They'll be fun to play with.

Play? What are you, a child?

This is prototype, portable time-displacement

technology and it's hugely dangerous.

Yeah, but we'll kick serious "time butt" with this. Look.

Look! An Age Regressor Ray!

Instead of sending your body through time,

it sends time through your body,

changing your chronological age.

Oh, that's not dangerous. Just put that down!

Oh, cool! Cool! Baby thumbs up!

What do you think, huh?

All right. No more goofing off.

We've got to reverse it.

Baby hand is touching you. Oh! Don't do that.

Baby hand is touching you.

It's so smooth, like a baby's bottom, but it's its hand.

It's a baby hand! Stop touching me!

(GUN FIRES)

Uh-oh!

Texture and wood grain are far more nuanced than you might think...

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh... That can't be good.

No! No!

Come back here, foul canine! Oh, come on.

No! No! No!

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Mom?

Okay, I'm freaking out.

This is crazy! How did this happen?

ZACK: What are we gonna do?

Murphy, of course you're here.

Oh, hey, Cavendish, maybe you could help.

Oh no, are those your parents? It's worse than I thought.

No! Wait!

Is that Dakota?

(SCREAMS)

No! Let go!

What is going on?

That ray gun in your dog's mouth regressed everyone's age by 90%.

But if I can get it back,

I should be able to reverse it. No!

Diogee! Drop it.

Oh, dear! Uh...

(BLABBERING)

Give me 20 minutes to fix it.

All right. Maybe 30.

Mine! (LAUGHS) You!

You come back here, young man!

Okay, while they fix this,

all we need to do is keep our three-year-old parents safe.

Sounds simple enough.

Yeah, how hard can it be, they are two feet tall.

My desk!

Hey, where doggie go?

This way!

Hey! Stop those baby-parents!

(INDISTINCT LAUGHTER)

♪ When you were up and I was down

♪ You put me through it

♪ But now the worm has turned around

♪ So let's get to it

♪ We keep on spinning until we're wound

♪ And now we're gonna do it again, and again

♪ And I say, hey, hey, hey, hey

♪ Turnabout is fair play

♪ You worked me over Now I've got you under

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey

♪ Turnabout is fair play

♪ It's not raining but it sounds like thunder ♪

(INDISTINCT LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

I think it's story-time.

"And the beautiful pony got a job

"that promised upward mobility and equal pay. The End."

Again.

No, we've already read it 16 times.

Again!

No. Why?

Because I said so!

That's not nearly as much fun as I thought it would be.

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Excuse me?

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Dad, you come back here right now!

Don't walk away when I'm talking to you! Stop ignoring me!

Mom! Get down from there!

Be nice!

Okay, please get down from there.

(GROANS) Feels like we've been here all night!

How long have these guys been toddlers?

About... Six minutes.

Our parents are terrible kids.

But to be fair, we're probably terrible parents.

They'll understand one day when they have... us.

Whee!

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

Come back, child!

Heel! I need those parts to fix the...

Ow! Enough! Give me that!

Give me back my hat!

(CRYING) No!

Bad Dakota!

Ow!

Wait, where'd you go? Dakota?

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Nice moves, Dad! What's it called?

(WHISPERS) The "Pee-pee dance."

Parents should have an emergency hot-line for extra parents.

Mine!

Please. Please, just give me the part back.

Mine! Did you know I used to play concert piano?

DAKOTA: No! I could have had an entirely different career.

A different life. But instead, here I am. (LAUGHING)

With you.

Please give me the part back.

Okay.

There! Reassembled!

Now I can turn everyone back... Whee!

Oh! Wait, wait, no, don't! Don't!

I'm alive!

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

It's like herding cats.

Herding cats is easier!

Okay, it's play time!

(CHEERING)

Head's up!

(TIRES SCREECHING) Sweet petunia!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

Well, your guys didn't strap it on right!

Had to make a sudden stop and the darn thing flew right off.

It's rollin' around, chasing a bunch of kids in a ball field!

Well, I am doing something about it!

I'm calling you to say your guys didn't strap it on right!

(LAUGHING)

(CHIRPING)

(SNEEZING)

(SNEEZES)

(SCREAMING)

Well, you better send somebody down here quick.

That thing's bouncing around. It's gonna get pretty damaged in a hurry.

Just hold on for a second.

Just run to the right or left!

(GROANS)

(BLOWS NOSE)

No, no, no, this ain't on me!

You got bigger problems!

I'll have this place crawling with truckers...

Never mind. See you in an hour.

(LAUGHING)

Boy, being an adult is harder than I thought.

Maybe it's great being what we are right now.

Tired. Hey.

How long do we have to do this?

We're gonna be stuck with toddler parents forever!

I can't do this anymore!

(SOBBING) No!

Where is Cavendish?

CAVENDISH: Oi, Murphy!

Stop playing with your baby-parents and meet me in the classroom in five minutes!

Give me that!

(CRYING)

(CHEWING)

Boy, does my mouth taste weird. What did I eat?

Ugh!

(LAUGHING AND CHEERING)

I'd take Murphy's Law over parenting any day.

Okay, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

I think we're about done here.

Uh, thank you all for coming and if you need me, I'll be polishing my desk.

Huh. Did she talk about her desk the whole time?

Because I think I must've zoned out.

Aw, look at them.

I know they're growing up, but they're still our babies.

Babies of the night.

The back-to-school night! (LAUGHS)

Definitely a vampire.

♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it

♪ We're all livin' in it

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

♪ Oh, thanks, everybody That is so motivational

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

♪ Whoa

♪ Whoa

♪ I'm not sitting here watching the world turn

♪ You know I'd rather spin it

♪ Go, Milo Go, Milo, go

♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ♪