Original subtitles

[bells]

[techno]

[cell phone rings]

[ring]

Hello?

Hey, buddy.

Long time no hear.

Just the usual.

[laughs]

Rex, you know me too well.

Um...

What the hell. l'll be there in 10.

Hey, Glenn.

How's my favorite little bitch tonight?

[dog approaching]

Hey, Fergie, you little bitch.

You make your daddy call me just so you could see me?

l'm glad you were home.

Me, too.

Good.

Now get over here and fuck me.

[techno]

[singing, indistinct]

[passionate moaning]

[passionate moaning]

Fuck me.

[song ends]

Mmm.

My turn.

[chuckles]

[chatting]

So, Glenn, what'd you do last night?

Yeah, l heard you come home at, like, 3 A.M.

Oh, you know, same old, same old.

Same old Billy or same old Matt?

Rex.

Ah, the mysterious Rex.

When do we get to meet him?

Vincent, my dear, you can have him, if you haven't already.

Actually, l'm looking to find my own, thank you very much.

The personals? You're kidding, right?

Mary Margaret, just because you've hooked the lovely Andrew here

doesn't mean we can't all dream.

l've had some very good times thanks to the personals.

Yes, but have any of these good times

lasted more than an hour?

Who cares? l'm not giving up, though.

Oh, here's one!

''Shy, romantic, GWM seeks LTR.''

What's an LTR?

Duh.

Lord of the Rings.

[gasps] Did you get the new super extended

deluxe collector's edition DVD box set with the bonus figurines?

- Sweet. - Sweet.

l hear there's a hidden scene in the third film where Frodo and Sam do it.

They make such a cute couple.

Except they're fictional, and they're Hobbits.

Their dicks would be, like, two inches long.

Sounds like my last date.

Long-term relationship, LTR.

And don't mock the Hobbits.

''lnto KROQ, hiking, books, museums,

not into the whole gay scene.''

Honey, if you like cock,

you're into the gay scene.

''Looking for my 42.

That's the answer. Know the question.''

Let me see that.

No, really, help yourself.

Sounds pretty cool.

l like to read. l hike.

l'm not into the scene, either.

[all laugh]

What?

You are the scene, Glenn.

You're the poster boy for the scene.

lt's a picture of you holding a martini and a dildo.

[fakes laugh]

Well, not anymore, okay? l'm tired of the scene.

Sounds like the WB during the pilot season.

''Uh, director, am l in this scene?

l don't remember.''

[all laugh]

Seriously, Glenn, you've been my best friend since college

so l can say this.

You're old.

No one wants to have sex with you,

and we don't like you anymore.

So pay the bill and get out.

[laughs]

What does that 42 shit mean anyway?

lt's from my favorite book.

Douglas Adams.

See, 42 is the answer

to the ultimate question of life, the universe,

and every...thing.

Yeah, exactly.

Whatever. l'm more partial to 69 myself.

Notice the wave of non-surprise sweeping the table.

So...call me... if you like.

Okay.

Uh, 323-555-4023.

Bye.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You said ''like'', like, you know, about, like, 1 2 times.

So...you called him.

The ad guy? Yeah.

Why? You weren't gonna--

Oh, no, no, no. You go ahead.

lt's not like l found the ad or anything.

Knock yourself out.

[chuckles]

[beep]

[Female voice] Welcome to the personals line.

lf you placed an ad--

[beeping]

You have five messages.

[Man] Hey, baby, l got what you want right here.

Call me back and we can hook up. l'm at--

[beep]

[Second man] Yeah. Uh...

Hi. l live in San Francisco,

but l get down to Los Angeles all the time.

[beep]

[Third man] l'm 65 years old.

- But if you're interested-- - [beep]

[Fourth man] l'd like to tell you about my Lord and Savior...

- Jesus Christ-- - [beep]

Uh, hi. This is Glenn.

Um, l saw your ad, and, uh...

it just really spoke to me.

Okay...that sounded really stupid.

Let me start over.

Hi. This is Glenn, and, uh...

apparently l'm a big dork, but...

l really liked your ad,

and, uh, we like the same things.

So l'd like to get together.

Plus l'm a huge Douglas Adams fan.

So...call me... if you like.

Okay. Uh, 31 3-555-4023

Bye.

[beeping]

[cell phone rings]

[ring]

Go on. You know it's him.

[ring]

[ring]

Hello?

Hey.

He called?

He called.

How did he sound?

Breathtaking.

[sighs] Tell me everything.

What does he do for a living?

Don't know. Where's he from?

Didn't ask. How old is he?

No idea.

What did you find out?

Uh, well, let's see.

5'10'', 150.

Brown hair, blue eyes.

That's all the stats you need to know.

l really hope this works out.

l haven't seen you this excited about a guy since...

Since l've been getting excited about guys in the first place?

When are you meeting him?

Dinner, Saturday night.

[people chatting]

[Man] Glenn?

Adam?

lt's nice to meet you.

Uh...same--same here.

Shall we sit down?

Uh-huh.

[laughs] On the count of three...

Oh.

[both laugh nervously]

l was really glad you called back.

And l was really glad you answered my ad.

lt's the first time l've done something like that.

Yeah, me, too. Me, too.

- l don't usually-- - Neither do l.

Well, we should probably--

Yeah?

Order.

Right. Right.

lt's a restaurant, we order,

they bring us food.

[laughs]

Good evening. Welcome to Myth.

Thanks.

Hey, l always heard about this place,

but l never knew it actually existed.

[laughs]

How very clever.

Shall l tell you our specials?

Uh...

l think we'll be fine without your specials.

Great. Now, uh...

he'll spit in our food and forget our dessert.

[laughs]

Wouldn't be any different from the last time l ate here.

[laughs]

So, tell me...

why did you place a personal ad?

[chuckles] The big question.

Well, you just don't seem like you would need it.

[laughs]

Thanks.

There's not really a big story behind it.

l've only been out here from Atlanta for four months,

and l work long hours sometimes, which is difficult.

And it's so hard to meet someone in this town

who's sane, employed, and geographically desirable.

Tell me about it.

lf l meet one more wanna-be actor from the Valley, l swear--

[laughs]

Anyway, this woman l work with

pushed me into placing the ad.

Kind of a dare, so--

She's trying desperately to become my personal fag hag.

Well, you have to have one of those in this town,

along with a head shot, some repressed childhood memories...

[laughs]

So where do you live?

Uh, not too far from here.

l'm renting a house on Ogden, near Melrose.

l'm on Sierra Bonita, near Beverly.

That's...what? Five blocks apart?

l know.

lt must be fate.

Must be.

[Adam] So...here we are.

The end-of-date awkward stage.

Yeah, that we all know so well.

[laughs]

How about we skip it?

Okay.

And move on to, say, this.

Ooh.

Good plan.

When can l see you again?

Busy tomorrow?

l am now.

Favorite book?

That's a gimme.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Favorite movie?

Star Wars, of course.

Favorite vacation spot?

Hawaii, Maui to be precise.

Favorite sport?

Tennis.

Federer or Nadal?

Nadal. Have you seen those arms?

[laughs]

Favorite way to spend a Sunday morning?

Sleeping late,

then having brunch with someone special?

Ah. Good answer.

Now l just gotta find someone special.

You got any friends you can fix me up with?

Ha! Asshole.

You don't know me well enough to call me an asshole.

Well, let me know when l get there.

By the way, my dad says hello.

Your dad?

Yeah, l talked to him this morning.

He's pretty much my best friend,

so l had to call him first thing

and tell him all about our date.

Oh.

You always tell him everything?

[chuckles]

Everything.

l'll keep that in mind.

So how long have you been into fundraising?

Six years.

l'm with the Gay and Lesbian Center now,

but l've worked mostly with Democratic candidates.

So...

what are you doing this afternoon?

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

l'm in his house.

They ad guy's?

Yes, the ad guy. Adam.

Been there all night?

[Andrew] Uh-uh!

l'm not a slut.

We had dinner last night

and then met again for brunch today.

How's his place?

Really nice.

And you'll never believe it.

lt's in my neighborhood.

Walking distance.

[Andrew] Check the CDs!

Andrew says to check the CDs.

No Mariah.

No Cher.

No Judy.

A diva-free zone. Good.

Lots of Madonna,

but...we love Madonna.

The gays and Madonna. l don't get it.

You wouldn't.

[Andrew] Show tunes?

Any show tunes?

Minimal.

Nice classical selection.

Oh, yes!

What?

He's got that Nine lnch Nails bootleg

l've been searching eBay for.

There you go. You must marry him now.

Gotta go.

Did l say you were done?

Sorry about that.

lt's okay.

lt gave me time to snoop in your drawers.

Mmm. Sounds like fun.

Today's been really...

Yeah?

Great.

l had a great time.

So did l.

But...

before we see each other again,

there's something l need to tell you.

Something that you may think is important to know.

lt can't be that bad. Tell me.

lf he had something that...big,

that important to share, then...

He should have put it in the ad.

How big?

ls he positive?

No. That l could handle.

lt's worse.

Worse?

Does he have syphilis?

Hepatitis?

Testicular cancer?

[gasps] Oh, my God!

ls he bald?

Worse.

He's...

He's...

[groans]

He's a Republican.

l am so glad that l did not call him.

Maybe he was lured to it during college.

Or maybe it's just a phase,

or a ploy to piss off his purified parents.

l always told myself l could never be with two types of men:

Republicans and crack addicts.

Maybe he's one of those, um...

''bring the party down from the inside'' kind of Republicans.

l mean, he's not a sign-carrying fundamentalist abortion clinic bomber.

[laughs]

ls he?

He's Republican, he's not insane.

l'm sure you can work things out.

Oh, have you fucked him yet?

Not that it's any of your business,

but no.

l've only seen him twice.

Whatever.

[Woman] Eli!

Does he seem interested?

Definitely.

How can you tell?

Oh, l can tell.

[Woman] Eli!

Anything worth writing home about?

That's for me to know and you to be jealous of.

Come on. How big?

[Woman] Mail that!

Not...quite that big?

And for this, l got an MBA.

Are you bothered by what l told you?

About being a Republican?

No.

Yes. l'm sorry. But how on Earth--

l've heard all the arguments before.

My political choices are based on economics,

not social issues.

But they're the same thing!

l know, but they also--

They do not, and you know it.

[both laugh]

l guess my ad should have read

''Shy, romantic, and politically conservative.''

Damn right.

Your confession actually made me think.

l don't even think l knew the political affiliation

of the last, l don't know, 10 guys l dated.

What's wrong with that?

l think l learned more about you in two dates

than l learned about most guys l've gone out with...ever.

l'm not exactly...

proud of my history.

ln the past, l usually...

jumped into bed with someone before even learning their last name.

Harris.

Huh?

My last name.

l remember.

l really like you, Adam.

So...l don't want to rush into anything.

By anything, you mean...

Sex.

l mean, that's all our people seem to do.

At least according to the Republicans.

[laughs]

Shut up, stupid.

l want us to get to know each other...

really, really well.

l understand.

There's more to a relationship than sex.

Yeah, exactly.

l mean, not that sex isn't important, but...

friendship, compatibility.

Those are more important...

or so the story goes.

[laughs]

Can l still do this?

l think that's allowed.

When do we get to meet the ad guy?

Don't call him the ad guy.

His name's Adam.

Right. When do we get to meet Adam...

the ad guy?

Not gonna happen if you keep calling him the ad guy.

His name even has ''ad'' in it.

He'll always be the ad guy, and you know it.

So when do we get to meet him?

Hmm, let's see.

Never.

That's it. Give me his number.

l'm inviting him to brunch on Sunday.

And subject him to everyone's scrutiny at once?

Don't think so.

We'll be on our best behavior.

Scout's honor.

Really, l was Boy Scout.

Last Halloween.

l looked damn good in that uniform.

Yeah, after you cut the crotch out.

That did help.

This conversation is not helping your case.

Right. Adam's a Republican.

Are we too flamboyant for him?

You know, l don't have to wear my chaps to brunch, if that'll help.

Maybe we shouldn't discuss the government's AlDS policies.

Or the gay marriage issue.

- Rick Santorum. - Jeff Gannon.

- Mary Chaney. - Pat Robertson.

Okay, okay, you win.

Sunday brunch.

But be nice.

Us?

Always.

[groans]

So...what do you do for a living?

Oh, l'm an architect.

Done any buildings l've seen?

Don't know. What buildings have you seen?

There's that really tall one.

- So, Vince, tell me-- - [gasps]

Vincent.

Huh?

lt's Vincent, not Vince.

lf you value your life, don't call him Vinnie.

And you? Where do you work?

l'm a musician.

Oh, that's cool. Are you in a band?

He's a drummer.

The kind my daddy always warned me about.

Excellent. How long have you two been married?

For seven years next month.

Any kids?

No.

So...

Yes.

Glenn tell us you like Bush.

Oh, hey. Ha ha.

We didn't scare you too much,, did we?

Uh, not at all.

[laughs]

We're just happy that Glenn has found someone.

He's a truly wonderful human being.

l hope you know that.

Well, he's said the same about you.

Flattery will get you almost everywhere with me.

Chocolate gets you the rest of the way.

Maybe you and Glenn and me and Andrew,

we could all go out together sometime.

You know, avoid the singles crowd.

Um...sure. That'd be great.

Uh, nothing against Vincent,

and Eli's a sweetheart,

but it would be nice to hang out with Glenn

without his tagg-alongsome... tagging along.

Know what l mean?

[laughs] Let's go.

Do you think your friends like me?

Of course. Why do you ask?

l don't know.

Vincent seems a little cold sometimes.

He's just jealous.

Maybe.

l just want us all to be friends.

Don't worry. They love you.

Just like...

Um...

So who won the game?

Uh, the team with the cute quarterback

beat the one with that guy from the cell phone commercials.

God, you're so butch.

That's probably what all your friends say about me when you're not around.

l doubt any of them give as much thought.

They still haven't fucked?

They still haven't fucked?

That's what Glenn said,

and l hear him whacking off in his room after every date.

Listen much?

lt'll never last.

l really think this is gonna work out.

Right here?

No. l'm talking about Glenn's relationship with Adam.

Oh, yeah, right.

No, he seems cool.

That's all you have to say?

Well, l'd do him.

l want Glenn to be happy,

and l don't he has been for a really long time.

You want him to be married,

just like you do all our single friends.

There's nothing wrong with that.

People are happier in couples.

Look at us.

l'm sorry. What'd you say?

l said l don't trust this guy.

l mean, who uses a personal ad in this day and age?

You were gonna call it.

That's different.

l just wanted a blow job.

Glenn's not even getting that.

Yeah, l know.

All l'm saying is that you don't use a personal ad

for a real relationship.

lt's so...

Uh, straight?

Exactly.

They seem happy to me.

Of course they seem happy.

They are happy.

And l'm proud of them for not having had sex yet.

You said that...many times.

Many, many times.

We should throw a dinner party for them.

lnvite the Tates, the Waldons,

and that lesbian couple.

What's their name again?

Something... hyphenated?

l wonder if they all eat meat.

We know Glenn does.

[knock on door]

[laughs]

Aw.

They're beautiful.

What happened? Florist didn't have a complete dozen?

[laughs]

Happy one month anniversary.

Huh.

And l thought the traditional one month gift

was a subscription to Entertainment Weekly.

[laughs]

You wish.

Ahem. The florist was telling me about the significance of roses.

You see, yellow roses signify friendship, and--

Wait. So... we're friends?

Well, mostly....so far.

But red roses, they symbolize passion....

or...love.

l think there's some passion in here.

l think l haven't stopped thinking about you for the past month,

especially when we're apart.

l brought something else.

l was thinking l could spend the night.

lt has been a month.

l think it's a record for not fucking in this town.

Which way to the bedroom?

Uh...

down the hall, first door on the right.

Big bed. You can't miss it.

Do you need some alone time?

Shall l join you?

That was...

Yeah?

Really...

Yeah?

Awful.

[groans] lt was, wasn't it?

What happened?

l have no idea.

Oh.

l think my nipple's bleeding.

Oh, sorry.

What were you doing with your hand?

Well, l was trying to...

you know, and then l wanted to...

lt was supposed to...

[laughs]

l saw it in a Jeff Stryker video.

lt looked good when he did it.

l'm sure it did.

lt's still in the VCR. You wanna see?

That's okay.

You wanna...try again?

Oh, God no.

l'm just tired.

Let's get some sleep.

lt was one of the three worst sexual experiences l've ever had.

No. l'd say it's in the top two.

Scale of 1 to 10.

One.

at best. Ouch.

[Woman] Eli, get in here!

Just a minute!

Bitch won't give me a minute's peace today.

Tell me, it couldn't have been that bad.

Remember when we first met?

You know, and we tried to...

[gasps] That was bad.

And that's how we knew we were destined to just be friends.

But l don't want to be friends with this guy.

He's special.

l'll try not to take that personally.

[Woman] Eli!

Have you talked to him since then?

No. l don't know what to say.

l really like this guy, but, man, it was bad.

Well, don't get discouraged.

l'm sure it's just, um...

Oh, well, whatever the opposite of beginner's luck is.

That would be my luck.

[groans]

Thanks for listening. l gotta run.

Anytime.

[Woman] Peel it!

Hey, watch where you're going, asshole.

Do you know me well enough to call me an asshole?

lf l've actually seen your asshole,

then l can call you an asshole.

Think you ever want to, you know,

see it again, after...

Let's not discuss this in the romantic-comedy section.

But we can... discuss it, right?

Why?

Well, you were there.

Do you want to go through that again?

Well, l have heard

that most peoples' first experiences are bad.

Too much expectation and all.

My thinking exactly.

Next time will be different.

Definitely.

l can bring my whip.

Oh, you're home.

Great.

What are you--

Glenn, this is, uh-- What's your name again?

Preston. My name's Preston.

This is my roommate Glenn and this is his--

his ad...am.

So nice to meet you, Glenn,

and you, too, Adam.

Don't get too close. He's a Republican!

[chuckles]

[both laugh]

And this is the way to my bedroom.

See you again soon.

Speaking of bedrooms...

[Glenn] Ouch! Teeth!

[Adam] Sorry.

[Vincent moaning]

Oh, come on, baby.

[Glenn] Just ignore it.

Come on, baby. That's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it!

That's it!

lt sounds like a public park restroom in here.

Yeah.

Let's see if we can outdo 'em.

Oh! Oh, yeah!

[moaning] Oh, yeah!

Yeah, baby! Fuck my hole!

Yeah, fuck my hole!

[moaning]

l cannot compete with that.

lf l wanted to hear guys screaming like that,

l'd go to the gym.

Rain check?

Sure. Oh, yeah!

Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby!

Oh, yeah! Fuck my hole!

Oh, God, yeah! Fuck my hole!

[moaning]

Better hurry up! the Doctor Who marathon starts in five minutes.

A little dressed up for the Sci-Fi channel.

What? ls that-- ls that tonight?

Sorry. l'm going to a concert with Adam.

Oh. Of course you are.

Why don't you call up that Preston guy?

lt sounded like you two got along.

Nah.

He seemed a little used.

You know what l mean?

Dick.

Heh.

l thought l was the conservative one.

We are going to see Andrew's band tonight, aren't we?

That we are.

lt's someplace downtown, right?

Am l dressed okay?

You look perfect. Let's go.

[Scherzo, Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

[giggling]

Nice outfit, by the way.

l could see that fake tattoo

all the way from the percussion section.

Hey.

l thought it brought a nice youthful air

to the usual Philharmonic crowd.

[Glenn] Yeah, exactly.

Complemented the blue blood

and blue hair just perfectly.

You two look so perfect together.

[Andrew] Yeah, it's about time.

We are so tired of fixing Glenn up.

How come that never worked out?

Because you were never looking in the personals.

How often did you fix him up?

- Not that often. - Hardly ever.

All the time.

Yeah, there was the cellist from the orchestra.

Uh, my personal trainer.

Uh, Mary Margaret's second cousin.

What was his name again?

Stuart.

That's right. Yeah.

Why didn't that work out?

Because his name was Stuart,

and he was more interested in poppers than in me.

Oh, l love poppers.

l do.

What? All the jalapenos and the cheese?

ln fact, let's order some.

Yes, please. Waiter, poppers all around.

- What? - [laughs]

At least we can all agree that he's straight.

l wanna be bad

l wanna feel your skin on my every limb

But would you think of me then?

l wanna be bad

l wanna take your views and change all mine, too

So you won't know what to do

l wanna be bad

l wanna make you feel like you're addicted to me

So you won't know what to do

When l'm through with your annoying ways

And your foolish games

Take your heart in the palm of my hand

You won't even recognize it

Make your life spin, you're not gonna win

So don't even go and try it

Live your life through my demands

So you'll see what l want you to

You'll be all mine

And that'll be fine

l wanna be bad

l wanna take your heart in the palm of my hands

And l won't have remorse

l wanna be bad

l wanna work you through then never call again

What would you think of me then?

l wanna be bad

l wanna make you look in the mirror twice

'Cause you won't recognize

You'll be all mine

And that'll be fine till l'm through with you

Take your heart in the palm of my hands

You won't even recognize it

Make your life spin, you're not gonna win

So don't even go and try it

Live your life through my demands

So you'll see what l want you to

You'll be all mine

You'll be all mine

You'll be all mine

[no audible dialogue]

l'm already bad 'cause l'm sick of you

And the day's not even through

Feel like a movie today?

Maybe, but l get to pick.

Oh, you're such a movie snob.

You own Howard the Duckon video.

l rest my case.

Heh heh.

Stupid.

[ringing]

Hello?

Hey, buddy.

Rex, what's up?

Me.

l want to come over,

get the day started right.

l can't, man. l'm busy.

[chuckles]

Are you still with that same guy?

How about a third?

Some other time.

Right on.

Some other time, man.

Who was that?

No one important.

Oh. Heh. Hey.

Hey.

Who's that?

Bad sweater guy.

Yeah. Been there, done him.

He likes to be spanked while he calls you Mommy.

l should call him again.

You have to help me come up with ideas

on what to get Adam for Christmas.

Oh, okay.

Well, l hear the Ronald Reagan dildo

is very popular this year.

He fucked you in the '80s.

Now let him do it for real.

He already has one.

Seriously?

Hey, so what are your plans for Christmas this year?

l plan on reminding everyone once again that l'm Jewish.

Sorry. Brain lapse.

Yeah, you'd think with a name like Eli Rosenberg

you'd remember.

Well, hey, what are your plans for Hanukkah?

The Hanukkah that was last week?

Yeah, that one.

The usual, you know.

Kugel and brisket over at my Aunt Flo's.

How is Aunt Flo? Oh, great.

Wish l got to see her more than once a month.

You know, ''once a month.''

Maybe you should get Adam a healthy dose of honesty for Christmas.

Meaning what?

Well, meaning that you should really think about

whether you two want to keep this going.

Think about it.

Being gay means being defined by sex--

how we have sex and who we have it with.

lt's what makes us different

from the millions of breeders out there

buying dancing Santas and fruitcake.

That, and taste. Yeah, okay.

But, you know, do you really want to stay with someone

who doesn't put the wind in your sails?

Well, in five years the sex will pretty much be gone anyway,

so why not?

Why not be with someone

who meets all of my other needs?

l'm just worried about you.

l want you to be happy.

Normally l'd tell you to get laid,

but that's obviously not working.

Fuck you. You had your chance.

So does this mean l should take back

the dancing Santa l bought you?

Seriously?

So, did that guy finally come to his senses and kick you out?

He had to leave early for a meeting.

So l just thought l'd go over there later for dinner,

so l was going to come home

and get ready for work.

Nice surprise.

Well, then, l should, uh...

get ready.

Do you want me to pour you a bowl

and we can talk or whatever?

Um...

Sorry, l should go.

[muted soft jazz playing]

[music continues]

[Man] l'm here to deliver your pizza, sir.

Did you order extra sausage?

[synthesizer playing Deck the Halls]

[knocking]

l'm so...

l told you l'm allergic to that stupid wreath,

so don't complain if l'm sneezing all night long.

Or you could distract me

by opening up my Christmas package.

[record scratch]

[chuckles]

You're early.

And you're not alone. Nope.

Glenn, this is my father, William Harris.

Dad, this is Glenn.

Well, it is nice to meet you...Glenn.

l've heard so much about you.

Here. Go ahead. Let me have this.

Mom, get in here.

Oh!

l have been waiting for months to meet you.

Okay, let's take a good look.

Turn around.

Cute. Cute. Cute.

Oh, nice ass. You've done good, honey.

And as for you, you done really good.

Now get in the kitchen and help me with dinner.

Excuse us.

No, no, no. Eat something.

No, l was actually at the '68 Democratic Convention and got maced.

[all laughing]

[William] And, no, we don't understand

the Republican thing either.

Oh, he gets that from your side of the family.

Well, it must have skipped a generation.

Tell me something, Glenn.

How long have you been gay?

Mom!

Oh, don't be shy, dear.

Adam came out to us his senior year in high school,

but l knew a long time before that.

l think l even knew before you did, right, sweetie?

l've never seen this woman before in my life.

He used to take pictures for his high school yearbook

of all the sporting events.

Guess what his favorite was.

The wrestling team.

l don't think he knew what it even meant at the time,

but l knew.

Oh, oh! And you never answered my question.

Me? Of course, you.

Who else am l talking to?

Well, l came out at 21, if that's what you mean.

Late bloomer. Yeah.

Well, that's okay.

You got plenty of time to make up for it,

especially now that you've met our Adam.

l'd try to stop her, but it wouldn't do any good.

l see. [laughing]

Well, l hope that my meeting Adam

is the first of many wonderful things

to happen in my life.

[Mom] Oh! Such a good answer.

[sighs]

l like you. You're a keeper.

Thank you.

Um, but l should... probably get home.

lt's getting late.

You're not staying here?

Uh...

No, no, no, no. lt's okay, guys.

We understand what happens with you young people nowadays.

Oh, honey.

lt even happens with us old people sometimes, eh, Bill?

[Adam groans]

l'm glad we've already eaten.

Well, then it's settled. You're staying.

lf you insist. Great!

Now be a good boy and clean your plate.

Yes, ma'am.

You could have warned me.

Remember the Philharmonic incident?

Payback.

Oh, l'll show you payback.

[chuckles]

[laughing]

[dance music playing]

[Glenn sighs]

Headache?

Jesus.

Sorry, l thought everyone was asleep.

Well, l did, too.

Oh, oh. Don't tell Diane.

She thinks l quit.

Um, your secret is safe with me.

Eh.

No, no, no, no. Don't go.

l'm glad we've got this moment alone.

You know, Adam's been talking about you non-stop for months.

We weren't actually going to come out here for a visit this year.

Diane had to meet you.

Glad she did.

Thank you, sir. That's...

nice of you to say.

And if you don't mind me saying so,

you shouldn't worry about the sex.

You and Adam really do talk about everything.

Don't be embarrassed.

l'm naked and talking to my boyfriend's father about our sex life.

What's to be embarrassed about?

Sit down.

You know, Diane and l,

we never slept together before we got married.

lt wasn't the thing to do back then...

not with her, at least.

And our honeymoon night?

Not the stuff of fond memories.

For the longest time, sex was something that we did out of habit

for the most part.

Diane, well, she was so uptight back then.

That's hard to believe.

She seems so... free-spirited.

Oh, yeah. Sure. That's now.

l mean, once we both kind of loosened up

and explored different things,

it was great.

lt was really great.

You think Adam and l will work things out?

Well, kids today want everything immediately, right?

lnstant gratification and all that kind of stuff.

You know, your generation could learn

a lot about creating long-term relationships

by looking at us old folks.

Nothing is perfect.

l don't know.

Sometimes it is. Perfect, l mean.

Good. Welcome to the family.

And if you don't mind, l think l'll leave first.

l've seen plenty of you tonight.

[dance music playing]

[Crowd] 10, 9, 8, 7...

6, 5, 4...

3, 2, 1!

[cheering]

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

[ringing]

[Glenn] Hey, babe. l have to work late tonight.

Sorry. We're going to have to cancel dinner.

l know you're busy tomorrow night,

so let's hook up again on Friday.

Call me. This is Glenn.

[Adam] lt's me.

lt's about 2:00 on Friday afternoon.

l've got bad news.

The Miller presentation was moved up to Monday.

l have to work tonight and all weekend to get ready.

God, l miss you. Call me.

[Glenn, on speaker] Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

My meeting got changed to tonight and no one told me

so l won't be home till really late.

[sighs]

l'll just call you tomorrow.

[Adam, on speaker] This is Adam. Remember me?

Got your message.

l'm booked tonight.

My cousin's in town and l have to meet her for dinner.

But mark me down for tomorrow night.

l have two tickets to a big party

and l want you to go.

No, l'm not going to go.

Music, dancing, open bar.

Me.

What more could you want?

l need for it not to be a Log Cabin Republicans mixer.

l'm not asking you to give them any money.

Just come with me and enjoy yourself.

l have tried to bite my tongue,

but how can you support that group?

You might as well join the Aryan Nation.

You know, if anyone at my work found out,

l'd be crucified.

Hey, l went to your work fundraiser.

What?

That is so different!

That was for people who support gay rights.

They don't want to tell me l'd be better off dead.

That's not what the Log Cabin Republicans stand for.

Well, it might as well.

lf you sleep with the enemy, you become the enemy.

Then what does that make you?

[sighs]

Fine. Fine.

Fuck.

[soft rock playing]

[chattering]

[Australian accent] Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

we uncover the rarest

of all land-based creatures,

the gays who can't dance.

l'm sorry.

For?

For being an asshole.

And l do know you well enough by now

that, yes, you were a major asshole today.

l know.

Sorry, l couldn't look beyond your stupid politics--

Not helping.

l couldn't look beyond your politics

to see that if something's important to you,

then l need to support you,

even if l don't agree with you.

You want a drink?

l want you,

stupid politics and all.

[door opens]

[dance music playing]

[Man] Dude, where's my cock?

Where's my cock, dude?

Glenn, it's me.

Something's happened to my dad.

l think it's a heart attack.

He's in the hospital now.

l'm catching the first flight l can to see him.

l'm so sorry about tonight.

Of all nights...

l've been looking forward to it all week.

l'll call you tonight after l get in.

l miss you so much.

l love you.

[beep]

[Adam on speaker, muffled]

Damn cell phone static.

[beep]

[phone ringing]

Adam!

Adam, you in there?

Happy fucking Valentine's Day.

[Vincent] Hey.

You're back early.

Did Adam call today to say that he wasn't going to make it tonight?

No. Why?

He's not home.

There's no answer on his cell,

at his work, or his house.

l mean, l can understand him being too busy

to see me any other night,

but blowing off Valentine's Day?

Where are you off to?

Well, l figured the bars would be full of guys

as depressed as l was about Valentine's Day.

Maybe someone will feel sorry for me and l'll get lucky.

Hey.

There's no reason why anyone should feel sorry for you.

You just haven't met the right guy yet.

l hope he hasn't missed me somehow.

No way. He's out there.

Want to come with me?

We haven't been dancing in awhile.

l don't know.

No, l'll wait, see if Adam calls.

lf not, fuck him.

Maybe l'll go rent a movie.

You sure?

Yeah. Yeah.

You go on. Get laid. Be safe.

Have fun.

lf you change your mind...

l know.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Rex.

Haven't heard from you in awhile.

You've been too busy with my roommate.

That was fun, wasn't it?

So...

no date tonight?

No.

Apparently not.

- What you got? - Spartacus.

Come and watch?

Watch, then come?

Your choice.

Uh-uh. No?

What the hell.

Our sweat becomes a hurricane

These moves are like a twister

[continues indistinctly]

What you waiting for?

What's your name again?

What do you want it to be?

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Adam. Nice to hear from you.

Where the hell were you last night?

No, l didn't get your message.

Oh, my God.

l'm so...sorry.

Me, too.

No, l mean it.

l'm sorry, not just for this.

For being such a jerk.

For everything.

l'm so very sorry.

Me, too.

l'll go say something to your mom in a minute.

She's holding up well, considering.

Too many people to deal with.

She'll be glad to see you, though.

You must have been so pissed,

thinking l stood you up on Valentine's Day.

Yeah. l was.

l haven't had anything to eat for two days

except condolence casseroles.

So what did you do?

We can get you something better to eat later.

Um...

Just went out with Vincent.

Got really drunk.

l was so hung over when you called.

Feel better now?

Definitely.

When is Adam coming back to town?

A few days.

Aren't you glad l dragged your ass out here?

Beats moping around your house, right?

Right.

Well, l needed a sick day bad.

l so couldn't take that bitch today.

She...

[clears throat]

You and Adam going to work things out?

l hope so.

l feel really bad about what l did.

Hey, hey, hey. No one can blame you.

Old habits die hard.

Real hard, l would imagine.

Heh heh.

l can't tell him though, can l?

No, no.

N-O.

Honesty is no way to maintain a relationship.

He just got back

and you're forcing him to go to the gym already?

Gives us more time to be together.

Looking for a quick fuck?

A new apartment, actually.

You're moving out?

lsn't that what you want?

Why would you think that?

What should l think?

You're spending more and more time with the ad guy,

either here, at his place,

or with Mary Margaret and Andrew.

So?

So?

So you've turned into one of those couples

who doesn't want to have anything to do

with your single friends anymore.

That is not true.

When was the last time

that you and l did something together,

just the two of us?

l don't know. Exactly.

lt was before he came into the picture,

and that's not friendship, Glenn.

l don't know how you can say that.

Yes, l'm spending more time with Adam,

but that's what you do when you're dating.

Don't try to tell me how relationships work.

l have been there, you know.

But l never ignored you.

Okay, first of all, l'm not ignoring you.

And secondly, your relationships were never, ever serious.

You'd always come crawling to me

whenever you wanted to avoid moving forward with any guy.

lf you think that you were my consolation prize

when my relationships would end, you're wrong.

l care about you far more than that.

And l'm not going to be your consolation prize

when you get tired of playing house

with someone that's such a bad lay

that when you're done with him

you have to go watch porn for an hour

just to get the bad taste of him out of your mouth!

Or worse, go off with your little fuck buddy Rex

while your boyfriend's father is dying!

That's not exactly what l would call a recipe for happiness.

[Glenn] He's not returning my calls

and he won't answer the door.

Do you want to keep this going?

Yes, l do.

You're a bigger man than l am.

Yeah, l seem to remember that.

[Woman] Eli!

This bitch needs to die.

Have you heard from Vincent?

Come on, man.

He hasn't been home in a couple of days.

l just want to know that he's okay.

He's fine.

He's...he's staying at my place.

Just tell him...

Just tell him l'm sorry.

[Woman] God damn it, Eli! Get in here!

Okay, l got to run, sweetie.

Hang in there and everything's going to work out fine.

How do you know?

lt's just something you say, Glenn!

lf l knew what would happen,

l'd have my own psychic hotline.

Good-bye.

Fill it!

Okay.

Fill this, bitch.

l quit.

[door opens]

Hey.

Hey.

Are you back?

l know.

Eli told me what's happening with Adam.

l'm sorry.

Thanks.

You know, l should be mad at you for what you said.

Aren't you? Well, l was.

l've had a lot of time to think about it...

and it boils down to one thing.

What's that?

Everything you said was true.

l can't be mad at you

when it's my own actions that got me into trouble.

So...

[sighs]

l got so upset,

and l just went back to my old ways.

l kept telling myself it was okay.

After all, monogamy for gay men

is fucking one person...

[both] most of the time.

Exactly.

But l should know better at this point.

Still, l'm sorry for saying it like that.

l don't want to move out.

l wanted us to be roommates forever.

l care about you so much.

More than you care for me, l know,

but that's my problem.

lt's my issue.

l've realized that...

when you find someone...

you'll move on from me.

We're always--we're always gonna be friends, though.

You know, close friends.

And l do love you, Vincent.

l love you, too.

l feel like l need to make some grand gesture to...

l don't know, make Adam realize how much l love him?

l wish l could help.

Nowadays, my means of relief don't run to the emotional.

Oh. Hang on a minute. l need to...

finish up with this client.

Oh, yeah, daddy!

Uhh! Give it to me!

Mmm! Yeah, that's it!

Oh! Harder!

Oh, yeah. Shake it back and forth.

Make you do voices, daddy!

Oh, nice! Yeah.

Spanish accent. Ol�, man, ol�.

Bring it, man, bring it!

Oh, it's good. Okay, okay.

Now, you got that stuffed monkey?

Oh, yeah.

You're into pirates?

Yeah, l'm sitting here with my...

with my parrot.

And we're both so hot for you, daddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh...

Daddy want a hand job?

Yeah. Oh, you like that? Aarrgh! Aarrgh! Aarrgh!

Are you getting close, daddy?

Are you getting close?

[parrot voice] Aarrgh! Aarrgh!

Oh, yeah. Give it to me.

Yeah, anytime now, daddy.

Anytime, daddy.

Oh, good boy. Good boy, daddy.

All right. You take care.

Sorry about that. [laughs]

You know these priests, they take forever.

How goes the new job?

Oh, yeah, well, uh, who am l to complain?

lt's turned a hobby into a paying gig.

[laughs] Yeah.

So are you gonna be okay?

He-man coffee for you,

herbal tea for me.

You're not going all healthy on me, are you?

[laughs] Just having trouble sleeping.

Thanks for letting me come over.

You've been so busy lately.

l feel like l haven't seen you in forever.

l've had so many things come up.

Family things, you know.

Gotcha.

So, what are you gonna do?

l don't know.

l love him.

l thought everything would work out for once.

l know, sweetie.

l was getting used to having him around,

being part of a couple.

Me, too.

At least l still have you and Andrew.

Some things never change.

Sometimes they do.

l hadn't planned on telling you today.

Telling me what?

The herbal tea isn't because l'm having trouble sleeping.

l should just avoid caffeine,

especially in the first trimester.

You mean...

you're going back to school?

No! Yes.

[laughs]

Oh, now you've done it.

You've gone and made me cry.

l'm sorry. This is just so exciting!

l'm gonna turn into Tammy Faye any second.

l'm so happy for you.

You really have it all, don't you?

A husband,

a kid on the way,

the ideal relationship.

That's it.

You are fucking crazy.

And coming from me, that's saying a lot.

No. No, no. lt's what l need to do.

Are you sure?

Well, that's why l wanted you here to help me decide.

But this-- [knock on door]

Hey.

Hey.

[Adam] Hey, guys.

l'm...

l'm glad to see you.

l tried to call.

l know.

Well, l'm...

l wanted to say...

Do you still have my green sweater?

[Glenn] Huh?

That green sweater.

Um--

You always said it looked good on me.

l think it's in my closet.

Can l get it?

l'm gonna need it in Atlanta.

Atlanta?

Yeah. My mom's having a rough time.

And, uh...

l thought l gave L.A. a shot.

lt didn't work out.

Maybe the best thing l can do is just go back home.

No. No, l--l don't-- l don't want--l--

What? l don't--

l want you to be happy.

[Glenn] More than anything.

You, too.

l hope you can be.

Can l get the sweater?

Yeah.

Aren't you going to stop him?

Why should l? He doesn't--

He doesn't want me anymore.

Okay, l know l haven't been the biggest supporter of this relationship,

but l swear, if you don't go after him right now,

l'm gonna slap you.

He just doesn't want me-- He just--

Uhh! What the hell?

l don't want you to turn into me.

Oh, honey, no one wants that.

Now go!

Go after him!

[chuckles] Thanks.

Thank you.

This is just so Molly Ringwald

at the end of Pretty in Pink.

[both laugh]

Oh, let's watch it!

l thought we said all there is to say.

Not everything.

Just listen to me for a second, okay?

There's no one l can imagine spending my life with except for you.

What about this Rex guy?

l am so sorry for that.

l just got mad.

l slipped back into my old behavior.

lt was stupid.

lt won't happen again.

But you lied.

l know.

And l know that l have to earn your trust back,

and l will.

There's more to it.

l think...

l finally know what the problem is,

in and out of the bedroom.

See...

you are essentially an old-fashioned guy...

and a Republican to boot.

And it was always right there.

''Shy and romantic,'' the first two words in your ad.

Even after you came out,

you probably always dreamed about meeting Prince Charming

and living happily ever after.

So?

So...

l'm guessing...

that you probably still feel the same way.

A desire for a more traditional relationship.

And maybe that's what you need to make things right.

l know this isn't exactly traditional.

Then again, how can it be?

What are you doing?

Adam, l love you.

Will you marry me?

Are you serious?

More serious than l've ever been about anything in my life.

But this kneeling shit is overrated.

l'll only ask once more.

Then l need you to walk off and...

forget you ever met me.

That's impossible, and you know it.

Then marry me.

[pop rock]

l feel l'm going crazy

Trying to figure us out

All the words you once said to me

Have filled me with doubt

Well, l don't know what's left to do

Hush my heart, it's thrown to you

How do l go on and what do l say?

How do l start to explain

That everything l wanted

ls standing in front of me?

Everything you ever wanted

l hope is inside of me

lnside of me

Oh

Yeah

Everything you wanted

Well, l'm okay, l'll be just fine

l tell myself all the time

What more can l do?

With all these feelings that you have

l feel some down deep inside...

l love you.

l love you, too.

Hush my heart, it's thrown to you

How do l go on and what do l say?

How do l start to explain

That everything l wanted

ls standing in front of me?

Everything you ever wanted

l hope is inside of me

lnside of me

Oh

You see, now everything l ever wanted

ls standing in front of me

Everything you ever wanted

l hope is inside of me

lnside of me

Oh

Yeah

Everything you wanted

l hope

l hope

ls inside of me

Oh

ls inside of me

[soft rock]

l just can't stop loving you

Wouldn't even try

lt wouldn't do

lf l say the words of what l feel inside

Would it be enough

To make you mine?

l'll be loving you

lf you want me to

You're the someone l want to hold on to

l'll be loving you

lf you want me to

With everything l knew

l'm still loving you

Mm-hmm

Oh, oh

Everything's all right

l convince myself at night

Lying here while it all comes running

lf you could only see

How you got to me

Maybe you'd try to

To love again

l'll be loving you

lf you want me to...

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, lnc. Burbank, CA