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1
00:00:01,704 --> 00:00:05,077
♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,143 --> 00:00:08,450
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,518 --> 00:00:11,957
♪ But where are thosegood old‐fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,024 --> 00:00:14,963
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:15,030 --> 00:00:18,604
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,671 --> 00:00:21,777
♪ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,844 --> 00:00:23,480
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,548 --> 00:00:24,783
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:30,460
♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:36,607 --> 00:00:37,809
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
11
00:00:37,876 --> 00:00:39,078
Please don't adjust your sets.
12
00:00:39,145 --> 00:00:41,015
I've been sneezing
all over the camera.
13
00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:44,021
That's right. The flu epidemic
has officially hit Quahog.
14
00:00:44,088 --> 00:00:45,825
So, for the rest
of tonight's broadcast,
15
00:00:45,892 --> 00:00:48,831
my mommy will be spoon‐feeding
me chicken soup.
16
00:00:48,898 --> 00:00:50,535
- Mommy.
- Tommy.
17
00:00:50,602 --> 00:00:53,073
Hey, guys, I brought a sneeze
home from school.
18
00:00:53,139 --> 00:00:54,676
You want to see it?
19
00:00:54,743 --> 00:00:56,079
Ah‐ah...
20
00:00:56,145 --> 00:00:59,853
(distorted):
No...!
21
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:02,959
...choo!
22
00:01:05,030 --> 00:01:07,750
- ♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
- ("Ode to My Family" by The Cranberries playing)
23
00:01:10,107 --> 00:01:12,646
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
24
00:01:12,712 --> 00:01:15,985
♪ Do, do,do, do ♪
25
00:01:16,052 --> 00:01:18,156
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
26
00:01:18,223 --> 00:01:20,561
♪ Do, do,do, do ♪
27
00:01:20,628 --> 00:01:22,498
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
28
00:01:22,565 --> 00:01:25,838
♪ Do, do,do, do. ♪
29
00:01:25,905 --> 00:01:27,909
♪
30
00:01:32,351 --> 00:01:33,286
(music stops)
31
00:01:33,353 --> 00:01:35,190
(groaning)
32
00:01:35,257 --> 00:01:35,992
(sneezes)
33
00:01:36,259 --> 00:01:38,564
Damn it,
who's secretly an X‐Man?
34
00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:41,069
You know, I'm actually starting
to not feel well.
35
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:43,908
Oh, boy. Guess we better
line it up for butt temps.
36
00:01:43,974 --> 00:01:45,978
I'll go first and third.
37
00:01:46,045 --> 00:01:47,792
Peter, you look okay.
Would you mind going out
38
00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:49,051
and grabbing some medicine?
39
00:01:49,118 --> 00:01:51,757
Okay, but if I get a DUI,
it's your fault.
40
00:01:51,824 --> 00:01:52,892
You're drunk?
41
00:01:52,959 --> 00:01:54,830
It's after dinner!
42
00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,085
(shuts off engine)
43
00:02:07,655 --> 00:02:09,258
Where is everybody?
44
00:02:13,032 --> 00:02:14,736
Hmm.
45
00:02:14,803 --> 00:02:16,005
♪ Glass of cold lemonade ♪
46
00:02:16,339 --> 00:02:18,620
("Where Have All the Cowboys
Gone?" by Paula Cole playing)
47
00:02:18,677 --> 00:02:21,048
♪ I will do the laundry ♪
48
00:02:21,115 --> 00:02:25,290
♪ If you pay all the bills ♪
49
00:02:25,357 --> 00:02:29,131
♪ Where is my John Wayne? ♪
50
00:02:29,198 --> 00:02:32,972
♪ Where is my prairie song? ♪
51
00:02:33,039 --> 00:02:36,112
♪ Where is my happy ending? ♪
52
00:02:36,179 --> 00:02:38,784
♪ Where haveall the cowboys gone? ♪
53
00:02:38,851 --> 00:02:41,657
(sighs)
Damn it, I give up.
54
00:02:41,723 --> 00:02:43,761
♪
55
00:02:43,828 --> 00:02:45,096
Paula Cole!
56
00:02:45,163 --> 00:02:47,301
Oh, I hate her.
I should've known that.
57
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:48,704
♪ Why don't you stay... ♪
58
00:02:48,771 --> 00:02:51,375
(crickets chirping)
59
00:02:51,442 --> 00:02:52,979
Two outs, bottom of the ninth,
60
00:02:53,046 --> 00:02:55,150
man on second,
Red Sox down by a run.
61
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,954
Peter Griffin down
to his last strike.
62
00:02:57,020 --> 00:02:58,189
Here comes the pitch.
63
00:02:58,256 --> 00:03:00,193
Strike three, and he knew it.
64
00:03:00,260 --> 00:03:01,897
Didn't even get the bat
off his shoulder.
65
00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:05,303
Griffin will almost certainly be
sent down to Triple‐A Pawtucket.
66
00:03:05,370 --> 00:03:07,307
Strike three, and he knew it.
67
00:03:07,374 --> 00:03:10,615
Griffin will almost certainly be
sent to Double‐A Bristol.
68
00:03:10,681 --> 00:03:12,585
Strike three, and he knew it.
69
00:03:12,652 --> 00:03:14,823
Griffin will certainly be sent
to the dirt field
70
00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,359
where they filmed The Sandlot.
71
00:03:16,425 --> 00:03:18,363
Strike three, and he knew it.
72
00:03:18,429 --> 00:03:21,637
Mr. Griffin, maybe it's time
to try a different sport.
73
00:03:21,703 --> 00:03:22,805
(shoes squeaking)
74
00:03:22,872 --> 00:03:24,643
Five seconds left,
Celtics down by one.
75
00:03:24,709 --> 00:03:26,054
Griffin with a clear line
to the basket.
76
00:03:26,078 --> 00:03:28,684
Off his foot and out of bounds!
77
00:03:35,096 --> 00:03:37,067
(dog panting)
78
00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:38,303
Stay.
79
00:03:38,369 --> 00:03:40,040
Sorry, I couldn't find a sitter.
80
00:03:40,106 --> 00:03:42,912
So, I ran some tests
and it's official:
81
00:03:42,979 --> 00:03:44,081
you all have the flu.
82
00:03:44,148 --> 00:03:46,052
But luckily
you got here in time.
83
00:03:46,118 --> 00:03:47,822
Doc, this is very important.
84
00:03:47,889 --> 00:03:50,060
How long before
she can make dinner again?
85
00:03:50,126 --> 00:03:51,830
I only know how to make eggs.
86
00:03:51,897 --> 00:03:53,877
Oh, don't worry. Everyone
should make a full recovery
87
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,070
in a couple of days.
88
00:03:55,136 --> 00:03:57,441
Okay, good.
I can egg my way through that.
89
00:03:57,508 --> 00:03:59,445
I actually wanted
to talk to you, Peter.
90
00:03:59,512 --> 00:04:01,817
It's very rare
that someone would be around
91
00:04:01,883 --> 00:04:04,154
so many infected people
and not get sick themselves.
92
00:04:04,221 --> 00:04:05,791
So I went ahead and tested you
93
00:04:05,858 --> 00:04:07,337
and I found something
very interesting.
94
00:04:07,361 --> 00:04:08,630
(dog whimpering)
95
00:04:08,697 --> 00:04:10,634
Sadie, quiet.
I'm right here.
96
00:04:10,701 --> 00:04:12,905
Rescues.
Not worth it.
97
00:04:12,972 --> 00:04:15,310
Peter, you appear to have
a very strong immune system.
98
00:04:15,377 --> 00:04:16,312
Kegels.
99
00:04:16,379 --> 00:04:17,481
- What?
- I don't know.
100
00:04:17,782 --> 00:04:20,186
Anyway, this flu season
has decimated the hospital,
101
00:04:20,253 --> 00:04:21,923
and we're
severely short‐staffed.
102
00:04:21,990 --> 00:04:23,994
How would you like
to be a male nurse?
103
00:04:24,061 --> 00:04:26,332
Do I get to wear those green
pajama clothes all day?
104
00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:28,169
- Yes.
- I'll do it!
105
00:04:28,236 --> 00:04:30,206
Wow. I've never helped anyone
before.
106
00:04:30,273 --> 00:04:33,012
Well, except for that time I
picked the last piece of bread.
107
00:04:33,079 --> 00:04:35,183
Whoa. You picked me.
108
00:04:35,250 --> 00:04:37,087
I've been skipped and flipped
109
00:04:37,154 --> 00:04:38,791
and reached over so many times,
110
00:04:38,857 --> 00:04:40,260
I wasn't sure I'd ever get out.
111
00:04:40,326 --> 00:04:41,963
So, what are you
gonna put on me?
112
00:04:42,030 --> 00:04:43,734
Jelly? Cream cheese?
113
00:04:43,801 --> 00:04:44,836
Maybe some nut butters?
114
00:04:45,136 --> 00:04:47,274
Actually, I'm just using you
to squish a spider.
115
00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:48,409
Aw.
116
00:04:48,476 --> 00:04:50,413
Yuck.
Yuck, yuck, yuck.
117
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:52,484
(birds chirping)
118
00:04:55,390 --> 00:04:58,062
You know, last week's flu scare
got me thinking.
119
00:04:58,129 --> 00:05:00,066
I don't know anything
about my genetic makeup
120
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,337
or what other illnesses
I might be susceptible to.
121
00:05:02,404 --> 00:05:04,408
You know who'd love this story?
Chris.
122
00:05:04,475 --> 00:05:07,715
So, it made me want to do
a 23andMe genetic test.
123
00:05:07,782 --> 00:05:09,886
- Chris!
- It says I'm predisposed
124
00:05:09,953 --> 00:05:11,188
to like caffeine.
125
00:05:11,255 --> 00:05:13,025
So true, so true.
126
00:05:13,092 --> 00:05:14,896
I can't even function
without my caff.
127
00:05:14,963 --> 00:05:16,132
I get all grr.
128
00:05:16,198 --> 00:05:17,443
How many more of these
are there?
129
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:19,271
Whew, don't have
the Alzheimer's gene.
130
00:05:19,338 --> 00:05:20,975
That's good.
131
00:05:21,041 --> 00:05:22,879
And it says I don't have
the Alzheimer's gene,
132
00:05:22,945 --> 00:05:24,148
so that's good.
133
00:05:24,214 --> 00:05:25,283
Hmm.
134
00:05:25,350 --> 00:05:26,285
Wait, what was that?
135
00:05:26,352 --> 00:05:27,822
It was nothing.
136
00:05:28,824 --> 00:05:30,326
Oh, my God. Brian.
137
00:05:30,393 --> 00:05:32,865
You're one percent cat!
138
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,170
And part Black.
139
00:05:35,236 --> 00:05:36,907
- What?!
- Whoa!
140
00:05:36,973 --> 00:05:38,385
I was just kidding
about the Black thing.
141
00:05:38,409 --> 00:05:40,380
That was a test and you...
(blows raspberry)
142
00:05:47,528 --> 00:05:48,797
Morning, family.
143
00:05:48,864 --> 00:05:50,200
I need breakfast stat.
144
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,246
Are you excited for
your first day as a nurse, Dad?
145
00:05:52,270 --> 00:05:53,472
I am. Thanks, Mug.
146
00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:54,542
Meg.
147
00:05:54,609 --> 00:05:56,846
M‐Mug...
148
00:05:56,913 --> 00:05:58,951
So, how's this gonna work, Dad?
149
00:05:59,017 --> 00:06:00,530
You don't know anything
about medicine.
150
00:06:00,554 --> 00:06:02,224
Oh, there's a lot more
to being a nurse
151
00:06:02,290 --> 00:06:03,894
than medical mumbo jumbo.
152
00:06:03,961 --> 00:06:06,232
For example,
what's the next holiday?
153
00:06:06,298 --> 00:06:07,300
Memorial Day.
154
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,104
- The next one.
- Fourth of July.
155
00:06:09,171 --> 00:06:11,075
- Say "Christmas."
- Christmas.
156
00:06:11,141 --> 00:06:12,277
‐(bell jingles) ‐Eh?
157
00:06:12,344 --> 00:06:13,747
That's good nursing.
158
00:06:13,814 --> 00:06:15,183
Yeah, I agree with Chris.
159
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,287
I don't think you have
the makeup to be a nurse.
160
00:06:17,354 --> 00:06:19,091
- You're impatient...
- Are you done?
161
00:06:19,157 --> 00:06:20,503
...and you faint
when you see blood.
162
00:06:20,527 --> 00:06:23,099
I got over that.
Pass the ketchup.
163
00:06:26,005 --> 00:06:28,309
"Oh, don't buy a fainting couch,
Stewie.
164
00:06:28,376 --> 00:06:31,516
No one in this house is gonna
need a fainting couch, Stewie."
165
00:06:36,025 --> 00:06:37,528
Hey, Stewie.
166
00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:40,968
What was that?
167
00:06:41,035 --> 00:06:42,370
Was that a cat stretch?
168
00:06:42,437 --> 00:06:44,074
Oh, my God,
is that what that looks like?
169
00:06:44,141 --> 00:06:45,209
I mean, you said it.
170
00:06:45,476 --> 00:06:47,480
I guess that DNA report
was right on the money.
171
00:06:47,548 --> 00:06:48,984
Nature over nurture.
172
00:06:49,986 --> 00:06:51,488
(purring)
173
00:06:51,556 --> 00:06:53,259
What are you‐‐ Are you purring?
174
00:06:53,326 --> 00:06:55,063
Do you really think
you're a cat?
175
00:06:55,129 --> 00:06:57,200
Yeah. No, I‐‐
I don't know.
176
00:06:57,267 --> 00:06:58,870
Okay?
I‐I just feel different.
177
00:06:58,937 --> 00:07:00,149
I don't care
what that report said.
178
00:07:00,173 --> 00:07:01,442
You're not a cat.
179
00:07:01,509 --> 00:07:04,014
You're what's called
a pretentious absorber.
180
00:07:04,081 --> 00:07:06,553
- What's that?
- You remember how Madonna lived in London
181
00:07:06,619 --> 00:07:08,456
for, like, a month
and then started talking
182
00:07:08,523 --> 00:07:09,826
with a British accent?
183
00:07:09,892 --> 00:07:11,028
It's that.
184
00:07:11,095 --> 00:07:12,095
If I weren't a cat,
185
00:07:12,364 --> 00:07:14,468
would I be obsessed
with this scratch post?
186
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,004
That's not a scratch post.
187
00:07:16,071 --> 00:07:17,975
That's Meg's leg.
188
00:07:18,042 --> 00:07:20,380
(intensely):
Don't stop.
189
00:07:24,388 --> 00:07:26,425
Peter, welcome
to your first day.
190
00:07:26,492 --> 00:07:28,496
Doc, this may sound silly,
but...
191
00:07:28,563 --> 00:07:30,501
(Southern accent):
what do I do?
192
00:07:30,567 --> 00:07:32,337
As a nurse,
it's important to know
193
00:07:32,404 --> 00:07:34,374
how every department
in a hospital works.
194
00:07:34,441 --> 00:07:37,280
So today I need you
to observe surgery.
195
00:07:37,347 --> 00:07:38,449
(monitor beeping steadily)
196
00:07:38,517 --> 00:07:40,353
PETER:
Boo!
197
00:07:40,420 --> 00:07:44,094
Boo! My sister can attach
ventricles better than you!
198
00:07:45,096 --> 00:07:46,365
(chanting):
He's not Jewish!
199
00:07:46,432 --> 00:07:47,902
(clapping rhythmically)
200
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:48,970
Come on, everybody!
201
00:07:49,037 --> 00:07:50,641
He's not Jewish!
202
00:07:56,719 --> 00:07:58,557
Peter?
What are you doing here?
203
00:07:58,623 --> 00:07:59,623
I'm your nurse.
204
00:07:59,692 --> 00:08:02,998
So, what brings you in today,
Mr...
205
00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:05,169
- Quagmire?
- Look, I‐I don't really feel comfortable
206
00:08:05,236 --> 00:08:07,875
sharing my health problems
with one of my buddies.
207
00:08:07,942 --> 00:08:09,077
Can I get a different nurse?
208
00:08:09,144 --> 00:08:10,446
You're in a hospital, Glenn.
209
00:08:10,514 --> 00:08:12,585
Anything you say is private
and confidential
210
00:08:12,651 --> 00:08:15,022
- and legally protected
by HIPAA... - Don't say it.
211
00:08:15,089 --> 00:08:16,024
...potamus.
212
00:08:16,091 --> 00:08:17,561
What's said here stays here.
213
00:08:17,628 --> 00:08:19,866
- So, what's your problem?
- (sighs)
214
00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:22,070
Okay. So, I was at home
watching Mrs. Fletcher.
215
00:08:22,136 --> 00:08:24,575
- Mm‐hmm.
- It's a pretty sexually driven show,
216
00:08:24,642 --> 00:08:26,989
- and it kinda gets me going.
- Right, right. - (keys clacking, message sends)
217
00:08:27,013 --> 00:08:29,253
- (clacking)
- So, I'm pretty revved up and I decide to...
218
00:08:29,284 --> 00:08:30,684
- you know.
- Sure. - (message sends)
219
00:08:30,888 --> 00:08:33,128
- (phone chiming)
- And I don't have a prayer of finishing
220
00:08:33,225 --> 00:08:34,829
- Like, weird notches.
- Uh‐huh.
221
00:08:35,029 --> 00:08:37,968
- So I look over at my side table
and I see the Apple TV remote - (chiming)
222
00:08:38,035 --> 00:08:39,939
- and I think,
"Well, that could work." - Right.
223
00:08:40,006 --> 00:08:42,453
- (clacking, sending)
- Before I know it, I've got six Apple TV remotes
224
00:08:42,477 --> 00:08:44,525
- taped together
and my foot behind my head. - Got it.
225
00:08:44,549 --> 00:08:46,451
And just as I get everything...
you know...
226
00:08:46,519 --> 00:08:48,455
- (rapid chiming)
- 'Kay. - ...Mrs. Fletcher ends
227
00:08:48,523 --> 00:08:50,523
- and Watchmen starts,
which scares me... - Mm. Wow.
228
00:08:50,561 --> 00:08:53,098
...but now it's too late because
everything's... you know.
229
00:08:53,165 --> 00:08:54,635
- Oh, my stars.
- (phone buzzes)
230
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:56,706
Uh, hold on a second.
I got a text.
231
00:09:07,528 --> 00:09:09,230
- What do we got?
- Suspected heart attack.
232
00:09:09,297 --> 00:09:10,667
He's not breathing.
No pulse.
233
00:09:10,734 --> 00:09:12,571
I can save him,
but we got to move fast.
234
00:09:12,638 --> 00:09:15,242
Give me 20cc's of Music Factory.
235
00:09:15,309 --> 00:09:16,244
Clear!
236
00:09:16,311 --> 00:09:18,248
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
237
00:09:18,315 --> 00:09:19,652
Again! Clear!
238
00:09:19,719 --> 00:09:21,956
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
239
00:09:22,023 --> 00:09:22,958
Clear!
240
00:09:23,025 --> 00:09:24,695
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
241
00:09:24,762 --> 00:09:27,000
(beeping to the rhythm
of "Everybody Dance Now")
242
00:09:29,270 --> 00:09:30,707
You did it!
Great work.
243
00:09:30,774 --> 00:09:32,110
Don't thank me.
244
00:09:32,176 --> 00:09:34,280
Thank silly '90s songs.
245
00:09:34,347 --> 00:09:35,347
What do we got?
246
00:09:35,416 --> 00:09:37,020
Head injury.
He got knocked down.
247
00:09:37,086 --> 00:09:38,088
We'll get him up again.
248
00:09:38,155 --> 00:09:39,625
I need two milligrams of Chumba
249
00:09:39,692 --> 00:09:41,194
and one of Wamba!
250
00:09:49,044 --> 00:09:50,146
Oh, hey, Brian.
251
00:09:50,212 --> 00:09:51,314
You want to come up?
252
00:09:52,751 --> 00:09:54,320
Come on up.
Come on.
253
00:09:54,387 --> 00:09:56,224
Right here.
Jump up.
254
00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:57,661
Pss, pss, pss.
(clicking tongue)
255
00:09:57,728 --> 00:09:59,264
Jump up.
(smooching)
256
00:09:59,330 --> 00:10:01,068
Come on.
There's a spot right here.
257
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,671
Come on up.
Be a friend.
258
00:10:02,738 --> 00:10:04,074
Just jump up.
259
00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:05,744
I know you want to come up here.
260
00:10:05,811 --> 00:10:07,614
Jump the hell up here, you dope.
261
00:10:07,681 --> 00:10:09,785
I demand that you jump up here
and be a companion.
262
00:10:09,852 --> 00:10:12,190
Be a companion!
Get up here!
263
00:10:12,256 --> 00:10:13,258
Mommy?
264
00:10:13,325 --> 00:10:14,595
All right.
265
00:10:14,662 --> 00:10:17,100
Now I'm gonna scratch
your forehead for a while,
266
00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:19,104
so don't seem
like you like it at first,
267
00:10:19,170 --> 00:10:21,709
then suddenly bite my hand
for no reason.
268
00:10:27,788 --> 00:10:29,792
(purring)
269
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,739
Ow! That's it.
I'm gonna go online
270
00:10:36,806 --> 00:10:39,410
and buy you a $70 toy
you'll hate.
271
00:10:42,483 --> 00:10:46,491
Enjoy your soup,
old man whose butt is out.
272
00:10:48,362 --> 00:10:50,499
(gasps)
You!
273
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,336
♪
274
00:10:56,512 --> 00:10:58,516
(coughs)
275
00:10:58,583 --> 00:11:00,887
Geez, what's wrong with you?
We usually start fighting.
276
00:11:00,954 --> 00:11:02,456
I'm dying, Peter.
277
00:11:02,524 --> 00:11:04,127
Oh.
278
00:11:04,194 --> 00:11:05,597
Let me close
your privacy curtains
279
00:11:05,664 --> 00:11:07,634
to make you more comfortable.
280
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:10,472
(prolonged flatulence)
281
00:11:10,540 --> 00:11:11,843
That feel better?
282
00:11:19,725 --> 00:11:22,664
I'm sorry, Dr. Hartman,
but I can't help this patient.
283
00:11:22,731 --> 00:11:24,367
We're really big rivals.
284
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,471
Peter, if I only helped
people I liked,
285
00:11:26,539 --> 00:11:28,543
everyone in this hospital
would be dead.
286
00:11:28,610 --> 00:11:30,547
Just do what I do‐‐
help them out,
287
00:11:30,614 --> 00:11:33,385
then angry Footloose dance‐out
your frustrations.
288
00:11:33,452 --> 00:11:36,124
WOMAN (over P. A.):Dr. Hartman, please reportto Cardiology.
289
00:11:36,191 --> 00:11:37,895
- Dr. Hartman.
- I got to go.
290
00:11:37,961 --> 00:11:39,965
♪
291
00:11:43,873 --> 00:11:45,810
(wheezes, coughs)
292
00:11:45,877 --> 00:11:48,583
This must make you pretty happy.
(coughs)
293
00:11:48,650 --> 00:11:50,319
Seeing me like this.
294
00:11:50,386 --> 00:11:52,156
I took too much ecstasy
in my 20s,
295
00:11:52,223 --> 00:11:53,860
so nothing makes me happy
anymore.
296
00:11:53,927 --> 00:11:56,264
- What's wrong with you anyway?
- Bird flu.
297
00:11:56,331 --> 00:11:57,834
But there's a vaccine for that.
298
00:11:57,901 --> 00:11:59,838
Yeah, loaded with...
(coughs)
299
00:11:59,905 --> 00:12:01,842
mercury and antifreeze.
(coughs)
300
00:12:01,909 --> 00:12:03,546
No... thank you.
301
00:12:03,613 --> 00:12:06,552
Ah, I knew I hated you
for a good reason.
302
00:12:06,619 --> 00:12:08,723
This is probably
for the best anyway.
303
00:12:08,790 --> 00:12:10,794
There's nothing left
for me in this world.
304
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:13,465
I lost my job, I lost my house,
305
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,670
my wife left me
for a bigger cock.
306
00:12:15,737 --> 00:12:18,175
- Cocks are chickens.
- I'm better off dead.
307
00:12:18,241 --> 00:12:20,179
Oh, that's sad. I agree.
308
00:12:20,245 --> 00:12:21,716
I guess that means I win, huh?
309
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:23,686
I guess so.
310
00:12:23,753 --> 00:12:26,926
After all these years, who
thought it would end like this?
311
00:12:26,993 --> 00:12:28,863
Yeah, it's, uh,
kind of anticlimactic.
312
00:12:28,930 --> 00:12:30,834
I always thought
it would end with me
313
00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:32,780
- eating you for Thanksgiving.
- Eating you for Thanksgiving?
314
00:12:32,804 --> 00:12:34,942
Wait. Birds eat people
on Thanksgiving?
315
00:12:35,009 --> 00:12:37,681
- Yeah.
- Huh. Cool.
316
00:12:37,748 --> 00:12:40,352
Well, a win's a win,
even if it's like this.
317
00:12:40,419 --> 00:12:41,956
And it's too bad.
I had an awesome line
318
00:12:42,023 --> 00:12:43,960
I was gonna say
when I finally beat you.
319
00:12:44,027 --> 00:12:45,697
Oh, yeah? What was it?
320
00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:47,299
(chuckling):
Oh, it was a good one.
321
00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:49,370
Say it.
322
00:12:54,782 --> 00:12:56,552
I got to go.
323
00:12:56,619 --> 00:12:59,725
You get five minutes to
say goodbye to your father.
324
00:12:59,792 --> 00:13:01,227
Sup, Ernie?
325
00:13:01,294 --> 00:13:03,766
Holy moly, that's a huge cock.
326
00:13:09,678 --> 00:13:11,782
Chris, no footsy
under the table.
327
00:13:11,849 --> 00:13:13,285
It's disturbing.
328
00:13:13,351 --> 00:13:14,621
Good evening, family.
329
00:13:14,688 --> 00:13:15,790
Champagne?
330
00:13:15,857 --> 00:13:17,259
Maybe open that facing...
331
00:13:17,326 --> 00:13:19,865
- (yowls)
- Ah, (bleep). My eye!
332
00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:21,434
What are we celebrating?
333
00:13:21,502 --> 00:13:23,238
Is our IRS audit finally over?
334
00:13:23,305 --> 00:13:24,942
Oh, we wish.
335
00:13:25,008 --> 00:13:27,814
Also, we have to put a desk
in the garage and the attic.
336
00:13:27,881 --> 00:13:29,651
Every room needs a desk.
337
00:13:29,718 --> 00:13:31,889
Our house has to be more office
than living space.
338
00:13:31,956 --> 00:13:34,795
Anyway, this champagne
is to celebrate my victory
339
00:13:34,862 --> 00:13:36,565
over the Giant Chicken.
340
00:13:36,632 --> 00:13:38,435
I saw him at the hospital today.
341
00:13:38,503 --> 00:13:41,007
He's dying, which means
our great feud is finally over,
342
00:13:41,074 --> 00:13:42,777
and I won.
343
00:13:42,844 --> 00:13:44,748
- What feud?
- Wait.
344
00:13:44,815 --> 00:13:46,819
- Peter and the Giant Chicken?
- Who?
345
00:13:46,886 --> 00:13:49,825
The Giant Chicken. Come on.
Everybody knows we have a feud.
346
00:13:49,892 --> 00:13:51,829
It's like Bart and Sideshow Bob.
347
00:13:51,896 --> 00:13:55,537
Ooh! I love the Bart
and Sideshow Bob feud!
348
00:13:55,603 --> 00:13:57,941
Multiple episodes
over multiple seasons.
349
00:13:58,008 --> 00:14:00,713
An ongoing story line
with a classic guest star
350
00:14:00,780 --> 00:14:02,784
played by television legend
Kelsey Grammer.
351
00:14:02,851 --> 00:14:04,555
Giant Chicken is classic!
352
00:14:04,621 --> 00:14:06,659
- Who plays him?
- Danny Smith.
353
00:14:06,725 --> 00:14:09,397
- Who?
- Danny Smith.
354
00:14:09,463 --> 00:14:11,735
Any‐Anyway, I won.
Another bottle?
355
00:14:11,802 --> 00:14:13,606
- You're the only one...
- (yowls)
356
00:14:13,673 --> 00:14:14,975
(bleep)! My eye!
357
00:14:15,042 --> 00:14:16,812
The Giant Chicken
is really dying?
358
00:14:16,879 --> 00:14:18,683
A‐Aren't you gonna help him?
You're a nurse.
359
00:14:18,749 --> 00:14:20,653
- You took an oath.
- Actually, I didn't.
360
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,425
I don't get paid, and they
don't even validate my parking.
361
00:14:23,491 --> 00:14:25,362
What about a GoFundMe?
362
00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:28,301
We're white people. That seems
like the natural response.
363
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,439
No, Lois. I'm not helping him.
He's my enemy.
364
00:14:30,506 --> 00:14:31,976
He gave me a bad coupon
365
00:14:32,042 --> 00:14:34,781
in what online idiots say
was our best season.
366
00:14:34,848 --> 00:14:36,852
Unforgivable,
and I say, good riddance.
367
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,321
Another bottle?
368
00:14:38,388 --> 00:14:40,058
- Oh, that's me.
- (yowling)
369
00:14:40,125 --> 00:14:41,962
- You dick!
- (yowling)
370
00:14:42,029 --> 00:14:43,833
You need him, Peter.
371
00:14:43,899 --> 00:14:45,870
Everyone needs a rival.
372
00:14:45,937 --> 00:14:48,509
Wilt had Russell,
Bird had Magic,
373
00:14:48,576 --> 00:14:50,312
LeBron has his hairline.
374
00:14:50,379 --> 00:14:51,715
Oh, basketball?
375
00:14:51,782 --> 00:14:54,387
I know hair‐related
sports things.
376
00:14:54,453 --> 00:14:58,529
Hate is the most important
emotion in life next to love.
377
00:14:58,596 --> 00:15:01,769
When you have someone to hate,
you have something to live for,
378
00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:03,806
someone to beat at something.
379
00:15:03,873 --> 00:15:07,947
I have blue Subaru 8CXX475.
380
00:15:08,014 --> 00:15:10,620
It stole my spot
in a Target parking lot
381
00:15:10,687 --> 00:15:12,824
on Black Friday three years ago,
382
00:15:12,891 --> 00:15:16,497
and I've carried a D battery
in my pocket every day since.
383
00:15:16,565 --> 00:15:19,070
This is either gonna break
a windshield, teeth,
384
00:15:19,136 --> 00:15:20,907
or in a perfect world, both.
385
00:15:20,973 --> 00:15:22,476
And the thought of that car
386
00:15:22,544 --> 00:15:25,349
somewhere out there gets me up
every morning.
387
00:15:25,415 --> 00:15:27,987
Vengeance is a powerful
alarm clock.
388
00:15:28,054 --> 00:15:29,858
If the Giant Chicken dies,
389
00:15:29,925 --> 00:15:32,496
a part of you dies, too, Peter!
390
00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:33,909
And you're gonna be searching
for something
391
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,939
to fill that void
the rest of your life!
392
00:15:37,005 --> 00:15:38,943
That's good, Lois,
but I'm not helping him.
393
00:15:39,009 --> 00:15:40,947
- Helping who?
- The Giant Chicken.
394
00:15:41,013 --> 00:15:44,588
(mouth full):
Oh, yeah, your big rival.
395
00:15:46,157 --> 00:15:48,696
Aah! It was my turn.
396
00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:55,777
Now to curl up on a warm
car hood with a book on tape.
397
00:15:55,843 --> 00:15:57,781
MORGAN FREEMAN:
Garfield Tips the Scales
398
00:15:57,847 --> 00:16:00,118
as read by Morgan Freeman.
399
00:16:00,185 --> 00:16:02,824
"How did you like your lunch,
Garfield?"
400
00:16:02,891 --> 00:16:06,665
"Burp, burp.
I give it two burps."
401
00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:08,502
(laughs)
402
00:16:08,569 --> 00:16:09,938
Hey, what the hell
are you doing?
403
00:16:10,005 --> 00:16:12,075
Oh. Hey, Quagmire.
What, you haven't heard?
404
00:16:12,142 --> 00:16:13,712
I found out I'm a cat.
405
00:16:13,779 --> 00:16:16,050
So, I guess you and I are cool.
406
00:16:16,117 --> 00:16:18,021
(laughs)
I don't care what you did
407
00:16:18,087 --> 00:16:19,925
to convince yourself
that you're a cat.
408
00:16:19,991 --> 00:16:21,528
You're not a cat, Brian.
409
00:16:21,595 --> 00:16:24,033
I think my genetic makeup
would disagree.
410
00:16:24,099 --> 00:16:26,037
Okay, Brian,
if you're really a cat,
411
00:16:26,103 --> 00:16:27,774
prove it
by jumping off your roof.
412
00:16:27,841 --> 00:16:29,744
If you land on your feet,
safe and sound,
413
00:16:29,811 --> 00:16:31,414
I'll agree that you're a cat.
414
00:16:31,481 --> 00:16:32,917
That's it? Just jump?
415
00:16:32,984 --> 00:16:34,621
Done.
416
00:16:35,623 --> 00:16:38,963
♪ Blame it on my ADD, baby ♪
417
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,904
♪ Sail... ♪
418
00:16:46,512 --> 00:16:48,181
Not a cat.
419
00:16:54,561 --> 00:16:56,665
(coughing)
420
00:16:58,067 --> 00:17:00,005
Nope.
421
00:17:01,608 --> 00:17:04,548
♪
422
00:17:10,893 --> 00:17:13,097
(laughs)
423
00:17:13,164 --> 00:17:15,703
♪
424
00:17:30,165 --> 00:17:32,436
Ah. (laughs)
425
00:17:32,503 --> 00:17:34,608
I'm dying.
426
00:17:34,674 --> 00:17:37,012
You need him, Peter.
427
00:17:37,079 --> 00:17:38,782
I haven't been home in years.
428
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,452
Oh, my God.
429
00:17:40,519 --> 00:17:43,959
Lois was right.
I have to help him.
430
00:17:44,026 --> 00:17:47,132
- (horns honking)
- Aah! I pushed too far.
431
00:17:50,205 --> 00:17:52,977
Hey, Bri, sorry
that roof jump didn't work out.
432
00:17:53,044 --> 00:17:54,748
I guess you were right about me.
433
00:17:54,814 --> 00:17:56,484
I'm just a nobody dog.
434
00:17:56,551 --> 00:17:58,030
Well, since you're going
to be laid up,
435
00:17:58,054 --> 00:17:59,658
I got you another book on tape:
436
00:17:59,724 --> 00:18:02,830
Marmaduke as read
by Benicio Del Toro.
437
00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:05,244
BENICIO DEL TORO:"Marmaduke, get outof that bathtub.
438
00:18:05,268 --> 00:18:06,938
You look
like a (bleep) idiot."
439
00:18:07,005 --> 00:18:08,942
Please take this off my head.
440
00:18:09,009 --> 00:18:10,546
Anyway, I just wanted to say
441
00:18:10,613 --> 00:18:12,049
that you shouldn't need
a DNA report
442
00:18:12,115 --> 00:18:14,219
to know who you really are
on the inside,
443
00:18:14,286 --> 00:18:16,692
so I printed out
a new report for you‐‐
444
00:18:16,758 --> 00:18:19,964
a Brian report,
and here are the results.
445
00:18:20,031 --> 00:18:22,837
You're 30% beagle, 20% hound,
446
00:18:22,904 --> 00:18:26,745
15% terrible writer,
18% alcoholic,
447
00:18:26,812 --> 00:18:29,149
ten percent Snoopy and...
448
00:18:29,216 --> 00:18:31,588
two percent great guy.
449
00:18:34,093 --> 00:18:35,763
Thanks, Stewie.
450
00:18:35,830 --> 00:18:38,769
I'm ready for another
Vicodin and peanut butter now.
451
00:18:42,075 --> 00:18:44,246
(beeping slowly)
452
00:18:48,254 --> 00:18:50,526
(monitor flatlines)
453
00:18:50,593 --> 00:18:53,565
Time of death: Bob.
454
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:55,870
- 8:08.
- I know numbers!
455
00:18:55,936 --> 00:18:59,243
It's just been revoked.
456
00:18:59,309 --> 00:19:01,715
I think
he uses that wrong a lot.
457
00:19:01,782 --> 00:19:04,219
Come on! You got to live,
damn it! I need you!
458
00:19:04,286 --> 00:19:07,159
You do have
something to live for: me!
459
00:19:07,225 --> 00:19:09,096
You hate me, remember?
460
00:19:09,163 --> 00:19:11,167
Remember!
461
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:12,746
- (blows landing)
- Aren't you gonna do something?
462
00:19:12,770 --> 00:19:14,173
He's punching a dead patient.
463
00:19:14,239 --> 00:19:15,943
Oh, yeah. You're right.
464
00:19:16,010 --> 00:19:17,880
Good idea number 47:
465
00:19:17,947 --> 00:19:20,686
Fight Club,
but with hospital people.
466
00:19:24,159 --> 00:19:25,596
(gasps)
467
00:19:25,663 --> 00:19:28,702
(beeping slowly)
468
00:19:28,769 --> 00:19:30,205
You...
469
00:19:30,271 --> 00:19:32,743
♪
470
00:19:32,810 --> 00:19:35,248
...saved me? Why?
471
00:19:35,315 --> 00:19:36,952
Because I hate you.
472
00:19:37,018 --> 00:19:39,089
Every day, I wake up not knowing
if you're gonna
473
00:19:39,156 --> 00:19:40,869
come out of nowhere
and punch me in the face.
474
00:19:40,893 --> 00:19:42,830
I flinch
every time a door opens.
475
00:19:42,897 --> 00:19:44,166
I look over my shoulder
476
00:19:44,233 --> 00:19:46,270
every time I bend down
to tie my shoes.
477
00:19:46,337 --> 00:19:49,142
And I flip my porch light on
every night before I go to bed
478
00:19:49,209 --> 00:19:51,146
just to see
if you're standing there.
479
00:19:51,213 --> 00:19:53,752
Do you have any idea
how exciting that is?
480
00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:56,758
So I didn't save your life
because I like you.
481
00:19:56,825 --> 00:19:58,762
I saved it because...
482
00:19:58,829 --> 00:20:00,933
because I hate you.
483
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,139
I hate you, too, Peter Griffin.
484
00:20:04,206 --> 00:20:06,343
Also, if you die,
I'll be solely responsible
485
00:20:06,410 --> 00:20:09,149
for all the destruction
we've caused over the years,
486
00:20:09,216 --> 00:20:11,888
so this decision is both
emotional and financial.
487
00:20:11,955 --> 00:20:14,026
You can give him his medicine
now, Dr. Hartman.
488
00:20:14,092 --> 00:20:15,963
You haven't been giving him
his medicine?!
489
00:20:16,030 --> 00:20:19,036
Nah, I'm scared of needles so
I've been faking all my nursing.
490
00:20:21,307 --> 00:20:22,710
This guy's nuts.
491
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:38,407
(refrigerator humming)
492
00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:47,225
(crickets chirping)
493
00:20:47,292 --> 00:20:49,296
Mmm.
494
00:20:57,546 --> 00:20:59,149
Good.
495
00:20:59,199 --> 00:21:03,749
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