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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:05,004 ? It seems today that all you see ? 2 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,174 ? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ? 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,886 ? But where are those good old-fashioned values ? 4 00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:14,847 ? On which we used to rely? ? 5 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,302 ? Lucky there's a family guy ? 6 00:00:18,303 --> 00:00:21,604 ? Lucky there's a man who positively can do ? 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ? All the things that make us ? 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,024 ? Laugh and cry ? 9 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,155 ? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ? 10 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,909 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com 11 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,745 Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. 12 00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:38,996 Please don't adjust your sets. 13 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,915 I've been sneezing all over the camera. 14 00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,918 That's right. The flu epidemic has officially hit Quahog. 15 00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:45,753 So, for the rest of tonight's broadcast, 16 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:48,631 my mommy will be spoon-feeding me chicken soup. 17 00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:50,299 - Mommy. - Tommy. 18 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,969 Hey, guys, I brought a sneeze home from school. 19 00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:54,470 You want to see it? 20 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,972 Ah-ah... 21 00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:59,642 No...! 22 00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:02,771 Choo! 23 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,441 ? Do, do, do, do ? 24 00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:12,572 ? Do, do, do, do ? 25 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:15,866 ? Do, do, do, do ? 26 00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:18,077 ? Do, do, do, do ? 27 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,329 ? Do, do, do, do ? 28 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:22,248 ? Do, do, do, do ? 29 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:25,626 ? Do, do, do, do. ? 30 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:38,306 Damn it, who's secretly an X-Man? 31 00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:40,891 You know, I'm actually starting to not feel well. 32 00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:43,811 Oh, boy. Guess we better line it up for butt temps. 33 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,813 I'll go first and third. 34 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,648 Peter, you look okay. Would you mind going out 35 00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:48,983 and grabbing some medicine? 36 00:01:48,984 --> 00:01:51,652 Okay, but if I get a DUI, it's your fault. 37 00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:52,820 You're drunk? 38 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,615 It's after dinner! 39 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:09,129 Where is everybody? 40 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,508 Hmm. 41 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,973 ? I will do the laundry ? 42 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:25,186 ? If you pay all the bills ? 43 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:29,065 ? Where is my John Wayne? ? 44 00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:32,902 ? Where is my prairie song? ? 45 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:36,030 ? Where is my happy ending? ? 46 00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:38,699 ? Where have all the cowboys gone? ? 47 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:41,577 Damn it, I give up. 48 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:44,997 Paula Cole! 49 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,208 Oh, I hate her. I should've known that. 50 00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:48,459 ? Why don't you stay... ? 51 00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:52,880 Two outs, bottom of the ninth, 52 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:55,049 man on second, Red Sox down by a run. 53 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,884 Peter Griffin down to his last strike. 54 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:58,094 Here comes the pitch. 55 00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:00,096 Strike three, and he knew it. 56 00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:01,806 Didn't even get the bat off his shoulder. 57 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:05,226 Griffin will almost certainly be sent down to Triple-A Pawtucket. 58 00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:07,228 Strike three, and he knew it. 59 00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:10,356 Griffin will almost certainly be sent to Double-A Bristol. 60 00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,483 Strike three, and he knew it. 61 00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,735 Griffin will certainly be sent to the dirt field 62 00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,195 where they filmed The Sandlot. 63 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,280 Strike three, and he knew it. 64 00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:21,409 Mr. Griffin, maybe it's time to try a different sport. 65 00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,578 Five seconds left, Celtics down by one. 66 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:25,913 Griffin with a clear line to the basket. 67 00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:28,375 Off his foot and out of bounds! 68 00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:38,217 Stay. 69 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,885 Sorry, I couldn't find a sitter. 70 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:42,722 So, I ran some tests and it's official: 71 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,014 you all have the flu. 72 00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,850 But luckily you got here in time. 73 00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:47,560 Doc, this is very important. 74 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,979 How long before she can make dinner again? 75 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,731 I only know how to make eggs. 76 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,733 Oh, don't worry. Everyone should make a full recovery 77 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:54,984 in a couple of days. 78 00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:57,403 Okay, good. I can egg my way through that. 79 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,363 I actually wanted to talk to you, Peter. 80 00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,741 It's very rare that someone would be around 81 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,076 so many infected people and not get sick themselves. 82 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,703 So I went ahead and tested you 83 00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:07,204 and I found something very interesting. 84 00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,541 Sadie, quiet. I'm right here. 85 00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:12,710 Rescues. Not worth it. 86 00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,212 Peter, you appear to have a very strong immune system. 87 00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:16,213 Kegels. 88 00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:17,631 - What? - I don't know. 89 00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:20,092 Anyway, this flu season has decimated the hospital, 90 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,844 and we're severely short-staffed. 91 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:23,804 How would you like to be a male nurse? 92 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:26,265 Do I get to wear those green pajama clothes all day? 93 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,100 - Yes. - I'll do it! 94 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,102 Wow. I've never helped anyone before. 95 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,813 Well, except for that time I picked the last piece of bread. 96 00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:35,107 Whoa. You picked me. 97 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,984 I've been skipped and flipped 98 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,694 and reached over so many times, 99 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,196 I wasn't sure I'd ever get out. 100 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,864 So, what are you gonna put on me? 101 00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:43,657 Jelly? Cream cheese? 102 00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:44,992 Maybe some nut butters? 103 00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:47,203 Actually, I'm just using you to squish a spider. 104 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,329 Aw. 105 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,331 Yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck. 106 00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,963 You know, last week's flu scare got me thinking. 107 00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,965 I don't know anything about my genetic makeup 108 00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:02,259 or what other illnesses I might be susceptible to. 109 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,345 You know who'd love this story? Chris. 110 00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:07,640 So, it made me want to do a 23andMe genetic test. 111 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,809 - Chris! - It says I'm predisposed 112 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,101 to like caffeine. 113 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,937 So true, so true. 114 00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:14,814 I can't even function without my caff. 115 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,065 I get all grr. 116 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,316 How many more of these are there? 117 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,193 Whew, don't have the Alzheimer's gene. 118 00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,903 That's good. 119 00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:22,780 And it says I don't have the Alzheimer's gene, 120 00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:24,073 so that's good. 121 00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,199 Hmm. 122 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,200 Wait, what was that? 123 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,536 It was nothing. 124 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,246 Oh, my God. Brian. 125 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,624 You're one percent cat! 126 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,084 And part Black. 127 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,836 - What?! - Whoa! 128 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,254 I was just kidding about the Black thing. 129 00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:41,174 That was a test and you... 130 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:50,057 Morning, family. I need breakfast stat. 131 00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,101 Are you excited for your first day as a nurse, Dad? 132 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,394 I am. Thanks, Mug. 133 00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,478 Meg. 134 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,605 M-Mug... 135 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,858 So, how's this gonna work, Dad? 136 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,401 You don't know anything about medicine. 137 00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:02,152 Oh, there's a lot more to being a nurse 138 00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,821 than medical mumbo jumbo. 139 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,156 For example, what's the next holiday? 140 00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:07,199 Memorial Day. 141 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,034 - The next one. - Fourth of July. 142 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,995 - Say "Christmas." - Christmas. 143 00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:12,204 Eh? 144 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,664 That's good nursing. 145 00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,082 Yeah, I agree with Chris. 146 00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,209 I don't think you have the makeup to be a nurse. 147 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,003 - You're impatient... - Are you done? 148 00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,379 And you faint when you see blood. 149 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,966 I got over that. Pass the ketchup. 150 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,220 "Oh, don't buy a fainting couch, Stewie. 151 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:31,391 No one in this house is gonna need a fainting couch, Stewie." 152 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,397 Hey, Stewie. 153 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:40,900 What was that? 154 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,276 Was that a cat stretch? 155 00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,986 Oh, my God, is that what that looks like? 156 00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:45,237 I mean, you said it. 157 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,406 I guess that DNA report was right on the money. 158 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,783 Nature over nurture. 159 00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:53,162 What are you... Are you purring? 160 00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,997 Do you really think you're a cat? 161 00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:57,124 Yeah. No, I... I don't know. 162 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:58,626 Okay? I-I just feel different. 163 00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,002 I don't care what that report said. 164 00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,378 You're not a cat. 165 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:03,839 You're what's called a pretentious absorber. 166 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,961 - What's that? - You remember how Madonna 167 00:07:05,962 --> 00:07:08,385 lived in London for, like, a month and then started talking 168 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,762 with a British accent? 169 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:12,348 - It's that. - If I weren't a cat, 170 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,433 would I be obsessed with this scratch post? 171 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,018 That's not a scratch post. 172 00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,895 That's Meg's leg. 173 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:20,148 Don't stop. 174 00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,320 Peter, welcome to your first day. 175 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,405 Doc, this may sound silly, but 176 00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:30,407 What do I do? 177 00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:32,242 As a nurse, it's important to know 178 00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:34,286 how every department in a hospital works. 179 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:37,122 So today I need you to observe surgery. 180 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,250 Boo! 181 00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:43,964 Boo! My sister can attach ventricles better than you! 182 00:07:44,582 --> 00:07:46,298 He's not Jewish! 183 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:48,884 Come on, everybody! 184 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,512 He's not Jewish! 185 00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:58,477 Peter? What are you doing here? 186 00:07:58,478 --> 00:07:59,561 I'm your nurse. 187 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:02,412 So, what brings you in today, Mr... 188 00:08:02,413 --> 00:08:03,663 Quagmire? 189 00:08:03,664 --> 00:08:05,067 Look, I-I don't really feel comfortable 190 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,778 sharing my health problems with one of my buddies. 191 00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:08,988 Can I get a different nurse? 192 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,364 You're in a hospital, Glenn. 193 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,491 Anything you say is private and confidential 194 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,952 - and legally protected by HIPAA... - Don't say it. 195 00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:15,953 Potamus. 196 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,496 What's said here stays here. 197 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,378 So, what's your problem? 198 00:08:19,379 --> 00:08:22,001 Okay. So, I was at home watching Mrs. Fletcher. 199 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,503 - Mm-hmm. - It's a pretty sexually driven show, 200 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,880 - and it kinda gets me going. - Right, right. 201 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,405 So, I'm pretty revved up and I decide to you know. 202 00:08:29,406 --> 00:08:30,718 Sure. 203 00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:33,053 And I don't have a prayer of finishing 204 00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:34,888 - Like, weird notches. - Uh-huh. 205 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:37,891 So I look over at my side table and I see the Apple TV remote 206 00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:39,852 - And I think, "Well, that could work." - Right. 207 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,946 Before I know it, I've got six Apple TV remotes taped together 208 00:08:42,947 --> 00:08:44,398 - and my foot behind my head. - Got it. 209 00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:46,358 And just as I get everything... you know 210 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,360 - 'Kay. - Mrs. Fletcher ends 211 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,404 - and Watchmen starts, which scares me. - Mm. Wow. 212 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:53,032 But now it's too late because everything's... you know. 213 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,533 Oh, my stars. 214 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,536 Uh, hold on a second. I got a text. 215 00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,131 - What do we got? - Suspected heart attack. 216 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:10,382 He's not breathing. No pulse. 217 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,426 I can save him, but we got to move fast. 218 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:15,012 Give me 20cc's of Music Factory. 219 00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:16,180 Clear! 220 00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:18,182 ? Everybody dance now! ? 221 00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:19,558 Again! Clear! 222 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,852 ? Everybody dance now! ? 223 00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:22,895 Clear! 224 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,605 ? Everybody dance now! ? 225 00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:30,611 You did it! Great work. 226 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,029 Don't thank me. 227 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,198 Thank silly '90s songs. 228 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,282 What do we got? 229 00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:36,784 Head injury. He got knocked down. 230 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:37,993 We'll get him up again. 231 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,536 I need two milligrams of Chumba 232 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:40,955 and one of Wamba! 233 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,047 Oh, hey, Brian. 234 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,174 You want to come up? 235 00:09:51,175 --> 00:09:52,591 Come on up. 236 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,218 Come on up. Come on. 237 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,136 Right here. Jump up. 238 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:57,596 Pss, pss, pss. 239 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,181 Jump up. 240 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,974 Come on. There's a spot right here. 241 00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,601 Come on up. Be a friend. 242 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,977 Just jump up. 243 00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,646 I know you want to come up here. 244 00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,523 Jump the hell up here, you dope. 245 00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:09,691 I demand that you jump up here and be a companion. 246 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:12,111 Be a companion! Get up here! 247 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,530 - Mommy? - All right. 248 00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:17,032 Now I'm gonna scratch your forehead for a while, 249 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:19,034 so don't seem like you like it at first, 250 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,579 then suddenly bite my hand for no reason. 251 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,635 Ow! That's it. I'm gonna go online 252 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,180 and buy you a $70 toy you'll hate. 253 00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:46,271 Enjoy your soup, old man whose butt is out. 254 00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:50,148 You! 255 00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:00,784 Geez, what's wrong with you? We usually start fighting. 256 00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,369 I'm dying, Peter. 257 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:04,037 Oh. 258 00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,497 Let me close your privacy curtains 259 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,541 to make you more comfortable. 260 00:11:10,825 --> 00:11:12,714 That feel better? 261 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:22,598 I'm sorry, Dr. Hartman, but I can't help this patient. 262 00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,141 We're really big rivals. 263 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:26,393 Peter, if I only helped people I liked, 264 00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,478 everyone in this hospital would be dead. 265 00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:30,480 Just do what I do... help them out, 266 00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:33,317 then angry Footloose dance-out your frustrations. 267 00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:36,028 Dr. Hartman, please report to Cardiology. 268 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,821 - Dr. Hartman. - I got to go. 269 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:48,498 This must make you pretty happy. 270 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,250 Seeing me like this. 271 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,085 I took too much ecstasy in my 20s, 272 00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:53,795 so nothing makes me happy anymore. 273 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,173 - What's wrong with you anyway? - Bird flu. 274 00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,758 But there's a vaccine for that. 275 00:11:57,759 --> 00:11:59,760 Yeah, loaded with... 276 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,762 Mercury and antifreeze. 277 00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:03,472 No... thank you. 278 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:06,391 Ah, I knew I hated you for a good reason. 279 00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:08,644 This is probably for the best anyway. 280 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,729 There's nothing left for me in this world. 281 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,398 I lost my job, I lost my house, 282 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,567 my wife left me for a bigger cock. 283 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,070 - Cocks are chickens. - I'm better off dead. 284 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,113 Oh, that's sad. I agree. 285 00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,615 I guess that means I win, huh? 286 00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,617 I guess so. 287 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:26,828 After all these years, who thought it would end like this? 288 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,789 Yeah, it's, uh, kind of anticlimactic. 289 00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:30,749 I always thought it would end with me 290 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,668 - eating you for Thanksgiving. - Eating you for Thanksgiving? 291 00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,878 Wait. Birds eat people on Thanksgiving? 292 00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,589 - Yeah. - Huh. Cool. 293 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,259 Well, a win's a win, even if it's like this. 294 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,885 And it's too bad. I had an awesome line 295 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,887 I was gonna say when I finally beat you. 296 00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,597 Oh, yeah? What was it? 297 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,224 Oh, it was a good one. 298 00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:48,533 Say it. 299 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:56,358 I got to go. 300 00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:59,653 You get five minutes to say goodbye to your father. 301 00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:00,896 Sup, Ernie? 302 00:13:00,897 --> 00:13:03,616 Holy moly, that's a huge cock. 303 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,707 Chris, no footsy under the table. 304 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,125 It's disturbing. 305 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,459 Good evening, family. 306 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,669 Champagne? 307 00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,004 Maybe open that facing 308 00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:19,756 - (YOWLS) - Ah, (BLEEP). My eye! 309 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,341 What are we celebrating? 310 00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,135 Is our IRS audit finally over? 311 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,845 Oh, we wish. 312 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:27,723 Also, we have to put a desk in the garage and the attic. 313 00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,558 Every room needs a desk. 314 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,810 Our house has to be more office than living space. 315 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,730 Anyway, this champagne is to celebrate my victory 316 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,481 over the Giant Chicken. 317 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,009 I saw him at the hospital today. 318 00:13:38,010 --> 00:13:40,902 He's dying, which means our great feud is finally over, 319 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:42,654 and I won. 320 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,656 - What feud? - Wait. 321 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,027 - Peter and the Giant Chicken? - Who? 322 00:13:47,028 --> 00:13:49,745 The Giant Chicken. Come on. Everybody knows we have a feud. 323 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:51,747 It's like Bart and Sideshow Bob. 324 00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:55,459 Ooh! I love the Bart and Sideshow Bob feud! 325 00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,878 Multiple episodes over multiple seasons. 326 00:13:57,879 --> 00:14:00,630 An ongoing story line with a classic guest star 327 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,716 played by television legend Kelsey Grammer. 328 00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:04,468 Giant Chicken is classic! 329 00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,595 - Who plays him? - Danny Smith. 330 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:09,181 - Who? - Danny Smith. 331 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,600 Any-Anyway, I won. Another bottle? 332 00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,518 You're the only one... 333 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:14,895 (BLEEP)! My eye! 334 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,730 The Giant Chicken is really dying? 335 00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:18,607 A-Aren't you gonna help him? You're a nurse. 336 00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:21,115 - You took an oath. - Actually, I didn't. 337 00:14:21,116 --> 00:14:23,320 I don't get paid, and they don't even validate my parking. 338 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:25,280 What about a GoFundMe? 339 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:28,200 We're white people. That seems like the natural response. 340 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,369 No, Lois. I'm not helping him. He's my enemy. 341 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,912 He gave me a bad coupon 342 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,706 in what online idiots say was our best season. 343 00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,750 Unforgivable, and I say, good riddance. 344 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,085 Another bottle? 345 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,795 Oh, that's me. 346 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:41,838 You dick! 347 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,757 You need him, Peter. 348 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,801 Everyone needs a rival. 349 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,428 Wilt had Russell, Bird had Magic, 350 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,222 LeBron has his hairline. 351 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,640 Oh, basketball? 352 00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:54,142 I know hair-related sports things. 353 00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:58,438 Hate is the most important emotion in life next to love. 354 00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:01,691 When you have someone to hate, you have something to live for, 355 00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:03,735 someone to beat at something. 356 00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,864 I have blue Subaru 8CXX475. 357 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:10,534 It stole my spot in a Target parking lot 358 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,744 on Black Friday three years ago, 359 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:16,415 and I've carried a D battery in my pocket every day since. 360 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,000 This is either gonna break a windshield, teeth, 361 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,836 or in a perfect world, both. 362 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,379 And the thought of that car 363 00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:25,257 somewhere out there gets me up every morning. 364 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,884 Vengeance is a powerful alarm clock. 365 00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:29,761 If the Giant Chicken dies, 366 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,431 a part of you dies, too, Peter! 367 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,765 And you're gonna be searching for something 368 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,810 to fill that void the rest of your life! 369 00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,812 That's good, Lois, but I'm not helping him. 370 00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:40,856 - Helping who? - The Giant Chicken. 371 00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:44,277 Oh, yeah, your big rival. 372 00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:48,489 Aah! It was my turn. 373 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:55,704 Now to curl up on a warm car hood with a book on tape. 374 00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:57,706 Garfield Tips the Scales 375 00:15:57,707 --> 00:16:00,041 as read by Morgan Freeman. 376 00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:02,752 "How did you like your lunch, Garfield?" 377 00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:06,590 "Burp, burp. I give it two burps." 378 00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:09,843 Hey, what the hell are you doing? 379 00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:12,012 Oh. Hey, Quagmire. What, you haven't heard? 380 00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:13,555 I found out I'm a cat. 381 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,932 So, I guess you and I are cool. 382 00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:17,934 I don't care what you did 383 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:19,853 to convince yourself that you're a cat. 384 00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:21,271 You're not a cat, Brian. 385 00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:23,940 I think my genetic makeup would disagree. 386 00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:25,942 Okay, Brian, if you're really a cat, 387 00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:27,694 prove it by jumping off your roof. 388 00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:29,654 If you land on your feet, safe and sound, 389 00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:31,323 I'll agree that you're a cat. 390 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,824 That's it? Just jump? 391 00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,368 Done. 392 00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:38,789 ? Blame it on my ADD, baby ? 393 00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:42,710 ? Sail... ? 394 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,090 Not a cat. 395 00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,810 Nope. 396 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:32,342 Ah. 397 00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:34,511 I'm dying. 398 00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,930 You need him, Peter. 399 00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:38,557 I haven't been home in years. 400 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,475 Oh, my God. 401 00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:43,769 Lois was right. I have to help him. 402 00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:46,983 Aah! I pushed too far. 403 00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:52,904 Hey, Bri, sorry that roof jump didn't work out. 404 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,656 I guess you were right about me. 405 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,408 I'm just a nobody dog. 406 00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:57,909 Well, since you're going to be laid up, 407 00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,578 I got you another book on tape: 408 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,582 Marmaduke as read by Benicio Del Toro. 409 00:18:03,001 --> 00:18:05,125 "Marmaduke, get out of that bathtub. 410 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,835 You look like a (BLEEP) idiot." 411 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,837 Please take this off my head. 412 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,463 Anyway, I just wanted to say 413 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:11,965 that you shouldn't need a DNA report 414 00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:14,134 to know who you really are on the inside, 415 00:18:14,135 --> 00:18:16,595 so I printed out a new report for you 416 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:19,764 a Brian report, and here are the results. 417 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,767 You're 30% beagle, 20% hound, 418 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:26,646 15% terrible writer, 18% alcoholic, 419 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,065 ten percent Snoopy and 420 00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:31,277 two percent great guy. 421 00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:35,396 Thanks, Stewie. 422 00:18:35,397 --> 00:18:38,534 I'm ready for another Vicodin and peanut butter now. 423 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,465 Time of death: Bob. 424 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,634 - 8:08. - I know numbers! 425 00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:59,137 It's just been revoked. 426 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,431 I think he uses that wrong a lot. 427 00:19:01,432 --> 00:19:04,142 Come on! You got to live, damn it! I need you! 428 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,020 You do have something to live for: me! 429 00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:09,022 You hate me, remember? 430 00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:11,024 Remember! 431 00:19:11,025 --> 00:19:12,609 Aren't you gonna do something? 432 00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,069 He's punching a dead patient. 433 00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,862 Oh, yeah. You're right. 434 00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:17,781 Good idea number 47: 435 00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:20,451 Fight Club, but with hospital people. 436 00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:30,085 You... 437 00:19:32,550 --> 00:19:35,131 Saved me? Why? 438 00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:36,883 Because I hate you. 439 00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:39,010 Every day, I wake up not knowing if you're gonna 440 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,762 come out of nowhere and punch me in the face. 441 00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:42,764 I flinch every time a door opens. 442 00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,099 I look over my shoulder 443 00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,184 every time I bend down to tie my shoes. 444 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:49,062 And I flip my porch light on every night before I go to bed 445 00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:51,022 just to see if you're standing there. 446 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,650 Do you have any idea how exciting that is? 447 00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:56,695 So I didn't save your life because I like you. 448 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:58,697 I saved it because 449 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,740 because I hate you. 450 00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:03,993 I hate you, too, Peter Griffin. 451 00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:06,246 Also, if you die, I'll be solely responsible 452 00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:09,082 for all the destruction we've caused over the years, 453 00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:11,710 so this decision is both emotional and financial. 454 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,962 You can give him his medicine now, Dr. Hartman. 455 00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:15,880 You haven't been giving him his medicine?! 456 00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:18,884 Nah, I'm scared of needles so I've been faking all my nursing. 457 00:20:21,518 --> 00:20:23,390 This guy's nuts. 458 00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:49,165 Mmm. 459 00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:59,008 Good. 32545

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