Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:05,004
? It seems today that all you see ?
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,174
? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?
3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,886
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
4
00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:14,847
? On which we used to rely? ?
5
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,302
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
6
00:00:18,303 --> 00:00:21,604
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?
7
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189
? All the things that make us ?
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,024
? Laugh and cry ?
9
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,155
? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ?
10
00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,909
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com
11
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,745
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
12
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:38,996
Please don't adjust your sets.
13
00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,915
I've been sneezing all over the camera.
14
00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,918
That's right. The flu epidemic
has officially hit Quahog.
15
00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:45,753
So, for the rest of tonight's broadcast,
16
00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:48,631
my mommy will be spoon-feeding
me chicken soup.
17
00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:50,299
- Mommy.
- Tommy.
18
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,969
Hey, guys, I brought a sneeze
home from school.
19
00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:54,470
You want to see it?
20
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,972
Ah-ah...
21
00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:59,642
No...!
22
00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:02,771
Choo!
23
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,441
? Do, do, do, do ?
24
00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:12,572
? Do, do, do, do ?
25
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:15,866
? Do, do, do, do ?
26
00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:18,077
? Do, do, do, do ?
27
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,329
? Do, do, do, do ?
28
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:22,248
? Do, do, do, do ?
29
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:25,626
? Do, do, do, do. ?
30
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:38,306
Damn it, who's secretly an X-Man?
31
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:40,891
You know, I'm actually starting
to not feel well.
32
00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:43,811
Oh, boy. Guess we better
line it up for butt temps.
33
00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,813
I'll go first and third.
34
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,648
Peter, you look okay.
Would you mind going out
35
00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:48,983
and grabbing some medicine?
36
00:01:48,984 --> 00:01:51,652
Okay, but if I get a DUI,
it's your fault.
37
00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:52,820
You're drunk?
38
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,615
It's after dinner!
39
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:09,129
Where is everybody?
40
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,508
Hmm.
41
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,973
? I will do the laundry ?
42
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:25,186
? If you pay all the bills ?
43
00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:29,065
? Where is my John Wayne? ?
44
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:32,902
? Where is my prairie song? ?
45
00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:36,030
? Where is my happy ending? ?
46
00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:38,699
? Where have all the cowboys gone? ?
47
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:41,577
Damn it, I give up.
48
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:44,997
Paula Cole!
49
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,208
Oh, I hate her. I should've known that.
50
00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:48,459
? Why don't you stay... ?
51
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:52,880
Two outs, bottom of the ninth,
52
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:55,049
man on second, Red Sox down by a run.
53
00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,884
Peter Griffin down to his last strike.
54
00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:58,094
Here comes the pitch.
55
00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:00,096
Strike three, and he knew it.
56
00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:01,806
Didn't even get the bat
off his shoulder.
57
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:05,226
Griffin will almost certainly be
sent down to Triple-A Pawtucket.
58
00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:07,228
Strike three, and he knew it.
59
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:10,356
Griffin will almost certainly be
sent to Double-A Bristol.
60
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,483
Strike three, and he knew it.
61
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,735
Griffin will certainly be sent
to the dirt field
62
00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,195
where they filmed The Sandlot.
63
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,280
Strike three, and he knew it.
64
00:03:18,281 --> 00:03:21,409
Mr. Griffin, maybe it's time
to try a different sport.
65
00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,578
Five seconds left, Celtics down by one.
66
00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:25,913
Griffin with a clear line to the basket.
67
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:28,375
Off his foot and out of bounds!
68
00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:38,217
Stay.
69
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,885
Sorry, I couldn't find a sitter.
70
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:42,722
So, I ran some tests and it's official:
71
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,014
you all have the flu.
72
00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,850
But luckily you got here in time.
73
00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:47,560
Doc, this is very important.
74
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,979
How long before
she can make dinner again?
75
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,731
I only know how to make eggs.
76
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,733
Oh, don't worry. Everyone
should make a full recovery
77
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:54,984
in a couple of days.
78
00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:57,403
Okay, good.
I can egg my way through that.
79
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,363
I actually wanted to talk to you, Peter.
80
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,741
It's very rare
that someone would be around
81
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,076
so many infected people
and not get sick themselves.
82
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,703
So I went ahead and tested you
83
00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:07,204
and I found something very interesting.
84
00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,541
Sadie, quiet. I'm right here.
85
00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:12,710
Rescues. Not worth it.
86
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,212
Peter, you appear to have
a very strong immune system.
87
00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:16,213
Kegels.
88
00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:17,631
- What?
- I don't know.
89
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:20,092
Anyway, this flu season
has decimated the hospital,
90
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,844
and we're severely short-staffed.
91
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:23,804
How would you like to be a male nurse?
92
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:26,265
Do I get to wear those green
pajama clothes all day?
93
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,100
- Yes.
- I'll do it!
94
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,102
Wow. I've never helped anyone before.
95
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,813
Well, except for that time I
picked the last piece of bread.
96
00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:35,107
Whoa. You picked me.
97
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,984
I've been skipped and flipped
98
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,694
and reached over so many times,
99
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,196
I wasn't sure I'd ever get out.
100
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:41,864
So, what are you gonna put on me?
101
00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:43,657
Jelly? Cream cheese?
102
00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:44,992
Maybe some nut butters?
103
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:47,203
Actually, I'm just using you
to squish a spider.
104
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,329
Aw.
105
00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,331
Yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
106
00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:57,963
You know, last week's flu scare
got me thinking.
107
00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,965
I don't know anything
about my genetic makeup
108
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:02,259
or what other illnesses
I might be susceptible to.
109
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,345
You know who'd love this story? Chris.
110
00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:07,640
So, it made me want to do
a 23andMe genetic test.
111
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,809
- Chris!
- It says I'm predisposed
112
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,101
to like caffeine.
113
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,937
So true, so true.
114
00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:14,814
I can't even function without my caff.
115
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,065
I get all grr.
116
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,316
How many more of these are there?
117
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,193
Whew, don't have the Alzheimer's gene.
118
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:20,903
That's good.
119
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:22,780
And it says I don't have
the Alzheimer's gene,
120
00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:24,073
so that's good.
121
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,199
Hmm.
122
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,200
Wait, what was that?
123
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,536
It was nothing.
124
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,246
Oh, my God. Brian.
125
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,624
You're one percent cat!
126
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,084
And part Black.
127
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,836
- What?!
- Whoa!
128
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,254
I was just kidding
about the Black thing.
129
00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:41,174
That was a test and you...
130
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:50,057
Morning, family. I need breakfast stat.
131
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,101
Are you excited for
your first day as a nurse, Dad?
132
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:53,394
I am. Thanks, Mug.
133
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,478
Meg.
134
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,605
M-Mug...
135
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,858
So, how's this gonna work, Dad?
136
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,401
You don't know anything about medicine.
137
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:02,152
Oh, there's a lot more to being a nurse
138
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,821
than medical mumbo jumbo.
139
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,156
For example, what's the next holiday?
140
00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:07,199
Memorial Day.
141
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,034
- The next one.
- Fourth of July.
142
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,995
- Say "Christmas."
- Christmas.
143
00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:12,204
Eh?
144
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,664
That's good nursing.
145
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:15,082
Yeah, I agree with Chris.
146
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,209
I don't think you have
the makeup to be a nurse.
147
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,003
- You're impatient...
- Are you done?
148
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,379
And you faint when you see blood.
149
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,966
I got over that. Pass the ketchup.
150
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,220
"Oh, don't buy a fainting couch, Stewie.
151
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:31,391
No one in this house is gonna
need a fainting couch, Stewie."
152
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,397
Hey, Stewie.
153
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:40,900
What was that?
154
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,276
Was that a cat stretch?
155
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,986
Oh, my God,
is that what that looks like?
156
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:45,237
I mean, you said it.
157
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,406
I guess that DNA report
was right on the money.
158
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,783
Nature over nurture.
159
00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:53,162
What are you... Are you purring?
160
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,997
Do you really think you're a cat?
161
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:57,124
Yeah. No, I... I don't know.
162
00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:58,626
Okay? I-I just feel different.
163
00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,002
I don't care what that report said.
164
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,378
You're not a cat.
165
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:03,839
You're what's called
a pretentious absorber.
166
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,961
- What's that?
- You remember how Madonna
167
00:07:05,962 --> 00:07:08,385
lived in London for, like,
a month and then started talking
168
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,762
with a British accent?
169
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:12,348
- It's that.
- If I weren't a cat,
170
00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,433
would I be obsessed
with this scratch post?
171
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,018
That's not a scratch post.
172
00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,895
That's Meg's leg.
173
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:20,148
Don't stop.
174
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,320
Peter, welcome to your first day.
175
00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,405
Doc, this may sound silly, but
176
00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:30,407
What do I do?
177
00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:32,242
As a nurse, it's important to know
178
00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:34,286
how every department
in a hospital works.
179
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:37,122
So today I need you to observe surgery.
180
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,250
Boo!
181
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:43,964
Boo! My sister can attach
ventricles better than you!
182
00:07:44,582 --> 00:07:46,298
He's not Jewish!
183
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:48,884
Come on, everybody!
184
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,512
He's not Jewish!
185
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:58,477
Peter? What are you doing here?
186
00:07:58,478 --> 00:07:59,561
I'm your nurse.
187
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:02,412
So, what brings you in today, Mr...
188
00:08:02,413 --> 00:08:03,663
Quagmire?
189
00:08:03,664 --> 00:08:05,067
Look, I-I don't really feel comfortable
190
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,778
sharing my health problems
with one of my buddies.
191
00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:08,988
Can I get a different nurse?
192
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,364
You're in a hospital, Glenn.
193
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,491
Anything you say is private
and confidential
194
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,952
- and legally protected by HIPAA...
- Don't say it.
195
00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:15,953
Potamus.
196
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,496
What's said here stays here.
197
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,378
So, what's your problem?
198
00:08:19,379 --> 00:08:22,001
Okay. So, I was at home
watching Mrs. Fletcher.
199
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,503
- Mm-hmm.
- It's a pretty sexually driven show,
200
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,880
- and it kinda gets me going.
- Right, right.
201
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,405
So, I'm pretty revved up and I decide to
you know.
202
00:08:29,406 --> 00:08:30,718
Sure.
203
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:33,053
And I don't have a prayer of finishing
204
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:34,888
- Like, weird notches.
- Uh-huh.
205
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:37,891
So I look over at my side table and
I see the Apple TV remote
206
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:39,852
- And I think, "Well, that could work."
- Right.
207
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,946
Before I know it, I've got six
Apple TV remotes taped together
208
00:08:42,947 --> 00:08:44,398
- and my foot behind my head.
- Got it.
209
00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:46,358
And just as I get everything... you know
210
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,360
- 'Kay.
- Mrs. Fletcher ends
211
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,404
- and Watchmen starts, which scares me.
- Mm. Wow.
212
00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:53,032
But now it's too late because
everything's... you know.
213
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,533
Oh, my stars.
214
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,536
Uh, hold on a second. I got a text.
215
00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,131
- What do we got?
- Suspected heart attack.
216
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:10,382
He's not breathing. No pulse.
217
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,426
I can save him, but we got to move fast.
218
00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:15,012
Give me 20cc's of Music Factory.
219
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:16,180
Clear!
220
00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:18,182
? Everybody dance now! ?
221
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:19,558
Again! Clear!
222
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,852
? Everybody dance now! ?
223
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:22,895
Clear!
224
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,605
? Everybody dance now! ?
225
00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:30,611
You did it! Great work.
226
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,029
Don't thank me.
227
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,198
Thank silly '90s songs.
228
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,282
What do we got?
229
00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:36,784
Head injury. He got knocked down.
230
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:37,993
We'll get him up again.
231
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,536
I need two milligrams of Chumba
232
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:40,955
and one of Wamba!
233
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,047
Oh, hey, Brian.
234
00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,174
You want to come up?
235
00:09:51,175 --> 00:09:52,591
Come on up.
236
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,218
Come on up. Come on.
237
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,136
Right here. Jump up.
238
00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:57,596
Pss, pss, pss.
239
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,181
Jump up.
240
00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,974
Come on. There's a spot right here.
241
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,601
Come on up. Be a friend.
242
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,977
Just jump up.
243
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,646
I know you want to come up here.
244
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,523
Jump the hell up here, you dope.
245
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:09,691
I demand that you jump up here
and be a companion.
246
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:12,111
Be a companion! Get up here!
247
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:14,530
- Mommy?
- All right.
248
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:17,032
Now I'm gonna scratch
your forehead for a while,
249
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:19,034
so don't seem like you like it at first,
250
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,579
then suddenly bite my hand
for no reason.
251
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,635
Ow! That's it. I'm gonna go online
252
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,180
and buy you a $70 toy you'll hate.
253
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:46,271
Enjoy your soup,
old man whose butt is out.
254
00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:50,148
You!
255
00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:00,784
Geez, what's wrong with you?
We usually start fighting.
256
00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:02,369
I'm dying, Peter.
257
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:04,037
Oh.
258
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,497
Let me close your privacy curtains
259
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,541
to make you more comfortable.
260
00:11:10,825 --> 00:11:12,714
That feel better?
261
00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:22,598
I'm sorry, Dr. Hartman,
but I can't help this patient.
262
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,141
We're really big rivals.
263
00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:26,393
Peter, if I only helped people I liked,
264
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,478
everyone in this hospital would be dead.
265
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:30,480
Just do what I do... help them out,
266
00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:33,317
then angry Footloose dance-out
your frustrations.
267
00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:36,028
Dr. Hartman,
please report to Cardiology.
268
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,821
- Dr. Hartman.
- I got to go.
269
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:48,498
This must make you pretty happy.
270
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,250
Seeing me like this.
271
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,085
I took too much ecstasy in my 20s,
272
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:53,795
so nothing makes me happy anymore.
273
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,173
- What's wrong with you anyway?
- Bird flu.
274
00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,758
But there's a vaccine for that.
275
00:11:57,759 --> 00:11:59,760
Yeah, loaded with...
276
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,762
Mercury and antifreeze.
277
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:03,472
No... thank you.
278
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:06,391
Ah, I knew I hated you
for a good reason.
279
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:08,644
This is probably for the best anyway.
280
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,729
There's nothing left
for me in this world.
281
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,398
I lost my job, I lost my house,
282
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,567
my wife left me for a bigger cock.
283
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,070
- Cocks are chickens.
- I'm better off dead.
284
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,113
Oh, that's sad. I agree.
285
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,615
I guess that means I win, huh?
286
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,617
I guess so.
287
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:26,828
After all these years, who
thought it would end like this?
288
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,789
Yeah, it's, uh, kind of anticlimactic.
289
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:30,749
I always thought it would end with me
290
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,668
- eating you for Thanksgiving.
- Eating you for Thanksgiving?
291
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,878
Wait. Birds eat people on Thanksgiving?
292
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,589
- Yeah.
- Huh. Cool.
293
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,259
Well, a win's a win,
even if it's like this.
294
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,885
And it's too bad. I had an awesome line
295
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:43,887
I was gonna say when I finally beat you.
296
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,597
Oh, yeah? What was it?
297
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,224
Oh, it was a good one.
298
00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:48,533
Say it.
299
00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:56,358
I got to go.
300
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:59,653
You get five minutes to
say goodbye to your father.
301
00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:00,896
Sup, Ernie?
302
00:13:00,897 --> 00:13:03,616
Holy moly, that's a huge cock.
303
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,707
Chris, no footsy under the table.
304
00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,125
It's disturbing.
305
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,459
Good evening, family.
306
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,669
Champagne?
307
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,004
Maybe open that facing
308
00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:19,756
- (YOWLS)
- Ah, (BLEEP). My eye!
309
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,341
What are we celebrating?
310
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,135
Is our IRS audit finally over?
311
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,845
Oh, we wish.
312
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:27,723
Also, we have to put a desk
in the garage and the attic.
313
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,558
Every room needs a desk.
314
00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,810
Our house has to be more office
than living space.
315
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,730
Anyway, this champagne
is to celebrate my victory
316
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,481
over the Giant Chicken.
317
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,009
I saw him at the hospital today.
318
00:13:38,010 --> 00:13:40,902
He's dying, which means
our great feud is finally over,
319
00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:42,654
and I won.
320
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,656
- What feud?
- Wait.
321
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,027
- Peter and the Giant Chicken?
- Who?
322
00:13:47,028 --> 00:13:49,745
The Giant Chicken. Come on.
Everybody knows we have a feud.
323
00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:51,747
It's like Bart and Sideshow Bob.
324
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:55,459
Ooh! I love the Bart
and Sideshow Bob feud!
325
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,878
Multiple episodes over multiple seasons.
326
00:13:57,879 --> 00:14:00,630
An ongoing story line
with a classic guest star
327
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,716
played by television legend
Kelsey Grammer.
328
00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:04,468
Giant Chicken is classic!
329
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,595
- Who plays him?
- Danny Smith.
330
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:09,181
- Who?
- Danny Smith.
331
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,600
Any-Anyway, I won. Another bottle?
332
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,518
You're the only one...
333
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:14,895
(BLEEP)! My eye!
334
00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,730
The Giant Chicken is really dying?
335
00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:18,607
A-Aren't you gonna help him?
You're a nurse.
336
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:21,115
- You took an oath.
- Actually, I didn't.
337
00:14:21,116 --> 00:14:23,320
I don't get paid, and they
don't even validate my parking.
338
00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:25,280
What about a GoFundMe?
339
00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:28,200
We're white people. That seems
like the natural response.
340
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,369
No, Lois. I'm not helping him.
He's my enemy.
341
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,912
He gave me a bad coupon
342
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,706
in what online idiots say
was our best season.
343
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,750
Unforgivable, and I say, good riddance.
344
00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,085
Another bottle?
345
00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:39,795
Oh, that's me.
346
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:41,838
You dick!
347
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,757
You need him, Peter.
348
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,801
Everyone needs a rival.
349
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,428
Wilt had Russell, Bird had Magic,
350
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,222
LeBron has his hairline.
351
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,640
Oh, basketball?
352
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:54,142
I know hair-related sports things.
353
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:58,438
Hate is the most important
emotion in life next to love.
354
00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:01,691
When you have someone to hate,
you have something to live for,
355
00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:03,735
someone to beat at something.
356
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,864
I have blue Subaru 8CXX475.
357
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:10,534
It stole my spot in a Target parking lot
358
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,744
on Black Friday three years ago,
359
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:16,415
and I've carried a D battery
in my pocket every day since.
360
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,000
This is either gonna break
a windshield, teeth,
361
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,836
or in a perfect world, both.
362
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,379
And the thought of that car
363
00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:25,257
somewhere out there gets me up
every morning.
364
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,884
Vengeance is a powerful alarm clock.
365
00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:29,761
If the Giant Chicken dies,
366
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,431
a part of you dies, too, Peter!
367
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,765
And you're gonna be searching
for something
368
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,810
to fill that void the rest of your life!
369
00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,812
That's good, Lois,
but I'm not helping him.
370
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:40,856
- Helping who?
- The Giant Chicken.
371
00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:44,277
Oh, yeah, your big rival.
372
00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:48,489
Aah! It was my turn.
373
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:55,704
Now to curl up on a warm
car hood with a book on tape.
374
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:57,706
Garfield Tips the Scales
375
00:15:57,707 --> 00:16:00,041
as read by Morgan Freeman.
376
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:02,752
"How did you like your lunch, Garfield?"
377
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:06,590
"Burp, burp. I give it two burps."
378
00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:09,843
Hey, what the hell are you doing?
379
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:12,012
Oh. Hey, Quagmire.
What, you haven't heard?
380
00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:13,555
I found out I'm a cat.
381
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,932
So, I guess you and I are cool.
382
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:17,934
I don't care what you did
383
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:19,853
to convince yourself that you're a cat.
384
00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:21,271
You're not a cat, Brian.
385
00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:23,940
I think my genetic makeup
would disagree.
386
00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:25,942
Okay, Brian, if you're really a cat,
387
00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:27,694
prove it by jumping off your roof.
388
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:29,654
If you land on your feet,
safe and sound,
389
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:31,323
I'll agree that you're a cat.
390
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,824
That's it? Just jump?
391
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:34,368
Done.
392
00:16:35,453 --> 00:16:38,789
? Blame it on my ADD, baby ?
393
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:42,710
? Sail... ?
394
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,090
Not a cat.
395
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,810
Nope.
396
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:32,342
Ah.
397
00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:34,511
I'm dying.
398
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,930
You need him, Peter.
399
00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:38,557
I haven't been home in years.
400
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,475
Oh, my God.
401
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:43,769
Lois was right. I have to help him.
402
00:17:43,770 --> 00:17:46,983
Aah! I pushed too far.
403
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:52,904
Hey, Bri, sorry
that roof jump didn't work out.
404
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,656
I guess you were right about me.
405
00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,408
I'm just a nobody dog.
406
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:57,909
Well, since you're going to be laid up,
407
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,578
I got you another book on tape:
408
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,582
Marmaduke as read by Benicio Del Toro.
409
00:18:03,001 --> 00:18:05,125
"Marmaduke, get out of that bathtub.
410
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,835
You look like a (BLEEP) idiot."
411
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,837
Please take this off my head.
412
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,463
Anyway, I just wanted to say
413
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:11,965
that you shouldn't need a DNA report
414
00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:14,134
to know who you really are
on the inside,
415
00:18:14,135 --> 00:18:16,595
so I printed out a new report for you
416
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:19,764
a Brian report,
and here are the results.
417
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,767
You're 30% beagle, 20% hound,
418
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:26,646
15% terrible writer, 18% alcoholic,
419
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,065
ten percent Snoopy and
420
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:31,277
two percent great guy.
421
00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:35,396
Thanks, Stewie.
422
00:18:35,397 --> 00:18:38,534
I'm ready for another
Vicodin and peanut butter now.
423
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,465
Time of death: Bob.
424
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,634
- 8:08.
- I know numbers!
425
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:59,137
It's just been revoked.
426
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,431
I think he uses that wrong a lot.
427
00:19:01,432 --> 00:19:04,142
Come on! You got to live,
damn it! I need you!
428
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,020
You do have something to live for: me!
429
00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:09,022
You hate me, remember?
430
00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:11,024
Remember!
431
00:19:11,025 --> 00:19:12,609
Aren't you gonna do something?
432
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,069
He's punching a dead patient.
433
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,862
Oh, yeah. You're right.
434
00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:17,781
Good idea number 47:
435
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:20,451
Fight Club, but with hospital people.
436
00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:30,085
You...
437
00:19:32,550 --> 00:19:35,131
Saved me? Why?
438
00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:36,883
Because I hate you.
439
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:39,010
Every day, I wake up not knowing
if you're gonna
440
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,762
come out of nowhere
and punch me in the face.
441
00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:42,764
I flinch every time a door opens.
442
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,099
I look over my shoulder
443
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:46,184
every time I bend down to tie my shoes.
444
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:49,062
And I flip my porch light on
every night before I go to bed
445
00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:51,022
just to see if you're standing there.
446
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,650
Do you have any idea
how exciting that is?
447
00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:56,695
So I didn't save your life
because I like you.
448
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:58,697
I saved it because
449
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,740
because I hate you.
450
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:03,993
I hate you, too, Peter Griffin.
451
00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:06,246
Also, if you die,
I'll be solely responsible
452
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:09,082
for all the destruction
we've caused over the years,
453
00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:11,710
so this decision is both
emotional and financial.
454
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,962
You can give him his medicine
now, Dr. Hartman.
455
00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:15,880
You haven't been giving him
his medicine?!
456
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:18,884
Nah, I'm scared of needles so
I've been faking all my nursing.
457
00:20:21,518 --> 00:20:23,390
This guy's nuts.
458
00:20:47,163 --> 00:20:49,165
Mmm.
459
00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:59,008
Good.
32545
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.